In a strange funk

[melissacd]

Would be good if I could spell...I meant - Strange Funk

I am in a strange funk. My wife and I are not getting along so well. She tries to pretend all is well though the reality is that with her disregard for my CD side it creates a great deal of friction and with each passing day with her not even trying to meet me half way my love for her changes from love to who cares and slowly changes to an intense dislike.

I don't like the way that this is progressing however it seems that the further along the track that we get with all of this the more it seems like a cancerous growth, somthing very poisonous. It seems harder and harder to feel like I have any feelings for her anymore and that bothers me.

I understand that it was a difficult thing for her to deal with this side of me and yet it seems that she does not try at all. If she at least tried to understand then I would want to suffer her steps forward and back but her total disregard for this side of me really hurts. I want to make this work and yet I feel slighted by her rejection of such an important part of me that I really question how much she really cares about me and whether it is time to just call it a day.

:(

[Karren H]

Welcome to the club!!! One day everything is great and the next your a pervert that messed up her life!!! It's a yo-yo for sure...

Love Karren

[melissacd]

I think that for the most part she thinks that I am a pervert tha has messed up her life. The funny thing is that we were shopping at the mall today looking for Xmas gifts and all I could fantasize about was how wonderful it would be if I were at the mall with a spouse who was totally accepting of this side of me and we were shopping for femme things for each other together. What a wonderful Xmas that would be.

[Karren H]

Hehehe........Been sniffing the Christmas fairy dust again??? lol

Love Karren

[melissacd]

You betcha, is there any other kind of fairy dust???

[Helen in OK]

Melissa,

That is a fantasy most of us have. I am in the same boat as you. My wife doesn't understand why, but when I try to provide her infomation, she won't even look at it.

What I did, was I started to see a therapist, who agreed I should join a support group, which I did. Now I get some face to face contact with others like myself, and get some time to dress and go out.

I hope things work out for you

Helen in OK

[MJ]

well please don't give up. melissa you still have a chance has long as you are together there's always hope.. never give up trying. huggs Marissa

[melissacd]

It is an interesting thought. I had considered going to further counselling with my wife, but I think that what I should do is just go to counselling on my own. In large measure the problem is one that I need to resolve, as she does not feel that she has a problem at all.

[Sejd]

Did you try and write her the same letter you wrote to us at the forum?
Seems to me that you need to sit down and do a lot of mutual exchange of ideas here. You don't mention if you two have been to therapy. Has that happened? To just blame her on lack of understanding just seem too easy to me. Maybe there are other factors playing between you two which makes it hard to see each other. If I were in your place, I would stop whining and get into some good counselling with your wife as soon as possible. Then let us know how you hopefully both progress.
good luck
huggs
Sejd

[melissacd]

There has been much counselling, lots of conversation, 9 years of getting nowhere. After a while it gets tiring. At what point do you say, enough.

I wrote a letter 9 years ago which she cut to shreds, I have spoken those words I said in the letter, many times over the years, to no avail. Her lack of understanding is because she does not read the books I give her, watch the videos I give her, look at the binder of information that I put together for her, go to the websites I have suggested, talk to the SO's I have found for her to talk to, discuss the matter with me, go to see a therapist anymore - you cannot gain understanding if you do not take the effort to try and understand and she does not try at all.

Yes I am whining, on that point you are correct. I guess I am at a point where no amount of discussion seems to change anything and I have reached a point where I know what I have to do, it is just a matter of getting up the courage to do it.

I started this post after drinking a bottle of wine and I guess that that was probably a bad thing to do, however, it seems like I have been drinking many bottles of wine lately as an avoidance and pain reducing pattern.

I find that I cannot leave and I cannot stay. It is an odd place to be.

I am sorry, I will stop my whining.

[Glenda58]

. The funny thing is that we were shopping at the mall today looking for Xmas gifts and all I could fantasize about was how wonderful it would be if I were at the mall with a spouse who was totally accepting of this side of me and we were shopping for femme things for each other together. What a wonderful Xmas that would be.

Have you ever thought about her want she wants. Maybe she fantasizing about some body builder taking her away from this. I'm sorry you're have a ruff time with her not wanting a CD in her life but thats not what she married. I know I sound like I'm not on your side but I'm just looking at it from where she at. Both of my wifes didn't like me CDing also my XGF. I was so much into me and what I wanted I forgot about them and what they wanted. I think if I had met them half way I might still be with one of them.

[Joy Carter]

Tough row to hoe Melisa. Don't have any answers for you. I just wonder why wives feel so threatened by our Cding. It came down to my wife not wanting others to find out and her having to face them. Me I care less about what others think. Me I'm happy to just be myself. If people can't accept me then I don't need them.

[Kate Simmons]

The bottom line is that your wife married a man and that is what she expects. My wife told me this in no uncertain terms. She is probably wondering just where she fits in all of this. Not only is your femme self "competition" for your time and attention, she may well be worried about where it will all lead. She may also be concerned she is not "feminine" enough for you, otherwise, why would you do this? Many are worried that their husband may pursue transition if they like being a woman that much. If that would happen, she would be totally out of the picture and left out in the "cold". You need to let your wife know just how much she means to you as both a woman and a person and show her how much you care. It may sound harsh and demanding to put your femme self on the sidelines but I assume you love your wife. She needs to know what is more important to you, her or the "other woman". I learned the hard way, so I speak from experience.:happy: Ericka

[AnnaMaria]

Melissa,

I am afraid that I can not agree with the other girls on this one, though it breaks my heart to say so. It sounds to me as if your wife is doing her best to try to push you away and get you to leave her.

From what you have said you have done everything in your power to help her understand and try to work through the facts of who and what you are and she just simply doesn’t care about any of it, or about you for that matter. I would say that if you don’t have children that will be seriously effected by the split that you should consider the possibility that it is time for you to move on with life without her. You sound as if you are on the verge of that now and you are simply looking for validation from us to take the last step, and I do understand that.

By the time that I left my first wife I was at the same point myself. I finally decided that we would both be better off without the other in our lives and I left of my own accord. Of course by that time I didn’t have any bad feelings about loosing her because I had spent so much time trying to make it work that I was just glad it was all over.

But that said, just remember that women are very vindictive and if you have children with her, she may try to use the fact that you are tg against you when the divorce hearings come around. Especially if she feels like you are abandoning her.

I would say you should talk to her about the whole thing and let her know that while there are no hard feelings you feel that maybe it is time for the two of you to go your separate ways in life so that both of you can be happy, and see what she has to say about it. Because, lets face it there is no cure for who or what we are. The maker chooses to make us this way for a reason. What the reason is I don’t know and I am sure that the reason is different for each one of us, but the fact remains that if we had not been chosen to be tg by the maker then there would be some sort of cure for it.

I won’t say any more about that subject simply because I don’t want to lead your thread onto another subject so just remember that we are always here for you when you need us and we will always try to help in any way that we can. I know that sometimes all that is needed is someone to verbalize things to in order to make that final decision about things that are really big.

Huggs and prayers

Anna

[ubokvt]

Melisa:happy: Thank you for sharing so much. You say this has been an ongoing problem for a number of years. So this is not just a bandaid this will pass problem. You say you've been to therapy more than once, togather and on your own. So you have really tried with little success. I'm sorry:(
Basic therapy 101 "The only person you can change is your self and the only way you change someone elses behavior is by changing yours" So it all comes back to you. As Dr Phill says:tongueout you're the one here you're the one working you're the only one we can deal with. Focus on you, not her. I'd avise you to find some one, ie go back to therapy, not to discuss dressing, but to find some clarity and support for where you are at now, what your options really are, and develop a plan to find some peace in your life. You are right you already know what to do good luck!:2c:

[Brianna Lovely]

I understand that you've come to a crossroad in your life and you now must make a choice, which path to take.

For my own reasons, I have very little patience with the, "take baby steps", "give her time", "wait a few years", attitudes that seem to abound around here. I don't have 5, 10, 20, 30 years to waste, waiting for someone to make up their mind, whether they'll accept me for who / what, I am.

Life, love and time are too valuable to waste on someone who "hates" you.

So, you can keep drowning your sorrows with a bottle, while you wait for "The Miracle Of Understanding and Acceptance" or you can be honest with your SO and end this relationship, so that you both can try to find happiness.

[JenniferR771]

Melissa,
My wife is like yours. Will not look at books, online, or talk to other wives. Refuses to talk about CD in spite of my frequent pressures to do so. And she is afraid the friends and neighbors will find out--she would feel embarrassed. At times calls me "queer".
She did not sign up for this. You changed the rules in the middle of the game. Don't pretend you are surprised. Don't blame her. At least 60 percent of wives feel about the same. She married a man. This may be a result of latent homophobia she learned from an early age. She probably cannot help herself. Your relationship should be judged on the other aspects of your interactions. She is not perfect--neither are you.

[Sandra]

I understand that you've come to a crossroad in your life and you now must make a choice, which path to take.

For my own reasons, I have very little patience with the, "take baby steps", "give her time", "wait a few years", attitudes that seem to abound around here. I don't have 5, 10, 20, 30 years to waste, waiting for someone to make up their mind, whether they'll accept me for who / what, I am.

Life, love and time are too valuable to waste on someone who "hates" you.

So, you can keep drowning your sorrows with a bottle, while you wait for "The Miracle Of Understanding and Acceptance" or you can be honest with your SO and end this relationship, so that you both can try to find happiness.


It works for some but not others and if you really love someone then you will keep on trying.

But hey we're just supposed to roll over and just get on with it.

[MJ]

hi Melissa
you have some good advice here but please don't do anything rash at the moment . there must be another way Hun while you are both together there is always hope .. we will talk about it when we get together next Sunday i am not going to church so you can come over in the morning Early get ready go for breakfast and spend the whole day en-femme hit lime ridge mall and a few others look around all day if you like so don't wear heels you will be sorry :D . then get back here and get ready for the Xmas party.. girl when i am done with you .. you won't want to go out en-femme for months :love:
ps call me xx
love n hugs
Marissa

[Charity's GG]

Sorry about your dilemna...but it does take time. Ive known about Charity for 13 years and Im still not totally accepting. On my non supportive days she tries to understand.

Are there other issues in your relationship that are being convered up by the cding? Sometimes cding is used as an excuse to argue over issues that have never been resolved and have turned into resentment.

Yes, dressing y'all up can be alot of fun. But there are days, months, that we just need our man. We need to be the feminine ones and be appreciated for it. To not compete with the other persona would be fantastic sometimes.

Be there for your SO and vice versa. True love is priceless.

Have a wonderful day! Charity's GG:love:

[melissacd]

Wow,

It is amazing the responses you get to a whining session (after yo have been wining and let out a whole flood of feelings about a less than ideal situation). First of all I want to say that I woke up in horror this morning wondering, just what did I say? But after reviewing all of this I realize that I said what I felt, perhaps it does sound like whining and I suppose in large measure it is. The positive thing is that I got many feelings off my chest, said some things that in fact resonate with others (so I am not alone in all of this) and got some wonderful responses and support. For that I am always thankful.

I realize that in a short post others cannot understand the complexities of anyone else's situation so I can truly appreciate how difficult it is to respond. I must admit though that there are responses from some of you who hit the nail right on the head and it is because you have been through a similar situation.

Do understand that in actual fact I do not take this challenge in my life lightly, even though in some of my posts the anger that comes through may make it appear that way sometimes. I would not have stayed with my partner all of these years if I did not love her and understand my responsibilities to her and to my children. In as much as at moments like last night when the bottle has loosened my brain up a bit I feel like just walking away from all of this, when I regain my sobriety I realize that that is an irresponsible thing to do.

I also realize though that this log jamb in my life is creating a great deal of pain for her and for me. I do understand that she thought that she was getting a man and is struggling with the new woman in her life. I do appreciate that she feels a trust was broken when she found out about my secret 9 years ago. Through all of this I have been at moments very understanding and made great efforts to help her understand and at other moments I have gotten angry about her response and become very selfish and self serving and probably not very supportive of her and hurtful. Yes, Virginia, I am human.

I realize that CDing is not the only relationship challenge in my life, however, by far it is the one that over shadows all else and is the one that her and I need to get past if we are to make this work. I do realize that as she withdraws more and more from me over this that it makes me withdraw more and more from her. That certainly cannot help. I do realize that a part of why I stay and continue to try is because I do love her and she is a decent caring and loving human being in all other ways. She just cannot seem to get past this transgender thing. She is unwilling to try. That hurts me.

I know she is hurt, I do my best never to push this on her, however, I keep gently floating trial balloons to see if I can move this a small bit forward and she always pops those balloons.

Yes she married a man, a man with special qualities that attracted her to him, a man who was different from other men, perhaps more gentle, perhaps more caring, perhaps more respectful, perhaps more articulate, perhaps with a wider range of interests and knowledge than your average testosterone laden jock. There was an underlying reason for many of those qualities that also make me other ways that I am.

I always assumed that we loved each other warts and all, however, I see that that is not true. It would be easy to just pull the plug and find someone who does, but the grass is always greener on the other side. This is not a decision that one takes lightly and yet it is also a situation that can not endure forever, for as one pointed out, time is a limited resource.

I plan to go to further counselling, even if she does not want to go, because I have to continue to work through this. That may lead to a breakthrough or a breakup, but staying where I am at mentally is just self abuse.

Yes she married a man and yes I am a man to her most of the time. I am a man who does so many of the manly things she wants done, earn our lifestyle, do household chores, dress like a man (in fact I was a wrestler in the past and I took martial arts so I do very much have a manly build which makes it a challenge to look femme sometimes). I am a man, I will continue to be a man, I do not plan to change that, she has no worries there. I am not gay, I have always been faithful, I have always been hard working, I have been the best husband and father that I know how. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, I have many eccentricities. I do care for her and I want the best for her and I wish that she could see that.

Yes I have said all this to her and more. Perhaps that is why I am in the strange place, this strange funk.

Thank you all for your kind support.

Huggs
Melissa

[uknowhoo]

Hiya, sweetie.:hugs: I've been following this thread with interest, but not responded b/c I wasn't sure what else I might offer. I do now have a question... Does your wife undestand the point you've gotten to? Does she know that you are seriously contemplating leaving the marriage? I don't think ultimata are generally helpful in situations such as these, and I'm not suggesting such a thing. But it's not fair to either of you if she doesn't have an appreciation of just how far you've drifted emotionally. While emotionally difficult, facing this thing head on, with discussion about long term implications, might just be what it takes to break this logjam, one way or the other.

As I've told you before, I truly am sorry about this situation in which you find yourself. Best wishes for a mutually beneficial outcome. You both continue to be in our prayers.

xoxo

T