Hi, I'm confused! Advice appreciated.

[pocoyo]

Hi guys, nice to meet you.

Er I was wondering if some of you could give me some advice? I am so confused and my counsellor thought it would do me good to talk to some other people like me.

I don't know whether I am a girl or a boy! I yearn for a male body and to socialise with people as a male. I hate having boobs and often wish so much that I had a penis.

I don't really want to have sex as a female. Even though I have before, I always felt a bit "invaded" and wished that I was the one with the male body. (I am into guys btw). I always used to tease my boyfriends "what would you do if you found out I used to be a boy?" Just so some part of me could be male. I also feel envious of their male bodies and inferior as a girl. I would love to make love as a male. The thought of making love as a female disgusts me now.
Perhaps the thoughts and feelings I have are shared by many "normal" females. Hmm.

Since a little kid I have always been a tomboy (I'm 25 now), playing with boys toys, and not impressed with many girl's toys or dresses etc. I have also asked people to call me by boy's names since as young as 3 years old.

Other people love me as a girl (I scrub up as being a quite attractive female). But I am just so much more relaxed as a guy. My mum couldn't accept the thought of me as a guy 'til I showed her some pics and she said actually I make a handsome boy and has started to slowly see this other side of me.

I am so confused because I make a good girl AND a good guy and sort of enjoy being either and I don't know which one is me (but surely the core of me is the same person?!) To be honest, right now I would feel happier with a male body (which I fantasise about having like every day). I have never liked having boobs or a girl's body.

My mum says she would miss her "lovely daughter" if I changed but would still love me whatever I did. Oh dear I just don't know what to do!

I have a strong feeling that I am a gay or bi sexual man in a girl's body. I remember being about 5 and saying to a girl "I wish I was a boy then I would marry you." I also remember at secondary (high) school a girl saying to me "you should have been born a boy" and I said "I know". Funnily enough I have never been attracted to females as a girl (although ironically I was bullied for being a lesbian even though I wasn't one!) but as a GUY I would like to try being with a girl. When girls flirt with me or kiss me, the boy in me just loves it!

Oh btw often when I am in a slightly grumpy mood I HATE it when customers at work call me "love" or "darlin'" etc (unless it's a lady) and feel like screaming "I'M A GUY, DON'T CALL ME LOVE!!" Or when people say "give the money to the lady/girl" *shudder*.

Perhaps the reason I yearn for maleness is because I love the male form? Or perhaps I just love the male form so much because that is what I want to be? Perhaps it's a mixture of both, aarrrgh!

I also worry that perhaps I am just acting as some character I have created (as a guy). But then, I was putting on an act being girly with some of my boyfriends so... which is the real me anyway? aarrgh! Or perhaps I've just got used to being a guy because my main socialisation at the moment has been on the internet with people that don't know I have a female body (I don't go out much at the moment due to an illness I am recovering from). Or maybe I'm turning myself in to a guy I'd like to be WITH.

Oh also I pretend to be a guy at home on my own and when I was younger when playing pretend with my best friend I would always be a man and never want to be a girl.

Another great source of confusion is: When dressing to do stuff for the day I get very muddled up as to how to make myself look and how I want to be percieved by people. People are nicer to me when I act girly and wear make up.
I can just pass as a boy in real life (I pass fairly easily online on webcam and stuff) but I look really young in real life as a boy which can be annoying. Also it's hard to hide my boobs and butt/hip shape but cos I'm a rock/emo/skatery type person I can get away with baggy clothes. I am losing weight at the moment anyway (I'm not overweight though) but I'm losing it to shrink my boobs and butt!

:eek: confusion!

Er anyway I could go on and on but that's a rough, fast explanation.
So sorry that this is so long and thank you for reading and any help or advice would be HUGELY appreciated!!!

p.s. I did an online "Brain Sex ID" quiz on the bbc science and nature website and although I was very good at some of the female things like knowing how people are feeling from their eyes, I was also terrible at some of the female things and I was average or great at the male things and my end result was my brain was more male than female. (There are lots of females with good-at-male-activity brains and lots of males with good-at-female-activity brains anyway though but I just thought it was interesting.)

pocoyo

[Adam]

only you no how you feel and im no doctor so i wont go and tell you what i think you should do.

but id like to welcome you to the gruop now sounds like to me you are eather male or you could be gender anbusus (sorry i cant spell) what it means is you are neather male nor female you feel you are somewhere in the middle i have freinds like this and thats cool.

why not try traveling out of your home town/city and go out as male for a hole day see how you feel see if it feels right for you explore diffent ways of dressing youl soon find a look that makes you feel comfy and also as male but cool thing is if you dont feel right you can go home and try something diffent another day.

i was 25 when i first came out to my family as ftm sounds like your mum would be very supportive so thats good haveing family always helps when they are with you.

maybe a counceller would help talk thu things with you or even find a local support group so as you can meey others and chat about how you feel.

anyways we are here for you and any questions you got please ask and we will help if we can

take care

[pocoyo]

Aww thanks so much for your reply :)

Travelling to a different town and just being a boy sounds really good, I'd love to do that. The thing is I have panic attacks at the moment and get anxious travelling (cos of a darn annoying illness I'm recovering from) but I'm getting better and I will try that some time soon I hope.

I do go out round the town where I live as a boy lots, & sometimes go to work looking very boyish, but yeah it would be better to go where my face isn't familiar cos I'm sure people have seen me as a girl and just think I'm a girl.
Mind you, the other day someone called me young man and a gentleman. It felt so good! :D

I am seein a counsellor at the moment but he is a general counsellor, not like a specialist in gender stuff. I wonder if he will refer me onto someone more specialised or perhaps he will be able to "diagnose" me. Hope so.

At the moment I just feel like getting really thin and growing my hair proper long again and looking like a female/like I used to look again and letting my old friends and family see me as a good female and thinking I look nice and cool. So then that would be their lasting memory of me and they'd think that's me. Then I'd move away somewhere (when I was on T) and start anew as a man and never tell anyone I used to be a girl and just get on with my life as a male, feeling all happy and relaxed. I would grow some nice stubble (I want to do that so much!) and have a lovely male voice, and have relationships with people as a guy. ahhh.

The thing is... I'm only 5'2/5'3 with no shoes on. Boy that gets me down. It's not very manly is it? :( I'd like to be at least 5'6. .. perhaps one day I will have that leg lengthening operation (OUTCH!) but the risk of DVT is pretty scary. Also... I'm terrified of operations, so to become a complete male would be pretty hard if I needed to get rid of my boobs that way. Plus I would so want bottom surgery. I would want to be a complete male u know? The thought of general anasthetic just freaks me out though.

Ah I seem to be waffling on again sorry.

Thanks so much for your supportive reply Adam!

[Adam]

being 5ft 3 with shoes on im also short but i dont let it get me down as people come in all sizes.

as for your boobs you can do what they call binding i mean dont do it all the time because you can flattern them but upto 6 hours a day is fine you can buy vests for this job and they work well im flat with mine and im a 38c last time i was mesured abouot 10 years ago anyways loseing weight or gaining it wont make much change to breast size i mean it may do a tiny bit but its much better to be heathy then unheathy and also dont rush the boat about ops just yet i think what you should do is find out in your own time whats best for you and then if you do get to the point of chest op youl no your ready.

i hope i havent said anything outta place and i wish you well

[CaptLex]

Hi Pocoyo, and welcome to the forum. :welcom: You've come to the right place - there's plenty of people here (male, female and somewhere in between) who can relate to what you're saying. I think Adam has given you great advice. Whether you're male, female, a mix of both or not really either, we can't tell you who or what you are (no one can, actually), but we can share some of our experiences with you and maybe that will help you figure it out. Only you have the answer - somewhere inside you.

It's good that you're seeing a counselor, but I think a gender therapist (if that's possible) would be even better. They're better trained and more aware of these issues. It would also be great if you could find a support group in your area, but if there isn't any, feel free to drop by here - it's a great source of information and at least you'll know that you're not alone.

I can relate to a lot of what you said, and I know some of the other guys here can also. Sometimes we know the truth about ourselves deep inside, but we're afraid to let other people down by letting it out (especially family), and we try to be what they want us to be. Sometimes we're not sure about ourselves because we don't always feel the same way - one way one day and a different way another day. And it's confusing because it's hard to tell how much is really how we feel, and how much is wishful thinking.

Looking back throughout my life, I realize now that there were lots of clues about my real self all my life, but I just didn't know how to put them together and solve the puzzle. Some of those clues sound like some of your thoughts: wanting to play with boys' toys, hating being called by sweet, endearing names, having a male name since I was young. In my case, I would say I was confused by the ups and downs of the hormones that were fighting it out inside me. Now that the hormones are mostly stabilized, it's a lot easier to see the reality.

I wish you luck and I hope you find your own answers. We're here if you need us. Again, welcome. :wave2:

P.S. You're not alone - I'm 5'2".

[pocoyo]

Wow thank you so much for replying, and so fast!!

Capt - what u says makes so much sense thank you very much. It's so good to connect with others who know how I feel!
What you say about clues through your life... that sounds so familiar. And the "knowing the truth deep inside" but not wanting to upset your family.
I would love to go to a group but no there isn't one in my area :( Well not one that I've been able to find. I would also love to see a gender therapist. I will mention that to my counsellor. Thank you.


And wow! I'm not the only one that's short, awesome! Thanks Capt & Adam for letting me know you're small too! Yeah I should take a leaf out of your book Adam and remember that people come in all shapes and sizes :) I notice that a lot of guys I see out lately (who come in the shop) seem to be pretty short! (yay). Thank you.

Oh PS. Adam... I wear a tight sports bra (I hate it, its so uncomfortable) often even when I'm out "as a girl" and I do often bind with a bandage thingy over the top of that at home. I've been too scared to get a vest to bind too tight incase it damages the tissue in my boobs or makes them saggy. They're not huge or anything but they are obviously waay too big for my liking. (about a 34b/c).
I just remember that when I was a bit thinner they were smaller and also once I accidentally lost some weight and someone said they looked smaller so ... well, can't wait to get smaller ones! (Don't worry I won't go all anorexic!)

I'm not like new at being a cross-dresser/someone with gender issues. I'm just new at actually speaking to others who feel the same. And relatively new at taking some positive action (telling people properly & investigating it properly and perhaps starting to do something about it).

So thank you so much guys. You are lovely.

PPS - good to see another Jack Sparrow fan CaptLex :) hehe

[Felix]

Hi Pocoyo and welcome to the forum. You will find this forum a diverse place, a very warm and welcoming place. I myself am 5ft if I'm lucky on a good day lol! I don't let it get me down. It took me till I was almost an adult to reach 5ft and now I'm 40 and think I'm shrinking lol! I don't think It makes for a lesser man if he is small cos it's the person inside that counts. Anyways enjoy ya self her it's a great place to be xx Felix :hugs:

[pocoyo]

Thank you for the welcome Felix!
Awwww 5 foot. How cute. Personally I think small guys are the coolest. I just worry that other people would think I was a not a proper guy because I'm small.
But you're right, that's probably just silly thinking. I mean hey... some of the coolest guys are short! Look at michael j fox! lol!
I loved it once when I had a short boyfriend almost my height. It was so nice to feel equal and he was at the perfect height to kiss :) ahhh.

Thanks so much for the nice welcome. xx

[mistunderstood]

Welcome to are little home here. Have fun.

[pocoyo]

Thank you :)

[bi_weird]

Hey!
Welcome to the forum! This really is a wonderful to explore all sorts of ideas, and the mods really are wonderful. (When I'm down about things, sometimes even when it has nothing at all to do with gender issues, I tend to just hang around and read threads and it makes me happy.)
I can connect with a lot of what you're saying, about feeling both sides and all, especially around boys or family. My boyfriend brings out this girl in me i never knew existed, and I end up enjoying that person sometimes. Then there are days when my breasts weird me out like no other and I really wish I could just chop off my hair and get on T. As for how to reconcile the two...I have no idea. Thing is, you don't have to be one or the other. Split the middle, or switch-hit, whatever works for you. It's totally cool to be androgynous, and I end up having 'boy' days and 'girl' days. Don't try to put yourself in a box: if you do fit one side, you'll figure that out in time.
Hope you find yourself a nice place here.

[Abraxas]

Hey there, and welcome! Always nice to have new folks around to shoot the breeze with.

As to your confusion-- that's commonplace around here. We all pretty much get what you're going through, because we're there, or have been there, too. Not saying we know exactly what's going on in your head, but I'd say we've got a pretty good idea.

Now, it sounds to me like you've got some gender dysphoria going on, and that you're probably trans like a lot of us here.

I totally get being pissed off with people calling me pet names or using any sort of female pronoun, and it always feels good when people call me sir or dude or whatever. So you're definitely not alone in that.

Either way, you'll figure out what you need to do, and what feels right. It always takes time though, so don't worry. We're here if ya need to chat.

[Xaff]

Welcome Pocoyo.
I just have to say, you're story realy looks like mine. I reconize very much details of your story also in my story.
And don't bother about about you're heighth, I figured out I am +/- 4 feet 8. (1,51m) I am also not that tall. :thumbsup:

(short message I know but it's here late, see ya tomorow :D )

Morgan,

[pocoyo]

bi weird! Hi :) Thanks very much for kind words. You make a lotta sense. Your post made me smile.

Abraxas Cheers! Thanks for encouraging words, really means a lot.
Btw I checked out your website quickly, looks very interesting. You have great taste in actors/music etc. I'm a musician too! :)

Morgan Hello. Good 2 know and thank you! :D Catch ya later.


This morning I was thinking about this forum and it was such a relief to feel that I have connected with others who feel the same/similar, and that you have been so kind and encouraging.
Thank you so much guys for all your excellent and caring replies.

You rule.

pocoyo

[Tamara Croft]

Just wanted to pop in and say :welcom: to the forum Pocoyo ;) I'm glad you have found others to talk to about how you feel, helps so much doesn't it?!? :)

[pocoyo]

Hey Tamara, nice to meet you :)
Thanks very much, I'm so glad too...Ah yeah it's so good.

[Charleen]

Hi pocoyo, had to pop in and add my welcome. No, you're not alone. The support on this site is amazing!
I'm M2F, yet I can relate. Take everything you said and flip it, and you have me. Love and xxxx, Lily

[pocoyo]

Hi Lily :)
Thank you!
Aww bless you. Bloomin' confusing isn't it?!
Thanks very much xxxx to you too :D

[tekla west]

Jung - and others - would say that we all all male AND female, in differing amount at different times in our lives.

While this forum - and others like it - is good, real life support is better. Try to find some group in your area. You are not alone by any means. As Jerry used to sing "we're all confused, so what's to lose?"

[pocoyo]

hi tekla,
yeah i think thats true, that we are all male and female :)
I would love to find a group in my area but I don't think there are any. I will keep looking though.
Thanks very much!

[KateW]

Welcome to the forums pocoyo. I always struggled between my masculine and feminine sides, but have come to accept that both make me who I am.

[Kieron Andrew]

hi tekla,
yeah i think thats true, that we are all male and female :)
I would love to find a group in my area but I don't think there are any. I will keep looking though.
Thanks very much!
where are you located pocoyo? i'll have a look around for you online

[janedoe311]

Here is a copy of what I said in another thread.
http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43109

So because of my age, wife and family, home I have to stay the way I am. I can not even crossdress to speak of because I have no time to myself.

I do not like my body. I do not like my part "down there" and feel that I should have breasts. I feel degraded and aggressive making the first moves and putting a part of me in someone. I have a "want" to feel something in me . So in another life I would have to be female.

In this life I can do nothing about it.

Am I messed up? OH YES.

Do not do what I did (nothing), get help.

You cannot get rid of the feelings but you can learn to deal with them. As far as the breasts, I will take them!

[pocoyo]

Hi KateW, thank you and hey that's so cool that you are accepting of yourself. Good on you :)

Hey Keiron, oh thank you very much. May pm you on that one ;)

Awwwh Jane. I'm so sorry to hear that you are unhappy and feel like you can't be yourself :( You poor thing. I do hope that perhaps you could do something about it one day. I think it is very admirable of you to have stuck with your wife and family and cared about their feelings though.
Thank you for your advice.

pocoyo