Maggie Kay
11-20-2006, 11:12 AM
This past weekend, I hit the wall ... again. I was headlong into a devastating purge. I hadn't purged in many years. It was precipitated by work stress and an increasing sense of TG being wrong. The trigger was simple, Saturday morning I couldn't get my earrings back in my ears. The piercings are relatively new, only 5 months since I got them done. I tried four times to get my posts in and eventually drew blood. That was it. I had enough of the whole TG thing. I left the earrings out and dressed in drab clothes. I simmered all day then Sunday morning, I had another talk with the wife. Once again, some of the hurts came out as we talked about how hard it is to accept TG in our lives.
During that conversation, it hit me like a truck. I was going to purge again. I would cut off my long hair, throw away my epilator and all my clothes. I didn't even have any male underwear so I had to go buy some. I went to the local Costco warehouse store and pushed my shopping cart over to the underwear isle. I saw a guy there who was looking at bras. He stopped and faced me and just looked at me. I didn't know him nor he me but there was a knowing look on his face. The guy turned and found a bra and put it in his cart and left. I was fumbling trying to select my male underwear and felt like I was doing some thing wrong. It was so foreign and I actually was embarrassed to be shopping there for male undies. Well, I picked up what I thought was my size having not bought them for many years and headed to check out. I got there and the guy was just getting his purchases rung up. He was at peace and smiling. No one snickered or smirked. All business and all pleasant.
I have never met or seen another TG person that I recognized. There must be hundreds or thousands based on the population where I live so this is a major event for me.
I went back home and changed into my new male undies which were way too big and suddenly I really looked OLD. I got back in the car and headed for the hair cutting shop. Instead of my stylist, I was going for a prison cut at a local chop shop... I was now in a rage. I admit that I was speeding along the interstate and driving in a rage. I then realized that I was on the brink of a major mental breakdown. In the past, when I purged, it took months before I recovered. I lost my ability to work and care for myself. I became withdrawn and sullen. This time after so many years it was going to be far worse. But I was determined to lose this TG thing, throw out my knitting, let my ear piercings heal over and force myself to be a 1950's style man.
I parked my car in the lot beside the hair salon and sat there. Then, I thought about that guy and the look he gave me. A look of "you know why I'm here" or " you are one too" . Sitting there, I knew that this was my last opportunity to stop. My last few minutes before I threw myself into chaos. I knew that I was going to ruin my families holiday season and possibly worse. Then that memory of that guy came back again. Slowly, I managed to calm down and thought, I can do this later and drove back home.
On the way, I felt as though there was a presence with me. It was as though someone was speaking saying that I didn't need to kill her, she was a nice person. The she was me. My purge was an attempt to kill the she in me. I didn't want to do that and I stopped my purge. When I got home, my family was happy that I had not gone through with it.
That guy was in Costco will never know what happened and just how much of an effect he/she had on my family's life. Thinking about my going out in public wearing my earrings and conservative femme clothes, now seems different. What if I help someone else to pull back from the brink someday. Maybe I already have and didn't know it.
I feel so grateful. Thank you, sister, whoever you are....
Kay
During that conversation, it hit me like a truck. I was going to purge again. I would cut off my long hair, throw away my epilator and all my clothes. I didn't even have any male underwear so I had to go buy some. I went to the local Costco warehouse store and pushed my shopping cart over to the underwear isle. I saw a guy there who was looking at bras. He stopped and faced me and just looked at me. I didn't know him nor he me but there was a knowing look on his face. The guy turned and found a bra and put it in his cart and left. I was fumbling trying to select my male underwear and felt like I was doing some thing wrong. It was so foreign and I actually was embarrassed to be shopping there for male undies. Well, I picked up what I thought was my size having not bought them for many years and headed to check out. I got there and the guy was just getting his purchases rung up. He was at peace and smiling. No one snickered or smirked. All business and all pleasant.
I have never met or seen another TG person that I recognized. There must be hundreds or thousands based on the population where I live so this is a major event for me.
I went back home and changed into my new male undies which were way too big and suddenly I really looked OLD. I got back in the car and headed for the hair cutting shop. Instead of my stylist, I was going for a prison cut at a local chop shop... I was now in a rage. I admit that I was speeding along the interstate and driving in a rage. I then realized that I was on the brink of a major mental breakdown. In the past, when I purged, it took months before I recovered. I lost my ability to work and care for myself. I became withdrawn and sullen. This time after so many years it was going to be far worse. But I was determined to lose this TG thing, throw out my knitting, let my ear piercings heal over and force myself to be a 1950's style man.
I parked my car in the lot beside the hair salon and sat there. Then, I thought about that guy and the look he gave me. A look of "you know why I'm here" or " you are one too" . Sitting there, I knew that this was my last opportunity to stop. My last few minutes before I threw myself into chaos. I knew that I was going to ruin my families holiday season and possibly worse. Then that memory of that guy came back again. Slowly, I managed to calm down and thought, I can do this later and drove back home.
On the way, I felt as though there was a presence with me. It was as though someone was speaking saying that I didn't need to kill her, she was a nice person. The she was me. My purge was an attempt to kill the she in me. I didn't want to do that and I stopped my purge. When I got home, my family was happy that I had not gone through with it.
That guy was in Costco will never know what happened and just how much of an effect he/she had on my family's life. Thinking about my going out in public wearing my earrings and conservative femme clothes, now seems different. What if I help someone else to pull back from the brink someday. Maybe I already have and didn't know it.
I feel so grateful. Thank you, sister, whoever you are....
Kay