suppression blues

[DONTDREAMIT]

Anyone else in this situation. Living with a flat mate or people who r from the planet normal,and finds this whole cross dressing thing sick.Its meant i've had to throw away a lot of stuff each time i've got caught.At times, it feels like therepy ie maybe i need to be chastised and brought back to reality,maybe its good that i suppress these urges, i mean, during these breaks into enforced normality,I'm less obsessed,i can get on with other projects,and i feel better about my chances of meeting and settling down with a nice girl.The urges are still there and last month i dared to start up again,just with a few items and shaved myself all over.I took what i learnt from previous captures,and was much more vigilant and carefull,then something happend and this time i purged on my own.I saw a real gorgeous lady,whilst on a job,dressed in such a feminine way, and i was, on the one hand totally envious,so much so i wanted to get down to the nearest clothes shop and go mad with the visa,and on the other, thinking "God! what am i doing,this is the type of woman i want in my life,how can i expect to get that when i'm doing all this",I felt dirty and creepy.I went home and promptly dumped what i had. This WS is now my only outlet.I know the urge will come back,but i want to get my own place first.I want to find a nice girl but try to bring the cross dressing issue up tactfully and make the whole thing like a light hearted fun thing to do,because, at the end of day, i believe it is.

Sorry for waffling on,just getting things off my chest,and yes that includes the bra

[DonnaT]

Welcome to the forum!

some friendly advice:

As you already know, purging your fem clothes only leads to the necessity of spending more money on more fem clothes when the urge comes back.

You say you've been caught and purged because of it. Well, don't purge because it does not change the fact that you've been caught. It does not change the fact that you are a crossdresser.

You want to purge so you can feel normal, meet a girl, etc.

You are already normal. You just have an extra side of you.

There are girls out there that like crossdressers.

And even when you do meet a girl, you'll need to be honest with her when you start building a lasting relationship.

One thing many of us have learned, honesty up front. Hiding it from her until after marriage is wrong. She'll feel lied to, fell betrayed, etc. MAYBE, maybe she won't, but it's best to find out her feelings about your CDing before making that final commitment.

Just imagine the angst you are going through now, compounded by marriage. There is no cure for CDing. You were born transgendered, so you might as well accept it.

So, someone you know has a problem with it, you need to be happy with yourself and not worry about what others think. If you have a problem with someone smoking, will they give it up because you don't like it. Of course not. And CDing isn't even a habit, its a compulsion you are born with, so you can't quit, permanently.

[AnnaMaria]

Dontdreamit,

I know the pain you are going through. I spent the first 32 yrs of my life trying to hide the fact that I was different. Note I didn't say wierd or a freak, just different. And that is how I have come to see myself since I started coming to this forum.

The fact is that no matter what you do you will always have a part of you that feels unfulfilled until you accept the fact that you are transgendered and yo start to move on with your life with that knowledge as part of your way of thinking.

No living this lifestyle is not always easy and finding someone that will love you for who you are is even harder. But when you do find someone that loves and accepts you for who you really are you will discover that it will be a relationship that is likely to last for the length of your lifetimes. I know this because I am married to a wonderful woman that accepts who I am and is honestly trying to learn as much about who I am as she possibley can. She is loving and supportive and I know that I would be lost withour her.

The only regret that I have is that I was not honest with her from the begining. You will discover that if you accept who you are and do your best to move forward with life you will begin to recognize feelings that have long been burried by your fear of rejection and it will be easier to develop relationships with women as a result. I know this because it was Anna's feelings of love and devotion to my wife that brought us together. It was me allowings Anna's feelings to come to the surface that told my wife how I felt about her.

Just know that in all the uncertianty and fear there is hope as long as you don't try to bury what you are feeling. That is the worst thing that you could ever do. Believe me, it ends up feeling like a fate worse than death and it can only do you harm.
Now I am not saying that you should go right out and start to tell the world that you are transgendered. Not by a long shot. But you do need to accept that you are and start to learn more about what it really means as well as the good things that it can bring to your life.
I hope that somewhere in all my rambling you find a little help and hope.

huggs
anna

p.s. welcome to the group and I hope you enjoy your stay with us.

[Melissa A.]

Hi, Dontdreamit, Gosh, honey, everything you are saying is so familiar. That's because I've lived it. You aren't alone in how you feel.

Julie and Anna pretty much said everythingThat I would have, so I will just add this:

I have been caught, embarrassed, mortified. I also have been through two failed marraiges. Not all my fault, not all because of cd. But I'm sure it didn't help. It is only in the last year or so that I have accepted and embraced who I am. Once you honestly do that, you will be amazed at how your life will change. But ,I guess, it has to be something you truly feel. Maybe we have to go through all this stuff to get to the place where we are ready to be ourselves.

I know, so well, the temptation and desire to have a "normal" life and relationship. But nothing is more important than being who you are. I learned it the hard way - twice. Coming out was scary, but I have now met a woman who loves cds, just when I least expected it. Maybe I was just lucky. But it never would have happened if I was still in denial.

I think Julie and Anna gave you the best advice. I just wanted to add a little, and tell you to keep your chin up, honey. Be honest with yourself and you will find the answers. Good stuff will happen eventually.

Hope this has helped a little.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[KatieAnne]

DonnaT,

Very good advice Donna. I was going to say just about everything you said. The only time I had a problem with all of my fem things getting thrown away was after I left my parents home to join the army. My mom knew that I was crossdressing and figured sense I joined the army, I would not be dressing as Katie anymore, and gave away all my things to cousin's. After returning home from being away with the army for a year (I was on a 20 day leave), I went to my room where I had everything packed away in boxes. Afterall, I had told my mom I was not going away forever and would be returning for my things. I was so p---ed off at my mom for giving away my things that I made her call everyone she could remember giving my things to and had her tell them to return them or replace them if they did not have the item's anymore. Only a few items made it back to me and I very ticked off that my cousin's would not replace what was missing. I was so ticked off that I did not speak to my mom for three year's. And no, I did not feel guilty about not speaking to her, not the least bit, Everything in those boxes were mine and mine alone. She had no right to do what she did. Just because someone find's out that I am a crossdresser and love everything feminine, I would not part with any of my things. Screw them if they cannot handle my lifestyle. I live for me, not for them. I have a few close relationship's with females, but I would never marry one, maybe let one live with me, but marriage, no way no how. I am not cut out to be married. I can see it now, we both show up at the alter wearing wedding gown's. Yeah!, right! I am an adventurer. I am never home long enough to settle in for long period's of time. I love all my friendship's with other CD's and have a steady guy friend who live's in Germany. Here I go again, blabbering. Sorry Donna. Please excuse me. I should be a politician. I have so much BS and hot air. KatieAnne

[Melissa A.]

Shoot. Dont know why I said Julie. So sorry, Donna. Should have double checked. Feel pretty stupid. Sorry, honey. Melissa

[Tamara Croft]

Hiya Dontdreamit

Welcome to our forum. There are girlz out there that will except you for who you really are, just takes time to find that special person. We do exist, you just gotta keep looking :) I wouldn't change my SO ~Tammy~ for the world... I love her just the way she is :)

Tamara x

[Sweet Susan]

First of all, Don't, Welcome to the forum.

Secondly, forget purging. Too expensive.

Third: Not to brag, but I am married to a gorgeous, intelligent, stunning woman who I would have never thought would be okay with me being a crossdresser. I was wrong. She took to it like it was her idea. I was shocked, but I went with it. I'm more apprehensive than she is. So, don't let that get in your way. You never know what a woman will tolerate or enjoy until you present it to her.

[Lily_gg]

"God! what am i doing,this is the type of woman i want in my life,how can i expect to get that when i'm doing all this",I felt dirty and creepy.
DreamIt (NB DreamIt, not DontDreamIt),

Don't EVER feel "dirty and creepy" for being who you are, you hear me? Because there's a whole load of people on here who'll give you a good spanking (or bite your toes - mind the crispy shark) for doing so.

Now, repeat after me: "I am a wonderful, gorgeous, special person, with absolutely loads to offer any woman smart enough to fall for me".

Ok, now we've done that, allow me to introduce myself; I am Lily_GG, the gg stands for Genetic Girl, i.e. "real girl". I met and fell in love with my bf. Then, after about 18months, we broke up due to my feeling he didn't feel the same. This prompted him into his big 'confession' that he likes to dress (30+yrs suppression, never told a girlfriend before). We're now back together, I found this site whilst surfing for info to help me understand it all (not something I really knew about before, apart from Dame Edna Everage! :p), joined because I saw threads like yours and wanted to help. And bf and I? Well, we're currently long distance, but the last time I saw him, he let me see him as 'her' for the first time, and you know what? She's really rather cute :) And I still love him completely. Oh, and I'm absolutely stunningly gorgeous, intelligent, and of course modest :D

So, there are girls out there who will love you regardless, there are even girls who will love you more because you dress (some girls actually look for cds. I wasn't originally, but I'm more than happy to be with one now, and he's pretty hot as her too :p). And no girl is going to object to the softer more emotional side that cds seem to be able to display more freely than plain old men-men.

I really hope you manage to become happy with this part of yourself, sooner rather than later, and you know if you ever need to, we're all here *hugs*

[DONTDREAMIT]

THANK YOU ALL for your kind and thought provoking comments,I definitely will take it on board.This purging has set me back around £1500 over the last 2 years so I daren't risk buying anything until i get my own place other wise there'l be real ruptions with the flat mate,i mean i'll come home and it'l all be thrown away, without my say.My first job is to get my own place,then i can really be me,and stick my fingers up to the lot of em.

[Julie York]

Wow this thread is so good someone should put it in a book or something.
Great advice. Great sentiments and heart felt encouragement.







(Next time you purge.....pm me! I'll send my address and keep it all safe for you. No really I will. You'll hardly know they've been worn.)