My accepting wife's fears

[Ellisia_Lynch]

My wife has come a long way in accepting my dressing recently, and is starting to encourage me to do it in front of her.

She seems to have got over the fear of me being gay / transsexual etc and has even confessed to being turned on when I dress. However, this is where the problems start, and I don't know how to answer her concerns.

She is perplexed about how she can be attracted to me when I am dressed and what it means about her own sexuality. She has never had a lesbian experience and has never wanted one, not because she is close minded (quite the opposite), nor for a lack of opportunity (far hotter women than me have hit on her!). She is just not attracted to women, but being attracted to me dressed makes her feel like a lesbian and it scares her.

She also worries about what it means that if she's attracted to me when I'm feminine, is it that she is attracted to that side of me when I'm masculine? Does it mean she's less of a woman? Does she only like feminine men (which I have to say I'm not, despite the shaved chest!) Is she only with me because she has self-esteem issues? - These are all her questions by the way....

I know many, if not all the GG's have been through this phase, and Kathy in Toronto has a lot of insight on this, so I am hoping someone can help me help my wife.

Thanks in advance....

Ellisia

[Calliope]

I'm in no place to give advice about loving wives ... but ... looking at your exquisite avatar photo, it seems pretty logical why your wife digs you enfemme - you look gorgeous. Young and pretty - the world is all yours.

[Jesse69]

Your lucky to have a wife. And you look pretty as a woman. I wouldn't mind woman to woman games, and I would tell my wife if I had one that I don't think shes lesbian - I mean - it's just role play between us.

[ggconfused]

I just read your posting and I am feeling the EXACT same way as your wife.

Please Please Please, anyone who can shed some advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Kieron Andrew]

and I would tell my wife if I had one that I don't think shes lesbian - I mean - it's just role play between us.
If i may...... this is for GGs lookin in

Thats EXACTLY what it is......roleplaying! because in reality you like the male behind the make up.........its your guys heart and soul that attracts you not the girl you see, most mtfs take on a softer role when dressed and its that which is appealling too, its a side you dont get to see so its exciting.....it doesnt make any GG a lesbian

[MsJanessa]

Oh I dunno---you look pretty feminine to Me

[Cyndie]

Hopefully there are some GG's who can give you some insight on this problem. I know my wife struggles with my CDing and most of the time choses to not be a part of it. My one thought or word of advice is don't try to push her through to a resolution, walk beside her, let her find her way and you support her, what ever the out come may be.

Cyndie

[Michelia]

My SO thought about this long and hard. Her approach was to ask herself if she was attracted to other women and if she longed for the sexual company of women. The answer in her case was a resounding NO. She loves her husband and the bottom line truth is I will always be a man, not a girl. I cannot change that. Some may want to change that but then they are more transexuals and are not really CD's. She loves the feminine side of me and loves to give me the chance to be myself. We can either be frustrated forever or adapt. In life we have to adapt if someone gains weight, get sick, loses a job, or wins the lottery. She chose to adapt. She chose to believe she won the lottery. Our sex life is much more varied now. But that does not make her a lesbian. She loves a man that can be very very girly sometimes. And she is not interested in women. The problem is we are taught to be men or women. Or straight or gay or bisexual or lesbian. I am not any of these. I am a CD. My GG is not any of these either. She is a CD lover. Not a woman lover.

I hope this helps. I have admired you much through your postings.

Michelia

[Sandra]

Thats EXACTLY what it is......roleplaying! because in reality you like the male behind the make up.........its your guys heart and soul that attracts you not the girl you see, most mtfs take on a softer role when dressed and its that which is appealling too, its a side you dont get to see so its exciting.....it doesnt make any GG a lesbian

Yep agree with you on this Kieron,
I think we all go through this, I know I did but after a while I came to realise that she is still a man underneath all the clothes and makeup.

Just because she likes you dressed and gets turned on by it doesn't make her a lesbian.

She may benefit from joining the forum and the GG forum just an idea.

[Kieron Andrew]

Yep agree with you on this Kieron,
I think we all go through this, I know I did but after a while I came to realise that she is still a man underneath all the clothes and makeup.

Just because she likes you dressed and gets turned on by it doesn't make her a lesbian.

She may benefit from joining the forum and the GG forum just an idea.
its the same for me but in reverse, im with a pre-op TS mtf but it doesnt mean i like men!, its the girl i love

[Ellisia_Lynch]

I do think she kind of gets the role-playing idea, but she still doubts herself. Do you think that she will ultimately dismiss her fears and enjoy the role play side of it, is that how it works?

That brings up another issue - can she still see the feminine me when I am a guy once she has seen me as a girl and what problems will that create?

Thank you Ms Janessa & Day Tripper for you complements. - It's intresting, if slightly off topic, that I underplay the feminine side of me when I am dressed with my wife, which I think is helping. I think If I hit her with the full on glam look, she wouldn't be nearly as comfortable - she actually mentioned a few weeks ago that she doesn't mind me dressing because she can still see the man beneath it all. (She also refuses to see me with a wig, but that's is a whole other story & isn't necessarily a crossdressing thing.)

[Sophia Rearen]

My wife has come a long way in accepting my dressing recently, and is starting to encourage me to do it in front of her.

She seems to have got over the fear of me being gay / transsexual etc and has even confessed to being turned on when I dress. However, this is where the problems start, and I don't know how to answer her concerns.

She is perplexed about how she can be attracted to me when I am dressed and what it means about her own sexuality. She has never had a lesbian experience and has never wanted one, not because she is close minded (quite the opposite), nor for a lack of opportunity (far hotter women than me have hit on her!). She is just not attracted to women, but being attracted to me dressed makes her feel like a lesbian and it scares her.

She also worries about what it means that if she's attracted to me when I'm feminine, is it that she is attracted to that side of me when I'm masculine? Does it mean she's less of a woman? Does she only like feminine men (which I have to say I'm not, despite the shaved chest!) Is she only with me because she has self-esteem issues? - These are all her questions by the way....

I know many, if not all the GG's have been through this phase, and Kathy in Toronto has a lot of insight on this, so I am hoping someone can help me help my wife.

Thanks in advance....

Ellisia

Ellisia, nice to see you again. That was quite alot of questions. Maybe, she just likes the sweetened package? She may have been attracted to your sensitive and other feminine traits and not really recognized that? Now, seeing you dressed, perhaps those traits have been brought to her attention, and she digs that? Also, just as you probably discovered for yourself when you first dressed, that it's a turn on. The fact that it is taboo, to most, will heighten the experience. Chances are if she has never had an experience with a woman and had the opportunities to, her feelings won't change. It's you she wants, no matter how the package is wrapped. Maybe, she is so turned on by you sharing your deepest desires, she could care less how you are dressed? Seems to me that the two of you have an incredible opportunity to explore your relationship to the nth degree. Don't screw it up by over thinking it, just enjoy the ride.

[MsJanessa]

On topic and on the serious side, as long as your wife is turned on by YOU dressed what difference does it make---people seem to have real problem with labels---am I gay or am I a lesbian? Its the object of her affection--you-- that matters and if she is turned on by you dressed en femme, then that should be enough---she and maybe you are really trying to overanalyze this whole thing be trying to apply a societal label to it. Assuming you are not going to have sex in public then it's really no body's business but yours.

[Sheila]

:iagree:
,
I think we all go through this, I know I did but after a while I came to realise that she is still a man underneath all the clothes and makeup.

Just because she likes you dressed and gets turned on by it doesn't make her a lesbian.

She may benefit from joining the forum and the GG forum just an idea.

:iagree: hopefully she will join us on the forum and in the GG section eventually


Jess

[Ellisia_Lynch]

Sophia, thank you, you're right on the money....

However, your last sentence and the post above by MsJanessa are key - my wife is a compulsive worrier and is prone to overanalysis. She really doesn't care what society thinks, but the problem will still plague her!! I know I'm destined for a life of trying to reassure her...

[Dixie Darling]

I think I would entertain the idea that even when she sees you dressed and is attracted to you, it's because she still realizes that it's YOU underneath all the clothes and makeup. Since she's not attracted to other women, it's YOU she sees even under full feminine garb.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[rosiegurl]

if your wife isn't a lesbian, then no amount of dressing from you is gonna make her one.

GG's have always been attracted to well dressed Men, and now she is finding herself attracted to a well dressed Man, the fact he is wearing feamle clothing is irrelevant.

she really has nothing to worry about on any of those scores, you both seem reasonably sure of your own sexualities, you both know you don't actually want to BE a woman at any time in the future and still hold onto your own, for want of a better word, maleness

a good anology would be if she put on your best suit, would you find yourself attracted to a beautiful woman in a mans suit, or to a man?

[Emily Ann Brown]

It's just my opinion, but I would tell her to only be worried IF she wasn't attracted to you in guy mode. I agree with Dixie that she still sees the male in spite of the clothes and makeup.

Emily Ann

[kathy gg]

Hi...since I was called out :D I will try to give some of my thoughts on how I got from "a" to "b".....

first off, I would be more than happy to coorespond with your wife via pm, if she is at all ready to talk to another woman about this. I am not sure I was even ready for that back at the start. For myself, finally learning I was not alone in my attractions and my feelings was a HUGE relief and a big first step in my own self acceptance.

Secondly unlike your wife, for me, these desire came first...actually having a relationship with a cd was secondary. I also felt when I first was ready to say the words "I like crossdressers" I did not want to turn my boy/girlfriend into my therapist. I never wanted to place another person in that position. I had to reconcile these feelings to myself before I could even entertain the idea of not being a mess around a cd.

I think for me the first step was making sure I was indeed not a lesbian. I did make a few female friends who were bi-sexual and lesbian, and they knew what my situatoin was, but no matter how much alcohol and how open an environment, in the end I could not *be* with a woman. I could sit and say "yeah, that is a pretty female"....but want to touch real breasts? or more? ...welll...let's jsut say the words "yuck" come to my mind. I could not be something I was not.

So once knowing I indeed was not into real females, I then had to just realize that being with a guy dressed like a girl was okay. And I can understand why cd's beat themself up sometimes, because you spend half your life being angry at yourself for being so different....learning to embrace what you do like...well that is harder than one imagines. But I made a point in my life to surround myself with people like me or at least open minded, and make friends with women like myself. And I think even though I THOUGHT I was fully okay with everything when I married Amanda, I still needed that assurance from other women {like me} to start to feel really good about myself. I never had issues with *crossdressing* just my attraction to it.

Now, that was over 7 years ago. Everything before that was frought with alot of self resentment for not being like other hetrosexual women. And even a few years back I used to get my fur up when anyone would question my sexual orientation, and I used to get angry ....it seemed clear to me...I was a gentic girl with a mtf crossdresser....anyway, I sliced it up, it seemed straight. I have girl parts and he has boy parts...do the math! :rolleyes: But I also realized me hanging onto the same version of heterosexual which my Mom has ...well my version looks a bit skewed!:tongueout So.....I currently dont' care how *other* people view me and my marriage and anymore. If someone needs to label me a *lesbian* or a *closet case* or *queer* I dont' take offense anymore.

But do you see my time line .....attracted to this at age 9.......hating myself till age 25 or so......finally at peace...totally.....I jsut turned 35.

This level of peace and happiness and contentment did not come to me over night. I think some women have an easier time not reading other things into this than others do.

It is funny, because I don't ever hear about *male admirers* going through this much agony. Seems us gg's have to find a way to make things more complicated!

She has to find her way down this one....I hate to say this, but there is little you can do {as the crossdresser/husband} in this situation. But having some friends knowing that confusion first hand does help.....

[Lacey's other half]

I just read your posting and I am feeling the EXACT same way as your wife.

Please Please Please, anyone who can shed some advice would be greatly appreciated.

Me too!! Except that I've been too chicken to voice most of your wife's questions. My SO would be totally willing to answer them, to the best of his ability, if I could only ask.

LOH

[Ellisia_Lynch]

Ah, there you are Kathy!! Sorry to 'call you out'!! I just remember from some of you other posts that you talked quite in depth about the process.

From what you're saying, I guess there is very little I can do to make the lightbulb go off in her head - I just hope it takes longer than 25 years though!

Is there something I should NOT be doing then? I guess referring to my crossdressing and attraction to women as a kind of lesbianism is probably not a good idea then.....

Is it just a case of it dawning on you one day that it's OK or is it a gradual thing? She'd been struggling with my dressing since I told her (3 weeks after getting together :bow: ), but then one day recently she read an article that just clicked it into place for her. I'd provided her with a whole heap of information over the years & it really only aggravated the situation. Then out of the blue she said it's OK I get it now, after reading something on the web.

I do think taking to you (thank you also Di for offering too) would be beneficial, but I know she's reluctant...I'll ask anyway.

Thanks for your valuable insight everybody - it looks like there are a number of other GGs out there with the same issues, so hopefully we'll all benefit from this discussion.

Ellisia

[KimberlyS]

Ellisia, I think you may have partly answered your own question if you look back at some of what you said and pull out parts and put them together.:



...She also worries about what it means that if she's attracted to me when I'm feminine, is it that she is attracted to that side of me when I'm masculine?

Many GG's are attracted to CDers because we often have a softer male side or what some would call more feminine. She may be attracted to some of these qualities in you.



.... can she still see the feminine me when I am a guy once she has seen me as a girl ...
.... she actually mentioned a few weeks ago that she doesn't mind me dressing because she can still see the man beneath it all.

She may be slowly putting your everyday male mode feminine attributes together with their feminine view. And the fact that she does not want to see you in a wig yet may because she wants to clarify the image she has because she can look around the clothes and see it is you without the wig. A wig and makeup can change ones looks greatly.

On night during the process of my wife and I working through our CDing issues, my says that she married me for many of the feminine attributes I had. She just did not like my feminine attributes to take on a feminine look. So she likes both my male and female attributes, but she wants me to look like a man. And if you look back to childhood stories, every gal is looking for her prince charming. Even if he looks like Shrek.

KimberlyS-CD

[SatinSarah]

A really interesting post and some wonderful insights. I guess this is what this forum is really good for.

My SO is accepting up to a point but doesn't like to see me in total femme mode. I think she still wants to see more of the male she married. If I am too feminine I don't think she feels like a lesbian (even if I do!) but she does feel uncomfortable. I sort of don't blame her. If she suddenly started wearing my suits and putting on a false beard I would struggle a little. I would stil love her and try to be as understanding as she has been but I would struggle in bed to be turned on. If I was though I certainly would becaue it was her and not because suddenly I was attracted to men. So its pretty complicated.

You do look gorgous though Ellisa. You look very feminine - a real woman. Just kep with it and keep talking it through. You have a wonderful wife and you need to help her through her insecurities with reassurance that she IS NOT a lesbian!

[Ellisia_Lynch]

She may be slowly putting your everyday male mode feminine attributes together with their feminine view. And the fact that she does not want to see you in a wig yet may because she wants to clarify the image she has because she can look around the clothes and see it is you without the wig. A wig and makeup can change ones looks greatly.


Good point. I reminded her that it was exactly these traits that she fell for - I think she got it but I did get the impression that maybe she was concerned about falling for feminine traits!!

Your comment about the change in looks really helps - she said she wants to witness the process and not suddenly come hope to find me all dressed up. Now it makes sense, thank you.

[Julie York]

I just read your posting and I am feeling the EXACT same way as your wife.

Please Please Please, anyone who can shed some advice would be greatly appreciated.

It's not about being attracted to a female image...The attraction to a man in a fem guise is not about being attracted to a woman as such. It has often been mentioned by GGs that they still see their man under the make-up no matter how he sees himself.

It is about being attracted to a male image that is "disarmed" and very vulnerable. It gives you power and a sense of control and nurturing.




That'll be £50. Thank you.

:D

[Ellisia_Lynch]

A really interesting post and some wonderful insights. I guess this is what this forum is really good for.

My SO is accepting up to a point but doesn't like to see me in total femme mode. I think she still wants to see more of the male she married. If I am too feminine I don't think she feels like a lesbian (even if I do!) but she does feel uncomfortable. I sort of don't blame her. If she suddenly started wearing my suits and putting on a false beard I would struggle a little. I would stil love her and try to be as understanding as she has been but I would struggle in bed to be turned on. If I was though I certainly would becaue it was her and not because suddenly I was attracted to men. So its pretty complicated.

You do look gorgous though Ellisa. You look very feminine - a real woman. Just kep with it and keep talking it through. You have a wonderful wife and you need to help her through her insecurities with reassurance that she IS NOT a lesbian!


Thank you Sarah. It's nice to feel like I am actually getting somewhere with her on this subject after 7 years of feeling frustrated.

[Ellisia_Lynch]

It is about being attracted to a male image that is "disarmed" and very vulnerable. It gives you power and a sense of control and nurturing.

:D


Thank you Julie, I may mention that to her. The cheque's in the post!!

[DonnaT]

Over-analysis is a good word for it :)

Try to explain to her that it is not a sexual orientation issue, and since she's apparently had no lesbian tendencies, and is asking questions, it shows that it is not sexual orientation issue.

Instead, it's experimentation and finding turn ons she never knew she had. Turn ons, like being aroused by sex toys, porn (movies, pictures, erotica stories), clothes, fantasies, domination, strong men, effeminate men, etc.

These are all normal and sometimes healthy means of sexual arousal. Millions of people have different turn ons, and if they aren't hurting anyone, then there's no harm in them.

So, if she finds you sexual stimulating dressed up in a nightie, no big deal. It doesn't mean she's a lesbian at all, it just means she's turned on.

And knowing what turns you on should enable a couple to have fun with it, not fear it.

[melissacd]

My wife has come a long way in accepting my dressing recently, and is starting to encourage me to do it in front of her.

She seems to have got over the fear of me being gay / transsexual etc and has even confessed to being turned on when I dress. However, this is where the problems start, and I don't know how to answer her concerns.

She is perplexed about how she can be attracted to me when I am dressed and what it means about her own sexuality. She has never had a lesbian experience and has never wanted one, not because she is close minded (quite the opposite), nor for a lack of opportunity (far hotter women than me have hit on her!). She is just not attracted to women, but being attracted to me dressed makes her feel like a lesbian and it scares her.

She also worries about what it means that if she's attracted to me when I'm feminine, is it that she is attracted to that side of me when I'm masculine? Does it mean she's less of a woman? Does she only like feminine men (which I have to say I'm not, despite the shaved chest!) Is she only with me because she has self-esteem issues? - These are all her questions by the way....

I know many, if not all the GG's have been through this phase, and Kathy in Toronto has a lot of insight on this, so I am hoping someone can help me help my wife.

Thanks in advance....

Ellisia

Go with the flow. Enjoy being together in either mode. Be happy that she likes all of you, so many of us are not in that situation. She should not question her sexuality, rather she should embrace it. This is a good thing.

[Mistress_Thorny]

I have had some of these thoughts as well at the begining of the relationship with my rosie. for me I have found my attraction is not as much to the physical aspect of his dressing but to the power he submits when he is dressed. This is very attractive to me.

Also there is alot of pride in how he looks when dressed for we work on his clothes and make-up together. So for him to look good to come closer to "passing" is a great accomplishment for the two of us. This is a turn on.

I also had to do some soul searching with other women to see if I was attracted in any way to them but nope... it is all that I found I like and am attracted to.

But it is an inner journey has to be one that each person trods on their own.

Hopes this helps

MT

[Kerry Owens]

Best thing I can say is get her signed up and joining the GG forum, there she can discuss with other GG's who have walked and are walking the same road of learning and adjustment.
Once you know you're not alone, everything is so simpler.

[Rachel Morley]

My wife Marla GG and Kathy GG are friends, and they also share the fact that they looked to date a cder before they married one. Here's my wife's thread from earlier this year that was started in the GG forum but got moved to the main MTF. It's called "Accepting GGs: What makes us different?" in it all the GGs say what it is like for them. Hope this helps.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=21159

[Scotty]

I've known a LOT of open minded women that looked at nude photographs (art or playboy, classy anyway) - anyway they were not bi or lesbian but they appreciated the art of the woman body, maybe in comparison to their own (This is the key).

My ex G/F told me one time, the LAST time I dressed for her that I looked better than she did and that men would be all over me if she took me out.
Now whether that is true or not is irrelevant, she believed it.
Her own insecurity of how she looked made an issue out of me dressing up.

To add to this, an old G/F years ago put me in her teddy after making a comment that *I* would look better in it than she did. I did this and she was crazy that night - best night we ever had!! She embraced it and enjoyed it.

So I think, if I had to guess, that your wife may have that fear of you turning bi, whatever, or maybe really does question her own sexuality - IT'S HEALTHY TO DO THAT!!!

I've never been with a man, yet I look at body builders with awe, or at swimmers or football players.

I think it's perfectly healthy what your wife is going through.

Just my pop-sci opinion :D

Oh yeah and You look phenomenal also!!!!

[Deanna2]

My wife tolerates me wearing skirts but I get the impression she'd rather I didn't. However, there are times when I'm wearing all femme gear that she'll come over and indulge in a very passionate embrace for several minutes. I'll occasionally wear a nightie to bed and I still get my fair shares of cuddles.