childhood memory

[princessmichelle]

Hi,

Just today I remembered my first (?) childhood memory of wanting to be the opposite gender.

The memory struck me powerfully. Yes, there are earlier memories of fitting in better with the opposite gender, and there are early cd memories, but this specific instance was probably the first of consciously wanting to _be_ the other gender biologically.

I remember when it was, where I was, who I was with, and what the conversation was. I had sort of forgotten about it until today, and it is earlier than I would previously have put my solidly ts feelings. So it is a little exciting and a little weird.

Is this of interest to anyone except to me? Has anyone had a similar experience?

"Princess" Michelle

[Calliope]

Is this of interest to anyone except to me? Has anyone had a similar experience?


Well, there's a cliffhanging teaser if I ever heard one.

When I was in 1st grade, I remember wanting to be in the girl's lunch line. Also, I recall my disappointment seeing how my silhouette cameo (art project) didn't have the eyelashes all the girls' had. A few years later (1969 maybe) I overheard my parents discussing the movie Myra Breckinridge and I said to myself, 'So, it is possible.'

Care to touch upon your recollections? I'd love to hear whatever you're comfortable relating.

[Eileen]

Hon how long do you think we can hang on waiting for the rest of the story?
Please continue.

Eileen

[Lissa Stevens]

I remember having that feeling at the age of 8 or 9. It seems most of us realized we were different at a fairly young age.

[princessmichelle]

Okay, well, ahem.

The details, such as I'm allowed to describe them, are these: I was a kid and an older adult took care of me and two other kids, a younger boy and a slightly older girl. With sun and sweat, we went to the beach but on this particular day the girl -I was 12, she was 13 or 14- wasn't swimming.

We'd gone to the beach lots of times, and she always swam. Why not today? So I privately asked her, and she quietly explained about cotton disintegrating in the water. I was fascinated, and since at least that moment I've secretly wanted it to happen to my body too. Is it shameful?

I think of this yearning (for something inconvenient!) as something that separates me from being "just a crossdresser".

Red faced,

"Princess" Michelle

[Calliope]

I think of this yearning (for something inconvenient!) as something that separates me from being "just a crossdresser".


I'd go along with that. My current pet theory is (most) CDs seek out the 'glamour' of the fem experience (gender tourists) whereas TGs really want the entire universe - good and bad. Sometimes I think I stay with my (controlling, unaffectionate and unappreciative) mate because, reflecting my mother's own marriage, that sort of relationship seems the 'quintessence' of the fem life - and, yes, I'm totally dependent $-wise.

Thanks for sharing your unique recollections. It adds depth to a abstruse verbal history we all share, I think.

[MarieTS]

Yes, Michelle-- my recollections are graphically ingrained also. I remember so very clearly playing amongst a group of children and having it dawn on me that I was one of the girls. I remember exactly where I was so clearly, perhaps because it was such a profound realization. I wasn't wondering what is it like to be a girl, or that I wanted to be a girl. It was a powerful revelation that I was "one of these, and not one of those."
My age? Two. Yes, 2. I still recall sitting there on that floor and having that experience. I'm certain of the timeframe based upon the when/where. I also recall the same realization returning at 5,6,10, and so on.
Now I know some of you will say kids that young can't reason. Some will also say people can't remember so far back with such clarity. Well, to those folk I would say you may not be able to, but I can.
We know what we know.

[SilkenPrincess]

Some will also say people can't remember so far back with such clarity. Well, to those folk I would say you may not be able to, but I can.
We know what we know.


I remember being at a funeral when I was very young. The tombstones, the green tent, the flowers, and all the people standing out in the sun, listening to someone speaking. I kept wandering off and my father, who seemed like a virtual giant in my memory, had to pick me up to keep me under control. Years later, I questioned my mother to learn whose funeral it was. She doubted my recollections, but did finally admit that they had indeed taken me along with them to my grandfather's funeral. I was 11 months old.

My first memory of anything regarding gender was a trauma that I still feel, over 45 years later. I was 4, possibly 3. My mother used to play classical music for us to listen to when we were very young. I loved it then, and still do. I remember sitting on the floor, listening to "Nutcracker Suite" and looking at the album cover. There was a picture of the ballerina that performed the classic story. She was beautiful. I asked my mother about her and why she was dressed as she was. My mother explained how ballet is a form of dance that tells a story. I thought that to be a wonderful form of expression. I then told her that I wanted to be a ballerina when I grew up. I was horrified when she informed me that I couldn't. I was a boy! It had never entered my mind that I was anything BUT a girl, till that point. After over 45 years, I feel the same, even after working vigorously all these years to live as I was expected to. I look and live male, for the most part. But that isn't me. Inwardly, it's almost as if that little girl years ago, listening to the ballet, was frozen in time and stopped growing. I am that girl. I was just never allowed to grow up.

Steph

[MarieTS]

What an absolutely wonderful description of your femine recognition, Stephanie! It feels tremendous to learn how similiar an expereince so many of us share. Oh, and as to your statement about how the little girl was never allowed to grow up.... well, I think she did. She's a wonderful lady now, even if known only to herself. :hugs:

[GypsyKaren]

My very earliest childhood memory is of me playing with my best friend Sally. We were playing with her dolls, she had the coolest dollhouse, and she had pigtails tied with pink ribbon. I remember thinking that I was just like her, and how I wished I had pigtails too. I was 3 years old, I know that because we lived in California then. I didn't know what a boy or girl was, I just felt that I was the same as her.

Karen

[Sierra Evon]

As early as I can recall , I guess is about 7th grade very stong feeling of
transsexuality then , and wanting to be a girl and dress and go to school
as a girl , altho I continued to attend school as a boy the feeling were
always with me as they are today......great thread thankx.....Sierra

[michelle19845]

my earliest memory was when i was around 6 or 7 and my babysitter said that whoever was bad would get time out in the baby's room wearing the baby's clothes,which were girl's clothes.i even remember the baby's name ,maria may.i wanted to wear them ,but never got to cause i was scared of parents being mad at me for being bad ,so it never happened,but i would look out my window at the babysitter's home and wish i would get to wear the clothes without getting in trouble.
in 2nd grade ,i used to kiss a lot of boys and make cute funny remarks to them,first day in kindergarten i was teased for having a purple back pack.4th grade,i was teased for having a girl's lisa frank trapper keeper.3rd grade,i would pretend to be michelle and go to the line when girls lined up,a boy named danny was danielle and did same,i wonder if he is gay or ts?middle school years i tried to fit in i went to wear people who teased me i started to get in fights with and caused lots of trouble and got high ranking socially cause i was one of the "better fighters through the time,but i also tried to socialize with girls.
i then had to move and everything was lost and i was on the bottom and didn't care to start from scratch,i didn't get much for friends,hate the town i live in,stooped to dum levels to try and make friends and haven't had much luck other than a few girls somewhat.

[Lisa Maren]

A few months back I was reminiscing about my summer camp days and how they are still -- by far -- the happiest memories of my entire life. I remembered that I used to act girly while I was there, at least part of the time, or perhaps better put, whenever I wasn't with an exclusively male group. I always used to greet my female friends (and the good majority of my friends were female) with, "Give me a hug!" and I loved doing that. I admit it was partly because I am attracted to GGs, but there was also an emotional element to it that I loved.

The interesting thing is that nobody there, campers, counselors, not even my own brothers (who were also attending the camp) ever once said anything negative about that. I can't imagine it's just a big conicidence that the place and time where I could be as I wanted was also the place and time that was happiest for me.

Hugs,
Lisa

[JenniferMint]

I remembered that I used to act girly while I was there, at least part of the time, or perhaps better put, whenever I wasn't with an exclusively male group. I always used to greet my female friends (and the good majority of my friends were female) with, "Give me a hug!" and I loved doing that. I admit it was partly because I am attracted to GGs, but there was also an emotional element to it that I loved.

The interesting thing is that nobody there, campers, counselors, not even my own brothers (who were also attending the camp) ever once said anything negative about that.

When you have a man's body but behave like a lesbian, I wonder if sometimes people just assume you're a heterosexual male.

I hung out with the girls rather than the guys when I was young too, but everyone (including me) thought it was just because I liked girls or something.

[sheena]

I always thought I was a girl and would someday grow up to be a mommy until that day at the age of four. My Mom was in the bathroom doing her nails and I joined her holding my fingers out to be polished also, as I had many times before this was normal for me. But this day she said no, she couldn't do that anymore because I was a boy and I would soon be starting school. I was devastated and became depressed and stayed that way for the rest of my life. I didn't want to be a boy and what ever school was I hated it,I hated life.
I had a brief moment of hope one day when during breakfast we heard over the radio that there had been a successful sex change operation. I didn't know that was possible and knew right then and there I would some day, after I left home, do just that.

[Teresa Amina]

Thoughts clashed between the normal you can't think like that, and the what if I was her paradox

Ooooh! The story of my youth (and a big part of my adult life). What a torture it was sometimes, and I think even now it plagues me on occaision when, not being on guard, someone will have that quality and off I go into a fit of what I call Trans-Longing.

[Angela E.]

I remember my earliest childhood(pre-school).All my friends were girls(some things never change).and it never occured to me that I was anything BUT a girl.I was absolutely devastated when I realized that I was not going to grow up to be a woman:cry: Iwas a typical sissy,girly interests,hated sports wore dresses,etc.When I got a little older I went into the closet for survival purposes and tried to act like a "man",But I hated having to do it:sick:And always felt like a girl inside(never stopped crossdressing either).Well that`s enough of my life story for now,you`ll find we all have similar ones.They may vary in degree but not in kind.:hugs: -Angela:be: