am i wrong here

[cdjenny]

am i wrong here or am i being a little shelfish? i'll start at the begin so you can get the picture... u c we have a son who was born with spina bifida...he has no feelings from the wast down...so after he was born she *(my wife)* go she got depressed...as one would expect.... so for the first 1 1/2 yrs of his life she was not in the picture..and thats ok i knew y..make a long story short..she got help for her deprection... i have not... well my son is 2 fixing to turn 3... right now he is in the hospital having back surgery...hes doing fine ladies...well i came home and had some time to think just for me..and i have not been home long as i want to be with my son... but the whole time i'm here my wife is calling me from hospital fussing at me cause i'm not there...am i wrong for taking time for me..to gather my thoughts.. if only for 5 or 6 hrs... or am i being selfish here.... i just need to know before i go insane over here...

[celeste26]

It seems your wife is just dealing with stress the only way she know how by blaming you. Itis well within the norm for her to feel this way but unfortunately it might mean that if your stress is equally bad it will cause problems.

I would always start with forgiveness for her. But tell her you need some short amount of time to rebuild your strength. If she still cant deal with it then you need to determine for yourself just how important your rest is to you.

I feel for you and will pray that everything goes well.

Blessings

[cdjenny]

you need to determine for yourself just how important your rest is to you.

I feel for you and will pray that everything goes well.

Blessings

i have thought about it alot and right now i just don't know... i mean i do love her..but...come on how much can any one person take... i find myself questioning... do i still love her the way i did when we first meet....my answer is right now i just don't know

[Emily Ann Brown]

Sometimes people react really weird to stress situations in their lives. Sounds to me like she still needs a little help. I have been going through an adult child fighting cancer. Wife and I have had some bad moments because we are both overstressed. Only you know when you have reached the "ready to blow" point sis.....and you need to take care of yourself for your child. I would guess you two need to trade off being there so BOTH of you can try to get a little rest for your soul and nerves.

Emily Ann

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Jenny

You've got to take some time for yourself, you need to be able to re-charge your batteries so you can handle it for the long haul. I speak from experience, my daughter was a preemie and in the hospital for 3 months, we lost her twin, we went through hell. A person can only handle so much, we're not superhuman, and everyone must deal with it in their own way, there's no right or wrong. Do what you've got to do for you, you'll need the strength to help your family. Take care, I'll keep you in my thoughts and wishes.

Karen

[JulieCDorlando]

hello Jenny,
I face a similar situation as what you are facing. I have a 23 year old daughter that has cerebal palsy, and confined to a wheel chair. And I too have had to deal with the emotions of a wife and deal with my own at the same time, when a child that is disabled and unable to understand or do anything for his or herself. My now ex laid many a guilt trip on me through the course of my daughters life,simply because I was dealing with everything else in our lives in addition to my daughter being in the hospital. Perhaps your wife has already laid a guilt trip on you to because you will not be there 24/7. Don't let that guilt get you. You are not doing anything wrong. Each of us handles stress differently. There isnt really a right way or a wrong, way unless you become physical, threatening etc. Then that is deffinately wrong.
First of all, in regards to your question about needing time off to recoup, I would agree that you do need a little time away to regain your strength in both and physically. Your wife may have had help in dealing with her depression intially, but you did not say if you received any at all. It helps to seek out some thrid party that will listen, a friend, a relative, a co worker, a therapist even, if only for your own well being. I imagine you have alot going on in your mind and your life in addtion to being the "bread winner", being a father, and husband, and the assorted other demands expected from you.
As you may know, women handle stress alot different than we do. We tend to keep things in( being non expressive), while women are naturally emotional, and certainly have no problems expressing themselves in any manner. When they express themselves in such a way where negative conotations are in that expression directed towards us wives, girl friends and/or significant others, do not realize, that adds stress to an already overloaded stressed out husband, and father, boyfriend etc. We normally are the ones that "fix things" that go wrong in our family whether it is the family car, the house, or issues involving finances etc. That is part of our mental make up. We were taught to be that way from an early age. The bottom line for you is just having to cope with an very stressful situation that is happening in your life right now. If dealing with that situation means stepping back and taking a few deep breaths then by all means do it if it helps. By you doing that you are able mentally, and physically to be the best you can be for your dear son at this time.
Please if you can, seek out someone that will listen to your frustrations, your concerns etc. It does help alot. I wish you all the best, and will pray to the Lord above for his devine intervention for your son.
:2c:

[Sandygal]

I'm so sorry for You, your wife and for your child. I have a 23 year old daughter who was born with water on the brain and had to have a shunt installed. We were told when she was 9 months old that she may not talk or walk and might be severely retarded. It was a tough time, we spent a lot of time at the childrens hospitol in Miami. The first thing you need to understand is that it is nobody's fault. It's just a part of life. Yes, you do need to take a break. Some weeks both of us would be at the hospitol and some weeks we took turns to get our strength back. Having a sick child can break up many marriges. This is the time were you find out just how much you love each other. Give each other some breathing space and some things you will say to each other that is mean. But remember, you are both under stress and most of what you say to each other is not on purpose. I want you to know that things will get easier over time. My daughter can walk and talk, please see if they have a Step By Step program in your area. My daughter has an IQ under 70. She will live with us forever, it's like having a 7year old forever. I look on the bright side. I get to be Santa Claus forever. So please work hard with your wife, you will be shocked how much love you will have for your child. It will still get hard at different times. The worst is when all your friends kids go off to collage and you have to listen to how wonderfull they are all doing. So you will have up times and down times, but you will make it. If you need someone to talk to, you are welcome to e-mail me. I have been going through this as I said for 23 years. It's hard to explain in a few words.

I wish for you and your wife a smooth path. Just kick the stones out of your way.....Sandy

[kittypw GG]

cdjenny,
If I am understanding the situation right, the boys mother is at the hospital with the child and you are taking some time to yourself? I don't see this as selfish. Anyone who has ever spent time in a hospital with a sick child will understand that you need to get away for a while and you prefer to do it when a family member can step in for you so that the child won't be afraid. . Parents often do this especially when that situation is a short term one and you want to provide round that clock coverage with the child. If it were a chronic or long term illness, round the clock coverage would be impossible for anyone. You would have to trust that the caregivers would call if the situation warrented. Your wife is being selfish and should give you the time you need as you would give her the same courtesy. Be a team. She should want you to get some rest so that you are fresh to take over and let her get some time alone.
Kitty