What do you know about fear?

[Sarahgurl371]

Hi all, I have been away for a bit. Still trying to sort this all out in my head.
Glad to see you are all still here. How come I feel a bit better now?

Over the last several months I have been seeing a therapist, and doing even more self analysis, (as if that where possible!) Anyway, I have come to the realization that FEAR plays a huge part in my life. You all know the fear I speak of? The one that says that we will lose everything good in our lives if we let this out of the box.

I have read several books on confronting fear, accepting fear, living with fear, etc. They all tell me that I should ask myself the question - what would I do today if I where brave? Like I don't know the answer to that one huh.

My therapist says that I need to make some friends with others, in real life. That I need to build a support network who will help me thru times of trouble. That sounds great. Then FEAR creeps in - The fear that my life is going to change drasticly once I embrace my desires, and find some support from others. Heck, just the fear of reaching out to others is overwhelming. It seems I know where the road is leading. But I am afraid.

I have used fear you see. I have used the fear of the worst imaginable things happening to my loved ones to control my impluses concerning all this. You know, if I do this, that will happen. All my life I have tried to control this thing. But it is relentless. Perhaps I have always known where the road leads. And I am afraid of that place. Maybe FEAR has convinced me that I cannot live without it? That I need it to save me from myself?

Just when you think there can be no more questions, there are. Not really sure where I am going here. Perhaps I just want to know how some of you deal with the fear.

[Amy Hepker]

There are many things in this world to worry about, but you don't need them on your shoulders. I am not afraid of much, but I am careful to not get into a situation where I can get into trouble. I am a truck driver, if I have anything to fear it is the person out there that just can't stand to be behind a Semi, so they pull out in front of you no matter how close you are to them (at 40 tons you can't stop on a dime). Fear I fear the guy who is going to end his life by running into the front of my truck on a 2 lane road because he no longer wants to live. There are many things out there to worry about don't put more on your shoulders. Live life to the fullest and enjoy the life you have. Life is to short to worry all the time. If I worried about everything I would just never do anything and never enjoy life. Dressing qives me the break I need to enjoy Life. How do you make yourself happy?

[Lauren B]

Hi all, I have been away for a bit. Still trying to sort this all out in my head.
Glad to see you are all still here. How come I feel a bit better now?

Over the last several months I have been seeing a therapist, and doing even more self analysis, (as if that where possible!) Anyway, I have come to the realization that FEAR plays a huge part in my life. You all know the fear I speak of? The one that says that we will lose everything good in our lives if we let this out of the box.

I have read several books on confronting fear, accepting fear, living with fear, etc. They all tell me that I should ask myself the question - what would I do today if I where brave? Like I don't know the answer to that one huh.

My therapist says that I need to make some friends with others, in real life. That I need to build a support network who will help me thru times of trouble. That sounds great. Then FEAR creeps in - The fear that my life is going to change drasticly once I embrace my desires, and find some support from others. Heck, just the fear of reaching out to others is overwhelming. It seems I know where the road is leading. But I am afraid.

I have used fear you see. I have used the fear of the worst imaginable things happening to my loved ones to control my impluses concerning all this. You know, if I do this, that will happen. All my life I have tried to control this thing. But it is relentless. Perhaps I have always known where the road leads. And I am afraid of that place. Maybe FEAR has convinced me that I cannot live without it? That I need it to save me from myself?

Just when you think there can be no more questions, there are. Not really sure where I am going here. Perhaps I just want to know how some of you deal with the fear.

I can relate to all of this. I think that I have become somewhat of a shut-in because of fear. I fear that cisgendered people are going to reject me as some sort of freak should I let my secret out, and I am afraid to reach out to TG people out of fear that I won't "fit in" with them, either.

I think a lot of the problem is that fear does protect us up to a point. It is healthy when it's kept in perspective. To some degree, fear has allowed us to get by in society, and even survive, right? Why do we look both ways before crossing the street? We're afraid of getting run over. Why do we not put our hands on hot ovens? We're afraid of burning ourselves. Why do we not all of a sudden one day just show up at work, or at a family gathering, presenting as the gender of our choice? Because we're afraid of the consequences, and rightfully so. But knowing when our fear crosses the line from being healthy to pathological is difficult; it is a very fine line.

Fear becomes unhealthy when it cripples our emotional development, though, and that's where I think you and I are stuck. I'll be the first to admit that even though I really don't have all that much to lose by just finally embracing who I am, I'm still afraid of losing "it all". That fear makes us forget that our worlds and our lives might actually become BETTER once we stop expending all this energy fighting who we are and what we want.

Ultimately, from my experience, learning about what we are afraid of helps a lot. For me to even be able to articulate any of this is a leap for me. However, at some point, I know I am going to have to just stop letting fear play such a huge part in my life, and there's no other way to do it than to do it.

Through all of that, my point is that I know exactly where you're coming from. You're not alone:hugs:

[Scotty]

Fear is to be conquered.

I wish I could describe a fear I had, I conquered this summer.

That fear I had 25 years ago, I faced it this summer. Still scared me bad (This is an extreme sport of course)...

I've already conquered heights by jumping from an airplane but I'm still nervous in heights if I have no control (Ie ladders etc).....

Conquer your fear with confidence. Sometimes it takes time but it works for me.

That said I have not conquered my fear of going out in public YET but I am going to!!!

[marie rose]

I think many of us can relate to this topic if we're honest with ourselves. I know I'm in that situation. I'm positive I would be much happier and contented if only I could surrender to the natural order and go with the flow, but I fight against that. Why? Because of fear. I can't completely let go of my old male persona. I rationalize by telling myself my 3 grown children won't understand. Or the old standby, I'm too old to start over and excuse after excuse. So time goes by and I remain unfullfilled and miserable. And the culprit is fear. It's odd because in my male life I was a pretty tough guy and not afraid of much. But this is different. It isn't fear of physical harm or injury. It's fear of what will people think and that is much harder to handle. I believe I fear how people will relate to me only because I have such a hard time accepting this part of me myself. If I could embrace this wonderful inner person and let her be free I expect most of my fears would diminish or evaporate completely. I think in my head I understand if I'm ever going to be truly happy I must work on that acceptance. So the conflict goes on.

[CaptLex]

I agree with Danielle - fear can be a good thing, since it can keep us from danger. But it can also be a hinderance when it keeps us from taking certain chances - it can be crippling. Fear of change is understandable, but nothing stays the same anyway. A wise person once said, the only constant is change.

I think what helps me get over certain fears (like coming out to people) is to imagine how I would feel at the end of my life. I could die tomorrow or I could live another 40 years, but at the end of that time I don't want to look back and regret not having done something, and by then it would be too late. I guess I have a thing about wasting time, because we don't know how much time we have.

I also remind myself that without fear there is no courage, and that bravery doesn't mean not being afraid, it means going forward through the fear. Hope this helps.

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Tammy,

I'm so glad to see you back here! (Nice avatar pic BTW. :thumbsup:)


My therapist says that I need to make some friends with others, in real life. That I need to build a support network who will help me thru times of trouble. That sounds great. Then FEAR creeps in - The fear that my life is going to change drastically once I embrace my desires, and find some support from others. Heck, just the fear of reaching out to others is overwhelming. It seems I know where the road is leading. But I am afraid.

I have used fear you see. I have used the fear of the worst imaginable things happening to my loved ones to control my impulses concerning all this. You know, if I do this, that will happen. All my life I have tried to control this thing. But it is relentless. Perhaps I have always known where the road leads. And I am afraid of that place. Maybe FEAR has convinced me that I cannot live without it? That I need it to save me from myself?

You and I have discussed this before (at length I believe) and this is at the heart of the matter. It's the fear of the unknown. As bad as things are now, it is a known quantity: you know what to expect, when to expect it and how to react to it. Making a change to the situation now introduces new factors, and the comfortable predictability is now replaced with unknown possibilities.

I like to abbreviate it all as FUD - Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt. Because we tend to have so many negative experiences with our transness, we come to see FUD as a natural part thereof and ultimately, allow it to rule our lives. FUD becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

As for dealing with it, it comes down to this: Can you reasonably continue to live the way you are now? Do you consider what you have now really living? Is what you have now worth the personal price you are now paying? We have discussed this as well, and as I recall, the answers to these questions were pretty much no, no and no.

Sometimes, we need to act in spite of our fear. When I approached HR to tell them I wanted to follow the women’s dress code, I realized that I was basically outing myself to my employer and to be honest, it scared the crap out of me. However, the need outweighed the fear. When I was asked to be the employee profile of the month for the Gay and Lesbian network – our LGBT organization – that scared me as well, as it amounted to outing myself to the entire firm globally. Again, I needed to act in spite of the fear.

Every time you take a step, the next step becomes just a little bit easier. This is not to say that nothing will change or that there won’t be negatives as a result, but you need to look at it from the perspective of the long run. Down the road, are your prospects of being ‘happy’ better? If you can answer ‘yes’, then you need to take that step. While overall I’m happier, it has cost me something. My wife and I have a very good relationship, but there is something different about it now which I find hard to explain. ( I need to stop before I start throwing another pity party. :( )

The bottom line is that you have to take that step sometime, and networking with some other people is a pretty safe way to start out. Having someone with whom you can sit and talk I think would do you a world of good Tammy, and it’s a small step. It need not change anything else in your life other than to show you that the world is not as scary a place as we make it.

We overcome our fears be deciding that we’ve had enough of being ruled by them.

I think it’s time to step out of the shadows and into the daylight – and let the world see just how beautiful a person you truly are.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Tammy

It's nice to see you again, I missed you!

I can tell you quite a lot about fear because it used to rule my life. Between the bi-polar and the PTSD, I used to be afraid of my own shadow, and I'm not exaggerating here. There was a point in my life when I couldn't even do simple things like go into a gas station and buy a pack of smokes if there were other customers there, I was to afraid, of what I'll never know or understand. I couldn't talk to people because my brain would freeze up on me, so I just always kept quiet. Life was not good.

So one day my p-doc asked me a simple question about all of this that really got me to thinking,"What's the worst thing that could happen if ...?" You can fill in the blank with anything, I first did it with coming out and living my life as a woman. I said this and that would happen, and the world would come to an end for me, and she just asked "Would it really?" So I got to thinking, and no, life would not end, the sun would still come up tomorrow regardless of me, life would go on.

So what did I decide to do about my fears of everything? I ignored it, because it was nothing, it wasn't really there. Most of the consequences were imagined, so none of it really existed, and things that don't exist can't hurt you. I know it sounds so simple, but give it a try, you'd be amazed at how good it works. Once you can get over fear, you discover something you've always had, strength. It's a power that lets you deal with anything and everything, and it's been there all along.

So how is it going for me now? I'm the total opposite of what I used to be, I enjoy all of the things I used to fear. I live full time as a woman now, and it's nothing for me to go to WalMart or the mall in a skirt on a Friday evening when it's the most busy, teenage girls be damned. Life is good, because the bottom line is this...despite all of my old fears of everything, nothing happened! Take care my friend, and be well.

Karen

[Maggie Kay]

Recently, I realized I too am far to much controlled by fear. My SO called me an "anxious person"... Not in an unkind way just to point out the facts. I am one of those who must have femme as much as I can until my fear stops it from going further. I will wear all femme clothes in public with pierced ears and a pony tail but not a skirt or dress. I get some looks but not nearly as many as I fear I do. Perhaps it is because of my age at over 50, we tend to blend in with the furniture. :D It is a constant battle to be who I am compelled to be yet manage that terror of the unknown. I really like what Karen's p-doc asked. "What's the worst thing that could happen if ...?" Bears a lot of thought for me. I really want to stop living in fear.

Kay

[sara_also]

I know this is way too simple of an explaination, but read into it what you must..

"to overcome fear I am a realist" simply meaning I always look at things from a realistic viewpoint..IE. people will read me...thats real..I like to dress...thats real...I can controll only certain things..thats real....some thimgs are important to me and not to others...thats real...
I know a lot of life is attitude....thats all ...just my :2c:

[MJ]

fear well all i can tell you is to just do it and deal with your fear when it comes up i had a lot of fear but i face it head on.. in the end it's all about you what do you want. i hope you can fight your fears.. you have some good advice here all i can say in the end it's up to you ..

[Calliope]

Small steps. Collect some successes then 'invest' them in more 'property.' I'm thinking of Monopoly here - my 7-year old daughter is fearless and she always wins - but you get the idea.