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orchard
01-09-2005, 02:13 AM
I am becoming a little frightened that I might be on the Ts end of the spectrum. I woke up last week with the realization that I needed to facilate my en-femme self, as in the past I was an occasional cd(2-3 a month)
anyway, I just haven't stopped, didn't want to stop, and would not have stopped being my fem self, if i didn't need to buy milk and cigaretts, and go to work.
My girl is getting nervous, and I don't balme her, but for once I am not doing the thing where she gets nervous about my dressing and then I stop for a while, instead hitting local bars and being "manly"

My question is, to you wonderfull girls, who seem like such kind, safe people, is How do you know? (i know this sounds stupid)

I don't think I have much use for the male persona anymore, but I'm afraid....god, i just don't know. Please tell me what it was like for you, I'm trying to be strong and do whats right for me, but I have no other "like-selves" to talk too.

thank you
love orchard

tia maria
01-09-2005, 02:20 AM
I know what you are going through I have gone through it myself. I'm still a man but love wearing the girlie stuff. I'm bi sexual which is harder than being straight or gay. I sometimes feel ashamed in dressing up until now.the forum has been the best web page I have found the amount of us out thier is amazing. So stand tall be yourself enjoy what ever you are happy with. Finding support now is only a click away thank god. Tia :)

orchard
01-09-2005, 02:28 AM
thanks tia
I think I am bi, too. It is hard.
really though, thank you.
love orchard

crispy
01-09-2005, 02:58 AM
So you think you are bi. Hey, if labels help, so be it.

But I don't think that kind of label helps. I have been doing it for years and still consider myself totally straight. I have never been attracted to anyone having a male appearance. (although in my fantasies there are all sorts of things going on :o ).

I don't see the need to relate my CDing to my sexual preferences. I suppose the conflict may arise if and when you decide to go out fully dressed in public. Then it may help you if you try to rationalise the situation by deciding you need to be attractive to men, and therefore you must be bi or gay.

What is wrong with just wanting to emulate a desirable woman? Isn't that why most of us do it? Then the conflict : how can we expect another woman to love us for who we are, when we appear to be, or want to be, a woman?

Nothing is simple. Which is why there are so many people on this forum seeking answers and exploring their sexuality and gender.

My advice is go where it leads, but stay on a path where it feels (relatively)safe. :cool:

ChristineRenee
01-09-2005, 03:17 AM
I am becoming a little frightened that I might be on the Ts end of the spectrum. I woke up last week with the realization that I needed to facilate my en-femme self, as in the past I was an occasional cd(2-3 a month)
anyway, I just haven't stopped, didn't want to stop, and would not have stopped being my fem self, if i didn't need to buy milk and cigaretts, and go to work.
My girl is getting nervous, and I don't balme her, but for once I am not doing the thing where she gets nervous about my dressing and then I stop for a while, instead hitting local bars and being "manly"

My question is, to you wonderfull girls, who seem like such kind, safe people, is How do you know? (i know this sounds stupid)

I don't think I have much use for the male persona anymore, but I'm afraid....god, i just don't know. Please tell me what it was like for you, I'm trying to be strong and do whats right for me, but I have no other "like-selves" to talk too.

thank you
love orchardHi orchard. I'll try to give you my perspective at least. I have been on HRT now for almost a year. When I first became a CD and as time went on, I don't think I ever gave a conscious thought that it would have progressed even this far. It just sort of evolved over the years. I can't honestly say that I don't have any use for my male persona at all, but SRS just doesn't seem to make sense at this stage of my life. I am 53 now. If I was young say in my 20's I would have to give some real thought to it and even then I don't think I could do it. For me orchard, it has always been largely an internal sexual thing. I still don't think that I have female brain wiring, that is, I don't believe that I have ever felt in the 41 years I have been CD'ing that I was really a woman trapped in a man's body and for me to do SRS, that is what I would have to be feeling. I'm an external guy who's sexuality is virtually all female yet I am not now, and have never been attracted to men sexually...always women. I have always admired them and wanted to be like them and have always been able to empathize and communicate well with them, but I still don't think that I THINK like them. But yes, I understand how you are feeling believe me and you are right...it is scary. You need to sit down and sort out all your feelings and try to get a handle on it. For me, it took a long time. I was 41 before I fully understood who and what I was and even then I wouldn't have thought that I would be feeling about myself the way I do today. Hopefully for me, HRT will satisfy the woman that is in me and make enough modification internally and externally so that I can enjoy the rest of my life in relative contentment.

Give yourself the time to work it all thru mentally and assess your feelings. I think the answers will come to you in time. Remember that we are all here to help you if you need us, so feel free to ask for help. That is what we are all here for to share our experiences, and to learn from each other.:)

Take care and be safe.


Love,
Christine Renee

DonnaT
01-09-2005, 08:26 AM
I am becoming a little frightened that I might be on the Ts end of the spectrum. I woke up last week with the realization that I needed to facilate my en-femme self, as in the past I was an occasional cd(2-3 a month) . . .
My question is, to you wonderfull girls, who seem like such kind, safe people, is How do you know? (i know this sounds stupid)


Julie M. has provided a number of links in the regard. And she has recommended reading the book:

"True Selves : Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals"
Author(s): Mildred L. Brown, Chloe Ann Rounsley
Publisher: Jossey-Bass
Release Date: 07 March, 2003
Media: Paperback
ISBN: 0787967025
UPC: 723812485420

Tristen Cox
01-09-2005, 09:41 AM
Follow donna's advice there. I discovered the definition of what it means to be TS only a few months ago, and it shed light upon a lifetime of misunderstandings about myself. In actuality, I always felt defferent like my feelings didn't belong in the body I was born with. It's what is inside.

It's not detesting the male side for me, there just isn't a male side. I was conditioned to think I was someone who I was not, when it only caused me to question everything I thought and felt. The voice the body it all seemed so wrong. I knew who I was from inside, then I look in the mirror and where is she?
It's the begining of a long journey of self realisation. If you are TS you will understand the conflict of the inside with the outer body. Transexual simply put means being of one gender on the inside with the physical appearance of another. I would take time to work this out and learn more about it. This forum may provide many answers but probably not all of them. And you may already have the answers inside. This will take some time to decifer for 'yourself'. Take little steps, don't rush things or assume anything. Denial can only complicate things. Talk to others. Listen and apply their advice and stories. Read and learn. Then decide who you are. My best wishes to you on this journey. We are always here to help when you should need it.

Love & hugs
Tristen

orchard
01-10-2005, 01:25 AM
especially Tia, who happened to reply so quickly and made me feel so good by doing so. All others, thank you for your replies!
If we ever meet I promise a big kiss for you all
love
orchard

well, maybe two kisses.
thanks girls

stevie h
01-11-2005, 04:44 PM
hallo orchard

i too am suffering just like you at the moment. It seems so difficult i dont think i can even start to try and explain the confusion of emotions, besides which you've all heard it before. I have for many years cd and felt most of the time content. I could wear what i want twice a week perhaps, bit of make up etc, sort of kept me going, just. Always felt depressed now and again but could cope. However sometimes it got really bad i could barely function, mentally. I have tried to work the problem out and the bottom line is i always want more, more often and more. Nver get enough.


my partner has coped very well considering but we have reached a junction where we feel we may part. i will lose my house and family etc and worst my partner. Why, because i am on a circle of destruction. i need to have more for my sanity. This need is so great i cant stop. cant think of anything else. trying to do a course at the moment. got exams soon. must be mentally strong. so what next. i would love to get my facial hair removed to begin with and then see. I know when i have achieved this i will have to continue on this journey. Anyway i gonna go now. I know this won't help orchard but just to say thinking of you, know how you feel sort of. Fell free to pm.




love


stevie

Krissi
01-11-2005, 04:59 PM
I must add one bit of advice to the wonderful tidbits that each of the girls have given. Make sure you keep your partner informed. I'm not saying you have to share your deepest darkest secrets and thoughts, but if you leave her in the dark she'll get suspicious and jump to the wrong conclusions and then you'll be alone. I've hung around this arena long enough to know that many, many cd/ts wish that they had someone, especially a female to confide in. You have someone that accepts (sound like to a certain extent) your need to dress, now talk openly and calmly about some of your feelings, share enough that you feel better and that she feels involved and stays on your side. You'll be much better off later with a friend/lover/sister (whatever relationship develops) than you will be alone.

I also grappled with the whole bi/straight question for a long time. I totally agree with Crispy's thoughts about seperating sexual preference from dressing. You're bi/straight/gay because thats what you are, not because you are a crossdresser. That sterotype is hard to get around, even in our own minds, let alone everyone else. I have enjoyed relationships with other CDs both with me dressed, and me not dressed. Do I think of myself as bi, no not really, I just think of myself as someone that is open-minded and easy going...more easy than going...lol Had to throw that one in.

Anyway, I wish you luck on your journey and this site can be a wonderful friend and resource for you.

michel
01-24-2005, 05:04 PM
Hi girls. Im bi also, and I love a man loving me more than a woman. Guess the fem side of me is overpowering the man. And I like it. Such is life!! Love XXX

Danielle1960
01-24-2005, 05:55 PM
I would suggest that setting a time for a decision would help. If you think your a TS (and you might be) not just a CD then take off some of the pressure. Select a date out about two years that you make a decision for how far you want to take it. Then go about your life as you would normally. Review your past. i.e. journals, photo albums, reflect on friends, and family. Think about how you feel. I find for me that I'm proud of my past and a bit insecure about somethings too. Do the same for the CD or TS part of you. Do research on the comunity, join a local chapter of TRIESS or other support group. Keep a calender (journal ) and write your reflections down as the time goes along. Mark the days you would love to do a SRS in pink and the days your happy as a man in blue. When you get to your assigned day to make a decision review the newly made journal, do some soul searching and you can make a decision you'll be proud to live with the rest of your life. My psychologist and me sort made up this plan for me and I'm 10 months into it.
It might help. For me I discovered that after the newness of dressing subsided abit, I feel more rational about my direction. I haven't made any concrete decisions except if I was 23 today instead of 44 I would transition. But having a family and children of highschool and college age it isn't really all about me.

Hope this helps at least a tiny bit.
Danielle :)

Man in tights
02-04-2005, 12:19 PM
I starting to feel your pain Orchard!
Up until about a month ago I thought I had my crossdressing under control, however now I’m frightened about the way I feel. I used to be very scared and secretive about my crossdressing. I wouldn’t even shave my legs because I thought someone might say something. I always used to feel really sexually frustrated, and no amount of masturbation seemed to help. The frustration left when I started going out with my girlfriend (now fiancée). As soon as I had thoughts of proposing marriage I decided it would be best to come clean and tell her everything; all my secrets (partially because of what I had read in this forum). I broke it to her gently and she asked a lot of questions (all the usual I guess) like was I gay (which I’m not), how long had I been doing this (for ages… and I showed her my stash), and whether I wanted to be a girl. She made it clear that she didn’t want to be with a woman, and me dressed as a woman made her feel weird. At the time I said that I definitely felt like a straight man, and that the big thing for me was to wear pantyhose. She agreed and so I started wearing them in front of her… I was so happy to not have to hide.

A few weeks passed and I had a strong urge to shave my legs, so I again asked… and she said yes (and even helped me). Again a quiet time passed, followed by another urge (to shave all of me (except genitals)… which I did. The next craving was for make-up, and resulted in me getting my fiancée to teach me about lipstick, eyeliner etc (as well as nail polish).

At this point I will emphasize that each of these cravings/urges consumed me so that I couldn’t even concentrate on my work or anything else. Like going mad. As an aside I am 118lb and 5’9” with a size 9 shoe (womens size). I realized long ago that I was never going to be a big man so I stopped trying. I have ascertained that I fit nicely into all of my fiancee’s clothes… which leads me to the next urges.

I hate having to hide my pantyhose under pants and socks, and this came to a boil such that I could take it no more, and told my fiancée that I wanted to wear a skirt around the house. Again she took this very well and provided me with sarongs and later lunghis. This was great but I still pushed for a skirt and a dress (which I was later allowed to buy).

This takes us up to Fall time last year, at which time I had shoes on my mind. Heeled strappy sandals to be exact. My fiancee’s shoes are one and a half sizes too small for me (sad) so I wanted my own. I’d even picked out the perfect pair in a local shop. I waited until I needed some new mens shoes then took my fiancée to help me pick out some. After finishing in the mens department I took my fiancée to the womens sextion where I told her what I needed. She said no because she thought that I would start going out dressed up. I swore I wouldn’t and whined like a ten year old girl until she changed her mind. As it happens I did check the mail once in my heels but I’m not counting that!!!

The only thing left was to get a wig… and soon after the shoes I was the proud owner of a human hair wig courtesy of ebay. At about this time I got into jewelry in a big way. I love clip-on earrings, especially dangly ones.

Over Christmas I had some time alone and so went crazy. I spent virtually two weeks dressed as a woman and I loved it. Life was good until I shaved my genitals. Ever since then I’ve been waiting for the hair to grow back down there because for some reason I can no longer maintain a good erection. This was bad timing because my fiancée arrived back a few days after new year and I was unable to show her the good time she deserved (I really do love her). The disturbing thing that I realized a few days ago is that whereas I used to think that a man losing his penis was just about the worst thing that could happen to him, I now look at my penis and imagine a female genitals in it’s place. I’ve never liked having a ball sack (I’ve whined about it enough over the years) but I haven’t had that kind of thought since I was a kid (when I would lie awake at night trying to wish some kind of disease on myself so that I would have to have my little chap cut off and be made to live as a girl).

Recently I’ve been trying to feminize my features, e.g. by plucking my eyebrows (tidying them up to a nice shape), shaving everything in sight, trying to encourage my adam’ apple to move higher in my throat (seems to be doing it too!) and walking and sitting (in fact generally behaving in terms of mannerisms) like a girl. My fiancée noticed how I was sitting a couple of times but otherwise no comments.

The sad truth is that I really get turned on now by the thought of losing my penis and growing breasts. I can’t help feeling that I want to wear a bra, so I’ve recently bought some weights to bulk up my pecs.

I don’t feel like a man anymore. I kinda want to feel more like a man again because I love my fiancée and I know that is what she needs. I don’t want to lose her but I’m definitely more feminine than masculine now. I’ve tried and failed to stop or even cut down because it just gets more and more difficult as time passes.

When I visited my parents last I hated myself because of my secret and one day I exploded and told my father that I crossdressed. He took it well but suggested that we keep it a secret from my mother. Ironically she was the one that scared me by threatening to tell my father whenever she caught me wearing pantyhose (or what ever) as a child. Thus I stayed in the closet (at great mental and emotional cost as I painfully watched myself go through puberty as a boy).

Does anyone have any advice? I can’t go to a counselor (although my university has one) because I’m scared of someone finding out about me. Also the same reason that I don’t post pictures on the net.

I love this forum sooooooooooooo much and think all of you are great girls. Some of the comments posted are great food for thought and the soul. I’d love to meet up with some of you but as I said I’m housebound until further notice. I feel sad and confused, actually very confused. My fiancée and I definitely both want kids but I can’t imagine being a very good father right now. I don’t know what to do. My job is in a field that is very competitive and personality based (like an old boys club of sorts) so I can’t imagine that I would be accepted as a female.

I’m sorry about the enormous block of text I’ve posted, and the superlong sentences, but I’m kinda wired right now and am mid-urge, snowed under at work and generally stressed (aaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh).

Many thanks,
MIT

Chrissycd
02-04-2005, 10:04 PM
but suggest reading "True Selves" too, plus "Wrapped In Blue" by Donna Rose. I too struggle with this. It's termed "gender dysphoria" and can be a blessing or a curse depending on where it dumps you when it's done messing with you. I've come to the conclusion that I am ts, but am still deciding what to do about it with the help of a gender therapist. I am as frightened as ever, but fully expect to begin HRT this coming summer. It's time to make peace with myself. As my girl Christina Aguilera says, "I'm the only one who can rescue me from me."
Hugs,
Chrissy

donnie123abc1
02-27-2005, 03:56 PM
First of all lets take the sexual id of male and female out of the equation. How do you precieve yourself to be? No sexually, but as a person..a fellow human being. Who are you? The term
"trans" is to transform or become. But you can can not become something that you are not. A rock will never be a tree and a tree shall never be a rock. What we can only hope for is to be the person that we are destined to be. The colthes don't make a man or a woman..neither does the genetics. What we are is what we feel. Who we are is what we will be.

donnie123abc1
02-27-2005, 04:05 PM
The need for labels is one of human beings greatest flaws. We only end up dividing ourselves. Each grouped according to its classification. We no longer see people, only groups of people. Armys to which we either belong or rebel against. Such a sad way to look at the world...and each other.

Music4one
02-27-2005, 04:34 PM
Dear Donna T: No you are not crazy and don't allow people as such to tell you that you are!!
What because you feel that you are a Woman inside a Guy's Body, well for the "Small & Narrow Minded People",thats their opinion. You believe In "YOURSELF " You set a course as Shakespere said" To thine ownself be True. Donna T. Then You cannot deceive anyone. I hope You Understand, yes I am a Transsexual going M>F and Proud of herself, yes I have been the subject of Verbal, and Physical Abuse. However there was a song on the Radio a while back. And one of the Lyrics in the song went as such. "I'm still Standing" You must know what I am saying here! You stand Up for Yourself and who You are. And Yes there are allot of Sisters goingM>F or Brothers Going F>M who will give you Love from the Stand Point of "YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE"

We dont Bulshit People as to who we are. Atleast I don't its a waste of my Breath and Strenght. if you need to go Private E-mail me back. Im always here!! And I hope you understand that????? I'm on the Last leg of MY Process awaiting my Last Assessment, and I hope it is in the Affirmative Mode. If not it will be hard for me to try and continue Living. I won't know how!! But I will cross that Bridge when I come to it. Just know You have allot of People that will be willing to talk and Listen.
Put us to the USE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Music4one :)

orchard
03-02-2005, 12:14 AM
for posting this in a fear frenzy, it was the inception of acceptance.
anyway, I have concluded that a trip to a gender spec. is the next step in my life path. I have left my long term girlfriend and moved into an enviroment where I can "be myself" even less than with my fearful ex.
Roll with the blows babygirl.
Even so, it is like a whole new world has opened up for me, I am 26, and anything can happen. No more worrying about how someone else is going to deal with the way I am, ie wife and kids. It is so very sad, but liberating as well.
Thank you soo much lady's
love
orchard

orchard
03-02-2005, 12:38 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First of all lets take the sexual id of male and female out of the equation. How do you precieve yourself to be? No sexually, but as a person..a fellow human being. Who are you? The term
"trans" is to transform or become. But you can can not become something that you are not. A rock will never be a tree and a tree shall never be a rock. What we can only hope for is to be the person that we are destined to be. The colthes don't make a man or a woman..neither does the genetics. What we are is what we feel. Who we are is what we will be.

I really like this post, its really a no-nonsenses the whole gender confusion thing, so let me validate it with a cognezent answer.
As a human being, I am me. I am me to a dampened degree when I wear my male mask, but still there. When en-femme, I feel as if comming home to myself, or that, it seems easy to be what I really am.
Are the individual iteams of clothing that important....no. Do I feel more at home with my true self when en femme, yes. Am I still working on this...yes.

thanks sweetie
love
orchard

My male persona is kinda like a scab that grew over the little girl, but has staying power.

Music4one
03-02-2005, 04:23 PM
[FONT=Book Antiqua][SIZE=4][COLOR=Magenta] :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First of all lets take the sexual id of male and female out of the equation. How do you precieve yourself to be? No sexually, but as a person..a fellow human being. Who are you? The term
"trans" is to transform or become. But you can can not become something that you are not. A rock will never be a tree and a tree shall never be a rock. What we can only hope for is to be the person that we are destined to be. The colthes don't make a man or a woman..neither does the genetics. What we are is what we feel. Who we are is what we will be.

I really like this post, its really a no-nonsenses the whole gender confusion thing, so let me validate it with a cognezent answer.
As a human being, I am me. I am me to a dampened degree when I wear my male mask, but still there. When en-femme, I feel as if comming home to myself, or that, it seems easy to be what I really am.
Are the individual iteams of clothing that important....no. Do I feel more at home with my true self when en femme, yes. Am I still working on this...yes.

thanks sweetie
love
orchard

My male persona is kinda like a scab that grew over the little girl, but has staying power.

donnie123abc1
03-02-2005, 10:25 PM
I'm glad this post did not offend you. I was afraid that using the rock and tree example would be a little confusing. I ,too, am also a rock that wishes to be tree. The realization that there are limits to what we can be is the first part of coming to terms with who we are as a person. Person acceptance in ones self is paramont to acceptance by those around us. A rock disquised as a tree can not parade around a say, "Look at me..I'M A TREE!" because others will only see a rock no matter what clothes it wears. But I rock that is molded by humble hands will present itself without fanfare. Not just a rock but a beautiful scupture of a tree, complete in every detail. This is the kind of rock/tree that I think is worth striving for. We are all artists of a sort. Our canvas is our heart, mind and body.

MarieTS
03-03-2005, 01:16 AM
Dear Orchard... You asked "how do you know"? Well, as with being in love... "You'll know when it happens." You may already be there, Orchard. Just ask youself the one question I asked myself... If I could do anything what would I do, what would I be? That's how I finally knew for sure. And although that realization presents me with an entirely new and different set of challenges, I can't describe the relief and jubilation I feel knowing -- or rather admitting -- who I really am.

Luv,
Marie

orchard
03-04-2005, 01:04 AM
my spelling was really terrible last night.
Donnie, i was not the least bit offended by your post, it is a "no sugar added" response to a life path that is hard as hell.
I need a gender disorder like I need a...I don't know, bullet to the brain?
What is a girl to do? Roll with the blows, and be happy that I have my mothers body.
Wonderful ladies,
once again, thank you for your input

love
orchard