O U T ! revisited (Let's be honest...)

[uknowhoo]

As many of you know, I came out to my wife several weeks ago. When deciding to come out, I resolved to a) be completely honest with my wife; and b) try not to take things too quickly. Unfortunately, those two goals can be inconsistent, especially with my wife who moves very quickly emotionally. She wanted to know all about everything right away. She asked to see me dressed on the second day, said it was OK to shave, even bought me a swimsuit on day 4! That would qualify as positive reaction!

Her motivation (other than her love for me, and wanting to support me) was her desire to get to know Tammi, this other side of me she had never known. Therein lies the rub. Interspersed with the positive steps were some emotional, and difficult conversations about the "real me." She was not judgemental about the dressing really. What gave her a hard time was the fact that her husband, her life partner, to whom she had been a completely open book for twenty years, had a whole other secret life which he (I) had never shared with her. I came to understand that, while I had many very good reasons to do so, not confiding in her about my femme side, who I really am, was a greater breach of trust than not disclosing that I happen to enjoy wearing skirts, heels and make-up.

So how 'bout you? Is it only about the clothes, really? Do you pretend it's only about the dressing? Or, to those who aren't out to their spouses, are you, too, hiding not just the dressing, but an important part of who you are?

I know that may sound judgemental, though that certainly isn't my intention in writing this. I was in that sameboat for too long to presume to judge you. I simply want to challenge you to take a hard, honest look at yourself. Doing so has been quite helpful to me.

Thanks for reading, and pondering.

Love,

Tammi

p.s. As far as an update is concerned... my wife presently does not wish to see me dressed, she asks some questions, and is struggling to come to terms with the whole deal. She's getting there, in a 2 steps up, 1 step back kinda way. God bless her, she is trying her best, as am I. While difficult, we are both committed to working through it, and to our marriage surviving and thriving.

[linnea]

Thank you, Tammi, for a very thoughtful and thought-provoking challenge. I have been considering coming out to my wife for some time. I have told my daughter a little and I think that I will tell her more. I'm still very uncertain.
But you've given me some very important points to consider.

[Just Plain Kay]

When I told my wife after five years of marriage, it was all about the clothes.

It was only over the next few years that I came to understand that there's much more to it.

She's been there with me as I struggled to sort things out, and she's convinced that I will transition some day. But I feel no need to do so.

[Sweet Jane]

Tammi...

I tried to come out to my wife about 13 years ago...I told her about my wearing womens underwear and the like, but not the "full" story. I never told her about the outer wear and makeup and heels etc. The reason I didn't divulge it all was that she did not take it overly well, (but then she didn't spin out either), so I chose to leave it there. Of course it gave her big insecurities, thinking that I was going to leave her, thinking that I may be gay, and no doubt there is this "new" rather strange" to say the least side to me that I had sprung on her which she was trying to comprehend. She did offer to buy me silk boxers!!?

I am aware that she married a "man", and possibly has no wish to have a CD as a husband, and therein lies most of our problems...I don't know if I want her to see me dressed. I don't know if that would embarrass me, her or both of us. I have thought long and hard about another more open and fully truthful talk with her, but I know that once it's out, I can never take it back. I don't think anyone that loves someone truely wants to risk it all, but, I know that she loves me too, and I'm sure she would be able to accept me for what I really am. I know that I would rather not be hiding who I am....it makes me feel "dirty", it makes me feel like a cheat.

Tammi, I'll be interested to see what others think. I'd also be interested to hear a GG side. It's just that at the moment, again I am lacking courage to do what I know I should do...and that's to talk openly with the one person I love more than anyone. I will get there one day.

[Sky]

I resolved to a) be completely honest with my wife and b) try not to take things too quickly.

As I was reading this I was thinking "danger - red lights..."


Unfortunately, those two goals can be inconsistent...

Told ya!


So how 'bout you? Is it only about the clothes, really? Do you pretend it's only about the dressing? Or, to those who aren't out to their spouses, are you, too, hiding not just the dressing, but an important part of who you are?

Of course it's not only about the dressing. Yes, I don't want to share everything I am with her. But there also is a lot I do want to share with her, and therefore it's worth staying together. I know it's against the "majority accepted" morality. I don't believe in such a thing. I also know it's not a perfect solution. But I don't believe in perfect solutions either.

Good luck in your coming out process!
:love:

[erica12b]

i have not told anyone in my real life .just my online world, i do not dress very often, and its more of a hobby than a life style for me, but i have been trying to find a gg that i can meet in my area, that will have talked to erica before she meets the male half , truth /reality

[Karren H]

Luckily or unluckily depending on your point of view, my wife didn't want to get to know Karren... And she doesn't even know I have a fem name, or seen me dressed or seen a photo..... An she knows I still dress... So honestly, as long as she's happy and I still get to dress then we have a system.. May not be perfect, but if does avoid a some of the problems you just described..

And winning back the trust of decieving her for 30 years is still an ongoing process..

Each person has their own way of dealing with things!! Right or wrong..

Love Karren

[Sophia Rearen]

So how 'bout you? Is it only about the clothes, really? Do you pretend it's only about the dressing? Or, to those who aren't out to their spouses, are you, too, hiding not just the dressing, but an important part of who you are?


p.s. As far as an update is concerned... my wife presently does not wish to see me dressed, she asks some questions, and is struggling to come to terms with the whole deal. She's getting there, in a 2 steps up, 1 step back kinda way. God bless her, she is trying her best, as am I. While difficult, we are both committed to working through it, and to our marriage surviving and thriving.

Tammi,
Great question.
It can't, only be about the clothes. The dressing part is attached to or derrived from a deep emotional need. So, outwardly, we may convey an aura of it being about the clothes, yet, inwardly it is much more complex.

How are we expected to open the can of worms we have been concealing for so long? All those years of suppressing our inner most feelings are supposed to just freely flow through my painted lips? Not an easy thing to do, yet, I've done it. How are we supposed to share with our spouses or significant others our true selves, when we are not sure, who we really are? I thought I've figured out myself and then I go and surprise myself by having new feelings of liberation just this past Saturday night while out enfemme.

Join the crowd moving forward 2 steps and back 1. It's the ebb and flow that Marla GG, once wrote of. Although, I know your situation has its own unique challenges. I wish you, and all of us, the best as the CD tide rises and falls.

[Karen Donna]

My wife does not know of my CD. I shutter to think what would happen if she caught me in a dress or panties and a bra ! She would not be very understanding.I do hide my "Stash" in an unused closet.

[Eugenie]

When I told my wife after five years of marriage, it was all about the clothes.

It was only over the next few years that I came to understand that there's much more to it.

She's been there with me as I struggled to sort things out, and she's convinced that I will transition some day. But I feel no need to do so.

My experience in that domain is fairly similar to yours: I told my wife a few years after we were married. And then it was "all about clothes". Actually even more precisely it was all about women underwear... My wife took it rather well, while she was convinced it was just a sexual fantazy.

But when she "came to understand that there's much more to it" she didn't like the idea anymore.

So the second part of your story differs from mine. My wife tollerates my X-dressing but doesn't support it.

However just these past few days, I have done some house work, remaking the floor of our bedrooms(we sleep in separate bedrooms) and rebuilt a closet to hang my "femme" clothes". She was far more cooperative on this occasion than ever before... She didn't even make snappy remarks about my dresses or skirts... :D

I consider that I'm rather blessed to be in this situation. I don't have to hide my stuff from her, just be discrete about my X-Dressing so I don't make her feel bad.
:hugs:
Eugenie

[Annaliese]

Tammi you have made some good points on why to come cleen, my wife found out when I came home from a conference with make up still on. We talk for a long time an to this day I wish I had told her many years before.
You have given the girls here some good thing to think about. I understand why many do not come cleen, if my wife had not seen the make up I would still be hiding it from her, but I did not have this site back then either.
Thank you for a great thread.

Anna

[myMichelle]

My wife and I will have been married for seventeen years on Saturday. I told her about my crossdressing--or, more accurately, told her about as much as I could given my understanding of my femme self at the time--after we had known one another for only two weeks. Although it was probably the most difficult thing I had ever done up to that point, I figured that if things went badly, it wouldn't be too difficult for either of us to walk away from a two week relationship. Fortunately, my wife (then girlfriend) was fairly open to the whole having a crossdresser for a boyfriend thing. Of course, she was curious and she had a million questions, but we talked about things openly.

Over the course of the last 17 years together, I know that my lifestyle has definitely added an atypical "twist" to our marriage, but we've always managed to survive. Having said that, there have been many times when my wife has told me that I lied to her all those years ago. She says that I have changed--and I'm sure I have. I think we all do; I wasen't the same person twenty years ago that I am today. Neither was she.

All of this is to say that my wife and I have always somehow managed to work through our difficulties. And I can rest a lot easier knowing that I never lied to her. For me personally, honesty has always been a priority. I understand, however, that we are all different, unique individuals. We all have to do what works best for us individually.

Maybe reading this will give a little bit of inspiration to anyone in need. For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing, Tammi!

[MJ]

hi Tammi
all i can say is you have guts thats all.. my wife of 20 years was not overly happy. well she was mad.. i would be careful what you say. your wife may be getting information for her legal rep ... it's funny if my ex could have put up with my CD-ing we may still be together. but she could not forgive me for keeping it secrete for 20 years . she said she could have forgiven me for being with another woman!!!. but because i sometime become the other woman she could not. i hope you relationship is strong enough to get through this. remember she is in shock right now how she deals with it well thats what you have to worry about..and remember woman tend to talk out there problems so who do you think she is talking too... someone out there knows your little secret too and who is she going to tell.. and so it starts

f y i my ex found out on a Sunday night by Friday night she ask me to leave that night and Sunday at church i found out she told everybody there you should have seen the looks and smiles i was getting i did not find out until after service and i got out of there real fast and never been back so much for friends..so i can totally understand why a lot of you wont tell your SO

[SherriePall]

First -- My wife hasn't seen me. Every so often she says that maybe soon she would like to. But it never happens. And I don't push.
Second -- I think it is more than the clothes. I think the clothes are just a manifestation of some inner feelings. We are different creatures because of it. My wife understands that without the dressing (or the need to), I am not the same. We tried once for a short time (after I told her) to completely hold back on the femme and to accentuate the male. It was not a pretty sight.

[Jasmine Ellis]

I love wearing the clothes, love being Jasmine, but most of all love my wife to bits

[michelle-h]

When My wife first found out, it did not go very well, but we tried to sweep it under the rug and move on. Later when it became obvious that it was not going to go away we got some counciling, and once she had the truth and the whole truth, she was able to accept it. What hurt her the most was the deception. Now she is wonderfully supportive. I think she understands that it is not just about clothes, but that it is a need to be femme sometimes. She has seen me dressed and says I make a very pretty girl. I think sometimes that she is actually a little proud of how good I look. If we didn't have children, I am sure that she would be OK with me dressing more often than I do. She seems to enjoy our girl talk sometimes, and is perfectly open to any suggestions I may have on her makeup and clothing. Overall, I know that I am extremly lucky, and I wish every girl here could have the same support that I do.

Michelle-H

[Janice Ashton]

Go back to your first (original) thread and read my second post, I have a strong feeling I can see a few things coming your way, (maybe) as there seems to be a similar pattern that a lot of SO's follow when presented with this situation. Coming out is a great relief to 'us' SO's think a lot differently than the way we do. I hope it works out for you both.
Louise

[SatinSarah]

Tammi,

a great post and sets out all the dangers - yet at the same time the need to be as honest as possible as quickly as possible in a relationship. we are all different and our wives GGs are all emotionally different too so there is no one size fits all here.

I came out slowly to my wife after we were married. I started telling her I liked the feeling of her soft silky underwear against me - then one night wore one of her teddies (I had bought her) and told her how much fun it was - then slowly came out more nad more over the weeks. We grew with it togther until she was buying me clothes, we would shop together and I could go to bed most nights in a nightie. She even bought me breast forms and a wig. I thought we were sailing along and although I knew she was never 100% happy with her husband in her bra the compensation of having a loving, (very sensitive) husband who sometimes looked a bit strange was ok. Unfortunately I broke the rules by pushing and pushing for more. One weekend she traeted me to a weekend away in a nice hotel and dressed me up for the night. Instead of being grateful I wanted more onthe second night plus a day of girlie shopping. I was selfish and did this and got fully dressed as Sarah. I htink seing me as a Sarah for more than an hour scared her into thinking where will this stop? Will I keep pushing?
She freaked an refused to have anyhting to do with this for the last 2 years. Recently she allowed me a bra in bed and then a couple of times recently a nightie.

I went away for 2 weeks and we realised how much we love each other and she independently said she wanted to get back to where we were 2 years ago.

The lesson? Be as open and honest as you can both take. Set and agree some ground rules at each stage. Accept set backs. Rebuild and be patient. Talk about emotions and fears. Talk about desires. Communicate and compromise. Better a shared bra and pants than sneaking off and trying clothes on your own. The feeling of sharing dressing with my SO is 100% better than sitting alone in any outfit. I know it doesn't work for everybody but where there is some acceptnace keep working at it and don't get selfish. Its a long way back!

Love

Sarah

[Juju GG]

I found out about my husband liking female clothes a few years ago now, I can't remember exactly when. I think he was a little nervous over what I'd say but I just said OK without a second thought, I've always had an open mind.
Years later I still have no problems with it.

My views on it? I feel that cross dressing is a way of expressing yourself, it doesn't do any harm to anyone and thinking about it, us females wear jeans and trousers which is ok, so why not the same for males in tights/skirts/dresses?!!!!
I think that wigs aren't nice, theres nothing like natural hair, I don't wear make up as I like the natural look and so does my husband and I don't wish for my husband to change to the opposite sex.

[sophie69]

My gf knows about my dressing but does not want to be invloved. Real shame and a missed opportunity! I She lets me do it (or i tell her to have a night out with the girls!) and I stay in and have some real fun! She will have to learn to live with it though cos I wont be stopping for her!!! Soph

[tall_brianna]

We're still good friends and even now that we're not married I can't tell her!

I almost did Friday night. She came by to pick up mail and ended up joining me for a bottle of wine and Battlestar Galatica. After my 3rd glass I was so going to do it. I asked, "What if I told you I had a great secret that would be almost impossible for you to keep, but you had to swear to me that you'd keep it even from your family?" She said, "I think you should just keep it then." After a minute or so she started itching, made concessions, tried getting at it with questions.... I told her it was just a hypothetical situation.

I could totally tell her, but her family??? Heck no. We grew up in the same suberb and know a lot of the same people. All it would take is her sister's fat mouth to tell a few people.

I think I need to either just tell everyone or tell noone. I have never told anyone largely because I thought it was just all about the clothes (and the sexual stimulation derived there from :heehee:) and didn't see the need to make anyone feel awkward just because I had a fetish. I mean, do I need to know if my friend is into licking the bottom of feet? Do I want to? You guys will argue the SO's right and need to know, but I don't see it happening.

-brie

[sophie69]

brianna, I agree totally. my current gf and my ex wife are the only two who have ever seen me dressed (and now you girls on here! - lol). the problem is people just dont understand, but there is nothing odd about what we do, nothing wierd, its just fun and really sexy. i recon going out for a night out dressed though would be amazing!!!!

[MJ]

I found out about my husband liking female clothes a few years ago now, I can't remember exactly when. I think he was a little nervous over what I'd say but I just said OK without a second thought, I've always had an open mind.
Years later I still have no problems with it.

My views on it? I feel that cross dressing is a way of expressing yourself, it doesn't do any harm to anyone and thinking about it, us females wear jeans and trousers which is ok, so why not the same for males in tights/skirts/dresses?!!!!
I think that wigs aren't nice, theres nothing like natural hair, I don't wear make up as I like the natural look and so does my husband and I don't like or agree with surgery for cross dressers to change to the opposite sex

juju gg
and I don't like or agree with surgery for cross dressers to change to the opposite sex:
oh and please tell me why it better be real good ?. :mad:
f.y.i I get my letter for surgery tomorrow

[tall_brianna]

brianna, I agree totally. my current gf and my ex wife are the only two who have ever seen me dressed (and now you girls on here! - lol). the problem is people just dont understand, but there is nothing odd about what we do, nothing wierd, its just fun and really sexy. i recon going out for a night out dressed though would be amazing!!!!

Yeah I definitely see it now as something more than a fetish. It does fill certain needs and going out dressed up for the first time a few months ago (after the breakup with the ex) was absolutely amazing.

I didn't replie to your other thread, but you should definitely get out Sophie and have a good time.

[sophie69]

Brianna, I will, but I think it will be an organised thing with some CD/TS friends.... I have not acually got any real life ones yet, sob sob other than all you on here.... which is a fantastic start! I know it will be great, but I will need to make sure its right.... Soph

[sherell]

I told my wife before i got married. She lets me dress around the house.
Ime not allowed out and no one must no. She dosent like wigs any clothes is fine. She will buy clothes for me but she prefers not to see me dressed.
I consider myself fortunate to have found her Sherell

[Kristen Kelly]

Told my GF in July, the hardest thing for her to accept was me keeping it a secret, but it was not until October that I had accepted myself. A few posts when I told her and how it went over.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=34731

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=36222

I went back and relived my posts, have to say things have worked out better for me than I could have expected. Not only does she accept Kristen she activly parcipates going out dancing with the girls, shopping with and for me, and has forgiven me for keeping this a secret.

I am no expert but have read many posts of girls that have come out to there wives or SO's and if you would like to chat (I am a good ear) IM me at Yahoo KristenKelly77

[justtwosexy]

WEll I was fortunate in that when I realized that I wanted and enjoyed crossdressing I immediately brought my wife into the equation. She was not very receptive but being a type A personality I stuck with the course and she has accepted it. So for me there was no deception....it was a matter of this is who I am...accept it. I know I know....but that is who I am outside of michelle and that I think is why she loves the femme side of me because I am so much more understanding and in tune with her while dressed.

MIchelle

[Holly]

Tammi, thanks for the thread. In December, my wife and I will celebrate our 38th year of marriage. I did not tell my wife I was a crossdresser until just a few years ago. I struggled over and over again to suppress the urges... but whenever the opportunity presented itself, I took advantage of it. I'm pretty sure after about the third or fourth Halloween, she had her suspicions :D . I'm not trying to make an excuse as to why I didn't confide to her early on in our relationship... there isn't any. But I tried so hard during those 20+ years to convince myself that I wasn't a crossdresser, but just some nutcake with a weird fetish. It wasn't until fairly recently, that I finally came to the self realization of what and who I am. Once I was able to accept that, I know that I had no choice than to tell her. I'm happy to say that it went pretty well. Oh, she had her questions and her concerns, to be sure... most of the normal stuff; are you gay, do you want to do this full time, what will the neighbors say, etc. Over the next several weeks we had many discussions and we still do, to this day... and I hope we continue to do so forever! Like so many other SO's, her biggest hurt was that I didn't tell her sooner, that I hid this substantial part of myself from her. She's right; I did... partly out of fear, partly out of embarrassment, partly out of denial, partly out of confusion; not that these are good enough reasons. Or maybe it took that long for me to realize that our relationship was strong enough to withstand the revelation that I was not the perfect husband (naw, she probably figured that out a long time ago). Here's what I think it is... both of us have always accepted one another for who we are, not who we want the other to be. My wife has had a lot to accept, but then again so have I. Neither one of us are perfect, but there is nothing, NOTHING that I would ask my wife to change. If she did, then she wouldn't be the same person I married, but would be some figment of my imagination. Let me give you an example... last night we went out looking for matching panties (sorry Tamara) for our Halloween costumes. She was driving. Everywhere we went, when she parked her vehicle, it took her two, three, or more attempts to it in the marked space. Would it be nice if she was a better driver and could navigate into a parking space on the first try? Sure. Will I ever ask her to change? Never. First of all, this gives us both something to get a good chuckle over... we both giggle and giggle and giggle. If I tried to pressure her into changing, it would add stress to her life. And if she took it too far, and started devoted to excessive attention and energy to changing her driving skills, it's likely that the other things that so endear her to me would suffer. Nope, I'll take what I have, thank-you very much. And fortunately for me, she feels that same toward me. Crossdressing isn't the only "oddity" I indulge in, trust me. But I'm a package deal. I'm so blessed she likes the package. I can only hope that she feels the same way.

So, what does all this have to do with the thread? Only this... no matter what you are, if you and your partner accept one another for who you are and not for what you want the other to be, then outing yourself as a CD should be small potatoes. Maybe, just maybe, our SO's have such a hard time accepting us as crossdressers, because we have been way too busy trying to conform our SO's in to what we think we want. The morale of the story? Be careful what you wish for... you might just get it!

[Jenna1561]

I was married for 20 years before I told my wife on July 4th (Independence Day - in more ways than one) of this year. She knew something was up with me. But when I told her, she really didn't and still doesn't want to know or talk about it. Our relationship is pretty much the same before I yold her, but now, I'm not hiding anything.

Like many, the deceit of so many years was a big blow to her. But it's "Let's not talk about it." around my home.


Jenna

[JennaKnots]

I think I tried it with her within the first couple of months of our dating. It wasn't her cup of tea, but she seemd like a good sport. We tried it a few more times and she seemed to like it less. Now, 13 years later (almost 10 married). She's freaked by it. She's knows I do it on my own but she'd rather not know about it...We're so open with each other about everything else and I'd really rather not do this in such an isolated way...I keep talking to her about it and she's agreed to go with me to a therapist. I get hurt and angry because I was completly open about it from the beginning and long after the fact she's all messed up over it. I'm commited to working it out one way or the other though. Sounds like you are too. Good luck and keep us posted...

[vbcdgrl]

Yes, I was hiding a part of myself from my wife (now my X). She is now re-married and, just recently, I did confirm to her that I am a CD. She seems OK with it, but, of course, now she doesn't have to deal with it as my SO. It's kinda ironic, my X wife is the only one in the world who knows.

Vikki

[Roberta Lynn]

So how 'bout you? Is it only about the clothes, really? Do you pretend it's only about the dressing? Or, to those who aren't out to their spouses, are you, too, hiding not just the dressing, but an important part of who you are?

I know that may sound judgemental, though that certainly isn't my intention in writing this. I was in that sameboat for too long to presume to judge you. I simply want to challenge you to take a hard, honest look at yourself. Doing so has been quite helpful to me.



Hi Tammi

I've been curious how thing have been going with you and your wife since you original post. Thanks for the update.

Had I taken a hard, honest look at myself 5 months ago, I wouldn't of been too happy with what I saw. Fortunately about 4 months ago I found this forum, I read a lot of post did the "yeah that" thing a lot, was able to identify with some of the people here and just basically became more accepting and comfortable with myself.

My wife of 40 years has know about my CDing since before we were married. She has always been accepting and supporting but I'm sure she understood the why of it less than I did.

Now that I've 'found' myself we've talked more about CDing in the last 4 months than in the previous 40 years. She took me clothes shopping for the first time ever last month. She had a ball, I'm such a wimp I just stood around playing the bored husband role. :o

Anyway, to end this long winded answer to your question. She knows as much about my reasons for CDing as I do. Our marriage has never been better and our love for each other has never been stronger.

As you said, the key is trust. I hope when you regain your wife trust everything will work out the best for both of you.
:love: Roberta .............................. TLW

[ColleenCD]

Tammi

It seems this is one of those hard threads to deal with. It brings to light all those hidden worries. My wife of 26 years has knowledge of my dressing, has read the books, seen the shows, and allows me to dress in any form I want to as long as it is in our bedroom. I told her about me (at least what I could understand of myself at age 18) on our honeymoon.

But, she doesn't want to talk about it. It makes her agitated and angry. We wind up arguing over something trivial, which is really this deeper subject.
While I can wear what I want behind closed doors, I still don't feel comfortable dressing in front of her. I admit I have trust issues since childhood. Consequently, until she and I can speak openly about it, Colleen will remain in cyberhiding space with her friends here.

Colleen

[Joni Beauman]

Tammi,
Seems pretty common for cders to have kept this to themselves. Having a private passion and gender identification may be less about dishonesty than and expression of independence. For the lifers, we have compartmentalized this so long, it is a natural tendency. But it also seems virtually inevitible that as the femme side growns over time, the boundaries of the lives will intersect. We either get caught in drammatic style (happened to me), or divulge out of some sense of guilt or the hope that it could be something shared with the closest person in our lives. Obviously, fully realizing that goal is a rare thing. I think Helen Boyd considers this with good clarity in her book My Husband Betty. The risks of exposure are too high and, then, there is the thought it might go away once living with a partner. I do see very gradual progress in this life dance, but wonder if I will live long enough to see it through! Joni

[Joy Carter]

Wow trust, that is an issue with me. She hit me with not telling her about myself before we got serious. That she would have liked to have had the choice of having a CD for a husband. But she wasn't forth coming with her self either and she dropped a bomb on me two years into the marriage. I think she can be selective in her memorie at times. Me I was devastated to think she could say in so many words that she was sorry she married me. She has always told me I was the perfect husband but now I have doubts as to her honesty. I'm still hurting but trying to repair that hurt. I just can't keep Joy in that box any longer.

[Satrana]

Many congrats for finally finding the courage to open up and confessing your secret and I am glad your wife is open minded enough to learn about it and come to terms with it step by step.

I hope your message will encourage others to come out.




So how 'bout you? Is it only about the clothes, really? Do you pretend it's only about the dressing? Or, to those who aren't out to their spouses, are you, too, hiding not just the dressing, but an important part of who you are?


Careful now, don't group everybody together. Not all of us crossdress for transgendered reasons. For quite a lot of us, it really is just about the look and feel of the clothes and the desire to share in the same fashion fun as women. Yes there are emotions attached to clothing but for many the primary reason is the look itself, not because we feel we have some kind of feminine spirit or personality inside. When I crossdress, I am still me, there is no alter ego.

[Sheila]

hi Tammi
remember she is in shock right now how she deals with it well thats what you have to worry about..and remember woman tend to talk out there problems so who do you think she is talking too... someone out there knows your little secret too and who is she going to tell.. and so it starts

I do relise that you have said that "women tend to talk out their problems so who do you think she is talking to"
Perhaps if men were willing to talk to their partners more women wouldn't need to talk to others (just my:2c: worth).

I may be wrong here but you appear to be equating women talking with vindictiveness. I have now known for 3 months about my partners cding and have not spoken a word on the subject to another living soul in person (yes on forums), not that I haven't wanted to but out of love and respect for my partner.


it's funny if my ex could have put up with my CD-ing we may still be together. but she could not forgive me for keeping it secret for 20 years

and therein lies the reason so many of us have a hard time accepting -------- it's the lies, deceipt and lack of trust you have given us
it's funny if my ex could have put up with my CD-ing she may very well have not only put up with your cding but may also have been willing to participate if only !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Tammi
I know from my cdr and the various post the anguish many of you go through over revealing to your SO's about cding but now I know it is no longer something he needs to hide and do alone. After the initial shock hurt anger and betrayal phase, we walk this road together, yes somedays are harder than others.

There may well be times when he wants to do something further that I am not quite comfortable with and hopefully we are now at a place where we can talk and work something out together --- it may mean that he has to wait a day or two /a week/ or month or two for me to catch up, but equally there are going to be times that I am ahead of him on certain things, as has already be proved, and I have had to slow down till he has caught up.

One of the things that really helped me to get my head together was that "The women within him was there long before I met him, so she was/is part of the man I fell in love with" (we have only been together 2 1/2 years although he has been a cdr for over twenty as i said above I only found out 3 months ago) it still helps in the rocky moments ------ where I got that from I have no idea --- sometimes I even manage to surprise myself :D :D


p.s. As far as an update is concerned... my wife presently does not wish to see me dressed, she asks some questions, and is struggling to come to terms with the whole deal. She's getting there, in a 2 steps up, 1 step back kinda way. God bless her, she is trying her best, as am I. While difficult, we are both committed to working through it, and to our marriage surviving and thriving.

Am glad to hear that you are both working together, if ever she needs someone to chat with I think I can safely say that she would be welcome to email or Pm any of the gg's on this site. If she isn't a member here you are more than welcome to give her my email address

Jess(so)

[Brenda_fish]

I'm a late bloomer - never had any conscious thought of CDing until a couple of years ago. First I played with the wife's makeup a bit but her clothes don't fit me. I tried to suppress it for a while but the feelings became really strong. In part out of honesty and in part because I knew it would be really difficult to pull off without her knowing, I told her about a year ago. She's ok with it. She wants to be with the male side but "allows" me to dress in private, and even in the bedroom sometimes. She says she knows it is important for me to be who I am - within limits. No internet pictures, no going out dressed locally, no buying makeup or fem clothing locally. On bad days she kicks Brenda instead of the dog. But overall she has been very tolerant and even plays along - suggesting things to wear, buying me things I ask for, etc. She even thinks it's fun sometimes. Bottom line, I am extremely glad I told her. It really worked out well for all of us.

Love,
Benda

[uknowhoo]

Sorry, this is the first chance I've had to respond...

Thank you, all of you, for your your thoughts and feedback. Sharing like this gives us all alot to think about.

Karren and Jenna (1561), you both have arrived at a don't ask don't tell kinda thingy. While not ideal, I think most who are still not out would love to reach this point of having come clean and not having to hide, even if the CDing (even if it's an important part of who you are) is not really "supported" otherwise.

As Anna L and Roberta mentioned, the only reason I'm now out to my wife is this wonderful community. Before arriving here a year and a half ago, I was all alone in this, and just thought I was a freak and a pervert. It's only natural that we can only hope to be accepted by our partners once we have come to accept ourselves, at least to a certain extent.

Satin Sarah, I think you made an excellent point about the pushing it too far thingy. I have heard soo many GG's here cite that as their biggest problem with accepting their partners' day to day CDing. I will try to keep my self in check, and refrain from going too far.

Satrana, I tried to pose the question without assuming it isn't just about the clothes, sorry if you took it differently. Not to suggest it's the case with you (or anyone else) for whom it is only about the clothes, but as we've seen in responses, for many of us, it was just about the clothes and has since evolved into much more. As an interesting FYI, I did tell my wife about my affinity for women's lingere and clothing (and wearing them) way back when, on two occasions actually. Back then, I understood it to be only about the clothes. That was then.

Lastly, I want to thank you Holly for your fantastic post. Your comment that "if you and your partner accept one another for who you are and not for what you want the other to be, then outing yourself as a CD should be small potatoes" hit me like a ton of bricks. My greatest weakness in my marriage is my tendency to be judgmental, to become irritated at things like inefficient parking skills!:Angry3: . I'm so grateful for you affording me (what should have been such obvious) perspective... the old take the beam out of your eye first, eh. :o

I wish I could respond to each of you who were kind enough to contribute to make this such a wonderful thread. I will PM a few more of you. In any case, I'm so grateful for my family here, and I knew I could count on you for kindness and support.

Love,

Tammi

[MJ]

hi jess

I may be wrong here but you appear to be equating women talking with vindictiveness. I have now known for 3 months about my partners cding and have not spoken a word on the subject to another living soul in person (yes on forums), not that I haven't wanted to but out of love and respect for my partner

well i have to say sorry i did not mean my vindictiveness forgive me.. :love:
jess it was out of fear i mean real big fear that i kept my little hobby. a secret how Manny of us here have the same issues fear that is . you know if i could have my time back .. i sure could have use your advice 20 years ago.. again sorry I won't get bitchy again .. hugs

[Sheila]

Marissa,

sorry i didn't mean that you were being vindictive just that it appeared that you thought some of us were ------- croosed wires or maybe I just wasn't reading it clearly ----- there is nothing to forgive and I really understand why peeps kep it secret -------- heck that s what I am doing now:D and yes for the same reasons others do ------- to protect and because societies views are sometimes warped, heck all we can do is try to change society however we can.

:hugs: Jess

[ubokvt]

I was in a previos long term relationship. I married my high school sweet heart after a long relationship 5 years. We were children of the 50's and well indoctrinated in the roles and expectations of husband and wife. Men acted this way women acted this way. At the begin of our relationship my ex sais there was this sweet gentle person inside me and she really wanted "HIM" to come out. This was a constant thread through out the relationship till it died after 25 years. Yes there was a sweet gentle person inside and based a severl early experiences knew it was immediated death if "SHE" came out. My Ex wanted her expectation of a man anything else was unacceptable and would have been met with rafe a violence the gentle person could face that a stayed hidden. My dressing has and will continue to be a expression of that sweet gentle person. I'm very lucky I have a sweetle gentle SO who loves and welcomes sara into our relationship. I trully hope for your sake you and you so find a way to get there too.

[MJ]

I'm a late bloomer - never had any conscious thought of CDing until a couple of years ago. First I played with the wife's makeup a bit but her clothes don't fit me. I tried to suppress it for a while but the feelings became really strong. In part out of honesty and in part because I knew it would be really difficult to pull off without her knowing, I told her about a year ago. She's ok with it. She wants to be with the male side but "allows" me to dress in private, and even in the bedroom sometimes. She says she knows it is important for me to be who I am - within limits. No internet pictures, no going out dressed locally, no buying makeup or fem clothing locally. On bad days she kicks Brenda instead of the dog. But overall she has been very tolerant and even plays along - suggesting things to wear, buying me things I ask for, etc. She even thinks it's fun sometimes. Bottom line, I am extremely glad I told her. It really worked out well for all of us.

Love,
Benda

hi brenda so at what age did you start !!!. if you don't mind me asking

[janelle]

Tammi i am glad for you & keep praying all will be fine.
I have told my wife my wishes of dressing full time & taking hormones,but she wants no part of Janelle yet she does not hold me back as she sees how much happier i am. I know her hang up is the bible quotes, & she feels if she helps me she is sinning too, i understand her & i am fine with that.
Again dear congrates on easing your bottled up tension & getting the kind you can at least talk over with those involved. Good luck & write me anytime.
:hugs: :love: Janelle

[Juju GG]

juju gg
and I don't like or agree with surgery for cross dressers to change to the opposite sex:
oh and please tell me why it better be real good ?. :mad:
f.y.i I get my letter for surgery tomorrow


Oops! I'm really sorry if I upset you ( and anyone else) by the above. I didn't mean every crossdresser just my husband. I don't wish for him to have surgery and neither does he.
It was also late at night and I wasn't thinking!!!!
Very sorry
:hiding:

[MJ]

hi juju
thats ok i get myself in trouble like that no problem

btw i did not get my letter :sad: . try again in april/may oh well...

[ShannonDragon]

I told my, then future, wife about 4-6 weeks into dating. We went together for 5 years, (she had a deal with her parents to graduate from school first).

We will be married for 27 years this Saturday. She see me dressed all of the time and it does not bother her. She also buys me stuff for the holidays, birthdays or whenever she sees something she thinks I will like.

I consider myself to be very fortunate and talking with others in our local support group, she seems to be one of those very rare persons.

On another note, someone said something about not thinking surgery was right for a crossdresser. I would have to agree since I think by definition a crossdresser just wears the clothes. Surgery would lean more to the TS or TG side. (IMHO)

:tongueout

[Juju GG]

sorry to hear about the letter, hope you get it next time.....

[Donna tv]

I wish I had a lot more time to post here, but when I read your thread I had to make time. Great question! I am married almost 30 years , I came out to my wife within the 1st year, knowing how we are all, that I would never be able to put this in a closet and sneek around it. The question, "is it all about the clothes?" back then I would probably say yes. But think back when you 1st tried something feminine on, well for me this is how it went. It was a total rush probably to young to understand why but it felt soo right. This feeling would grow and the excitment had to be fed more, from slipping on my Mom's heels,then adding nylons, lingerie etc. each time that sexual fever of being more excited with each and every item I wore. So up to the time of coming out and by the way she is supportive with limitations and explaining to her that yes and I believed it too, that it was all about the clothes. In my case as I grew older I totally believe it is more than just the clothes. Now in my early 50's I am still looking for my next phase of fulfillment. Years back I did the Halloween parties for several years and that was awesome. I think now I am leading back to the times of stepping out for a drive or something. Like many others here do. I also believe that there is even beyond than that , that I will need to feed my passion for being feminine. I could go on for ever but have to run , Thank you for the great thread
Donna Tv

[lahr]

Thanks All for the honesty. Yup. My wife knows. It all started off with nylons and she enjoyed the (kinky sex) Next came the heels and panties ect. Shes ok with this most of the time but we still have our moments and breast forms, make up, and espessialy wigs are not part of her world. I respect her limits! ...lahr.

[DonnaT]

Shortly (a couple of months) after my wife and I married, she commented on how my hairy legs made her itch. I challenged her to shave them, and she did.

This led to wearing her hose, then a dress, a wig she had and makeup. She commented that we'd have a pretty daughter someday. Best compliment she ever gave me.

We played with it, had fun. She invited one of her friends in to see me while I was napping, so didn't seem too embarrassed about me being seen, but still wouldn't take me anywhere.

Somewhere along the way, she did a 180. And years later she was OK again. Etc. etc.

We've been out together, but she won't go with me anymore.

I can wear a skirt around the house, no problem, but she has problems when it comes to seeing me in the wig or with makeup on, which I don't do at home.

I can be hard to understand, all the flip-flopping, but some SO's, no matter how much they know it means to you and want you to be happy, can't be fully acceptable.

Been on the rollercoaster 31 years, and not prepared to get off yet!

Best wishes for you Tammi.