Stepson taking my uw...how can we help him?

[justamom]

Hello,

This is my first post here. I apologize in advance for my ignorance and the length of this post. I am writing for advice for helping my stepson. He is 10 years old and has been “stealing” and wearing my underwear since he was 6. This started within a few weeks of meeting me so basically the entire time we’ve known each other. Before DH and I were together, DH and SS lived together full-time. My stepson’s birth mom moved out of state when he was 4.

The first few times we “caught” him, our reactions was less than ideal. The first time we laughed because we were honestly so shocked to find a 6 yo wearing several bras under his shirt. Another time, my mother yelled at him BAD when she found him in the closet putting on her bra and underwear (we were living with her at the time). My MIL suggested we spank him.

We thought he was just curious? Or maybe it had something to do with the separation from his mother and then moving in with me? Is it just a comfort thing? We really don’t know what to think.

We went to see a family therapist, she suggested buying him some of his own girl’s underwear. We asked him if he’d like that and he didn’t want to talk about it. He gets really tight lipped and will not talk at all. He would promise to never take my things again without permission. Then I would notice I was really low on underwear so we would go into his headboard and find a huge stash of my dirty underwear. He must take it from the bathroom hamper. I honestly think he cannot control himself.

Well, this has gone on for 4 years now. I honestly thought he had grown out of it. Well, he didn’t…he just took less and hid the items better. The only reason I noticed things missing this time is because I recently had a baby and I only have a few nursing bras. I was down to 1 bra and DH was not too happy when I told him I needed to buy more. So I searched stepsons room high and low. I finally found a small stash of my bras.

So last night we sat him down for a chat. We explained again how it hurts my feelings when he takes my things. We asked him again if he wanted his own bra and panties. He was so uncomfortable. He honestly looked terrified and ashamed. He would not tell us what he does with the uw. He claims he does not wear them, although we don’t really believe that based on our past experiences. DH explained that people do things in private and it is really no body else’s business unless you are hurting someone. So finally stepson said he would like a bra and panties. He is going to let us know if he wants to go with us to pick it out or wants us to buy some items for him. We promised not to discuss it with anyone except my mom because she already knows. Stepson looked so relieved when he realized he wasn't in trouble and we are willing to try to help him.

If you have made it this far, thank you…you are a saint.

So here are my questions…my mother claims crossdressing is a sexual thing. Since stepson is so young, she doubts this is a sexual thing. We don’t know if he is really crossdressing or what he is doing, or why. He will not talk about it at all. He may not even know or understand himself what is going on. My mother feels we are going to push him into being a crossdresser or even becoming transgender (?) by buying him bras and panties. We also live in a very conservative state so we all worry if others found out, he would be tormented.

Whatever he is or is going to be, we want him to feel loved, be happy and know we accept him. We don’t want to do anything to damage his self-worth. So what do you think? Are we jumping the gun on buying him the bras and panties?

I really don’t want him wearing my under garments because 1) I need them, 2) it sort of makes me feel violated, and 3) they are dirty and that seems yucky to me. So we need to find some solution so he does not need to take my items.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and share your insights. I apologize again for my ignorance, I hope I have not offended anyone. I know very little about this subject, I am trying to learn more so I can help and support my little stepson.

[Melissa73]

I am not much for giving advice, but based on my experience, as a crossdresser and being caught many times, maybe your stepson is a bit scared to talk to you about his dressing. I know, when my mother talked to me about my dressing, i was embarrasssed and scared. And i didnt want to talk about it. I was even asked if i wanted to go to school in girl's things (i said no, but secretly, it would have been nice.)

Its not an easy subject to face, either as a child or an adult. I have heard much advice, that a parent should just go out and buy some "things" and lay them out for him.

Heck, even today, i can't tell you why i dress, except that it is relaxing and comfortable. So, if i were you, i'd buy him the items, and just be there for him, for when he is ready. Besides, there is alot more worse things he could be doing

hope this helps

Michelle

[GG Vanya]

I would first get your step son an appointment with a counselor who specializes in the field of gender identity disorders. (I hate the word disorder, btw)

He is at a very impressionable age and his refusal to talk with you and his Dad worries me. He needs an outlet for his feelings and a professional can help him to understand that crossdressing isn't ugly, sinful, or perverted, and that he definitely is not alone in this.

I commend you and your husband on your efforts to date. I'm sure many adult CDs wish they had understanding parents at your son's age.

I am not a CD, just married to and totally infatuated with one.:love: I'm sure you'll gets many responses from CDs with wonderful advice.

[tammie]

Hi Everyone: I think the advise U got to get him his own lingerie is the best solution. He is a crossdresser, so U don't need to worry about making him one. He will keep taking yours so when U get him his own it should stop.

Also it is sexual, there is nothing wrong with that, some boys start masterbating at an early age. The genesis and etiology of a lingerie fetish is not clear at this time.

U need to get him a size that fits him, there is the challenge. Also it should be feminine looking with lace perhaps pink or beige no white. Don't try to get something plain or androgenous looking as that defeats the purpose. Then forget it and tell him its OK to wear in the house but not at school. He will be greatly relieved that U still love him.

That is what my mother did for me when I was 14, on her friends advise after being asked what she could do to help me. It kept me out of my mothers lingerie drawer and it kept me from possibly stealing lingerie and getting into trouble with the law IE a record of a sex offense.

Good luck to U and your stepson.

[Sweet Jane]

Your stepson will be feeling very embarrassed, and I admire your open mindedness in offering him his own underwear. I suppose speaking from my childhood, you could well be describing me...I sneaked my mums underwear from a bag of lingerie she had stored in a cupboard. Mum did catch me, but she didn't offer me my own, so I was forced to sneak around again, and use my sisters and Mums whenever I could.

When I was very young and wearing girls underwear, it wasn't sexual...it's a compulsion...it's hard to describe, but commonsense just went out the window...it still does.

As a child I was very confused as to my gender identity. A late developer, I had hairless armpits like the girls and little pubic hair until I was about 16ish, and at that time I wished more than anything to be a girl. I never had any bi or homosexual tendancies, so that just confused me even more. At this time in my life, crossdressing was a sexual thing, and I don't know how it developed into that. These days it is totally non sexual....I feel sexy when I'm dressed, but I don't feel like having sex (alone or with anyone!!). I just feel the "need" to wear womens clothes, and I still can't explain that. It's the same need that I have had all my life.

I suppose what I'm saying is that by giving him underwear will not harm him. He will access underwear anyway, and at least he may be spared the "guilt trip" that I have suffered or 40 years. I can't tell you why he dresses or if he will want gender reassinment later, but I do want to say that anything you do won't alter what happens. I applaud you for being so openminded, and supportive....theres a lifetime ahead and I hope you will just enjoy each others company..whatever.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Hi Justamom,

First, let me say I truly appreciate that you're trying to find out more. And please don't feel bad about not knowing much about the issue -- most people don't. So ask away, that's what we're here for.

There's some good general information for parents here (http://www.firelily.com/gender/gianna/dilemma.html), and you might want to consider getting Arlene Istar Lev's excellent "Transgender Emergence." (http://www.amazon.com/Transgender-Emergence-Therapeutic-Guidelines-Gender-Variant/dp/078902117X/sr=8-1/qid=1161929410/ref=sr_1_1/104-4838195-0738321?ie=UTF8&s=books) Even though it's written by a therapist for fellow therapists, it's quite readable, and includes a chapter on transgender children and another on the families of transgendered people -- both of which I think you'd find useful.

Anyway to the matter at hand, borrowing/stealing clothes from family members is pretty common behavior for young trans people -- including myself. It's not something I'm proud of, but at that age, trying to acquire a feminine wardrobe needless to say is difficult, so we end up resorting to it. (For what it's worth, at that age, I don't think we often realize how violating it can feel for the other person. After all, kids aren't great at seeing the big picture.)

I don't know where your son falls on the transgender spectrum, and I wouldn't want to speculate. But if he started at age 6, I agree it started at a presexual stage. (Crossdressing during the teen years can often be sexual -- but given my hormones at the age, pretty much anything having to do with girls was.)

There's really two issues here. The first is his taking your clothes. The second is his crossdressing and possible transgenderism of some sort or another.

Personally, I'd recommend buying him his own bra and panties -- since he started so early and persisted in that behavior even after being caught previously, I don't think you're really encouraging him. No one really know what the causes of transgenderism (including crossdressing) are -- but from what I've seen it's typically a very deep-root feeling/behavior and if he's truly transgendered in some fashion, the die has already been cast.

If nothing else, buying him some things removes any excuse he has for taking your things, and you can frame your decision in those terms. I think your DH handled it well in letting him know that there's things he might do in private that are OK as long as he's not hurting anyone. So again, you can let him know that taking your things is hurting you, so it's not OK.

As far as his not wanting to talk about it. There's a couple possibilities, none of which are mutually exclusive.

First off, at that age, he probably doesn't fully understand what he's feeling. There are some transsexuals who clearly feel they were "born in the wrong body" from a very early age, but they also commonly exhibit gender varient behavior quite early on. For most of us, we know that we've got feelings that are "not gender normal" -- but we don't know exactly what we are.

Second, because of that awareness, we know we're engaging in a stigmatized behavior, so we were often loathe to admit it to anyone. So we're typically very good at appearing to be "normal little boys" on the outside. So he may be very reluctant to talk about it, particularly to you, his parents.

Third, with puberty, there can be an additional aspect of embarassment, precisely because the sexual aspect can get interwined -- again it's something a boy probably is struggling to understand himself.

Anyway, it may be a case of letting him know that when he's ready to talk about it, you're ready to listen, and that you'll accept for who he is. It's probably also helpful to have him talk with a therapist who's knowledgible about transgender issues. Again, I'd try to avoid doing this in a way that suggest he needs to be "fixed" as much as presenting it to him that you know it may be hard for him to talk to you about it, so you'd like to provide him with a third-party he can talk to and help him sort out any questions he might have.

Good luck to you and your son.

[suzanne]

Your ability to deal with this issue in a matter of fact way is vital to your son's well being, and most commendable. I can't help but think that for many of us, the taboo-ness of boys displaying feminine qualities greatly complicated matters and left us with aftershocks that last our whole lives. For me, this taboo reinforced a cycle of fascination/revulsion of my feminine side that I could not escape until recently. Girls who are "Tomboys", on the other hand, have enjoyed more societal acceptance and are thus more free to integrate into their personae a mixture of gender traits that makes sense to them.

With your wise assistance, your son stands a good chance of developing into a healthy adult. He may or may not leave behind his taste for female clothing as a childhood "phase", but he'll be better able to put these issues into a healthy perspective.

You have here the support of a whole community who love and respect your efforts and want to know how your family progresses through this issue. Best of luck!

[Katelyn]

Here's my :2c: :
First of all, he is really lucky to have such supporting parents. One of the greatest fears is having your parents think you're gay or a sissy and call you derogatory names. This leads young teenagers into depression and even attemping suicide. If you ask him if he wants his own stuff, he's going to deny it. He will be too embarrassed and ashamed. Just get it for him and let him "find" in his room where his other underwear are. Don't talk about it. He now knows that you two will be accepting of him and will talk to you when he feels the time is right. Don't treat him differently form before. Continue doing things that you would normally would for a 10 year old boy like baseball, fishing, etc. Don't start to treat him like a girl. Most importantly, Don't joke with him about the fact that he likes wearing girls undergarmets. This will scar him for life. He will remember.
Now, if you feel that he is acting like a girl and shows signs, then consider getting him counciling for this gender Identity issue. You can find more info here: http://www.tsroadmap.com/early/earlyindex.html

Hopefully this helps.

[Holly]

Hi Justamom,

I can't improve on the advice you've already been given so I'd like to take a second to give you some encouragement. You are doing the right thing! Your stepson has already clearly demonstrated that he IS a crossdresser. The fact the you buy him some lingerie will not be the cause of his activity. Please don't let the MIL lay that guilt trip on you!

Continue to educate yourself. It may seem overwhelming to you now, as this is all new to you. Some things may not make much sense... don't let that deter you. I've been involved with CDing for nearly 50 years and some of it still doesn't make sense to me! Armed with the things that you will learn, you will be in a much better position to help your stepson to discover who he is.

Assure him that he is loved not for what he does (crossdress) but for who he is (your child, and in your case it is by your choice). Let him know that the topic is always available to discuss and that you will not judge him for it. As one of the other girls mentioned, CDing is not wrong, but some of the other activities he has been pursuing are (stealing, lying, etc.).

Also know that you and your DH are loved by this community as well and your sensitivity to the struggle going on within this young man is both recognized and appreciated. We'll help in any way that we possibly can... just ask. :hugs:

[Angela Burke]

If he likes female underwear, a shopping trip perhaps?
It's nicer to have your own panties.

[sandra-leigh]

This is my first post here. I apologize in advance for my ignorance and the length of this post.

Your post came across as thoughtful and well organized to me. The feelings you have expressed are normal and justified, and your treatment of the situation appears to be overall commendary.


I am writing for advice for helping my stepson. He is 10 years old and has been ?stealing? and wearing my underwear since he was 6.


We thought he was just curious? Or maybe it had something to do with the separation from his mother and then moving in with me? Is it just a comfort thing? We really don?t know what to think.

Unfortunately, the best we will be able to offer on the "Why?" question is, "what it was like for us". And honestly, the majority of crossdressers don't really know why they crossdress. Some of the people (especially those who started quite young) can speak of their 'trigger', their first experiences, but few can explain "Why?". The most common answer from those who have accepted their crossdressing is "I don't really know, but it feels right; 'why' isn't important to me anymore." There are some who go on to transgender, with medical treatement to alter their genders: it happens, and it is very very important to the people it happens to, but the best guesstimates I have seen are that the rate is only somewhere between 1% and 10% of cross-dressers.


We went to see a family therapist, she suggested buying him some of his own girl?s underwear.

If you can live with that (and it sounds as if you can), then I think it's really worth trying.


We asked him if he?d like that and he didn?t want to talk about it. He gets really tight lipped and will not talk at all. He would promise to never take my things again without permission. Then I would notice I was really low on underwear so we would go into his headboard and find a huge stash of my dirty underwear. He must take it from the bathroom hamper. I honestly think he cannot control himself.

Based upon what you say, I think you could be right that, at this point in his life, he is not able to control it. His behaviour might or might not be permanent, and he might or might not grow into control of it.

If he had started at 10, then my first suspicion would be that he has discovered sexual response and is mortified by the demands of his hormones; you mentioned a conservative area, so if he were getting a good dose of "sex is sinful" from the community, it could be really hard to talk about.
But you said he started at 6. Of course his reasons might have changed between then and now.

I hate to give "maybe it's" with such a wide-open situation, but can't seem to resist offering some plausibilities:
a) some kind of coping mechanism for the situation. e.g., if he were taking them and crying over them or using them as a "teddy bear" in emotional connection with his mother
b) he might happen to be one of the relatively few people who become deeply certain at a very young age that they "should have been" the other gender. Considering the community you live in, what do you imagine the reaction would be to him suddenly starting to go to school or around the community in female clothing? Apparently, gender "appropriate behaviour" cues are picked up at amazingly young ages (even as early as 8 months old), and children internalize "how they are supposed to behave" quite young; to really feel that one is the wrong gender can apparently be a deep source of shame and conflict, all the more so in conservative communities
c) he might just have found that, for reasons he can't explain, that it makes him happy: there's a lot of us in this class, some with better impulse control than others
d) it is not out of the question that it is some kind of odd revenge against you for "stealing" the place of his mother
e) none of the above!


So finally stepson said he would like a bra and panties. He is going to let us know if he wants to go with us to pick it out or wants us to buy some items for him. We promised not to discuss it with anyone except my mom because she already knows. Stepson looked so relieved when he realized he wasn't in trouble and we are willing to try to help him.

If I might make a small suggestion? Add a pair of tights. If he's wearing bras and not just panties, then at the very least he will be curious about nylons, what it is like to wear them. Nylons can be somewhat fragile, though, especially to those unaccustomed to them, but tights are esentially the same but more enduring. I'd suggest that at least one of the pairs should be in a colour that is sock-like, so that if someone happens to catch a glimpse of them on his feet, that they won't be obvious.


I'm wavering about whether it is best for you to just go ahead and buy the items, or wait to go with him. He'd probably be mortified to be seen in a store looking at such things -- but there are online cataloges, and there are sales advertisements that he could look through. Perhaps a good compromise would to ask him "What colour would you prefer?" and "Would you like fancy or plain?"; he might even be willing to answer the question, "Which of mine were your favourite?"


my mother claims crossdressing is a sexual thing.

To the truly transgendered, who often just know very young that they are the wrong gender, the one thing it does not seem to be about is sex.

With crossdressers, most of whom do not go on to change genders, it is a common (but by no means exclusive) pattern, to start (especially with panties) as a pure sexual thing (much akin to a young teenager looking at a "dirty magazine"), but that over time the person discovers substantial non-erotic pleasure in wearing the clothes, and the sexual component becomes less and less important (but the thrill might not ever completely vanish).


He may not even know or understand himself what is going on.

In that respect, he'd fit right in here, in that not many of us are too sure either. Possibly the single biggest transition for a great many of us is to take the step of saying, "This is part of who I am, something that is normal for me, and I'm going to accept that and live with it."


So what do you think? Are we jumping the gun on buying him the bras and panties?

I don't think you are. It could help a lot. If he needs the form of the garments for any of a number of reasons, then he'd have his own that he wouldn't have to feel guilty over, and you would have established a clear division between the forms of the items and your feelings about him taking your items.

If your stepson is transgendered or a crossdresser, then there is no known "cure", and the urge to dress very often gets noticably stronger with age. In such a case, probably the best thing in the long run is to learn self-acceptance young. From what other people have said, it appears to me that trying to go through one's teenage years in denial of one's desire to crossdress, can be real torment that can warp thinking and attitudes for years -- and can end up being harmful to other people, if the crossdresser "overcompensates" with macho and displayed homophobia.

The teenage years are a big enough identity crisis for anyone. I think that one of the biggest lessons for any young person is to know that if they are open and treat other people with respect, that their parents will still love them even if they don't always understand them. Learning that lesson now, at 10, can potentially save a lot of teenage trouble. You are setting boundaries upon acceptable behaviour to other people, and yet being flexible and negotiating his freedoms within those boundaries -- it's a good kind of lesson, I'd say.


The one opposite note I have, though, is that somehow you are going to have to deal with the issue of having searched his room without his permission. The sense of personal space and meaningful control over that space can be very important to a young person. But parents have responsibilities, and what is "right" to do can be very hard to determine, and it can depend greatly on the personalities of everyone involved. (Don't answer this question here, but "What are you going to do on the issue of searching his room for drugs in his teenage years?... considering you already have a precedent of searching his room "on suspicion" ?)


Two related last things: if he does thank you for the undergarments, then consider following up a little later with a present of an inexpensive skirt (knee-length perhaps); one that is a colour that suits him and is not "girly" -- but be prepared by that point to talk to him about the extent to which he is welcome to wear it around the house, and be prepared to deal with issues of privacy (e.g., knocking on his door and asking if you can come in and giving him time to change out of it if he wants to, but not making him feel like he's been "caught" wearing it.)
(I'm several times his age, and I am not comfortable with "girly"; start him with simple but not ugly, until such time as he might express an interest himself in styles that are more definitively female.)

[fiona_libby]

Hi justamom

I would have to say that you seem to be more than just a mom you come across as being thoughtful and respectful of what your stepson is going through.

I think you should keep the communication going between all the members of your family, but there should be some action towards stopping the taking of your underwear which would be helped by having your stepson have his own underwear and I would offer to do some shopping and leave the choice up to him if he wishes to go with you or if he wishes you to pick out things for him.

I would allow time to pass and allow you to get some professional advice there is no need to rush into any decision.

hugs :hugs:

Fiona

[Khriss]

an open mind, careing deeply about one You love and care about too...
limits are fine.. if He feels inclined to dress ,tell Him there are other ways to express or fullfill such desires..as in "Mail Order" !! the least painfull ..semi-personal -way to fullfill both anxieties eh ?? xx"K"

[sandra-leigh]

Also it should be feminine looking with lace perhaps pink or beige no white. Don't try to get something plain or androgenous looking as that defeats the purpose.

I don't think I agree on that. It might be good if he is transgendered, but it can be wrong if he is just crossdressing.

I own non-trivial numbers of bras and panties. One or two of my bras have very small bows; one of them has some lace. The rest are nearly unornamented -- which is not the same as plain or ugly looking. I think a total of three of my pairs of panties are open-weave (see-through) and vaguely lacy: the rest of my collection of thongs and bikinis and briefs are mostly white or black, with a handful of other solid colours mixed in. Lacy and "feminine looking" just isn't where my head is at. It's hard to explain: I've worn mini-skirt length denim skirts in public, and I really enjoy my long velvet dresses, but I wouldn't touch anything "cutesy". I may enjoy dressing as a female, but I don't like being a "girl".

I say start with something that is styled acceptably without the style itself being too female (e.g., definitely not Sailor Moon panties!), and let the sense of acceptable ornamentation develop over time.


Then forget it and tell him its OK to wear in the house but not at school.

I don't know what you are trying to say about forgetting "it".

I also wouldn't just say that it is OK to wear the items in the house but not at school. Instead, I would say that if the stepson has a consistant desire to crossdress, that he be told, "These things are yours, and except for special events, it is your decision about how often or where you wear them; but not everyone will understand or approve, so if you think you would like to wear them outside of the house, we should talk about the precautions you need to prevent people from finding out accidently."
Problems like gym period, or what to do at the urinal, or what can be done to avoid bra-strap bulges or show-through.
If he wants to wear a soft-cup bra under a dark shirt (etc.) while he runs over to the store to pick up some milk, then that shouldn't be considered important -- at most worth a "until you are accustomed to what works and what doesn't, let me briefly check for visibility before you go out in them."

[Little Girl Mia]

I would first get your step son an appointment with a counselor who specializes in the field of gender identity disorders. (I hate the word disorder, btw)

He is at a very impressionable age and his refusal to talk with you and his Dad worries me. He needs an outlet for his feelings and a professional can help him to understand that crossdressing isn't ugly, sinful, or perverted, and that he definitely is not alone in this.

Vanya has an extremely good point here, my only addition is that it really should be a Gender Identity counselor, if one isn't available then I suggest NOT trying to find someone who "might" help or be "close" to what you need. You may end up with someone who, tries to tell your son that he is sick and "cure" him. Such things could confuse him or make him feel more guilty.

So I would say the suggested Gender Identity counselor or none at all. Though you may be able to find one outside of your area who is willing to give advice, even though it's not feasible to actually visit in person.


That aside, I applaud you for having an open mind and attempting to help your child. Making him feel loved and cared for will help him through out his life and I'm sure in his adulthood he will thank you. Most parents would think they have to cure him or just punish him and make it go away, which in the long run will only cause him more problems. I think the fact that you are looking to help and willing to support him and ask for assistance makes you an exemplary parent, the world needs more of you.

[Little Girl Mia]

I apologize for double posting here but thought this post would detract from my previous.

I see many people discussing what to get him, whats appropriate and so forth. I think the best idea is let him pick it out on his own. Give him a JC Pennys catalog or something like that, and let him go through it on his own by him self and circle things he likes. Then you can either order them, or go to a local store and get similar items. This allows him to feel unpressured and less embaressed, plus neither of you needs to worry about conservative views of your local area.

[Adele 2005]

Hello 'Justamom',

It really moved me to read:

"Whatever he is or is going to be, we want him to feel loved, be happy and know we accept him. We don’t want to do anything to damage his self-worth."

You sound like wonderful parents, you're handling the situation brilliantly, and you're doing absolutely the right thing.

No matter where this journey leads or how uncomfortable it may get at times, please keep the dialogue with him going. As parents this means you may need to take the lead when your step-son clams-up. This may be difficult but returning to ignoring the matter may be interpreted by him as disapproval. Try not to discuss his feelings and behaviour as a 'problem', but maintain a positive outlook and give him a smile and a hug when you talk so he knows it's a good thing. This will help him understand that you're ok with him and that you both love and accept him for who he is, and it will eventually give him more confidence to talk openly. The talk about stealing your clothes is out of the way, so any future discussion can now be constructive. You may want to ask him why he's doing this, but at this stage he probably doesn't understand it properly himself and it may put him under pressure that he cannot cope with to explain. This will probably become clearer in the long-run, so be patient. There will be tears on the way, but there will be lots more smiles and the conclusion will be a future many times more happy for you all than a child who grows-up having learnt to repress and hide the way he feels.

In the UK there's a support organisation for parents called Mermaids, I'm sure there are similar networks in the USA you can search out.

Please be confident that you're doing a great job.

Best wishes,

[Mary Morgan]

What wondereful parents you are. My own experience was to be punished/humiliated by my father who afterall, didn't know what to do. What is most important in this issue and all the other passages you will be going through, is to separate unacceptable behavior from what some may consider to be undesirable behavior. Maintaining communication will be both instructive and enriching for all of you. Crossdressing harms no one. Acting and reacting inappropriately harms everyone. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. You are an example to all of us. Louise

[uknowhoo]

Very rarely do I cry when reading threads here, but this is certainly an exception. I am so moved by, and so appreciative of the compassion which shines through your writing. I expect when you come back online and see the response to your query, like me, you'll be touched by the outpouring of concern, support and thoughful responses you've received. This place never ceases to amaze me.

I can assure you that you needn't apologize for any lack of knowledge or understanding, and that you haven't offended anyone. Your coming here to gain understanding is truly beautiful.

I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot to add to what's been said already. The one comment I would make is that it's good you're addressing this now. Having waited until he was thirteen or fifteen would make it much more difficult to address the situation. I wish you and your family the very best in dealing with this, and hope you can soon come to a workable solution, which can evolve as your son continues to mature. Having building a strong foundation can only help the realtionship during the potentially turbulent teenage years. Please do keep us posted.

xoxo

Tammi

p.s. Congratulations on the birth of your new baby!!! :hugs:

[paulaN]

I think you are handling things very well so far. I would bye him his own stuff and leave it in his room. I know he does not want to talk about it. I would'nt eather. but keep talking any way he is hearing you just the same. just don't push it to hard. If he has gender isues, which I think he does, it is not going to go away. keep talking.

[sarah-smith]

I've not read any of the replies to your post, just your post ok!

so what I think is this;

you seem comfortable with the idea of him wearing female underwear as long as its not your own but understandably feel uncomfortable with him going out fully dresses in female clothing (due to what others will think), ok

he will seem embarassed and shy about it but if you can make him comfortable talking about this with small hints.
Buy him some underwear for example and leave it on his bed with a little note just to let him know your ok with it! then wait for him to get over this exceptance and ask if you can sit with him and have a chat.
the more you can except this and the more he can feel comfortable around you (while dressed or not) the better and the more understanding as to why will come from it.
this will help you and doctors find out if its just psycological behavior caused by being split from his mum or if its really a gender identity issue.

either way should be excepted, he is who he is and nothing can change that.
the only thing you really can do is learn to live with him as he is.

maybe one day he'll grow up to be a beautiful woman, he may grow out of it or he may carry on wearing underwear to express himself. with patience, support and exceptance, time will tell!

the only reason why i've typed this is because I was moved between my parents then with my gran because of family issues and thought my crossdressing was to do with that, it turned out it wasn't and that I really felt I was a female but with support I'm now happy! :happy:

Regards,
Sarah

p.s. you've come to the right place for support! these guys and girls know a lot about these things and are very supportive! :hugs:

[Casey Morgan]

You've gotten some great advice which I won't repeat here. (Now there's a sentence you'll see more times thasn you can count. LOL) I would like to second the advice that you and DH have your own support system in place. If nothing else I can imagine it would be a tremendous relief to know that you aren't the only parents dealing with this.

Welcome to the forums. I hope this can become a second home for you.

[Lisa Golightly]

I have to agree that I really don't like anyone else wearing my things... As for your problem... I really don't feel it would do any harm to offer the option. Just buy something and leave it there. You might find that the fascination will die with the acceptance.

[ubokvt]

You've recieved a lot of good advice here read it think about but remember you are closest to this problem and have the best idea of what might work and what he might accept.
A counselor on gender is a good idea but instead of your son why don't you go gather information and look for stratagies that might work. Just taking him to a counselor in our society has the stigma something is wrong a needs to be fixed. Go slow here but deffinatly explore it.
Your son knows you know.... My parents knew I did and everytime they found my stash and wanted to talk it only hightened my shame each time it happened was tramatic and everytime it happened only reinforced the shame and tramau. He is going to continue to dress and not having another source will continue to take yours, or as I did start borring from other sources, very risky. I would get him a few things and leave it for him and not say a thing wait a time and leave another treat and maybe the third time leave a note. In many ways he is a scared timit animal and open confrontation will only drive hime deeper into his hole/denial. Go slow try to give him control and hope.

[LindaG]

I wish I had you as a mother, like the other CD's in here I started a little older then your son about 7 it wasn't sexual for me either I just liked the feel and the look tell him also that none of his friends will ever find out. God Bless you

[Daphne Renee]

10 is a difficult age.. well heck I am 37 and its still not easy..
everyone so far as given you some great advice.. Its great that you are being so accepting of this... Its not something that comes easy to talk about with your parents at any age especially as a child. I will agree with some of the other in just getting him some of his own girls clothes. Letting him pick it out is a good idea but going to the store might be a bit much for him at this age. Its taken me years to realize that the cashiers really dont care what you buy. Perhaps on one of your regular shopping trips to buy him other clothes you can pick up a few girl things. I know its been said before but I think it bears repeating.. dont treat him any differently than you would if he werent wearing girls clothing..
Its good that your trying to find out so much more about this. I know many cders probably wish they would have had understanding parents when they were children.

[sarahjan]

10 is a difficult age.. well heck I am 37 and its still not easy..



It doesn't get any easier when you are 50

[MJ]

you have some real good advice i think the best thing is to try and get him to open up to you oh and the fact you are here tell me you are the best mom in the world

[Jolene]

I am not much for giving advice, but based on my experience, as a crossdresser and being caught many times, maybe your stepson is a bit scared to talk to you about his dressing. I know, when my mother talked to me about my dressing, i was embarrasssed and scared. And i didnt want to talk about it. I was even asked if i wanted to go to school in girl's things (i said no, but secretly, it would have been nice.)

Its not an easy subject to face, either as a child or an adult. I have heard much advice, that a parent should just go out and buy some "things" and lay them out for him.

Heck, even today, i can't tell you why i dress, except that it is relaxing and comfortable. So, if i were you, i'd buy him the items, and just be there for him, for when he is ready. Besides, there is alot more worse things he could be doing

hope this helps

Michelle

I think many of us feel this way. I say get your stepson a few things. He may outgrow all of this but if not he will end up not feeling as ashamed about this as many of us did growing up. ............. Jolene :)

[Paula Thomas]

Justamom - The only piece of advice that I would offer (since you have already been given a lot of good advice), is that if you look for a gender counselor for your stepson, you look for one who has exprience with young adults (i.e., pre-teen and young teen).

Dealing with "young adults" is different than with "adults" - they speak a different language, are more prone to "freeze" when questioned, and have less ability (vocabulary and insight) to describe their feelings.

You certainly appear to be the mom we all wish we had (and some did have).

[Jodi Lynn]

Justamom, I can't say much more then the others have said. What I can say is that I started around the age of ten, taking my mother's underwear too. She found me dressed a few times she never yelled at me or spanked me for it. She would just tell me to go change and to please not do it again. That didn't stop me from doing it, just got more carefull not to get found out. I also allways had a thing for makeup too. Yse to use those little lipsticks the she got as samples from Avon. I am so happy that you and your husband are not going overboard trying to stop him, because he won't stop he will just find another way to do it without you knowing. Belive me I have tried to stop many times over the many years I have been crossdressing, and I allways end up dressing again. My best to you and your family,and I hope that you will come to understand what your stepson is going through.

[LaFem]

This is a wonderful forum. I'm so glad you found it. The advice you received was compassionate, thoughtful, and right on the money. I am very proud of my fellow members.

I don't think your family or your son has anything to worry about. You guys seem to have plenty of LOVE.

[tall_brianna]

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but that initial reaction you had and your mum (more likely) had are the likely reason why he is in denial. There is more than enough peer incentive for him to keep this closeted - I doubt he'll bust out in a dress one day to be off to school.

You are not making him a cross dresser - he is one. There is little you can do except make him feel ashamed of it.

You need to tell your mom to STFU on the subject as she is very likely trying to exert her influence on this matter when you are not around.

Other than that, I think you are doing a wonderful job and I would have traded my parents for you any day. Keep up the good work!

[princessmichelle]

Dear Justamom,

Perhaps sharing my experience will be helpful to you: the benefit of supportive loved ones was invisible to them but huge to me.

I'm a male to female crossdresser and When I told someone close to me and they were supportive, I didn't talk to them about it much after that. What their support did do was keep me from worrying myself to death. Knowing that their support was there if I needed it left me free to worry about bigger things: how I actually felt about my crossdressing issues: is it a fetish, is it sexual, is it gender, is it something else?

One more thing: it seems normal to be uncomfortable about sharing clothes. Even women who are supportive of crossdressing are usually uncomfortable with sharing clothes, especially without permission. So I agree that this part of your stepson's behavior is simply a problem and needs to stop. The challenge is making it clear that the uw otherwise is not a problem. And that is a challenge.

Good luck.

pm

[Vivian Best]

Hello,

This is my first post here. I apologize in advance for my ignorance and the length of this post. I am writing for advice for helping my stepson. He is 10 years old and has been “stealing” and wearing my underwear since he was 6. This started within a few weeks of meeting me so basically the entire time we’ve known each other.


We thought he was just curious? Or maybe it had something to do with the separation from his mother and then moving in with me? Is it just a comfort thing? We really don’t know what to think.

We went to see a family therapist, she suggested buying him some of his own girl’s underwear. We asked him if he’d like that and he didn’t want to talk about it. He gets really tight lipped and will not talk at all. He would promise to never take my things again without permission.

So here are my questions…my mother claims crossdressing is a sexual thing. Since stepson is so young, she doubts this is a sexual thing. We don’t know if he is really crossdressing or what he is doing, or why. He will not talk about it at all. He may not even know or understand himself what is going on. My mother feels we are going to push him into being a crossdresser or even becoming transgender (?) by buying him bras and panties. We also live in a very conservative state so we all worry if others found out, he would be tormented.

Whatever he is or is going to be, we want him to feel loved, be happy and know we accept him. We don’t want to do anything to damage his self-worth. So what do you think? Are we jumping the gun on buying him the bras and panties?

I really don’t want him wearing my under garments because 1) I need them, 2) it sort of makes me feel violated, and 3) they are dirty and that seems yucky to me. So we need to find some solution so he does not need to take my items.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and share your insights. I apologize again for my ignorance, I hope I have not offended anyone. I know very little about this subject, I am trying to learn more so I can help and support my little stepson.

Hi Mom, you are a saint!

I can only relate my experiences and thoughts to you. I too started about the same age as you stepson. I have absolutely no knowledge how crossdressing can into my brain, it was "just there" and still is! At five or six years old I had absolutely no idea what sex was and neither does he. I'm sure he is just like I was, driven to dress in women's clothing. Driven to do it, not knowing why and at the same time feeling profound guilt and shame. Could I have talked to my parents at that age? NO WAY JOSE!!!

I firmly believe most crossdressers are that way from birth. There are several theories about why but that is for another time! Yes, a very few crossdressers have been "cured" (personally I don't believe there is anything to be cured of). They were highly motivated to stop and they were very young when the intervention occurred.

I have been crossdressing for almost sixty years. During the early years of my life I was in constant turmoil. Feeling compelled to dress then the guilt and shame just became a continuous cycle that continued for year after year. Yes, I could quit and did a thousand times! And, it just came back, maybe ten minutes later, hour later, days or even months but it came back as sure as the cycles of the seasons of the year. After reaching a point in my life in my mid fourties I had to stop the cycles before it killed me. I had to decide whether I was going to try to quit again or accept myself for what I am. I made my decision and I'm still here.

My feeling is by supporting him in his need you won't push him into being a crossdresser if he is already one and you won't push him into being one if he isn't already. Also Mom, by understanding his needs, providing for those needs, hopefully you can avoid him experiencing a lifetime of sheer agony if he is a CDr! He certainly needs love and understanding right now.

What if he is a crossdresser? There are certainly worse things in life! I personally had a wonderful career in management and have retired and no one knew but my wife. I've always kept it private for obvious reasons. By your and your husbands actions with your stepson you can choose to be a part of his life or you can condemn him to a life of shame, secrets, hiding, or even worse things.

[DonnaT]

:hugs: I agree that getting him his own things is best. Be prepared to buy him a skirt or two as well.

I can remember getting caught and feeling to scared to talk about it. My mom now knows and is fine with it.

Make sure he knows that him being open and honest with you is the best route to take.

Telling your mother is an iffy proposition, but don't let her derail you from your current plans. Spanking sure isn't the right way to go, as it only leads to more deception.

Some good links have been offered. You might also want check out http://www.dcchildrens.com/dcchildrens/about/subclinical/subneuroscience/subgender/guide.aspx


Seek professional help if your child becomes anxious, depressed, angry or hyperactive in spite of your efforts to be supportive.

[justamom]

I want to thank everyone for their responses. I don't have much time to write a lot now, but I will be back later in the weekend.

I just wanted to let you all know I have read your the responses and I feel much better now. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to share your insights with me.

One quick thing, we do not want to "fix" him. I totally agree there are much worse things than him crossdressing. I just don't want to make his life harder than it needs to be. He has enough self-inflicted guilt and shame, we do not want to cause more.

Anyway, thanks again. I have a lot of reading to do and I will be back:)

[psdibe]

As a 52 year old cross dresser who had an aunt who would buy me my own cloths, I truly think this is a good idea. She would buy me items but would never discuss or talk about the dressing when I would wear some thing around the house. My advise is that you continue to communicate with him. both you and his father may want to slowly allow him to expariment with other types of clothes and see where it takes him. At a very young age we know that wearing womans cloths is something we will continue to do. Many wish we had the chance to talk and dress with as much exceptance as we could have. To be able to open oneself about this part of you can be a very emotional and at the same time a feeling of relielf. To be able to dress if you wanted and have it be excepted and if need be incouraged and shared is wonderful. Let the family grow together. I know you have had wondeful responces, from many cds who have gone through this.

You are wonderful parents, parents that all cds would want to have. Your help and understnading will make his life much more complete.
we would love to hear from you as you grow together.

Best wishes
Deb

[Cristi]

I think everything has been covered pretty well by all the posters before me, but just three additions:

1) Bless you!

2) On the quesiton of 'sexual' or not, I started getting the desire to wear feminine clothing as early as 5 years old, at least 7 years before I reached puberty, so at least in MY case, the sexual aspect of it came much later. I really don't know what it was earlier... curiosity?, jealousy of the fancier colors and patterns?, a deep desire to be more feminine? I still don't know.

3) With the guilt that he probably already has inside him about his feelings, it would probably be a miracle to expect him to ever come out and say 'Yes, I want you to buy me panties and a bra'. IMHO, the best thing you could do for him is just add panties and a few bras to the 'regular' mix of boy's things in his underwear drawer. You don't even have to ever mention it to him, he will know where they came from. I also agree with one of the above posters that said that if he is curious about panties and bras, you will almost certainly be missing pantyhose or tights soon, so stick a few pairs of tights in his sock drawer as well.

Maybe later, once he has time to really feel 'safe' with your acceptance of him, he will feel more comfortable interracting with you about his preferences when it comes time to replace the items.

One of my best memories of being that age is one of the only times I was 'caught'. My mother never confronted my about finding one of her slips in my bedroom, but it did get laundered, folded and returned along with the rest of my clothes. It said a lot more to me about her acceptance than any conversation ever could!

[Amy Hepker]

If you tell him it's wrong and disapline him, he'll just find another way to get some. Even if you lock you UW up he will get it even if he has to steal it. You are doing the right thing in buying the him the UW. Place it in his room and don't say a word. He will take it and hide it. I would let him know that he should never do it outside the house, and tell him why he shouldn't do it outside and in front of other people. Let him know that you understand and you will help. I find a lot of times when I get depressed I revert to Crossdressing. It gives secerity and comfort. Have if help with stuff in the house like cleaning and let him know there is more to dressing like a girl than just wearing the clothes. Have him stay clean and have him take care of his body more and more. Let him know it will not be easy and is a lot of work to be a girl. Let him know there are expectations. Don't just let him do it by himself, try to get involved. This may take sometime, take it slow, show him you do care and you will help. Make sure he knows other will not approve and will harrass him if they find out. Kids can be so cruel to each other.

[shavedm64]

Way to go mom... from the replies you have received, I think you are pretty much aware that most feel you are to be commended for wanting to learn and not just give a knee jerk reaction.

In addition to the replies you have I would only add that I feel you should set down with him... just you and him.. and do some shopping. I think on line or in a catalog is by far the best way.

The only caution I would give is to continue to watch discreetly to see if he contines to take other peoples things, especially if it goes beyond taking just yours. If this happens, I would strongly urge professional help to see if there is something hidden deeper in his mind. No offense intended, but it could happen if not dealt with early.

One other thing you might consider is buying his boys underwear in smooth feeling material, not just plain old cotton. It could be he is much like me, and just enjoys the feel of how much different womens undergarments feel in comparison to mens.

Again, all of us thank you for being the kind of person you are, and wish there were a lot more like you.

[AmandaM]

You might want to consider just buying him some clothes on your own. Since he likes your stuff you could get him something similar? OR you could take him with you and pretend their for his "sister". He might enjoy that. He may feel weird about it in front of his dad. A "man thing" y'know. I'm thinking maybe he needs you to take the lead on this and show him it's okay. You could tell him to only do it in his room, if others are funny about it. And go from there.

Make it a natural thing, and he may chill out about it.

[sandra-leigh]

One other thing you might consider is buying his boys underwear in smooth feeling material, not just plain old cotton.

I don't know if they'd be available in a small enough size, but hereabouts the mens-wear department of the major chains sell cotton and microfibre mens briefs and bikinis and thongs. There isn't very much visible difference on the outside between those and plain womens' panties; they have a thicker front panel then womens' do.

If in time the boy starts wanting to wear panties outside the house, then
a) the above may prove to be a relatively acceptable substitute;
b) the above could provide "practice", getting used to the situation, knowing that if they were observed that he would be able to say without lying "these are mens underwear!";
c) the above may provide acclimitization on the part of others: if others become accustomed to seeing him in them (e.g., changing at gym class), then the general shape stops being "odd";
d) the above may provide a "cover story" -- once there is acclimitization, then if he sometimes wears fairly similar womens' panties, then they might assume they are just more menswear, or if there was talk, then the talk can be redirected towards the idea that what was observed was the (producable) mens underwear.

But that's all in the future, under the assumption that he does develop an interest in wearing the styles outside the house.

[sandra-leigh]

I would let him know that he should never do it outside the house, and tell him why he shouldn't do it outside and in front of other people.

I don't believe it would be right to teach him that he must absolutely hide it to within the home and never elsewhere. Not if he's a crossdresser or transgender: if he is, then wearing such clothes will become an important part of who he is all the time. Talk of risks and precautions, rather than teaching him that this is something too shameful or strange to risk the slightest chance outside the house.


Make sure he knows other will not approve and will harrass him if they find out. Kids can be so cruel to each other.

Well, I do agree that kids can be very cruel to each other -- but there is after-school and weekends and other times when the kids aren't going to be paying attention to him.

With a bit of care, the greatest danger outside of school might be in squating down and having something become visible at the back of the pants (a situation that used to be particularily associated with plumbers for some reason or other.) Yes, that can be a problem if what is revealed is obviously in a colour or image pattern not worn by males... so you mitigate risk with black or white solid colouring.

[Helen MC]

Like many here I admire your very tolerant attitude on this difficult matter.

I wish my mother had been of a similar open-mindedness and if she had found that I was secretly wearing my sister's and later also her panties , she had openly offered to buy me my own girls knickers to wear instead of the then Y-Fronts that most boys then wore. I would have jumped for joy at the offer and have accepted it with alacrity! This of course would not have happened in such a traditional middle-class English "nuclear" family in the 1960s . If she had found out that I was wearing Anne's and her knickers the consequencies would have been too terrible to contemplate. Thankfully and due to my being very cautious and observing a high level of security, I was never discovered.

At this stage (and no disrespect to Tess-Leigh), I have to say I feel that the substitute of the newer types of male underwear in whatever material , silk, nylon instead of cotton is a false trail and is doomed to failure and could make matters worse, don't even go there! Even at his young age he clearly knows the difference between male and female underwear and would feel short changed by such a substitute for the real thing, female panties. Nowdays, at least in the UK and Europe there are men's and boys' underpants which in many aspects are panties in all but name, as they have no fly, a double gusset (lined crotch), elasticated leg openings and waist and are in all types of colours and patterns but they are NOT women's panties and I will not wear them, and have been wearing panties now since I was 12 and only panties since I was 15 and I am now 53. I haven't even owned male underpants for decades now!

Returning to your situation. I would make a serious and binding bargain with your step-son. Take ownership of the situation instead of flapping around as you seem to be on this matter. Go out and buy him some panties , (don't ask him again as you have done so already), sufficient panties for a clean pair every day, and if he wants one get him a trainer bra. Give these to him and explain to him that you do not mock nor criticise him for wanting to wear girls' panties instead of boys' underpants, you and your partner are quite at ease with this. However make it absolutely clear that you will NOT tolerate him wearing YOUR panties be they clean or soiled and that retribution will come to him if he does so. You can further explain that these are YOUR personal items and you would feel hurt if he takes them.

I also feel that you should explain to him that there are those who are not so tolerant as yourself, and that if the other boys in his school and the neighbourhood discover that he is wearing girls' panties they may mock him and give him a hard time and that if he has to strip off at school for games, and gym etc it might be wise for him to wear boys' underpants on those days and change back into the girl's panties he prefers when he gets home and only wear them to school on non Gym/Games days. I had to do this from the age of 12 to 15 when thankfully I was able to drop PE and Games for other subjects and have not worn male underpants again.

Now should you take him to a "Counsellor"? Only you and your partner can make that decision. I have the typical British scepticism and dislike for Psychiatrists and would never consult one but I understand that in the USA visiting an "Analyst" is looked upon as no different than going to the Dentist or Doctor .

Finally, is this a sexual or comfort issue for him? For me it was a bit of both. My sister's knickers were a lot more comfortable than the Y-Fronts that boys had to wear in 1965 but there was and still is a sexual aspect to wearing panties and other female clothing as far as I am concerned. Unlike some posters here Cross-Dressing, in my case indoors for female outer clothing although I wear women's panties 24/7, definitely had and still has a sexual arousal aspect .

Best wishes to you and your step-son and I hope the matter resolves itself and he will be happy wearing HIS panties and leaving yours for you alone to wear. Please keep us all posted on the outcome.

Love from Helen.

[Julie York]

If he kept stealing his Dad's tools and hiding them in his bedroom, you'd buy him his own toolkit. It's only society's expectations that prevent us from following such a logical path when it comes to clothing.

I started at 5 too. No idea why but I KNEW it was a secret and dangerous behaviour and would have been very embarrassed to discuss it as I didn't understand it. Being taken to a therapist would have made things worse as that in itself creates a stigma about the whole thing.

The simple solution is to buy some things, put them in a drawer in his room and let him get on with it.

Good luck. You're a very sensible and compassionate woman.:thumbsup:

[carol ann]

How the position of you with your stepson reminds me of my own childhood! i used to raid my mother's underwear draw when she was out from the age of about eight.

After some years of being undiscovered (or so I believed) my mother found my little collection of those items I had not returned. She did not know how to handle it but wrote me a letter telling me what she had found; that she was worried about me and "Did i want to talk about it?".

I was so embarrassed - at that moment I just wanted the earth to swallow me up. I didn't know how to handle it, so I just pretended the letter hadn't happened. My mother didn't mention it ever again from that moment onward and neither did I.

For years afterwards I wished I had the courage to bring it into the open. I would have loved to share my feminine feelings with her and for her to encourage me to have my own clothes.

I do believe you have done the right thing but you will ahve to accept that he has to get over his own feeling of guilt. However if you do buy him some things he will love you for it and if you help him to buy some things of his own , he will love you all the more.

[nishababe]

I have read all the posts and agree with most comments .Love and cherish him and treat him as a special person .

Try to be relaxed about it all .Buy him some nice ,pretty girly panties ,a nice silky nightie ,bra's ,skirts and anything else he likes .Perhaps even take him shopping for some girly clothes if he wants to .Give him little girly treats like making him up and put some lipstick and eyeshadow on him ,perhaps even a nice pretty girly wig !!

Try to keep it relaxed and fun .Try to think of him as part girl ,part boy .
He will feel so happy and relaxed if you are accepting of the way he feels and acts ,try to explain to him that there are lots of men and boys like him ,its just that he's been born with a female type brain ,no ones fault .It happens all the time ,more than people think .

Most of us like this are not gay we just love females and everything female and would love to have been born as a pretty girl so help him to understand how and why he feels like he does .

Love and good luck from,

''Nishababe''xxx

[sandra-leigh]

At this stage (and no disrespect to Tess-Leigh), I have to say I feel that the substitute of the newer types of male underwear in whatever material , silk, nylon instead of cotton is a false trail and is doomed to failure and could make matters worse, don't even go there! Even at his young age he clearly knows the difference between male and female underwear and would feel short changed by such a substitute for the real thing, female panties.

Depends on the individual. Male bikinis etc. are my cover story! I bought a couple, my wife didn't object to the style, I let the tags float around a bit, and started mixing in womens' panties (brand identification carefully removed unless the brand was known for selling male and female underwear.) My wife sees me wearing womens' panties and they go through the regular laundry procedures, so she's put them away numerous times, but it's not clear that she understands that they are womens' panties. (She has referred to them as panties, but as her first language is not English, she might be referring to the style rather than the department they were bought in... and the times she has referred to them as panties, it has usually been one of the mens' that she has been holding.) (Incidently, the only criticism of them that she has expressed is that they are not cotton, and she feels cotton underwear is much healthier... but I love the feel and stretch of microfibre.)

[sandra-leigh]

Buy him some nice ,pretty girly panties ,a nice silky nightie ,bra's ,skirts and anything else he likes .Perhaps even take him shopping for some girly clothes if he wants to .Give him little girly treats like making him up and put some lipstick and eyeshadow on him ,perhaps even a nice pretty girly wig !!

Perhaps in future, but I'd suggest that with the little information we have now about how he really feels about such things, that such things would be "jumping the gun".

I would point out that he was wearing "several" bras underneath his shirt at age 6, and bras have been a consistant fixture in the problems. A six-year old doesn't need a bra, and a 10-year old usually doesn't either (though by 10 a "training bra" is starting to be a big thing.) What I'm leading towards is that if he is transgendered and feeling as if he really should be female, then he would (it seems to me) be concentrating on the trappings of girlhood, rather than on the trappings of adulthood. But he isn't imitating girls, he is imitating women -- and so to him, "girly" things might perhaps feel stupid and almost repressive. But right now we don't know: perhaps he'd love to be "girly" if given the chance (but the bras so early....)

That's why I've been suggesting starting with female but not cutesy or girly: if he is imitating adult women (whether his birth mother or his step mother) then "age apropriate" might feel completely wrong for him. We know that he is interested in adult styles; we don't know that he is interested in female-child styles. Don't "play dollies" with him until such time as he gives an indication that that is what he would like.


I was thinking, though, that when giving him a bundle of things to start, it might be good to quietly put a couple of tubes of lipstick in his room, one a "stealth" colour, and one more noticable. By "stealth" colour, I mean one that is definitely lipstick but is not noticable unless you are looking for it -- something that he could wear and know he is wearing and yet be fairly safe with even in public; for my particular skin colours, a good example of that is the Peach Blush shade of the NYC lipstick line, available very inexpensively at drugstores. For the other shade, perhaps a muted red that is a bit longer lasting and gives noticable definition to the lips; something that an adult woman might wear to enhance appearance without attracting attention. For this second shade, I'm possibly just "projecting": I know that for me when I wear most inexpensive red lipsticks, the colour just feels much too vivid and attention-getting to me, and too much like play-acting -- whereas a muted "office-professional" lipstick feels quite natural. (The particular one I use is by Lola, and unfortunately is in the Real Cosmetics price range, over $US20 for a tube.)

Also, probably not immediately but after a bit of a pause to establish that he is interested in "female" and not just panties and bra specifically, perhaps visit Claire's and obtain a couple of the magnetic "stud"-type earrings. The cubic zyrconium they have in that style are, to my mind, too big -- too much like young teens pretending to be grown up -- but the "genuine crystal" in the magnetic style are fairly small and unobtrusive, more of a "quiet elegance". I believe they are $US3 per single small silver stud; a larger gold-ish setting is sold as a pair for about $US4.50.

[Julie York]

I was thinking, though, that when giving him a bundle of things to start, it might be good to quietly put a couple of tubes of lipstick in his room, one a "stealth" colour, and one more noticable. By "stealth" colour, I mean one that is definitely lipstick but is not noticable unless you are looking for it -- something that he could wear and know he is wearing and yet be fairly safe with even in public; for my particular skin colours, a good example of that is the Peach Blush shade of the NYC lipstick line, available very inexpensively at drugstores. For the other shade, perhaps a muted red that is a bit longer lasting and gives noticable definition to the lips

The idea is to give the woman advice..Not get off on your own fantasies.

And that goes for a few others too. It's a real child you're talking about, not some fictionmania plot!

:mad:

[Lee51964]

I can say that crossdressing was not sexual for me it was comforting I always felt more my self in panties and girls clothing


mom always wished for a girl little did she know

[Mary L]

Dear JustaMom--I am a married parent of two. One has been easy and the other is still difficult (but totally lovable) after 25+ yrs. I empathize with your desire to be a good, nurturing parent who simply wants a happy, healthy child.

It is most unusual for a child to be so "focused" on such a behavior at such a young age. At the age of 6, it clearly was not for sexual gratification. At 10, perhaps it is heading that direction, but perhaps not. You clearly need an unbiased alternate opinion well beyond what you are receiving from anyone here. We are all biased; we are all CDers. As a few others have suggested, talk to a specialist who may be able to see things from your son's perspective. The questions you raise are well beyond our collective anecdotal experience and require an expert.

Wishing you and your family well,
Mary L.

[sandra-leigh]

The idea is to give the woman advice..Not get off on your own fantasies.

I was the person addressed in that remark. I know it to be completely incorrect characterization of my thought processes in this thread.

I do not mind that Julie York disagreed with me or that she thought that my remarks went noticably further than were useful to the situation: I am sure we all have much to learn from hearing multiple viewpoints.

I am, though, rather disappointed by the manner in which she choose to express her disagreement.

[Julie York]

Having swapped several PMs with you on this subject I now understand that your motives were not how they may have read. But I do think that you and a couple of others maybe got "carried away" with your helpful advice.


If you feel you were wrongly tarred by the brush then I apologise.

[CAT3074]

I am not much on advice but I went through much the same when I was young but atleast you are being understanding and loving to him I sug. buying the items and give him all the support you can

[Josi]

"It is most unusual for a child to be so "focused" on such a behavior at such a young age."
Mm where's the evidence for such a comment? Or is it just an opinion?
I started my "need" to wear girls clothes and especially lipstick and foudation garments from the age of 4 ..

"You clearly need an unbiased alternate opinion well beyond what you are receiving from anyone here"

er .. this is a CrossDressing forum .. so the originator of the thread obviously WANTS our opinions ... mine will follow

"talk to a specialist who may be able to see things from your son's perspective. The questions you raise are well beyond our collective anecdotal experience and require an expert"

Actually some "experts" arent experts at all - they may have read a lot and even be a Doctor, but that doesnt equal expertise.. and WITHOUT the understanding of being a crossdresser, may have No Idea at all what the lad is going through.
It is a bit rash to say "The questions you raise are well beyond our collective anecdotal experience" ,, sorry but how the heck do you know what our collective experience is?

Anyway .. to get back to the thread. the most heartening thing is that a caring and loving parent is seeking to do the very best for her child.
My view is .. follow your instincts .. your heart and spirit of love and care will probably indicate what is right for you and yours in this circumstance.
My experience was that I KNEW (from the age of 4) that what I was doing was "wrong" and "shamefull" and I must never get caught.

That feeling of shame and embarrassment is one hell of a mountain to climb - but a continued caring, loving and accepting ethos is the best anyone can give.
Justamom .. you are doing brilliantly - I wish you and yours the best.

[emmerzgurl06]

This may be redundate to what the other members have said, but let me share my thoughts...

While I was growing up, I was like most cd'ers who would "borrow" items from my mother and sister. I'll admit the thrill of it was great, but the guilt I felt afterwards was not worth it. I didnt like going behind my mothers back, or my sisters for that matter. I felt like I was violating them and their trust, which I was.

But I'll say this too. I would much rather not had to sneak around. I was caught twice, and both times I swore up and down I would never do it again. And both times, I did it again. The desire is to great. I believe your son will continue with or without your help. I dreamed of telling my mother that I still dressed, and that she would accept it, and take me shopping, or buy me clothes. But it never happened.

The secrecy is very painful and is part of the reason why so many of us struggle with this lifestyle. I wish everyday, that I could just be myself and not have to worry about losing family and friends because of something like this.

Your son is very lucky to have a mother who cares this much about him, that she would consider catering to his need.

Take Care,
Emily

[sandra-leigh]

But I do think that you and a couple of others maybe got "carried away" with your helpful advice.

I am not convinced that I got carried away, but I accept the possibility as being reasonable and worth consideration.



If you feel you were wrongly tarred by the brush then I apologise.

Thank you. Your concern for the well-being of the stepson is a good thing. Children can sometimes be very fragile... and sometimes mostly need room for growth.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I am not convinced that I got carried away, but I accept the possibility as being reasonable and worth consideration.

Put it this way, if Justamom's son showed a persistent interest in whittling, it would be a bit premature to go out and buy him a full woodworking shop, yes? Maybe he does want to grow up to be a cabinet maker, maybe he just likes whittling....

We really don't know what's going on in his head. (And odds are he doesn't either.) So just as I think it's foolish to pressure him to stop, I think it's equally foolish to do things that he might preceive as pressure the other way.

[suit]

I have since become convinced that some of us are hard wired for searching out her pheromones . and clothes become a huge wick sucking these up . generally her clothes are soft smooth warm and smell better than chocolate chip cookies even if we don't concisely recognize we smell anything .

this I feel is like bait and switch but the program, not much off a gooses imprinting, is very hard to over ride or erase .

so may be he is missing you and needs a security blanket ? and your bras beat the ribbons on his sterilized blanket all to hell?
Thoughts ?

[Mary L]

Dear Josie--I appreciate your taking time to express opinion about my suggestions above.
Mm where's the evidence for such a comment? Or is it just an opinion?
I started my "need" to wear girls clothes and especially lipstick and foudation garments from the age of 4 ..

er .. this is a CrossDressing forum .. so the originator of the thread obviously WANTS our opinions ... mine will follow

Actually some "experts" arent experts at all - they may have read a lot and even be a Doctor, but that doesnt equal expertise.. and WITHOUT the understanding of being a crossdresser, may have No Idea at all what the lad is going through.
It is a bit rash to say "The questions you raise are well beyond our collective anecdotal experience" ,, sorry but how the heck do you know what our collective experience is?
However, you miss my point. Because I with to make sure that JustaMom does not miss it too, I am responding to you.

Yes, JustaMom has requested our opinions. My point is that we are not neutral observers. We have no idea about the details of her son's behavior or even if JustaMom told us everything necessary to make an educated decision. If JustaMom is truly concerned, then a neutral third party with extensive experience in pediatric psychiatry, with specific expertise in the science of gender-related problems, should be involved.

The reason is simple: her son my not have a gender or clothing related problem at all. Can any of us speak to that side of the story? One piece of information about crossdressing that is glaringly absent from ALL discussions of the topic concerns the number of children who played with panties, stockings, etc. without becoming crossdressing adults. Yes, it is widely stated that crossdressers cannot really quit. But that is circular reasoning, as the inability to quit becomes part of the definition of being a crossdresser. This may not be the case for young children. Not knowing any better, kids play with lots of things when little. I don't have a fetish for mud, although I certainly played in it a lot before the age of 6. "Experts" are, in part, experts not only because they know a lot about the topic at hand, but because they have seen both sides of the story. In this case, perseverative behavior that might or might not be related to gender issues.

So, my comments are intended for JustaMom and I wish to reinforce the notion that if she seeks advice from us, she is likely to receive information derived from our own histories which may not be at all relevant to what her son is experiencing. I repeat -- a knowledgeable, neutral observer is needed.

[nishababe]

Further to my previous post ,I think the most important thing is for this boy to be able to do what he wants to do ,without the guilty feelings that we must have all gone through when we all started secretly cross dressing at young ages .
I think as I have stated before that he needs to feel ok and accepted in doing what comes naturally to him .
He must not be told off and made to feel guilty ,to be forced to dress in secret ,with all the hang ups and guilt that entails .
That is why I think that if he wants to wear girls clothes then let him do it and help him by buying some for him and try to explain to him why he is getting these thoughts and feelings come into his head ,as he must be puzzled and bewildered as to why he is feeling like this !!
I would have loved it if my mum had made me up and had got girls clothes for me to wear when I wanted to !!

Love ''Nishababe'' xxxxx:heehee:

[Melinda Lou]

I've been following this thread off and on for a few days, and finally feel moved to comment. First, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're not trolling us--this kind of topic often comes up in troll posts.

I can identify with your stepson--when I was about that age, I had a stash of my mom's old stuff (panties) that was ready to go to Goodwill, that I had "diverted" to a hiding place for my own use. As time went on, like many others here, I also "borrowed" (stole) from female relations and friends to maintain my habit--in my case, usually cousins, as I did not have sisters. I felt guilty about the dressing, and I felt guilty about the stealing. It took me a while, and some scary experiences I won't go into, to learn that dressing wasn't something I should feel bad about but that stealing definitely was something that needed to stop.

Whatever you decide to do about his apparent dressing, you need to make sure he understands that underwear is a highly personal thing, and stealing it is, well, wrong--not to mention, unsanitary.

As for the dressing, I'm not sure how I feel about this. Having been in that situation, I know that if he's dressing now, he will do it again, whether you support him, suppress him, or ignore him. What I wanted at that age was to be able to wear panties and not have to hide them, but I don't think I wanted my mom to help me out with it! (To be fair, I wouldn't have wanted my mom to be much involved in picking out my guy's underwear, either.) The kindest thing to do might be to buy him some (age-appropriate) panties and perhaps some other girly stuff, set boundaries on when he can wear it, and help him not feel guilty about it, but I'd be prepared for him to react as if you're embarrassing him, because he's a 10-year-old boy, and having been one, he will not want you "in his business", even if you're being helpful. I've often thought that if I had a son who turned out to be a CDer, I would refrain from supporting him in it, except to try to get him to take responsibility for his actions and buy and take care of his own stuff, because you don't want to be the subject of his conversations with his therapist down the road...

[justamom]

I assure you I am not a "troll"; you have no way of verifying that so I can understand your comment. I work outside the home part-time and have three kids plus a husband to care for so I am haven't been back to this thread much .

I just want to post an update and clarify a few things.

I did buy him some things (bras and underwear) and put them in his uw drawer. I was pleasantly surprised by the selection; it was actually a little overwhelming. I just chose items I thought were age appropriate. The plan is for DH to speak to him privately about what precautions he needs to take if he wants to wear the underwear out of the house.

Like I said before, this is a conservative area and he is only in 4th grade. Maybe in high school his peers will be more accepting, but right now it would destroy his chances of making and sustaining friendships. Academics would go out the window. Honestly, he would probably have to switch schools because the parents are so outrageous.

This weekend, my DH told me he enjoyed wearing lingerie as a teen. I was pretty surprised he didn't share this sooner, considering how we've been scratching our heads for three years trying to figure out how to help this kid. As it turns out, I was the only one scratching my head. DH knew what was going on.

We do see a family therapist. The focus has been on blending the families since it is no easy task. Also, stepson sees her individually because he struggles with anxiety, depression, and ADHD.

I don't think my stepson is taking the items to be close to me (though I what do I know?) because he really isn't crazy about me. I mean, he tolerates me and thinks I am okay, but he would much rather be with his father, mother, aunt, grandma, grandpa, or even my mom or sister. Basically, anyone but me. Since I am his primary caregiver, he is really in a pickle. He does love my 7-year-old and the new baby, so at least he has that to distract him when his dad isn't around.

He has a fierce loyalty to his birth mother who has hopped in and out of his life. The therapist believes he takes out his frustration with his mother on me. She also says that if he loves me he feels he is betraying his mother. Now, maybe he takes my uw because he misses his mother, which I could buy. Only time with tell I guess, if he continues borrowing my things even though he has his own.

I appreciate everyone who posted his or her opinions. I especially appreciate the kind words, telling me I am a good parent. I rarely here that here since the stepmother is always wrong. My ILs are so critical and his mother is so out of it. They view me as hired help. I am good enough to do all the work, but god forbid if I step out of place and try to parent.

I am not perfect parent but I love my kids and want them to be happy and heathy. I am doing my best to do right by this child who isn't mine and to be honest doesn't much care for me. I love him though and I do not want him to suffer or be harmed because of my actions. That is why I came here, to hear from people who have been through this.

So thank you again for sharing your perspectives with me. The only "real life" exposure I have to crossdressing was a friend of the family. Apparently, he was a crossdresser and no one knew, including his wife. He committed suicide because the guilt and shame became too much. This was years ago and I was in high school but I remember thinking, "they (his family) would probably rather have him alive in a dress than no husband at all".

So now that my stepson may or may not be dealing with this, I am a bit panicky. I would like to prevent it getting even close to that point. We love him and want him with us no matter what. If that means he is a crossdresser, fine. If that means he wants to go through gender reassignment, fine. If this is a phase and he moves on, fine. We just want him to be happy.

[Tree GG]

When the girls would argue with me about a decision, I would sometimes just say "Because the Mommy Handbook" says I have to do it that way". Worked when they were younger....

My heart goes out to you, there is no right answer and either course has potentially serious consequences.

Put faith in your spouse & son's relationship. Your spouse's experiences will undoubtedly help your son realize no-one is trying to label him as bad. Young kids will emmulate the behavior they see (not just are told to do). If your in-laws aren't treating you with respect, he could think that is the expected treatment of you. Can you get your spouse's help there as well?

May the pieces all fall into place for both you & your family.

[cindyxdresser]

it doesnt matter if he is wearing them or not,he is stealing them from you and needs to be punished for it.You need to take him to the store and pick out several matching pairs of sexy satin lace bra and panties.It is up to you weather or not to let the cashier know they are for your sissy son or not.Since your son now has his own undies he needs to begin wearing them immediatly,Explain that he steals yours so you have to buy his own and as punishment he has to wear them.I bet he will love you buying them for him and when you force him to wear them he will not fight you,

[GypsyKaren]

it doesnt matter if he is wearing them or not,he is stealing them from you and needs to be punished for it.You need to take him to the store and pick out several matching pairs of sexy satin lace bra and panties.It is up to you weather or not to let the cashier know they are for your sissy son or not.Since your son now has his own undies he needs to begin wearing them immediatly,Explain that he steals yours so you have to buy his own and as punishment he has to wear them.I bet he will love you buying them for him and when you force him to wear them he will not fight you,

My first thought was to delete this post, that's how disgusting I find it. I'll just say that if this is how you truly feel, then I think you've got a serious problem.

Karen

[Shelly Preston]

it doesnt matter if he is wearing them or not,he is stealing them from you and needs to be punished for it.You need to take him to the store and pick out several matching pairs of sexy satin lace bra and panties.It is up to you weather or not to let the cashier know they are for your sissy son or not.Since your son now has his own undies he needs to begin wearing them immediatly,Explain that he steals yours so you have to buy his own and as punishment he has to wear them.I bet he will love you buying them for him and when you force him to wear them he will not fight you,


This is scary I agree he need to stop stealing them.
But why even think of humiliating someone in the shop
Cindy I assume when you were a teenager everything perfect

Her son is a young crossdresser who may be feeling a little ashamed at that fact right now
Teenagers need to be helped not forced deeper into the closet due to forcing him do do things
Teenagers dont react well to being forced it is most likely to cause trouble

He needs love and support and to know that he can ask his Mom for help