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Shannon CD

10-23-2006, 01:08 PM

I think....

Let me explain;

After having just recently ended (or escaped) a bad relationship filled with threat, promises, and ultimately the act of outing me to everyone she could, I have decided to only date women who are actively looking for a man who crossdresses.

So now that I have resigned myself to the idea that I will spend the rest of my life alone, let me explain my thought process. And try to see the humor in this thread, I am neither depressed nor complaining.

1. After being completely honest early in a relationship my "secret" was ultimately used against me as a weapon. I doubt that I can trust in that way again.

2. I couldn't live with the knowledge that I was keeping something like this from my SO. (Besides, now that so many people seem to "know" I'm sure the topic would come up eventually and I don't want to be put in a position to lie)

3. After reading threads on this forum it is clear that a very small percentage of women can accept this from their man and even fewer understand or encourage it.

4. I was single for a long time before I met my last gf and had become very happy and comfortable with myself, so being forever single is not the hell some people make it out to be.

5. I don't have the right to force my views on another person and vice-versa.

I can't change who I am. And even if I stopped dressing in women's clothes today it does not change the fact that I have in the past so it will always be an issue. I have good friends so I may be alone but never lonely. I accept my lot in life and will live it as positively as I can. Crossdressing is only a part of who I am and does not define me. Unfortunatley most women seem to look at it as a much larger part than what it really is and in the end it is too large for them to handle. I can respect that.

So now I say to all of you I will respectfully remove myself from the dating arena and enjoy my life to the fullest. Alone? No!!! On my own.

joanne_mi

10-23-2006, 01:21 PM

I've had it used as a weapon against me as well. My band was playing at a club on a particular Saturday, we had nothing going on Friday, so we hung out at that club. A former girlfriend was good enough to plaster pictures of me all over the cars in the parking lot..

Fortunately, I was friends with the security people there, and they took care of it with minimal damage. And ironically, none of my friends abandoned me for it. And, perhaps more ironically, we set an attendance record at that club the next night which will always stand (the club is now gone).

I didn't learn from that though, and later, my ex wife threatened to use the CDing during our custody battle and divorce hearing. It never came to that, but I know she told a bunch of people about it...

That didn't stop me from marrying a second time though. Although we're divorced, she's never spoken ill about me to anyone that I'm aware of. And we still speak from time to time.

I wouldn't rule out marriage again for myself now though. Third time is supposedly the charm.

Best wishes,
Jo

Iniquity Blonde GG

10-23-2006, 01:23 PM

:Party2: well good on you for saying how you feel !!! sorry that some1 let you down like that. i suppose there is 2 sides to every story, but @ least now you know truth.:rose2: good for u xx

Nikki Dee

10-23-2006, 01:25 PM

Good for you love...and I wish you nothing but happiness.!
Love Nikki. x

JenniferMint

10-23-2006, 01:29 PM

3. After reading threads on this forum it is clear that a very small percentage of women can accept this from their man and even fewer understand or encourage it.

*wonders where are all the bisexual women that supposedly exist*

Julie York

10-23-2006, 01:32 PM

People who use a secret as a weapon, can't be trusted. And yet they seem to think that their friends won't notice this fact....But they do.

Tree GG

10-23-2006, 02:01 PM

Crossdressing is only a part of who I am and does not define me. Unfortunatley most women seem to look at it as a much larger part than what it really is and in the end it is too large for them to handle. I can respect that.

Really, I'm not trying to pick a fight, but I've heard this same comment several times. "...It's no big deal...", "...it's just something for fun..."; "...I don't want to obsess on this..." on ad nauseum.

If it is so trivial, why is it not subject to compromise? I believe you (and many "casual" CDers) are in denial about CDings significance in your life and what it means; the amount of time, energy, thought and committment you've made to CDing.

That said, abandoning a committment to confidentiality is just poor character. I'd liken it to using the children as a weapon or anything else you know the soon to be x partner holds dear. Just plain wrong. I'm truly sorry you were subjected to that kind of abuse.

GG Vanya

10-23-2006, 02:14 PM

*wonders where are all the bisexual women that supposedly exist*

*wonders why bisexuality is even mentioned here as a women need not be bisexual to be accepting*

Tina Dixon

10-23-2006, 02:18 PM

OH hang in there, you'll find a good lady, there out there.

Casey Morgan

10-23-2006, 02:31 PM

Shannon, I can imagine the hurt you must be feeling. And it's only natural to want to avoid getting hurt again. It sounds like you want to find someone but you're afraid of being hurt again and you see your prospects as being so slim that basically they're zero.

But they're not zero, and you've pretty much said that. Rather than resigning yourself to being alone forever why not try to find those women who ARE actively seeking a crossdresser? So you may have to look harder than most men to find a soulmate. But if finding a soulmate is worth it to you then it will be worth the effort.

I understand needing to feel the hurt and betrayal right now. But why not wait a while and see how you feel later before deciding things are hopeless.

Robin Leigh

10-23-2006, 02:39 PM

*wonders where are all the bisexual women that supposedly exist*

Just because a woman is bi, it doesn't automatically mean she wants a CDer, although it is true they do tend to be more positive about it (at least in my experience).

Robin

Shannon CD

10-23-2006, 02:43 PM

Really, I'm not trying to pick a fight, but I've heard this same comment several times. "...It's no big deal...", "...it's just something for fun..."; "...I don't want to obsess on this..." on ad nauseum.

If it is so trivial, why is it not subject to compromise? I believe you (and many "casual" CDers) are in denial about CDings significance in your life and what it means; the amount of time, energy, thought and committment you've made to CDing.

That said, abandoning a committment to confidentiality is just poor character. I'd liken it to using the children as a weapon or anything else you know the soon to be x partner holds dear. Just plain wrong. I'm truly sorry you were subjected to that kind of abuse.

I can understand where you might make that assumption and I don't take it as picking a fight, but I'll give you a bit more background on my interests to clarify my position;

Certified scuba diver; Accomplished musician, predominantly bass guitar but also guitar and drums; Student pilot; aquarist; Biker (cruisers); Photography...and more, all of which require a portion of my spare time and expendable cash.

Crossdressing is an important part of who I am otherwise I would not be on this forum in the first place.

BTW, you call it part time. In my mind that is exactly what crossdressing is. Full time is transvestitism, of which I have considered on occasion. However it is usually during those favored fall and winter months when dressing up and shaving legs is easir to get away with.

I appreciate your thoughts and am quite sure that you based your advice on past experiences and I can appreciate that. That is the only way that any of us can attempt to help...experience is our teacher.

But make no mistake, I know who I am. I know where my crossdressing fits into my life and am by no means in denial. To me dressing up is expression and connection with beauty and softness, something which has been missing from outside sources for the majority of my life. I know this, I accept it, and I am happy with it.

Alot of my original post was "tongue-in-cheek", but based on actual feelings and observations. I did compromise and did not dress for the last 7 months of our relationship. Unfortunately the weapon was still in her arsenal and was used to get me to give up friends and family so as not to be outed. There is far more to the story than what you may think. If crossdressing was the only thing she had a problem with I believe I could have accomodated her, albeit begrudgingly.

I hope this hasn't offended anyone. I do appreciate the support and hope that my level of crossdressing can be accepted as well as anyone else's.

Sky

10-23-2006, 02:48 PM

I have decided to only date women who are actively looking for a man who crossdresses. So now that I have resigned myself to the idea that I will spend the rest of my life alone...

No way!!! Your brave decision still leaves about 0.00001 % of the female population in your hunting turf, that's like... um... 15 ladies across the USA... (yes I did the math)

Well, you try to see the humor in this one too. :tongueout

vbcdgrl

10-23-2006, 02:50 PM

I have pretty much made the same decision, for pretty much the same reasons. Recently, I confirmed to my X that I am a CD. She may have had some suspicions before, but she didn't "out" me and we are on good terms.
And, I'm not "giving up" on GGs, but to enter a serious relationship just isn't in the cards right now. So what are we, bachelorettes?

Vikki

Shannon CD

10-23-2006, 02:51 PM

No way!!! Your brave decision still leaves about 0.00001 % of the female population in your hunting turf, that's like... um... 15 ladies across the USA... (yes I did the math)

Well, you try to see the humor in this one too. :tongueout

And me without a current hunting liscense.:heehee:

Shannon CD

10-23-2006, 02:53 PM

Karren H

10-23-2006, 03:33 PM

Well I don't agree with you on a number of points but hey its your life..... If I were single , which I'm not, I'd keep dating. Never know you might just find the woman of your dreams that accepts and embraces crossdressing.... Couldn't see spending the rest of my life alone. Even if it did have some impact on my dressing.....

Ohhhhhh. And I would date only women exactuall my size. Hehe. So we could share clothing!!

And I'd put an ad in all the newspapers......"SWM2FTG/CD looking for compatable Single Female (size 10 dress and shoes) to share everything including wardrobe.... Serious offer only, please send photo of wardrobe..."

:D

Love Karren

Shannon CD

10-23-2006, 03:50 PM

Snookums

10-23-2006, 04:09 PM

I once had a girlfriend who outed me,it caused serious problems,she told me to get my act together,that she wanted a real man.
When I was married,my wife never knew,she would leave for work,I'd do my thing,then 45 minutes befor she got home,I'd go back to man mode,she never found my stash of girly things,I kept them locked in my gun vault,didn't have much back then,and she never went into my den.

Shannon CD

10-23-2006, 04:14 PM

Robin Leigh

10-23-2006, 04:50 PM

Curious how one would find women who are only want to date CDs. It's not like it's a usual topic of conversation...

"So, Alice, what do you look for in a man?"

"Well, he needs to look cute in a mini-skirt, be able to apply make-up well..."

I know some of the GG's here say they were looking for CDs, so... how's that work from the other end?

Good question. Kathy GG has written often about this & you'll learn much by reading from her archives. Maybe she will even add something to this thread. She says that it took her quite a while to admit to herself that she was a CD admirer, and a while longer to do something about it. Women like Kathy are rare, but there are still a lot of women out there that have the potential to be attracted to CDs, they just don't fully realize it yet. :)

So where do we meet up with women like this, in a way that's not going to put either party off? That's tricky...

Robin

Shannon CD

10-23-2006, 04:55 PM

Good question. Kathy GG has written often about this & you'll learn much by reading from her archives. Maybe she will even add something to this thread. She says that it took her quite a while to admit to herself that she was a CD admirer, and a while longer to do something about it. Women like Kathy are rare, but there are still a lot of women out there that have the potential to be attracted to CDs, they just don't fully realize it yet. :)

So where do we meet up with women like this, in a way that's not going to put either party off? That's tricky...

Robin

I was hoping that a website like this might attract that type of woman. Maybe a new category could be added to this site where CD admirers could post looking to meet CDs in their area, and vice-versa. This would be our only real hope of meeting someone like this.

kerrianna

10-23-2006, 05:13 PM

Curious how one would find women who are only want to date CDs. It's not like it's a usual topic of conversation...

"So, Alice, what do you look for in a man?"

"Well, he needs to look cute in a mini-skirt, be able to apply make-up well..."

I know some of the GG's here say they were looking for CDs, so... how's that work from the other end?

I would try posting an ad on Craigslist or something like that, being specific and honest. You might get some cranks, but you never know. Nothing to lose. (just get a hotmail or yahoo address you can dump easily)

And Shannon, your being honest with yourself about who you are and where CDing fits into your life is the best thing. If and when you meet someone new you will be able to present it with clarity and conviction, and that person can decide what they think. Good luck, stay true to yourself and the universe will provide.:meditate:

Shannon CD

10-23-2006, 05:29 PM

I want to take a moment here to thank each and every one of you who have posted encouragement and support. It truly means a lot to me.

However, I want everyone to know that this was meant to be a lighthearted thread. I guess I just didn't interject as much humor as I should have.

I really am happy. A HUMONGOUS weight lifted from my shoulders the very moment she disappeared from sight. I did not experience depression. I did not feel loss. I did not shed a tear. This is because her leaving was the best possible thing that could happen. (For both of us, I might add)

Most of my friends and family did not know the extent of our issues simply because I am not the type to complain while things are going badly. I would rather deal with them myself and can talk about them when they are behind me. I have never been the martyr type so I fix the problems and use the experience to make future decisions. That was basically what this thread was about.

Please accept my heartfelt thanks to all of you who were truly concerned. Rest assured that as much as it means to me (which is a lot), it truly is not necessary.

kathy gg

10-23-2006, 05:42 PM

but there are still a lot of women out there that have the potential to be attracted to CDs, they just don't fully realize it yet. :)

Robin I think you made an awesomne point. Potential to be attracted

We just had a super fun weekend with a couple from out of town {not member of this forum though} and the girl although not looking for a cd, was very open to it once it was laid in front of her. I would say my gg friend is about as enthused as a gg could possibly be wihtout activly having looked for a cd. She is accepting and fun and exciting and sexy and almost as wild as me!

There are traits which seem to dominate women who I know who either did look for this or who had that potential that you posted about. I wont' go ticking off a list of traits or things....but I will say women who ARE into this ...well most are for the most part pretty non-conventional and pretty open about their quirky-selves. I think that does scare off some cd's from persuing a relationship with a woman who is that unique and possibly looks *strange* to the general public. I think sometimes when a very straight laced guy hooks up with the punk rock riot grrl people will start talking about said straight-laced guy and putting two and two together. I mean the comment I always hear from people is ...but your hubby looks so quiet and *normal* and well..Kathy...you are anything but. :devil:

Always, there are exceptions to the rules, I know a few girl-next door looking women who are into this as much as their hubby's and I swear I never would have thought them on the same wave-length as myself in terms of coolness if I saw them just passing me on the street....but they amazed me with their open mindedness and hip factor even though they seem pretty darn Marth-Stewardish. Those few instances make me realize that sometimes there is alot brewing under the surface when one takes the time to get to know a person.

Anyway, I was thinking of all the gg's I have met who just enjoy the hell out of this and I have come up with a number....these are women I have cooresponded with, or met, or talked to on the phone, or are in my little inner cirlce who I hang out with who are wicked fun and love this cd/tg stuff....
25. I know/have known 25 gg's who looked for this or stumbeled upon it and then realized this was where it was at.

Nothing is impossible...but expanding one's horizons to include some *different* women has to sort of happen. there are only 2 marth stewards out of my 25 ...the rest of us a damn freaky!

Bernice

10-23-2006, 09:09 PM

What I am about to repeat (paraphrased) is not original, just prophetic.

When you stop looking so hard for a spouse, that's when you will find your true love!

Shannon CD

10-23-2006, 10:20 PM

Nothing is impossible...but expanding one's horizons to include some *different* women has to sort of happen. there are only 2 marth stewards out of my 25 ...the rest of us a damn freaky!

Kathy,

In the mid 80's to early 90's I played in several rock bands showcasing at evry venue on the Hollywood club circuit; The Troubador, Gazzarri's, The Whisky-a-go-go, The Roxy, and several lesser known clubs. A couple of the bands I was in would be considered "glam" considering we wore make-up and quite a bit of colorful stage outfits. One of my bands was a vampire/death rock situation where my personal attire was thigh high, patent leather, stilleto-heeled boots with matching jacket and spandex pants (my guitarist was the lucky one who got to wear the spider web pantyhose and lace leotard).

Also, I recently produced the largest professional haunted attraction in my town for 6 years.

I'm not telling you this to impress you, rather to make it clear that my tastes in women, and in life for that matter, have always leaned towards the "freaky" side. Also to show that I have never really fallen into the "normal" category.

New problem - I am 40 years old with a house and a mortgage in a suburb of Los Angeles, hence I need a job to pay the bills. I am currently in management for a large home improvement company and feel it necessary to tone my image down. No black gothic trench coats, no flashy ear-rings, no studded leather gauntlets. All of this was great for a twenty-something rock musician, but I knew when it was time to let the next generation have their time to "intimidate" the older crowd, for lack of a better word. Which means that someone like me hanging out in a club that would cater to this crowd may come off as a bit pathetic. You just don't run into girls like you grocery shopping in Vons.

If there is one out there for me I will give her a chance. This thread was simply my way of saying that I am not waiting for her, I am going to live my life.

10-23-2006, 10:57 PM

my ex outed me to all our friends and at our church. i know how you feel . but revenge is sweet. i now have less body fat than her and thanks to hrt i am looking sweet. can't Waite to stand before the judge and him/her say who is who he he he ...

Robin Leigh

10-24-2006, 05:33 PM

Robin I think you made an awesomne point. Potential to be attracted
Thanks Kathy! :happy: It's always great to have your input, especially in threads like this. I've thought long & hard about how to sense that potential, and how to encourage it. I think I've learned a bit, both from my successes & my dismal failures. :)

I didn't cope well emotionally after the breakup of my last relationship, even though it was quite short. I've been single for quite a while now. I've managed ok, but I must admit that over the last few months I have been wondering what it'd be like to have some kind of partner again... So I'm not currently out looking, but I might be soon. :p

We just had a super fun weekend with a couple from out of town {not member of this forum though} and the girl although not looking for a cd, was very open to it once it was laid in front of her. I would say my gg friend is about as enthused as a gg could possibly be wihtout activly having looked for a cd. She is accepting and fun and exciting and sexy and almost as wild as me!
Cool! I'm glad you guys had such fun. I love it when you GGs chat about your CD SOs. It must be such a buzz to share that secret with another GG. :happy:

There are traits which seem to dominate women who I know who either did look for this or who had that potential that you posted about. I wont' go ticking off a list of traits or things....but I will say women who ARE into this ...well most are for the most part pretty non-conventional and pretty open about their quirky-selves.
Yes. My problem is that the unconventional girls I tend(ed) to meet are hippy types, and not a lot of them are into girly clothes or makeup. :( It was a major occasion for one of them to even wear a bra. Oh well. I did get pretty good at guessing if a girl was bi or not, I suppose. One of these days I'll learn to dress in a way complimentary to the women I want to attract. Or just start going out CD. :D

I think that does scare off some cd's from persuing a relationship with a woman who is that unique and possibly looks *strange* to the general public. I think sometimes when a very straight laced guy hooks up with the punk rock riot grrl people will start talking about said straight-laced guy and putting two and two together. I mean the comment I always hear from people is ...but your hubby looks so quiet and *normal* and well..Kathy...you are anything but.

To paraphrase Groucho, "Do I really want to go out with the kind of person who'd be attracted to a weirdo like me?"

My longest relationship was with a girl with a pretty wild reputation (the really tall girl I've mentioned before). Most of her friends couldn't understand why she was with me. Yes, being with an unconventional woman can make you feel uncomfortable if you're trying to present a straight, conservative image.

If I had a better understanding of myself & acceptance of my CDing when younger, I'm sure my gfs would have been able to deal with it better, too. Of course, the only way to really learn this stuff is the hard way, but self-acceptance does go a long way to making it easier for all concerned.

I guess what I want to say is that we CDers should be comfortable with ourselves as CDers before we start seriously looking for potential life partners. CDing should be a gift to share, not a problem to deal with. We should bring our TGism into a relationship as an asset, not as a liability.

Always, there are exceptions to the rules, I know a few girl-next door looking women who are into this as much as their hubby's and I swear I never would have thought them on the same wave-length as myself in terms of coolness if I saw them just passing me on the street....but they amazed me with their open mindedness and hip factor even though they seem pretty darn Marth-Stewardish. Those few instances make me realize that sometimes there is alot brewing under the surface when one takes the time to get to know a person.
Those girls intrigue me, though. Sometimes the most conservative-seeming can be very accepting & understanding. Even a minister's daughters can fall in love with a CD, apparently. :D (Hi Vanya!)

And I must admit I've always had a soft spot for the Doris Day look. I wonder how I'd go in twinset & pearls... :heehee:

Anyway, I was thinking of all the gg's I have met who just enjoy the hell out of this and I have come up with a number....these are women I have cooresponded with, or met, or talked to on the phone, or are in my little inner cirlce who I hang out with who are wicked fun and love this cd/tg stuff....
25. I know/have known 25 gg's who looked for this or stumbeled upon it and then realized this was where it was at.

Nothing is impossible...but expanding one's horizons to include some *different* women has to sort of happen. there are only 2 marth stewards out of my 25 ...the rest of us a damn freaky!

I like your numbers better than Sky's calculation, Kathy.

Tell these lovely ladies to come here & chat! :D

:hugs:

Robin

Sky

10-24-2006, 05:52 PM

I like your numbers better than Sky's calculation, Kathy.

You know it was a bogus "calculation", right?

Anyway, seriously, the key is the difference between "actively looking for a cd" (as put by Shannon) and "with the potential to be attracted" (as put by Kathy & you). Honestly, I don't believe there would be many girls actively looking for a cd. Now, it seems quite conceivable that a girl who never thought of it would say "why not?" when faced with the alternative of dating a cd. As to what would happen next, time will tell.

Robin Leigh

10-24-2006, 07:19 PM

You know it was a bogus "calculation", right?
Sure, Sky! :hugs: (I was going to put a smilie up there, but I'd reached my quota in that message: the limit is 10).

Anyway, seriously, the key is the difference between "actively looking for a cd" (as put by Shannon) and "with the potential to be attracted" (as put by Kathy & you). Honestly, I don't believe there would be many girls actively looking for a cd. Now, it seems quite conceivable that a girl who never thought of it would say "why not?" when faced with the alternative of dating a cd. As to what would happen next, time will tell.

I think under ideal circumstances a sizeable proportion of women would be able to appreciate a relationship with a CD, but of course circumstances are never totally ideal. For instance, sometimes we hear that a CD's ex-gf said "I'm not a lesbian", but compared to males & their homophobia, many women are not so turned off by lesbian "issues", really. However, a lot of women are concerned about what other people will think about them having a relationship with someone out of the ordinary. Hence Kathy's advice to seek women who actually like to appear unconventional.

Robin

PatriciaCD

10-28-2006, 07:48 AM

There are some women out there that don't mind a CD. Some even encourage it. If you are honest with them from the verry beginning then they are more likely to accept it as part of you. I have had many girlfriends that I told about my CDing to before we started a relationship. There was only 1 that I can recall that did not approve. When I first met the wonderful woman that I am with now I told her about it the second time that I went to her house. I had on a bra and panties that I showed her and she loved the way they looked on me. It has been in our daily lives every since. If you out yourself then noone can do it to you.

tall_brianna

10-28-2006, 08:59 AM

However, I want everyone to know that this was meant to be a lighthearted thread. I guess I just didn't interject as much humor as I should have.

I really am happy. A HUMONGOUS weight lifted from my shoulders the very moment she disappeared from sight. I did not experience depression. I did not feel loss. I did not shed a tear. This is because her leaving was the best possible thing that could happen. (For both of us, I might add)

Are you kidding, I've been laughing my head off at this. :lol: I love this thread! My favorite quotes:

"SWM2FTG/CD looking for compatable Single Female (size 10 dress and shoes) to share everything including wardrobe.... Serious offer only, please send photo of wardrobe..."

"Your brave decision still leaves about 0.00001 % of the female population in your hunting turf, that's like... um... 15 ladies across the USA... (yes I did the math)"

"'So, Alice, what do you look for in a man?' 'Well, he needs to look cute in a mini-skirt, be able to apply make-up well...'"

"Alone? No!!! On my own."

I'm sooo happy for you Shannon. Being happy with yourself is huge. It has always led to love for me. I think maybe the GGs I've dated were just a little too conservative and I'm a lot too chicken-shit about this side.

I also love the helpfulness of this thread and the positivity.

Way to go.

-b

tall_brianna

10-28-2006, 09:09 AM

One of my bands was a vampire/death rock situation where my personal attire was thigh high, patent leather, stilleto-heeled boots with matching jacket and spandex pants (my guitarist was the lucky one who got to wear the spider web pantyhose and lace leotard).

Dude, you are killing me. :lol: :lol: :lol:

crossing-the-rain

10-28-2006, 09:18 AM

Dear Shannon,
Tear is coming from my eyes,this is the first time for years ,you said all I want to say and in my mind for a long long time.Although I'm new here,I talked about "weapon" in my messages,my wife is using this to attack me again and again .
Totally agreed with your thread and fully support and respect your decision.
Rain