sherri
01-10-2005, 03:08 PM
The following is my most recent post in my LiveJournal blog (http://www.livejournal.com/users/sherribicd/). You gurls are so wonderful, I'm hoping you'll tolerate my thinking out loud here:
I went out again Saturday night, inspired by some of my online activities and hopeful of having a good time. I recently discovered a terrific site called Crossdressers Forum at www.crossdressers.com, which is a discussion thread site. There are some really nice gurls participating there. Having spent quite a bit of time reading the threads, I am surprised at the number of gurls with many years' experience who never go out in public en femme. If you've been reading my posts here, you know one of my goals is to overcome the isolation experienced by so many crossdressers. Of course, I am also surprised by the boldness of the few who dare to go out in broad daylight to stores, malls, restaurants, etc — something I don't have the courage to do, at least not this close to home.
Anyway, I have had a real sense that people at the club are finally starting to accept me, even to warm up to me. On New Years Eve, a number of people stopped to greet me, give me a hug and chat for a moment, although none lingered very long. I could have gone home with a cute guy, and it was tempting, but I could tell he had had too much to drink and I didn't want an "encounter" under those circumstances.
So Saturday evening I took considerable pains with my makeup and brunette wig, wanting to look my best. I selected an ivory cashmere sweater over my black see-through bra and 38D silicone breastforms, a 12" black knit mini-skirt, sheer off-black thigh high stockings, red bikini panties, strappy 4" sandal heels and a black purse. Once dressed, I checked myself in the mirror several times and was pleased with what I saw.
Driving along the inner city expressway on the way to the club, I had to pass an 18-wheeler truck and experienced a moment of playfulness. As I pulled up beside the cab, I turned on an interior light, hiked my skirt up high to show my thighs above the tops of my stockings, and pulled my sweater up to reveal my breasts. The truck was on my right, so I couldn't see the driver, but I knew he could see into my car if he looked. I passed him slowly and to my delight, the driver honked his horn. After I passed him, I pulled back into the middle lane and watched my mirror as the truck moved into the right land and pulled up beside me. As the driver watched, I pulled my skirt up even higher and caressed my breasts, thighs and panties. So fun! As my exit neared, I pulled ahead of him and as I exited I rolled down my window and waved goodbye. He responded with three long blasts of his horn. I am quite sure he thought he had just been teased by a real, sexily dressed woman.
There were only a few people at the club when I arrived at 9:00. Some nights the place is crowded, some nights not. I took my usual place at the bar and ordered a weak vodka tonic with lemon. I chatted with the nice bartender for a few minutes, but was otherwise alone. About ten the place started filling up a bit, all guys who tend to congregate on the other side of the bar near the pool tables. On a trip to the restroom I bumped into a guy dressed in drab who sometimes performs in the drag shows. It was the first time I'd seen him in drab and I didn't recognize him, but he called me by name and gave me a hug. I was hoping he would come over and talk to me later, but he never did.
In fact, no one except for the bartender talked to me the whole evening. On the other hand, I didn't approach anyone either, which points up one of my personal shortcomings. I am a shy person by nature and an absolute bumbling idiot when it comes to making small talk, traits only exacerbated by not wishing to force anyone to accept my feminine personna. The problem is compounded by the fact that I am not gay, plus I am older than most of the guys who frequent the club. So I just sit there on my barstool like a bump on a log. I had another drink, after which I was ready to leave, not because I wanted to end the evening, but because I was tired of being the only person in the club not interacting with other people. The bartender asked if I wanted another drink and I said no, but just as I was gathering my things to leave, he brought me another drink. Thinking he had misunderstood me, I reached to take some money out of my purse, but the bartender smiled and said the drink was on him. So sweet. I don't know what his motive was, but I was so touched by the gesture I felt a little lump in my throat.
I left the club about 11:30, walking past the other people with my head high and using my best high-heeled swish. I wasn't trying to appear haughty or upset, just calm, confident and feminine.
I dropped by the adult video store again, not because I really wanted to, but because it is one of the only other places I know I can go. The place was pretty busy. Several guys smiled and looked. I noticed there were two couples browsing around and saw them whispering when they spotted me. One middle-aged guy patted me on the ass and asked me to go to the theater with him, but when I hedged, he became rather pushy about it, a real attitude, so I told him to forget it, I wasn't going back there. He left, and after waiting 15 minutes, so did I.
I must say, the evening left me rather dispirited. Why am I going out? Well, it's fun to be out dressed, something I can't really do at home right now (just the opposite of many crossdressers' situation). It is true I would like to have sex, but while I'm not expecting a serious relationship, I would like it to be something more than a wham-bam with a stranger. A far more important reason, however, is that I want to be accepted by other people and to have pleasant times with them, perhaps even develop real friendships. How nice it would be to spend an evening at a friend's place, with other people there too perhaps, real people having real conversations, having dinner (I'm a great cook), watching a movie (I luv movies), maybe snuggling on a couch.
How nice, yes, and probably how unlikely. Who am I kidding? More likely pigs will fly. My need to dress is not diminished, but perhaps I will put my things away for awhile. I keep hoping against hope that my online activities will produce opportunities for in-person friendship. In the meantime, I have to wonder, why is it that we cultivate a predilection that is so likely to foster isolation and loneliness? It's hard enough having meaningful relationships in this old world without piling on more difficulties.
I went out again Saturday night, inspired by some of my online activities and hopeful of having a good time. I recently discovered a terrific site called Crossdressers Forum at www.crossdressers.com, which is a discussion thread site. There are some really nice gurls participating there. Having spent quite a bit of time reading the threads, I am surprised at the number of gurls with many years' experience who never go out in public en femme. If you've been reading my posts here, you know one of my goals is to overcome the isolation experienced by so many crossdressers. Of course, I am also surprised by the boldness of the few who dare to go out in broad daylight to stores, malls, restaurants, etc — something I don't have the courage to do, at least not this close to home.
Anyway, I have had a real sense that people at the club are finally starting to accept me, even to warm up to me. On New Years Eve, a number of people stopped to greet me, give me a hug and chat for a moment, although none lingered very long. I could have gone home with a cute guy, and it was tempting, but I could tell he had had too much to drink and I didn't want an "encounter" under those circumstances.
So Saturday evening I took considerable pains with my makeup and brunette wig, wanting to look my best. I selected an ivory cashmere sweater over my black see-through bra and 38D silicone breastforms, a 12" black knit mini-skirt, sheer off-black thigh high stockings, red bikini panties, strappy 4" sandal heels and a black purse. Once dressed, I checked myself in the mirror several times and was pleased with what I saw.
Driving along the inner city expressway on the way to the club, I had to pass an 18-wheeler truck and experienced a moment of playfulness. As I pulled up beside the cab, I turned on an interior light, hiked my skirt up high to show my thighs above the tops of my stockings, and pulled my sweater up to reveal my breasts. The truck was on my right, so I couldn't see the driver, but I knew he could see into my car if he looked. I passed him slowly and to my delight, the driver honked his horn. After I passed him, I pulled back into the middle lane and watched my mirror as the truck moved into the right land and pulled up beside me. As the driver watched, I pulled my skirt up even higher and caressed my breasts, thighs and panties. So fun! As my exit neared, I pulled ahead of him and as I exited I rolled down my window and waved goodbye. He responded with three long blasts of his horn. I am quite sure he thought he had just been teased by a real, sexily dressed woman.
There were only a few people at the club when I arrived at 9:00. Some nights the place is crowded, some nights not. I took my usual place at the bar and ordered a weak vodka tonic with lemon. I chatted with the nice bartender for a few minutes, but was otherwise alone. About ten the place started filling up a bit, all guys who tend to congregate on the other side of the bar near the pool tables. On a trip to the restroom I bumped into a guy dressed in drab who sometimes performs in the drag shows. It was the first time I'd seen him in drab and I didn't recognize him, but he called me by name and gave me a hug. I was hoping he would come over and talk to me later, but he never did.
In fact, no one except for the bartender talked to me the whole evening. On the other hand, I didn't approach anyone either, which points up one of my personal shortcomings. I am a shy person by nature and an absolute bumbling idiot when it comes to making small talk, traits only exacerbated by not wishing to force anyone to accept my feminine personna. The problem is compounded by the fact that I am not gay, plus I am older than most of the guys who frequent the club. So I just sit there on my barstool like a bump on a log. I had another drink, after which I was ready to leave, not because I wanted to end the evening, but because I was tired of being the only person in the club not interacting with other people. The bartender asked if I wanted another drink and I said no, but just as I was gathering my things to leave, he brought me another drink. Thinking he had misunderstood me, I reached to take some money out of my purse, but the bartender smiled and said the drink was on him. So sweet. I don't know what his motive was, but I was so touched by the gesture I felt a little lump in my throat.
I left the club about 11:30, walking past the other people with my head high and using my best high-heeled swish. I wasn't trying to appear haughty or upset, just calm, confident and feminine.
I dropped by the adult video store again, not because I really wanted to, but because it is one of the only other places I know I can go. The place was pretty busy. Several guys smiled and looked. I noticed there were two couples browsing around and saw them whispering when they spotted me. One middle-aged guy patted me on the ass and asked me to go to the theater with him, but when I hedged, he became rather pushy about it, a real attitude, so I told him to forget it, I wasn't going back there. He left, and after waiting 15 minutes, so did I.
I must say, the evening left me rather dispirited. Why am I going out? Well, it's fun to be out dressed, something I can't really do at home right now (just the opposite of many crossdressers' situation). It is true I would like to have sex, but while I'm not expecting a serious relationship, I would like it to be something more than a wham-bam with a stranger. A far more important reason, however, is that I want to be accepted by other people and to have pleasant times with them, perhaps even develop real friendships. How nice it would be to spend an evening at a friend's place, with other people there too perhaps, real people having real conversations, having dinner (I'm a great cook), watching a movie (I luv movies), maybe snuggling on a couch.
How nice, yes, and probably how unlikely. Who am I kidding? More likely pigs will fly. My need to dress is not diminished, but perhaps I will put my things away for awhile. I keep hoping against hope that my online activities will produce opportunities for in-person friendship. In the meantime, I have to wonder, why is it that we cultivate a predilection that is so likely to foster isolation and loneliness? It's hard enough having meaningful relationships in this old world without piling on more difficulties.