GypsyKaren
11-28-2006, 05:00 PM
It was hard growing up as a kid in the 50s and 60s, this trannie business I mean. We didn’t have computers, no Internet, no Google to help us look for answers, and you couldn’t go down to the library and look up “feels like a girl.” We were one of the most hidden parts of society back then, and we were alone, so we stayed hidden and lived in shame and fear.
I knew I was a girl before I even knew what a girl was, that’s how long it’s been with me. My earliest childhood memory is of me playing dolls with my best friend Sally, I was 3 years old. I remember thinking that I was just like her, except she had pig tails tied with pink ribbons, and I wanted to have pig tails too. I hated it when we soon moved away, funny how I still think of her.
Growing up was all about trying to be a boy and later a man, but I always failed miserably, and I was sad because I knew I could never be the girl I knew I was. I also felt like I was the biggest freak of nature in the world, and that I was the only person on the planet to be that way…I was so alone, to bad, so sad.
I started dressing when I was 5, it was so innocent then. I was always getting into my mom’s lipstick, sure got yelled at a lot for that. I started dressing seriously and with a purpose when I was 11, in fact it saved my life. I somehow managed to putter along being trans, but other things piled up on me that I finally couldn’t handle anymore…a childhood rape, the constant beatings and abuse from my mother, and then being molested by the one adult I turned to when my mother died, to much for any kid really. Dressing brought me comfort, it made me feel right, and it was the only time I felt peace. Dressing was my sanctuary.
One morning when I was 14, I woke up and new my name was Karen, it picked me. I still felt like a freak, but at least I had a name. I made a tape recording of myself, “My name is Karen, and I am a girl”, and I listened to it over and over. It was my secret way of announcing myself to the world, and then I erased it to make sure no one else would ever hear it. My life revolved around my dressing and the safety it brought me, and I dreamed of living my life as a girl, which I knew could never be. My biggest wish was to be able to go to the coffee shop as the real me and have a cup of coffee, just sit there in a pretty dress and enjoy the day. It was all a pipe dream for me and I knew it could never be, and that made me cry.
A defining moment in my life came in the mail with the January 27, 1970 issue of Look magazine. Steve McQueen was on the cover, and inside was a big story about something I‘d never heard of, transsexuals, and I finally knew what I was. It told about sex change operations to set things right, and there were pictures of a man who became a lady, she looked so pretty, and I wished I could be her. I still felt like a freak, but at I least knew that I wasn’t alone anymore, even though I was. I lived my life, but I wasn’t alive, in fact I lived for many years with the firm decision made that I would kill myself if anyone found out about me, pretty desperate that.
So life went on and I stayed sad, even though I had wonderful kids over the years. I finally found happiness when I met my Kat, she taught me to accept love, something I always felt I didn’t deserve. Two years ago I just stopped in my tracks, I was tired from fighting the good fight, tired of living a secret life, I just couldn’t do it anymore. So I told her the truth, that I was really a woman named Karen. I knew she’d leave me, but instead she took hold of my hand and promised to never let go. She taught me to do my makeup, and she took me out into the world as Karen for the first time, there are no words to describe how that felt to me, the pipe dream came true, because I now live full time as the woman I knew I was.
I’m not saying it was all easy, because it wasn’t, but we never let it get in the way of our love for each other, and our wanting to grow together.
We look all of our lives for answers, instead we should pay more attention to the moments in time that surround us, before they slip away. We think it’s hopeless, when in fact everything is waiting for you around the next corner, you just gotta keep your eyes open so you don’t miss it. I found me a copy of that Look magazine on the internet yesterday, and when it comes I’m going to put on a pretty pink blouse, and my favorite skirt with butterflies on it, and go down to Starbucks and re-read it over that cup of coffee I dreamed about when I was a kid. I’ll think of that little boy, but instead of feeling his sorrow, I’ll embrace in her joy, and I’ll tell her “It’s all right now, you made it.” Funny how things change…
Karen
I knew I was a girl before I even knew what a girl was, that’s how long it’s been with me. My earliest childhood memory is of me playing dolls with my best friend Sally, I was 3 years old. I remember thinking that I was just like her, except she had pig tails tied with pink ribbons, and I wanted to have pig tails too. I hated it when we soon moved away, funny how I still think of her.
Growing up was all about trying to be a boy and later a man, but I always failed miserably, and I was sad because I knew I could never be the girl I knew I was. I also felt like I was the biggest freak of nature in the world, and that I was the only person on the planet to be that way…I was so alone, to bad, so sad.
I started dressing when I was 5, it was so innocent then. I was always getting into my mom’s lipstick, sure got yelled at a lot for that. I started dressing seriously and with a purpose when I was 11, in fact it saved my life. I somehow managed to putter along being trans, but other things piled up on me that I finally couldn’t handle anymore…a childhood rape, the constant beatings and abuse from my mother, and then being molested by the one adult I turned to when my mother died, to much for any kid really. Dressing brought me comfort, it made me feel right, and it was the only time I felt peace. Dressing was my sanctuary.
One morning when I was 14, I woke up and new my name was Karen, it picked me. I still felt like a freak, but at least I had a name. I made a tape recording of myself, “My name is Karen, and I am a girl”, and I listened to it over and over. It was my secret way of announcing myself to the world, and then I erased it to make sure no one else would ever hear it. My life revolved around my dressing and the safety it brought me, and I dreamed of living my life as a girl, which I knew could never be. My biggest wish was to be able to go to the coffee shop as the real me and have a cup of coffee, just sit there in a pretty dress and enjoy the day. It was all a pipe dream for me and I knew it could never be, and that made me cry.
A defining moment in my life came in the mail with the January 27, 1970 issue of Look magazine. Steve McQueen was on the cover, and inside was a big story about something I‘d never heard of, transsexuals, and I finally knew what I was. It told about sex change operations to set things right, and there were pictures of a man who became a lady, she looked so pretty, and I wished I could be her. I still felt like a freak, but at I least knew that I wasn’t alone anymore, even though I was. I lived my life, but I wasn’t alive, in fact I lived for many years with the firm decision made that I would kill myself if anyone found out about me, pretty desperate that.
So life went on and I stayed sad, even though I had wonderful kids over the years. I finally found happiness when I met my Kat, she taught me to accept love, something I always felt I didn’t deserve. Two years ago I just stopped in my tracks, I was tired from fighting the good fight, tired of living a secret life, I just couldn’t do it anymore. So I told her the truth, that I was really a woman named Karen. I knew she’d leave me, but instead she took hold of my hand and promised to never let go. She taught me to do my makeup, and she took me out into the world as Karen for the first time, there are no words to describe how that felt to me, the pipe dream came true, because I now live full time as the woman I knew I was.
I’m not saying it was all easy, because it wasn’t, but we never let it get in the way of our love for each other, and our wanting to grow together.
We look all of our lives for answers, instead we should pay more attention to the moments in time that surround us, before they slip away. We think it’s hopeless, when in fact everything is waiting for you around the next corner, you just gotta keep your eyes open so you don’t miss it. I found me a copy of that Look magazine on the internet yesterday, and when it comes I’m going to put on a pretty pink blouse, and my favorite skirt with butterflies on it, and go down to Starbucks and re-read it over that cup of coffee I dreamed about when I was a kid. I’ll think of that little boy, but instead of feeling his sorrow, I’ll embrace in her joy, and I’ll tell her “It’s all right now, you made it.” Funny how things change…
Karen