What Keeps You In Your Relationship?

[melissacd]

I was reading a thread earlier about what it was that attracted us to our mates. I found some wonderful posts and great sentiments of love between GGs and their CD mates. At certain points I became very teary eyed because I so wished that I was reading a post about the way things were for me in my relationship.

The truth is that my wife has known about my CDing for 9 years now, has never accepted it and while she now says that she realizes that I am in fact a cross dresser and that that will not change, she has decided that for as long as I cross dress she will no longer be an intimate partner.

I have tried to educate her on this part of who I am, I have gotten her books, created a binder of articles, offered to show her websites such as this, offered to take her to cross dresser club meetings to meet others, have extended offers to her from numerous GGs who are wiling to talk to her, have answered every question that she has asked and been willing to talk about it whenever. She has turned down most of these things saying she does not want to learn about it.

I held off dressing from the longest time until I realized that I cannot not be who I am and so I had to evolve. As I said, it has been 9 long difficult years and I am going through a tough thought process now. There are many things that keep me in the relationship, shared history (25 years), our children, financial ties, I still love her as a person, but with each passing day that I have to endure this sexual and intimacy blackmail that she has placed in front of me I find myself loving her less and less. We have tried counselling to no result. She has said choose between her or cross dressing. I cannot not be a cross dresser, I have gone through too much personal pain denying that side of me, I have had moments when I wanted to end it all because I was not being me. I cannot go back to that dark place. I cannot deny who I am.

I now acquire and build a wardrobe, I go to dinners and meetings without her, I develop my sense of style and connection with my femme self, make and meet lots of the best friends that I have ever made (all from within the TG community), I feel that I am finding my authentic self, becoming happy wiuth who I am and enjoying my friendships better than ever. The one big issue is that I feel trapped in my relationship. There is a part of me that hopes one day she will see the light, start to understand and will enable us to start building that much richer more intimate relationship that I want and there is a part fo me that feels that I am just wasting my time on a false hopeless dream.

I go to cross dresser club dinners and see wonderful sharing couples and say to myself that could be me with the right person. I read posts on BB that talk about the wonderful relationships that others have and dream. Now I realize that all relationships are fraught with issues. I am not fantasizing about the perfect situation, I just realize that it is possible to actually be the authentic me and have someone actually appreciate that that is a part of who I am.

If I look back over these years I see that they are fraught with a great deal of self inflicted pain trying to get someone who cannot seem to cross that bridge to cross it with me. It saddens and pains me because I know that at some stage I will have evolved too far into this life, this part of me for any relationship to continue and I will have to say good-bye.

So what keeps me here now, that is the question I must answer.

It is interesting to read posts about the journey of others as they move through various milestones. Initially accepting that they are CDs, that it is ol, that it is healthy, through learning their style, perhaps opening up to their spouse, building a wardrobe, learning hair and makeup, eventually taking pictures, joing a club or two, making friends in the community, perhaps telling family and friends, getting out in the public more and more.

Some of us move along this journey and some only get to a certain point and then stop. For me the CD journey is a wonderous process of self discovery and a great source of marital friction.

Huggs
Melissa

[Emily Ann Brown]

Hey Melissa,


You are looking good hun. Long time no see.

To answer your question briefly....a sick adult daughter. My situation mirrors yours except my wife said quit or get out. Sad huh? Well, I'm working on it.

And an accepting spouse would be awesome right now.


Emily Ann

[Karren H]

To answer your question briefly....a sick adult daughter. My situation mirrors yours except my wife said quit or get out. Sad huh? Well, I'm working on it.
Emily Ann

Very sad for sure...

:(

Love Karren

[Annaliese]

Melissa just keep talking with her, tell her that this is part of who you are, and that is why it is important for her to learn more about the subject of Crossdressing so she can make a educated decision. When you make decision with out education you get what you have right now.
I am trying to educated my wife because if I cant I will be in the same place as you. It is hard to educated a closed mind. There are a lot of us in the same boat just some are sinking faster than others.

Good luck and I hope everything will get better.

Anna

[Calliope]

I hate to be so blunt, but economic security is one big reason I stay with my spouse. Health benefits, of course, too. Plus, I don't drive so, like a lot of pre-liberated housewives, I have the classic reasons. Is that 'fem' or what? I've always been mated with high-testosterone gals (they've been the ones to seek me out). Plus, I stay because the kids need me (I'm the stay-at-home parent). This is not the glamorous side of femininity but it's been my whole (woman's) life, really.

Books or forums, there's very little talk about the economic relationships that accompany the TG experience with spouses. The above is my humble contribution to a very overlooked (under-reported) side of the issue.

[MJ]

Hi Melissa

we talked about this Sunday .. i feel for you and you know my heart goes out to you. and every one else who is going through this heartace . now while you stay under the same roof you have a chance to help her understand you and i hope you do .. just give it more time Hun ..you are not alone here in this matter .i am sure you well see similar post just take the advice and if you find it sound when you are ready act on it...
i wish i could say something here.. but the one i truly loved ask me to leave within 5 days of finding out .. and outed me to our church.. however revenge is sweet and this time next year. we will be a same sex couple.. and i am sending Christmas cards with copy's of my srs to all church members..:tongueout now it her turn to know what it feels like :D i am so living for that day ...hugs mj

[Eugenie]

Hi Melissa, I'm in a very similar situation as yours... My wife knows about my X-dressing but doens't like it. I told her just a few years after we were married, and our 37th anniversary was last October. She sort of closed her eyes on it for many years, we had an acceptable intimate relationship, but since almost 10 years now, we haven't had any sexual relation. Not all is due to my X-Dressing, but it is part of the equation of course. That turns her off. I did try to suggest that she should read some texts on X-dressing but she refuses to even consider it. Strangely enough, she is very tollerant when it concerns other men. But I'm her husband and that's all the difference.

Like you, I've built a whole wardrobe as well as another life. My wife knows about it in general but isn't interested to know anything more than the fact that it is there.

Her reactions are sometimes on the edge of being understanding about my X-Dressing and sometimes she is down right full of anger against me. In fact I don't blame her for that. She married a man, not a woman.

For her sexual coldness, as I said earlier, there is more than just my X-Dressing. Since her menopause, she has developped a sensory aversion to touch. She can't help it. So I can't even feel mad about the fact that she doesn't want anymore intimate relationships with me, not even a hug. But of course, my X-Dressing doesn't help... I've told this in another thread on a similar theme. If I find it, I will send the text to you.

What makes me stay with her?

A great life experience (In addition to our 37 years of marriage we dated for more than five years before we got married...)

Two children who wouldn't probably understand.

In laws that are fabulous, in particular my mother in law.

Dating from the period before our mariage, we have many friends whom we still see and they would certainly not understand my X-dressing. They would most likely side with my wife and I would lose them for sure.

And finally, shame on me, I'm too lazy to undertake the process of a divorce :o

On the positive side, we still do many things together and share a lot of interests. We do travel together. I have to be attentive to many details in order not to make her sad when we are together. During our travel periods, I try to avoid things that remind her too vividly about my X-Dressing. For example, I let my hair grow so she doesn't get to see the evidence, I sleep in male pyjamas. The rest of the time I can shave since we sleep in separate bedrooms and she doesn't have to see me naked and neither in my nightgown.

But sometimes all this is very hard and I do ask myself "What makes me stay with her?" I give myself the answers I gave above in this post and then I cry, alone in my bed...

Sorry for this sad self account...

I hope that you will find some ways to find a balance between your X-Dressing and the affection you have for your wife. I hope before all that you will reach happyness regardless of how hard it may appear for the moment.

Warm hugs.

Love to all.

Eugenie

[Joy Carter]

Not much I can say other than I have moved on but with her if that makes sense. I'm being myself and she doesn't want to see any of it. It would best be described as acknowledging I'm transgendered but not accepting it. She is the love of my life and I tell her that every day. Just wish she could share my life and new found freedom.

[ColleenCD]

Melissa, I'm sad to read of your marital discontent. I personally have 26 years invested into my marraige, and will stand up for any remaining time I'm allowed in this life. In my situation, my wife turns a blind eye, without encouragement or support to my dressing. I on the other hand have learned to live within my (our) limits as to not rile up the tolerance meter within her.

If your wife has "withheld" as her means of negotiation, and you find these terms unacceptable, then it's no wonder you will grow your seperate ways. Will you tolerate her infidelity or her yours when the home stress level becomes unbearable? Does she understand your intentions in dressing as SRS or relaxation, or somewhere else on the spectrum. Lastly, if she is not listening to your information, then whose is she listening to? A friend, parent, co-worker. It sounds like someone else is her trusted confidant.

I don't mean to be blunt about this, but unless you both start caring more about eachother and less about yourselves, then I wouldn't spend the energy into a failed relationship. If your intention is to remain together, then you need to either do the impossible and give up dressing or sit down with her, dig deep, and work out a compromise. :2c: I really do wish you the best!

Colleen

[kathy gg]

Melissa

I really am sad to hear further details in your situation....I knew things were not positive, but I guess this is worse than I knew.

I have written this before to other people and I guess I will write it again....sometimes people just can't seem to want to meet in the middle {I mean her here, not necessarily you]. Some women never want to learn or even come to an agreement {if that even would be acceptable to you}. Sometimes, love, years, and history are not enough.

I actually would be curious to see what exactly she is getting out of a sexless-loveless marriage, I certainly have had plenty of friends well above the age of 40 and 50 who still enjoy intimacy and sexy fun times with their parnters. So to just imagine she no longer cares....well that does happen for some women as they reach meno-pause, but even then, there are things to help females get their mojo going {Sign me up for that when I hit that cycle!}.
Don't let the percieved idea seem real..women enjoy sex....most men just are not aware of that fact.

Anyway...I just know most women who enjoy livng life to its' fullest, who enjoy being *woman* and being alive...well why would any woman not want to enjoy her life and why would she stay with you if she has sent you to the spare bedroom for eternity? What..to punish you...for being you? It seems you are not the only one she is hurting in this scenario,...I mean even if you have kids....unles they are infants...chances are they can see their Mom and Dad are distant and cold. Kids sense that stuff big-time. Even if you guys were never into PDA...well still if you are sleeping in a different room, surely they know. That can't be healthy for them to think this is what marriage is all about? Not a good scenario to base future relationships on.

Don't worry, I am not soley blaming you at all....but to me it seems she is punishing you and herself and her children all with one big statement here.

To me that is a bit sad and depressing and makes me think there is alot more going on underneath her surface than "I dont' like my guy wearing dresses". She needs to not pass *GO* till she sees some therapists to work out these self destructive behaviors.

Anyway, I am pulling an armchair psycologist on you....in the end ...you need to ask yourself, how long can you survive like this?

[Karren H]

Love keeps me in my relationship.....Used to be trust and love, working to rebuild the trust part......takes a lot of time to do that after it's been damaged so badly!!!

Love Karren

[Sandra]

Love keeps me in my relationship.....Used to be trust and love, working to rebuild the trust part......takes a lot of time to do that after it's been damaged so badly!!!

Love Karren


But it can be done.

[Amy Hepker]

I am really sorry to hear about your GLady, alot of us go through the very same thing. My Xwife said I was cheating on her with Myself. (figure that one out) I have always wanted a LOVING relationship with the right GLady, one that Accepts both sides of me. This is really hard to find. I guess it's up to you with what makes you happy inside. My x started cheating on beacuse she said I was cheating on her. The funny thing is that she wanted both me and her Boyfriend (I don't think so) and was very upset and ready to kill me when I said I was going to find someone else.

[melissacd]

I actually would be curious to see what exactly she is getting out of a sexless-loveless marriage, I certainly have had plenty of friends well above the age of 40 and 50 who still enjoy intimacy and sexy fun times with their parnters. So to just imagine she no longer cares....well that does happen for some women as they reach meno-pause, but even then, there are things to help females get their mojo going {Sign me up for that when I hit that cycle!}. Don't let the percieved idea seem real..women enjoy sex....most men just are not aware of that fact.

Anyway...I just know most women who enjoy livng life to its' fullest, who enjoy being *woman* and being alive...well why would any woman not want to enjoy her life and why would she stay with you if she has sent you to the spare bedroom for eternity? What..to punish you...for being you? It seems you are not the only one she is hurting in this scenario,...I mean even if you have kids....unles they are infants...chances are they can see their Mom and Dad are distant and cold. Kids sense that stuff big-time. Even if you guys were never into PDA...well still if you are sleeping in a different room, surely they know. That can't be healthy for them to think this is what marriage is all about? Not a good scenario to base future relationships on.

Don't worry, I am not soley blaming you at all....but to me it seems she is punishing you and herself and her children all with one big statement here.

To me that is a bit sad and depressing and makes me think there is alot more going on underneath her surface than "I dont' like my guy wearing dresses". She needs to not pass *GO* till she sees some therapists to work out these self destructive behaviors.

Anyway, I am pulling an armchair psycologist on you....in the end ...you need to ask yourself, how long can you survive like this?

Kathy,

Interesting observations. Thanks.

Over the past few years, the Internet has helped me discover that in fact many women, probably most women, actually enjoy and want sex. That was a big surprise to me because so much of popular culture still suggested that they didn't and my partners behaviour seemed to support that premise. While I have always been faithful to my partner, learning this, knowing this, has created a great deal of anxiety in me because I have a very strong 'mojo' as you put it and want very much to have a relationship where physical intimacy is an important component in building a strong and rich and fulfilling connection. She knows this is important and hence knows that the withdrawal of this cuts very deeply.

The children knowing or not knowing is a hard one to assess, because she still insists that we sleep in the same bed in the same bedroom and she gets angry at me when I don't feel like giving her a hug, giving her a kiss in the morning, holding her hand when we go to the mall or sitting with her and watching mindless TV. She is not willing to share intimacy, however, she wants everything else. She wants the appearance of normalcy, as if things were okay. There was a point about a month ago where I just completely turned off my emotions, stopped hugging her, wouldn't hold hands, wouldn't give her the good morning kiss at breakfast, wouldn't sit and watch TV with her and she totally freaked out on me. She said if I hear that you are having an affair with anyone...!!! Of course the truth was that I wasn't doing anything of the sort, I had just turned off emotionally. Pretty hard to go through all this lovey dovey stuff with her when I just don't feel that way.

Is there more to this than just the cross dressing, I suspect that there is. Her initial reaction 9 years back was probably what one would consider normal for any woman who discovers this secret. I fully accept that it was her right to be angry. The problem is that she has hung on to this for those nine years, gone on anti depressants (which don't help the mojo), has been unwilling to discuss this or come to terms with this and all of this has pushed me away emotionally. Intimacy has been poor to nothing at best in those 9 years. That has in great measure eroded the connection between us. This year I took a stand, gathered resources for her, got her and I into counselling, made it clear that I am willing to work with her on this, but I cannot deny who and what I am. Perhaps it is this drawing a line in the sand, saying I am who I am, that it is not a sickness, that I am finally accepting of me and I want her to be that way too, this loss of control on her part that has triggered this response. I don't know. Perhaps this is the only way that she feels that she can exercise some measure of control over me.

When she sees me drifting now emotionally, she gets angry. Recently she suggested that we seek counselling (which we, at my request, did earlier this year without result - this was something she did not want to do at that time) and I said to her that I am not sure that I want to seek counselling anymore, that I am hurt that she is using sex as a weapon to get me to stop a behaviour she does not like.

Whenever I say to her that she does not love me, she freaks out on me. She says that she does love me. I say to her that a person who loves another person tries to understand, tries to reach a middle ground, does not use sex as a weapon. She disagrees. It is all very confusing to me.

Part of the reason that I no longer want to seek counselling is because I am emotionally tired and I am just not sure that I care enough to do it anymore. After all that I have been through with her the lustre is off the relationship and I am not sure that I love her enough (and my hurt over all of this now runs deep) anymore to try and regain what we had once long ago. Perhaps, the relationship has just run its course. Not all relationships were meant to last forever and perhaps many relationships outlast their purpose. Not to sound cold but maybe we are not all meant to be together forever.

...and yet I stay. That is the part that I cannot quite figure out, I stay in a situation that seems to clearly be going nowhere. That leads me to believe that there must be something else that keeps me here, a slight thread of hope. Don't get me wrong, while the love I have for her is fading, I still love her. That is the irony of it all. It is like a campfire that is starting to go out and you are looking around to see if you can find a bit more wood to throw on it and get it started back up again, but there seems to be no fuel around and you are too tired to journey out further from camp to find it.

Sorry for all the metaphors.

Thanks for your insights and sorry for the rambling thoughts. It was rambling thoughts like this earlier when I posted on this site that helped me deal with the acceptance of my cross dressing self and perhaps I am now at a stage where I need to deal with a new problem.

Thanks for the armchair psycology...you can probably tell by the twists and turns in the roadway of this post that I am very confused about much of this.

Huggs
Melissa

[melissacd]

I am really sorry to hear about your GLady, alot of us go through the very same thing. My Xwife said I was cheating on her with Myself. (figure that one out) I have always wanted a LOVING relationship with the right GLady, one that Accepts both sides of me. This is really hard to find. I guess it's up to you with what makes you happy inside. My x started cheating on beacuse she said I was cheating on her. The funny thing is that she wanted both me and her Boyfriend (I don't think so) and was very upset and ready to kill me when I said I was going to find someone else.

It seems that there is a common experience here and I find it very interesting that you say that she was upset when you desired someone else. That is to some extent where I am getting to. As I tire of the game at home I find myself looking elsewhere. I have always been faithful, though in the last couple of years I have found myself close to being unfaithful. I have found that if the right woman came along and made a move I would not turn it down. I feel that my wife senses that now and is a new source of anger for her. It is an issue of control, I think. She takes away the candy and then gets angry if she senses that I am shopping around for another supplier.

[ReginaK]

Speaking as someone who has never been married, i've never understood why crossdressers still get married. It's obvious what we do isn't exactly a socially endorsed activity, so you can only assume a person you marry wouldn't exactly endorse it. It seems like getting married is shooting yourself in the foot.

Sure there is the incredibly rare GG who will accept it. You might even get one who not only accepts it, but participates as well. But unless you're going in to a relationship with full disclosure, your chances of finding that woman are even lower.

[BeckyAnderson]

Hi Melissa,

My heart goes out to you girl. I, all too well, know what you are going through and so many of us are going through the same thing. It's funny how our wives are always saying they didn't bargain for this, that they are hurt, embarrased, lied to, blah, blah, blah. I get really tired of hearing the same old rhetoric over and over again. They don't, even for a second, take the time to think of what we have and are going through. At least in my case, she is so wrapped up in her own little world of status. "Oh my God! What will people think of me if they find out that I am married to a man who wears woman's clothes????) I'll lose my friends, my family will abandon me, I'll be the laughing stock of the neighborhood, blah blah blah......" Geez, are they married to them? Do they know what it means to work through life's rough spots as " husband and wife." I suppose they want to pick and choose which rough spots to handle...... Do they love their friends and family more than their husband. If so, then perhaps the relationship isn't what it appears to be to everyone else.

Yes, they have fears and I am not trying to minimalize those fears but so does the crossdresser. What makes them think for one minute that we had a choice? What makes them think, for one minute, that we don't have many of the same fears? What makes them think that we don't need their support, their energy, their thoughts and their guidance? It is so much easier for them to bury their head in the sand and pretend that this issue doesn't exist. NEWS FLASH!!!!! It's not going to dissappear!

I think it is fear of the unknown which causes many of the problems in a relationship. Wow! "Fear of the Unknown." Now there's a phrase for ya! It's been around since the dawn of time. People used to fear falling off of the Earth until they found out it was round. How did their fear change? They explored the unknown. By reaching out in discovery they learned that there is nothing to fear. If, in a relationship, a partner is unwilling to reach out, explore and learn then the problem goes much deeper than the crossdressing issue.

Sorry to go off on a tangent like that.....For me I think, at my age, it is the prospect of starting over again that keeps me in my marriage. It's not a fear of starting over but more like not having the energy to set up a new life. Don't get me wrong though, if push came to shove, I would find the energy to do it.

Melissa, I want to wish you all the best and I really, truly hope that you can work through the hurdles in your relationship.

Hugs,
Becky

[Charity's GG]

Wow Melissa! A great big:hugs: for you! Stay strong! Im not sure what advice to offer as it seems youve tried everything. At this point, if I were you, I would seriously consider calling it quits. There has got to be a happy medium somewhere! And her playing the "no sex" card is WRONG! Have a good day...Charity's GG:happy:

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

iam so sorry to hear of your situation. i read thru it, and everybodys comments. we all have "differant" aspects of our relationships, be it the person whom c/d, or the SO who goes thru every emotion going on the journey with their c/d husband/b/f/partner. sometimes dont u just wish someone had all the right answers, made everything ok ? *sigh* :sad: but reality bites, and we have to deal/cope with the everyday running of our lives. when u love someone,and i suppose try to look thru all the "bad" stuff going on,its easy to find ( as i call it ), a "get-out-clause".blame this/that the other, anything but whats truley going on. if somethings worth fighting/saving then l find a way to get thru this :happy: .
:love:

[Carroll]

four words:
1) Love
2) Compassion
3) Understanding
4) Communication

[Nigella]

An unending need to have my soul mate Sandra at my side :love:

[Krystenw]

I don't know where I went right. Wheather it was telling my wife before we got married or just not hiding things from her.
We have been married for 32 years and we still love and respect each other. She has been my best friend as well as my wife.

[Di]

Melissa, I love what you have written under your name..........finding myself again.......................................I only wish your wife would see.........all of this makes up....the person she loves. I am so sorry... she sure seems very selfish....the no sex.........how very manipulative she is to try and get her way.
You have tried everything that I can see..........and my hats off to you. My only suggestion ( since you have tried the rest)..since there might be a thread of hope as you put it..............is try one more time the counselling...now that she is willing............I know you said you were emotionally exhasted...and do not really want to do that...but thats the only thing I can see right now.......Wishing you the best :hugs: Di

[kathy gg]

Melissa

It is good tht you are thinking and talking about this stuff and getting it off your chest.

I have an even odder angle to look at this through....let's say your son {or daughter for that matter} was grown and came to you with this very situation. As the parent of the child going through a life of percieved happiness, but with no real connection or show of intimacy.....what woudl your advice be to the child not getting the love and intimacy that they need?
What would you tell someone who needed guidence if in this situation?

For myself...I would think my child deserves and needs love and closeness which husbands and wives are supposed to share. I would advise my child that if therapy did not work and they are being treated like this way that being alone would be alot easier than being manipulated and played like a pupet on a string.

I often like to turn problems around and look at it from three ways. I first look at it my way through my eyes. Then I look at it from my spouses eyes...then a third party who I care deeply for. Prior to having my kid, I would put my best and closest dearest friend in that sitaution.

Sometiems when we look at things as a removed third party the picture looks quiet different and sometimes the answer are literally right in front of our face. It is soo very very hard to be objective when we are living in that moment and we are feeling what we feel. That is the string of doubt you are hanging onto....that is your blind spot.

The hard part is then facing that truth and then setting it right.

Melissa...hug it out girl....you are going to work through this. :hugs:

your friend
kathy



Kathy,

Interesting observations. Thanks.

Over the past few years, the Internet has helped me discover that in fact many women, probably most women, actually enjoy and want sex. That was a big surprise to me because so much of popular culture still suggested that they didn't and my partners behaviour seemed to support that premise. While I have always been faithful to my partner, learning this, knowing this, has created a great deal of anxiety in me because I have a very strong 'mojo' as you put it and want very much to have a relationship where physical intimacy is an important component in building a strong and rich and fulfilling connection. She knows this is important and hence knows that the withdrawal of this cuts very deeply.

The children knowing or not knowing is a hard one to assess, because she still insists that we sleep in the same bed in the same bedroom and she gets angry at me when I don't feel like giving her a hug, giving her a kiss in the morning, holding her hand when we go to the mall or sitting with her and watching mindless TV. She is not willing to share intimacy, however, she wants everything else. She wants the appearance of normalcy, as if things were okay. There was a point about a month ago where I just completely turned off my emotions, stopped hugging her, wouldn't hold hands, wouldn't give her the good morning kiss at breakfast, wouldn't sit and watch TV with her and she totally freaked out on me. She said if I hear that you are having an affair with anyone...!!! Of course the truth was that I wasn't doing anything of the sort, I had just turned off emotionally. Pretty hard to go through all this lovey dovey stuff with her when I just don't feel that way.

Is there more to this than just the cross dressing, I suspect that there is. Her initial reaction 9 years back was probably what one would consider normal for any woman who discovers this secret. I fully accept that it was her right to be angry. The problem is that she has hung on to this for those nine years, gone on anti depressants (which don't help the mojo), has been unwilling to discuss this or come to terms with this and all of this has pushed me away emotionally. Intimacy has been poor to nothing at best in those 9 years. That has in great measure eroded the connection between us. This year I took a stand, gathered resources for her, got her and I into counselling, made it clear that I am willing to work with her on this, but I cannot deny who and what I am. Perhaps it is this drawing a line in the sand, saying I am who I am, that it is not a sickness, that I am finally accepting of me and I want her to be that way too, this loss of control on her part that has triggered this response. I don't know. Perhaps this is the only way that she feels that she can exercise some measure of control over me.

When she sees me drifting now emotionally, she gets angry. Recently she suggested that we seek counselling (which we, at my request, did earlier this year without result - this was something she did not want to do at that time) and I said to her that I am not sure that I want to seek counselling anymore, that I am hurt that she is using sex as a weapon to get me to stop a behaviour she does not like.

Whenever I say to her that she does not love me, she freaks out on me. She says that she does love me. I say to her that a person who loves another person tries to understand, tries to reach a middle ground, does not use sex as a weapon. She disagrees. It is all very confusing to me.

Part of the reason that I no longer want to seek counselling is because I am emotionally tired and I am just not sure that I care enough to do it anymore. After all that I have been through with her the lustre is off the relationship and I am not sure that I love her enough (and my hurt over all of this now runs deep) anymore to try and regain what we had once long ago. Perhaps, the relationship has just run its course. Not all relationships were meant to last forever and perhaps many relationships outlast their purpose. Not to sound cold but maybe we are not all meant to be together forever.

...and yet I stay. That is the part that I cannot quite figure out, I stay in a situation that seems to clearly be going nowhere. That leads me to believe that there must be something else that keeps me here, a slight thread of hope. Don't get me wrong, while the love I have for her is fading, I still love her. That is the irony of it all. It is like a campfire that is starting to go out and you are looking around to see if you can find a bit more wood to throw on it and get it started back up again, but there seems to be no fuel around and you are too tired to journey out further from camp to find it.

Sorry for all the metaphors.

Thanks for your insights and sorry for the rambling thoughts. It was rambling thoughts like this earlier when I posted on this site that helped me deal with the acceptance of my cross dressing self and perhaps I am now at a stage where I need to deal with a new problem.

Thanks for the armchair psycology...you can probably tell by the twists and turns in the roadway of this post that I am very confused about much of this.

Huggs
Melissa

[soccervixen]

Simple - I love my wife and kids more than my desire to crossdress, so I subliminate that desire, and live at levels my wife can deal with. I have endured marital infidelity and the pain that brings, choosing to remain in the marriage and working through my pain to learn and grow. I made vows on that day over 20 years ago, and I don't intend to break them.

Do I love her or myself more?

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

[paulaN]

As far as I can see you have tried everything. I would not have lasted as long as you have, not nearly as long as you have. I'd get out!!!!!!!!

[GG Vanya]

Melissa,

I find it admirable that you haven't opted for the easy way out. i.e. lie and tell her you've stopped dressing (while you continue to dress in secret) so that your marriage can remain intact and the intimacy with the woman you obviously love deeply can resume. You've chosen honesty when deceit would serve you better in the short term.

That's the sort of integrity I admire! :happy:

I think it's unconscionable that a wife (or husband for that matter) would use sex as a weapon. My oldest sister did that in her first marriage, and it resulted in disaster. It's also extremely cruel and selfish that she "teases" you with small crumbs of intimacy (hugs, kisses, holding hands) while with holding the very thing she knows you need so desperately.

I think it's very telling that she panics when you unplug physically and emotionally from her. It seems to be absolutely about control with her.

I read a remark here by someone (can't remember who) who said:

While the wife should not desire to control the crossdressing, she also has the right to not be controlled by it.

It's a path strewn with hazards that leads to that delicate balance.

I agree with others who have said it seems you've done/tried every thing humanly possible. I also agree that *maybe* counseling is a good idea now that *she* wants it.

In any case, I'd advise you to try the counseling once again. If it fails, at least you will have the peace of knowing in your heart that you gave it all you had to give.

You have my respect and I pray you'll find peace.

[Sarah Rabbit]

I hate to see a relationship go pearshape, but after nine years of what I would describe as a very unhealthy situation. I would seriously think about making a move. O.K. maybe a councellor can help, and if you decide to take this road, make sure the councellor is familiar with TG issues, the last thing you want is an incompetant encouraging your wife in her narrow minded views. Failing this, I would be sitting down and doing some deep soul searching to find out what is keeping you there. Is it financial, if so, there is nothing wrong admitting to this. Seperation and possible subsequent divorce can be an expensive prospect, and appropriate measures may need to be implemented to ensure a fair outcome for all. Is it for the family? Whatever road you take, rest assured, they will survive, children can be durable and very adaptable to all types of situations, if it is handled correctly. Is it love?. You love her, but are you 'In Love with her' enough to stay in this situation. Do YOU think the love and the relationship is salvageable?


The road we travel is not an easy one, but the trip is worth it in the end. I hope things work out for you Melissa.

All the best Hon:hugs:

Sarah R. :bunny:

[melissacd]

I have to say that I am overwhelmed by all of the wonderful responses, both public and private that I have received to this thread. Clearly this has resonated with some of you. I know that we all have our struggles and I am certainly not advocating that we give up trying to fight the good fight and save what is worth saving. I think what I am trying to say is there comes a time to realize that a dead horse is a dead horse and no amount of whipping it will bring it back to life.

I see so many threads where others have had similar struggles as I am having and it bothers me when others say 'it is only CDing, you should give that up if you love your wife'. I shudder now when I see that. It is like saying if you really love someone you will cut off your right arm. That statement trivializes what CDing is, it is a part of who you are, it is not a sickness, a malady to be cured of, it is your authentic self. To say anything less is being untruthful to yourself and more importantly to your partner. CDing has created components within your personality that are the very things that she fell in love with. Saying you can stop is the worst form of denial. I know, I have done this for so many years that it has created medical problems for me that I am now working through. It has de-stabilized my health and I know that I am worth more than that.

CDing or perhaps better stated, feminine expression, is just who we are. This is not something you can just throw on the back shelf and forget. This is serious stuff, it is an important part of our character, it is not just about dressing up, it is about expressing our true personality, enjoying the world the way we were meant to enjoy it. When someone tells me if I truelly love my wife I will stop for her I think --- what about me? I cannot stop it because I love my wife, that would be the real lie and that is just wrong.

It was a moral dilema for me to hide it and now it is a moral dilema for me to deny it. I will neither hide nor deny it anymore. If that means that my relationship ends then so be it. To thine own self be true.

Melissa