I need to find out more information on this / I was the newbie that posted last night

[msthighhigh]

About 5 years ago, I walked in on my husband, fully dressed as a woman. I was shocked, as I guess many people are the first time they see it. I have never seen this since. He 'swore' to me it was just a 'thing' and that he threw the clothes away. Well, I knew in my mind, that it couldn't be just a 'thing'. He had to still be doing this. I kinda blocked it out for the last couple of years, but recently, I found a size 10 shoe box; and I don't wear size 10 shoes. Yes, I snooped, and finally found 'the stash'.

Being honest here, I am at loss at trying to understand it; however, I love him dearly and wouldn't leave him for anything. I feel like I need to 'confront' him so he purposely doesn't hide it from me, but don't want him to know I snooped around and found his hiding place and the key.

How should I approach this with him?

Thanks so much for your help.

[Kate Simmons]

There are a lot of deep feelings involved in this Hon. I can tell you about feelings on this side of the fence but think I will defer and let other folks give you their experiences. The GG's on this site are good ladies to talk to as they have SO's who are crossdressers and they are very understanding and work together with their SO's to make it a positive thing for both parties. I know what your husband is going through as I was there. I will say this. It basically has nothing to do with his feelings for you. He has to work it out. It would be nicer if you worked it out together but you both have to want to. Feel free to PM me any time but see what the other folks have to say.:happy: Ericka Kay

[rosiegurl]

would say been careful is the key step here. jumping him one day annoucing you found his stash is most likely gonna give him a heart attack at the least *grins*

but then again, been to cautious with it runs a risk aswell, men are notoriously bad at picking up hints, and I especially include myself in that, as my SO will agree to *grins*

remember, however you announce it, he is gonna be shocked and scared at your possible reaction to it. best way would be comferting, like maybe buy him a peice of lingerie for his birthday, or just as a suprise for him one day.

no one can really tell you where he "fits" in to all of this other then him, there are so many different types of CD it's almost silly *grins*

trust me on this, he will be more relieved at you finally knowing and not blowing up at him than upset at you finding his stash. I'm sure all the ones that are in the closet to their wives here will attest that they would be greatly relieved at been able to get rid of the lie in their lives, I know I was when I was finally able to with my ex

[Courtney A Anderson]

This isn't an easy problem to solve, But, you could try talk it over, show him you care, and that you still love him. Maybe even help him.. with shopping, make up tips, ect. Chirstmas is coming it's always a good time of year for sharing. Talk to each other, It's the first step.. Good luck.. glad you came.:2c:

[vbcdgrl]

If the hiding place is in your house, you can say you came across it by accident, and, since it was locked, your curiosity got the best of you.
If you are sincere about sticking with your CDing SO, tell him so,
but set some boundaries that you can live with.

Vikki

[Sweet Jane]

Hi

I get the feeling that you don't really approve of this, but you do love him so you will tolerate it if he doesn't do it behind your back.

I think you need you have "the talk" and let him know that he can be a little less covert. You will have to decide what part, if any, you want to have in his crossdressing, and of course he should also say how comfortable he is in you having any part in it. I have read some horror stories here where a crossdresser has gone overboard when his wife has approved. Be very sure in your heart and mind on your involvement or lack of.

I do applaud your attitude. From my experience this crossdressing is as much of an embarrassment to me as it would be possibly for you. I don't know why I do it, but since I was about 8, I have. It's wierd and really I have no rational explanation. I would rather I never, but there you go, I still do!!! So I suppose I'm saying that you shouldn't necessarily get an answer to a why question. All I know is that I am 100% hetero, in love and monogamous.

Anyway, good luck and I'm sure you will get a lot of help here. I have.

[Holly]

...however, I love him dearly and wouldn't leave him for anything. I feel like I need to 'confront' him so he purposely doesn't hide it from me, but don't want him to know I snooped around and found his hiding place and the key...Hi Msthighhigh. First of all, :welcom: We're glad that you're here. I hope that you will find the answers and the support here that you are seeking. Judging from your quote above, I think you're going to make it. That kind and that intensity of love works miracles. You DO need to talk to your husband (don't confront him). Begin by telling him how much you love him and that it is important for the two of you to trust one another with your most intimate feelings. Tell him you discovered the shoe box, and that discovery lead to your discovery of "the stash." Explain to him that you want to understand it but he needs to be up front and honest with you. And you need to share with him what your concerns and fears are.

I can guarantee you this much; he is every bit as much frightened as you are. His greatest fear is losing you. I'm not in any way condoning his hiding this from you; it was wrong of him to do so. But I can understand it. I hid it from my wife for years and years. I finally could stand it no longer and I bared my soul to her. In just a couple of weeks we will celebrate our 38th anniversary. From my perspective, we are happier now than we have ever been. This whole thing (cross dressing) taught us that we can trust one another with anything! If you both want it to work, you will find your way. There are literally thousands of people here who are cheering for your success! :cheer: Let us know how we can help either of you.

[Catherine in Colo]

Hi Msthighhigh,

Everyone so far is correct - this is a very delicate situation, and it's wonderful that you are considerate of his feelings in this case. The fact is though, that no matter how you approach him with this topic, he's going to suspect that you already know that he's still dressing in secret. Of course he'll be far more embarrassed, and possibly more defensive, if you just come out and tell him you found his stash. But in the end, he'll end up knowing for certain that you did, and it's probably best to tell him so at some point - maybe not in your first conversation, but definitely at some point, for the sake of honesty and openness.

As others have suggested, the key is to communicate to him as early as possible that you still love him, won't leave him, and will try to work through this, assuming that to be the case, as it sounds from your post. As you likely already know, he's probably ashamed that he's not able to stop, and feels guilty that he's doing it behind your back. You were correct in knowing early on that this wouldn't stop, and you're already ahead of many wives in understanding that.

It's also important to remember that he's probably been dealing with this his whole life, and has kept it inside his whole life, so it will be very difficult for him to start talking about it with you and to share it with you. By the same token, it will be important for him to understand that this is (mostly) new to you, and that what's he's spent his entire life figuring out and dealing with, you will just now be getting exposure to. So while it's always nice to make a small gesture of support as suggested before, don't do any more than you are comfortable doing at any given time. On his end, it'll be very easy, now that he'll be "out" and accepted, for him to push the envelope and try to do too much, too fast, and hopefully he'll understand that danger.

I hope that helps! This forum is a wonderful resource, and everyone here is wonderful, so don't hesitate to ask us anything!

Best of luck!
Renee

[DonnaT]

Sit down near him and set the shoe box between you, then start the conversation with: "You remember, back when I caught you dressed as a woman; and you 'swore' to me it was just a 'thing' and that you threw the clothes away? Well, I knew in my mind, that it couldn't be just a 'thing'."

Wait for his response.

"Well, I've been doing some study on it, and it seems to confirm that it couldn't be just a 'thing'. I love you dearly and wouldn't leave you for anything, I just want you to be honest and not hide your cross dressing from me, please."

[Joy Carter]

Well MsT H your at least looking in the right place for some answerers. Give your self some time to absorb the information here. Do a search into the archives and read them. Then by all means get into the GG forum so you can get new views from another woman's perspective. He's not a bad man he's just a CD like us. Then maybe you will be able to talk to and understand him. I give you much credit for coming here.

Joy Carter :hugs:

[Angie G]

Don't talk about his stash if its ok with you that he dresses talk about that day you seen him and ask if he still wishs to dress and if so its ok with you.
You may find if nice to have someone to shop with :hugs:
Angie

[linnea]

If you feel that you can tolerate what he's been doing, then I think that you should tell him just what happened. Acknowledge that you've been suspicious; that's not a terrible thing. After all, his behavior probably encouraged suspicion, even in an otherwise trusting relationship. Again, I'm saying this with the idea in mind that you will at least tolerate his dressing. And with that in mind, I think that it's best if you just bring it out honestly and give him the opportunity to respond honestly. I would hope that he would acknowledge that he has been dressing secretly and agree with you that this should be something that you deal with openingly. If it were me, I'm sure that I would be embarassed but very relieved that you weren't going to demand that I leave or that you would not be in any way accepting.
I think that there are probably a lot of CDs who would like to be discovered by their SOs, but they would like to have acceptance and maybe even support and maybe even encouragement.:2c:

[Sally2005]

Tell him the truth. That you found some shoes (you could probably leave out the stash if you really had to hunt for it). Then tell him that you want to learn more about it. Don't pressure him for answers why he does it because he may not know himself. I hope you both can find a way to enjoy it since it is something that probably will not go away and if you can be open about it all the better, but respect his privacy if he wants to keep it that way.

[Sheila]

Hi Msthighhigh. First of all, :welcom: You DO need to talk to your husband (don't confront him). Begin by telling him how much you love him and that it is important for the two of you to trust one another with your most intimate feelings. Tell him you discovered the shoe box, and that discovery lead to your discovery of "the stash." Explain to him that you want to understand it but he needs to be up front and honest with you. And you need to share with him what your concerns and fears are.

I can guarantee you this much; he is every bit as much frightened as you are. His greatest fear is losing you. I'm not in any way condoning his hiding this from you; it was wrong of him to do so. But I can understand it.
If you both want it to work, you will find your way. There are literally thousands of people here who are cheering for your success! :cheer: Let us know how we can help either of you.


:iagree: and if he goes into silent mode after you talk to him about your discovery please please don't Panic, my partner did that --- he had to get his head round the fact that I knew and didn't go running off screaming pervert or run out telling all our friends and neighbours ----I only found out about my partner 4 months ago being a cdr after having lived with him for over 2 years(he has been cding for over 20 years).

4 months later while we have had our moments, both good and bad we are still together, still loving each other.

Perhaps you could have the address of this forum for him to come and take a look at, that way he will be able to see that he is not alone in this and that there are wives and partners that stay with their husbands even after finding out that they cd, it may also convince him that YOU are NOT going to run screaming from him

Good luck and please let us know how you both get on

Jess

[GraceUSA]

One of the reasons I hide being a CD from my family and close friends is a fear of rejection. I love my family and friends, I don't want to disappoint them nor do I want them to be uncomfortable around me. There is also some very deep seated shame as well that is very hard to get rid of, no matter how hard I try to ignore the socialital pressures.

I don't know how you should approach this, but do make sure you let him know you love him no matter what.

[rickie121x]

.... try talk it over, show him you care, and that you still love him. Maybe even help him.. with shopping, make up tips, ect. Chirstmas ... good time of year for sharing. Talk to each other, It's the first step.. ... I think this is one of the most realistic of all of the suggestions to date. To start by recollecting that original circumstance and to say that it has been on your mind a lot, (I would say this is indeed the truth!) and to follow by reaffirming your love and your intended goal is to stay with him should ease his mind a great deal. It is a fact that he is more disturbed by this than you are - I know from experience!

I have had ladies in my life who were just great about my dressing when we could go to our BDSM parties - but wanted nothing to do with it if I wanted to dress casually around the house. There were others who were fine with it during love play, but again it was not OK on an everyday basis. What I see here is that as a "costume play" and as a "sexual excitation", it was OK, but that it took away from the manhood of the "MAN" that she married. ... that makes sense to me - for instance, I could be delighted if she were to occasionally want to be sensual/sexual in a "playboy bunny" costume, but it would be just ridiculous to be worn much more than on that occasion.

I do so hope that your warmth and love will make this very necessary confrontation work out for the best. Also I am sure that a fine woman, as yourself, will carry it off properly.

Rickie :doll:

[noname]

I'm sure walking in on him was a shock. Anything we are not familiar that catches us off guard can be shocking. It sounds as if you definately want to talk to him since you found the clothes he was hiding. I can't say how to approach him and you'll probably know best as you are married to him. I would like to say though, there is probably a good chance he may get defensive. It's something the two of you will have to work out. Your also probably wonder why? Truth is, he may not even know. It could be a variety of reasons, perhaps he's just curious or an real artsy person, or just doing some self searching.

noname

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

i think when you read posts hun "COMMUNICATION" is the main thing. when i was told by my b/f he c/d i was totaly :eek: it took a few minutes to sink in, THEN we started talking, i asked quite alot of questions etc, (wouldnt get off phone till id had some answers to my questions about his c/d ).
you have had a massive shock, and the key word you have used is "I LOVE HIM DEARLY". thats the first starting block hun. so, find a quite time, when you can sit down, hold his hand , take a deep breath..... then start to talk it through with each other. by joining this forum you have taken ur first step to understanding. theres some amazing people on this forum, all with excellant advice :happy: thats how i learnt/am learning to understand/deal with it, plus u get to make some really good friends as well :love:
hope that things sort themselves out ?:love: we are here if you need us :thumbsup:

[Satrana]

Just tell him you read an article somewhere about crossdressing and you were reminded of the prior incident and thought it was time to properly deal with it.

The key thing here is to understand he has kept this a secret because he fears you will think he is a pervert and will divorce him. You must reassure him that is not the case if you want him to open up.

The other thing you must do is educate yourself about crossdressing and what it really is about and throw out any pre-conceived ideas you may have on the subject. Once you understand how widespread this is, and how crossdressing is just a tool for a man to express his feminine side, you can communicate your new understanding to him which will doubly reassure him that it is ok to end the secrecy and step out of the cupboard. He will still be very scared, even more so than you are believe it or not. Be prepared for an emotional rollercoater ride for the next few weeks/months.

Just always bear in mind that crossdressing is a method of self-expression, it is not a statement about you, your marriage, your/his sexuality, his love for you etc. In a more tolerant society it would not even be an issue at all, about as mundane as you wearing a pair of jeans. Both of you think crossdressing is a mountain when it is really just a molehill. Perception is everything.

Good luck! :love:

[Sandra]

You need to talk to him otherwise it is just going to eat away at you. Just take it slow with him tell you you have found his things and that you are trying to understand but you need his help as well. Explain that you don't want him to hide from you and that you do love him.

I would also suggest that when you have reached 10 posts required you may like to join the GG forum here, were support and help each other.

[Lady Jayne]

About 5 years ago, I walked in on my husband, fully dressed as a woman. I was shocked, as I guess many people are the first time they see it. I have never seen this since. He 'swore' to me it was just a 'thing' and that he threw the clothes away. Well, I knew in my mind, that it couldn't be just a 'thing'. He had to still be doing this. I kinda blocked it out for the last couple of years, but recently, I found a size 10 shoe box; and I don't wear size 10 shoes. Yes, I snooped, and finally found 'the stash'.

Being honest here, I am at loss at trying to understand it; however, I love him dearly and wouldn't leave him for anything. I feel like I need to 'confront' him so he purposely doesn't hide it from me, but don't want him to know I snooped around and found his hiding place and the key.



The biggest fear about being caught is that we will be ridiculed or rejected, As you say, you love him and would never leave him you just want to try to understand. So the question is how to get that message across, I would like to say just print this thread out and leave it for him but I am not sure if he would be worried about you speaking to other people about something so personal so I am thinking if you could get the same message across in a letter and leave it for him when he has time to read it and digest what your saying once the initial panic has eased I am sure he
will be realise that your snooping was understandable and he will be happy that his secret is finally out. Don't expect him to be able to talk about it imediatly though and don't expect him to be able to explain why he does it he probably doesn't know himself.

one final thing you should be very proud of yourself for being willing to try and understand that in it's self makes you quite a special person.:thumbsup:

[AnnaMaria]

First and most importantly you need to make sure that he knows that you love him no matter what, and that you are not going to leave him just because he might be different than what the people around you might think. Second is to not lie about the situation at all, not even a lie of omission. There is nothing that can do more harm than a lie no matter how good the intention is.

The two of you need to talk about this and you need to make sure that it is a calm and collected conversation and not a screaming match. You need to make sure he understands how you feel about the situation and about him overall.

But, as you begin to think about how to talk to him about this keep a few things in mind. Gender identity has nothing to do with sex, or sexual preference that is the most common mistake people make about the tg community. He is just as terrified about you finding out about this as you are to realize that the "man" you married is not who you thought he was.

But, on this point I have to let you in on a little secret. If he is anything like me I can tell you for sure that you fell in love with her just as much as him. Because if he knows anything at all about who is really is then he has learned that in order to keep from going crazy he has had to learn to blend the two seperate personna's into one working personallity. No we are not suffering from mulitply personallity disorder, though if you start to read some of the posts here you might think so from the way some of the posts read.

But, above all you have to make sure that there is love, honesty, and calmness in your voice and in your heart when you talk to him. And remember actions speak louder than words. If you act hostle toward him about this he is going to responed in kind. He may not want to talk about it right away, he may want some time to absorb the fact that you know about her and that you are willing to at least discuss it calmly. That in itself will easy the tension between the two of you and make things easier.

Last but not by any means least remember there is no why? when it comes to the reason we do this. No one knows for sure why, or what causes it for that matter. It's kind of like asking why someone is right handed rather than left, or why someone else likes blue instead of green. Ask all the questions you want, just keep in mind that he is only going to answer the ones that he is ready for and the ones that he actually knows the answers to so don't expect miracles during the first tallk.

And above all make sure that you allow enough quiet time for the discussion no interuptions. Take the phone off the hook. Turn off the cell phones, shut down the computers and turn off the radio or tv. No distractions at all, and plan on no less than two hours for it and if it takes longer then find and if you don't spend that much time that is fine to as long as both of you know that you have plenty of time to talk undisturbed.

Sorry this is so long. Good luck and if you have any other questions just let one of us know. Though I would recommend that you seek out the help of one of the other gg's in the group to get advice from because she will be able to give you her prespective as the so that we as tg's can not readily see.

Anna

[suzy]

Msthighhigh,

You have a lot to digest here....

My suggestion is to print out this thread and then have "the talk." Holly is right on!! Have the talk, and simply be open and as honest as you can be... no more secrets between either of you from this point forward. You have the necessary ingredients to make this become a loving and blissful relationship beyond anything it has been to this point..... working for me!:love:

[uknowhoo]

Most of what I'd've offered has already been well said by others.

Let me just give you a big :hugs: and thank you for taking the big step of coming here to gain understanding and support. We're always here for you, and your husband.

Take care, and best wishes.

xoxo

Tammi

[Amy Hepker]

I would say confront him about it when you have time to talk to him about it. Let him know that you found it and how. Let him know that you don't want him to hide it. Talk, talk, talk, Be ready to listen. I will say this much, we as CDers have a tendancy to go overboard when we find out we will be accepted. You need to take charge of it and let him know that he is to ask before buying any new items, other wise you may lose closet space fast. It all depends on how much you will accept him doing this. You have to feel good about it yourself. CDers can be so much fun if the real Ladies will let us be ourselves. I am not saying let him go out in public, that is between you and him, more you as to what you will accept. Lay down the ground rules and don't feel like you are controling him, you are trying to be on even ground with him. YOU have to be comfortable with the CDing. Just Talk and find out what he wants. You may open him up like you never thought you could. You may get along better. It helps when both side can be happy with Crossdressing. Myself, I always feel that I want to share my other side with my Lady, she is still a little leary though.

[Janailene]

The others have given the best advice - communicate and then communicate some more. Probably he has been hiding this since being a small child. I did from the age of 5.

May I suggest that you do not bring up his shoes or stash. Very intimidating, and he will tell you he will throw the stuff away and will be embarrased. Much better to mention you found this site (BTW how did you find us?) and got curious, finding out that most CDs are straight and family oriented. I can tell him that it is not easy - as he knows- but having a tolerant wife can help a lot. Suggest you set up some giudelines - frequency of dressing, amount of money spent, going out and who else (if anyone) should know or might find out.

BTW I would bet dollars to donuts that his Mom knows even though he probably does not think so.

[melissaK]

What everyone else said is right . . . . These people (cross dressers, transgendered, genetic girl significant others) have been there and done that . . . and after you live with this aspect in your life for a few years you could revisit this thread and I think you would be awed at how "right" some of the advice was, and how insightful it was.

Some of us like to learn from books, if you are such a person try Arlene Lev's "Transgender Emergence" (2004). It covers the gamut of cross dressing to transexuals, with history, top notch up to date footnotes, and very little advocacy of any "agenda." Still, after you read such a book, you can come back to this thread and you will see these girls' posts are awfully good.

And, my last 2 cents, I think us gender benders make darn good companions, we tend to be caring, sensitive, and tolerant . . . I hope you can hang on to yours.

[princessmichelle]

Ms. thighhigh,

I agree with Holly's post (#7): he's afraid of losing you.

His deception probably isn't working for him, either, he probably feels guilty about it, or ashamed.

But crossdressing isn't going away for him, or at least that's the consensus among both academics and crossdressers. Maybe the first time you discovered him crossdressed he believed he could stop, but over time discovered otherwise. Crossdressers tend to lie about their crossdressing for two reasons: fear of losing the woman they love, and denial that their crossdressing can go away. Sometimes its also shame about crossdressing.

Being lied to is not a good feeling. But starting a dialog is difficult because it's embarrasing stuff AND there's this threat of "will it hurt our relationship". But ultimately I feel that dialog is better for both people than deception and simmering anger.

Good luck.

Michelle

[KimberlyS]

Hi Msthighhigh, I think all of us CDers look up the the wifes and girlfriends that find out by accident and do not go running off. You have already gotten some great advice from others here. But only you and your husband are the ones that can get through this. And while it will not be easy, open communication and learning for the both of you can get you through this.

For many of us CDers it is very hard for us to open up to our spouse on this subject because of the fear, shame, and self degregration we have had most of our lives about this part of us. Too much of the information people base there opinions of CDers on comes from the TV news and little TV news is good news. If you have not already figured it out, a lot of society is not very accepting of CDers. But I will clarify this and add that many are more accepting of CDers if they are not directly tied to them, as in a spouse, child, parent or other family member or close friends.

You and your husband can get through this and you have already made huge progress towards that yourself but looking for information in stead of ignoring it or running from it.

Communication with your husband, Learning together, and continuous Communication, Communication, Communication will get you through it. And communication is two sided and you may need to remind your husband this. If he will not communicate openly show him this whole thread. What you will accept, tolerate and participate in along with what your husband needs, wants, and is willing to do, is something the two of you will need to work out through your communication.

Take Care,

KimberlyS-CD

[Kate Simmons]

When you do decide to talk to him, you need to let him know you are trying to understand his need to do this and understand his feelings.However, You also need to address your feelings and needs in relation to his being your husband. You need to be assured that he is there for you as much as you are there for him. Understanding won't happen overnight but if you work together and are honest with each other, you should be fine. I wish you both well.:happy: Ericka Kay

[Diana West]

Being new here myself, I don't feel that I can offer you any decent advice.

Just read the various other threads/posts in the entire forum.
It should give you some insight as to how to handle it and allay some of your fears that you may be having.

Being a crossdresser, I had a lot of questions about myself. Then I happened upon this site only about a week ago and it has helped me.

Maybe you both should peruse this forum together?

[Beckii_aCDInOz]

Hi msthighhigh,

You've taken a really BIG step forward in posting this and of course joining the forum. It's obvious that you do care & love your husband and to me that's a really good start to finding out about CD'ing and what it means to both of you in your relationship.

Reading your post brought back a few memories for me and although I think your post has been answered extremely well by the other girls, I thought I add a couple of my own feelings towards this topic & your question/s.

My SO is a newbie like yourself (I simple came out with it, then again I had a positive feeling she'd be cool about it & she was). Still that's another topic.

However you choose to handle things, please take some time to think about what your going to say & or do.

Maybe taking some time out to have a heart to heart with him maybe good for both of you.

I know it's hard, I've seen the tears, confusion & self doubt from my SO about her own place in my CD'ing, no matter how many times I re-assure here that I'm still head over heels *grin* in love with her the emotions are still pretty raw. I guess from a woman's perspective it comes as a shock to know that your SO likes to CD.

From a guys (that's me) perspective who is also a CD and has had the desire to wear ladies clothes since I was 12, it's been one of the loneliest experiences I've had to deal with for most of my adult life.

On one had you go thru (least I did) a mental roller coaster whilst on the other you try to squash the desire to dress. Unfortunately the later catches up with you and your left to dress & fulfil your desire to CD in secrecy.

What I'm trying to say, is I felt ashamed of what I was doing, but couldn't stop it as I felt it was something I needed to keep doing to feel ok.

I'm going to leave this post soon, but, a couple of things I'd try to avoid:

Try to be as gentle as possible, I know your probably hurting just as much as you husband is, but please try not to come over as being judgemental or confronting. I think taking things easy & being understanding even though you may not understand the CD'ing is a positive move forward.

I'd be letting him know that although you may not understand the CD'ing, you are there for him. If he knows that your willing to enter into a sincere dialog about his CD'ing then this maybe the key that opens him up and you can both expand on that.

I think & feel the most important thing in this type of issue is trust.

Knowing that both of you can be totally trusting of the other in regards to sharing your feelings and thoughts on this topic will in my opinion lead to not only a stronger more intimate relationship, but you'll both start to experience a calm.

Please take care of you and by all means the GG's here are here to support you, so please spend time asking questions, posting feelings about how your coping (or not) and take it from there.


:)

beckii

[Beckii_aCDInOz]

Maybe you both should peruse this forum together?


:clap: :clap: :clap:

What a fantastic suggestion janis_en_femme :thumbsup:

Definitely as positive catalyst for Pandora!

[Penny]

First of all, get him a card that you feel explains how you feel about him. Get a humorus card if he has a sense of humor. Oherwise, get a serious card. He is going to want to know why he got the card. Tell him straight on. Tell him you know and remind him of the past esperience and you pretty much figured it out. How you found out is not important. When you go from here is everything. Deep in his heart, you are so very important to him and he has been afraid of loosing you or he would have told you. You love him and he loves you and if you are open to him, he will open to you. Ain't love grand. It's the most powerful force there is.

:hugs:

Penny

[Kerry Owens]

communicate, communicate communicate! Talk! I can't even begin to emphasize that sufficiently!
Without the sitting down and seriously talking over the whole ball of wax...it is just going to fester and poison the situation. By talking it over, you both learn and benefit. His reading here and with you, again you both benefit.
Don't discount the GG forum for yourself, 10 posts, you can join over there and together with others settle down the hardest part of the equation, feeling like you're the lone ranger, panic and emotions about being a SO of a CD. You find out you are not alone, panic isn't necessary and that understanding beats the heck out of rejecting.
The first reactions are the hardest, but once you're past them you both can grow.

[krisinpink]

Very well said Penny!

[Glenda58]

I'm not the best one to give advice but I found a book that I'm reading now. MY HUSBAND BETTY by HELEN BOYD. I'm finding things about myself that I didn't understand. Maybe it could help both you and her/him. But like most of the posts you both need to talk. Remember that you love him and this is what makes him that person without it you might not like him.:love:

[tekla west]

Read a lot of stuff, and read a lot of the different posts in here on all sorts of subjects, and you will find that it is all more or less true, more or less. We are all different people, and we do this in different ways, it means different things, and at that it changes over time. There is no one way. No "one kind of tranny." Like the AA/NA people say "Hang out long enough and you will hear your story." That implies that there are lots and lots of stories. So don't panic on every thing and wonder if that is him or if that is what he wants to do, or where he is going. Only he can tell you that. But coming into the conversation with an understanding will only help.

[msthighhigh]

I want to sincerly thank you all for your replies. I had to go quickly last night; as soon as I posted, my husband came in the driveway...

I don't know if I'm really ready to discuss this with him, though I know I have to soon, because it is really weighing on my mind. I have a lot of emotions right now. 1. I do love him, and wouldn't leave him. However, honestly, at the present time, now that I have seen his stockpile of dresses, shoes, bras, nylons, etc., it is sort of hard to look at him in a 'manly' way. (Please, I really really don't mean to offend anyone here, because I really am needing to talk to someone who does this and can offer some light). I can't help the way I feel about that, and I am afraid that if I bring this up right now at this time, he'll be hurt. I talked it over with myself in the car on the way home from work. I think I know how I'll approach it, but when, I don't know (but soon). It has to be a time where the kids are asleep or somewhere else, and I can get up the nerve to bring it up.

I'll be popping in from time to time, I hope that's Ok, to discuss more and to try to come to terms with it.

The first time I saw him in dress, it was such a shock it was like 2 months before I could be close to him again. I have purposely blocked it out of my mind, but it comes back from time to time. Just recently, when I found ALL the stuff, it brought back those feelings which I am struggling with now.

I have no desire to leave him. And would never...I am just trying to struggle with something that has obviously been a part of his life for some time, but even after 15 years of knowing him, I had no idea this part of his life existed.

Thanks so much for listening....

[Glenda58]

Go back to your first post there are many more replies there.

[Kate Simmons]

Post whenever you are ready, Hon. We're not going anywhere.Just take everything here on advisement. You are the one who knows your husband best. As most have said, it takes time to understand all of this. You just have to take things slow. From what you have said, you love him and he loves you. That's the important thing as is your family. In my case, I kept Ericka on the "back burner" while my children were growing up. They needed their Father after all. Now that they are all grown and gone, I had time to explore myself. My wife has never accepted my femme self and now we are apart. If I had the support here then, we could quite possibly have remained together. If even only one couple benefits from all the insight, it will have been well worth it. I'm hoping things work out for you both. :happy: Ericka Kay

[Stlalice]

As long as you are trying to learn about and further understand your husbands need to cross dress you will find that everyone here is likely to be helpful and sympathetic. One thought that may help you in dealing with viewing your husband in a "manly" way - the vast majority of CD's are hetero males who have no need or desire to transition to living as female. What they do have is a feminine side to their personality that they need to express from time to time. It is a "hard wired" part of their personality that does not change or go away. Your acceptance and support will likely mean an even stronger relationship down the road. Hang in there and feel free to ask questions as needed. :2c:

[Holly]

Sweetie, we'll be here whenever you're ready. But I can't emphasize enough that it is you and your husband that need to do the talking. You know that. As CDer's we have a vested interest in your success; for every SO that can come to terms with her partner's cross dressing, it is proof positive that we are capable of being loved for who we are. You may or may not believe this, but it is very likely that the man you fell in love with was shaped by his desire to experience feminine things. It may sound crazy to you at the moment, but if your husband is considerate, if he is passionate, if he is emotional, if he is gentle, then it's quite possibly due to his cross dressing.

I know the task at hand is daunting, having that talk. But wouldn't it make for a more joyous holiday to have the healing process in motion? From a cross dressers point of view, I could not think of a better Christmas gift than to hear my SO say, "I know everything there is to know about you and I love you more now than ever before in my life." Of course, I think any partner would like to hear those words! :D . We're pulling for both of you!

[Janelle Young]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

This is not the time of year to bring this issue up. You stated you have known this person for 15 years and for 5 years you have known he has dressed. Surely four or five weeks more before you address this will not be a major burden to you. The Holidays are not a good time to bring up a relationship issue like this, IMHO.

Wait until the first of the year. That will let the holidays in future years be a nice time for everyone and it will give you more time to decide what and how you say what you need to say to him.

[KimberlyS]

Msthighhigh, One thing that helped my wife and I communicate at times was we would write letters to each other. This allowed the writer to put down their thoughts and not loose them while trying to talk about them. And the letters do not have to be perfect. And actually usually ours were far from that, and mine were usually just periods of time that thoughts would flow and I would write them down as they flowed. So the letter usually became a mish mash of thoughts and other information that I wanted to tell my wife.

Another way some spouses have broke the ice was to lay some of the CDers things on the bed for them to find. Some times this works and other times it does not and other times it made things worse.

Only you know your husband and may have a feel on how to approach and talk with him.

We are here if you need us. And for your husband also.

KimberlyS-CD

[Jenny Beth]

Everyone here to agrees on one thing, you need to talk about this together. It certainly won't be easy for either of you but I can tell you he probably doesn't have all the answers as to why he dresses. It's fair to say a good number of us here have taken years to accept this part of ourselves after years of guilt and shame so I don't expect it will be easy for him to be open at first. I'm glad to hear you still love him, in time you will get through this but there has to be a lot of give and take from both of you. You have found a great place to learn about this lifestyle. One thing to keep in mind though is that maybe he's a member here, if not he can find support here too. I wish you both the best.

[Kimmie W]

My wife found about about my "other side" pretty much the same way you found out about your husbands. I know it isn't easy, but there is an upside if you communicate. We have been married for nearly 25 years and have never been closer. We have known tough times, but finally getting "this" into the open has drawn us closer.

We've talked how to deal with it, the kids, etc., and now we're finally in a good place. The first time I came out to her was a horror for both of us. Trust me, if you truly love each other this will only strengthen your love.

He's still the same man you met, loved and married. You just know ALL about him now.

Good luck and welcome to our forum.:love:

[vbcdgrl]

I had this long replay written, then I got dumped off the net. Weird. Anyway, I read Stlalice's post and pretty much agree with her.
But, my main point is, think of yourself and what this means to your life.
By the way, I like thigh highs too.

Vikki

[princessmichelle]

Ms Thighhigh:

You are the boss. You can ask for our opinions, but you are the one who decides what's worth listening to.

As a male crossdresser, I'll even say: yes, being a guy who wears female clothes _is_ weird. Shame. Denial. Fear. Complicated.

Take your time. And ignore what I say if it doesn't make sense, because

you are in charge.

Michelle

[Amy Hepker]

Hi again,
I wrote to you last night and I will again. I will just say that I have ridded myself of my Female clothing on a couple of ocations trying to please a Female. It never did please the girl, she would leave and I ended up buying more. Please try to understand. He is not doing it to hurt you in anyway. This is something that has probably been with him most of his life. Always hiding it, and afraid of being caught. Please try to understand him, give him the chance he needs, you both need. I am sorry if you feel uncomfortable about it. Only you know what you will accept.

[melissacd]

msthighhigh,

This is a wonderful place to learn more about all of this. You will find many stories here that will help you to better understand who we are. We understand that it is a shock for you to find out about this the way that you did and it is something that you will need to discuss with yor husband. I am sure that once he gets past his own shock about you raising the subject that he may well surprise you with how he opens up about it.

The important things are:

- you recognize it is not just a thing, it is a part of who he is
- you are reaching out to try and understand this and that is important as it is a part of your relationship whether you like it or not
- you love him and want to stay with him

This is all a very good place to begin. Read through the many wonderful posts here and feel free to look back at my history of posts as you will see an interesting transformation from 2004 through to the current day, a process of my own questioning and marital issues through to my own acceptance of this important part of what defines me and my current continuing marital struggles. Your husband at least has a partner who wants to try and understand which is more than many of us can say that we have in our lives. Please feel free to message me if you have any specific questions as these types of one on one dialogs help me as much as they help you.

Take care and thanks for caring enough about yor husband to seek answers.

Melissa

[linnea]

A counselor that I went to for awhile advised me that on all problems and issues one of the best things my spouse and I could do was "talk, talk, talk, talk, talk." He didn't mean rehash, repeat, nag, etc. He meant open up the channel and let the feelings and ideas and information flow. I don't think that there is perfect or "right" time to do this, but I hope that you find a way to bring it up and talk it out. Like all the others, I want you to feel supported, encouraged, and, insofar as any of us can help you, informed and inspired. I certainly wish you good luck.

[Marcie Sexton]

I can understand what yoU feel...I'm quite sure my wife went through the same thing, as a matter fact at one pont she insisted I stop, which I did. This however made me moody and created additonal problems for us...After numerous heart to hearts, she realized, I neither wanted another man, nor was i a homosexual or some pervert. I simply felt so much more comfortable as Marcie. For my birthday, I was presented with all my things and since we have had a renewal of our relationship and became so much closer...as a matter of fact "we" just took a little trip out to window shop with each other.
Although I can't speak for you and him, I would want to sit and talk with you, heart to heart. Then if you both could come to a reasonable agreement, I< you > would take this time of the year to present him with anice outfit, perhaps even help him with his makeup.
I know my wife loves having another girl around, we spend time looking at her magazines, Lucky and the such...we share dressing tips and likes and dislikes. All the while sharing our love and companionship, just enjoying our time together...Another plus for my wife is I am domestically inclined...I enjoy working in the house, keeping thIngs nice and neat, I love to cook, don't mind cleaning up afterwards either...
The biggest hurtle for both of you is COMMUNICATIONS, gotta talk...perhaps cry together, I am sure some red faced moments too, but I gotta believe if he is so inclined to dress and you're willing to accept it, with support and love, nothing but a stronger bond will result...
I can only hope that you two can come to some agreement that both of you can live with...Speaking from a personal view, it is a miserable and lonely life having to live in that tiny closet, always wondering when I would get caught, and what would follow...I will also add, that once we got over the first hurtle and talked, laughed, blushed and cryed, we became closer than we have ever been...perhaps even more than the day we married...after all a marriage is a progress in work, ever growing, ever learning...Plus now we really have things in common, clothes, makeup, and shoes, not to mention our love for each other...

I can only hope and pray things work out for you and your husband...but first and for most you both have to TALK and LISTEN, not hear, then work on understanding...:2c:

Good luck for a country girl who is all googlie eyed in love "AGAIN" !!!

:hugs: :love:

[Kerry Owens]

"being a guy who wears female clothes _is_ weird"

Huh? Wrong! Weird is marrying someone and beating them up black and blue, wierd is having a child and mistreating it, wierd is being heartless and cruel to other folks for no other reason save that you can do it, weird is drinking yourself crazy and then driving drunk, sheeeesh, folks crossdressing is not a biggie. There are so many other things human beings do to each other that is unbelievalbly cruel, crossdressing is the least of our problems.

[Ashley1]

I think that if you are okay with his dressing that you should carefully pick a good time to talk and carefully lead into the discussion letting him know up front that you are okay with his dressing. If you are okay with him dressing he will most likely be ecstatic and he will not be too po'd about your snooping. In any event, don't make fun of him or embarrass him and be serious not flippant. The literature says that most CD males make good husbands so if you really love him you could be a lucky woman. If his dressing turns you off, then you will need some sound advice from some of the GG ladies on this website.

[Melora]

Yes.. You Love him.. Yes.. You found his "Stash", Many of us CD kinda girls have them..
Just tell him about both the LOVE AND THE STASH.. I AM sure that you two will be fine, BUT just be in the mood for a little bit of a Shock!! BUT Please ALWAYS LOVE YOUR Husband!!!!, & please understand .. He "is kinda embarrassed!". I know that I was .. AND STILL AM in a way..
Good Luck Hun.. & LOVE YOUR HUSBAND!! :)

[Dixie Darling]

First, my compliments on doing some research about the subject before making snap judgements. It would benefit a lot of wives and girlfriends if they followed your example.

Now, understanding what your husband is feeling and the reasons he hasn't brought any of this up and discussed it with you are VERY complex and deep-seated issues. Rather than re-invent the wheel I invite you to have a look at my website (link below). It's a simple site with CLEAN down-to-earth information that you can use and you'll find a lot of the answers to your serious questions there. Also please feel free to email me if you'd like to. I enjoy helping when I can.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[StayceeCD]

"being a guy who wears female clothes _is_ weird"

Huh? Wrong! Weird is marrying someone and beating them up black and blue, wierd is having a child and mistreating it, wierd is being heartless and cruel to other folks for no other reason save that you can do it, weird is drinking yourself crazy and then driving drunk, sheeeesh, folks crossdressing is not a biggie. There are so many other things human beings do to each other that is unbelievalbly cruel, crossdressing is the least of our problems.

Couldn't agree more Kerry!

[MarinaTwelve200]

About 5 years ago, I walked in on my husband, fully dressed as a woman. I was shocked, as I guess many people are the first time they see it. I have never seen this since. He 'swore' to me it was just a 'thing' and that he threw the clothes away. Well, I knew in my mind, that it couldn't be just a 'thing'. He had to still be doing this. I kinda blocked it out for the last couple of years, but recently, I found a size 10 shoe box; and I don't wear size 10 shoes. Yes, I snooped, and finally found 'the stash'.

Being honest here, I am at loss at trying to understand it; however, I love him dearly and wouldn't leave him for anything. I feel like I need to 'confront' him so he purposely doesn't hide it from me, but don't want him to know I snooped around and found his hiding place and the key.

How should I approach this with him?

Thanks so much for your help.


You might want to find out what kind of CD he is. If he does NOT go out dressed. he may be . like ME, ---a "PRIVATE CD."

CDing MIGHT be just one of those things he does in private Like "pleasuring ones self" that he considers "aint nobody's business but my own" and feels no need to share with others---Im sure YOU have your own little things you do when alone too, that he dosent know about, nor do you think is approprate to share.

You should not be worried if this is the case. it may be something he does for himself that he may consider no more your business (or need to know) than which direction he wipes his butt (you dont need to know THAT, do you?) We ALL hive things we do, on our own , by ourselves, and CD is somtimes one of them.

Of course there are "CLOSET" CDs who WANT to go out dressed, but are afraid to, and other CDs that DO go out and even socialize---you MIGHT want to know about THAT as it impacts others and may get back to you in a socially embarrasing way. He might feel a NEED to level with you if this is the case, but so long as it is a private thing for him alone---I see no problem if he tells U or not.