what would u choose ?

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

due to events happening in my own life, im wondering what u all would do +? if it came between ur SO and the c/d ? which is more important to u +? as in if ur SO turned round and said "what is more important to u right now ? our relatinshiop, or the c/d. which do u love more ? "
i understand its something u carnt just give up, but what would u do ?:straightface:

[ColleenCD]

A question for the ages. Being married for 26 years I would walk through the valley of the shadow of death before loosing my wife. I would be the saddest, yet prettiest girl on the inside you could ever imagine.:sad:

I would hope that we could continue to find a balance between our needs and make each other happy. I love her more than myself. :happy:

Colleen

[Blonde]

I would try to give up the CD, but I know that as time went on the urge to CD would re-surface..., living with me would be hell, as I could never be truly happy.
Being a CD is not something that will go away. I have found that the longer one supresses it the stronger it becomes...until one day the CD "explodes" and only going FULL CD will satisfy it. (Dress , makeup, wig, shoes, nails, and out in public)

I would try for the relationship, but my SO has to ALSO try to understand that this is a part of me and it can NEVER be totally gotten rid of. A relationship IS a two way street.

[Holly]

Well, I'd have to ask her what is really bothering her. She might as well ask me to give up my right arm or my sense of humor. Wicked, I mean no disrespect and I truly sense your question is sincere. BUT whenever one partner tries to change the other, it can only lead to trouble. I can't begin to tell you how wrong it is for a CDing partner not to disclose this information at the beginning of the relationship. But again the fact of the matter is that CDing made up character of that person and influenced his personality and how other perceived him irregardless if the CDing was disclosed or not. Even if the CDing partner was successful in removing it from his life, he would be a changed person and very likely not at all like the man you fell in love with. My :2c: .

[Glenda58]

I give it up for years then it start again and she found out and left. Second wife found out kept it away from her till she got sick told me it was OK because she knew I loved her. Then she pass away. Now I'm alone trying to find someone who understands that I will love them only but CDing is part of me that will not go away.

[serinalynn]

Theres no question, my wife would always win. In 26years of marriage she has never given my reason to look else where. I just do not want to tear down all we have built together. Being in my mid 50's I don't have the time to go back and earn another living. I am her husband first and Serinalynn second.

[Nike]

"Sometimes you feel like a ****..... sometimes you don't"

[sissystephanie]

I would try my best to give up cding. A loving relationship is hard to find.

[QUOTE}Theres no question, my wife would always win. In 26years of marriage she has never given my reason to look else where. I just do not want to tear down all we have built together. Being in my mid 50's I don't have the time to go back and earn another living. I am her husband first and Serinalynn second.[Quote]

After 49 1/2 years of a very Blessed marriage, I would have to agree with both the above quotes. Thank heaven it never came about because she knew before we were married and was very supportive. But if it had become a problem, my love for her, which still exists even though she is not here physically, would cause me to try my darndest to totally give up CD'ing. Even if it meant going to a Therapist!:rolleyes:

A loving marriage should mean more than anything else. If you love your spouse totally, as you should, there should be no question as to what would happen.

Sissy

More Girl than man

[Tina Dixon]

At this time I would haul it to the dumpster, it would not be worth it to put her through hard times, shes to good of a gal to mess up and lose over that if she had a problem with it.

[Aprilrain]

you ladies have a handle on this thing called Crossdressing that i know icould not mustter. Frankly I would become defensive. this is just my personallity. when handed ulltimatums i usually chose the See You Later option and deal with the consequences later.

[Khriss]

Where is the self-centered -Answer? hmm "K"

[Shelly Preston]

I would do my best to give up the crossdressing.
How sucessful I would be I dont know but I would have to try.
It may drive me crazy in the process and I would probably end up dressing in secret with all the problems that brings.
I did give up dressing for around seven years but it finally came time for me to come clean to my wife.

[Chiana]

Good luck with that situation. My "former" SO was attracted to me for many reasons. Throughout our relationship, she continued to chip away at my personality and who I was. While I was in the relationship, I just couldn't recognize the big picture. I just wanted to make her happy. She was a wonderful woman who I loved very much. After 7 years she didn't like the new me she had help create and she left. I was devastated. I had tryed so hard to make her happy. Two weeks after she left, I broke out all of my old "toys" and it was wonderful. I haven't regretted a moment since then.

[Delila]

I would definately try to find a comprimise. She should also know that cding is not a choice it is not something that you can change anymore then you can stop waking up in the morning. I understand that some women have trouble coping with a person cding. The thing that I have noticed at least in my relationship is that if she starts to get uncomfortable, slow down at least a little if not signifigantly. Offer to try to find a middle ground were you dont dress in front of her. If this does not work I would strongly recommend counseling. Hope this helps a bit.

[tekla west]

Good grief! If CD is a part of your life, and you want to trade that against, what???? 6,667,451,400 (as I write this) other people on this planet RIGHT NOW, who MIGHT love you, and even if you are only into women, its like 3,333,220,200, and you can't find ONE who accepts you? Three BILLION girls, BILLION!!!! And your telling me that your pick of the litter don't like you? Get a grip, and try. The next woman in line is right next to you.

I know, I know, "yours is special", right. If she was "all that" then she would really love you wouldn't she?

[Deborah_UK]

I was never given that ultimatum although I tried my hardest to give up dressing when I married, I hadn't told her before we got married because I thought that I loved her so much. She was the one thing missing in my life so I could easily give up dressing. I couldn't. She never said to me "quit dressing" but she divorced me because of my "unreasonable behaviour".
Several other relationships went west, some because of my dressing others for more mundane reasons but no-one said to me "its either the dressing or me". So I promised myself, never again. Which is probably a good thing because I realised that I was TS and had been pretending that I was a crossdresser.

My current relationship has now lasted seven years (we don't live together) and my SO goes shopping with me, buys me things, and if I move towards transition has said she will still support me and be my friend.

I think ultimatums backfire, cause resentment and ultimately the relationship flounders anyway.

[Deborah]

I suppose unconditional love is out of the question?

[Shannon CD]

I gave it up for my last GF. Didn't help. She just kept finding other things and people that she knew were very important to me to tell me it was either her or them. She started in on my family and the last straw for me was when I went to a cousin's funeral and spent more time with my family than she thought I should have, so she ignored me and treated me like crap for the following 2 weeks. I finally told her she had to find another place to live.

To make a long story into a short answer I believe that if someone truly cares about you they won't ask you to give up something you care about in the first place. I would have to say I would choose the dressing now. Ultimatums are not given by people with character.

[DanaStrauss]

I'd ask what the real problem was. I'd ask for "I statements", not ultimatums.

Dana is such a major part of my concept of my self that I couldn't just give her up. And, I can't imagine someone who loves me asking me to give her up. Of course, I don't know the "events" you're alluding to, so I can't speak for that situation, only my own.

I'd need to hear "I statements" telling me what was really going on. "I feel uncomfortable around you when you're dressed" is a valid concern, and one that can be explored and worked around. Is it how I dress? Does something about the way I act seem too stereotypical? "I feel ashamed" might also be a springboard to exploring feelings together. "I feel hurt when you flirt with men" is a very real concern too. In these cases, the issue isn't the CDing, but how it makes the spouse or SO feel, and that needs to be addressed before any kind of acceptance is possible.

But simply saying "choose between me and CDing" isn't going to work. It's a no-brainer, because it's really saying "choose between me and yourself".

:2c:

[Lisa Golightly]

I'd leave. Essentially this is what I am, and I'd want to find someone who was happy to be with me as I am, and equally I'd want the best for my ex-SO. Why give them a half life when they should enjoy a full life. Life's to short to waste on mere existing.

[Cami_wi]

Hmmmm, A quite a few of you seem to worry abouy " Her " . I have tp wonder if SHE was given a Choice over something that has been and IS part of HER what would she choose, You or It. Lets say QUIT buying Mens Jeans, Cause they Fit better, Wearing Mens Flannel Shirts cause they Keep Her warm ? Just some thoughts.
The Definiton of a Crossdresser is : Someone that wears the clothes of the opposite gender, Generally Men wearing womens clothes . It does Not say ONLY Men. Women Crossdress All the time, like the Buisness woman wearing a 3 piece suit. Isn't she Sharp. Wearing Mens T shirts , it goes on and on. As a society WE all are taught to accept this, IF a man puts on a dress he is called terrible names. Faggot, Queer, Fairy and many others In my Opinion Society on a whole has allot to learn. When Women all protested about equal rights burned their bras, they want Equal Rights , but only the ones that suited them fine. This is not meant to attack ANY women here or anyplace. Women are still treated like second rate people, Under MEN and this is a terrible thing in a Soceity Run by MEN.
I am a Transsexual Female, I discovered this after Many years of Attending CD/TG support Groups, Therapy and seeing a Phyciatrist for many years. I did all this on my own, in hopes to find anwers and make my marraige better.Of Coarse my wife didn't need any councleing Cause there was Nothing wrong with her. Some may not agree with that seeing she it attrated to those that Dress as women. My wife Left me for a Transvestite, she was married to a CD before we married. (14 years of marraige ) I was honest with her from the start about my Dressing, she was fine with it. So my Dressing had Nothing to do with divorce, many other issues did though.As mentioned by Anthea " I don't think its a matter of choosing, I think it is learning to accept your SO for who and what they are. It works both ways. " and Deborah UK " I realised that I was TS and had been pretending that I was a crossdresser. " and so many other Great Posts and Views.
I to am Happy I found this Group and get answers and S.O.'s point of View. On this Website http://www.avitale.com/MenuPage.html the 9th Link down on the Left side has something that I find very interesting and think it is helpful to all that deal with this. a S.O. Point of View ......Take Care All ......

[Joy Carter]

Some really great posts here. I think what would it be like with out her+? I'd just as soon cut my right arm off then to be without her and she knows that. But with me I tried to control it, I tried not to think about it but it took a toll on me and my relationships. I was never happy in anything I did. Oh there was short bursts of happiness but you know it was the CD thing that was always in the back of my mind. The need the desire to be myself was so strong that I was damaging myself mentally. I don't believe that this is a mental thing with me. I do believe it's part genetics, part chemistry, part brain and part environmental. She acknowledges me for who I am because I have accepted myself finlay. She does not like it but knows it's here to stay. I pray one day that she accepts and believes in me just like she believes it the male side of me. And no there will be no smart-alic answers from me on this one.

[kerrianna]

:thinking: Well.....sure, I'll give up the CDing. ....
.... but there's a price to pay then :D .... just like if I asked you to give something up you think you love....:love:
:hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

You have to qualify the question. Most are either saying yes or they would try to compromise or work on it. We all talk a good fight. There is a reason though for the existsance of this "woman" we have become. Being this "woman" consumes a lot of our time, energy and attention(and money). That's quite an investment to simply give up. Not only that, but this "woman" fulfills a lot of our needs and feelings. It really has nothing to do with our SO but try to convince her of that. Their reasoning is : Why do you need "her" if you have me? After all, didn't we get together because I am a woman? What does "she" have that I haven't got? The SO feels she is competition with another "woman"and basically resents it and feels something is wrong with her, otherwise why would we do it? As men, we perceive, for whatever reason that women have it easier than we do and we want to relax from being the "man" that society expects us to be. I'll admit that it's a hard image to fulfill and maintain but that's where the part of being a man comes in. As men, we are very seldom in touch with our feelings and find it hard to express them. How many of us cry at weddings? How many of us break down when something very emotional happens? Growing up, we are "taught" to supress those kinds of feelings and to be a "man". I say bullshit on that. Feelings are what it is all about my friends. Sharing those feelings with someone you love is theraputic, not only for them but for you as well. Why do you think we were given emotions in the first place? As a safety valve, most guys can understand that. Our male demeanor demands we fight this. When we do this, shit happens and the "shit" in our case is failing to our softer side and demonstrating that by being our femme self. How else can we still be men? Okay, okay we say we don't want to be men but who's kidding who? Genetics determines how we act. A leopard can't pretend to be a zebra, it just doesn't work. So, what am I saying here? Simply put, we need to understand just why we need to be who we need to be. If we are in love with our SO's, we owe it to them to work with them to understand our feelings. I realize some of us here are TG but that is different. I'm just talking about male CD's here and our motivation. We can't have it both ways, however and have to make a decision. That's why I say there is no "quick fix" no "easy answer" when it comes to working things out with our SO's. We know damn well the feelings will return if we "give up" our femme self or "purge". How long until we do it again? This is just my observation. You don't have to take my word for it. If I had followed the advice I'm giving here, my wife and I would still be together. Listen it's not easy but well worth the effort. Search and understand your feelings and work on that understanding with your SO's. They know what feelings are all about. It's time we, as men, learned to really process our feelings and share them with the important woman in our life. I guarantee they will love you for it.:happy: Ericka/Rich

[Wendy me]

due to events happening in my own life, im wondering what u all would do +? if it came between ur SO and the c/d ? which is more important to u +? as in if ur SO turned round and said "what is more important to u right now ? our relatinshiop, or the c/d. which do u love more ? "
i understand its something u carnt just give up, but what would u do ?:straightface:


oh wicked easy to answer this see my wife knows about my cding but is not like supportive at all .... and although we have made quite a few steps twards more acceptance we have far to go... i Love her to death:hugs: although being Wendy is something that i love .... as is often the case When things involve my wife Wendy gets put on the back burner:( ...........

[Debb]

(can't seem to quit staring at the tube-top bouncy girl avatar)

... must concentrate ...

Ericka/Rich, I feel that you've hit it on the head.

It is so damn hard to begin to express one's feelings when one has grown up being expected not to have any. My wife has caught me crying at the end of movies, etc, and I always turn my head away in shame, afraid to be "caught" having feelings, let alone allowing the tears to fall.

That said, I would probably outwardly "give up the crossdressing", maybe even publicly purge .. and eventually I would drift back, but go deep into the closet. And we all know how that works out.

[Veronica E. Scott]

due to events happening in my own life, im wondering what u all would do +? if it came between ur SO and the c/d ? which is more important to u +? as in if ur SO turned round and said "what is more important to u right now ? our relatinshiop, or the c/d. which do u love more ? "
i understand its something u carnt just give up, but what would u do ?:straightface:



What I did was tell my wife that I loved her more than anything and that in all honesty I could not change the person that I am it is a very real part of what makes up who I am. On the 30th of october my wife moved out she said that she could not live with it any longer so she moved in with some friends from church.You have to be honest with her and yourself if the other person can't handle it or can't live with it then they have to do what ever makes them happy living with there decision is not always easy.

[samantha78]

I would try my best to give up cding. A loving relationship is hard to find.

I already told my fiancee that if it were to come down to my cding and her I would get rid of every thing and keep her. She is much more important to me! That should be a no brainer question!!!

[davorra]

If you need to dress then you need to dress. It is up to you to make the decision to be able to dress or continue with the relationship.

[Sharon]

I have to wonder whether most of those who replied that they would give up crossdressing for their SO, really mean it. It's all well and good, and admirable also, to give up something you love for a wife(or girlfriend, husband, or boyfriend), but I suspect that most would simply hide their dressing rather than discontinue it.

If a SO is adamant about you giving up crossdressing, you have to ask why. Is it ignorance of what crossdressing is and isn't? Is it because they are more afraid of other's reactions if it was to become known than they are of your needs and desires? It seems to me that if a SO says "either/or," then they place their own needs above yours.

This isn't to say that we shouldn't be willing to come to some sort of compromise with our SO's, but compromise works best when both parties do so. If a spouse says no -- with no ifs, ands, or buts -- then I have to wonder just how much does he or she really love me.

[BREE GG]

well being a GG myself, I feel for you & your spouse.

I know that for me I could never ask my spouse to give it up.
It is a part of who he is, I married him for better or worse.

But sometimes you have have to try and put yourself in the other persons shoes. No pun intended!

You will never fully understand what they feel but you can do your best to try and understand, If you feel that you cant accept them for who they are then the relationship will most likely never survive.
You cant change the person or their feelings they are who they are.

Its not easy but a little part of us just wants to understand more or sometimes try to change that person, but we cant so we sit ourselfs down and ask the big question that huants us.

Can I Accept this ?
Its not an easy question to answer but if you look deep within yourself you may find the answer that your looking for.

I know im pretty much saying the same as everyone else, but you know deep in your heart the right thing to do.

Bree GG :2c:

[Marla S]

... if ur SO turned round and said "what is more important to u right now ? our relatinshiop, or the c/d. which do u love more ? "

Given that the emotions linked to CDing are an essential part of ones life, this question would make me think about leaving.

What's more important to you ?

Lack of acceptance or your relationship ?

(Compromises are probably nececessary, but denying CDing ... no way)

[Nigella]

I honestly don't think I would ever have to make that choice. The decision to spend the rest of our lives together, with all that we are was made years ago.

Sandra knows that Nigella is me, not just a part of me, but ME. She found it difficult in the begining, we worked at it, and are now very happy in the life we both live.

Should push come to shove and a choice had to be made, of course Sandra would win, no matter how hard it was on me, she is more important to me than my own life.

I once said to Sandra, "if you found someone else, I would not stop you leaving, it would be obvious I had not done enough to keep you". Believe me I would try to persuade her, but if it was her choice, then she could leave, with my blessing and no hard feelings. Her happiness is all that matters.

[Gails]

Why is that the man has to give up everything? I have been cding all my life and have no intention of stoping. Is really love when one person does all the giving.
My past wife knew of my crossdressing before we were married, I would often wear her panties. After we got married, she provided me with nylons, garter belts, silk, satin or nylon panties and long satin gowns, ladies stretch pants, silkey blouses and hi heels. We were married 30 years before she passed away with cancer.
My present wife an I have been married 17 years and on our wedding night she gave me several pairs of crotchless panties that she got as gifts. She said that I can wear what I like as long as I can provide love session as I can (can make her have multiple orgasims) We are both in our 70 s.
Think about the word LOVE, it is not all sex.:hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

That's the way my wife is Sharon. She'd rather "hide" in Florida taking care of her Mom than face the issues here. For whatever reason, she just cannot bring herself to acknowledge my Ericka persona. I guess she thinks she will lose part of her own identity if she does that. She is stubborn about it, so who's being the "man" here really? Still, I'm of the disposition if she at least acknowledged my feelings in that respect, I would put Ericka on the "shelf" for good. You all know I have the resolve to do it but if I do it, I want to do it because I want to, not because I HAVE to. It's kind of like a "battle of wits" or a "staring contest". Who's going to give in first? I would of course but because I know I would win and not lose no matter what I did. It would only mean something, however, if she knows I did it because I wanted to and because I wanted to be with her. I've always been one to challenge the "rules" of things. As long as something is valid and meaningful, I'll acede. If something is simply based on tradition or consenus, I need to see it validated before I will accept it. The "proof is in the pudding" so to speak. Anyway, you bring up a good point. If someone gives in and sacrifices something as valuable as their identity, you have to ask yourself what the motive is and what could be possibly coming next. While the feelings issue is valid, it's important that both parties know exactly what is to be expected in regard to each other.:happy: Ericka/Rich

[Rachel Morley]

For me this is a hypothetical situation because my wife looked to date a cder before she met me. She actually likes my dressing and wants to be a in a relationship with a guy who likes to present as feminine. But before we got together we did talk about everything, and this type of subject was discussed. At the time I said to her "I love my girlfriend for her first.....not her clothes" and of course this is still true.

But..If I was in a scenario like the one you describe I'd like to think that I could curtail my dressing, not give it up, but come to a compromise. I have to say though, that my main focus would be want to find the root cause of why my SO was so dead set against it that she was issuing me with an ultimatum, and was willing to throw away a relationship because of it. That kind of action would probably mean it wasn't just the clothes. It would probably make me think she was scared about other things, like what it might lead to. Going out in public, what the neighbors might think, hormones, spending all the household budget on clothes, what if the family found out?, seeing other men, etc etc....whatever it was that she really feared is what I would want to talk about.

It's a two way street. It seems to me there would be something that is not the dressing in the clothes that would be the real problem. ...that is, unless she was the sort of SO who really liked the big, tough guy, hairy, macho type of a man, and that to see him wearing women's clothes would be a big turn off for her. But if that were the case, she wouldn't be with me in the first place, because I'm the complete opposite of that. Like I said, it's a hypothetical situation.

[Sweet Jane]

Hi

Relationship or crossdressing, one has to go...

How could I choose?? Yes I can stop crossdressing, for a while, and if the urge to dress goes, then that "while" may be years...but...all of my life I have felt that I don't control my crossdressing, it has always controled me. I might just as easily say to save my marriage that I won't eat...yes I can do that for a while too, but when the urge hits hard, I'll eat.

I honestly believe that this is in my genetic make up...something sort of snaps in my head and here I am looking like a lady, and yes, that is wierd behaviour, I know its odd, it embarrasses me, at times grosses me out and yet I continue to do it.

So choose you say...If I was told to dump all crossdressing for my spouse then that's what I would do, but I know that "never is a long time". Probably too long.

[GG Vanya]

From my perspective, it isn't actually the "being" a CD that causes SO's all the problems. I've seen it happen time and again that the core personality of the CD gives the SO reason to want it all to go away.

1. Selfishness
2. Temper tantrums when things don't go their way and they can't dress.
3. No self control when it comes to shopping for their femme self.


I could list more, but I'm sure you get the idea.

So, for the SO, even if she gave this ultimatum and the CD chose her over it, I really don't think it would solve all their problems.

I think being a crossdresser magnifies underlying personality traits. If a CD is, at heart, a giving and loving man, he will be more so when expressing his feminine side. If he is an immature selfish boor well, that's gonna come out in spades when he breaks down the closet door.

In summation, it's not what a CD *does* so much as who they *are*.

[Jena11]

Well, My wife of 7 years tried to make me promise I would not cross dress at all or ever again. I did my best to try but I was not completely successful and she could not deal with it any more. She left, I did everything she asked and still could not make her happy. I think the answer is that no matter how much you love you SO you may not be able to live with yourself in put in the sitution. :2c:

[BobbieCD1944]

1st a little background. I'll be 62 in a few days. I'm retired military. Was married for close to 30 years. Raised 3 great kids. Left Calif earlier this year for the PNW. I live alone. I married at 22. Early in the marriage I mentioned my crossdressing. Overtime also talked about kinky things. The conversations were on the lite side, I somehow knew not to overwhelm her. There was no real acceptance or rejection. I did my thing when she was gone or I was away traveling. During the last few years of our marriage we grew apart, separated and later divorced. It had little to do with my crossdressing or kinks. She left. We are still friends. After she left, I started checking out the kink community in the SF Bay area. Became involved and had an outlet for my dressing and other things.

During the past 16 or so years, here is the one thing I am convinced about myself. I will not get into a relationship with any GG that does not know who and what I am, who will not support or participate. If and when I get into a relationship, there will be one very hard limit established. If she wakes up some morning thinking all that we are or have done is evil and a sin, I am voting with my feet. I'll be gone. That will be a two way thing. I'd expect her to be gone, should I change that drastically.

That may sound very selfish. I don't think so. There is not a doubt oin my mind, that if she gave me an ultimatum, that I may box up all my leather and lace, be a good boy for awhile, then, the needs would return, and I'd be doing it all behind her back. That would not be a good thing. I know me. It's part of who I am. It isn't going to go away.

[Honey Lynn]

I'd try to give the cding up but if that didn't work I'd have to search for a more understanding SO:sad:

[linnea]

Well, as some others have said, a good relationship is hard to find. I've got one, so if it came to that choice, I'd have to try to give up CDing. However, I would also try to determine, as at least one other said, what is really bothering my wife. In other words, I would try to win back my CDing if possible. Since my wife doesn't know that I crossdress, I live in fear that this actually might happen: she finds out and insists that I stop or lose her.

[JulieCDorlando]

Hello,
I would give my CDing up without so much of a second thought, should the one I truely love would want that from me. I actually did give up my CDing up early in my life for quite a number of years. And for the right person I would certainly try to do that again, or in the very least curtail the activities of it more, to certain and mutally acceptable times for it. My past experiences has led me to the understanding that CDing is something not easily given up. CDing seems to always find its way back to the one that swears it off for good. It can be quiet a struggle for a CD both FTM,MTF to surrender a part of themselves that they feel who they truely are. CDing at least from a MTF side of it also is a selfish activity. To have new found freedom after acceptance from a spouse or SO doesn't entitle a CD to go out and do all sorts of unacceptable activities, not acceptable by a spouse/SO. Sadly though this is the case by far and large. CD's for the most part do have a selfish side to them. I admit that I was very selfish back when I was young, and since I have matured more now, I am much more attentive, caring, considerate, kind, affectionate, no matter whether I am in a dress or mens clothing. My CDing has brought out a few of the better qualities of my personality now, more so than before I began my CDing.
There are a few draw backs to CDing, just as there are some draw backs to non CD's. All of us no matter whether you are male, female, FTM, or MTF, all of us have draw backs. It is because we are human. No one is perfect.
If there where such a thing as a perfect world where acceptance, tolerance, forgiveness, intergrity, honesty, decentcy, compassion would be more expected/demanded from all of us towards our fellow human beings, then placing a demand on someone to conform to some one elses idea of a perfect companion would not have to be so.
This is merely an opinion of mine only, with drawn from a few experiences and observances from my own past. :2c:

[kellylynn_31]

I am inspired by the comments. In am also blessed with a loving and understanding wife of 16 years. I would do my best to stop and not damage a great friendship. The truly fortunate thing is she accepts me for me and provides the best love imaginable. The unconditional kind.


Kelly

[Rachel Morley]

I think being a crossdresser magnifies underlying personality traits. If a CD is, at heart, a giving and loving man, he will be more so when expressing his feminine side. If he is an immature selfish boor well, that's gonna come out in spades when he breaks down the closet door.
:clap: :clap: :clap: hear! hear! ....I don't think it's the cding per se.

[Deborah_UK]

Its so easy to say - yes I'd give up in a heartbeat. If that was the case why are there so many damaged/destroyed relationships because of crossdressing?

Wake up and smell the coffee.

It like the Christmas saying - a dog is for life not just Christmas

Well crossdressing/transgenderism is for life - not just until your SO/wife/girlfriend says enough is enough.

Anyone who says differently is, sadly, deluding themselves.


Stands back awaiting the flames! - but be really honest with yourself - you could no more quit CDing than breathing.

If you could give up - don't you think you would have done by now? It would have saved so much angst.

[Kimberley]

I can say this from facing that very scenario. I gave up, or tried to. I lasted 5 years. It was 5 years of chronic depression and one suicide attempt and a nervous breakdown. Today I am back in the closet, seriously medicated, in therapy, and unable to hold a full time job. Is it worth it? You tell me.

If the question arises again, it will be turned around. "What is more important to you, my mental health and happiness or our relationship?" I can accommodate her not wanting to be a part of this but I cant live a lie.

So to say I dont care about our relationship would be dead wrong but having come through and still having to live with the problems, it is no contest. The relationship will have to go. I will be better off happy than in constant misery.

It cant be a relationship where one "partner" controls or where one person cannot be themselves. The irony of it all is that many of our feminine attributes are what attracted our wives in the first place.

Sorry if this isnt the answer you were hoping for but it is reality...mine.

Kimberley

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

first of all, sorry i didnt reply straight away. havent had such a good w/e :sad: but iam really impressed by all ur reactions/comments to my thread. also iam more so surprised how most of u would be willing to give up the c/d for ur SO's ( if asked ). i really do understand how hard it would be for alot of c/d, but the fact that ur willing to forefit it WOW !! :D u have given me some faith back now. there was me thinking it was a loosing battle, but.....theres sum scope for comprimises maybe in relationships with c/d. its just a matter of finding right balance :thumbsup:
"thank you all again" for ur input :happy: :love:

[Michellebej]

Wicked,

I guess I would have to ask a couple of questions first.

The first being; "Is this forever, or; do you just need some breathing space?"

If it is just some space to collect yourself, and/or to sort things out, then yes, I would stop what I was doing. I did once for year, just for those reasons.

If it were the former, then the answer would be "no". A sad "no" ,but; "No" just the same.

The reason is that she is telling me that she does not Love me. She may think she does, but; in reality she only loves those parts of me that appeal to her.

And; without total and complete Love there is no relationship.

I had a wife that totally controled my dressing. She shaped my, or tried to shape my feminine personality. And; when she got it to where she wanted it, she became scared of those things that had been revealed within herself.

Ultimately the marriage broke up. She married a "vanillia" ( her words) man, and is now, ten years later, miserable and severly depressed and overwieght ( like way over 200 poulds; at 5-2).

Love

Michele

[DonnaT]

My wife has asked me that several times, and my answer is always "She's more important." However, I always follow up with "But you know good and well I can't quit, and I'm not going back in the closet." I then let her figure out what she wants to do.

[Butterfly Bill]

When I had that conflict (16 years ago) I chose the CD.

[ReginaK]

There are many women in the world, but only one of me. I'd be a fool to give up myself. So what would be the use of having an SO if I am no one?

[Robin Leigh]

due to events happening in my own life, im wondering what u all would do +? if it came between ur SO and the c/d ? which is more important to u +? as in if ur SO turned round and said "what is more important to u right now ? our relatinshiop, or the c/d. which do u love more ? "
i understand its something u carnt just give up, but what would u do ?:straightface:

As you say, it's not something we can give up. The "girl in the mirror" can hide, but she never goes away. I'm not currently in a relationship, but I have always told my girlfriends that I CD very early in the relationship.

I'd remind my SO that my CDing is an important part of me, but I want it to be something that strengthens our bond, not separates us. If it's not fun for both of us, we should do things differently.

So what's happening with you two, wickedblonde? Is your CD getting a bit carried away? That can happen when we feel we have the freedom which comes with the love of a supportive GG. Also, we get so used to solo CDing that we need to learn how to share the experience with our SO.

I'm not trying to make excuses for selfish behaviour, just giving possible explanations. If your CD isn't behaving up to scratch, send him here. We'll teach him the proper way to treat a goddess like yourself. :)
Don't worry, he's probably just suffering from a mild overdose of The Pink Fog. :D

I may have more to add when I finish reading this thread.

:hugs:

Robin

[Clare]

I was in a relationship for nine years and hinted to my ex that I wanted to dress in women's clothing, but she was anti to the max!

So i resisted dressing whilst we were together and it was soooooo difficult for me, but I abstained for her out of love. But it was very difficult to refrain from dressing and caused me stress which probably affected our relationship in some ways.

So, I've been there done that, and now I'm single and making up for lost time!


due to events happening in my own life, im wondering what u all would do +? if it came between ur SO and the c/d ? which is more important to u +? as in if ur SO turned round and said "what is more important to u right now ? our relatinshiop, or the c/d. which do u love more ? "
i understand its something u carnt just give up, but what would u do ?:straightface:

[Robin Leigh]

What I did was tell my wife that I loved her more than anything and that in all honesty I could not change the person that I am it is a very real part of what makes up who I am. On the 30th of october my wife moved out she said that she could not live with it any longer so she moved in with some friends from church.You have to be honest with her and yourself if the other person can't handle it or can't live with it then they have to do what ever makes them happy living with there decision is not always easy.
:bighug:
You have a good positive attitude Veronica. Hang in there, girl. Your sisters are here for you. And never forget, the Lord moves in mysterious ways. Especially when it comes to mysterious people like us. :)

:hugs:

Robin

[Kate Simmons]

...................is the word, Robin. Think I may write a book someday based on the CD Mystique.:happy: Ericka/Rich

[Penny]

due to events happening in my own life, im wondering what u all would do +? if it came between ur SO and the c/d ? which is more important to u +? as in if ur SO turned round and said "what is more important to u right now ? our relatinshiop, or the c/d. which do u love more ? "
i understand its something u carnt just give up, but what would u do ?:straightface:
First of all, crosdressing is a soft way of saying transvestite. Now transvestism is not an illness but rather it is psychological manifestation. In other words, it is part6 of who we are. It is neither right or wrong, it just is.
While most here say they would try to give it up, it is vertually impossible.
You have not said what events are happening in your life but I would like you to consider this. Suppose for a moment, you are a very jeleous person. You are suspisious of every woman who comes is contact with your husband. Your jeleousy is threatening your marriage because you do not permit your husband to go anywhere without you. Your husband didn't realize just how jeleous you were when he married you and now he is wondering if it is all worth it. Your husband says to you "change your jeleous ways or we are through". Should he expect that you will never be jeleous again? No, because that is, by nature, who you are. He must never give you a reason to be jeleous and you must learn to control your jeleousy.
So it is much the same with crossdressing. It is a personal thing. A spouse doesn't have to support it, participate in it or be involved in it in any way.
She does have some understanding about it, accept that it is part of the person she is with and make space for that person to cd.
The crossdresser must understand how the other half feels about it, respect that and learn to control it much the same as jeleousy.

:hugs:
Penny

[Marcie Sexton]

Having been there and done that, to me its a no brainer. I did give up my c/d, after 20 + years of marriage and years of doubt and guilt, I would suppose I am no worse for the wear.

I really dont know if she was testing me to see if I was gay, or had an thing on the side, but finally when I least expected it she presented me with my things again.

For me, though compainionship, love and trust much out weigh my own wants and needs.
:hugs:

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

from my own personnal experience of c/d with someone, i would never have suspected in a million years he c/d :eek: so it was a total :eek: when he told me. i always laugh when im nervous, ( ie if someone has died i do same ) :( so the reaction wasnt that good, there was that "awkard" silence etc. but.... i talked, wanted to know, so it got alittle easier @ time. when ive read posts on this forum, it seriously does make me come away thinking, and trying to undertsand in my head more on c/d. i have taken the view, ( no offense to anyone on this) that i just see it as a "outer-skin". i try to see beyound the outside, its whats inside that matters to me, anyways. and ....... ive thought about it like this : whats better +? to have someone who's a druggie ? alcholic ? ( although drink seems to be consumed alot when they dress ) !! or someone who c/d ?
i dont speak for all us SO's, but imagin if u found out ur SO was having an affair ? and u found out about it ? thats similar to when we find out about c/d ? ( those type of feelings anyways ) .:straightface: every emotion possible flys thru ur head , trying to make sense of it. ( and more so when u have children i would imagin ). holding a family unit together, and dealing with "other" things as well.... :rolleyes: bloody damn hard. :straightface: whats that saying ?? "love will conquer all". :thumbsup:

[Marcie Sexton]

You have made a very good point, Penny...

Very well put, how simple and yet thoughtful your statement is and how much it would help in most cases...

[Robin Leigh]

iam more so surprised how most of u would be willing to give up the c/d for ur SO's ( if asked ). i really do understand how hard it would be for alot of c/d, but the fact that ur willing to forefit it WOW !! :D

Some CDs may try to stop, but it will only be temporary. Then they will go back to doing it in secret. I'm sure that's not a desired outcome.


u have given me some faith back now. there was me thinking it was a loosing battle, but.....theres sum scope for comprimises maybe in relationships with c/d. its just a matter of finding right balance :thumbsup:

In any relationship, the partners should be considerate of each other's feelings. Without some sort of agreed boundaries, it's easy for a CD to get carried away, & with our dual natures it's easy for our SO to feel "outnumbered".

Addendum.
And if he didn't tell you upfront, he's obliged to make some compromises, IMHO. It's just not fair to turn your SO's picture of you upside down & inside out, without giving them some way to compensate.

:hugs:

Robin

[Sarah-Anne]

I don't think I could choose. If my girlfriend asked that question, I suspect that I would tell her that a loving girlfriend would never make me choose. Having said that. I have made a compromise that I will have three days on and three days off.

[Karren H]

Family first!!! Karren last.... Is and always will be that way!!

Karren

[Marcie Sexton]

Good for you Karren, me too

[Seraph]

due to events happening in my own life, im wondering what u all would do +? if it came between ur SO and the c/d ? which is more important to u +? as in if ur SO turned round and said "what is more important to u right now ? our relatinshiop, or the c/d. which do u love more ? "
i understand its something u carnt just give up, but what would u do ?:straightface:

It is a very difficult question. How is your relationship with your SO?

[Satrana]

That is the sort of ultimatum that should never be asked, and it says a lot about the person asking it. How could any SO ask their partner to give up who they are and live unhappily for the rest of their life.

So if the ultimatum is asked, the best response would be - it is better that we separate so that we can both find partners who love us completely.

[crusadergirl]

I wouldn't give up c/ding for anyone but myself like lisa said life is to short.
Every g/f i have had has told me to give up something and they were never happy. I have done everything in my power for every girl i have dated and they just don't stop finding stuff to complain about and its mostly for nothing.
So i would only stop c/ding if i felt it was the right thing to do.

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

i would NEVER ( and havent even suggested ) that he should give the c/d up ! couldnt do that. like i have said before, it was there before me, and ok, im not 100% ok with it, but im getting to understand more about it. actualy with some of us GGs i dont think its the actual dressing that causes the probs :straightface: i think its the "issues" tied in with it sadly. for me it is. "mood swings,selfishness, " etc . and that isnt having ago @ c/d, far from it . when i started this thread, i didnt ever think it would get such a response :eek: and i thank u all for contributing to it :love: uve all certainly given me "food-for-thought" :hugs:

[bgirl]

When I first came out to my SO, I told her that I had tried many times to quit. That I would try to quit if she wanted but in all honesty it would come back. Even if I really wanted to quit, and meant it, I know it would come back. So she knows that too and realizes that it is a part of me. Total acceptance? Not yet, but we are working on it.

[Bernice]

I suppose it isn't fair for me to come to this thread so very late, and then declare the question to be invalid, but I think it is. Which would you rather give up: Food, or breathing? You can give up either, but only for a little while.

Crossdressing is not a choice, any more than being gay, or being white, or black, or whatever. For some, overeating is not a choice, and for others, anorexia nervosa is not a choice.

I've read that for those who are unwillingly deprived, salt is more important than sex. I find such revelations meaningless.

You are who you are. You can change some things, and you can modify your behavior within limits, for awhile. In the end, you are still who you are. If someone loves a manifestation of someone you are not, it makes no sense to sacrifice indefinitely in pursuit of acceptance that will never come.

[Khriss]

[QUOTE=Sharon;642715]I have to wonder whether most of those who replied that they would give up crossdressing for their SO, really mean it. It's all well and good, and admirable also, to give up something you love for a wife(or girlfriend, husband, or boyfriend), but I suspect that most would simply hide their dressing rather than discontinue it.

If a SO is adamant about you giving up crossdressing, you have to ask why. Is it ignorance of what crossdressing is and isn't? Is it because they are more afraid of other's reactions if it was to become known than they are of your needs and desires? It seems to me that if a SO says "either/or," then they place their own needs above yours.

This isn't to say that we shouldn't be willing to come to some sort of compromise with our SO's, but compromise works best when both parties do so. If a spouse says no -- with no ifs, ands, or buts -- then I have to wonder just how much does he or she really love me.[/QUOTE..

Sharon has been around here longer than most , and I'd agree that it's often a matter of perspective... while a missinformed , biased or predjudiced perspective ...may be a bad place to be (starting from) coming from ?? "K"

[Billijo_06]

If you need to pose the question then are truly in love with you wife? Do you not except her for what she is?

Then one has to wonder if she is truly in love with you and excepting for who and what you are.

I hide my desire to CD from my wife for years and a few years back, began to advance the subject with her, breaking the ice if you will. I knew she loved me unconditionally and I felt confident she would accept this part of me or at least tolerate it. Sadly, I will never know her true feelings for certain as she has pasted away just after that.

She always came first and I would have done anything to keep her in my life, including making a pack with the devil to save her life…


Just my prospective…