I need some advice girls :(

[angelinamillar]

Hi Girls,

It has been a while since I last posted on here, u know life and such however I have found myself in a very difficult posistion which I am quite sure many of you have been in or are in. I have been with my girlfriend for many years and love her very much and of course loving her instills trust, Hence why I told her about my crossdressing early on in our relationship. Now at the time our relationship started I had not fully understood why I do what I do , well really I still don't fully understand. But my point is that over the years my need to crossdress has spiralled almost to the point of being out of control. I have been shaving my legs for a few years now knowing that she does not like it yet here I am still doing it. I can not stop but feel that I can not go on like this. This is a secet I keep from my friends which gives be deep feelings of guilt that I am not being truthfull to them, well except my best friend who is cool about it, however the woman I love just does not understand, I do not know whether it is that she does not want to or just can't. I think maybe my problem is not everyone elses acceptance of this, but mine, and until I can fully accept it then I can not move forward. But saying this is far harder than actually doing it. This feeling I have of frustration is becoming overwhelming and I do not not want to lose this woman in my life as she is everything to me and it hurts so bad that she does not understand how I feel. This is NOT a choice I made in my life and I firmly believe that this is who I am and that I was born this way and in so many ways wish that I had not have been. Please if anyone knows of any good reading material with any good advice or any of your own please let me know or even any GG's who might be able to speak to her and help try make her understand. Thank you :sad:

Angelina

[LaFem]

What you describe happened to me. At first, my wife was accepting. As I got more and more involved with CD, my wife grew more and more distant. I let it happen; I made a choice, although it was really the only choice I could have made. It cost me my wife. I still love her. Nothing is easy in marriage, especially when the man wants to be a woman. At least you are not married yet. It does not sound like she will ever accept where you are and where you want to go. Good Luck!

[kathy gg]

Angelina,

That is one heartfelt and worried sounding post.

I think it is conmendable that you came out to her when you did. I also understand that as one matures and grows and learns about themselves thing *might* change and progress {I hate that phrase "out of control"}. Because I do believe that each of us has some *control* over maybe not who we are internally, but how and when we choose to express who we are. Unless one is a transexual...there is probaby some level of *control* which you do have. I think repression and stifleing who one is can do no good in the long term for one's mental well being though.

But knowing when and where and how to express who you are, and to do so in a responsible and thoughtful way is possible. It is because I know many cd's who balance family/married life quiet well and also do not ignor and pay respect to their tg self too. This balance CAN be achieved, it is possible and it can happen when one takes moves to do so.

Yes, coming to terms with one's self is a HUGE key in finding acceptance in others, finding balance too. I really feel that when a person is happy and peaceful and love's {and I don't mean self gratifitccation}...but loves who they are in their herat and soul...that stuff is evident to the world and the people around you. Those positive vibes and comfort about what and who you are come out in your actions and in your words and in your body language. People who are uncomfortable, who are denying or feel guilt or shame about who they are...well that shows too. People who trudge around their baggage and past mistakes move forward at a snails pace in this journey.

I can't tell you how to achieve this this inner peace, because each person gets to that at their own pace. But I believe {in a generic description} it comes from self reflection, it comes from asking yourself hard quetsions, and answering those quetsions truthfully and then facing those truths. All of us have inner struggles we must overcome and fight and then in that resolution we will find happiness and shed all those things like guiult and shame and regret.

So going back to your original question.....
you asked if there is reading material which will MAKE her understand. Well as with most things in life....you can lead a person to information, but if they choose to absord it and truly learn it....well ultimatly that is something the person has to want. So does she *want* to learn? Because I can point you to books, I can point you to my SO only yahoo group....we can welcome her to the forum in the gg area....us gg's can all send her our personal emails addys...but unless she wants to talk to us, unless she wants to read those books, and join these groups.....it won't matter. She has to want to know what all this means.

Has she expressed a desire to learn more about this part of who you are? Does she know this is not a choice you have made....but that cding is a part of who you are? Hae you clearly laid out a personal explanation regarding how deep and meaningful this is to you. Otherwise...well she is no mind reader....few of us are.

IN the end you are the best educator of who YOU are. She can learn about crossdressing, she can learn about other's relationships...she can even see stuff which might freak her out...but no matter what I cannot educate her on who YOU are....only YOU can do that.

Please feel free to pm me if you do want more info on my Yahoo SO only group.

I think your relationship does have hope ...if indeed she is ready to begin her eduation in the subject of YOU.

Most sincerely

[dancinginthedark]

You state that the need to CD has spiraled almost to a point of being out of control and that your S/O is unaccepting. How can you believe she can accept you if you yourself have not? You are understanding that your own feelings have changed, so how about extending the same to her? Maybe you minumized your situation to begin with or didn't let her know your feelings kept growing? You don't clearly say one way or another so we have to guess.

You also stated you continued to shave your legs, and have for years, knowing your S/O was not cool with it. Why do you expect her to accept your feelings when you have not accepted hers.

Perhaps you need to stop expecting everyone else to do the work here. First you expected your S/O to do it. (Fully accept you and do it even if it means ignoring her own comfort levels or needs) And now you want someone else to speak to her or find and then send something for her to read that will somehow magically do the job for you. The person to help her accept you is standing on the other side of that mirror you look into everyday.

[Sheila]

Angelina,
I am relatively new to this cding, I only found out 3 month ago that my partner is a crossdresser, and he will be the first to tell you that when he came out to me I was okay with it, after all it was only lingerie right.

Thats what he told me at that time --and I believed him then and still do now --- but ????? 3 month on we have (yup i am still saying we) wig, shoes,skirts of various lengths, a minidress (darn the fem she has better legs than me).tops of various colours and cuts --- a wardrobe that had to have a new clothes rail put in cos the other one bent so much with the weight it fell down :D --

Now and this is important, when I first found out I was worried about losing this guy I loved to full srs oneday, and it still scares me to death, having said that I do aknowledge that it is because he has my support that he has come so far in such a short space of time, but it dosen't stop me worrying. The thing that is freaking me at the moment is the tucking ---- I know the reason behind it and can understand why it is done, at the moment though it is beyond my comfort zone but I am trying to deal with it, I haven't asked him not to at the moment but I may even if it is for a short time, I don't know. I do not want to police his crossdressing, he is an adult and entitled to do adult things as I am, but there are days I am scared of losing him.

I don't know if this helps at all if not just ignore it.

We have areally goog GG section here if you g/f is a member if she isn't and dosen't want to join if you PM me I will give you my email address if she wants to talk to me.

Jess

[DonnaT]

...the woman I love just does not understand, ... it hurts so bad that she does not understand how I feel.

How do you know she doesn't understand (not the same as acceptance, btw)?

What have you told her? What has she told you?

What do you understand? Where do you see yourself in five years with respect to being trans?

http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm

There are books by Helen Boyd (http://www.helenboydbooks.com/) and by Peggy Rudd (http://www.transgendercare.com/bookreviews/crossdressing/whos-really-from-venus-tale.htm), which may help, but if you don't understand yourself, then when your GF asks questions after reading the books, how are you going to be able to answer them.

[anilparmar]

I can very much understand your problem as I am CD since I was ten. Since then even at the cost of being caught by a few sections of public, and once even with the complete danger of being trapped by the punks and converted into their community, I have not been in a position to stop my urge.

[crossing-the-rain]

What you describe happened to me. At first, my wife was accepting. As I got more and more involved with CD, my wife grew more and more distant. I let it happen; I made a choice, although it was really the only choice I could have made. It cost me my wife. I still love her. Nothing is easy in marriage, especially when the man wants to be a woman. At least you are not married yet. It does not sound like she will ever accept where you are and where you want to go. Good Luck! re: Lafem's reply
Totally agreed with Lafem,I told my wife before we married,she accepted and even insterested and asked me so many times to dressed up when we had sex,but a long period without Cding,and after I was sick for years,all of a sudden,Cd became her weapon to attck,against me with children or without them.However,she said to me one time only"she wants her husband is a man not a woman "! I think that can explain it all.
You are young and not married ,you have time to make a choice,ask yourself what you want and what you want to be,no one can help you except yourself.
Another good luck !
Rain

[tall_brianna]

I can't help you with what to do WRT the SO. I thinking KathyGG and others are speaking volumes of wisdom already.

WRT the friends and feeling guilty for not telling them, I will pass on a piece of advice recently received. Most people don't deserve to know. Others may not want to know. Of course, if you are planning on popping up at the next non costume event in full femme you might want to a few people a little notice. Try just letting down the overact a little.

Good luck,

-b

[angelinamillar]

Thank you all for some very interesting answers especially Kathy, You are a very special and understanding person, and to all of you who took time time to answer me. :happy:

Hugs,

Angelina

[Charity's GG]

I empathize with you...I see daily the struggles my husband goes thru with this. Ive known about him for 13 years...

As far as accepting him? I have. It's part of who he is. BUT even after 13 years there are days I wish it would just disappear. Theres times I feel like I'm competing with the "other woman". When she's here its all about her. No consideration for me or how I feel. There are times I just want "my man"...hairy legs and chest and a strong shoulder to cry on.

I completely understand the excitement of telling your So your secret, but sometimes us GG's get freaked out. Yes we accept and we try to learn more about it, but sometimes we need time to reflect on it. We need time to absorb this part of who you are. Sometimes it doesnt help that once we know, the "other woman" is pushy and wants to be noticed more and more. When Charity is here, its all about her her her and some of the ideas and thoughts she has are sometimes hard to swallow.

Just be there for your SO...let her know shes still number one in your life...not the "other woman"

Have a wonderful day!!...Charity's GG