Character Aspects!

[pocoyo]

Hello :)

For any of us who are female some of the time and male some of the time, or have been (due to necessity, other peoples' views of you, self exploration or choice) I was just wondering about any differences you feel in boy and girl modes.

It can be anything from how you act or present in front of other people (eg at work, when out shopping, or in front of friends/family) or even how you feel in yourself when you're alone or just at home.

Also, how do you feel in each gender?
Are you exactly the same person? Or does the way you act/dress impact on how you feel inside?
Do you feel strained as your non-preferred gender? Or do you just feel like you, but with the wrong shell?

You get the idea!
Just asking 'cos it's interesting and maybe good for us to explore such things.

Although perhaps there's no point analysing and analysing and we should just have Karren's attitude of "Well, I do this, so what?! Nothing wrong with it and nothing to worry about!!" Awesome attitude! Although of course if considering doing more than CDing it's probably important to question yourself more because if you plan to transition you want to make sure you are making the right choice.

Hmmm!! So... answers on a postcard to... :p
(I'll think about it and answer it myself too).

[Kimberley]

I would like to say that in my life the feelings have changed over time. I could separate things when I was younger, but after coming to self acceptance, I realized it is only one person, neither male nor female but a blend of both that exists within.

What this means is that I feel as that "third gender" for lack of a better description. This mix of genders and my resistance to accepting who and what I am kept me in a lot of turmoil for a lot of years.

If the state of medicine and psych of today existed 40 or more years ago my life would have been much different. I would have pursued transition very young.

Today, I just try to survive as me without analyzing anything as gender related. I am a lot happier for it.

I hope this is of some help.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[CaptLex]

Wow, such deep questions early in the morning - well, it's early on this side of the pond. Hold on, I gotta go to Tina's and grab an espresso or something first . . . . Okay, I'm back. Now, let's see . . . excellent questions, actually. Anything that makes me think is good, but I can't think until I'm fully awake so I needed that coffee.

I used to see myself as two separate (but compatible) personalities - Mel (female) and Lex (male). The main difference between these two is that Lex could always speak up and say exactly what was on his mind without hesitation, whereas Mel was much more tongue-tied in many situations. So, when I felt like I couldn't express myself well verbally, I knew I needed a little help from Lex. However, Mel is a bit more nurturing than Lex, so when I needed that part of my personality to come out, I would call on her. This made me think I was schizophrenic and I would never mention it to anyone so they wouldn't call the men in the white coats with the straight jacket. :eek:

Since I've started transitioning, I feel that both personalities have merged into one (I wrote about it in my blog, maybe I'll post that entry) and I now have the best characteristics of both. I don't mind when either part of my personality emerges solo for whatever purpose, the problem I have with that is when people who have known me for ages still only see the female side of me. Let's just say Lex doesn't like to be ignored. :rolleyes:

I also think I dress to express my current mood and personality, and not vice versa. I'm usually dressed as Lex, but sometimes I'll throw on a piece of jewelry or some other accessory that's distinctly Mel. In fact, I was going to get rid of a cool jacket I have because it has my female name embroidered on it, but I thought better of it and kept it. As I explained to my therapist, if anyone asks I'll tell them she let me borrow it as we wear the same size and like the same colors. ;)

I hope I answered the questions well enough, otherwise I'll go get another coffee. :heehee:

[pocoyo]

Kimberly - Yes it is. It's so nice to know that you accept yourself :hugs:
Also it's quite reassuring that you know that you are just one person, because sometimes I feel a little stressed about the fact that I feel a bit like 2 different people. Exploring the issue (such as this thread and reading peoples' answers) is helping me to realise the "truth" of the matter.
I don't think that I actually AM 2 different people but I think that in boy mode I'm "allowed" to do some things that I wouldn't even want to consider in girl mode. I will elaborate on that later when I post my own reply!

Perhaps the conclusion to it all is that we are all (every human being) a mixture of male and female. It's just that some feel comfortable in one shape of body (and ways of behaviour) and some the other.

[pocoyo]

Lex,
Hehe glad you got that coffee! Don't laugh but my breakfast was some prune juice and some ice cream lol! (It's all I can be bothered to eat at the moment).
Ah another reassuring and sensible answer. I'm so glad for you that you feel that both have merged into one. Perhaps it's because you are finally becoming complete, in that you are getting the right body & hormones so things are settling into place and making sense.
Oh yes please do post it, it will be interesting to read. It's about time the Captain's Log was updated!!! I've been waiting for the next installment :D
I can relate to the tongue-tied thing in a way too. I will mention that in my own answer. (It's formulating as I type hehe).
I think it's great that you still have your more assertive side and your nurturing side. Both are so important!
Very cool attitude in dressing to suit your mood, and to keep that nice jacket!

Yeah the coffee done good :p
Would still like to know more though...
How do you feel? Comfortable? Strong? Sexy? Secure? Shy? Happy? Stressed? Chilled out? etc!

[CaptLex]

Would still like to know more though...
How do you feel? Comfortable? Strong? Sexy? Secure? Shy? Happy? Stressed? Chilled out? etc!
All of the above at different times and in varying degrees. I have my good days and my bad days. Most of the time I probably go back and forth between secure and stressed, though. :p

P.S. Prune juice and ice cream? Definitely not a sailor's breakfast.

[Kimberley]

... Would still like to know more though...
How do you feel? Comfortable? Strong? Sexy? Secure? Shy? Happy? Stressed? Chilled out? etc!

**********************
All of the above plus all the negative things too. Insecure, asexual, sometimes sad, sometimes anxious, and always a little on edge.

It is just that to feel all these things and emotions is to be human. I cant relate them specifically to a gender. Why? Because I dont know what it means to be female anymore than I do to be male. I have never felt I truly belonged in either camp.

:love:
Kimberley

[CaptLex]

Oh yes please do post it, it will be interesting to read. It's about time the Captain's Log was updated!!! I've been waiting for the next installment :D
Okay . . . (twist my arm :heehee:), I posted that blog entry in my Captain's Log thread in the TS section: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=652968#post652968

[pocoyo]

**********************
All of the above plus all the negative things too. Insecure, asexual, sometimes sad, sometimes anxious, and always a little on edge.

It is just that to feel all these things and emotions is to be human. I cant relate them specifically to a gender. Why? Because I dont know what it means to be female anymore than I do to be male. I have never felt I truly belonged in either camp.

:love:
Kimberley

Oh Kimberley, I'm so sorry that you always feel a little on edge :( *hug* Do you think that's something you could work on? I do.
I think maybe you should take a little chill time each day. It's do-able.

Yes I agree those emotions are just to be human, not male or female. :hugs:


Lex - Sorry about the stressed bit but I have a feeling you're working on that. Happy about the secure bit!
Haha, yeah not a sailors breakfast at all! More like a wimps breakfast hehe. Wooo Captain's Log!! Just off to read it now :happy:

[Felix]

Great thread Pocoyo!! Lets see when I was i kid I was such a tomboy everythin I did was like boy stuff I don't remember havin dolls only cuddly toys really. Inside all I wanted to do was boy stuff and be one of the lads. My mothers reaction to this was like why don't ya wanna wear dresses and be girly wear make up. Make up has always made me feel strange never liked it. when I was 12 she stopped me playin football cos she saw it as not the right thing for a girl to do, lol I was always the goal keeper. I had confused feelings about myself when I was 12 cos it came to the fore my attraction to the same sexy, I already felt this too when I was 8. Suprise suprise my mum shut me in the closet. I tried to be more girly but never felt right about it dresses just didn't do it for me but anythin to keep the peace! I think the girls in my school always saw me as weired, well I wasn't like them for sure. So for years I locked this part of me away even to the lengths of growing my hair more than once in my life. I started investigating this part of me again when I came out as Lesbian and I took on a quite butch persona.
This had mixed reactions alot of comments from nasty ppl in the street and my parents didn't cope at all they dissowned me. So because of reaction and needing to be accepted in the work place I grew my hair bad decision and tried to soften my approach. Bad choices both of them! I was unhappy with my appearance so had my hair cut short and began exploring my gender again. I feel more contented where I am now but it is still difficult in the work place cos ppl find it hard to deal with gender sexuality and difference. I have to be careful all the time that I don't overstep boundaries cos i am who I am ppl think I'm just after one thing. It's so not true that because I'm me that I want to get in every woman's knickers :Angry3: So the work situation is hard.
I agree with Captain since I have accepted myself I am more confident but the female inside me is always there to fall back on although at times I wish I didn't show my pathetic side I hate it. Sorry if I've gone on just had a bad day and annoyed with the attitude of ppl towards my difference. xx Felix :hugs:

[pocoyo]

Thank you Felix!
Oh no, I'm so sorry about the comments from the nasty idiots in the street and your parents disowning you :( *hughug* I'm very glad to hear that you are more contended now though :happy: :thumbsup:
Urgh, that must be so annoying how they treat you at work. The fools.
Hey I'm sure it's not a pathetic side! There's nothing wrong with having a softer side, at all.
You haven't gone on!! And if you had, so what? Bring it on!!! :D Nothin' wrong with a good old rant hehe!...This place is so awesome isn't it? Somewhere where people actually understand! Somewhere where you can actually be, and be respected as your true self! Wicked :happy:

P.S. Sorry that you've had a bad day with idiots, hope it gets better this evening :)!

[Poltergeist]

My personality is always the same, with it's male and female sides. I've never seen myself as switching between two personalities. But now that I'm able to live life more the way I want (for example, without a mother who insists on me having long hair), I feel a lot more confident and relaxed, and not as insecure and angry as I used to.

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Pocoyo, I'm pretty much the same person regardless of what I look like but I think you already know that, right?:happy: Ericka Kay

[pocoyo]

Well I'm feeling a bit frazzled and out-of-it but I'm going to attempt to have a brain and try and answer my own question. Here goes!

Not sure how to structure this or anything so it might be a case of it tumbling onto the page as I think it!....

Make-up & girly clothes
As a girl (wearing make up, letting boob shape show through clothes) I often feel like people are nicer to me, especially boys (hmmm). My mum doesn't understand why if I make a "nice looking" female that boys like, and I am attracted to boys, everything doesn't just fit right... what's the problem? Well it's not as simple as that, I tell her.
Often when I'm going out like that I really enjoy wearing make up and the effect it has on people, but it's so nice to come home and take it off again. When going out "dressed up" in girly clothes (not that I've done that very often) it's almost like I'm a man, who likes being a man, but sometimes likes to dress as a pretty girl. Or perhaps that's just how normal girls feel - that when they're dressed up that's not the real them, just a polished image version of them. Not sure on that one!

Rebel without a drink
I don't drink alcohol, for a few reasons. 1) I don't want to not feel in control 2) I have a balance problem as it is without alcohol making it worse! 3) It's fattening. I also don't smoke because I think it's unhealthy. As a BOY however I've always felt like like I'm a major drinker and smoker. It's quite odd lol! Perhaps I am just exploring aspects of myself if I was less careful with my health. That goes right back to when I was really little though. Curious. I guess I would like to be that sexy rebel guy, if only it wasn't so bad for you lol!

Sex
This is quite a big one for me (oi!)
If my friends are messing around or teasing me or flirting with me and they mention sex and me as a girl it really pisses me off and makes me feel sick and uncomfortable because they are thinking of me with a female anatomy and acting like I like it. What I mean is, sometimes, for instance, they say comments about me and my ex boyfriend and it revolts me because I never did anything "rude" with him anyway but the fact that they are thinking of me in that way is disgusting. Or if they say I'm sexy and stop to think and say "oh.. hang on a minute, just had a nice mental image there..." I will say "Don't you dare even IMAGINE me with no clothes on." Likewise if anyone ever says any innuendo which I am supposed to be on the end of, as a female, it makes me very uncomfortable and cross and feels so "wrong" and disgusting. I often feel like smacking someone in the mouth when they think of me like that.
A work mate of mine was actually talking about sex with me the other day and I said "yuck". He looked surprised and said "yuck?" I explained how I feel about sex and then I said to him "well.. would YOU want to be entered?" He said "no...that would be horrible" and I said "exactly, that's how I feel."

Now then, if I was a boy I wouldn't give a flying fu, fu, er fudge, if people imagined me naked. In fact I would probably be proud! lol.
I have discussed sex many times AS A BOY, online with my lovely online friends (who don't know I was born a girl) and I feel totally comfortable and in fact really enjoy discussing it LOL. It's not because they are on the pc and so, less personal. No, it is because I am a boy in the conversations.

If I was a boy I wouldn't boast or anything, but if people talked about my sexual exploits I wouldn't mind. As a girl however if someone saw me as a sexual being I would feel a big sense of shame and grossness and like I was so disgusting.
Should someone think I'm a very sexy boy and want to make love with me as a boy (if I had a boy's body) I would grin my ass off.

Hugs & boobs
As a girl I feel a bit weird when people hug me and I know it's because I've got boobs. If I didn't have boobs I would be far more touchy feely and relaxed. I don't like the sensation or look of having boobs. They make me have this weird grossed-out feeling inside sometimes. Like self-disgust.
People say "oh you have nice boobs" blah blah "you should be grateful, lots of people would like to look like you". The thing is though... it's not quite LIKE that. Sure, on someone else these boobs would look ok, just not on me. They make me feel this deep sense of self-consciousness and embarrasment. I have to pretend they're not there or forget they're there to feel comfortable.

Hmm I'm not answering this in the way I intended to at all! Boy I must be more out-of-it than I thought.

Ok this is more like what I envisaged:

As a boy I feel more gritty and sexy and a very chilled out individual.
As a girl I feel I'm pulling myself together to make a neat package which is pleasing for other people to look at and interact with (which also makes life easier for me in some ways).

I feel happy as a boy.
I feel confused as a girl.

That will do for now. I didn't even answer the questions properly lol... I will later though. Stopping this for now though or this will be the longest post ever!

[Poltergeist]

Hugs & boobs
As a girl I feel a bit weird when people hug me and I know it's because I've got boobs. If I didn't have boobs I would be far more touchy feely and relaxed. I don't like the sensation or look of having boobs. They make me have this weird grossed-out feeling inside sometimes. Like self-disgust.
People say "oh you have nice boobs" blah blah "you should be grateful, lots of people would like to look like you". The thing is though... it's not quite LIKE that. Sure, on someone else these boobs would look ok, just not on me. They make me feel this deep sense of self-consciousness and embarrasment. I have to pretend they're not there or forget they're there to feel comfortable.


I have that problem too... that's one of my biggest problems with being what I am. I feel deformed, like there's something really disgusting growing out of my body, and it's so hard to ignore that they're there... It's so bad that even though I am actually bisexual, I have a problem being with females because they remind me of what I have but don't want.

[pocoyo]

Erickayrich - yes. And it's good to know :hugs:

Poltergeist - glad you feel that you're the same person all the time. I'm sad you have to have the weird boobs thing too :( Yeah I know what you mean about boobs on other people. Grrrr. Sucks huh. *(boobless) hug*

[bi_weird]

I wrote a reply earlier...and then accidently deleted it...so I went and ate lunch, and now I'm posting *laughs* We'll see if I manage to say things half as clearly as I did the last time.
I definitely notice a difference between boy mode and girl mode. I'm more emotional as a girl, and more into obsessing over my guinea pigs and the like. When I'm in boy mode I feel a lot less stressed about things in my life, and I'm much more competative. Well 'competative' isn't always the right word. Sometimes it's downright combative, but that's at least in part because I can't get people to treat me the way I want to be treated sometimes.
Part of the difference I'm pretty sure is that I end up partitioning my life into boy mode and girl mode, and all the stress is on the girl side. I don't live as a guy, so I let myself escape stress by putting on boy clothes and expressing that side. It ends up feeling rather like I have multiple personalities, so I can sympathize with the Cap there.
I'm definitely more confident as a guy though, and I feel more together about things. It's funny, because I can be totally happy as a girl, and I love girl bonding time with my friends, but as my one guy friend treats me more and more like a guy I'm finding I really like that sort of bond also.

[pocoyo]

Part of the difference I'm pretty sure is that I end up partitioning my life into boy mode and girl mode, and all the stress is on the girl side. I don't live as a guy, so I let myself escape stress by putting on boy clothes and expressing that side.

That makes a lot of sense and is something really important for us all to consider.

Hope your lunch was nice btw :happy: hehe.

That multiple personalities thing is so confusing isn't it. grrr. Hopefully it's just aspects of us that we feel we cant explore in girl mode and stuff though. That's one of the reasons I started this thread, to try and get to the bottom of the whole 2 sides of us thing.

Cheers!

[CaptLex]

I can relate to a lot of what you said, Pocoyo.


As a girl (wearing make up, letting boob shape show through clothes) I often feel like people are nicer to me, especially boys (hmmm).
Yeah, I get that too, and it makes me very uncomfortable because I know the boys see me as a girl. If they saw me as a boy and were nice to me, it would be okay, but that's not the case. :sad:


As a BOY however I've always felt like like I'm a major drinker and smoker.
Man, I thought it was just me that felt this way. When I stopped taking female hormones and my naturally-produced T stopped being suppressed, I suddenly got the urge to resume such bad habits that I had not partaken of in a very long time. Of course, I also got the urge to resume some good things (like writing again), but I was surprised by how much I suddenly wanted a drink and a cigarette. :eek: I still don't know whether it's the hormones or a mental thing that I associate with being male.


Now then, if I was a boy I wouldn't give a flying fu, fu, er fudge, if people imagined me naked. In fact I would probably be proud! lol. . . . If I was a boy I wouldn't boast or anything, but if people talked about my sexual exploits I wouldn't mind. As a girl however if someone saw me as a sexual being I would feel a big sense of shame and grossness and like I was so disgusting. Should someone think I'm a very sexy boy and want to make love with me as a boy (if I had a boy's body) I would grin my ass off.
Yup, sounds familiar too. I hate being given the onceover by a straight guy (makes me cringe), but I really wouldn't mind getting the same look from a gay guy. I don't even mind getting the look from women - it just doesn't turn me on.


As a girl I feel a bit weird when people hug me and I know it's because I've got boobs. If I didn't have boobs I would be far more touchy feely and relaxed. I don't like the sensation or look of having boobs. They make me have this weird grossed-out feeling inside sometimes. Like self-disgust.
You know . . . I hated getting hugs before I started attending a support group. My support group always hugs hello and goodbye and those are the only people I don't feel uncomfortable hugging - in fact, I always look forward to those hugs. I thought it was because I feel they're the only ones in my real life that see the real me - but maybe the boobs has something to do with it too. Just never thought about that. Hmmmm . . .

[Kimberley]

Pocoyo, thank you for your concern about being edgy. There is a lot behind that, issues I have yet to come to terms with in my life but yes, I am addressing them slowly and surely.

Your response to your own question was very candid and to be honest, it really touched more than a couple of nerves with me only in reverse. The parallels were quite uncanny in more ways than you can imagine.

I think one of the things you touched on (well more than touched on) was the way people relate to you. I know this same feeling exists with many of the other F2M's. Personally, when talking with any of you guys it never feels like a female on the other side, never has except with a couple of people from the past who are no longer here. Regardless, I know how you feel when you are considered male.

As I said in an earlier post, a coworker once told me I was such a girl. I was just gushing inside because it was how she saw me. Anyway, you shouldnt really let yourself get upset at other people's ignorance of gender, because it is something they dont understand. They cant separate the concepts of gender and sexuality, let alone wrap their heads around the fact that we are by and large hetero. Oh well.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[mistunderstood]

As a girl I have all this baggage from my past life. As a male it is all gone. Dont get me wrong as a guy I have to fight to keep it simple and to the point. As a guy I have different trials I have to deal with. As a guy I have to deal with fighting over being a guy sometimes with my girlfriend. As a girl there is no fighting. As a girl I have to deal wiyh a past. As a girl I am real in your face about things.As a guy I am layed back. As a girl I have to prove my-self. As a guy Who cares:). LOL As Aaron I really like my-self. As a girl I hate to say this I hate my-self.
I guess I will stop here. :)

[pocoyo]

Hi Lexylex, thanks for your replies! I er ahem, I mean Captain, Sir, *nods*.
Sorry 'bout that, I got a little camp for a moment there (not to mention cheeking my superior! Hehe) *blush*.


Yup, sounds familiar too. I hate being given the onceover by a straight guy (makes me cringe), but I really wouldn't mind getting the same look from a gay guy. I don't even mind getting the look from women - it just doesn't turn me on.

Yeah, totally.



You know . . . I hated getting hugs before I started attending a support group. My support group always hugs hello and goodbye and those are the only people I don't feel uncomfortable hugging - in fact, I always look forward to those hugs. I thought it was because I feel they're the only ones in my real life that see the real me - but maybe the boobs has something to do with it too. Just never thought about that. Hmmmm . . .

Well maybe it's like both, cos the real you doesn't have boobs! So when you're hugging them you sort of don't have boobs 'cos they see the real you. :D

These answers from everyone are really cool, so glad I'm not the only one that feels this way. It's so weird that just a short time ago I had never connected with anyone else that was like me (that I knew of).

Thanks so much guys and gals :happy:

[CaptLex]

Hi Lexylex, thanks for your replies! I er ahem, I mean Captain, Sir, *nods*.
Sorry 'bout that, I got a little camp for a moment there (not to mention cheeking my superior! Hehe) *blush*.
Just so you know . . . cheeky cabin boys have been known to end up tied to the mast. ;)


Well, maybe it's like both, cos the real you doesn't have boobs! So when you're hugging them you sort of don't have boobs 'cos they see the real you. :D
As I said before, you're a wise one! :happy:


These answers from everyone are really cool, so glad I'm not the only one that feels this way. It's so weird that just a short time ago I had never connected with anyone else that was like me (that I knew of).
That's why I'm glad we can all come here and share - I'm glad to know I'm not alone in all this. :hugs:

[pocoyo]

Pocoyo, thank you for your concern about being edgy. There is a lot behind that, issues I have yet to come to terms with in my life but yes, I am addressing them slowly and surely.
Allo Kimbles, er.. Kimberley :D, I'm so glad to hear that you are addressing them. Good for you! :happy:


Your response to your own question was very candid and to be honest, it really touched more than a couple of nerves with me only in reverse. The parallels were quite uncanny in more ways than you can imagine.
Oh wow.


I think one of the things you touched on (well more than touched on) was the way people relate to you. I know this same feeling exists with many of the other F2M's. Personally, when talking with any of you guys it never feels like a female on the other side,... ...I know how you feel when you are considered male.
Thank you, that's very cool.


As I said in an earlier post, a coworker once told me I was such a girl. I was just gushing inside because it was how she saw me.
Aww I can so imagine how you felt.


Anyway, you shouldnt really let yourself get upset at other people's ignorance of gender, because it is something they dont understand. They cant separate the concepts of gender and sexuality, let alone wrap their heads around the fact that we are by and large hetero. Oh well.
Yeah, I guess when you don't understand something it's hard to act and react in the right way. It's a real shame that they get it so wrong sometimes though.




As a girl I have all this baggage from my past life. As a male it is all gone. Dont get me wrong as a guy I have to fight to keep it simple and to the point. As a guy I have different trials I have to deal with. As a guy I have to deal with fighting over being a guy sometimes with my girlfriend. As a girl there is no fighting. As a girl I have to deal wiyh a past. As a girl I am real in your face about things.As a guy I am layed back. As a girl I have to prove my-self. As a guy Who cares:). LOL As Aaron I really like my-self. As a girl I hate to say this I hate my-self.
I guess I will stop here. :)

Hi Aaron, I know what you mean. A while ago I realised that I really really liked myself as [my male name] and thought I was a lovely person as him but that I really wasn't too keen on myself as a girl. That is so so sad though and then I spoke to my Mum and thought about it a bit more and realised that if I wasn't me and knew the 'girl me' as a friend or sister I would think she was very nice. I also realised that, whether I am in boy OR girl mode I am a friendly, funny, very silly person who is very (sometimes too) caring and has strong morals. (It was hard to admit 'cos I'm such a self deprecating f*cker but it is actually true). After I realised this, I liked myself a bit more and felt a little more secure in the sense of "who I am".
Also, working things out and realising things from reading/writing on this board has made me realise that (hopefully) these 'male and female' traits are actually all just aspects of the same (nice) person anyway.
I am sure it might be similar for you if you think about it. Please, please don't hate yourself, I don't think there is any reason to. *hug*

[Lisa Golightly]

I know this is a boy's thread... but I'm an oddity... :) As I developed breasts at 13 I never really got to work out if I was dressing because of a hormonal thing or a conscious thing. As such I've never really had a 'two' sex perspective. I'm a blended essence and as such I've never really seen divides... Although I know that when a guy punches me playfully in the chest it really, really hurts...

I guess sometimes I struggle with divides, because I kind of sit alone between them... I guess sometimes I wish I could have been binary... Either a 1 or a 0, but it was not to be... I feel awkward amongst strangers, but those who really know me tend to adapt to my... hmmmmm... uniqueness.

[mistunderstood]

Thank you Pocoyo.I tend to stay in guy mode as I am starting to live full time. Just a few more things to do yet then I take the plunge and jump in.

[pocoyo]

CaptLex - aah, so you're into bondage sir? :angel:
Wise? Me? Oh dear, he's been at the grog again....!

Lisa G - Hey this is an anyone thread! A blended essence, ooh how romantic, poetic and smo-oth. Like Baileys Häagen-Dazs.
I can imagine how it could have been very confusing for you, and sorry to hear about the awkwardness with strangers but I'm glad that your friends (and you) seem happy about your....uniqueness :happy:

[Kieron Andrew]

i dont have and never did have dual personalities, ive always just been me, but as ive come out to more people my personality has become more defined and outwardly if that makes sense

[pocoyo]

Thank you Pocoyo.I tend to stay in guy mode as I am starting to live full time. Just a few more things to do yet then I take the plunge and jump in.

Well even if you're transitioning I think it is important to not hate (an aspect of) yourself and to like yourself. (Be nice to your poor self!)

Good for you by the way (on the transitioning), that's really exciting :D

[pocoyo]

i dont have and never did have dual personalities, ive always just been me, but as ive come out to more people my personality has become more defined and outwardly if that makes sense

It sure does!
Good to know :happy:

[Kieron Andrew]

Dont get me wrong as a guy I have to fight to keep it simple and to the point.
that's the point the males of this world be it in the animal kingdom or human world have to fight to become leader of its own pack.....males are far more invisible to the outside world unless they have status.........its a dog eat dog world for men, i realised my place in the world when i started expressing my male self more, i hate to admit this as any man would, but females are the hierarchy of this world! we are just lap dogs compared to them lol

[pocoyo]

i hate to admit this ..... but females are the hierarchy of this world! we are just lap dogs compared to them lol

Haha, that is so true! A lot of women have this amazing strange, huge power and inner strength.

[Abraxas]

Hmmmm. This is a bit of a tough one for me, because I'm never really in girl mode. In high school, I wore a dress to, I think, two dances, and was required to wear them for choir performances, and I hated every minute of it, but I didn't feel as if I was any different, really. Well, then, of course up to that point I hadn't had the big 'revelation' and had no idea I was TG (at least, I didn't know I could be). I actually tended to be more mean, unstable, and slightly violent when wearing the dresses, because I resented having to wear them.
But that's been a few years ago now. These days, I've got two aspects to my personality, I suppose. Perhaps three. Yeah, three. All of whom drink and smoke, haha!
Firstly, I've got Benny, just Benny, normal Benny. Just me. The me you guys all see most of the time. I think I'm a sweetie, although, the cyclothymia is included in this, so sometimes I can be a downright weepy, sad, or angry Benny.

Secondly, I've got the over-the-top, super-flamboyant, floppy-wristed faggot version of myself, which pops out every time I go to a club, and at a lot of parties and stuff. I'm like a party favour or something.

And thirdly, there is Abraxas, the performer, the musician, the writer, who is trying desperately to be Freddie Mercury, or Stephen Fry, or Hugh Laurie, or any number of people, while still trying to be me at the same time. However, I must admit that this is when I feel my most pure, most animal, because music, as any musician knows, transforms people who perform it. You become not the music, but a portal for the music to come out of. So you mustn't be anything other than what you naturally are, because you're just a speakerbox. You can't affect any personality. It's interesting.

Anyway, enough rambling from me for the moment . . .

[pocoyo]

Ooh interesting, thanks for explaining about the different aspects of "you".

Hahaha! Don't blame you for being violent, being made to wear a dress, yuck! Poor thing.
Wow I can relate to having the over the top camp version of yourself sometimes!
The performing as a musician thing is interesting, that you said you can't be anything other than yourself I mean. If you are right then this helps me to realise who myself is! People always say to me that they can't believe I am the same person when they see me on stage because I am so confident and loud and crazy and usually I'm quite shy and quiet. So maybe you're right and all those barriers of shyness are broken down to the pure person.
Oh yeah, I can also relate to the being like other similar (and cool) people (writers, performers, musicans etc) thing but in your own way. Good choice of people you've got going on there ;)

I'm kinda glad that you seem to be saying that it's still wrapped up as basically the same person though. Makes me feel more normal that I'm not the exact same person all the time.

Thanks 'braxas :D

P.S. hehe I really want to go to a club or something with the "limp-wristed, faggot version" of you. I bet that's great fun. What larks pip, what larks!

[Abraxas]

Ooh interesting, thanks for explaining about the different aspects of "you".

Hahaha! Don't blame you for being violent, being made to wear a dress, yuck! Poor thing.
Wow I can relate to having the over the top camp version of yourself sometimes!
The performing as a musician thing is interesting, that you said you can't be anything other than yourself I mean. If you are right then this helps me to realise who myself is! People always say to me that they can't believe I am the same person when they see me on stage because I am so confident and loud and crazy and usually I'm quite shy and quiet. So maybe you're right and all those barriers of shyness are broken down to the pure person.
Oh yeah, I can also relate to the being like other similar (and cool) people (writers, performers, musicans etc) thing but in your own way. Good choice of people you've got going on there ;)

I'm kinda glad that you seem to be saying that it's still wrapped up as basically the same person though. Makes me feel more normal that I'm not the exact same person all the time.

Thanks 'braxas :D

P.S. hehe I really want to go to a club or something with the "limp-wristed, faggot version" of you. I bet that's great fun. What larks pip, what larks!

No problem, glad to be of assistance!
I've spent far too much time studying myself, I think, haha! But then, I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. One person has called me 'fake' before-- I explained myself to her and she kind of went, 'oh, I get it.' Nothing's fake. I firmly believe that even if people are 'acting' or putting on a charade, then that's them. It's just a part of them that would prefer to be someone else for the moment, as it were. *shrug* sometimes I'd like to be Bertie Wooster (right ho, Jeeves! Toodle pip!), there's no harm in that. That's what drives a lot of actors. Everyone has bits of themself that are different from their perceived 'norm' and acting is an 'acceptable' way of bringing those bits out. An actor can be anyone, any time, and that's a great freedom.
Oh, and believe me, the limp-wristed faggot is a great deal of fun! My friends all seem to enjoy little old gay Benj (although I tend to think of myself more as a Jimmy or Johnny when I'm being overly flamboyant). Is it odd that Ii've named my personalities? Perhaps. I don't really care; I like being odd. :D
Ahh, one day when I'm rich and famous (ha! as if!) I'll get us all together and we can hang out in the pubs and clubs and stuff. Great fun!

[pocoyo]

Hehe you're so cool, I'm liking the "even if people are 'acting' or putting on a charade, then that's them." attitude :happy: Puts a few things in a whole new making sense kind of perspective for me.
Thanks me ol' mucka! (In cockney accent hehe).
Lol, Bertie Wooster, very cool! Ve-ery cool indeed.

That's what drives a lot of actors. Everyone has bits of themself that are different from their perceived 'norm' and acting is an 'acceptable' way of bringing those bits out. An actor can be anyone, any time, and that's a great freedom. Yeah totally, I've always loved that. Always been a bit afraid I might get too carried away though... :straightface: Like, imagine getting a part in something (play, film, tv show, whatever) where you were the same person day after day/night after night for a very long time. Would you start losing yourself and becoming that person a bit? Something I've wondered about a lot. Like the other day I was watching a soap where the same guy has been in it for like 30 years or something. I thought "wow, that must be so weird, he's like half him and half the character."
Something related to this that I've wondered is, because I am a performy, actory type person too, who "can be anyone, anytime", perhaps that's why I think I'm a boy.. 'cos I'm sort of using it as an escape.. like a "part." Know what I mean? :hmmm:
By the way it wasn't very nice of that girl to call you fake :( glad you set her straight though.

Is it odd that you've named your personalities? Haha, well I think it's kind of endearing really. A little scary perhaps, but endearing nonetheless. I'm kidding :p Actually I do know what you mean.

Hooray for the lwf's of the world! Where would we be without them? *grin*

Hey "ha, as if" :eek: what kind of an attitude is that young man? Hehehe.
Bring on the fame and riches I say. All in good time, all in good time.

Hehe then when we're rich and famous we'll party like it's 1999!... Wait a minute...

[Abraxas]

Hehe you're so cool, I'm liking the "even if people are 'acting' or putting on a charade, then that's them." attitude :happy: Puts a few things in a whole new making sense kind of perspective for me.

I'm glad (and surprised) you made sense of anything I had to say!


Yeah totally, I've always loved that. Always been a bit afraid I might get too carried away though... :straightface: Like, imagine getting a part in something (play, film, tv show, whatever) where you were the same person day after day/night after night for a very long time. Would you start losing yourself and becoming that person a bit? Something I've wondered about a lot. Like the other day I was watching a soap where the same guy has been in it for like 30 years or something. I thought "wow, that must be so weird, he's like half him and half the character."

I agree. I've wondered about that, too. Like, not even with long-running things necessarily-- but Hugh, in playing House, is filming something like 12 hours a day, five days a week, and when he's not filming, he's probably rehearsing and memorising scripts. But he said that it's impossible to not put some of yourself into your character, and not put some of the character into yourself. So I guess if someone played a character for long enough, they might just become that character. Kind of a scary thought!



Something related to this that I've wondered is, because I am a performy, actory type person too, who "can be anyone, anytime", perhaps that's why I think I'm a boy.. 'cos I'm sort of using it as an escape.. like a "part." Know what I mean? :hmmm:

Yeah, that could be it exactly. Or maybe the real you is the boy bit, and the girl bit could be the performance. That's the way I learnt to look at it for awhile when I was forced into dresses. It was like 'I'm acting, here. I'm playing a girl part.' And that's how I got through it. I suppose you can make anything fun, if you look at it as a challenge or relate it in some way to something you enjoy doing.



By the way it wasn't very nice of that girl to call you fake :( glad you set her straight though.
She's not a very nice person, sometimes. This particular time, it was because of the cane-- she thought I was trying to be House. Okay, so I can see the similarity, and I do love the show, but I genuinely have a leg problem. *shrugs* I don't know what to do with her, apart from let her think what she wants to. She's always mad at somebody, or accusing people of lying or whatever. It's frustrating, but I'm not gonna turn my back on her just because she's confused and doesn't trust people. Best way to make people trust others is to prove that you can be trusted, I think.


Is it odd that you've named your personalities? Haha, well I think it's kind of endearing really. A little scary perhaps, but endearing nonetheless. I'm kidding :p Actually I do know what you mean.
lol well, people with multiple personality disorder have different names for their personalities . . . I don't make people call me by different names or anything. I just feel like I'm innately a different name. I guess just because of the connotations I have with the names or something.




Hey "ha, as if" :eek: what kind of an attitude is that young man? Hehehe.
Bring on the fame and riches I say. All in good time, all in good time.

Hehe then when we're rich and famous we'll party like it's 1999!... Wait a minute...

Well, that's my self-depricating side showing. Although Stephen Fry did say that excessive modesty is a kind of egotism. I just can't do anything right! Haha!

[CaptLex]

Ahh, one day when I'm rich and famous (ha! as if!) I'll get us all together and we can hang out in the pubs and clubs and stuff. Great fun!
I guess that'll be when you sell your script - can't wait. I'm buying! :D

[Felix]

Hey Lisa I know that feeling ya know about feeling uncomfortable with people who don't know me!!!!!!!! I get that feeling alot and I only feel safe around ppl who really know me unless I get a good feeling about them who don't know me.

Pocoyo just wanted ya to know that I did make it up with my parents and they are accepting of my lifestyle choice. There is no way I could tell them now about my gender issues cos it would destroy them as they are old and ill so I keep the peace and feminize myself a little when I visit them. Thanx Pocoyo I can associate with a lot of what you have said and the other guys in here. I feel a lot of what you feel. xx Felix :hugs:

[pocoyo]

I'm glad (and surprised) you made sense of anything I had to say!
Haha! you make a lotta sense.


So I guess if someone played a character for long enough, they might just become that character. Kind of a scary thought!
Very :hmmm:


Yeah, that could be it exactly. Or maybe the real you is the boy bit, and the girl bit could be the performance. That's the way I learnt to look at it for awhile when I was forced into dresses. It was like 'I'm acting, here. I'm playing a girl part.' And that's how I got through it. I suppose you can make anything fun, if you look at it as a challenge or relate it in some way to something you enjoy doing.
Good point (about the making things fun)! Cool attitude indeed. Btw I do often feel like the girly bit is the performance. Not sure though. Wow, it's all so confusing hehe. But hey, I'm learning!


I don't know what to do with her, apart from let her think what she wants to. She's always mad at somebody, or accusing people of lying or whatever. It's frustrating, but I'm not gonna turn my back on her just because she's confused and doesn't trust people. Best way to make people trust others is to prove that you can be trusted, I think.
Sounds like a considerate and sensible attitude to me :happy: :thumbsup:


lol well, people with multiple personality disorder have different names for their personalities . . . Woah.. dude... do you have that? That's gotta be confusing.

I don't make people call me by different names or anything. I just feel like I'm innately a different name. I guess just because of the connotations I have with the names or something.
Yeah I get ya, makes sense!


Well, that's my self-depricating side showing. Although Stephen Fry did say that excessive modesty is a kind of egotism. I just can't do anything right! Haha!
Haha! Bless his royal Fryness :lovestruck: He has a very good point, I don't think it's always true though....ok maybe it is.
Oh dear I know the feeling. Hope I'm not egotistical though. Meep.

Thanks your your replies, you rock :cool:

[pocoyo]

Pocoyo just wanted ya to know that I did make it up with my parents and they are accepting of my lifestyle choice. There is no way I could tell them now about my gender issues cos it would destroy them as they are old and ill so I keep the peace and feminize myself a little when I visit them. Thanx Pocoyo I can associate with a lot of what you have said and the other guys in here. I feel a lot of what you feel. xx Felix :hugs:

Awww I'm so glad you made up with them! :D:D Yes!!
:hugs:

[Abraxas]

I don't think I've got multiple personalities, as such. But who knows, my brain is a complete mess, what with the cyclothymia, OCD, dyslexia, and all that. I'm pretty sure I'm not schizophrenic, because all the voices in my head and invisible people I talk to, I put there on purpose. :D
I don't know a whole lot about MPD though. Who knows, maybe I've got a whole bunch of male personalities floating around in my head, causing all sorts of confusion. Could be, I suppose.

As for dear Mr. Fry's observation, I think it has to do with some peoples' modesty being a cover so people don't think they're egotistical-- it's not low self-esteem, it's self-deprication. These people realise they've got a lot going for them but don't want to seem like they think they're better than anyone so they keep their positive thoughts about themselves hidden. That's where the egotism comes in. But that's just my theory on his theory, I could be wrong.

[pocoyo]

I don't think I've got multiple personalities, as such.
Good!

But who knows, my brain is a complete mess, what with the cyclothymia, OCD, dyslexia, and all that.
You have OCD?! I used to when I was little, still do have it a tiny bit sometimes but way not as severe as when I was little. Thank goodness I grew out of that, bloody miserable that was. I often wonder if it was to do with my TGness! Now I see another TG with OCD I'm wondering even more! What do you think? A lot of my rituals when I was little were about "not being myself".. can you relate? This is getting very interesting 'braxas... ve-ery interesting!


I'm pretty sure I'm not schizophrenic, because all the voices in my head and invisible people I talk to, I put there on purpose. :D
Omg, thank f*ck! I thought I was the only person who had invisible people sometimes which I put there lol! (Like when I'm sort of "playing pretend" with myself like a little kid does, ahem). I think sometimes I have these play fantasy things because in them I get to be a boy.


I don't know a whole lot about MPD though. Who knows, maybe I've got a whole bunch of male personalities floating around in my head, causing all sorts of confusion. Could be, I suppose.
Well.. I hope not! Hopefully it's all just facets of you like what we were discussing in some of the above posts.


These people realise they've got a lot going for them but don't want to seem like they think they're better than anyone so they keep their positive thoughts about themselves hidden.
Lol. I know a girl who goes on excessively about how ugly and horrible she thinks she is but I always get this sense that really she thinks she's great.:hmmm: That infact is the only thing that annoys me about her, apart from that she IS great! Mind you sometimes I do get the sense she means it. Wow, confidence and ego are complex things.

[CaptLex]

You have OCD?! I used to when I was little, still do have it a tiny bit sometimes but way not as severe as when I was little. Thank goodness I grew out of that, bloody miserable that was. I often wonder if it was to do with my TGness! Now I see another TG with OCD I'm wondering even more! What do you think? A lot of my rituals when I was little were about "not being myself".. can you relate? This is getting very interesting 'braxas... ve-ery interesting!
Not to interrupt (too much), but . . . actually, I'm almost sure that either being TG influences OCD or vice versa. We had a post here a while back where most of the guys admitted they have OCD to some degree - I think that's too much coincidence. Ever see the TV show, Monk? I can so relate to that guy. :o

[pocoyo]

Not to interrupt (too much), but . . . actually, I'm almost sure that either being TG influences OCD or vice versa. We had a post here a while back where most of the guys admitted they have OCD to some degree - I think that's too much coincidence. Ever see the TV show, Monk? I can so relate to that guy. :o

Omg you're not interrupting silly!
Wow, you know what? That's so reassuring :bighug: Thankyouthankyouthankyou. :lovestruck: When I was little I felt like such a freak at times. It's so nice to know I'm not. *breathes a rather large sigh of relief from that confused and frightened little kid*.
I think I love you lol! Awww yes, Monk is a cool dude hehe!

:love:

[ubokvt]

http://sandystone.com/trans.shtml Hi guys, sorry for iterupting the flow bit you posts on acting reminded me of this site Its a short read but very insightful and in line with your discussion.
Highly recomend reading the rules for non trans writing about trans.