a relationship, please miss can I have one?

[azure]

Many people take having a relationship, going on a date, sharing your life with someone , for granted. Its not straight forward of course, and straight people have their troubles when it comes to getting together. As transgendered individuals, at each our own points on the transition path, we need love too, and have feelings just like anyone else. Those lovely, heart warming, everso wholesome, revelations on Jerry springer where some poor creature had been duped into revealing to a loved one live on telly to the nation "well....I want to tell you something, I used to be a man...." cue bellowing and whooping of the audience as they bayed for blood. enough said.
My question is, where do we stand, what is the etiquette, is there a correct point at which to share ones past OR, as is my quite stong feeling : it is wrong to hae any sort of realtionship until fully in ones new role, because it is unrealistic to expect a person to deal/cope/assimilate such a relationship into their lives(be specfic azure...oh ok) what I mean is, we may use common sense, and say if you meet a girl, chances are she is likeley to be interested in meeting a guy who can fullfill all the guy attributes she is attracted to, ok maybe there is a risk in generalising, but you can hesitate an educated guess.
A for instance, my case: restarting my transition, not yet living back in role, I am on estrogen hormone patches, and wish to just get on with living as me as soon as possible. However, Im attracted to a woman, I think she likes me, and obviously(with another educated guess) she is attracted to the male atreibutes , like Im a real catch....not. Ive gone over the scenario time and time again, and it plays out badly unless I use the "significantly unlikeley, and deeply unrealisitic,though however quite desirable, yet more probably deluded...scenario... you know the one,its that one where you meet a woman, you get along really well, shes crazy about you, you think shes the best thing since sliced bread, and during an intimate moment she notices you ahve "such smooth clear skin, and breasts shes envious of", and upon that revelation with you waiting for that"please let the ground swallow me up" thing, she (we'll give the poor dear a name) Sharon fixes you with a look of happiness and says thats ok Ive always wanted a relationship like this(good old sharon). Meanwhile back in reality, the cold light of dayleaves us with the continuing debate, Should I or shouldnt I, want/have/expect a relationship, or is there a mysterious , universal, alomost Karmic rule that states, Thou shalt be bleedin lonely, frustrated, angry, that you dont have some poor sod to call you better half, and put up with you dunking your rich tea and watching pathetically as half of it slips below the surface of the PG tips, (you get the picture)

ok talk amongst yourselves, kettles just boiled, two sugars in mine, and none of that skimmed shit : )

Azure x

[CaptLex]

Should I or shouldnt I, want/have/expect a relationship
Oh honey . . . if you can find the answer to this, please clue me in. Having the same issues. :sad:

[crossing-the-rain]

Hi Azure,
Thank you again for both open and private messages.
Rain

[Calliope]

The only thing worse than not 'having a relationship' is having a bad one. Every lonely day today could be a day pined for in the future.

That said, I have no doubt, of all the lonely hearts in the world, TGs have some of the loneliest - and I know your misery as my own.

[Kimberley]

:iagree:

If there was a perfect world, there would be a lot more understanding people on both sides of the equation. In the meantime, we have one another. I can accept platonic for what it is, but you are right, there comes a point when emotionally we have to make a decision. All too often, while it is the right decision, the results are wrong.

:sad:
Kimberley.

[pocoyo]

Hmm, maybe the girl (that you're interested in and seems to like you) just likes you for you. As in, your personality rather than the outward appearance. Could be worth exploring, if it's not too dangerous/awkward?

Personally I have been avoiding relationships and anything like that because I have felt too confused and awkward. Luckily I haven't had any desire to be in a relationship for ages. Would be nice to have someone to kiss and stuff sometimes though... if I was a guy. Bah!

Good luck to you anyway! :happy:

[azure]

its probably just wishful thinking on my part, maybe even selfishness as in what I want, what I need. and asking her for a date will create more problems than it'll solve.

[Lisa Golightly]

Personally I have been avoiding relationships and anything like that because I have felt too confused and awkward. Luckily I haven't had any desire to be in a relationship for ages.

Mine simply implode... Not that I'm bothered anymore.

[Siobhan Marie]

I stay away from relationships as it always ends up opening the proverbial can of worms and to be honest I can do really without the heartache that comes with it. Its not as if I haven't got enough personal problems without me adding to them. Me? I figure I'm better off on my own until I know where I am.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Lauren B]

The only thing worse than not 'having a relationship' is having a bad one. Every lonely day today could be a day pined for in the future.

That said, I have no doubt, of all the lonely hearts in the world, TGs have some of the loneliest - and I know your misery as my own.

Quoted for truth.

If I learned one thing from my failed marriage, is that it's better to be alone than to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.

I know it won't be easy, but my attitude is that I'll be patient. And if that great relationship comes out of my patience, then it'll have been worth it. If it doesn't, it's still better than being in a bad one.

[Scotty]

OMG Lisa I love your new avatar!!


Onto topic.

I've been "Introduced" via email with a woman from an old friend.

This woman is "Moderately" religious and right off the bat that scares me off, not because of anything except TG......

I figure the odds of someone like that being supportive are rare, and on top of that if she rejects it and goes spouting to everyone about me - then that's ugly too.

[Di]

[QUOTE=pocoyo;653464]Hmm, maybe the girl (that you're interested in and seems to like you) just likes you for you. As in, your personality rather than the outward appearance. Could be worth exploring, if it's not too dangerous/awkward?

I agree with what pocoyo has said..........likes you for you.............that can be a good possibilty.............it would'nt hurt to explore it.......it would be much worse to not explore it..........and not really knowing.........I am a romantic...and think there is really someone out there for everyone.........finding.....THE one that will unconditionally love you for you.....is not impossible....Anyways I'd say give it a chance...:hugs:

[~Dee~]

its a hard situation ..
as most know, im lucky in that ive found the love of my life ... and though i havent been through the specific problem that you face ... i go through many many other situations where i feel caught in that "in between" stage ..

and believe me ... i know it sucks.

i can only imagine how it would be to have to deal with that stage in something as big as the matters of the heart ..
and though i agree that no one should enter into a relationship just for the sake of being in one ...
i do believe, on the other hand, that there are chances that should be taken.

afterall .. whats the big problem .. you're TG, thats not to say you are a muderer, any form of abuser, [insert pathetic lowlife here] ..
yes, i agree that it can be a shock and most people find it a hard thing to deal with ..
but its not a shameful thing that you have to avoid contact in case people were to think poorly of you.
im downsizing it of course .. but really, when you come down to it, there are a lot worse things you could be.

if you feel an attraction to someone, then why not follow it? ..
why not at least explore the possibility instead of just giving up on it before it starts. if you start a relationship and you find that its wrong for you, then you can move on and no harm done ..
if it goes a little further, then offering up that you are TG isnt any different from any other "getting to know you" kind of things ..

there are lots of people out there who have lots of different weird and wonderful things about them .. so anyone you meet is going to confess to something or other at one point in time ..
afterall, there are lots of people who have fetishes, phobias, kinks or like robbie williams music.

my point is, just because you are caught in that inbetween at the moment, doesnt mean that you shouldnt have the chance to be happy and in a relationship.
relationships are complicated no matter what you bring into the mix ..
but if you try and it fails and you find yourself out of a relationship again, you only end up being exactly where you started from ... and thats the same place youd be in if you didnt try it to begin with.

you deserve to find love.
if the right thing comes along, then why risk losing it?
just brush up on your communication skills before hand .. :happy:
:2c:

[Sarahgurl371]

The one thing that I have never wanted is to be alone. In my dreams, I have always had this incredible love. This wonderful completeness that I know can come from loving someone, and being loved by them, so completely that nothing else matters. Maybe that never happens. I really want to believe that it can. It is hard enough with "regular" people. Throw in all the TG/TS stuff, and its probably an impossiblity. I still want to believe though.

The arrival of all the TG feelings, or my acknowledgment of them, has cost me the opportunity for that wonderful relationship I have always dreamed of in my marraige. I have read above that its better to be alone than in a relationship simply for the sake of being in one. Maybe that is true. I don't know. That said, its hard to believe that I could ever tell another soul about myself. Its hard to believe in a love so accpeting. I thought I had it already.

I guess that there are two types of people in the world, those who believe in themselves and those who don't. Those who believe in themselves wouldn't ever ask the question "should I tell about myself?" For they believe there is nothing wrong with them. Those (myself included) who ask the question, are ( I think) looking for a relationship to save them, heal them, make them better, Believe In Themselves. And the fact that they need the relationship for those reasons probably means they shouldn't be in one.

I want to get to a place where I am OK with me. Where I love me, for who I am. Then I think my dream is possible. At least that is what I am betting the bank on. Those of you who have already found this place, please tell the rest of us the secret!!!

I swear I don't know where this stuff comes from.

Anyway, I guess the me that doesn't want to be alone, would ask this person out. Try and get to know them without prejudging them (like we accuse them of doing all the time). Hopefully not repeat past mistakes (poor communication), and see where it goes. After all you have to have HOPE.

[Lauren B]

I guess that there are two types of people in the world, those who believe in themselves and those who don't. Those who believe in themselves wouldn't ever ask the question "should I tell about myself?" For they believe there is nothing wrong with them. Those (myself included) who ask the question, are ( I think) looking for a relationship to save them, heal them, make them better, Believe In Themselves. And the fact that they need the relationship for those reasons probably means they shouldn't be in one.

I want to get to a place where I am OK with me. Where I love me, for who I am. Then I think my dream is possible. At least that is what I am betting the bank on. Those of you who have already found this place, please tell the rest of us the secret!!!



I'm so sorry about the loss (or loss of quality?) of your marriage. I think TG issues had only a small part to play in my marriage ending, but it did play a part. I even disclosed before I was married, too, but that's a topic for another thread.

I wholeheartedly agree with your point that you need to be in a relationship for the right reasons. You have to already be secure with yourself, and have found your happiness from within. Once you have that, then you have something to offer another person, and you have something to bring into a new relationship. When you are getting into a relationship seeking some kind of validation, it won't work. It might be sooner, or it might be later, but that kind of relationship is a house of cards, and it won't last. And when you're deep into a relationship, it can be hard to be honest with yourself about which category yours is REALLY in.

I hope with everything that I have that I find that place, too.

[MJ]

well this is interesting . i was just talking with a friend " gg " about my need to be in a relationship .. its been two years.. before my hrt everything was cut and dry any gg will do .. but now it seems everything is Grey have any of you gone through this Grey time my logic as gone i am a ts but i have feelings so thanks to hrt i have feelings for guys now what the hell ...
a. i have never been with a guy my logic says ewww :eek: but my feelings are there !!! however after living 43 years as a guy i know what to do with a gg however my logic again..
b. if i go with a gg that puts my transsexual state in to doubt ? in my mind .. therefore i want nothing to do with either sexes so i end up with nothing which is not want i want so i just keep on swimming through the Grey area until it becomes clear.. but man i feel like a woman ER "gg"
you know i just wish i could delete all the Grey files. but i cant so to be honest with you i think it sucks never was a man .. but not quite a woman ether i am stuck in a feedback loop playing over and over ..
scared to be with a guy or girl and to afraid to love or open my heart to someone in fear it will break again ... sorry about my rant i hope it makes sense thanks ...hugs Marissa

[Kimberley]

MJ, it makes perfect sense. Transition is just that, transition. These feelings are not new to people in transition but neither are they a guarantee. You will find your way, on your own time and terms. Be patient because when it is all said and done, I have to believe this will be a non issue for you.

You really are a great lady and that shines through.

:hugs:
Kimberley