Connection between being TG, and your relationship with your father?

[joanne_mi]

Following is a paragraph from the "Ann Landers Encyclopedia" (note, the thinking here may be a bit dated, the book is copyrighted 1979).

....It seems therefore, that transvestism usually follows an attack on the boy's masculinity by someone, usually a woman, who puts females' clothes on him in order to humiliate him (demean his masculinity). In addition, one finds that transvestites do not have loving and warm relationships with their fathers. What is reported, instead, is disruption; a father who is distant and passive or a father seen by his son as a cold, rigid, powerful, usually an unreachable man who punctuates his distance with moments of all-too-close rage. At times transvestites' fathers, whether distant and passive or distant and angry, introduce rare amounts of tenderness with their sons. And so the boys hunger for their fathers, loving them despairingly and with an almost sexual tinge; that is, with a yearning so intense that there is created an eroticized state of frustration.

Not my theory, of course, but it did get me thinking....

The aforementioned attack on my masculinity never happened, the first time I dressed was with a like-aged female cousin, and per her and her sister, it was my idea. I was 5.

The statements regarding the relationship with the father did bring pause, some of that was pretty apt. I had a very difficult, and complex relationship with my father.

If you don't feel it's too personal, I'd like to find out if others in the community had the same type of relationship with their dads growing up. Although I'm not convinced that this is a logical theory, I'd like to see if there's any sort of connection.

Thanks in advance. :)

[Angela Burke]

Well,I think I may just pass on that one.

[Karren H]

Doesn't apply to me either....loved my dad and we got along great....

Love Karren

[stephintights]

I give this theory a lot of weight, based on my experience, and it's an issue that I sort of uncovered when I sought the help of a therapist last year.

I am the middle of three brothers, and as far as I am aware, am the only TV/TG among us, and certainly the most feminine (or rather, non-traditional male) by quite a stretch. When I was at the crucial age of 3-5, my dad was often away on business in the states. By that time my older brother had had the opportunity to bond with dad one-on-one (he's 4 years older than I), and my younger brother was still too young to really be affected.

My memories of my dad are of him being pretty gruff, restrained and expressed his love through the words of my mother. That's not to say that he wasn't ever fun - far from it. But the peaks of laughter are muted by the intense fear I felt when he was cross or disappointed in us. His eyes became so cold and full of disgust almost.

When I dress and fantasise about the feminine life I would lead, it is as a conservatively dressed housewife and mum - pantyhose/tights, long skirts and dresses, flat pumps, pleasant makeup, and a submissive role in the relationship. What I realised in the therapy sessions was that when I dress, I seek to emulate my mother. So, I do follow the reasoning you describe, even down to the eroticisation of that need for attention and recognition as a fellow man. But I would go further and suggest that what I have always been doing is trying to attract dad's attention by becoming another version of my mum.

It's Oedipal on acid really.


Steph
x

[Kate Simmons]

I was never attacked or forceibly dressed by anyone. My Dad was hardly ever home which suited me just fine. I feel he did his best to support the family as he saw it. I didn't miss the fishing, hunting or other typically boy stuff as I was in my own world most of the time anyway. Any punishment I received was discipline which I needed as far as that went. If I hadn't gotten it, I may have become a criminal or into drugs or whatever. Really, the punishment was one of the only times my Dad really paid attention to me, so it wasn't all bad. I stopped long ago trying to find a reason for my CDing. I just go with the flow and enjoy being who I am and accept it. I turned out to be a good husband and Father and provider for my family but didn't go to the extreme of having 4 jobs to do it as he did. I realized my children needed their Dad after all and despite their Dad being a CD, they all turned out just fine.:happy: Ericka/Rich

[Just Plain Kay]

If you don't feel it's too personal, I'd like to find out if others in the community had the same type of relationship with their dads growing up. Although I'm not convinced that this is a logical theory, I'd like to see if there's any sort of connection.

I'm not sure there's a cause-and-effect relation, but my dad pretty much fit that mold. He was somewhat distant emotionally. Although I'm sure he loved me, he never put it into words. In retrospect, I see myself as a child who never quite measured up to the standards he set.

More pertinent in my case, however, is something that happened in very early childhood. My parents were in a very tense marriage when I was conceived. My mother left with another man when I was seven months old, and my dad's parents took care of me until he remarried. So the relationship between us was somewhat colored by those events. I wonder sometimes if he saw my mother in me and resented me in some small way.

[Ellisia_Lynch]

I think if everyone who had a poor relationship withtheir father was a crossdresser, there would be a lot more of us out there.

That said, I too had a very absent father growing up.

Ellisia

[Sky]

Following is a paragraph from the "Ann Landers Encyclopedia" (note, the thinking here may be a bit dated, the book is copyrighted 1979).

Ann Landers-style thinking is dated by definition, either today or back in 79.


It seems therefore, that transvestism usually follows an attack on the boy's masculinity by someone, usually a woman, who puts females' clothes on him in order to humiliate him (demean his masculinity).

Nope. No woman ever dressed me in female stuff.


In addition, one finds that transvestites [I]do not have loving and warm relationships with their fathers. What is reported, instead, is disruption; a father who is distant and passive or a father seen by his son as a cold, rigid, powerful, usually an unreachable man who punctuates his distance with moments of all-too-close rage.

Dad was, and is, awesome. He took me to soccer games (foreign girl here) since I was 6 or so. I love him, he loves me. Don't blame him if I traded soccer shoes for high heels.

Theories, theories, theories. :thumbsdn: Work so well with things, so poorly with human beings.

[Elly]

my father was a total ass and mad it a point often to tell me how opposed he was to having children and that he never wanted me in the first place... as for the frustration from the fathers absence of tender moments or absence all together i never really missed my father when he was away on the oil field for several days, cuz he was such a huge ass... i really wanted to move in with my mother but he wouldn't let me and instead sent me to live with his parents when he decided he didn't want me anymore hell he didn't want me from the beginning, i think keeping me from my mother was just more of him being jerkly or maybe he was afraid she would nurture my true nature (he was always afraid i was gay)... so some of that did hit home with me but of course not all points apply to everyone...

[Julogden]

Following is a paragraph from the "Ann Landers Encyclopedia" (note, the thinking here may be a bit dated, the book is copyrighted 1979).

....It seems therefore, that transvestism usually follows an attack on the boy's masculinity by someone, usually a woman, who puts females' clothes on him in order to humiliate him (demean his masculinity). In addition, one finds that transvestites do not have loving and warm relationships with their fathers. What is reported, instead, is disruption; a father who is distant and passive or a father seen by his son as a cold, rigid, powerful, usually an unreachable man who punctuates his distance with moments of all-too-close rage. At times transvestites' fathers, whether distant and passive or distant and angry, introduce rare amounts of tenderness with their sons. And so the boys hunger for their fathers, loving them despairingly and with an almost sexual tinge; that is, with a yearning so intense that there is created an eroticized state of frustration.

Not my theory, of course, but it did get me thinking....

The aforementioned attack on my masculinity never happened, the first time I dressed was with a like-aged female cousin, and per her and her sister, it was my idea. I was 5.

The statements regarding the relationship with the father did bring pause, some of that was pretty apt. I had a very difficult, and complex relationship with my father.

If you don't feel it's too personal, I'd like to find out if others in the community had the same type of relationship with their dads growing up. Although I'm not convinced that this is a logical theory, I'd like to see if there's any sort of connection.

Thanks in advance. :)
Hi Joanne,

Sad to say, my memories of my feelings for my father when I was young are not good ones. I mainly remember him as being distant and angry, not present much, certainly didn't have much to do with raising me, and my fond memories of my childhood involve things that I did with my mother. I distinctly remember being fearful of overtly masculine males. I was also a bit of a loner in my youth, although I did have friends.

As my father got older, he mellowed a lot, and later in life, we were much closer, and I ended up taking care of him full-time during the last 4 years of his life, so we definitely became closer later in life.

I do remember being dressed up by my mother when I was little, but it was not as a punishment. As far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a girl, and I think my mother was responding to that, but she's long gone, and I'll never know why she did that.

I think that my feminine tendencies when I was little may be one of the reasons that my father was distant back then.

Carol:cry:

[Robin Leigh]

This theory may apply to some CD/TVs but not a majority. It's completely based on environmental conditioning, with no mention of genetic or hormonal factors. It comes from the days when the theories of Dr John Money reigned supreme, and I don't think I need to tell anybody here about him and his flawed ideas! :Angry3:

Also, back then psychiatrists had access to very few of us to base their theories on, mostly people who had run afoul of the law, so their sample of TG people was skewed & the stories were bound to be distorted a little, too.

That said, I lost my father before the age of 4. My mum remarried within a few years. My step-father, though he was a bit stern with me & my sisters, is a nice guy, but I've never really bonded that strongly with him in a father & son way. I was never masculine enough for him, and I wasn't attracted much to his masculine activities. Also, he often did shift-work when I was young, so I didn't get a lot of contact with him.

Robin

[Valerie Nova]

There's probably something to that, but that explaination is too freudian for my tastes. Really, it's probably more that a kid in that situation would develop a strong desire to not be like their father. If he had a closer relationship with his mother, he might want to be more like her. Still I think other factors would have to be in action in order to make a kid become a TS. Otherwise, there would be a lot more of them.

[Helen MC]

I can agree with a lot of what has been said by Joanne.

My father didn't beat me up and didn't humiliate me. All I ever got from him as a kid for being naughty was the odd spanking for the usual childish misdemeanors such as swearing, being disobedient etc. From when I was 12 other punishments were more appropriate such as stoppage of pocket money etc. He was however a distant figure and to be brutally honest as far as I was concerned his contribution was finished 9 months before I was born, although it has to be said he was, as was the norm in those days, the breadwinner of the family and we wanted for nothing essential as kids and was a good husband to my late mother by the customs of that time, England in the 1950s and 60s.

He and I didn't bond in any great way and I am still not close to him. Sure, I showed him the respect that was his due but in his attitudes he was 180 degrees different to me. He liked Team Sports, I hated them , he was competitive, I hate competition, he liked rough and tumble activities , I detested them. I was always a bookish intellectual type who prefered my own company and would rather go to my bedroom and listen to classical music than watch the Football (Soccer) on the TV. He soon realised that I was not his ideal type of son but left me alone to live my own life for which I am grateful indeed!

Now he never knew about my wearing my big sister's and my mum's panties and when alone in the house their other clothes. If he had found out he may well have given me a thrashing then and would have sent me to a psychiatrist to cure my illness as he would have seen it. He didn't hide his hatred for what he called "poofs" (homosexuals) and I remember one time sitting in the front room watching the TV when a pop star he detested was on the screen. Giving a snort of disgust he said "Bloody queer, I bet he wears women's knickers!" I had a silent laugh to myself and wondered what he would think if he known that his 14 year old son was at that very moment wearing a pair of panties belonging to his other child , his daughter Anne then aged 16?

I was never forced to wear girls' clothing by my mum or anyone else. To me it would have been no punishment , anything but! It also must be said that I was always far closer to my mother and my big sister for both of whom I had both respect AND love!.

[~Bobbie~]

ann landers, what a putz. no one beat me (i wish) and no one made me dress up (once again i wish). if someone made me dress up maybe i could dress up more often and in front of people today.. but didn't happen, so here i sit in my own little private room, all dressed and no where to go.. :sad:

[KarenSusan]

I loved my father and he was truly a nice guy but he loved my mother so much that I don't think he had much left for my sister and I. Consequently, we didn't do things together. Also, my mother was very strong and domineering and called all the shots in the family. I don't know if this fits any theory but it's the way it was.

[joanne_mi]

I can agree with a lot of what has been said by Joanne.

My father didn't beat me up and didn't humiliate me. All I ever got from him as a kid for being naughty was the odd spanking for the usual childish misdemeanors such as swearing, being disobedient etc. From when I was 12 other punishments were more appropriate such as stoppage of pocket money etc. He was however a distant figure and to be brutally honest as far as I was concerned his contribution was finished 9 months before I was born, although it has to be said he was, as was the norm in those days, the breadwinner of the family and we wanted for nothing essential as kids and was a good husband to my late mother by the customs of that time, England in the 1950s and 60s.

He and I didn't bond in any great way and I am still not close to him. Sure, I showed him the respect that was his due but in his attitudes he was 180 degrees different to me. He liked Team Sports, I hated them , he was competitive, I hate competition, he liked rough and tumble activities , I detested them. I was always a bookish intellectual type who prefered my own company and would rather go to my bedroom and listen to classical music than watch the Football (Soccer) on the TV. He soon realised that I was not his ideal type of son but left me alone to live my own life for which I am grateful indeed!

Now he never knew about my wearing my big sister's and my mum's panties and when alone in the house their other clothes. If he had found out he may well have given me a thrashing then and would have sent me to a psychiatrist to cure my illness as he would have seen it. He didn't hide his hatred for what he called "poofs" (homosexuals) and I remember one time sitting in the front room watching the TV when a pop star he detested was on the screen. Giving a snort of disgust he said "Bloody queer, I bet he wears women's knickers!" I had a silent laugh to myself and wondered what he would think if he known that his 14 year old son was at that very moment wearing a pair of panties belonging to his other child , his daughter Anne then aged 16?

I was never forced to wear girls' clothing by my mum or anyone else. To me it would have been no punishment , anything but! It also must be said that I was always far closer to my mother and my big sister for both of whom I had both respect AND love!.



My father was about the same. Homophobic, absent, distant, all of the above. I never got beaten or abused or anything like that.. Our fathers seem rather similar really. In my father's defense, he did 'get it' later in life, and I was able to let many of my issues with him go as an adult.

[joanne_mi]

There's probably something to that, but that explaination is too freudian for my tastes. Really, it's probably more that a kid in that situation would develop a strong desire to not be like their father. If he had a closer relationship with his mother, he might want to be more like her. Still I think other factors would have to be in action in order to make a kid become a TS. Otherwise, there would be a lot more of them.

Freud was a hack.. modern psychologists are abandoning his thinking left and right. His 'everything is based in sexuallity' thinking makes us seem like little more than animals, and of course, he was above his own theories.

His "oral fixation" theories which basically state that anything that goes in the mouth is a replacement for a penis are silly to say the least. But, when you exclude yourself from that theory as it regards to your cigar addiction with a statement like "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar" makes you pretty much a joke. Sadly it's taken decades for pyschcology to grow beyond his thinking...

[joanne_mi]

ann landers, what a putz. no one beat me (i wish) and no one made me dress up (once again i wish). if someone made me dress up maybe i could dress up more often and in front of people today.. but didn't happen, so here i sit in my own little private room, all dressed and no where to go.. :sad:

Ann was a good egg though, she was always pretty sympathetic to us in her writings.

That said, I don't really believe any of Ann's thinking on this. But, self-exploration can be a good thing, and if we have another thing that we can call 'common groud', it makes us closer as a community.

[joanne_mi]

This theory may apply to some CD/TVs but not a majority. It's completely based on environmental conditioning, with no mention of genetic or hormonal factors. It comes from the days when the theories of Dr John Money reigned supreme, and I don't think I need to tell anybody here about him and his flawed ideas! :Angry3:

Also, back then psychiatrists had access to very few of us to base their theories on, mostly people who had run afoul of the law, so their sample of TG people was skewed & the stories were bound to be distorted a little, too.


Robin


Once again, this is a very dated theory. However, in the spirit of not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, we explore and connect. :)

The theories on us from that period are weak at the very best. A quick read of "Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex, But Were Afraid To Ask" will verify the badly researched thinking of the day.

[joanne_mi]

Hi Joanne,

Sad to say, my memories of my feelings for my father when I was young are not good ones. I mainly remember him as being distant and angry, not present much, certainly didn't have much to do with raising me, and my fond memories of my childhood involve things that I did with my mother. I distinctly remember being fearful of overtly masculine males. I was also a bit of a loner in my youth, although I did have friends.

As my father got older, he mellowed a lot, and later in life, we were much closer, and I ended up taking care of him full-time during the last 4 years of his life, so we definitely became closer later in life.

I do remember being dressed up by my mother when I was little, but it was not as a punishment. As far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a girl, and I think my mother was responding to that, but she's long gone, and I'll never know why she did that.

I think that my feminine tendencies when I was little may be one of the reasons that my father was distant back then.

Carol:cry:


I'm glad that both you, and your father came around at the end.

Maybe your mother knew more about your spirit than you think and in her love for you gave you what you wanted?

[joanne_mi]

Ann Landers-style thinking is dated by definition, either today or back in 79.

As I said, dated, but sympathetic.



Theories, theories, theories. :thumbsdn: Work so well with things, so poorly with human beings.

Good point, you certainly can't make something like this into a garden variety explaination. It could though, be one element in explaining all this for some people.

Thanks for your input. :)

[robinLynn]

Doesn't apply to me either....loved my dad and we got along great....

Love Karren

me too

[Sky]

Good point, you certainly can't make something like this into a garden variety explaination. It could though, be one element in explaining all this for some people.

Right, it is one factor among many, and maybe it applies to some, but not to all. Part of the article was written in the old-fashioned deterministic style, like this:

"In addition, one finds that transvestites do not have loving and warm relationships with their fathers."

"Some transvestites" or even "Many transvestites" would have been better.

:love:,
Sky

[pedalpusher]

[QUOTE=joanne_mi;604451]

What is reported, instead, is disruption; a father who is distant and passive or a father seen by his son as a cold, rigid, powerful, usually an unreachable man who punctuates his distance with moments of all-too-close rage. At times transvestites' fathers, whether distant and passive or distant and angry, introduce rare amounts of tenderness with their sons. And so the boys hunger for their fathers, loving them despairingly and with an almost sexual tinge; that is, with a yearning so intense that there is created an eroticized state of frustration.[/I]

I have a father that I have not talked with in about 17-18 years. So, I would not say all-too-close rage in this case, but rather maybe the hunger of wanting to know him. He sort of disappeared out of my life somewhat early, but as a youngster I did have some kind of relationship with him. I believe, don't know for sure, that my CDing simply came from being influenced by females early in my life. I was basically raised by Mom and Grandmom early on until step-father came around later. By then, it was too late. I was already in mom's closet playing with her pumps and skirts.

Additionally, I think the whole pedal pumping thing came from watching mom and grandmom at a very early age struggle starting their cars because of lack of male influence maybe?? So thats how I became the crossdressing pedalpusher perhaps?? Any ideas are welcomed!!

[JenniferMint]

I used to wore girls' leggings. I had bad eczema on my legs, and my dermatologist suggested wearing "long johns", but my mom ended up buying girls' leggings, perhaps because they were equivalent but more readily available. She thought nothing of it.

One time I had them on (without wearing pants over them), and my father was supposed to take me out somewhere. He didn't want being seen in public with me dressed like that, and he said that people could see my penis (he meant the bulge of it through my leggings). So I wore shorts above them. Now it looked like I was wearing pantyhose or something. He was still uncomfortable with it but he relented.

He later divorced and ran off to a foreign country and I haven't had any contact with him in over 10 years.

[vbcdgrl]

Interesting, there's another thread on here that hypothesizes that if the mother is under "stress" during pregnancy, that can cause the child to exhibit CD tendencies. I replied on that thread that I do feel my mom was under stress during pregnancy.
Now, this thing with my dad. He was an alcoholic, the "mean" kind. He could and did get violent, with myself and my mom. When he was sober, he was still kind of mean, unhappy most of the time. If he ever showed any affection or love toward me, I don't remember. Most of the time, he was distant and uninvolved.
Maybe, if we keep at it, we'll get to the bottom of the "why" of CDing.

Vikki

[kathy gg]

Bobbie, you certainly can have yoru opinions about Ann {god rest her soul}....

But I have to step in and defend Ann Landers. She gave nothing but thoughtful, kind, and spot on advice to wives who have caught or found out about their hubbys' being cd's. She helped many generations of confused women as I think I read at least twice a year or more when this subject comes up. Because it always does and it always will. She always said that crossdressers are not hurting anyone, that this is a very misudnerstood phenonmea {sp?] and that most wives big concerns {the gay thing, the srs thing} are not what most cd's even want.

This theory of hers might come from an outdated source....but overall, her support and stuff for crossdressers has done more to help than hurt.

Sorry for going off topic...



ann landers, what a putz. no one beat me (i wish) and no one made me dress up (once again i wish). if someone made me dress up maybe i could dress up more often and in front of people today.. but didn't happen, so here i sit in my own little private room, all dressed and no where to go.. :sad:

[Melissa73]

well for me, the first time i ever was dressed, was by by older brother and my sisters. We were playing agame, and i forget how it happened, but they tied me up, while they sliped my sisters nightgown on me. Thinking back, i must have liked it, as because later that night, as everyone was asleep, i slipped into my sisters room and found that nightgown.

AS for not having a close relationship with my father, i would have to say I didnt have one, until my teenage years. My parents were divorced, and i saw himevery other weekend. And when we did go see him, he worked all weekend minus sunday, the day we went home. But i wouldnt say that the lack of a relationship with my father led me to "crossdress." In fact, dispite this lack of relationship, I love and honor my father.....And always have. But, in all honesty, i am more closer to my mother (whom has been there for me when i really needed it.)

I have often asked myself, why i dress....and in the past i looked at it as being a bad thing. But, today, with all the bad in the world, i come to realize that i am not doing a bad thing. After all, my dressing doesnt hurt others nor does it affect anyone. For me, to dress up is a relaxing activity from a hard day of work.

but to blame my father's lack off closeness for my dressing, i would never do that. noone makes me dress, i have free will. Now maybe years ago, i was drawn it unwillingly, with desires and urges. But now, it is who i am. And with all the people out in the world who hurt others, how can anyone criticize crossdressers?

[Robin Leigh]

Once again, this is a very dated theory. However, in the spirit of not throwing the baby out with the bathwater, we explore and connect. :).
Understood. Which is why I gave the rest of my answer. :)


The theories on us from that period are weak at the very best. A quick read of "Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex, But Were Afraid To Ask" will verify the badly researched thinking of the day.
Indeed. But it was better than nothing for its day. I read that book when I was 10, while I was home sick with the flu. I told my best friend that I'd read it. Somehow, he forgot the fact that I read it in secret. He mentioned the book to his Mum (a doctor) & it got back to my parents... Did I get in trouble! FWIW, an updated edition was released a few years ago.

Robin

[linnea]

This is how I remember Ann Landers too, and even though it is a bit off the central topic, I'm glad that you wrote it.
The portrayal of CDs as AL's encyclopedia presents it is dated and over-general, so not surprisingly it fits some of us and not others. In my own case, my father was distant but for a different reason than I've seen noted so far: he was hospitalized when I was four and he died in the hospital when I was eight. Because of his hospitalization, I did not see him very often and then it was only on some weekends because the hospital was far from where we lived.
During that time and throughout my elementary school years, my mother had me wearing girl's panties under my boy clothes. On a couple of occasions she had me try on dresses in department store dressing rooms, and she said from time to time that she wished that she had had a daughter. She never said that she wished that I were a girl, and other than the panties, she never dressed me like a girl at home or in public. She didn't know that I was wearing her clothes some of the time since the age of seven, and when she died she did not know that I had ever been a crossdresser.
I do NOT blame my crossdressing on my father or my mother. I have always felt that both of them loved me very much. I was stunned by my father's death and felt abandoned by him (which, in turn, made me feel guilty about having bad thoughts about him). As I look back on it, I wish that I had shared my crossdressing secret with my mother. I think that she would have been surprised--even shocked--but understanding and supportive eventually.
I didn't know my dad well enough to speculate how he would have handled the news. What I've heard about him and my vague impressions of him suggest to me that he would have handled my behavior with compassion.



Bobbie, you certainly can have yoru opinions about Ann {god rest her soul}....

But I have to step in and defend Ann Landers. She gave nothing but thoughtful, kind, and spot on advice to wives who have caught or found out about their hubbys' being cd's. She helped many generations of confused women as I think I read at least twice a year or more when this subject comes up. Because it always does and it always will. She always said that crossdressers are not hurting anyone, that this is a very misudnerstood phenonmea {sp?] and that most wives big concerns {the gay thing, the srs thing} are not what most cd's even want.

This theory of hers might come from an outdated source....but overall, her support and stuff for crossdressers has done more to help than hurt.

Sorry for going off topic...

[joanne_mi]

FWIW, an updated edition was released a few years ago.

Robin

Really? I wasn't aware of that... I'd assume it's a bit more sympathetic to us then the first? I'll have to look for it at Amazon. Thanks for the heads up. :)

[Snookums]

Following is a paragraph from the "Ann Landers Encyclopedia" (note, the thinking here may be a bit dated, the book is copyrighted 1979).

....It seems therefore, that transvestism usually follows an attack on the boy's masculinity by someone, usually a woman, who puts females' clothes on him in order to humiliate him (demean his masculinity). In addition, one finds that transvestites do not have loving and warm relationships with their fathers. What is reported, instead, is disruption; a father who is distant and passive or a father seen by his son as a cold, rigid, powerful, usually an unreachable man who punctuates his distance with moments of all-too-close rage. At times transvestites' fathers, whether distant and passive or distant and angry, introduce rare amounts of tenderness with their sons. And so the boys hunger for their fathers, loving them despairingly and with an almost sexual tinge; that is, with a yearning so intense that there is created an eroticized state of frustration.

Not my theory, of course, but it did get me thinking....

The aforementioned attack on my masculinity never happened, the first time I dressed was with a like-aged female cousin, and per her and her sister, it was my idea. I was 5.

The statements regarding the relationship with the father did bring pause, some of that was pretty apt. I had a very difficult, and complex relationship with my father.

If you don't feel it's too personal, I'd like to find out if others in the community had the same type of relationship with their dads growing up. Although I'm not convinced that this is a logical theory, I'd like to see if there's any sort of connection.

Thanks in advance. :)

I was forced to dress in girls clothes from 4 tears old until I turned 7 by my birth mom and step dad.
as for my natural dad,he was a brutal monster,because I believed dressing in girls clothes was normal,he brutally abused me my entire life,in his eyes I was sick.
you cannot begin to comprehend some of the things he would accuse me of,once to teach me to leave stepmoms heels alone,he put my hands over the burner of a gas stove,when I read threads like this it just sends me into a rage.
no I'm not upset with you or your thread,just the individuals who made me what I am.

[Snookums]

I had a poor relationship with my father until he was forced to move out when I was 16ish, after which I never saw him again.
He was always someone to be feared and was rarely involved with me for anything other than a beating if I did wrong.
His rules about the house were strict and not always logical in my opinion. When he left, things were much more relaxed.

I think his regime forced me to be more introvert and secretive, I used to spend hours alone outside or locked in my room out of harms way and I have often wondered if that was what made me who I am.
I have thought long and hard about this so many times and can honestly say I will never know.

sorry for the long post, but this has touched a nerve with me, now can someone point me in the direction of the 'I hate my father' forum :)

secrets,thats how my life was,are you sure our fathers weren't clones:eek:

[tammie]

Hi All: First let me say that if Ann Landers was here today she would likely admit that this info is dated and probably not accurate. She was always ready to admit when she was wrong. To her credit she helped me when I was a teen by writing advice for a man who wanted to buy womens underwear. After reading her advice I was able to get the courage to do it.

In my case my mother was under great stress when I was en utero. Aside from being maried to man who didn't want children and was constantly berrating her and screaming at her, she was on the ragged edge of always being in congestive heart failure. She was 40yo when I was born, and she had a damaged heart valve from "rhumatic fever" IE untreated strep in her teen yrs.

I was also forced crying in to my older sister's gingham partydress, panties, lacey socks and maryjanes at age 4, in front of her and 2 playmates giggling the whole time, by my mother who was only being playful. My grandmother would always say to me "its a shame U were not a girl with that great complexion".

Last but not least my father was cold and always ready to fly into an angry rage that ended with physical abuse to my mother or sister or me. My sister today has struggled a lifetime with an eating disorder that was likely caused from this abuse. There is almost no way I cold not have been a crossdresser.

[Snookums]

Hi All: First let me say that if Ann Landers was here today she would likely admit that this info is dated and probably not accurate. She was always ready to admit when she was wrong. To her credit she helped me when I was a teen by writing advice for a man who wanted to buy womens underwear. After reading her advice I was able to get the courage to do it.

In my case my mother was under great stress when I was en utero. Aside from being maried to man who didn't want children and was constantly berrating her and screaming at her, she was on the ragged edge of always being in congestive heart failure. She was 40yo when I was born, and she had a damaged heart valve from "rhumatic fever" IE untreated strep in her teen yrs.

I was also forced crying in to my older sister's gingham partydress, panties, lacey socks and maryjanes at age 4, in front of her and 2 playmates giggling the whole time, by my mother who was only being playful. My grandmother would always say to me "its a shame U were not a girl with that great complexion".

Last but not least my father was cold and always ready to fly into an angry rage that ended with physical abuse to my mother or sister or me. My sister today has struggled a lifetime with an eating disorder that was likely caused from this abuse. There is almost no way I cold not have been a crossdresser.

my father never got phycally abusive with my stepmom,stepbrother,or stepsister,just me,no matter what went wrong in that house,it was always my fault because I was abnormal.
today they probably blame everything that goes wrong on me,and they haven't heard from me in 7 years or so.
I once met John Bradshaw,he told me,"target children" also known as the family scapegoat
can never be repaired,they go through life trying to understand what they did wrong.

[PattieAnn]

ann landers, what a putz. no one beat me (i wish) and no one made me dress up (once again i wish). if someone made me dress up maybe i could dress up more often and in front of people today.. but didn't happen, so here i sit in my own little private room, all dressed and no where to go.. :sad:

Great post from my point of view.

Here is my theory. I do what makes me happy and I don’t need to find reasons why I am the way I am. What would be the point, someone to blame? Someone to thank? I make no apologizes for who I am and I have no guilt about who and what I am.

Pattie Ann

[Eugenie]

No, I wasn't forced to dress as a girl when I was younger.

No my father wasn't cold and distant, just the contrary, very warm and always ready to answer questions from his children.

Of course there will always be some people who recognise themselves in such theories. But the analogy of situations doesn't prove any causality between the osbverved situations where fathers have been cold ans distant and travestism.

But I'm not surprised about Ann Lander's statements, especially since they were made more than 30 years ago...
:hugs:
Eugenie

[Janailene]

30 years is for ever. Ann would proibably say something different now.

As for me I intiated my CDing at 5years old. My Dad was killed before I was 10,but my memories are of a great person.

I believe that we are all slightly different except for the fact that once you put on girls clothes you're hooked. No getting away, but who would want to anyway!!

[Snookums]

Hey, there was some discrepancy over my who my father was/is. To this day I dont know for sure! so...you never know!

Further to my last post, I wonder if my visions of my father made me not want to be a man?

the way my father treated me made me not to want children,my stepsister is married for 18 years ,she has no children,I believe it's because the way I was treated,my stepbrother is divorced and has 3 boys,his wife left him because he brutalized his 3 boys,all 3 of my nephews have emotional problems,their hands shake all the time,and they are big time alcoholics.
I just wonder if parental violence against their children is genetics.
my father never drank any alcoholic yummies.

[KarenSusan]

I believe that we are all slightly different except for the fact that once you put on girls clothes you're hooked

That certainly seems to be true.

[kayla_cd_va]

I have no idea who my father is. I was raised by my grandparents and they told me that they were my parents. They even had a birth certificate showing them as my parents, so I never questioned it. The woman who raised me was a sad person. She had issues. The man who acted like my dad was not around much. And when he was the old woman treated him like trash, so I don't blame him for not being around. When I was 40 I found out that my mom was who I thought was my sister. She died 2 years before I found out that she wasn't my sister, that she was my mom. I have always felt inadequate as a male. I wanted to do boy things but was never really good at sports or other guy things. I would put on the woman's stockings when I was 13 or so and knew then that I wanted to please men, but I fought it because I didn't want to be a "fag." I only feel like I'm me when I'm dressed. Nothing feels as natural to me as wearing stockings and high heels with make up and a wig on. I believe that different things cause crossdressing. As much as I love it and do it more and more I don't believe it's a natural thing for a male to do. Someting happened at some point. I think it's wonderful for forums like this to be available to us who love crossdressing but struggle with it.

Kayla

[Karen Johnson]

I've often wondered whether or not my relationship (or lack thereof) with my father had anything to do with my being a transvestite. I don't think my father liked me. We were not close at all. He was physically abusive toward me, sometimes seriously so. My mother was wonderful. I always thought that maybe I somehow or other grew up wanting to be like her and not at all like him.

[princessmichelle]

Hi,

I'd like to respond to the original post.

For the first part: no, I was not forcibly dressed etc.

For the second part, relationship with father: complex, so maybe yes.

princess michelle

[Rachel Morley]

In addition, one finds that transvestites do not have loving and warm relationships with their fathers. What is reported, instead, is disruption; a father who is distant and passive or a father seen by his son as a cold, rigid, powerful, usually an unreachable man who punctuates his distance with moments of all-too-close rage.
There was never any rage involved but cold and distant, and with a desire that his son would be a tough guy "man's man"....yeah, tell me about it :(

[AprilMae]

I think we all have seen here that we all do this for a myriad of reasons, some known some unknown. You can't pigeonhole it based on psychobabble, however benign it may be. I do it, I like it, I don't really care why. My mother didn't dress me up, my father didn't abuse me. I'm a normal well adjusted guy who likes to put on a dress every so often,

[charly]

I never even met my father but I alway's wished that I had a father or atleast a brother. My mom and my sister raised me. When I was young I wanted to be just like my sister and I followed her everywhere. I remember she was in "Brownies" (generic girl scouts) and my mom volunteered with the group so I would go to every event and meeting. And one day when I was about 4 or 5 years old I wanted to try on this red and white dress that my sister had so when I had the opportunity I went in to the closet and tried it on.

[racquel]

me too
Me also.A middle child,loving family,as far as I know the only cd'r.:D

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

It's reflective of outdated, typically Freudian, theories about crossdressing and trans-ness -- along with it's counter-parts: the cold, distant mother, the smothering mother, etc.

Richard Docter, in his excellent "Transvestites and Transsexuals," specifically looked at these theories found no evidence to support them. (Not to say that it may not have occurred in individual instances, as people have attested to.) Social historians Vern and Bonnie Bullough point out in "Cross Dressing Sex and Gender" how psychological theories about crossdressing and trans-ness during the past century have reflected a lot of unacknowleged biases based on societal assumptions about "proper" gender roles at a given time.

BTW, I also have to give props to Ann Landers, for the reasons Kathy GG mentioned. The information may have been incorrect in this case, but overall she was definitely supportive.

Incidentally, it's also worth Freud did make a lot of valuable contributions -- ideas like projection, transference, etc. that we don't think of being "Freudian." And Freud himself was a lot less "Freudian" than his follower when it came to things like the Opedius and Electra complexes. Interestingly, Freud never addressed transgender issues -- all this sort of theorizing was done by later followers.

[sandra-leigh]

....It seems therefore, that transvestism usually follows an attack on the boy's masculinity by someone, usually a woman, who puts females' clothes on him in order to humiliate him (demean his masculinity).

I've never had a particularily good memory for events ("episodic memory"), but to the best of my recollection, absolutely nothing like that ever happened to me.

[QUOTE=joanne_mi;604451] In addition, one finds that transvestites do not have loving and warm relationships with their fathers. What is reported, instead, is disruption; a father who is distant and passive or a father seen by his son as a cold, rigid, powerful, usually an unreachable man who punctuates his distance with moments of all-too-close rage.

Let me think... Yes I got spankings; no I can't recall at the moment if they were always administered by my father. They hurt, but there was always a reason for them, and I don't mean a "made-up" or arbitrary reason for them. My father might perhaps have been the disciplinarian more than my mother, but there was never ever a cruelty about it: we always knew that our parents were trying as best they knew how to raise us.

We did a lot together as a family, camped, hiked, tobagonned, went to museums, visited every province except Newfoundland and all of the northern USA. Reading was well encouraged, as was an appreciation for nature; team sports were never pressed upon me; he took me to his work, helped me with little electronics projects, and let me help him in his household workshop, including using the grinders and chisels and drills and saws.

Unfortunately, his health was failing by the time I was 10, and he had several surguries and hospital stays, and died about a month before my 14th birthday.

If he were still alive... I'm pretty sure he would have been able to accept my cross-dressing (which really didn't kick in until 2 years ago) -- at least intellectuallym as intolerance was never one of our family values. But after this long it's hard to predict how comfortable he would have been if I'd gone to visit him in full femme. (I don't think it would bother my sister or brother-in-law to see me in full femme, but she already has enough things in her life; all 3 of us tend to burn ourselves out helping people.) My mother... if I told her, I'm certain she would still love me, but she'd ask questions that I'm not prepared to answer.)

[DawnRodgers]

Never knew mt father. He died in WWII, before I was birn - actually he wasn't my legal father either. I was a bastsrd child - probably a kind of going away present to my mother.
Anyway, I was brought up by my mom.and her sister. Her sisiter's husband died when I was two or theree from an infection. So I was brought up in a house with my mom,. my aunt and my two girl cousins - no men except for uncles and such. Alwayw thought that that played a great part in my CDing. All of thise woman and their cute feminine things. Also ladies in that era always wore dresses or skirts and bkouses. Heels and nylons. Make up. I guess that stayed with me.
Dawn

[noname]

Let's sum up my dad, jerk, jerk, and oh wait... jerk!

It kind of goes like this. My mom left him at the age of 3 due to his volital temper. The events that transpired are unknown to me. I lived with him from time to time, and I can say, he was impossible to please. He remarried my mom when I was 12. More of the same, anger, rage, and abuse.

Why is it I don't want to be identified with other men?

[Krystenw]

I'm pretty sure both of my parents loved me. They were together for 50 years.
I was dressed as a little girl until I started school. My dad was a roughneck in the oil fields in the early 50's and wasn't home much.
When I was about 8 I was made to wear girls clothes as punishment.
Then I was forced to play football and basketball and track. Which I hated.
I know my mother was "stressed" when she had me. She was only 16 when I was born. As to dad, he was generally too busy trying to make a living.

What ever the cause was, I'm 57 and don't plan on quitting any time soon.

[Daintre]

My dad was a Sargent in the British Army, during WWII he was promoted and demoted because of his behavior. As a father he was a severe disciplinarian, I remember feeling his web belt many times .

I remember as a teen....I had bought a night gown, he came into my room early one morning and pulled the covers off of me ....he saw the nighty and was furious...he ripped from me, gave me a lickin and we were never close again. Of course I gravitated to my mom and slowly became a momma's boy

[Sally24]

Have to agree with the father bit in my situation. He was very distant and was away with his buddies most weekends. I was and am very close with my mother. Haven't seen my father in years, he just doesn't find the time to visit anyone.

Sally

[ReginaK]

Parents got divorced when I was young.

That's about it.

[angie^]

Don't agree with everything in that statement, but my father was very distant and seemed unloving, as he did with all his children, girls included, in fact, he hardly spoke to me until I was 16, and able to hold an adult conversation.

Angie^ xxx

[Maureen Henley]

Neither part of that article is appropriate for me. I was never forcibly dressed by anyone, and my dad, while not demonstrative, was not distant, gruff, demanding, etc. He was also the best boss I ever had. He's been dead for almost 6 years and I still miiss him like hell.

[Vicky_Scot]

Do not want to bring up the past really as my father passed away 3 years ago.

But the original thread sparked something in me to respond.

My father was physically and verbally abusive to my mum, my sisters and myself. I can never remember that man showing any affection to anyone. No cuddles or kisses. No father and son days out etc etc.

So maybe that did have an influence along with other factors or maybe it did not.........who really knows.

I turned out nothing like him thankfully and have a full and loving relationship with my beautiful wife and kid's.

But seem there is something there as so many responding express their relationship with their father as, well not really having a relationship.

Anyways bless you all .

[jo_ann]

This could very well explain a lot of things.. my story:

Father has always been pretty shy, worked odd hours (tues-sat, 4am-1pm). parents divorced when I was 12. Even today, I still find myself rarely talking to him.. he's not mean, he just... doesn't talk. When I visit, little is said (unless I figure out a way to bring up a scientific conversation). After 30 minutes of trying, it usually turns into "let's go watch some TV". I so desperately want to have a stronger relationship, but being shy myself (something I'm trying to break out of), I find it very difficult when he's the same way (like father like son). He rarely calls and when he does it's usually a short question. I kid you not, he prefers to send a letter (and when I say letter, I mean a couple sentences.. sometimes bullet points) than to call me. again, not because we have a bad relationship, he just doesn't talk. When I was younger (like up to 8-9 years old) I remember watching TV lying on the couch in front of him, under a blanket. I'm still not sure if this is normal or not. I remember sometimes while in the car, he'd like to tickle me, but often it would be between my thighs (which was very ticklish), but I have memories of it sometimes being a little too close to the danger zone, and I would use all my strength to hold his hand to stop him until he gave up.. Yeah I know, I really need to see a psycologist because I think it was borderline sexual abuse. Never any hugs (I think he's homophobic). When I was about 16, we got in a car accident (tboned in an intersection), knocked the wind out of me, sprained some ribs. I remember in the ambulance ride to the hospital him on the bed staring up at me, just holding my hand. I don't think a single dam word was said either (not "are you ok", or "sorry"). He also had a drinking problem growing up (probably a big factor in the divorce), which he has thankfully overcome since the divorce. Only sibling (now dead) was a brother, who would tease me (I'm 4 years younger), so often I would feel like the teased sister (overpowering me definetely challenged my masculinity). I remember riding bikes in the muddy hills near our house, and we went up this tall one, and it had this really steep incline. and for like 30 minutes he teased me and said I needed to stop being a pussy and just ride down it.. making up lies like "you better do it, or I'm gonna call the cops". So top all that off with not having a mother after age 12 (probably when crossdressing became strong because I now didn't have a female figure in my life), and I guess you could pretty strongly explain why I am who I am.

[Clare]

I grew up in a loving family and always had what I needed as a child. My Mum was an efficient type and a practical mother. My Dad spent long hours at work and he really only spent time with his children on the weekends. He was not the touchy feely type, but it was obvious he tried to be an involved dad when he could.

As for myself being a Dad, I have a 4yrs boy and I spent as much time with him as I could, experiencing all those little significant moments in his life - it was just wonderful! I was also a stepfather to a teenage boy for nine years, but we never "hit it off" as much as I tried. Unfortunately, some resentment and anger entered our lives and now we dislike each other intensly! I have to admit (and it's hard to do so) that I became verbally abusive to him by the time his mother and I split. It's the one true regret I have in life...

It is interesting to note about pregnant mothers and stress. I have no idea about my own mother, but my ex was in an extreme state of stress during the whole of her pregnancy, so I wonder whether my 4yrs son will become a crossdresser? I do know my son has delayed speech developement problems and there are cases of Asperger's Syndrome that have been diagnosed in my ex's family (including her oldest child and possibly herself), so i'm pretty sure my son is going to have some form of affliction.

[Mary Morgan]

I cannot remember a time when I did not want to dress. As a very young child I was aware of a desire to be female at least part of the time. My relationship with my father was not a good one from my perspective. He was gone most of the time, and when he was home, he was the disciplinarian. Niether of my parents were demonstrative in their loving, but were in their anger and disappointment. I was the oldest child and the first to do almost everything good or bad. Good was expected and bad was punished. I do recall my younger sister being a centerpiece. Pretty dresses, dolls, playhouse, and lots of attention that I probably was envious of. I don't know if I'll ever understand where my TG feelings and desires came from, but I will tell you that I love being TG, and would only change the nature of our society where it is concerned. Of course, I would love to be shorter, thinner, younger, pretty, shapely and all the other usual things required to be able to hide in the open. Louise

[REBECCA62]

Following is a paragraph from the "Ann Landers Encyclopedia" (note, the thinking here may be a bit dated, the book is copyrighted 1979).

....It seems therefore, that transvestism usually follows an attack on the boy's masculinity by someone, usually a woman, who puts females' clothes on him in order to humiliate him (demean his masculinity). In addition, one finds that transvestites do not have loving and warm relationships with their fathers. What is reported, instead, is disruption; a father who is distant and passive or a father seen by his son as a cold, rigid, powerful, usually an unreachable man who punctuates his distance with moments of all-too-close rage. At times transvestites' fathers, whether distant and passive or distant and angry, introduce rare amounts of tenderness with their sons. And so the boys hunger for their fathers, loving them despairingly and with an almost sexual tinge; that is, with a yearning so intense that there is created an eroticized state of frustration.

Not my theory, of course, but it did get me thinking....

The aforementioned attack on my masculinity never happened, the first time I dressed was with a like-aged female cousin, and per her and her sister, it was my idea. I was 5.

The statements regarding the relationship with the father did bring pause, some of that was pretty apt. I had a very difficult, and complex relationship with my father.

If you don't feel it's too personal, I'd like to find out if others in the community had the same type of relationship with their dads growing up. Although I'm not convinced that this is a logical theory, I'd like to see if there's any sort of connection.

Thanks in advance. :)

hi joanne,
guess you must be phsycic.i only found this site last week and having listed a few posts i was only thinking yesterday of how word some sort of questionaire etc. on what had influenced some of you to dress.i was also about to post an introduction to myself on the new members bit, so it seems appropiate to respond here, although i will still probably list a short general intro. as well.
i'll start with my relationship with my father and then discuss the dressing-up
i am the eldest of three children. i have a younger brother and an adopted younger sister.
Up until being about eight yrs. old i suppose thing were ok. he was working a lot so i didnt see much of him.
my mother tells me that i wanted for nothing and that he loved me - however i do not remember much of this due i think, to me blocking most of it out due to the subsequent nature of our relationship.then when i was about 8 or 9 he received a 2yr. prison sentence for some minor fraud or something at his workplace.things were ok even then, he told me that as the man of the house now i had to look after my mother and siblings whilst he could not.
upon his release and return to the family home however things went awry. the first day out he beat me, and he continued until at 17-halfway through college things got bad to the point i'd had enough and left.
throughout this time he took every oppurtunity to belittle and demean me, he continually tried to dominate my personality and intellect. the fact that he did not suceed just made matters worse.he was sometimes cold, but always distant and aggressive towards me- my sister became my fathers favourite, and my brother my mothers.he was a strict disciplinarian, and any infraction of his rules wether serious or minor led me to get a beating.
the "attack on my masculinity" did not come from a dominant female dressing me up in girls clothing, but i think, from my father's consant remarks that if i didn't act like a man he would "put me in a skirt". a fact that amused me no end in later years- if only he had known the outcome of his actions.
throughout my life i tried, sometimes i think too hard, to establish a bond or some common ground between the two of us.all i had ever wanted was his love and affection.
He died about 4 yrs. ago now, we never did get on.but having tried all i did for as long as i did i feel no guilt or sorrow. it was not to be. he was as much a victim as i was. a victim of his own upbringing in a lancashire mill town and all that entails, and whilst there were times i had hated him with a vengeance, that was the anger of my youth - i feel no hatred for him now.
In fact when he was lying unconcious, in a morphine induced state on his death bed, i went to visit him in hospital ( we had not been talking for several months previous to this for some stupid reason or other ). I asked the rest of the family to leave us alone and said my piece to him. i told him that i would never know why it had been as it had between us, that i had always loved him and always would.it was at this point that his breathing changed from what if had been the rest of our chat-so i think that eventually he heard me,its a pity it was too late.
There was never a "sexual tinge" to my feelings towards him, just the desire of a son to be loved by his father.

My first memories of any thing out of the 'norm' :heehee: as are when i was about 4 or 5 yrs. old playing with a gg freind of mine.i think looking back we were both just curious as to the differences between ourselves but for some reason we were swopping clothes in her garage. we heard her mother coming and hurridley slipped our outer clothing back on. i remember a thrill of some sort standing there in front of her mum knowing she was unaware that i was wearing her daughters nickers whilst she was talking to us.
i also remember singing a song in church school called 'i feel pretty' and all the way home sang it to myself in my head thinking- yes, i do feel pretty.
the next clothing incident i can recall would have been some four years later when a cousin of mine walked in to find me trying on a pair of my grandmother tights(pantyhose), she said nothing about it as far as i know and it was never discussed.
there were no other instances that i recall save for the fact that as i passed into my teens i did start trying my mothers clothes on when i was alone in the house.throughout my teens i carried this on.
as i got older i aquried my own attire, just bits and pieces, you understand ( no full ensembles-that would come later) just the odd nightie,skirt etc.
this carried on untili was in my early thirties. the i had a serious motorcycle crash. this was a life changing experience for me in many ways, but the primary one was that having lived on this little planet all my life, never hurting anyone i decided to stop feeling guilty about my cross-dressing and just accept it and more importantly myself for what i am.
i had become comfortable with rebecca at long last.
from then on i decided that if dressing up was always going to be in me then i might as well do it to the best of my ability,(a philosophy that i had alwayshad in other areas of my life) so i started buying wigs, shoes (that fit)and make-up, etc.etc.
i told the next 'gg'friend i had about my femme side from the start, at first she was ok with it but it wasn't a good match and as time went on she started to resent me having nicer clothes than her. anyway we split, and guess what - the first thing she threw at me was she did'nt want to be a lesbian !!!! go figure.
whilst in this relationship i felt even more secure about my femms side to 'come out to my close friends and my mother and sister.
my sister was ok, my mother - although she accepts it she does not really like it (the usual- was it me,did i do somethying wrong etc.), i still think it would have been easier for her if i had been gay- easier to pigieonhole me in her mind.
As for my friends- well, they were all wonderful about it. which shows i think 1- what genuine freinds they really are and 2- that i had made good choices in whom i call freind.there were one or two who said they had had suspicions for years and that there had been times when they called to see me and i didn't answer the door straight away that they joked with each other that i was probably struggling to get out of a dress- and indeed on some occasions how right they were !:heehee: since then i have had several girlie nights in with their respective partners. its great how they enjoy it as much as i do. they get to play and i get someone else to do my make-up and pass on tips, although some of them initially thought that all cd'ers make-up should look like a drag queen, i've re-educated them now though.we have even had an anne summers lingerie party at one of their houses !
that's about it as far as frocks are concerned- to date, i am content, i consider myself to be a nice person and think that with my dual veiwpoint on life i am one of the most complete people i know (tho' i think this would apply to all of you as well), i no longer worry about what other 'norms' think as most of the live in a glass house as far as knowing their true selves is concerned.
So there you have it joanne, my little take on your post concerning ann landers views.(by the way it was 1979 when i left home and college).whilst i disagree with some of it i also connect with some of it. just because it's 30 years old does not negate it, hell back then we all thought video was wonderful but now we want dvd quality.things have a habit of changing dont they-it does not make the old stuff worthless, you must veie things in the perspective of the time from whence they came.
if i have rambled on a bit i'm sorry, but it has proved to be a bit cathertic for me, as i have just laid bare to you all, that which i have never discussed with anyone before.indeed i was typing the part about my father with a tear in my eye.
anyway i hope this is of help or interest to you, like i said it was a coincidence that i was thinking along these lines when i saw you thread.

on a somewhat lighter note, i am so glad to have found this forum and other like minded individuals to talk to.i am also so glad to have found that nice brown tartan skirt and complementing open-roll-necked top in asda (wal-mart) yesterday. it looks and feels great on.:heehee:

i would also like to say a big hello from me to all of you.
HELLO. :D
if any of you have any questions, feel free girls.
lots of love.
rebecca.
xxx

[AlyssaT]

I'm no expert, but I think most people have rocky relationships with their fathers. If you were raised in the Fifties or Sixties, the chances are overwhelming that you consider your father remote or emotionally distant. That was the conventional fathering style of the time.

I was raised by baby-boomers, so there was a bit more emotional freedom. But even today men do express less emotion than women. And most fathers are hard-working breadwinners, and a child always feels that he never gets quite enough attention.

And, as males, our growing up always involves some sort of wresting of autonomy from our fathers. Our manhood is won by denying him his control over us. That's a traumatic experience for both parties.

I think these things are true for 90% of men, and not just for crossdressers.

[Melora]

This thread is a few days old but I thought it was a good thing to keep going..
My Father..
He is My best Friend now, We go dirt Biking together and talk politics and just hang out.
He Used to Beat me. He was an Alcoholic.
He worked on something ALL THE TIME.., Whether at his job or in his garrage.
When I was 10, I wanted to dress like a girl for Samhain/Halloween. My Mother was ALL TOO Helpfull- HeHe :).. I was All dolled up one afternoon while practicing for a look.. And DAD came home.. He said "I did not raise my son to be a girl", Or something like that.. He did not talk to me for the rest of the evening. Around my middle Teens he opened up my door and found me ALL dressed up, much to my embarressment. We never talked about any of these things however..AFTER those days, and to Now, He rarely ever wants to teach me anything, or Even accept my help with ANYTHING. But, He is getting older now and we actually live very close to each other, He is actually now asking for help with some things and as I said We have done dirt biking together for quite a long time now. As I have gotten a little older He is now starting to teach me some of his "know how".
I Love my Dad, Though I do not think that we will ever talk about the my other side. I will always just TRY to be by his side.

I do not know if this falls into line with this thread, but I just thought to write this.

[Sejd]

My dad left home when I was 13 and I never saw him again. I have later realized that he was a CD also and my sexologist has confirmed that CD'ism is something which is passed down through generations. My dad was very loving although not very intimate with me. My mom was stricht, I don't think it has anything to do with me being a transexual. I just think it is passed down.
huggs
Sejd

[emmerzgurl06]

Doesnt apply to me either. My dad and I always had a good relationship and still do. Now, would I go to my father and tell him I love wearing lingerie and other articles of womens clothing? I would not. It's not something he needs to know. But we get along great!

Emmerz

[Cristi]

I've heard this 'theory' bouncing a round a lot. For the record, I would categorize my father as 'distant and passive' and there was a period in my 'formative years' when he had a job in another state so we only saw him on weekends.
:2c:
Now I've gotten that behind me, I've got to say that this type of psychology is like astrology. You can give anybody any random tripe as a horoscope and people will try to rationalize some way it 'fits' their situation. "Why yes, I am a Scorpio and I DO feel creative and moody this month!"

Tell 50 crossdressers that some experts say that CDing may have been caused by a distant father, and a majority will tell you that perhaps their father was distant with them. Tell the same 50 that crossdressing is triggered by too many red toys, and 90% of them will suddenly remember the red firetruck they used to love when they were 5 years old, so (slap palm on forehead) of COURSE I turned out to be a crossdresser! Thanks for turning on the light!

Of course there is a cause, everything has a cause, but I don't think we'll be lucky enough to find on that simplistic.

[JennaKnots]

My alcoholic father left when I was 3. My mom married another alcoholic when I was 5...he left when I was 8 and my mother remarried - yet another alkie - when I was 9 or 10. They're still together, but he was a tough guy. He wasn't physically abusive, but the threat was always there. He was rageful and then lovable from one minute to the next.

I appreciate you brininging up the thread, Joanne. I've been trying to trace the roots of this thing for awhile. For me it's a way of demystifying it and ultimately having more self-accepance.

Anyone who has come to a place of complete comfort and contentment with this aspect of their lives has my congrats and I'm a little jealous. But I imagine that more people struggle with it than admit. Which is kind of sad, b/c it sort of defeats the purpose of honoring and emulating women and the sisterhood we're trying to create here.

[Blonde]

I was extremely close to my father. After my mom died, we were all that was left of the family (I was an only child).

No, my father didn't know of my crossdressing, but apart from that, we were the best of friends, besides being father-son, we did almost everything together. If I couldn't get over to see him, I would at the least call him every day.

[hippychick]

my parents divorced when I was around 5 or 6. Still get along well with both Mum and Dad (32 years later) but never really was close to my dad after the divorce...

[Jere Oneil]

I guess it somewhat fits me. My Scot-Irish father was somewhat distant and didn't participate a lot in raising me, so I was closer to my mom. I wouldn't say he had rages or anything, but I grew up in the era where spanking children was commonplace, and when I did something bad, my dad was the enforcer/executioner. I'd be sent to my room to wait for mt dad to get home and have my "sentence" carried out. I was never really dressed as punishment, but my mom did dress me in girl's clothes on several halloweens, and once when I had a really bad toileting accident at around 6, I had to wear my cousin's (a girl cousin of course)clothes because I'd ruined mine.

[MJ]

well that sounds interesting but dead wrong in my case.. my dad and me were real close. he was always understanding and so was my mom. my home life was good and i loved them so.so i can't fault my childhood for who i am ..
i just felt different i knew i should have been born a girl from a young age ...
that's the part That is hard to explain i just know it deep in my heart ..
shrinks have to come up with some reason why we do what we do..
but the bottom line is there is nothing wrong with us thats my :2c: worth

[tall_brianna]

I must have been the sole data point for this "study". :eek:

That is exactly how it started except it was my "father" who did it once to humiliate me. Once at age 5 he made me walk across the street in front of the neighborhood kids wearing one of my sisters dresses and, and this is the weird part because no one would see, her panties. I recall that this punishment was for doing something "sissified".

I've told the story somewhere on here in the past. It did humiliate me, but I think, if the event has any significance, it was just the spark. The fuel was already there from birth. I've read stories about other CDers that went a long time not having a desire to CD and got dressed up for holloween or as childs play and realized that they loved it. It clicked.

My male parental figure (sorry, he doesn't deserve the title even post mortem) was a miserable human in so many more ways than Ms. Landers could imagine. The funny thing is that when he later caught me at around age 10, he never even stopped to consider that he may have started it, he just thrashed the crap out of me.

None of that made me who I am, it just made me intensely afraid and ashamed of who I am.

-b

[tall_brianna]

oh, yeah, and the mother things she said don't apply to me. I wasn't much more fond of mum for taking a back seat and watching the JR Torment Show. (and I thought she and my sisters were beastly). :2c:

[Bernice]

So I'm not so different after all?

Any proclivity for my dressing in clothing originally intended for the other gender was entirely original, and only mine.

My father, a NASA scientist, moved out and divorced my mother (his second wife) when I was 10, and was of trivial influence in my raising. He spent time with us on weekends, encouraging me to do yard work (which I hated, party due to undiagnosed allergies), or to go out for a reastaurant meal, or visit a park. He preferred to discuss scientific or technical issues, not emotional issues.

He died in 1979.

My mother (post stroke now in a nursing home) recently made a big point to tell me that dad physically abused her over and over again. It is hard to believe she could have hid that from me at the time. I can't independently verify her belated claims. Why she wanted to tell me now, I have no clue. Then again, she was violent with me over my crossdressing, until I grew bigger than her. Perhaps it is to cover some guilt, but I doubt it.

My father was in a mental hospital for a couple weeks in the late 60s, during which time he says he was involuntarily given painful electro-shock treatments. It certainly sounds barbaric, but again, I was adolescent at the time, and I could not independently verify his claim.

It's a wonder I am not a lot more messed up than I am.

So the original Ann Landers theory fits me half-wrong, and half right on. Bless her heart. I miss her.