It's a struggle [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

cath

11-20-2006, 07:33 PM

Scotty

11-20-2006, 07:46 PM

We tend to go overboard when we first admit it I suppose.
I disagree with posting pics that were taken together in intimacy though - I don't think that is very honorable, at least not without your permission..

You'll have to talk to him for sure, but if you admonish him or go against it the odds are it will continue to happen..

I wish you well!! Stay around :)

sara_also

11-20-2006, 07:48 PM

Hi Cath,
I believe you should sit him down and do more talking. Your SO seems to have taken your acceptance of his cd'ing as an acceptance of anything he might be interested in. You must make him understand that what he wants to do with his cd'ing is one thing, but that he cannot include your private lives without your consent. I am a cd myself, however I always consider what, if any, my actions would have on my wonderful wife. I do not believe being selfish is, or will ever be a a good trait in anybody. I do hope you will be able to make him understand the differences in your acceptance and your limits. Good luck and this is just my :2c:

Jenna1561

11-20-2006, 07:50 PM

Cath,

I'm sorry that he treated you so badly and breached your trust by posting those photos, spending so much time online instead of with you, and meeting with others without you. You seem to be a very understanding supportive wife; one who is doing her best to keep a relationship alive and strong.

Many CD/TG/TS would be happy to have a partner such as you. I think you are doing your best and he is treating you terribly. I hope the two of you can work together and work this out. It's my experience, that we, the male population of this world (at least most of us), usually take quite some time to actually grow up. To put others' needs before their own - to think "we" instead of "me". As the saying goes - Men Are Pigs! And I agree with that in general, particularly those of us under 30.

I hope things improve. Remember we are here for you, if you want to blow off steam or need a shoulder to cry on.

Love,

Jenna

kittypw GG

11-20-2006, 07:59 PM

CharleneCD

11-20-2006, 08:16 PM

Cath it sounds like its time to set some boundries. Just because you are accepting doesn't mean he has license to go hog wild and do whatever. As was said before many Cd's tend to go overboard when first accepted. I myself must plead guilty to that charge. It took many straitforeward and serious conversations between me and my wife to come to an understanding. Basicly for her she needed to realize that I was not intending to hurt or upset her and she shouldnt take it so personaly, and I needed to realize there were things that I shouldn't do because it hurt or upset her.

Eileen

11-20-2006, 08:22 PM

Cath your hubby needs a good talking to. He obivously wants you to be a partner in his dressing and that is great. As a partner, he needs to remember you should be consulted and have a voice in what is acceptable and what is not! There is no excuse to justify showing the pictures.

Eileen

11-20-2006, 08:34 PM

cath
i am sorry to hear that. you need to sit him down and talk to him.. and make it known you are not happy about this part of him at all and set ground rules.. and be ferm about it .. i for one would not put up with that.. either play by my rules or get out of the game !! make him go and remove all pictures he has posted were possible.. and he has to start to rebuild the trust you gave him .... hugs Marissa

Kate Simmons

11-20-2006, 08:45 PM

You've been too nice about it Cath. Time to bring the cows home, partner.:happy: Ericka

kerrianna

11-20-2006, 08:53 PM

YIKES!!!
Your hubby is lucky you're still around.
When I started 'moving out' a bit with my CDing (it had long been just confined to bedroom play with my wife) I did it on the internet. I told my wife about what I was doing (well, most of it) and we had some LONG talks about it. She let me know exactly what her fears were (as best she could define them being confused and wanting to be fair and supportive), and I understood them. One of the fears was spending too much time on the internet (7 hrs is way too much time for most people if you ask me).
Another was where would it end up? Would I want to meet other people? Then what? Would I cheat? How could I guarantee what I would or wouldn't do? (I should add this stuff was all out of character for me) These were all valid fears I realized and I assured her I would limit this, not do that.

Well, I ended up saying one thing and doing another because I thought I could control it. I still have trouble keeping things on an even keel - a lot of this is exciting and adventurous for me and after 22 yrs of marriage and in mid-life crisis mode, it's easy to get carried away. My wife called me up on the fact I was saying one thing - doing another. And I too made an online intimate friend that I shared my wife's info and pictures (not intimate at least) with, without her ok. My wife was NOT OK with that :spank: and made sure I knew exactly what I could say and not say to my friend (who she let me stay in contact with)

She told me she couldn't trust me anymore (and THAT has never been an issue). She told me she was trying to figure out how she was going to live on her own, who would get the dog, the cat. THIS HIT HOME. It made me realize how serious this was and forced me to make a decision.

We had a very difficult discussion where she was finally able to spell out clearly what was ok and what was not. And whether or not I agreed with any of it the only way to save our relationship and continue with me exploring who I am was to agree to her BOUNDARIES. Your husband needs to hear them clearly from you and he needs to RESPECT them. If he can't you will have to examine your options. He needs to know that. I know it's difficult to set boundaries when you are confused and trying to be supportive, but there are obviously some things you know clearly, so start there.

He sounds like he's addicted to the Internet. There is probably support for that - I haven't looked into yet, although if I keep posting so much here I might have too :heehee: I know there's also Internet infidelity info on the web too. (my wife is a good web researcher :shifty:)

He DEFINITELY should NOT be saying or posting ANYTHING about you without your permission.

As for meeting other people, well, that is an issue of trust I guess. Only you can say how you feel about that.

It would be nice to think your hubby's obsession will lessen with time, but it might go the other way. The only thing you can do is figure out what's right for you, what works for you, and let him know as clearly as you can. If he has a problem with that then you both have a problem.

I wish you the best of luck. Tell him to PM me and I'll give him a :slap: upside the head. He's got a SO buying him clothes and he's ruining it by going online too much and acting inappropriately. But I know how strong the draw is, so I can relate to what he's doing - just not agree he should be doing it.

Hope this helps. And yes, it has been vetted by my SO. :thumbup:

Nike

11-20-2006, 08:56 PM

Cath,

Most CD'ers, like people in general, are good. Sometimes the alternate reality we create as a result of our duality overpowers good sense. A partner has every right of Consent. Your CD hubby should automatically afford you that opportunity, whether it be in activities related to crossdressing, or the sharing of private and intimate photos. (which may or may not be sexual in nature)

Arranging meetings with other CD'ers may be a strict taboo in some relationships. As your husband, he has a responsibility to you and the marriage to honor your feelings on this matter.

Finally, you have a right to establish boundaries as others have suggested. As a supportive wife of a CD, you are a gem among women and deserve to be treated as such.

Hopefully, this is just a hurdle you two can overcome together and which will be a tool for a more intimate and dynamic future together.

Michelia

11-20-2006, 08:58 PM

Cath:

I went totally nuts at first and I know I am still in overkill mode as I am new to this. I hope to get it all more under control in time. I have spent way too much time in my CD activities (shopping and reading and trying to understand - not on the internet sharing pictures!) at the expense of my SO and other responsibilities. At first I was not letting my SO in maybe because I feared her rejection. Once I let her into the fold and she decided to participate instead of rejecting me, I realized how incredibly lucky I am. Now I try to give her as much time as possible and I make sure she knows there can be no competition - she will always win. But her participation means I have relinquished a lot of control. She fully engaged in all our decisions. I must stay vigilant at all times to not let my CDing be more important than her. I have also asked for her complete input if there is something wrong. And then I listen when she has a concern.

If I did not have her on board, I could never be like so many on this site that I so deeply admire. So dedicated in spite of there SOs not sharing. I would probably have gone down the deep end. My SO's understanding has literally saved me. I owe her my well being. There is nothing, but nothing, no shrink, CD friends or internet contact, or self-knowledge, or wealth, that could do the same for me as my SO's noble and courageous love.

It seems to me your CD partner is taking you for granted, when in reality you probably are what he needs most. Try to find a way for him to realize this. The sharing of your pictures is a breach of trust not to be taken lightly. What could be next? STAY ON YOUR TOES! I do not like this private contact with all these other people in conjunction with the sharing of these pictures. Stand up for yourself and your needs in this relationship. Remember: you are one in a million and deserve to be appreciated and respected, CDing or not.

I do not post too often and when I do I tend to run long. Sorry.

Good luck, Cath.

Michelia

cath

11-20-2006, 09:07 PM

Thank you all.
The problem is he doesnt see that there is a problem.
We had boundries these were broken when I mention this all I get is I didnt think it would be an issue.

Holly

11-20-2006, 09:21 PM

Cath, first of all you're a gem :hugs:. I can only emphasize what has already been said. You MUST set boundaries and you must do it NOW. At the very least, your hubby is guilty of over exuberance and gross lack of judgment. I understand the excitement of beginning a new journey. But that is absolutely no excuse to ignore you, you feelings, your opinion, and your guidance. A marriage is built as a partnership, with both husband and wife having needs and meeting needs. You've more than lived up to your part of thr bargain. Time for him to live up to his obligations as well.

**Edit** If your husband didn't think it would be an issue, then he needs a serious wake-up call. He's not treating as a partner in your relationship.

Jenna1561

11-20-2006, 09:21 PM

Roberta Lynn

11-20-2006, 09:22 PM

Thank you all.
The problem is he doesnt see that there is a problem.
We had boundries these were broken when I mention this all I get is I didnt think it would be an issue.

That is a problem.
If he thinks he is in the right, have him post his position here.
My guess it might take him 7 hours to read the replies and he won't like what he reads.

:hugs:

Sweet Jane

11-20-2006, 09:22 PM

Hi Cath

I'm sorry that your husband has acted so selfishly and thoughtlessly. I feel that you have more than met him half way with his desire to dress and now he seems to be taking advantage of your kind heartedness. It is totally irresponsible to post photos, intimate or not, without the express permission of the subject, and you have a right to be angry...I'd be furious.

A common theme seems to be a crossdresser running wild, once he has "come out" to his wife...I don't know if the F2M are the same, but some M2F just go crazy. I don't know what I'd do, because my wife does not know the full extent of my CDing. (I did tell her about wearing underwear years ago, and she sort of ignored it and has never mentioned it again)

I suppose you should show him the thoughts of everyone here, and maybe his behaviour will become a little less focussed on "him" and more focussed on "his marriage". Surely this is more important to him than cyber friends and frilly knickers....good luck...

Missy Anne

11-20-2006, 09:26 PM

Hi Cath,

My question would be - Is he this inconsiderate of your feelings in other ways too?

Missy Anne

Jenny Beth

11-20-2006, 09:40 PM

That is a problem.
If he thinks he is in the right, have him post his position here.
My guess it might take him 7 hours to read the replies and he won't like what he reads.

:hugs:

Couldn't have said it better.....:thumbsup:

Send him here...we'll set his wagon straight!

GG Vanya

11-20-2006, 09:43 PM

Cath,

Sounds like he needs to be reminded that they are boundaries, not guidelines and yes it is an issue, not of CDing but of trust violations.

Does he visit the forums here? If he does, have him read this post - he'll see most of think he is definitely in the wrong. If he doesn't visit here, perhaps you should consider showing him this site and your thread and our responses.

He needs a reality check.

Jenna

Sounds to me like he needs to be reminded of his wedding vows, you know...where it says:

Love *honor* and cherish??

Posting intimate pictures of one's wife without her consent for the whole world to see is a huge dishonor, in my opinion.

What was he thinking?????

ubokvt

11-20-2006, 09:56 PM

Sit him down at the computer and make him read these posts then tell him to get a clue. It that doesn't help maybe some of those here with out supportive SOs can can explain the facts of life without support.

kittypw GG

11-20-2006, 10:02 PM

shavedm64

11-20-2006, 11:40 PM

Looks like most of us are telling you the same thing. Must be something right there. Set him down, set the boundaries... let him know how you feel about it, especially about him posting pictures of you without your permission. You have accepted him and good for you..... he should have the common courtesy to do the same for you. Respect and trust.. it's a two way street.

Stacy GG

11-21-2006, 12:56 AM

Cami_wi

11-21-2006, 01:09 AM

Hi Cath,

Any way you look at what He did, posting pictures of YOU and intimate ones at that is WRONG! I am a Transsexual Female and out of all the Online friends I have, I won't even post their Rated "G" pictures even to another friend without ASKing thier Permission First and Always. The Trust is Broken now, will take ALLOT to earn it back. Posting to meet with Other CD's on line is WRONG also, seeing he is in a commited realationship with You. Allot of CD's do get feeling, urges or curious what it would be like to be with someone else while dressed. These things should ALWAYS be kept as a Fantacy and Never Tested while Married or in a LTR. As many have said He BEST take a long hard look at Having you and you being accepting and trying to understand all this. Heck most of Us and the Medical Profession do not Understand WHY we do this, for ME I was Born with Gender Dysphoria.

good luck ((( Hugzzzz )))

Calliope

11-21-2006, 02:49 AM

He sounds like he's addicted to the Internet.

I'll second that. This really sounds like an internet problem more than a CD problem. The vast - often sleazy - online universe can really break down inhibitions and regress behavior, sounds like your guy is in deep.

Joy Carter

11-21-2006, 04:01 AM

:shocked: :brokenheart: :confused2: :Pullhair: :angry: :spank: :spank:

A good slap in the face wouldn't hurt ether. :hmph:

Lisa Golightly

11-21-2006, 04:11 AM

I'd head for the door, but I'm well known for being like that... I really have issues with people that show me no respect. Time for the riot act to be read and full loss of privileges. Formatting his computer is a good place to start ;)

Tamara Croft

11-21-2006, 04:19 AM

One thing comes to mind...... foot - door.... sorry, but I'm just floored at what he's done with your pictures. I mean, who does he think he is?? If my Tam ever did that to me, he'd be out the door with my foot firmly up his ass!!!!

Such neglect, makes me so damn mad :Angry3: I mean, does he even have a clue what he's doing to you? or is he one of those that will say 'oh I didn't realise, I'm so sorry'..... grrrrr.......

He needs a serious wakeup call and you need to give him a short sharp kick up the backside, because like they say 'I didn't know what I had until I lost it'....

Penny Lane

11-21-2006, 04:42 AM

Hello Cath

Sorry you are having all this hassle, after more than meeting your SO half way.

Speaking as someone who is wroking on rebuilding trust with an non-sympathetic SO, he needs to stop, look and listen.

It doesn't take very long to destroy what is good and an awful long time to get back to some sort of "normality". Most of us would give our right arm to have a partner such as yourself, you are not the one out of order, posting intimate photo's without your knowledge is indefensible.

As we say, he needs a good smack in the "heid".

Hope you can regain what you had and shared.

:love: Penny x

JulieCDorlando

11-21-2006, 08:32 AM

Good morning,
I can not help but be dismayed at what your husband is doing. His actions are irresponsible, selfish, and demeaning to you. I am sorry that he has taken his new perceived freedom to that extent. A relationship is a two way street. Boundaries by both husband and wife are set to ensure integrity of a marriage. He should know and understand this. By him sending/posting photos of a personal nature and then by just dismissing your protest to such behavior as "not thinking it was an issue" is an easy way out for him and for his inexcusable behavior.
Cath, I do hope that you have talked this over with him by now. Do set boundaries that YOU feel comfortable with and that he will adhered to, and do it NOW. Remind him of where he was prior to him confessing his CDing to you, then have him take a good long look at where he is at right now. Your husband should by then realize how very fortunate he is to have you in his life. Trust is very much a foundation in a marriage. Unfortunately he has broken your trust. Only you know how, when, and where that trust will be restored in time. I do hope he will work diligently at restoring your faith and trust in him.
A CD's life can be a lonely exsistance with out the love and acceptance of a wife or SO and to some degree it can be daunting without a wives or SO encouragement. I am a CD without a significant other, so I can clearly see the path of destruction that he is doing to your marriage. If he doesn't stop his inapropriate actions and start to pay more attention to you and fullfilling your needs, he is doomed as a husband and as a CD that has gained acceptence from a loving caring, understanding wife. If your husband ignores your boundaries, then more than likely he is selfish, and insecure and cares very little about you, in return for the gift of what you gave him unconditionally. Hopefully he will see the error of his ways, and will revert back to placing priorities in his life in the proper perspective. I do wish you both all the best in life.

Robin Leigh

11-21-2006, 09:12 AM

"Looks like a severe case of Pink Fog overdose, Doc"
"Quick 1000mg of Reality, STAT!"

Your husband's behaviour is inexcusable. You are a goddess for tolerating him, Cath. I wouldn't blame you in the slightest for kicking him out, either temporarily, or permanently.

One possible explanation for his bad behaviour is that for many CDs part of the fun is breaking the rules. While we are still at home, there is a buzz (albeit guilty) in dressing up without our family knowing. When we grow up this can transform into getting a thrill in dressing up without our SO knowing. When we come out to our SO this aspect is lost & some of us find ourselves engaging in clandestine CD acts to restore this thrill.

There are ways to address this issue that don't result in making your wife feel lower than a doormat! :Angry3:

I once had an intelligent, vivacious, accepting SO that I took for granted. But I'm single now... and I didn't even pull stunts like your guy has done. Tell him to watch his step, there are plenty of well-behaved CDs that would gladly take his place. :devil:

:hugs:

Robin

cathie

11-21-2006, 09:29 AM

Cath -

He might not like or understand but he needs to respect your wishes. We may not always agree with other people but we need to learn to respect people for who they are in life. The message is very clear in all the postings that we disagree with his actions but we also all agree that there should be respect to your request. A marriage is compromise. He needs to understand that the compromise has been broken.

Sheila

11-21-2006, 09:46 AM

Cath,
my heart goes out to you --- he really needs a good hard kick girl

:hugs: :hugs: for you and more :hugs:

Stay strong, we are here when you need us and I just hope you get him to read all these posts, that he then does and takes it ALL in.

Jess

vermontlady

11-21-2006, 10:51 AM

I can, understand why you, are hurt. Because you made changes in your life to accomadate him, and now,he is not doing the same for you.
Keep coming back, though, hun, it definately looks as if you have people here that understand how u feel, and are willing to give advice.

Vermontlady

Ariel_TV

11-21-2006, 02:13 PM

Take humiliating pictures of him and post them on the web. And we ask why tell him you never thought it would be a issue :P

princessmichelle

11-21-2006, 06:40 PM

Cath:

I can only add one thing: his behavior is probably not working for him, either.

Please understand that I agree with what has already been said: your guy is very lucky that you haven't already walked out. Mistakes might be healed, but breaking your trust is inexcusable.

But if you want a sales pitch when you approach him, or just want hope that the relationship might be saved, the fact that his behavior hurts both of you might be a useful tool. (That and the fact that even the crossdressers all support you rather than him!).

"Princess" Michelle

EricaCD

11-21-2006, 10:19 PM

Yep. Gotta agree with the general consensus here. Even removing the whole crossdressing dimension, what your husband did was utterly inexcusable. The fact that he has acted this way at a time when you were attempting to adjust your life to account for his crossdressing is simply hideous.

Next time you need to apply boundaries, I'd suggest writing them on the end of a 2x4 and aiming for his forehead. Remember that you really need to follow through to make the impact felt...

Damned shameful if you ask me. Bless you for trying, though....

Erica

lela

11-24-2006, 10:51 AM

First and foremost he must not overstep his boundary. He should feel grateful that you are an understanding and accepting wife. I do not agree with his tactics, or really understand why he would want to do those things without first talking it over with you. You are an important part of his life, you've shown your love by giving him support. I think he should see the loving wife that he has on his side, and respect your wishes. So many Cd'ers have wives that want nothing to do with their Cd'ing. Cross dressing is a part of who we are, and to have a wife who is open and who tries to understand it is truly a gift from the heavens. If he loves you, he should take your feelings into consideration above anything else. If not he'll lose you in the end.

Sheila

11-24-2006, 10:59 AM

My SO's understanding has literally saved me. I owe her my well being. There is nothing, but nothing, no shrink, CD friends or internet contact, or self-knowledge, or wealth, that could do the same for me as my SO's noble and courageous love.

What a beautiful sentiment, I would ask you will print that out and give it to her to keep for ever

Jess

Amy Hepker

11-24-2006, 11:17 AM

Cath,
I am upfront and open with my GLady about my dressing. I even asked her if I could get on this site. I do not what to lose the LOVING relationship and trust that we have for each. I have had peoblems in other relationships because I went overboard. I am sorry your hubby is doing this to you and you do need to confront him about this. We as Crossdressers do have the problem that once we feel that it maybe OK, we jump in head over heels to do anything and everything we can. It's not that we don't care, it's that we think it's OK. Please don't jump him about it, rather just talk about it openly and let him know that there are things that cannot happen without talking to you first. Let him know what he can do and what he can't do. It's the only way a relationship can last is to meet on even grounds and know the rules. I am ever so happy for him that you even decided to come to this forum your self and find out what to do, rather than just ending your relationship with him. It took a lot of courage in the first place to come here and I am, and many others here are proud of you for doing so. There are a lot of ladies out there in this world in the same boat you are that just through in the towl and leave or would look for a divorse. I myself THANK YOU!

MsJanessa

11-24-2006, 11:22 AM

I couldn't tell from your post whether the intimate photos where of him, you or both of you----posting intimate photos of anybody else without their permission is horrible and not to be tolerated---posting intimate photos of just himself isn't quite so bad, depending on the circumstances----it sounds to me like you have a good reason to suspect him of infidelity, or at least fantasizing about it, with another T-girl or guy(very rarely happens with a GG but I suppose still could be possible) I'm assuming that you have a traditional type marraige, as opposed to an "open" one and do not want hubby fooling around. It could be that he is like a lot of people these days and has a rich fantasy life on the internet and has no intention of ever crossing the line and actually meeting somebody---a lot of those types have contacted me--want to IM, talk on phone etc---(sorry girls don't bother contacting me for that type of thing----I'm not interested) but never go beyond that--if he is online 7 hours a day then what does he do for work etc---he obviously needs help-and one couldn't blame you for laying down the law---If you do so, however be ready to actually enforce the law----because chances are he is not going to stop the IMing, forum cruising etc just because you want him to--he will just become more secretive about it---I guess if you can't tolerate this kind of behavior---your spouse's actions strike me as being obessive/compulsive---then you can talk to him to establish acceptable limits for both of you and if that doesn't work then you have to make a choice about staying with him.

Josie06

11-24-2006, 12:44 PM

Hi Cath,

I think your SO is extremely lucky and blessed to have you in his life. :2c:

Mine would never be even a small portion as understanding and supportive as you are.

Bless you.

LindaMarie

11-24-2006, 01:08 PM

Cath,

I am so sorry to hear about the way your husband has behaved.

I've sometimes crossed boundaries that my wife and I have set. I'm terribly sorry that I have and am trying to be better.

I think it must be so difficult for the amazing women who love us and try to understand this unusual part of us. Then we often thank them by pushing and breaking boundaries and betraying the trust that's so critical to a relationship.

I hope your SO has read these posts, understands the pain he's caused, begs for your forgiveness and goes over and above demonstrating that he's worthy of that forgiveness.

As others have mentioned, he sounds like he may also have an Internet addiction. Chatting with other people who share our interest can be terribly attractive but it should never be a substitute for our relationships with our loved ones.

I wish you both all the best.

Linda

Nigella

11-24-2006, 05:21 PM

I have been more than supportive to my hubby. In the begining we talked alot I started buying him clothes as he found buying underwear awkward.I joined this site to get information and advice(which I will always be greatful to you all for) but even as I was working on this understanding he was spending up to 7 hours a day on various forums, exchanging photos , arranging meetings with other CD'ers then he put intimate photo's that we had taken many years before on a site without my consent.
He can not understand why I am so hurt. I would be interested in other CD's opinions!

Cath, I have noticed a few reasons in your opening post on why you could be hurt, but I suspect that this is just the tip of the iceberg as it were.

I will not try to justify any of the actions your SO has taken, that is not for anyone on this forum to do, only your SO can do that (not that I am saying they are justified). Based on the information you have supplied here, anyone who has had similar circumstances to you will be hurt, confused and angry.

Sit down for a few minutes, relax, count as high as you want, and then when you feel ready, take the issue up with him!!

Advice on this forum is free, and its up to you to choose which you are likely to listen to, but the only piece of advice I will give is this...

... Only you two can sort out this problem. Sorry but that is the way it is!!

:hugs: