Why isn't it enough?

[Jenn2716]

Sorry for the rant here, but I just need to type this stuff out somewhere to lift the load off of my brain.

After months of putting it off, I finally had to sit down with my wife and talk to her about some stuff that has been on my mind. You see, I have a very supportive SO. She accepts that I am a crossdresser and could care less how much I dress at home. She goes shopping for me and with me. She tells me how good I look as a girl and seems to enjoy incorporating cding into our intimate times. She joined this site for awhile and recently we went to our first TG support meeting together. With all this great stuff going for me, I have been fighting these feelings to be "Jenni" more often and more public. I've tried adding some femme items to my drab clothes to see if that would help, but it seemed to just be a tease. There is a part of me that is growing more depressed as a guy and wants to start developing my femme image to present to the world.

Part of me thinks I really would be happier if I just bit the bullet and started working towards becoming a woman - therapist, electolysis, hormones, FFS, 24/7. no srs. I realize that this is not an easy path and that there is no guarantee of happiness at the end. I'd be risking my marriage, my family and possibly my work. But I can't seem to make myself stop thinking about and longing for a femme life. I know I wouldn't pass very well, but I don't think I'd care. I'd rather be a manly woman than a man at all.

In any case, I was totally struggling with all these issues and it was starting to affect my moods, my focus at work and at home. I felt that I had to talk to my wife about it or I'd go insane.

Naturally, she was upset. At first she felt bad for me for having to deal with all of this. (Is she great or what?) But then she started feeling upset at what this would do to our marriage. While she is bi, she does not want to be married to a woman. Thus, any steps I take to start exploring that option will eventually end our relationship. I know I should be happy with the level of cding that I've achieved at this point. I really don't know why I can't just accept that I'm a guy who dresses like a girl occasionally, with the full support of my wife.

I feel like I'm going insane. I have such a good marriage, but I just feel like I'm holding back from what I really want to do, what I feel I should do. I would say that this is just a phase, but I've been dwelling on this for 6 months or longer. I even brought up the topic of hormones to her last January (didn't go well).

Anyways, I'm not looking for advice. I'm the only one who can truly know my situation. And I'm going to go see a psychologist to try and figure things out. I just wanted to vent a little and see if anyone can relate. :(

[Sweet Jane]

Hi

I can't really help you, but good luck on whatever you decide. Why I felt the need to reply, is that I feel the same "insanity" but only at the crossdressing stage. I feel that I think I know what a turmoil your brain is in, and I don't know if there is a "correct" answer. Somedays, I feel that the answer just gets further away.

Anyway, your proposed undertaking is a serious issue, but I suppose you sort of know how you feel....and I'm not sure if I should say this, but you must weigh up your present life, with the true (not rose tinted) life of what you are seeking will give you....a gender change is BIG...

Anyway. good luck and choose wisely...love and big hugs

janexxx

[Jenn2716]

Thanks Jane,
I appreciate your comments. You are so right about how I have to weigh my options. Though I don't imagine a femme life would be very rosey - the mocking, the isolation, the rejection - I have to consider if my own self acceptance would be worth it? Who knows?

My decision is so double edged. I would feel more capable of attempting some sort of transition if my wife somehow supported that option. Unfortunately, any steps at transition would drive her away. It's so confusing. I want to make eveyone happy. However, I haven't been happy inside with the way things are going and I fear any changes I try to explore will result in my wife's unhappiness. I know I have some deep soul searching to do.

Thanks again for putting up with my personal crisis. Blurting it all out is actually helping a little bit. At least stress wise.

[Kate Simmons]

Wow, Jenni, that's a heavy burden you are carrying. Maybe the best thing to do would be sit down and generate a list. Pros on one side and cons on the other in regard to transitioning. I did this years ago and the cons won out. My family was more important to me at that time. As it is right now, I've basically "lost" my family at this point due to being Ericka. You might think that would open the "door" for possible transitioning for me now but not really. Poop "happens" as they say and I've come to realize I'm exactly who I should be and that is part of my purpose in life. If I decided to alter my body to be exclusively female, my spiritual abilities would no longer function as my duality is the key to make them work. Besides all of that, you have to realize there is no sex change "kit' involved and if you go through with it, you can't go back. You can't "unzip" it and zip it back on if things don't work out. I wish you well with whatever you decide to do, but think it through, okay? Many of us feel we are not the right person but in all truth, the person inside is the one who counts regardless of what we look like outside. I accept everyone for their inner spirit whether it's male, female or a combination.:happy: Ericka/Rich

[Penny Lane]

Hi Jenni

What a tough time you're having, I can emphasise with what you are going through as I'm sure will a lot of the other girls here.

As you say in your post, even if you were to get 100's of responses, only you and you alone can decide what to do. All I will say is be very, very careful. What ever course of action you take doesn't only involve yourself, but has a massive impact on what sounds like a truly special woman as well as your wider family and career.

I think it is in our nature to want more and more, it's what drives our species on and on, making inventions, going on exploring adventures, wanting a better job or promotion at work, it's hard wired into us.

But as Sweet Jane said, you really need to take off any rose tinted spectacles you are wearing and really and truly see what you are going to gain by matching your exterior image with your interior persona. You will inevitably destroy a lot of what is good in your life for what may be an illusion of future peace and happiness. I've read somewhere that the suicide rate among post-op TS is significantly higher than the general population, so there seems to be an element of regret among some of our sisters. Be very, very careful.

Knowing that your current existence is what the vast majority of CD'ers would give their right arm for, myself included, is no comfort to you at the moment, but it is something to hold on to. The six months you've been agonising over this must seem like a lifetime to you, but it's not that long really. I suppose all I'm trying to say is be very, very careful. In Britain we have a saying "Make sure you don't chuck the baby out with the bath water". I think that says it all.

What ever you decide, I hope you will be happier than you feel right now. Sorry for rambling on.

Take care

Penny :hugs:

PS Sorry for the three "ver, very careful"s but I think it is so important to be very very careful (Damn, that makes four, must get a thesaurus!)

[thea]

There's a book about to come out that might add to your insight. She's Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband, by Helen Boyd (author of My Husband Betty) will be published mid-December. I've read advance publicity saying that this deals with her crossdressing husband wanting to go full-time female. That book might let you better see your spouse's concerns.

[Kimberly]

See if this is just a phase... I seem to go through a cycle: dressing lots, dressing lots which turns into a feeling of wanting to transition, dressing en drab lots, beginning to dress again in small bursts... (back to top...) Which all takes place within a couple of months.

This may just be something which you long for, but fleetingly. I know I do - so am in two minds about going full time... though I would like to spend some time living as a woman as well as I can for a month or so, just to see what it's like.

[Joy Carter]

Jenni I share your desires but in the real world I just can't be selfish and succumb to them. I have to many attachments and people who depend on me right now. Maybe latter I might think differently but for now I gotta be there for them as they see me. :o Hope this helps you in your decision.

:hugs: Joy

[Brianna Lovely]

Last year at this time, a dear couple that I adore, made some major changes in their lifes. Mary and Bob had been married for five years, they're both in their early forties.
Just before Thanksgiving, last year, Mary sent a letter to all their friends and relatives, stating that as of January first, Bob would be known as Barbera.

I talked to my friend Mary, just after this notice went out, and she inforemed me that "Barbera" was in Calif. getting the surgery as we spoke. Her major concern was "Are we still married?".

I know that they talked about this for some time, before the decission was made. But, being 1200 miles away, I have not had a chance to talk to them, to see how things are going, today.

Jenni, no matter what anyone says, you know that the final decission is your's and your's alone.

Warm Hugs,
Brianna

[MsJanessa]

Its an awfully big step hon---I know three Transexuals who transitioned in their late 40s----one had his wife leave her immeadiatly, the second had a wife who was ok with it and they are still married(although I'm sure there was a big adjustment) 4 years after the SRS and the third just has her SRS last June---Her wife is still with her but is starting to have real serious issues(no suprise there) You should remember that your wife married a guy probably because that's what turns her on----Going through the whole transition doesn't leave any room for compromise, either she will accept it or not---either way you have My support--good luckxoxox

[MJ]

Its an awfully big step hon---
I know three Transexuals who transitioned in their late 40s----one had his wife leave her immeadiatly, the second had a wife who was ok with it and they are still married(although I'm sure there was a big adjustment) 4 years after the SRS and the third just has her SRS last June---Her wife is still with her but is starting to have real serious issues(no suprise there) You should remember that your wife married a guy probably because that's what turns her on----Going through the whole transition doesn't leave any room for compromise, either she will accept it or not---either way you have My support--good luckxoxox

hi Ms Janessa
well now you can add another one to your list.. and Jenni ask your self is it worth it ? what do you stand to lose. and what would you gain..
take a good look at your self and ask your self who are you.
i too went through the same issues as you i lost my marriage the respect of my kids some family members oh and if you have kids you have to pay support etc etc etc ... and in the end will you be happier.. please think real hard ... hugs Marissa

[MsJanessa]

Hi Marissa-----the three TSs who tansitioned late, are, to a lady, glad that they did it---one did suffer professional consequences but the other two are from Maine where we have laws protecting TSs (and incidentily cd) from discrimination. Suprixingly I know two TSs who transitioned in their 20s--theay are now 50 somethings--who hadn't really established their lives as men--they had problems(mainly economic) but not the same kind as those who transition later in life.----Nice talking with you---if you ever vacation in the state of Maine contact me---btw is Hamilton anywhere near Ottawa?

[Kelly,R]

get counciling,and think on it A LOT,be very careful about walking though a door you cannot walk back out of:hugs:

[Victoria Anne]

Jenni
what can I say that has not already been said,so I will just say this. Think it through carefully and know that all of us here will thinking of you and hoping for the best outcome that will serve you in lives endever for happiness.Best wishes

[Angie G]

Good luck on your problem Jenni I will pray all works out for you hun :hugs:
Angie

[Calliope]

And I'm going to go see a psychologist to try and figure things out.

Make sure the psychologist is working for you, not just plugging in his / her outsider's views.

And best wishes to you.

[carriejoe]

Jenni, I too am in a similar situation. The more i explore and get out the more i want to transition. My fiance is totally cool with it, but my problem lies in that i have two kids 8 and 13 that live with my ex and are with me every chance they can get. I love my kids and dont want to do anything to hurt them and am not sure what this would do to them. So at this time i am content to dress when they arent around. Maybe when they are both older i will still follow the path of transition, as this is what my heart truly desires!:happy:

[Jenn2716]

Thanks for all of the responses. I appreciate your thoughts on all of this.

Be assured that I am not taking my situation lightly. Even though I said I've been tortured by these thoughts for the last 6 months. I've spent the last 20 years trying to come to terms with "am I a cd or ts". And after 20 years I'm more confused than ever.

I know a couple of people think that I might be looking at living a femme life through rose coloured glasses. That I will automatically become happier and prance around in frilly clothes wherever I want. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I wouldn't even get rid of all my guy clothes, if I want to be a girl but still have a lazy day, what's better than a big sweatshirt and pair of comfy jeans? After meeting two TS girls around here, I am aware of what I can expect as far as fallout over attempting to transition. The decision I have to make is if all of that loss and rejection is worth being able to feel whole or at peace. And I don't know if I would even achieve those feelings of wholeness or peace by going through with it. Its just a possibility at this point. I could end up being even more miserable.

I turned 30 this year. My wife and I don't have any kids and we aren't going to have any (mutal decision). While I do have a good job and I like it, I don't think being femme at work would get me fired. If I went about it the right away, transitioning at work would be possible, though probably quite awkard at first. As for my family. We live far apart and though I love them, we have never beeen a close family. I talk to mom by phone about once a week and my dad about once a month. I chat with my brother online a couple of times a week. I visit them about once a year but in all honesty, its been a long time since I've ever felt part of that family unit. I love them, they love me, but its always like its at arms lenght away.

As for friends; Got none. Seriously. none. I have a couple of co-workers who I can chit chat with but we don't hang out outside of the office and some guys I play hockey with on Friday nights, again I've never interacted with them outside of the rink. I do not have one single, solitary friend that I can talk to about anything of significance. Unless, of course, you count my wife. She is my best friend and the only one who matters.

Gawd, I hate that my mind is doing this to me.