Feeling Depressed

[Deborah_UK]

I suffer from depression - but I manage to keep a lid on it most times. I'm going through a stressful time at work right now, I've been deputising in a higher grade, but that ends tomorrow, and I've joked about how it might stress & depress me, but a woman in my office said that she could never imagine me being depressed. I must put on a pretty good show. I don't know what this depression has to do with my gender issues - but its always underlying in everything I do, think or even say. I hate presenting to the world my male self, I hate everyone seeing me as the all round good guy, I hate that useless thing between my legs - but I am too bloody scared to do anything about it.

I overhear the girls at work talking about make-up, hair-dos al the sorts of things that GGs seem to enjoy talking about and I desperately want to be part of that circle - but know that even if I transitioned or started transitioning I would not be part of that - I'd still be considered a freak.

I hate my life as a guy - but cannot see that life would be any better as a transsexual female.

Sorry for wasting your time reading this - but I had to open up somewhere.

[CaptLex]

I hate my life as a guy - but cannot see that life would be any better as a transsexual female.

Sorry for wasting your time reading this - but I had to open up somewhere.
My time was not wasted (and if it were . . . well, let's just say I don't mind). Back to your story: first of all, that's what this place is for - to open up and let it all out. I hope doing that made you feel better. Second, have you spoken to a therapist or counselor? It sounds like you feel you're damned if you do (you hate your life as a guy) and you're damned if you don't (life would not be any better as a TS female). Is that about it?

I know about depression too (we're old friends) - and I know about putting on a good show so nobody around me has a clue. But at the end of the day, I know about it and I have to live with it. I'm not a doctor or therapist, but therapy has helped me a lot. All I can say is find what makes you happy. If neither of these options makes you happy, then maybe there's another option.

In any case, we're here if you need to rant - and you don't have to put on a show for us. :hugs:

[Lisa Golightly]

Lewis Wolpert wrote a book about depression entitled Malignant sadness... I always thought it a good description. Not a sufferer myself but my brother is and an ex was... End of the day as Wolpert said there is nothing I can offer you except sympathy. All the answers lie within you... Maybe it's time to be selfish.

[GypsyKaren]

Oh geez, rant away! Depression used to be my middle name until I came out and went full time, it's amazing what a change in lifestyle can do for you. I know for me it was something that came and went in cycles, maybe this will lighten up for you soon. Anyway, we're always here for you, it's never a bother.

Karen

[suzy]

Hi Deborah,

There is no such thing as wasting my time here! Please feel free to discuss anything on your mind with us!

I can offer you friendship and an ear but I have no experience with depression. I need to learn about it tho...because my wife has it and I'm trying to go through it with her.. It is difficult sometimes.

It is important to get professional help though. Sometimes it's medication and sometimes it's therapy but it usually helps significantly. Life is not as hopeless as you think it is... we all have our own set of issues...some are related to CD and others are not. We all can use friends and help occasionally.

Remember that anything that you discuss here impacts a lot of people who will benefit from your comments. For example... Lisa just posted the name and author of a book on depression...Malignant Sadness by Lewis Wolpert. Thank You Lisa! :thumbsup: I am going to order the book now because I think it may help me understand better what my wife is going through.

Good luck hun... don't hesitate to discuss what's on your mind... here's some flowers...:love:

[Siobhan Marie]

Hi Deborah,
you're not wasting my time. I've never suffered from depression so I have no idea what you're going through. But like the others have said you feel free to rant away but remember this, we all have to talk to someone and if that someone is us then you fire away, we're here for you and don't you ever forget that. If you really need to someone to talk to, you can always PM me. I'll always answer you.

If its any comfort to you at all, I'm sending you a huge :hugs: and a :koc:

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[AmberTG]

I have had cyclic depression all my life so I know something about how you feel. I've been doing much better sense I started talking to a therapist. I was put on a low of dose of a SSRI anti depressant to help even me out so I could work on the reasons for my depression without that big cloud over my mind. That may be something for you to consider, it's hard to think straight about issues when you have trouble thinking about stuff because of depression.

[Scotty]

Maybe it's time to be selfish.

I like that!!!


I hate my life as a guy - but cannot see that life would be any better as a transsexual female.



Are you on HRT, and are you on a Testosterone blocker? (Depro, Cyperterone acetate etc?)???

If so, you may find that it's induced......the Cyperterone I've read can actually cause depression - as soon as i got off of it I came back to my almost normal self......

Hormones?

The only thing I can say is to love who you are each day, and transition or progress as you see fit.

I come home and do something for myself, I am selfish about that!!! I spend an hour to two doing something that makes *ME* happy. Do something that used to make you happy or still does......

It's hard, you have to force yourself to do it just to keep from slipping further, but it doesn't bring you out of it, it only keeps it from getting worse.

I wish you well!

[Stlalice]

One thing I found out the hard way - depression is the handmaiden of Gender Dsyophoria. The feelings you describe are almost exactly what I went thru before starting transition. Do yourself a favor - face up to it and get yourself to a good therapist that specializes in gender issues. As for living as a transwoman - it might well surprise you haw passable you can be - I know I was. As for acceptance - some will, some won't just like they do now and from what I've seen the laws protecting your expression of gender identity are way stronger than where I am. Hang in there - the scariest step is the first one and as you go on your confidence will build. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

[AmberTG]

According to my therapist, depression is one of the main symptoms of Gender Dysphoria, obviously not the only one, but the one that sticks out the most. That's why they call it dysphoria. You need to address the depression first in order to be able deal with the causes behind it. I used to think about suicide on a semi-regular basis, sense being on the anti-depressant, I don't think about it at all, and my dose is a small one, about half of the "normal" recomended dose. Just enough to relieve the crushing depression so I can function. Dealing with the gender issues is much easier now.
Amber

[Calliope]

I suffer from depression - but I manage to keep a lid on it most times.


Are you 'treating' it via meds or therapy? Depression is a killer if left untreated.



[...] even if I transitioned or started transitioning I would not be part of that - I'd still be considered a freak.


I wouldn't be so sure of that. It's been my experience that if you act like a lady, the world follows suit.



I hate my life as a guy - but cannot see that life would be any better as a transsexual female.


Seems like you're ready for something different in your life, though, don't you think?

Would a new job be conceivable?

[Deborah_UK]

Thank you everyone for kind and thoughtful replies.

I have been down the anti-depressant pills road - I had more problems with the side effects than the actual depression itself.

I have not started hormones although I used to attend the gender dysphoria clinic in Nottingham, but because I had no plans to transition at that time the assistance I got from there was limited. I missed a couple of appointments because my dad was dying of cancer, and so to get re-referred I have to go through the whole NHS referral process which can take over a year. (I can't afford private).

At the time of my original post - I was really down, and needed to vent, today is a good day (so far!) - so felt I could reply without muy depression getting in the way.

Thanks again for your replies - it is comforting to know that I can turn to people who know what I'm going through, and hope that I can help others from my own experiences.

[janedoe311]

Yes I could have written it.
Have had depression so bad could not get out of the bed for a day, many times in the last few months. Wife "understands" and keeps the kids away.
Seems to be taking less to set it off.

So you are not alone.