help wanted

[mylitta]

I have just found out (by a photo e-mailed to me)that my man is into cross dressing. The same photo,by the way was also e-mailed to his work colleagues. Some nice people around, aren't there?

So now he is shattered and can't even face me, as he is too embarrassed, is going through hell at work, I am still in a bit of a state of shock, and don't know what to do. Don't know if I can handle it, really want to support him so basically HELP!! All comments/advice gratefully received.

[Jesse69]

I had a job where they eventually fired me because they found out I was a crossdresser, so the work issue is not good...

[rachel_in_mi]

Wow,

what a shock. I really feel for you both as I know what that would do to me personally. Having never gone through that personally I cannot tell you from experience just from my heart. I would suggest that you take a deep breath and try and relax for a few. Give it some good thought before you react. Your SO is going through a lot right now between yourself and work and any additional stress might send them over the edge. I would try and remain calm and then try and speak with them about it. I know that it is not something that you can take lightly or even know if you can accept but yelling, screaming or any HUGE negative reaction will not help the situation right now either. Try to remember that their crossdressing may be a part of the person you care for and those qualities are wrapped up into the entire package. There are a ton of GREAT people here, both C/D and GG that will definitely give you some great advice. Good Luck and please feel free to say anything you wish here.

:hugs:

rach

[scarlett]

Emailed, huh? So it 's not toohard to find out where from. Tauk to a lawyer, one who is sympathetic to causes such as ours, check your local GLBT organization, . How did they get the pic? Member of a CD site? How long? Their profile? Previous posts?
Put the shoe on the other foot. You can't put this genie back in the bottle but you can make them regret it.The more it becomes public, the harder it will be to say he was fired for some other eason. Of course if you work for some small biz in an employment at will state it won't help. But as I said this genie is out of the bottle and kill the clown that popped the cork. What field does he work in?

[Nikki Dee]

Hi. Love...you gotta talk to him love...and he has to talk to you.!!..His secret world has just fell in on BOTH of you...but you have to start communicating. I can imagine his embarassment and his discomfort. He is gonna need SO much support from you if you can give it...and you need to tell him how you really feel too...Can't comment on the work situation..I can well understand how he must feel but at least in the UK, with our equality and diversity regulations (which include Transgender/Transexual), it wouldn't result in a dismissal.
Hope all works out for you both...Good luck.
Love Nikki. x

[rickie121x]

So now he is shattered and can't even face me, as he is too embarrassed, is going through hell at work, I am still in a bit of a state of shock, and don't know what to do. Don't know if I can handle it, really want to support him so basically HELP!! All comments/advice gratefully received. It sounds to me as if you do love him.... And that will strongly help to carry you through all of this difficulty. I know it sounds simple and maybe too simple, but for now - just hold his hand, sit by him, plenty of warm hugs, stand closely. :kissing: It is the unqualified warmth and closeness that only a female can provide that will buoy his strength in this difficult time.

...with care and understanding, Rickie :gh:

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

iam really sorry that you found out this way. its totaly unfair on both of you. and pretty damn well disgusting that it was emailed like this. first of all hun, take a deep breath, and stop and "try" to make some sense of whats happened. like others have said, u MUST talk to him. everyone on the forums will tell you communiction is a MUST :straightface:
if you dont talk to him hun and find out about the c/d from HIM then you will be thinking loads of stuff, and the only person that can give the "real" answers is him.
as to his work, he has rights. this is like a form of bullying. invading a persons privacy. so, he needs to get legal advice. :rolleyes:
i hope u get everything sorted hun. we are here for you.:love:

[rachel_in_mi]

Emailed, huh? So it 's not toohard to find out where from. Tauk to a lawyer, one who is sympathetic to causes such as ours, check your local GLBT organization, . How did they get the pic? Member of a CD site? How long? Their profile? Previous posts?
Put the shoe on the other foot. You can't put this genie back in the bottle but you can make them regret it.The more it becomes public, the harder it will be to say he was fired for some other eason. Of course if you work for some small biz in an employment at will state it won't help. But as I said this genie is out of the bottle and kill the clown that popped the cork. What field does he work in?

I like this method as well......turnabout is fair play :devil:

[mylitta]

Thanks to all- the mischief maker actually has lost his job and faces prosecution as ours was not the only secret let out- he actually breached the official secrets act as well! So he at least will get just deserts.

I have a million questions to ask, and my man is not really in a state to answer at the moment- so much for him to handle. And no, I haven't done any screaming and yelling-just wish I'd found out a different way

[Sandra]

Ok both of you have had a massive shock, he really needs to take advise about what is going on at work and try to find out who the e-mail came from, you have got to try and get him to talk to you, you are both going to have a bit of a bumpy ride but with a lot of talking, loving and understanding it can be alright. May I suggest you join the GG froum when you have the required posts just follow the link in my signature.

[scarlett]

This has been at least as traumatic for him as for you. Sounds like his workplace doesn't put up with this shit . If so he may be facing an uphill battle with fellow emplyeesbut if the company is behind him he may find it easier to be out. Now you have to deal with it. You seem to be rock solid for him so look at this as if you suddenly realized he had 6 toes or fingers. What did you really fall in love with?

[Bonnie D]

Not a good way to find out for sure but now that it is out I would forget about that and go on from here. Coming here is a really good start. Find out all you can from the posts here and ask as many questions as you need to. There are quite a few Genetic Girls (GGs) here who can help you by relating their experiences and plenty of good advice. Is your Significant Other (SO) a member here? Crossdressing is not somethig that can be rid of or easily rid (if possible) so the 'cding or me' approach is not a good one. It doesn't seem to me though that you are that type of person by the fact that you are here in the first place. Communication with him will play a big part. I hope he will completely open up to you.

Bonnie

[Blonde]

Best advice I can give right now...

Until he is ready to talk to you about it, try not to act differently towords him. Still be the loving wife he married.
Read the post in these forums (to better understand what a CD truly is, even though most of us don't really understand why we do it).
Let him know of this place (if he doesn't already), it can help him understand himself as well.

You will find from reading here that CDing crosses many boundries (maybe not the best choice of a word), and can be in all walks of life.

He is still the man you fell in love with and married, now you have an oppertunity to understand him more fully. Give him time to get over his hurt, and be ready to talk to him about it when HE is ready.

I understand it can be a shock for you, but I can't stress it enough, HE IS the same man you fell in love with, and some of the traits you fell in love with comes from this side of him.

Don't be afraid to ask questions here (and when he is ready to talk to you about it, ask him too). We can tell you about our life struggles with this, and help you come to a better understanding.

I for one commend you for finding this site, so you can try to better understand, I have read where some other CDs are not so lucky as your man, they had SOs who didn't (and don't) want to even try to understand.

[kerrianna]

:iagree: with all the above. I hope it all works out for both of you. There's support here for both of you. :hugs:

[linnea]

I've read the other posts and think that there's a lot of good advice in them. All that I can add is my best wishes for you both. My SO doesn't know I crossdress, so this has great meaning to me about whether or not I should tell her. I wouldn't want her to find out the way you did, and of course, I would hope that she would be understanding, not leave me, and that she would talk with me about it so that I could explain and help her to understand. It's a lot to ask. I hope that the two of you are able to do it.

[paulaN]

huggs lots and lots of huggs. that is what he needs right now. talking will come later. I hope.

[Emily Ann Brown]

If I were in that position I would want a lot of love and patience from you. And I think I would want to tell you all at my pace. Tell him you support him because he is your husband and you still love him. Tell him you are ready to listen when he is ready to talk. Most of all be genuine. And read anything you can get your hands on about crossdressing while you are waiting for him to open up. The more you know the more you will realize this isn't the end of the world or the marriage if you don't want it to be.

Emily Ann

[Karren H]

I agree with Sister Emily.......she should have been a nun!! :D

Love. Karren

[Dixie Darling]

mylitta,

There's not a whole lot you can do about his work situation, but there is a LOT you can do in your personal relationship with him and your presence on this forum is a really good indicator that you've already made a good start.

Rather than go into hundreds of details and explanations about crossdressing, the very basic thing you should understand is that it's NOT something that he simply decided he wanted to 'get into'. He's like most of the rest of us who, for some yet to be discovered reason, were BORN the way we are, so in essence his being a crossdresser is pretty much involuntary on his part. Oddly enough even HE won't be able to tell you why he has this NEED (and it is most certainly a NEED) to dress enfemme simply because he doesn't know either.

Now, as to the millions of questions you have, I offer you the information on my personal web site. It's a simple site that's CLEAN so you need not worry about seeing anything in text or pictures that would be offensive to you - just a whole lot of down-to-earth information, much of which is specifically for the wifes and girlfriends of crossdressers. There is also a lot of information there for him as well so he might benefit from having a look at the material also.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Lissa Stevens]

I haven't read the other responses as I don't want to prejudice my response. I can understand him being humiliated. We spend most of our lives feeling like we are weird, bad or just plain evil. Then something like this happens. He is afraid you will leave him, even though he has hidden this aspect of his life he still loves you very much. He is afraid of losing his job, being ostrisized in the community and being ridiculed publicly. A lot of us fear bthe very thing that is happening to the two of you, I know I do. I know you are probably hurting too but he needs your support. you both need to seek counseling whether jointly or separately. That is your decision. This will be a tough time for the both of you. Try and remember why you married each other before taking any rash actions. I hope and pray that things work out for you two.

[MsJanessa]

Thanks to all- the mischief maker actually has lost his job and faces prosecution as ours was not the only secret let out- he actually breached the official secrets act as well! So he at least will get just deserts.

I have a million questions to ask, and my man is not really in a state to answer at the moment- so much for him to handle. And no, I haven't done any screaming and yelling-just wish I'd found out a different way

Official Secrets act---thats english right?----don't worry, particularly about the job part---it's my understanding that people in the UK are much more tolerant about cding than on this side of the pond---tell him you love him, are there for him, then take him shopping.

[DonnaT]

Dixie has an excellent web site which has a lot of answers for questions you may have.

Now, you've not mentioned where you are located. There are a number of locations that prohibit discrimination based on gender identity in the US and abroad. Especially in the UK. Workplace harassment in the UK because of gender is also prohibited.

And there are a lot of companies in the US that prohibit such discrimination.

I imagine that if the management at his place of work had any problems with his crossdressing, he'd know by now. So don't jump to any conclusions about work or getting fired. If they fired the a**hole that emailed everyone those photos, then it's a good possibility that your husband won't be fired.

Besides, it's not illegal to crossdress, and many employers are smart enough not to try and fire someone for being a CD.

Sure, his being outed to friends and family was devastating, but he'll live through it. All he needs to do is decide that since this is not something he chose, but was born this way, then he won't be embarrassed by it or by who knows.

As for keeping it from you, that's a whole different kettle of fish. Most CDs hide it from their spouse. Out of fear they'll loose them, or because they can't accept this part of their character and are ashamed of themselves, etc. etc. These are all understandable to us, but not necessarily so understandable to the spouse.

Hopefully you can come to see that this is a part of who he is, as a whole.

Heck, it might have been that little something, even though hidden, that made him different from other guys you've known and attracted you to him in the first place.

Your reaching out here shows you really care, and hopefully you can come to understand this NEED he has.

[wannabie]

Wow.
Only one thing he can do. Hold his head up high and TAKE IT.

everyone has secrets, just your B/F's been exposed by someone. So everyone knows.

Just be there for him. Don't bring it up unless he wants to. and remember he's going to have a hard time adjusting to people's attitudes so Just be and let him know that your in his corner.

[Kate Simmons]

This is a tough thing for a man to handle. I went through something similar when I was kicked out of my Church for being a crossdresser. His propriety as a man is suffering and his self esteem is shot. Give him some time and space, men need that. They are not capable of talking about their feelings too well, especially about something as traumatic as this. When he is ready, he will talk to you about it. In the meantime, just love and support him. Hopefully, he is not moping too much, he needs to keep busy doing something. Maybe when he is calmer, you could suggest doing something together. That way he will be assured you are there for him. Little things mean a lot.:happy: Kay Richards

[rosiegurl]

advice, simple

be there for him, let him know it's not as horrendous as he thinks it is

even if you feel like you can't be attracted to him now, for whatever reason, let him know it's not cause of his CDing, even if it is. it can be very traumatic to be forcefully outed like this, and he will need all the friends and support he can get.

you say you have a lot of questions, and I'm sure there are quite a few he has himself, bring him here, let him introduce himself etc and ask his questions, this is by far the best forum I have found online in regards to this subject as it covers all the different types of CD's through TS's from both GM to GG. all the rest I have found tend to concentrate on just one area

[Tina Dixon]

This hard times for sure, you need to help him as best as possible.

[FOCD]

You should get away with your husband for a weekend and get to know and enjoy "her". It will do you both good and all the other problems will resolve themselves as they may.

[uknowhoo]

Oh Mylitta, my heart aches for the two of you. I am so very sorry to hear of this tragic, cruel surprise. You've received alot of good advice here, and you were probably overwhelmed before you got here. :o Just try to love and support him the best you can, not forgetting to get some support yourself. This, too, shall pass. You will get through this, hopefully together. :hugs: We're always here for you both. I wish you the best (and do keep us posted). xoxo Tammi

[Michelia]

He needs you now more than ever. The support you offer now will forever show him how much you love him. It may not be the time to deal with the Cding in your life issue. You can sort all that out later. I am so sorry you are finding this out this way, but the damage is done. Please tell him there is nothing to be ashamed of. That you love him. That you will be there for him. It is you and him that are important, not the people at work. He is out now, so turn the situation around if he is not fired. The others will get the message that they need to respect him. Help him stand up with dignity and not shame. He has done nothing to be ashamed of. He has kept this from you. And that is not good. But it is prevalent and understandable. Please forgive him and try to understand why he never told you.

The GG's on here can give much better advice than me. So give it time and learn and give it some thought. Right now, the world seems to be crashing on you. But it will get better. And you never know...if you give it a chance it may work to your advantage in the long term. You might know who your partner really is and be able to share a closeness with him you never had before.

Michelia

[Country girl]

There are a great group of people on here. Both GG's and the gurls. Great advice. Wicked Blond is 100% right when she said communication is key to everything! Absolutely everything. If communication breaks down then the relationship will break down eventually as well. I think you will come to find that a lot if not all crossdressers are wonderful men. They have something special about them, perhaps because of their desire to dress female, that makes them more sensitive to GG's. Don't get me wrong, they can be stubborn, pigheaded a**es, but we all have those tendencies. So even though you are freaked out right now, give it time and talk to your man. You might just find a new and improved world awaits you. In any case we're all here for you! Lots of :hugs: , and remember if you ever need to talk we are here. You can also PM most of us as we are available if you need to chat privately. Take care and good luck!

Country Girl

[Glenda58]

I have read all the post and agree with them. This is serous and you need to stand by him. This forum can come up with things that are fun to talk about but we are here to help any person that needs it. Just stay close to him he is probably purging all his things thinking that this won't happen again. So talk to him and just be there for him.

[christine55]

Let the poor guy know you are worried about him and still do love him. Crossdressing is not nearly as wierd as it appears from the outside. The shame he is feeling is something most all of us have felt or continue to feel at times.
What a pile of crap to fall on both of you. Best Wishes
Hugs, Christine

[ubokvt]

Oh Hon I so sorry you had to find out about this, this way. It seem most of the focus is on how you can help him, and that is in effect what you asked but I can't help asking what about you, what can we do for you, you are the one here and you are the one talking to us, what can we do to help you!!! If your your going to be there for him then we've got to support you first. Beside advice, our stories, our good wishs and concern what do you personally need. You are as important to us as he is:love: What are you feeling right now?
Sara

[x_girl]

mylitta,

You sound incredible. This is not the type of thing that most women can handle with such composure.

Time will make the subject easier to talk about and I hope that you will have an even closer relationship than you obviously have now.

take care.

[Sally2005]

Although far from ideal situation. Let everything cool for a bit. Then talk about it. For people at work, its pretty easy to shut them up if they are worried about keeping their jobs. The initial shock will wear off quickly and people will just go back to routine.

[lexygirl]

Lexygirl's wife's:2c:

Well I haven't seen one GG's advice yet so I thought I would help out. Now how I found out was actually funny and a bit unfair.

I was in the middle of running our wedding, my head was every where and right in the middle of figuring out wedding music and reading through wedding vows since we had personalized them. My husband decided to tell me guess what it is two weeks to the wedding and I am a cross dresser. At that time I had it tucked away to work with it later and we got through the wedding. My only response was uh huh... you are not getting out of this wedding buster! But after our honeymoon we finally talked about it. And I am not going to lie to you I was scared shitless. I had all these stupid things my overly christian family put in my head about crossdressers are gay and it will only be a matter of time before he left me. And for a while the only way I could handle him doing it was to think Alex was a completely different person. Like my husband left and I had a best friend over. But after a while I got use to him and his other side Alex... and to tell you the truth Alex is the father of our son :heehee: .

But all kinkiness aside the plain and simple truth is it is not only hard for him it is hard on us SO's. Not only do we have to reprogram our minds from that of our parents thinking but we also have to comfort someone who is afraid of us leaving. And there was a time I actually (ok people this is getting into the minds of the SO) was scared he was being a competitive woman and had to do it better than I did. I have low self esteem and I thought he dressed better, looked better and did everything better than I ever did... so why did he need me? But that goes away with a little reassuring on my husbands part and also some boundery rules.

Here is some examples:
~The Victoria secret under wear I bought is off limits. (I will sign divorce papers over that :heehee: )
~Do not wear my designer clothing, get your own. (he stretches out the shoulders. I am five foot two so that isn't hard for a five foot nine man)
~And if he wants to be exactly like a girl he cannot use his manliness as an excuse for leaving a mess behind. (trust me he has used it before I told him he cannot have it both ways... you make a mess as a girl you clean it as a girl)

But other than that just find the strength you have in eachother. The man you married is still there... it is just under make-up femme instead of boyish grins.

[Sharon86]

Hiya sweetheart, wow, this is is the moment that all cd's dread, but it's out in the open now, but atleast he has your support and that is absolutely fantastic, like everybody else has said, tell him you love him and when he's ready to talk you want to be the person working this out with him, and leave it at that, but ALWAYS remember that this forum is here to support YOU :hugs: aswell as your husband, so neither of you should feel alone in the world right now. It's going to be a long bumpy road for you both, but you will always find a shoulder to cry on here. LOL. Sharon.xxx

[Patricia Danielle]

Howdy you do seem like a remarkable person, so tell him not to worry about what everybody else thinks because they don't know anything about it and just worry about and talk to each other.. Tell them to tend to there cows and you'll tend to yours!! When it comes to other people just remember what I say There is nothing more terrifying than IGNORANCE in action!!!!! lots of big rescue HUGS from all of us...Patricia..

[noname]

mylitta, I am sorry that this has happened you to and your other. Like you mentioned there are some not so nice people in the world. I understand that he is too embarrased to face you. Perhaps you could give him a nice card letting him know how much you care. You may also want to join the GG forum for support.

Best wishes.

[mylitta]

Country Girl[/QUOTE]


Oh Hon I so sorry you had to find out about this, this way. It seem most of the focus is on how you can help him, and that is in effect what you asked but I can't help asking what about you, what can we do for you, you are the one here and you are the one talking to us, what can we do to help you!!! If your your going to be there for him then we've got to support you first. Beside advice, our stories, our good wishs and concern what do you personally need. You are as important to us as he is:love: What are you feeling right now?
Sara

Thanks for that Sara- it is a problem with so may facets, I don't know where to start. If it wasn't for the work sh*** I could probably ask more of him, but he has enough to deal with at the moment. Me....upset at the deceit, confused, having to re-evaluate myself as well as him. It is like my whole world has been shook up like a kaleidoscope- the old pattern has been destroyed, eventually a new pattern will emerge, but now it feels like one big mess. does that make sense??

[pocoyo]

Thanks for that Sara- it is a problem with so may facets, I don't know where to start. If it wasn't for the work sh*** I could probably ask more of him, but he has enough to deal with at the moment. Me....upset at the deceit, confused, having to re-evaluate myself as well as him. It is like my whole world has been shook up like a kaleidoscope- the old pattern has been destroyed, eventually a new pattern will emerge, but now it feels like one big mess. does that make sense??

Hi mylitta, sorry to hear that you and your partner are going through a hard time right now. You poor things this must be such a shock (particularly the work bit :(). Thank goodness the michief-maker was taught a lesson and will hopefully think twice before meddling in other peoples' private affairs in the future!

I notice that you said you were upset at the deceit, but maybe you don't have to feel upset at that because I'm not sure it is deceit. Being a CD is just an aspect of his personality. We all have many aspects don't we? I don't think we have to share them with everyone. We are allowed some privateness for ourselves even from our partners (as long as it doesn't harm anyone). The reason he has kept his CD private is probably because he is so shy about it because many people don't understand. Perhaps he doesn't even understand it himself yet.

He may well have come to you and told you himself sometime in the future anyway. I know it feels hurtful that there was something about him you didn't know but try not to be hurt. I'm sure he doesn't know everything about you, particularly stuff which may feel fiercely private.

Also I guess you might be worried it's a sexual thing (another reason you may be feeling betrayed), but many many many people crossdress in a totally non-sexual way, just because they feel comfortable in those clothes, or because it feels right or because it's fun. It is a misconception that crossdressing is just some kind of fetish. Obviously it is for some people and I guess you may want to talk to him about why he does it. But whatever the reason don't worry he is still the same person!! You just know something else about him that's all. Nothing's changed really apart from a little bit of information (that when you realise is not freakish and is nothing to be scared of you will feel so much better about!)

I admire your attitude that a new pattern will emerge from the "mess" (maybe this will even make you closer)! You are so right to think in this positive and accurate way. Good on you. :thumbsup: You seem really calm and sensible and loving about the whole thing (yes it's nothing to be worried about but what a shock if you weren't expecting it and weren't familiar with CDing!). So well done to you.

If you and he are kind, understanding and supportive of one another (and bravely open from now on due to no choice!) I think everything will be just fine in your relationship. :happy:

[Sheila]

it is a problem with so may facets, I don't know where to start. If it wasn't for the work sh*** I could probably ask more of him, but he has enough to deal with at the moment. Me....upset at the deceit, confused, having to re-evaluate myself as well as him. It is like my whole world has been shook up like a kaleidoscope- the old pattern has been destroyed, eventually a new pattern will emerge, but now it feels like one big mess. does that make sense??


it does that hun and very understandable and on top the way you found out is cruel beyond belief.

we are here for you both and if you can manage to get him here it may help.

Good luck to both of you

Jess

[uknowhoo]

Hiyagain Mylitta. I came out to my wife about six weeks ago. And, yes, it kinda turned evrything upside down. With love, and commitment, we are working on establishing a new equilibrium. We're not quite there yet, but that's the goal.

For my wife, it was more the deceit, not being fully truthful about all of who I am, which was more distressing than the actual dressing. Allow yourself to feel and own those feelings. You seem like someone who will be able to work through them, and the situation. It might not be fun, but it's doable.

Again, best wishes for you and your man.

xoxo

Tammi

[Penny]

Well, I know you want to support him or you wouldn't have come here. Having said that, supporting him will not be easy yet eveyone has advised you just to love him and stand by him and give him time. Yes, some idiot crushed his world but he knew that could happen. You, on the other hand, were blindsided in the worst kind of way. I Know you must be saying to yourself "how could he do this?" And you are particularly hurt because he didn't tell you.
The reason he didn't tell you is because of the disasterous turn of events that you both face. Many CDs go an entire lifetime being married and still keeping their personal secret to themselves. Why is that? Generally, there
is a lot at risk that is either real or percieved. Would you reveal a secret if you thought it ment you could loose everything?
Lexygirl's wife said it best when she said you have to "reprogram your mind".
That's not easy as we generally love, honor and respect our parent, especially if we get married and have children. You must remember that what we learned from our parents they learned from their parents and so it has been for generations. What we learned was people who are different are not to be trusted. So history proves we can and do discriminate from those who are different. We enslaved the black race because they were different.
We nearly distroyed the entire Cherakee population on the trail of tears because they were different. Hitler attempted to wipe out the Jews because they were different. We burned women at the stake because they were different. So then why is it we still cling to the notion that because homosexual men meerly hang around in public bathrooms and accost little boys, all homosexual men are perverts (a concept now widely disproved as more homosexuals reveal their preference). How can society still believe that just because a man wears women's clothes, he is a homosexual pervert. It's a clasic case of fear and ignorance. Fear and ingnorance that perpetuates discrimination ultimately has consequences as in example, your E-Mailer.
Now I can't offer any good advise that others here have given, but I do hope
I have given you a logical reason to support your husband. Clothes may make the man look like a woman but in actuality, he's still "the man" just slightly different than most, but not all.

:hugs:

Penny

[mylitta]

mylitta,

You sound incredible. This is not the type of thing that most women can handle with such composure.

Time will make the subject easier to talk about and I hope that you will have an even closer relationship than you obviously have now.

take care.

Believe me, I am not incredible- I appear calm and supportive because I have to be at the moment- he has enough to deal with without me throwing a wobbly, but sometimes...inside I'm screaming

[Patricia Danielle]

I can't begin to imagen what your feeling but do hind a way to vent some of the anger and you'll feel better. Remember any time you just want to talk or even blow off some steam we're here for ya... Patricia..

[Michelia]

to see how you are doing. I've been thinking about you a lot. Just know you are in our thoughts and prayers. If you need anything please holler.

It is really crazy how some people can do stupid things without minding the consequences.

Michelia

[ggconfused]

You should come join us in the gg section. This is very new to me too but i have to tell you that these ladies (all of them) are quite amazing and will really help to shed light on the issue. Once the shock wears off (and i assure you it will) everyone here will really help put it into perspective. I am not sure what comes after shock because I am just getting over it, but I know I am not about to go at it alone.

Welcome and come join the party!!!

[ubokvt]

Thank you. There truly is not much I can say that hasn't already been said. But think on this till that moment you opened that email he was still the PERSON you married, all the same values and all the qualities. That email didn't change that. Maybe for you like other SO's here there was also a sweet hidden gentleness you always knew was there but... maybe you know what it is now. I know you want to support him, and concentrating on his plight helps keep yours at bay, but you need to do some self care, coming here is part of that but saddly I think GGConfused is right, for you right now the gg section can offer you far better guidance and support than just us "guys" Make 3 quick post here and apply I sure they will welcome you with unconditional love/support. I surprised they haven't come and swept you up already. Please take care of youself as you do him. Come back when your ready we'll be waiting, or someone like us.

So just Breathe you'll make it. and know this You are a treasure here and we honor you.

[Sierra Evon]

Being supportive & understanding goes along ways, even for me I feel like I really dont have as much support and understanding , I lost my last job , I know because , Im sure that they clued in on me that I'm different , in how I choose to dress as a girl , but never on the job , work is work , I'm still looking for a real job even now, not this P/T stuff, soo all in all , like others have said just give it some time step back , take it slow.....good-luck...

[krisinpink]

MyLitta,

Hats of to you for your genuine concern about your man, his feelings, the hassles at work for him now, etc, and an equally big hats off again to you for taking the initiative to find this group, and to tell your story. I promise that the words you'll read here are genuine, and spoken with understanding and care for both of you.

My feeloings are just like many of the rest here, don't treat him differently today, and understand that he very probably has a big fear that this will drive you away. Know for yourself that in the near future, you and he will talk all about this, and you will have every chance to help one-another. Today, however, is a time for support...for both of you....not only from one another, but from the CDs and GGs here. There is much support available to both of you. You two have been thrust into a situation that many of us have feared, and that keeps lots of us 'in the house' with dressing up. It was downright rotten of this person to do this to you two, and I'll say no more than I'm glad to hear that this person will be suffering peanalties because of whats been done.

Continue to love your man, and don't hesitate to lean on this group for support and answers/advice etc. Above all, don't forget to take care of your own emotional needs as well. You won't be able to help one-another if you don't also endeavor to look after your own feelings as well.

I'm sure sorry this had to happen with you and your guy the way it has, but with love, compassion, and patience, you can emerge from this smiling and with a strengthened relationship, and an even deeper understanding of each-other than before.

[Kelsy]

It Blows me away that someone would be so incredibly stupid and uncaring to out and out try to damage someone like this. If he were homosexual he would have a better chance of defending himself and the company and who ever did this would find themselves in hot water in short order. The fact is CDs are an open target with very little protection!! Do you love him? Does he love you? well then you can make it he is everybit of the man you have fallen in love with and he is a thousand times more of a man, sensitive and caring than the dip shit who did this. Hang tough, love him, support and undertanding. This is the right place to bring your questions and concerns. Talk to the ggs on this site!! they are wonderful people who know the score!
Be easy on each other! We are here for you!!

Jennifer

[mylitta]

Hiyagain Mylitta. I came out to my wife about six weeks ago. And, yes, it kinda turned evrything upside down. With love, and commitment, we are working on establishing a new equilibrium. We're not quite there yet, but that's the goal.

For my wife, it was more the deceit, not being fully truthful about all of who I am, which was more distressing than the actual dressing. Allow yourself to feel and own those feelings. You seem like someone who will be able to work through them, and the situation. It might not be fun, but it's doable.

Again, best wishes for you and your man.

xoxo

Tammi

That's exactly it- my daughters have a friend who cross dresses and I have never had a problem with that, but it was the fact that my man had kept it from me and didn't trust me enough which I find very upsetting. And the anger I feel is not with him, but with the whole situation- he hasn't done anything wrong, and yet he is suffering for it. It just isn't fair- but than life seldom is.

Thanks to all for your support- all messages have been read and vey much appreciated
:rose2:

[Shannon CD]

That's exactly it- my daughters have a friend who cross dresses and I have never had a problem with that, but it was the fact that my man had kept it from me and didn't trust me enough which I find very upsetting. And the anger I feel is not with him, but with the whole situation- he hasn't done anything wrong, and yet he is suffering for it. It just isn't fair- but than life seldom is.

Thanks to all for your support- all messages have been read and vey much appreciated
:rose2:

Mylitta,

Just my point of view here. I would love to find a GF who I could tell about myself from the very beginning, fall in love with her, and get married. The problem with telling someone from the start that you don't know yet is highly dangerous if this is something that you do not want to have go public. I tried that the last time. I thought she understood, I fell in love with her, I trusted her, and then she told everyone and their mother when we started having problems.

So, the flip side is to wait and see if someone can be trusted before you tell them. While you're waiting, you fall in love. During this time you look for clues as to how the other person might take something like this. More often then not, they will make a comment at some point that sounds as if this is the type of thing that they don't agree with. It could be as innocent as laughing at a character on T.V. who is dressed in womens clothing and maybe adding a comment. The SO has no idea that they just pushed us back into a shell that we were peaking our heads out of, but now we are afraid that if we share this information that we will disgust the one that we love most and ultimately lose them. So we live life with this "lie" thinking that any extra time spent with someone that we love so much is a gift. In the back of our minds we know that it will all come crashing down, but we cherish the time we have together while we have it.

Now I'm sure that somewhere between meeting the person you will eventually fall in love with and actually getting to the point that you know you want to share your life with them that there is a perfect moment to be completely honest. I would like to say that this "perfect moment" is not easy to identify and may pass completely un-noticed.

So now what? If told too soon to someone you have not gotten to know well enough the secret gets out to everyone. If told too late to the love of your life you have been deceiptful and are criminalized.

What you are feeling is normal and you have every right to your feelings, but please, don't punish him for his inability to identify that "perfect moment".