Clues

[CaptLex]

Looking back over the years, I now realize that there were many clues that should have led me to realize my transgenderism long before I did. I just didn't know how to put them together until I heard the voices of other transpeople, and until my therapist helped me sort it all out. For example:

1. I remembered just last week that as a child I used to watch my father shave his face and I'd ask him questions (Dad, why do you use that shaving cream? Why do you steam up the whole bathroom just to shave?) and take mental notes 'cause I figured that some day I would need to know this stuff. In fact, it was because I remembered one of his tips that I solved a shaving problem last week.

2. I also remember saying (over and over) to people: "I don't know why God made me a woman in this life - must have been to learn some lesson. But next life I'm coming back as a man, again - whether I've learned that lesson or not. Once as a woman is enough for me."

3. I've had a male name since I was young - and always used that name to play video games (especially pirate games). When I started seeing my therapist earlier this year, one of the first things he asked me is if I had a male name. I quickly said, "Of course!", and then I realized it's probably not as common as I made it sound, and it's pretty strange for me to have had it for so long since I was only recently beginning to realize that I'm TG.

I'm sure there's other stuff if I stop and think for a minute, but you get the idea. Sometimes I feel stupid that it took me so long to figure it out, but I suppose it's better to get it in the second place, if I don't get it in the first place. Does anyone else look back and see clues that should have helped them piece it together?

[Tree GG]

This is somewhat different, as I am speaking from observing the signs in another and I did not have a clue - not one shred of suspicion that he was CD/TG.

1. Fastidious hair care ("Don't touch the hair")
2. His attention to home decor & design
3. Absolute distain for male clothing & appearance
4. Wear-damaged garments that I rarely wore (the washer did it)
5. Obsessive shopping (shopping for anything!)

Were we in denial? Maybe, but I think that you/he were just being yourselves. You didn't put a label on yourself, it was given to you by others. Why should you have questioned your actions/thoughts?

[mistunderstood]

I guess I always knew just did not have the vocabulary to say it.

[Abraxas]

Yeah, I'm the same way. I mean, from a young age I knew I wanted to be a guy, but I guess it was just a combination of growing up in a conservative state and going to private schools, and also not knowing of the existence of FTMs that kept me from realising it. I didn't put 2 and 2 together until hearing Eddie Izzard talking about being TV.

[pocoyo]

Ah, cool thread.

Here are some things that I remember but they might sound a bit jumbled & not in order or whatever cos I'm well tired, sorry. I will probably miss loads out too. If I think of any more I will add them tomorrow :)

* When I was really little (about 3) I made people call me a boy's name and was a right little tom boy even then.
- Always been a tomboy even when being a "pretty girl" I have never ever let anyone get away with thinking Im a "normal girl". Never been a normal girl. Always sort of been one of the boys.

* When I was little when we went swimming I used to roll my swimming costume down so they were swimming trunks.

* I would tease my Mum about having boobs and she said "one day you will grow these too and then I'll get you back!" and I used to shake my head and say "NO I will NOT!" (D'oh, forgot to keep that promise to myself for a while, but I'm workin' on it).

* When I was about 5 I told a girl "I wish I was a boy, then I would marry you."

* When I was about 12 a girl at school said "You should have been born a boy" and I said "I know!"

* I had a best friend and we would play "pretend" all the time. I would always be a male and love it. This went on from when we were about 12 or 13 to about 16! I also had my hair cut short at that stage and once when we went to the cinema she said "I bet people think you're a boy" and I thought "I hope so".

* I used to go out pretending to be a boy and hoping people thought I was a a boy at that age (13-15 ish) and once when I put some money in a man's charity box he said "Thank you very much young man" and I loved it.
- Made people call me by a boys name at that age too.

* With my boyfriends I always used to joke about er... taking THEM... if you know what I mean. I wished I could be the one to do it to them instead of the other way round. Always felt a bit disgusted about that whole "being entered" thing and my own body. Also used to tease them "what would you do if you found out I was really a boy?" and they would reply "but I know you're not" so I would say "ah.. but what if I used to be one?!" So like some part of me could still be male and not "inferior" (No offense to any girls that may be reading, I so do not think females are inferior at all! Just myself as one.

* I have always felt that I know what it feels like to have a penis.
Have often wondered if I was a man in my last life and wished to be one in my next life.
- Have also got very upset & hurt when boyfriends scoffed at the idea that I knew what it was like to have a penis.
- Got offended by the fact that they have a penis and I don't!

* Often I pretend to friends that I'm a boy even to ones that KNOW I'm a girl. I try and give them a little doubt so they might think that somewhere, somehow I am one.

* Have made devices at various times through my life so that I can pee standing up.

* Have always found the male body very interesting. Enjoyed it when I got to shave my ex boyfriend and used to like watching him shave. I would love to be able to shave my face and grow some nice stubble.

* Have always been offended and upset and wanting ferociously to prove them wrong, when people suggested that, because I'm a girl, I couldn't do things that the boys could.

* Have always been interested in lifting weights and having toned muscles.

* Have never liked having boobs.

* Have always rather wanted a slim boys body with the possibility of a belly rather than a slim girls body with the possiblility of boobs and hips, thighs and bum. If you know what I mean.

* Have never wanted to be with girls as a girl. However I do think I would like to as a boy. (As well as men still of course... mmmm).

* Have never been able to properly talk about sex to my Mum or friends ever... as a girl. (even though my Mum is sweet and my friends are great). It freaks me out. I just find something weird and horrible about discussing sex as a female. As a male though it is different and I don't feel this weird disgust/guilt when thinking of myself as a sexual being. (Well not as much). As a boy I can easily discuss and enjoy discussing sex (well I probably would still be shy talking about it with my family though, lol! But then they still know me as a girl.)

* Have always wanted to BE like the men I admired/fancied (boyfriends, cousins, famous people etc). Strangely, as a boy I really look like one of the celebrities I have a thing about, and often get told I look like him (even by people that know me as a female lol!) which is bitter-sweet because looking at pictures of him I sometimes see how I feel I "should" look, as a real male I mean. Which often brings me joy but often makes me feel so sad. Like having my own face looking back at me... the boy inside me, you know. (Btw he'(the celebrity)s not like a lusted-after sex god or anything lol. A bit of a geeky pretty boy. :))
- I often thought I was a bit weird wanting to be LIKE the men I fancied instead of just with them, but it's all starting to make sense now hehe.

* Have always been a boy online. Never felt like I wanted to be myself or happy/comfortable being myself as a girl online. Felt like I didn't really have anything to say as a girl. Much happier and get on with people much better as a guy.

* Have never given my full name online for email addresses, ordering things offline etc, just my initial. Partly for safety but partly because I haven't wanted to "admit" that I was a girl. I also often click "Mr" on purpose so it comes addressed to Mr and think to myself that if anyone questioned it I would pretend I clicked it by accident.

*Just remembered...when I was having a very hard time with some (unrelated) stuff when I was 15, just laying in a crumpled heap on my Mum's bed telling her how things would be so much easier if I was only a boy.

EDIT - just remembered that I begged to have my hair cut short when I was little (I had REALLY long hair lol) and in the end my Mum gave in and she let me have it cut. They hairdresser let me choose a fairly boyish looking girl's hairstyle from the book but I was so disappointed that it looked nothing like it. I tried really hard not to cry!

- have often had my hair long but also often had it cut short because I wanted to be boyish. Even when people wanted to make it a girly cut I would go home and make it as boyish as I could (this is from when I was 15 til like this year btw - I'm lucky my hair grows well fast). I have now finally found a perfect hairstyle for me (floppy emo ish). Sadly (?) I'm growing it for a while (long story) but I am sure I will have it like this again some time in the future.

Woah I think I'm getting a bit carried away here sorry, this is turning into a mammoth list! I will shut up for now :)
I think this is a really interesting thread and definitely thought-provoking. Good one.

[CaptLex]

That's a great list, Pocoyo! I can definitely relate to a lot of it, especially not using my complete name to order things (initials only), feeling inferior as a girl (I don't think females are inferior either, just in my case) and knowing that I was a boy in previous lives. :cool:

[pocoyo]

Yehman!

I thought of something else too: I have never liked the thought of being a Mum (when my Mum goes on about wanting to be a grandma someday, eeerrkk), makes me feel all squirmy and embarrased and sick. But the thought of being a DAD, now that's kinda nice. I think I'd be a nice Dad.

Oh and also I forgot to put that I have always been in to "boys" stuff like video games, cars, motorbikes etc etc. And geeky stuff usually associated with boys.

When performing in bands I always pretend to be a boy at least at some point, whether I'm singing or drumming or playing guitar. And through the whole performance I pose/really get into it/go mental lol, in classic cockrock style (with a bit of crazy me style thrown in). I was trying to explain to Mum a while ago that when I perform like that I'm not "being a girl" I'm being a boy or just a rock person a la Steven Tyler/Axl Rose etc, some of which are really androgynous, blah blah.

Oh why didn't I wake up a boy this morning? lol What are these ridiculous things doing on my chest?! Hehe sorry. Right I'm shutting up again now! :p

It's very cool that you have loads of the same feelings, woo!
So glad I found you and this place.

[mistunderstood]

Lot of what you said hit home for me. Being a dad would be so cool. We have cats and a bird and I am daddy to all of them.

[pocoyo]

awwww. How cute.

I thought of another. I remember sitting in the bath when I was little, I always used to play games like I was a man in a pub drinking (haha sounds funny now!) but anyway I remember this little thrill of excitement in my chest at the thought of being called "he" and "him".

[Taylor105]

Oh man, I know this is an old thread but I just HAD to answer it.

I've always known I was different. For the longest time I have just said I was a lesbian because I like girls. But the thing is I hated and always have HATED saying I was a girl too. These are some of my memories growing up that are HUGE clues of my eventually growing into a boy.

I was very fascinated by my dad's shaving and loved watching him because I knew at the end when he put on his aftershave that he was going to take his hands and pat my cheeks down with what was left over on his hands. I loved smelling like Old Spice and would run through the house giggling with glee. I was four years old when we started that ritual and he did it all the way until I was ten or so.

All of my friends were boys and I was the leader. I was constantly beating someone up or whatnot just to remind them who was the toughest. lol I always wore baseball caps and football sweatshirts or some other type of boy clothes. My first bike was a boys BMX. I still love BMX's and have a Mongoose at the moment. :) I always wore my hair short.

When I was little my sister had Barbies and Strawberry Shortcake while I had Hot Wheels and Star Wars guys. This one is embarrassing but I would take off my pants when I had to pee and straddle the toilet facing it like a guy and go. That became too time consuming after awhile so I stopped doing that. lol I would cover my private area when my sister would come in and I was in the tub. I would tell her not to look at my ...um you know...and she would say you don't have one of those. You are a girl. I would argue with her that I did so have one and I was covering it. LOL She still reminds me of that from time to time.

Once I was with my dad out fishing (I loved fishing) and someone asked me "what's your name sonny?" I loved that!! I always had boy's shoes. I liked football. Tackle football not flag. haha Basketball was awesome too!! When I was 16 I started taekwondo. I know that in and of itself is not an indication of my being a boy. There are lots of female martial artists. But I did it so I could be the tougest of the tough guys. I hold a second degree black belt. Anyway, that's just some of what should have clued me into being a boy as a child. I guess I never thought I would grow up and feel the same way. But I did. My family just thinks I am gay and I just let them. But I know the truth. I guess that's all that really matters since I am not in direct contact with my family anyway. Great thread guys. I enjoyed reading it.

[bi_weird]

Hey Taylor, way to find all the fun old threads. I can't believe I didn't answer this one first time around, so I'll take a shot now.
I remember my dad teaching my brothers to tie a tie. I really wanted to be included, so he taught me to, saying that I'd have to tie a boyfriend's tie someday. I was so mad that I wouldn't be allowed to wear a tie.
In 4th grade my Y soccer team played shirts verses skins on a warm day, and I was so mad (and confused) that I couldn't play on the skins team - it was REALLY warm.
Dear daddy sent me a valentine again this year...pink with hearts and stuff...and I feel guilty but really wanna call him up and be like "You wouldn't send that to you other children; don't send it to me!" Oi wait that was this week, and I'm supposed to be listing stuff from my past.

[boi_0h]

I guess there were always clues to it like the ones you mentioned capt but at the same time it was highly frowned upon to socialize as "the boy i wasn't" so i just hid it, i remember i couldn't sleep unless i tucked a sock in, and i always wanted to go work on cars and do carpentry with dad.