help....I think I need THAT talk...

[Sweet Jane]

I was reading a thread on one step forward on a wife getting "more feminine" male clothes for her husband....I started to reply then I thought that I really wanted to ask a question, particularly of the gg women, but I do wish to hear any wise counsel..

Years ago I told my wife about my love of wearing knickers and bras and the like, and I do remember that she said to me, would I like her to get me some silk boxers? I replied that french knickers would be nice. Needless to say I got neither. We had a bit of a discussion regarding my sexuality among other things, and as she was not too ethusiastic to say the least I never told her about the make up and dresses etc...After that one night she has never mentioned it again, but she never got angry or upset at me about it and has never thrown it in my face. I think at the time she was a bit frightened that I was planning on leaving her or something, because I remember having to reassure her that wasn't the case at all.

I know that recently she saw that I was wearing panties, because I went to retuck my shirt, lifted it up and the lace top of the panties showed above my jeans, and she was looking right there and had a little wry smile and said nothing and turned away.

So obviously I put on more than underwear (which is all she knows about), as my profile and contributions to the photo board attest to that. Now what I am wondering as I hear all this talk about deceit and lies, and dishonesty, is although my wife knows I do dabble in crossdressing, she doesn't know the extent and I really do wish to tell her.

So I suppose my question is on reading that epistle, having been aware of my dressing for 15 odd years, should I bring it up again to explain the full extent? Is this something that you would wish for if this was your husband? And how should I bring it up...I suspect a photo might freak you out?

Thanks

janexxx

[bgirl]

The day I told my wife was one of the longest days in my life. Time stoped. I talked, she listened. She was also concerned about my sexuality, but after my reassurences, she was relieved but didn't ask any questions! I wasn't trying to hide anymore but I wasn't sure she understood to what extent I was involved with cding. She was concerned about escalation and didn't want to encourage me in any way. (like I needed encouragement) But eventually we managed to comunicate enough to come to peace with this. It is an ongoing process.
My point, going thru that once was tuff, twice? WOW I react as if this was happening to me. I wish you all the luck in the world. By the way , I think she knows. One girls opinion. Beth

[Phyliss]

Jane, I don't know if my "counsel" is wise or not, but....a frank discussion with her is due. How you go about opening the subject is something you have to figure out.

If you're interested, I can send you "my diary" of how I did it. I've been keeping a note pad of what I've been doing so that I can refer to it myself in case I make a mistake or in the off chance that somebody else wants to find out how one person made the "opening of the closet happen".

[SatinSarah]

none of us can tell you exactly how to do it as we are all different. I have come to a compromise with my wife to dress in underwear with her and to wear a bit more when she doesn't have to see me. BUt I fel very comfortable now knowing I am dressed without her - but her knowing it happens. I am no longer denying a part of me and thinking of having to tell lies. None of this is easy. You have done the hardest bit and started to tell her. Just take it slowly and surely. Don't expect to sort it out all in one big talk. Take it a stage a atime, but surely she has to know the true extent. Good luck

[Kimmie W]

My wife wanted no part of it 15 or so years ago either. I had just shaved my legs for the first time and I broke down when I told her about my true feelings. She said, in a nutshell, "I don't want to know and I surely don't want to have any part of it."

We never discussed it until two years ago when she found my girlie bag. I told her again about my desire/need to feel like a girl, she asked the usual questions about my sexuality, but at least we talked about it.

Once she, and I, realized that my feminity wasn't a threat to 20 years of marriage it became part of our lives. For my birthday she bought me some lingerie that she was for us. In every sense of the phrase.

It is still something I keep hidden from the rest of the world, as best as I can anyway. (I'm not exactly macho.) That said, it is still nice to be able to come home from work and put on something totally fem and just watch TV with someone who understands.

Hope it works out for you and your wife. It sounds like you have a good thing going and truly want to do the right thing.

Hugs, Kimmie

[Holly]

Jane, what an interesting and timely question. My wife and I were talking about this just last night as we were driving home from a date in Los Angeles. We had met another MtF crossdresser from the forum for dinner and the three of us girls (we were all dressed femme) had a lovely dinner and a most enjoyable conversation. While we were reviewing the goings on during the journey home, I made the comment to her that I regretted not telling her completely about my crossdressing until fairly recent in our 38 year (next month) marriage. The way she responded surprised me. She said that she was glad I did wait. She went on to explain that if I had told her early on about it, it may have confused her as we would not have had the time invested in building our relationship. And we had encumbrances earlier in our lives that would have made it a lot more difficult for me to be as open as I am in my dressing now, not the least of which was two children living at home. She also mentioned that our financial resources were more limited and we would not have been able to spend the money we now spend on clothing, make up, makeovers, trips with corssdressing themes, etc, as comfortably as we can now. When she explained it in that light, it made sense to me. Now, was she just being kind to spare to spare my feeling? Well, she says no and I believe her. Also, one of the reasons I did not tell her the full extent of my dressing is, quite honestly, I myself did not come to a full realization of my dressing desires until recently myself. I mean I knew I was drawn to wearing women's clothing since my pre-teen years. But I didn't come to an understanding of who I am or what I am until just a few years ago... which finally brings me to my answer to your question; if you've reached an understanding of who you are and you are comfortable with what you have become, then yes, I think it's time for you to sit down and have a talk with your wife and share from your heart those things. I wish you the very best.

[Sandra]

Jane I would have a talk to her, take it slow and be honest with your answers.

Good luck with it :)

[AnnaMaria]

Jane,

Deciding when to have "The Talk" with your wife is something that only you can truly decide is the right time. It sounds to me like she is not completely abhorent of the idea since she saw your panties and did not completely freak out about it. It could be that as your marriage has matured she has become more aware of your true nature and has realized that your fem traits are what make you who you are, and make you the person she fell in love with.

I know personally that when I finally had a really deep conversation with my wife about my feelings and what was really going on with me and us she began to realize that Anna was the one that she had been attracted to in terms of our emotional connection. Which is something that was a shock to her at first. You see my wife is a very touchy feely type of person and so is Anna, but the male personallity traits that I have are just the opposite. So when she realized this she began to understand that in some way she had to learn to deal with the situation as it was and not just ignore it hoping that it would go away. We had to find some common ground on which to base our new understanding of what our relationship was going to be going forward.

The one thing that I can not stress enough is that you make it clear from the start is that this is not something that is going to make you want to leave her for a man. Because, that is, I am sure, going to be one of the first things that is going to come to her mind. I don't know why but it has been my experience that most wives seem to fear that the most when they find out that the "man" they married is a cd. And, make sure that you are ready to answer the hard questions about the situation as well, because they are going to come up. But, most importantly you have to be comfortable with yourself and who you are first before you can share that part of your life with her.

It was about 9 months after I told my wife about myself before she actually saw me fully dressed for the first time, and at the time there was not much choice in the situation. We were getting ready to go to Chicago's Be All convention in '05. It is one of the few times during the year when cd's from around the country can get together and share without the fear of being outed or discriminatted against just because of who we are. It is also the only time of the year when I get the chance to completely be myself without fear of being rejected, and dress as I am most comfortable. Someone suggested to her that she see a picture of me dressed prior to actually seeing me in person, and that did help her when the time came, but overall there is no way to guess how she will react to the total situation until the time actually arrives. But, I would not suggest presenting her with your fem side in person until after you have talked to her about it first. That way you will have a better idea of when and how to present Jane to her.

hope this helps

Anna

[kathy gg]

Jane I run a Yahoo group for women .....so my answers are coming from hat I have been told on many occasions....{not from personal experience}.

The reality is I have never heard a woman say either from net or real life that they are *thankful* and happy to have found out their hubby was a crossdresser. Now those who know from the start might, but those are not the ones we are talking about are we?

So no, it is safe to assume that 99% of the hetrosexual female population is not secretly wishing and hoping that their husband is a cd.

Now as for comign out.....I would ask to if you indeed decide to spill all the beans...have you thought of all the possible negative reactions. Other than this forum what resources or support do you have lined up? Will you make sure to pick a time and place where both of you can talk at length? Will you have info printed and ready to show if she asks for a different angle than your own? Also, sometimes writing your own story in your owns words and giving it to her, rather than blurting out something is another option. It will also give her something tanglible to look at if she is not ready that very moment to begin dialog.

I mean there have been so many posts about guys wanting to share this while their wife is 8 months pregnant {bad time}, guys sharing prior to leaving for weeks on a business trip {another not so great ideal}, guys sharing before a special annerversary or holiday or large family ocasion. I mean some people will say there never is a RIGHT time, but I can tell you that those things I jsut mentioned are WORST times for sure.

I think that the more a person is prepared for any big talk the better the possible outcome.

I mean that is a pretty big leap between female underwear and the full chicked out image in your avatar.

As for pictures and such, I would not even go there unless asked, and this is one of those ....are you absolutely sure you want to see this honey? I had one lady tell me on my forum that she put off seeing a pic of her hubby because she knew once she saw it, that image would be burned in her mind for all time. Took her over a year to see that picture. ALl the time she needed lots of talking and conversation and reassurance.

As I have stated a zillion times on this forum you have had *x* many years to get to the level and comfort and security about your dressing which you have now. Asking someone to fully be comfortable from day one is a huge favor. Even those who find out and appear to be cool from day one, often times put on that face they think they need to do so their husband wont' be hurt...of course this comes usualy at the expense of hurting themself.

Also....don't come out with a negative slant. "honey I have this deep dark secret to tell you that I am ashamed of". Already this sounds on level to an affair or murder! More like : "I have something very personal and meaningful about myself that I believe I am finally ready to share with you. It has taen me many years to fully understand this part of my personality , but I feel now I can open this up to the person who I trust the most in life." Keep it upbeat, keep it postive, keep your demenor on a high note.

In the end only you know if you wife is the kind of woman who can go with the flow and take this new information and choose to learn about the whole person you are. Do you think she has it in her being to be that woman?

Best of luck on what ever path you choose.

[Marcie Sexton]

My S/O knows as well, but...no offense gg's, she surprised me with a change in direction in regards to Marcie.

Having just helped me yesterday, she ask me if I was into the c/d stuff again...Needless to say I was floored, but one thing for sure, she knows, and depending on her mood or time of month accepts it ranging form very to total disdain...This is another reason, I'd love to be able to switch body/gender to get a first hand view of the feelings and moods that all ggs experience. God bless you all...I know for me with my little mood swings, it can't be easy. To all the GGs, thanks, no matter what I think you're the best. #1 in companionship :happy: #1 in tolerance :happy: and #1 in teaching us the ways of a woman...

To me the truth is always the best road to travel...and although the road may not be smooth, we both travel it hand in hand...

[Sarah-Anne]

I'm never entirely sure of whether my SO accepts my CDing. She knows, and has said that she can accept it, but I have to be careful of how far to take it. As we don't live together, it can sometimes be a shock for her if I turn up in some new underwear or bring a new nightie round. I have to introduce things slowly. She enjoys going out with me to buy underwear and will make love to me while I am wearing girly night attire, but I fear she is overwhelmed to see me completely en femme, indeed she has stated that "it's the shoes that do it for her", meaning she doesn't mind seeing me in a dress, but when I put on the shoes and I like look a woman from the waist down, she gets a little scared.

From all this, I have learnt that it is important that your SO is not confused. Set the record straight so that she knows exactly how far you want to take things and what you expect her to do. I told my SO that I would one day like her to do my make-up and she smiled at that idea. She doesn't want to feel that I get all my pleasure from clothes and not from her. If you plan to go out dressed, make sure she knows whether that means in a few years' time, when you go on holiday, or whatever. There is nothing worse in an SO's situation than being confused and unsure of what is going to happen in the future.

[Kerry Owens]

Well, from what you say, you're ready for the "talk" I'd add, introduce her to the forum and she can also join the GG forum, where she can be helped by the other GG's who as a group have always helped each new member.

[princessmichelle]

Dear Jane,

My fear is that if your wife discovers about your dresses etc by accident it will be far worse than if you initiate the discussion. I'm not saying that it will be pleasant for you to initiate the discussion. She might even be really angry.

I am saying that if you initiate the discussion, you have better chances than if she finds out by accident. You can choose the right time and plan your words more carefully. Maybe tell her that fear is why you kept it from her-fear of losing her, fear of hurting her.

I don't really know. But those are my fears and my feelings.

Good luck.

Princess Michelle

[Sweet Jane]

Hi

thanks very much everyone for your thoughtful replies.

I am really, really freaking out over this, and never always seems like the right time. I think I'll wait until we are alone without the children and go from there...fingers crossed!!!....

[janet p]

Jane,I don't know if this will help or not? With my first wife I let her know before we were married about my CD,she didn't react one way or another,so I kept it hiden some what until we went on a long trip and I asked if it would be OK to wear some plain white full cut panties instead of tiddy whites as when I sweated they rubbed me raw sitting for long periods,she OK'd this and it be came normal for me to wear panties,until one day she came home and found me asleep on the couch in one of my nighty,she came unglued saying she didn't know I wanted to go this far and what if she had brought a friend home with her and seen me. So i don't know which way is the best to go. Wish you luck.:love: