When is it too late?

[cath]

Found that my husband has been dressing back in May by accident, since then he has been selfish in his actions and has caused alot of hurt through his involvment with dressing. In a past thread I explained about how far he had taken all of this upto 7hrs a day on the computer, exchanging intimate photo's with other cd's, meeting other Cd's in hotels and putting personal photos of me on a web site.
I have loved my husband for the past 18years he has given me the two most wonderful children and although I do still love and care about him I am not in love any more. He has destroyed all the trust and respect that I ever had for him. He has started to try in the last few days but has gone completley overboard wanting to kiss and hug me all the time but I dont need it any more I have learnt to manage without over the last few months. Can you rebuild from this or is it just too late?

[Stephanie Kay]

Hi, Cath,

What is this about exactly? I'm lost?:straightface:

[MJ]

Found that my husband has been dressing back in May by accident, since then he has been selfish in his actions and has caused alot of hurt through his involvment with dressing. In a past thread I explained about how far he had taken all of this upto 7hrs a day on the computer, exchanging intimate photo's with other cd's, meeting other Cd's in hotels and putting personal photos of me on a web site.
I have loved my husband for the past 18years he has given me the two most wonderful children and although I do still love and care about him I am not in love any more. He has destroyed all the trust and respect that I ever had for him. He has started to try in the last few days but has gone completley overboard wanting to kiss and hug me all the time but I dont need it any more I have learnt to manage without over the last few months.
Can you rebuild from this or is it just too late?

hi cath
it is never too late if you love him. you have to set boundary's and rules. and if you want to rebuild what you had. then it will take time and trust. i do remember your post . the big thing here is do you want to rebuild what you had. i can't say too much as i failed with my so ... but if you want it bad enough you will find a way... i hope so and wish you all the very best.. hugs Marissa

[wannabie]

He has started to try in the last few days but has gone completley overboard wanting to kiss and hug me all the time but I dont need it any more I have learnt to manage without over the last few months. Can you rebuild from this or is it just too late?

It looks like he's trying to save what you once had. it explains the overboard attention you've been getting.

Can you tell me something? what is it that you don't like?

What did you loose, lost or feel that your missing?

Have you sat down and talked with him about it because you've shared 18 years together and had two children. time like that is quite a commitment and someone just have to wonder after all the time together why would you want to end it?

[DonnaT]

I think you can rebuild the trust and love you once had, if you give it a chance.

And if you both really want to give it a chance, then it may take accepting the fact that professional help is needed, such as a good marriage counselor.

It won't be easy, and it won't be quick.

[Kate Simmons]

I think he needs professional help,Cath. The CD persona can become a consummate ravenous monster if he doesn't get a handle on it. It can take on a life of it's own if not kept in check. I think he needs counseling because from what you describe it is over riding all his reason and could possibly destroy your relationship and eventually his life. I saw the potential of this which is why I took so many pains to control it and not let it control me. There is a tremendous amount of emotional energy tied up with this and if it doesn't get the proper outlet, it can be disasterous. He must have very low self esteem, why else would he do the things you say? You must make a decision as well. If you truely love him, you will make the right one but only you know what that is.:straightface: Kay Richards

[Wendy me]

very simple .. when is it too late??? easy answer as it takes two to make it work it's too late when one or more of the two stop wanting it to happen... one person trying and the other not wanting to try then ... it's too late.... think about what you want as you might get what you ask for.....

[GG Vanya]

Put simply, it's too late when the bad times and memories outweigh the good ones.

It sounds to me as if your husband has finally "gotten it" that he's done major damage to your marriage and now wants to *fix it* overnight.

At the risk of being pounded with tomatoes, I'll offer this advice: If you go against your better judgement and forgive him straight away, he *will* repeat his former behavior.

Don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed. You are the injured party here and should be allowed whatever it takes to make you whole, *if* that can even be achieved.

When the aggravation factor outweighs the satisfaction factor...gotta go! (a remark my ex used often, oddly enough I was the one who followed his advice) :devil:

[sherell]

Its So Easy To Let Cross Dressing Take Over . It Seems A Harmlous Activity To Us Girls (not Like Cheating With Another Woman). But I'me Probably Wrong.
Sherell

[vbcdgrl]

Many relationships fail because of CDing. There is no "cure" for CDing, so there has to be a lot of compromise on both sides if the relationship is gonna survive. You will have to at least tolerate some of your hubby's CDing and he will have to give up his outside adventures. You've been much more tolerant than I would have been already.
I'm thinking with my engineering mind now, when I say it's best to confront the problem head on, lay it on the line. If you think you could tolerate his CDing to some degree(you decide), tell him so, set some rules. Let him know if he can't meet your demands, you're outta there.
I know it's really tough, especially with kids involved, but you have to think of your future. Don't stay in a situation where you're gonna be unhappy.

Vikki

[bianncats]

No I don't think its too late. I know I am going against many of the posts in this forum, but my wife left in May for the very same reason. She has MS and had lost much of her sex drive...when i was hot she was cold when I was cold she was hot...we were never on the same page. She feels betrayed, didn't trust me, worried about me being gay, not wanting to be a lesbian. There are other things that bugged her but that was the kicker (the cding). She felt I robbed her of twenty plus years, by not giving her the option to decide if she wanted to marry a cd...

I was wrong in not telling her, but I was scared...I didn't know a lot about it except I enjoyed wearing women's underwear. It is and was a stress reliever for me.

We have spent the last seven months apart but dating. She is ready to move back in, but without the crossdressing...which brings me to my point...The two of you have to decide TOGETHER if you can deal with this and/or if you can't, will he stop and if he won't (can't) stop can you learn to deal with it.

Are the good points of the relationship worth making changes for the other person...I know when my wife and daughter move back in I will have to purge, a sacrifice and not what I want, but she is more important than wearing the clothing and the feeling I receive from dressing.

As the song says I would rather live with her in her world than without her in mine.

You have to choose if you can come to a compromise, and what changes need to be made. My wife had to step away and realize that she wants to be with me...I'm choosing to stop cding.

DO YOU LOVE HIM? DOES HE LOVE YOU? CAN YOU COMPROMISE? CAN HE QUIT CDING COLD TURKEY FOR YOU?

TALK TO COUNSELORS AND WORK THROUGH THIS...IT IS NOT INSURMOUNTABLE. YOU CAN BOTH GET WHAT YOU WANT IF YOU ARE WILLING TO WORK WITH THE OTHER PERSON. YOU CAN DO THIS AND WORK AND LIVE!! THROUGH THIS.

AS YOU CAN TELL I AM VERY PRO-MARRIAGE AND BELIEVE MOST PROBLEMS CAN BE WORKED THROUGH (DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS NOT ONE OF THEM.

BEST WISHES,

BIANNCATS (BRIAN):love:

sorry i got stuck on all caps for a couple paragraphs, but don't want to edit.

[kerrianna]

Hi Cath, I know your husband is trying to repair what he has damaged. Unfortunately the betrayal of trust is huge here, and if you both want to fix things it will take a LOT OF TIME, and squeaky clean behaviour on his part.

There's no guarantee you will ever learn to trust him again. He's got a long road ahead of him just trying to control the impulses he let get the better of him. I know he wants to fix things NOW - I did when I breached my SO's trust, but that wasn't up to me. It has taken time and me behaving myself and paying attention to my SO to get us back on track. I couldn't tell you exactly how much back it is, as only my SO really knows how she feels. And I didn't go nearly as far as your hubby.

So the only thing I can suggest is that if YOU want to make it work, realize that it will likely take a long time and a lot of effort (esp on his part). And it's not realistic for him to pretend he now doesn't want to CD - because that is a part of him. He just put himself in a very bad position and doesn't have anything left to negotiate with. If you two can stay together you will have to decide what is ok and what is not ok with his CDing.

Good luck to you both - marriage counselling might work if you both are committed to it.