rickie121x
11-28-2006, 09:41 PM
Now, nearly an old man, I have experienced many different reactions to my crossdressing, on the surface some were good, some neutral, and others just terrible. In these 72 years, a lot has happened.
I say "on the surface" meaning that I could feel my reactions in the moment. I could hear, feel, and see "her" reaction and now know that I had very little knowledge of what was really happening with either of us.
I have felt that I could change, giving up the syndrome of crossdressing, which happened to be an incorrect notion. I have promised that I would change, which thereafter became a lie and a "deal breaker". Oh, the pain that has caused.
I have carefully orchestrated a presentation, as truthful as I could be. And it was unacceptable. A similar presentation, with another lady, was successful on the surface, and failed in the long run - the relationship slowly slid away.
I have confronted: "This is what I am, and we need to work together to save the wonderful parts of life we have developed together." One more time, the relationship drifted into the past.
These days, I have decided that I am who I am, a crossdresser - and in a way it is sad and difficult for it may mean that I not have another relationship in my lifetime. Nevertheless, I am upfront from the beginning yet diplomatic and gentle, telling it like it is. For this crossdresser, it becomes more complex as I also have a BDSM fetish - meaning that some erotic play or BDSM is essential for me to be functionally sexual. That further complicates my presentation.
I have read some members of this forum who indicate that they would be willing to abandon their fetish of cross-dressing in order to maintain their relationship. I understand their intent, truly. However many of us know that is a delusion, and even if it could be adhered to would eventually erode what love was in their hearts. Love can only exist as a pure emotion, and anything that sullies that purity begins the downhill slide. We may be filled with need, and interpret that as love, but in the long term it is an unacceptable substitute.
From this perspective I see that being a true member of a "relationship", ie. unconditionally being known and willing to know... is one of the most fulfilling elements of our existence. Not having that, life is not necessarily bad, but it is empty of an essential to the human nature. It is a gift that not all of us are willing and ready to receive, are not fortunate to have had the opportunity to receive, or have rejected for a complex and unsolvable set of reasons.
I will look forward to any and every opportunity to rejoin that wonderful elite of partnered adults, although I will do it in my chemise and heels - or not at all.
Rickie :heehee:
I say "on the surface" meaning that I could feel my reactions in the moment. I could hear, feel, and see "her" reaction and now know that I had very little knowledge of what was really happening with either of us.
I have felt that I could change, giving up the syndrome of crossdressing, which happened to be an incorrect notion. I have promised that I would change, which thereafter became a lie and a "deal breaker". Oh, the pain that has caused.
I have carefully orchestrated a presentation, as truthful as I could be. And it was unacceptable. A similar presentation, with another lady, was successful on the surface, and failed in the long run - the relationship slowly slid away.
I have confronted: "This is what I am, and we need to work together to save the wonderful parts of life we have developed together." One more time, the relationship drifted into the past.
These days, I have decided that I am who I am, a crossdresser - and in a way it is sad and difficult for it may mean that I not have another relationship in my lifetime. Nevertheless, I am upfront from the beginning yet diplomatic and gentle, telling it like it is. For this crossdresser, it becomes more complex as I also have a BDSM fetish - meaning that some erotic play or BDSM is essential for me to be functionally sexual. That further complicates my presentation.
I have read some members of this forum who indicate that they would be willing to abandon their fetish of cross-dressing in order to maintain their relationship. I understand their intent, truly. However many of us know that is a delusion, and even if it could be adhered to would eventually erode what love was in their hearts. Love can only exist as a pure emotion, and anything that sullies that purity begins the downhill slide. We may be filled with need, and interpret that as love, but in the long term it is an unacceptable substitute.
From this perspective I see that being a true member of a "relationship", ie. unconditionally being known and willing to know... is one of the most fulfilling elements of our existence. Not having that, life is not necessarily bad, but it is empty of an essential to the human nature. It is a gift that not all of us are willing and ready to receive, are not fortunate to have had the opportunity to receive, or have rejected for a complex and unsolvable set of reasons.
I will look forward to any and every opportunity to rejoin that wonderful elite of partnered adults, although I will do it in my chemise and heels - or not at all.
Rickie :heehee: