Given time

[Sandra]

OK Sandra’s not used to writing long posts hope this don’t bore you.

I was told about Nigella 6 months after we got married, as I have said before the hints were there but I just didn’t pick up on them.
I tolerated, not accepted her dressing for about 9 years, then one night things came to a head and I came clean. My exact words were “I f***** hate it”. This nearly destroyed us, I had lied to her and it took a long while for her to re-gain my trust. This is why now I always suggest to people to tell the truth from the beginning.

I was given the reins and it was me who decided when she dressed. From this point on it took another 8 years to get to the point we are at now which is Nigella dressing 24/7, which she has been doing for the past 2 years.

We have been married 19 years this last August, so give or take a couple of years it has taken me 8 years to FULLY ACCEPT not just tolerate the fact that my SO is a CD’er

So if you decide to you tell your SO, don’t expect things to be “hunky dory” the next day, week, month or even year. Small slow steps are better than none. Remember Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Just answer this question and then maybe you will understand.

How long did it take you to accept yourself as a CD ?

[Lisa Golightly]

Sage advice.

[Jaydee]

Sandra,
Good advice. I have been "dealing" with my compulsions for 40 years and I am not truely "accepting" yet. It is understandable that my wife would have a hard time with it too.

Jaydee

[princessmichelle]

Sandra,

Your post helped me.

Your analogy "how long did it take YOU to accept it" has done more to clarify the issue (of _other_ people's acceptance) than anything else I have read.

Sincerely,

"princess" Michelle

[sissystephanie]

"How long did it take you to accept yourself as a CD ?"
__________________

I had accepted the fact that I was a CD prior to my marriage. That is why I told my wife/Angel about it. As I have said in previous posts, she accepted it to the point of having me wear matching lingerie at our wedding. :2c: I do agree with the premise that if you can't accept yourself, how can you possible expect your SO to accept you? Be fair to both parties!

Sissy

More Girl tham man

[AmberTG]

A wonderful observation from the other side of the fence! I can understand how hard it must be for the SO when we have such a struggle within our own selves for understanding and acceptance. My x wife never did accept it and she knew about it from the beginning. My current wife has always accepted my CDing, I told her about it early in our relationship and she found it facinating. However, she has been having a hard time with my TG, it's a bit more than she bargained for, as she put it, she'd rather sleep with a man then a woman, I can understand that.

[Han]

It has taken me a lot longer to accept my gender than it did my SO.

[Satrana]

I tolerated, not accepted her dressing for about 9 years, then one night things came to a head and I came clean. My exact words were “I f***** hate it”. This nearly destroyed us, I had lied to her and it took a long while for her to re-gain my trust.

Phew Sandra!, that is very honest, my hat is off to you. I always thought GGs who pretend to be accepting to keep a relationship going were making a big mistake, as big a mistake as cds who hide their crossdressing in the first place.

So what made you change your mind? Was it the possible end of your relationship that made you step back and reassess? Did some thought tick inside your mind that made you think that maybe there was a way to accept crossdressing after all?

[Kate Simmons]

Good point Sandra. It took me 54 years to do exactly that. How could I ever expect my dear wife to accept it? She told me straight out last year, she doesn't want someone who is half a man and half a woman, she wants a man. Your thoughts bring home to me the way she must feel. I could probably go back and pretend Ericka doesn't exist like I used to but I wouldn't be true to myself if I did that. My two natures exist for a reason and knowing what I know now, I couldn't possibly go back. I love her and know she still loves me but we remain stymied because of who I am and who I must remain. No one ever said it would be easy. It's not over, however, until it's over. I wish things could be different but I would only exist as half a person if I "got rid" of Ericka. That's no way to live either, so I just take things a day at a time as they are.:happy: Ericka/Rich

[Sandra]

So what made you change your mind? Was it the possible end of your relationship that made you step back and reassess? Did some thought tick inside your mind that made you think that maybe there was a way to accept crossdressing after all?

At first I felt in control and when Nigella dressed I noticed how different she was, more easy going and not as moody. I think it had a lot to do with it happening over a period of time, it came to the point when I said to her dress when you want you don't have to wait for me to say, but she didn't go at it like "a bull in a china shop" she still took it slow and sometimes still asked if it was ok.

There isn't one thing that I can say "yeah that is what changed my mind" just little things that I noitced. I also found it easier when we told our friends, there was no more hiding if any of them came round, we could leave the curtains open and not worry about being seen, all little things that mounted up. :)

[Sheila]

Sandra,
as you well know things are okay one day between DH and me the next minute everything is up in the air (take last Friday night).



Sandra,

Your post helped me.

Your analogy "how long did it take YOU to accept it" has done more to clarify the issue (of _other_ people's acceptance) than anything else I have read.

Sincerely,

"princess" Michelle

:iagree: with the above and it is one post I will be directing my DH to tonight when he comes in from work -------- way long before I feed him --:tongueout :tongueout

Jess.

[gerdaberlin]

as my partner is just getting around the corner in the last year or so, I have been careful not to bring her into contact directly w my TG ventures. when she yesterday wanted to clean up my mobile of surplus fotos, guess what i had done w it weeks before! right. so first i tried to find some excuse, but immediately we were at this unspoken "who did you have fun with" situation, whre i immediately had to leap fw and tell her: "you dont REALLY want to see me dressed, do you?" that's when she backed up finally.. Q now, should I give her a chance to secretly view the pics or set up a PW:rolleyes: ??!

[RachelDenise]

Sandra, thanks for sharing your wisdom and insight with us. In fact, many who learn about their partner's Cding don't eventually accept, understand, or even tolerate over any amount of time. It is aprocess with many bumps along the way. Good luck to those who are in the middle of this event.

[Sandra]

as my partner is just getting around the corner in the last year or so, I have been careful not to bring her into contact directly w my TG ventures. when she yesterday wanted to clean up my mobile of surplus fotos, guess what i had done w it weeks before! right. so first i tried to find some excuse, but immediately we were at this unspoken "who did you have fun with" situation, whre i immediately had to leap fw and tell her: "you dont REALLY want to see me dressed, do you?" that's when she backed up finally.. Q now, should I give her a chance to secretly view the pics or set up a PW:rolleyes: ??!


Setting up a PW will just arouse more suspicions, tell her the pics are there if she wants to see them and try to talk to her more.

[Tree GG]

Admittedly there are some people whose definition of themselves cannot accept CDing. You'd think such personality traits would've been seen earlier in the relationship.

Sandra, thanks for sharing your time line. It gives us that are only a few months into it some hope.

[Sandra]

Admittedly there are some people whose definition of themselves cannot accept CDing. You'd think such personality traits would've been seen earlier in the relationship.

Sandra, thanks for sharing your time line. It gives us that are only a few months into it some hope.


My story is different to others, some my not take so long accept, I don't want to start a riot here but I was trying to get it over to the CDers that things just don't happen overnight and the more they try to rush and push the whole CDing then the more likley the SO is to blank it completley. :)

[Tracy_Victoria]

Hi Sandra

Not aiming for a toasting her, so I hope you can read this reply in the vain it writen in.

I fully Understand your post, and the aim of it, I'm sure you have talked to Raksha (my partner), or read posts of hers or replies in the GG section) and I totally agree with all you have said about going slowly.

However I have never ever had a problem with what I am, which is just a crossdresser! ie I love to do man things, but every once and a while I just want to be a girl (ok look like one. (and I supose If I'm honest my buzz about that is I can do it quite well, and if I could not, I might not actually want to crossdress anymore) However as far as accepting myself, I always have even when I was 8, when I started, and all through my life. Yes I have had the purge sessions but they have been due to moving or other reasons, but as for accepting I'm a crossdresser? I am, and happy to be so and never had a problem with it.

The one thing that concerned me about this posts is you,ve clearly struggled (as Raksha does now) to accept Nigella's dressing, and as you say it has taken you eight years to accept FULLY that Nigella Crossdresses. However from your statement Nigella clearly is more than just a crossdresser. to quote you about Nigella

"to get to the point we are at now which is Nigella dressing 24/7, which she has been doing for the past 2 years."

I'm not trying to be cynical or disrepectful her, and I agree fully with your posts comments, but to me the intepretation of crossdressing is to change from ones everyday wear to that of another gender. this clearly is not what is happening with Nigella as she is now dressing 24/7 therefore to me she is no longer crossdressing in my view, more living the role of her preffered gender which is that of a female totally.

I have no problem with this Sandra (at all) But I thought it was really important to point out that not all TV's/CD are actually looking for this in there partners, nor in there dressing, ie in my case I love to dress for a few hours, and I love to change back to the real me. I love being a guy, and i have no desire to go full term, live as a female, or be a female. to me my Crossdressing is a bit of fun, an off the wall hobby so to speak. Therefore I think it really great to see the support you lovingly give to Nigella, and good for you, and he is so lucky I hope he understands that. But I think it really, really important to point out that for some of us, our partners total acceptance is not going to lead them in to lossing the man they love, to a woman they helped in to his life.

Ie in my case, and I know in others, we are just happy to be guys in a dress every once in a while, and that is the total desire of our dressing.

I hope you understand the point I'm trying to make here, which is not to belittle your post, but to point out we have different goals in our dressing the S/O really need to find out what that goal is once there aware of there partners dressing.

[Tamara Croft]

I just thought I'd add my timeline too (hope you don't mind Sandra) but it took me 5 years, a break up and a whole lot of heartache to accept my partner is a CD. Two and a bit years on and I'm totally ok with it..... well..... I have my off days as everyone does with something, but 99.99% of the time, I'm fine with all of it. This forum helped me a lot when I first joined ;)

[Sandra]

Hi Tracy,

Yes I understand what you are saying, of course there is a lot out there who just want to dress once in a while and still be "blokie". Nigella still does the man things just because she wears female clothes all the time doesn't stop her, obviously she doesn't wear a skirt when working under the car ;)


more living the role of her preffered gender which is that of a female totally.

This bit I do disagree with :) Nigella does not want to be a different gender she just likes to wear the clothes, makeup etc.


But I think it really, really important to point out that for some of us, our partners total acceptance is not going to lead them in to lossing the man they love, to a woman they helped in to his life.

This is true, I have not lost the man I love, underneath the clothes she is still that man, she doesn't want or need to go done the TS route so for me the man I love will always be there.

You've raised some good points Tracy thanks :hugs:

[Tracy_Victoria]

I have my off days as everyone does with something, but 99.99% of the time, I'm fine with all of it. This forum helped me a lot when I first joined ;)

I think anyone of Us CD's/TV's that thought our partners would accept us 100% must be mad.

We all have Our bad days, and I'm sure you all sometimes must think why the hell am I doing this.

But remember girls, we are oh so grateful for what you can accept. Raksha is probably 100% totally understand, yet she still can't be in the same room as Tracy. However I'm so grateful for her understanding, and to be able to talk to her now when I need to, and hopefully one day? (but if not, I count my blessing for what I have)

[Sandra]

I just thought I'd add my timeline too (hope you don't mind Sandra) but it took me 5 years, a break up and a whole lot of heartache to accept my partner is a CD. Two and a bit years on and I'm totally ok with it..... well..... I have my off days as everyone does with something, but 99.99% of the time, I'm fine with all of it. This forum helped me a lot when I first joined ;)

Don't mind at all Tamara :)

I too found a forum a great help I realised that I wan't the only GG whos hubby dressed.

[Tracy_Victoria]

Hi Tracy,

...

You've raised some good points Tracy thanks :hugs:

Thanks for understanding and reading the post in the spirit it was mean to be taken in. Ie we are all very different. therefore as Raksha and I have learned the more we talk, the more it helps.

Good luck to you and Nigella,