"coming Out" ~ To The So

[Jillian310]

There are many threads about the CDer “coming out” to the SO. I don’t believe that the term is being used correctly, and in fact has been hi-jacked from it’s legitimate use, which is homosexuals announcing to their family and social circle that they are gay. In the most accepted usage of ‘coming out’, the announcement is widespread without reservation or selective telling.

It seems to me that what is described as ‘coming out’ on this site is something else entirely ~ it is merely expanding the closet of the closeted CDer to bring the SO into it. The result of this so-called ‘coming out’ is where there was previously one dressing in secret, now the secret is shared with another. And as I read this board, some of the ‘conditions’ of the ‘coming out’ are that the secret must remain between the two, and strict rules about how and where the dressing can continue are established, usually by the SO. If there was a true ‘coming out’ in the accepted usage of the term, the ‘coming out’ would include a general public statement to family and the social circle, and the dressing would then be very public, perhaps on a 24/7 basis, just as the ‘outed’ homosexual is publicly gay from then on.

In this day and age, it takes a special CDer to ‘come out’ 24/7 for a variety of reasons, and in my experience, they are few and far between. For the rest who have shared the secret with the SO, being in the closet with them thereafter is a more accurate and realistic description of the situation.

[sarahtv]

So should we change the term to "coming in"?

The thinking being that instead of everyone knowing, you are inviting people into the "Circle of trust".

[Bonnie D]

I think the term "coming out" is still valid whether it be one person, your SO, or to the world. You are alone in the closet, glbt, and by telling someone, you are no longer in the closet for that person. If you come out to a group or the world then you are out to them or completely out.

"Out" also doesn't mean that you are running around telling everyone. It means you are not going to hide the fact if asked.

I know I've read that by "coming out" to your SO you are actually bringing her/him into your closet. I think that is true but I still see it as being "out" to her/him.

Again it is just a "label"

Bonnie

[Paula Thomas]

Jillian - See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coming_out

In part:

"Coming out of the closet" (very often shortened to "coming out" in winking reference to the public introduction of debutantes) describes the voluntary public announcement of one's (often homosexual or bisexual) sexual orientation, sexual attractions, gender identity, or paraphilia.

Being "out" means not concealing these characteristics. Being "outed" refers to having these characteristics made public typically against one's wishes or without one's consent. "Outing" is the process of deliberately disclosing these characteristics of another who presumably wants to keep this information private.

End of first excerpt.

Note that the reference "coming out" originally related to "the public introduction of debutantes", and not originally related to sexual orientation.

Excerpt continued:

The coming out process

Coming out has an etiquette of its own, developed through the experiences of people who did it in a way they later decided was inappropriate and more stressful than it had to be. It is generally suggested to avoid coming out during holidays and at other stressful times, such as during an argument.

Coming out is a process, and often a gradual one. It is common to come out first to a trusted friend or family member, and wait to come out to others. Some people are out at work but not to their families, or vice-versa. Still, one does not typically "come out" and have it done with; one must continue to out oneself with every new acquaintance and in most new situations.

End of second excerpt.

So....... "coming out" is a process, and may not be a complete outing.

[LaurenInDC]

I'm curious, you say "announcing to their family and social circle". Yet, if someone is "outed", my understanding is that this act is involuntary but has the same general effect. My two cents worth is that to "come out" means to disclose. There is no guarantee that an SO, or anyone else will actually KEEP the "secret", especially if they (and you) feel that it isn't something to be ashamed of. I have asked those who know about my alter ego to show discretion - mainly that I should have the say over who they tell should they use specifics. Yes, we live in a society that continues its intolerance to those things which are not time-honored and well-defined "norms". These issues have existed since time immemorial, and will continue to do so long into the future. But there IS hope. Racism and homophobia still exist, and even flourish in some places. But as humans, we are becoming less and less tolerant of it and see it, rather than those who are "different", as abhorrent.

I'll stop preaching now and pas the collection plate... :2c:

-L

[thea]

"Coming out" sounds much more positive than "bringing someone into your confidence." For most of us, I think, we're sharing our secret with significant people. We do look for the day when we can be open, but society probably won't be so amenable.

[Jillian310]

As Peter O’Toole said in The Last Emperor, “…Words are important. An educated person says what he means, and means what he says.” Despite the predictable rationalizations found above, and the hi-jacking of the term to fit that rationalization, ‘coming out’, and being ‘outed’, are NOT appropriate terms to use when revealing that one is a cross dresser. Those terms are appropriate for revealing or being exposed that one is a homosexual or is bisexual. By using those terms interchangeably to describe revealing cross dressing to another or others is confusing and muddies the waters to say the least. When I learn that someone is ‘out’ or has ‘come out’, by definition I believe that person is a homosexual or is bisexual, and I daresay I am far from the only person that reaches that conclusion. For those heterosexual cross dressers that don’t desire to be considered by others as being homosexual or bisexual, it would be better to use an appropriate term that accurately describes the status. For example, being an un-closeted cross dresser or a non-closeted cross dresser. On the other hand, for those of us that are homosexual or bisexual, being an ‘out’ or ‘outed’ cross dresser would be accurate.