Should I tell the wife? (long)

[DeeInGeorgia]

A couple of reasons for my CDing are due to rejection from girls during my teens and pre-teens as well as lack of physical affection (touching, hugs) as I was growing up. Who would know that the rejection and lack of physical affection would color my life 35 years later.

My wife suffers from depression and has a substantial weight problem. My crossdressing has to affect her depression, but burnout in the medical profession probably had a larger part in her downward spiral.

One part of my crossdressing was a method to cope with little physical affection, loneliness from not having any kind of relationship with females until after college and rejection when I tried to start any kind of relationship, even just the smallest little bit of friendship.

Due to my wife's weight, we cannot cuddle, as she gets overheated almost immediately after I get close to her. She used to cuddle on me so she could control the physical contact, but that has stopped, again due to getting overheated. The only places I am allowed to touch her are her upper legs up to one spread had width from the knee, her back and head from the top of the head down to her waist to give her back rubs, and the hands and arms and the face to kiss her. I make sure to touch her (hug her) at least several times during the day and night to let her know I love and appreciate her. When we walk together, I try to hold her hand.

We hug and quick kiss before I go to work or the store and when I get back. We hug and kiss before going to bed. Except for the hug at night before we go to bed which she initiates, I am the one initiating the hugs or touches like backrubs.

So, much of the touching is started by me, very little is started by my wife. This is causing my brain to have having problems with implied rejection. The lack of cuddling and no sex really and implied rejection plays on my need to crossdress.

We have discussed this in the past, but the cuddling and other physical affection has dropped way down again, which really drives the need to crossdress more.

So telling her I need to be cuddled more, or asking if I can cuddle on her just makes her feel bad because she cannot cuddle due to her weight. She then gets more depressed and touches me even less. I cannot tell her that if she doesn't cuddle me more, I will crossdress more, as she is of the opinion that I should just get over what women and family did to me 35 years ago.

So, should I tell her I need more cuddling and she better do something about it or I will crossdress more, or should I suffer in silence?

Right now I am choosing to suffer in silence and underdress more, which unfortuneately is becoming overt, which will anger her and add to her depression.

Dee

[Joy Carter]

So sorry Dee you sound like me in allot of ways. I need the "Human Touch" thing but my spouse just don't get it. She love's me because I'm affectionate. But I think she confuses it with wanting sex and refuses to acknowledge it as a need. I constantly and casually touch her all day long. Even if my day has not gone well I make a point to touch her when I get home. I sit by her chair at night on the floor on occasion just to be by her side something she'd never do. I really think she is afraid of intimacy, afraid it will lead to sex so that leaves me on the outside wanting. There is an aliment to my CDing and that is physical touch I'm sure. Maybe because my mother was not affectionate, I needed some stimulation that brought me to start dressing at age four.

[Phyliss]

Dee, your post made me cry. If this answer seems a bit rambling it's because i'm having trouble seeing the key board through the tears that are still flowing. You've just told "my story". Wife with weight problem and depression that has been going on for over ten yrs., lack of physical comfort when younger, much rejection by girls when a teenager. I can sooooo identify with you.
I'd suggest NOT telling her right now. It took ne the better part of this past year to begin to get the courage to say something. Only by my going with her to the "shrinK' and much talking did i finally manage to broach the subject of my CDing. That and a new drug (Lamactel) that she's now taking have assisted me in coming out to her. Still lots of worry on her part, but at least now I have a bit of mental freedom to say the things i've been wanting to say.
Many more years lie ahead for me to be fully able to dress when and where I want, but for now I've gotten the door opened.
Please be patient with her. I know that's easy to say and it gets really tiresome "walkimg on egg shells" everyday so as to not upset her. (been there done that)
I'm sure you love her deeply and will do anything for her, go very slowly in this.

[Debb]

Hello Dee

I have often wondered ... exactly how much does my marriage "drive" my crossdressing.

My wife and I have much the same relationship as you .. weight problems, general lack of affection, depression .. in fact, sometimes I feel as if I wouldn't know how or what to do if we ever have sex again. It's been four years.

Please note, I am not in any way trying to blame my wife for our problems; rather I feel that it's mostly me. I am realizing more and more that I have always been rather distant. When I was in the military, we had missions where I could not reveal a lot of what was going on; and now in civilian life, that mode of operation has just continued through force of habit.

As I come to realize the distance that I've promoted between us, I have been attempting to "fix" things, as we are wont to do. One of the things I thought might help was if I finally opened up and told her about the crossdressing.

So I did. Initially, this provided both of us with something to talk about; unfortunately, we are all creatures of habit, and I fell back into the habit of not saying much. I feel more and more that telling her, while not a "mistake", wasn't very productive.

The thing is, Dee, it is I who am almost entirely to blame for my situation. If you give it some thought, and believe that you can follow through with openness and communication, then I would recommend that you tell her. It is up to you to decide whether it is a risk to take; other factors, such as the possibility of divorce, must come into the equation.

Dee, I feel for you. Please know that you have a lot of friends out here who understand at least some of what you're going through.

Beth

[kittypw GG]

Dee,
You did not say wether or not your wife is seeking proffesional help with her problems. The weight is a result of those problems much like financial ruin is to pathological gamblers or liver problems are to alcoholics. If she is overweight to the extent of overheating then she is surely killing herself slowly and you need to get to the bottom of that before she does.

I don't want to sound heartless but she is manipulating you with her behavior. She has all of the control and power. If you want to survive then you need to take control of the situation. Would you stand by if she had a razor blade headed for her wrists? Or many pills to put in her mouth?

Once she has taken responsibility for her life, you need to take responsibility for yours. Right now the serious question is why is she killing herself with food and making you suffer right along with her?

She needs serious mental health help now before it is too late.
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: You will need the hugs as you go forward. She will want to hang on to her addiction because it is comfortable but you should not go down with a sinking ship. Take care Kitty

[MJ]

hi Dee
this may sound odd but are there other underlying causes to her problem. you see i was 298 pounds .. :eek: . until i dealt with my issues now i am down to 175. try and find a way to help her.. seek professional help with her problems..

q :- So, should I tell her I need more cuddling and she better do something about it or I will cross-dress more, or should I suffer in silence
thats a bad idea

just tell her how much you love her all the time .. and some woman have a real hard time understanding why we feel the need to dress. she may never come to terms with it.. i wish you well

hugs mj

[davorra]

Many women react so bad to our need to dress. There are some women who love what we do. But the only way to find out her reaction is to tell her. I have learned that it is best to share. It can be risky but so much better to know the answer.

[tekla west]

I've learned that its best to be up front and out from the get go. Saves lots of problems later.

[Sarah R]

I agree with Kitty, This my be easy for someone on the outside to say but... Her problems are much larger than you CDing. The two of you need to work on getting healthy, both body and mind. This is something both of you should work on together, don't put it all on her. We can allways better are selfs some how. You owe it to each other to try and be as healthy and live long as posible, to be there for each other.

[BREE GG]

your story hit home in some ways for me.

I feel for you and your wife, myself being a person who had a weight issue and depression at one time.

I went from being 310 lbs to 160 now, all with the help of Gastro Bypass.
This is the first step you need to take with your wife. Once she takes cares of the weight 90% of the depression will go away along with many health problems. Your wife has to be willing to help her self first befor you can hep her.

Same as for you, your CDing was happening longbefor your wife came along.
So to sit there and say you are gonna dress more because you dont get what you need from your wife is not the way to go.

Your wife married you for Better or for worse & you married her for the same.
Neither of you can change eachother but you can find ways to make it better.

Once she gets the help she needs then things will begin to change.
But you need to talk to her about how you feel.
When you married her you most likely vowed to never keep things from eachother.

But you cannot say hey if you dont give me this then im gonna dress out more. Thats your issue not hers, you need to remeber this was going on with you long befor you met her and you cant changer her for who she is nore can she change who you are.

All you can do is commit to making the marriage better, by getting the Help you both may need.

Haveing my gastro bypass surgugery was the best thing i have ever done for myself and my marriage. We our alot more cuddly these days and I understand and accept my spouses CDing.

Please ask your wife to get the help she needs and then make sure that she knows and understands how you feel about the CDing. Im betting she will understand just my :2c:

Bree GG

[Jammie Lyann]

As far as the medical problems, I cant even begin to guess, thats why there is doctors.

As with the touchy feely, My last marriage, went south partially do to this
I felt I had to be there for her an was constantly letting her know I was there an how I felt , she basicaly to me that I was smothering her,
I not saying this is the same thing, but maybe if you backed of just a little, see what happens, just test it , 2 things can happen
1. she will come to you wanting to know if everything is ok an you might find a roll reversal.
2. or she could demand as to why you stopped pay attention to her.

Anyhow where ever the solution may lay I hope the both of you find the help you need. :hugs: :hugs:

[Calliope]

So, should I tell her I need more cuddling and she better do something about it or I will crossdress more, or should I suffer in silence?

I'm no believer in suffering, silently or otherwise - but if you choose to crossdress to punish your wife for anything, you've bought yourself a heap of problems for the future.

On the bright side, you both have characteristics each of you don't like, so you might be able to work out a mellow sort of 'cold war.' Hmmm, that doesn't sound so bright, does it?

Well, in my humble (stupid) opinion, your wife needs a weight program if and when she's ready (gotta be her move) and should dress up whenever the hell ya want (but do it for you), whatever the situation.

[Ellaine]

Usually, I'm one of the "Publish and be damned" brigade.
But it is important that you put her first with this one. Honesty can give you such strength but your wife has troubles that she may not bounce back from if left unaddressed, and an additional "problem" may just give her something else to blame herself for.
Some way has to be found, to get her back on the road to health and weight loss, only when she is seeing improvement in herself can she be expected to have any appreciation of what you are going through, perhaps not even then.
Overweight to the point you describe is a very serious challenge. Meanwhile you would have to content yourself with secret dressing and "escape time". Proffessional help and maybe some tough love are required for her. Liposuction could be a stark but effective option. Whatever course you take, she will need your reassurance all the way. Your own solution could still be years away. But you cannot think of relieving your situation whilst adding to her burden, she is in trouble enough. Action is sorely overdue. Get her out and about whilst you still can. Get medical help.

It doesn't get much sadder than you describe and my heart goes out to you both. The time for tears is past, action is required. Ban all cooked food deliveries, eat healthily together. Get a regime sorted. Immerse yourself in getting her weight down.

OK I'm making assumptions, but you know if I'm near the mark!

Blunt end? Get a grip or get out!

[DeeInGeorgia]

I want to thank you all for your thoughts and caring.

My wife uses food for the same way I use CDing. There are numerous factors affecting her. For the most part she is OK with my CDing, letting me attend local Tri-Ess meetings and SCC. She just gets worried when my CDing escalates, and that is my problem right now. I would like to keep it in check since I have two pre-teens that we do not want to know about my CDing.

She has been seeing a psychologist for depression a couple of years before bringing up CDing, with the associated problem with the psychologist not understanding CDing. She left the psychologist. She has also been seeing a psychiatrist for medication for depression.

So, again, thank you all for the comments and suggestions.

Hugs,

Dee

[vbcdgrl]

I think your wife needs to loose weight and get through the depression. Since she was in the medical profession, she should know how to accomplish both. If you really love her, I think you should put your CDing on the "back burner" and help her get past her issues. Easier said than done, I know.

Vikki