Urg "young lady" & sme other thougts such as opposition, thoughtlessness & worrid mum

[pocoyo]

Hope it's ok to rant on here, you guys are the only people I can talk to who really understand and listen properly (and who's time isn't limited to 50 minutes).

I was upset at work today because I thought I was looking like a boy but at one stage when my work mates were joking around saying something crude or whatever, this customer says "be careful there's a young lady next to you" (meaning me!!!). UUURGH. I was so annoyed. (This has happened many times at work where I get called by a female pronoun and it really gets to me).
And someone else said "that girl" to their friend about me. Grrr. Possibly they have seen me in there before though with make up on, and just think I'm a girl. I felt like saying "I'm a boy!" and felt like If I wanted to be called young lady or a girl then I would have presented myself differently, with make up on and looking girly. I think some people don't know if I'm a boy or a girl sometimes when I'm at work looking boyish because they look at me a little strangely, my voice doesn't help. I try and speak a bit deeper but not so much that my work-mates would notice. I can sound like a boy though, but like a 14 yr old one hehe.

Earlier in the day I was hanging with my ex boyfriend (who is very sweet and understanding) but even though he says he accepts me as either male or female he keeps making comments about how I'm a woman and stuff and it really pisses me off a bit because he must know I don't like that from what I've told him! And even if I stayed being a girl, to be called a "woman" is horrible. Erk I'd stick with "girl". I just gave him a dead leg. That shut him up. Oh he was also for some reason joking about me not having a penis. I HATE THAT SO MUCH.. why do these men have to taunt me like that?? I feel like bellowing "IT'S ALL MADE OF THE SAME MATERIAL YOU KNOW.... IT'S HOMOLOGOUS.. AND ANYWAY, I COULD GET ONE IF I WANTED AAARGH". Also he knows I don't like having girl parts (only too well as I would never sleep with the poor thing when we were going out due to not liking my femaleness!) so why keep reminding me of my female body? I tried to explain to him that there is a difference between sex and gender & tell him AGAIN how people can be born into a female body but have a male brain and how some people are even gender-queer.
The opposition I get from my male friends on this is so bloody annoying. They all seem to go "but naaah... you're a girl.. you couldn't be a boy!" or "Really? But you're a lady!" or "I think you make a crap boy." (3 different responses I got from 3 different male friends). Another one at work today, I told him I was upset at being called a girl by that customer and he asked me what I wanted to be called and I said "He or Him" and he said "Wow you are messed up it IS lucky you're seeing a counsellor!" Or something similar. He did go on to call me dude later though :happy:
I haven't really mentioned my feelings to many females that I know as I just tend to hang out with guys. But one girl I told responded with "you look hot, will you be my boyfriend?" LOL Good response!

Someone did call me "mate" at work tonight though. So I liked that.
and the other day someone else on the street said "sorry mate" (he definitely thought I was a boy I could tell) as I tried to walk past his van which was in my way. And the other day I held a door open for an old lady and she said I was a gentleman awwwwww. I couldn't stop smiling for about 20 minutes after that. Oh! And I just remembered, in the park a couple of months ago these 2 young boys came over and one went "haha my friend thought you were a GIRL!" as if the thought were preposterous.. wooo! His friend said "derr she IS a girl!" I didn't respond just smiled. At least one of them thought I was a boy though! Perhaps the one who "knew" I was a girl has seen me in there before with make up on when my mum was visiting.

When I came home today I spoke to my mum on the phone and she doesn't have much time or energy or resources to talk about this at the moment so I have to squeeze it in where and when I can (I have been holding back for ages though). When I was talking to her about how I feel it just seemed like she thought I was getting carried away with the whole idea of being FTM & I told her that I have a fear that if I AM a boy and I don't transition soon (like over the next few years) then I will miss out on the chance of being a young man (I know that people in their 30s and 40s etc are still young men but I mean like a kid type young man). She said something about but what if I transitioned then realised I'd made a terrible terrible mistake.

(By the way, I do realise that I wouldn't be ready to transition at the moment but that confusion is why I'm keen to talk and talk about this and really can't wait to get a counsellor who has a good knowledge of gender issues & who can maybe at least give me a helping hand with my thoughts/feelings and maybe even help me start to transition, maybe.)

I also told her that some people feel so much better and more at ease with themselves and life in general after they transition. She said "yes but not everyone" and said that when she worked with M2Fs a lot of them regretted transitioning because they thought it would fix everything and make them feel much better but it didn't.

She has told me that she's worried to advise me on these issues because she reckons I become "fixated on ideas". But surely if I'm just a person that gets obsessed with ideas then I wouldn't have the clues through my life and certain thoughts and feelings that I have. But then she also said that she would be able to look into any medical dictionary and start thinking that she had all the symptoms.
I reminded her though that it's not like one day I read about FTMs then thought "oh well I think I would like to become one of those". In fact I've had these feelings and cross-dressed etc throughout my life and didn't even know there was anyone else like me, then I found some information and thought "wow.. that's like me!" It wasn't the other way round.

Well! Sorry for long ramble, think I'll wrap it up there lol.
I'd love some feedback if anyone made it to the end of the post!
Thanks in advance to any dudes or dudettes who may stop past ;)

[bi_weird]

Wow that's quite the rant. Must feel good to get that off your chest. Breathe, bud. Focus on the good things, and if all else fails just remember that some people are stupid. I'll be thinking happy thoughts for ya!

[Calliope]

Someone did call me "mate" at work tonight though. So I liked that.
and the other day someone else on the street said "sorry mate" (he definitely thought I was a boy I could tell) as I tried to walk past his van which was in my way. And the other day I held a door open for an old lady and she said I was a gentleman awwwwww. I couldn't stop smiling for about 20 minutes after that.

Yes, yes, yes, I know the feeling - from this side. 'After you, sweetheart' or 'Can I help you carry that box'? These little vignettes can really define a day's best moments.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Vent away. I'm sure it's frustrating. As far as you mum, just remember that (if she's a typical mum), you're still her "baby" even though you're an adult and she's probably trying to be helpful (making sure you don't get hurt), even if it doesn't feel like it.

BTW, I do agree with your mum on one point -- transitioning isn't a cure-all. From what I've seen, those folks who were screwed-up before transition have remained screwed-up after transition. (And yes, I've seen them get depressed when they figured out transitioning didn't get rid of their baggage.)

As far as your male friends, just remember they're young -- and if they're anything like I was at their age, they're actually probably fairly insecure about their own masculinity. So when something triggers anxieties they aren't fully conscious of, unfortunately they'll often belittle others (i.e. you) to make themselves feel better.

As far as your ex-BF, it sounds like he might still have the hots for you -- and despite what he says, he hasn't really accept it yet. So you might want to reconsider whether it's worth spending time with him.

BTW, there are ways to make your voice sound more masculine without going deeper. If you listen carefully you'll notice men typically speak differently than women (for example, men use volume for emphasis whereas women use changes in pitch). You might try looking at some of the voice info for MTFs and just do the opposite.

[Kate Simmons]

You are A-okay in my book, Hon. I love and appreciate you for who you are.:happy: Ericka

[pocoyo]

Hi, thanks for reading my long & boring rant!
Haha yes it does feel good to get it off my chest.

Thanks so much everyone for your advice, wisdom & kind words which I have taken on board :)

You're all great :thumbup:

[JulieCDorlando]

Hello,
I am sorry for the ignorance of some people. People will often open their mouths and insert their foot, when ever a situation where there is a level of uncomfort, or crisis, or even misunderstandings come around. As sad as this may sound, most guys are not very sensitive towards other human beings. Even more so to those much like yourself. If the conversation has nothing to do with sports, drinking, hunting, fishing, or women there is very little of an effort from guys to actually listen to you or anyone else. You can talk to your co workers, ex boy friend, friends ( both male and female), relatives, etc.,time and time again until you are about blue in the face about how you want to be refered to as you present yourself as a male, and your point still will not register to them. (The equivelant of you talking to a wall per se). Just continue to establish boundaries with them. Eventually they will come around to seeing your point of view. It will require a great deal of patience by you to over look snide remarks, inuendoes, and just plain ignorance. By presenting yourself in a positive outlook, you and others like you and I can educate the masses, with the hope of knowing one day they will not judge you in the way that they are judging you now by one step, one person, one attitude at a time. :2c:

[pocoyo]

Thanks Julie for your kind words and support :happy:
Yeah I guess some people just need a bit of educating (or ignoring & not worrying about lol!) You're so right.
Thank you for the great advice regarding patience, remaining positive etc. Have taken on board. Very cool, great advice. Check me out chillin', watch me chill, here I go. Deep breath and aaahhh that's better. :cool:


Thanks! pocoyo

[JulieCDorlando]

Hello again,
Just a quick reply to your last post. You guys will always have my support, and an ear to listen to your "rants" should you need it. All of us FTM, MTF and everyone in between are all in this transgender boat together so we all might as well begin rowing at the same time to get any where. Educating people is one thing, the daunting task is getting the ignorant ones to actually listen to the lesson without actually loosing your patience and remaining positive in the education process :Pullhair: .
Oh by the way dude, you look totally chilled :D Good for you. Want me to get you another :cp: just in case :lol: ?