Inefficiency

[cutechloe]

Hi all:
It occurred to me recently that maybe the main reason why I'm not getting on with work as well as I should is that half of my attention and thought energy is devoted to imagining myself as a female. When I'm at home I play with my hair or play around with clothes etc, or maybe just waste huge quantities of time surfing the net here, at myspace or at youtube looking at people whom I admire. When I'm at work I spend a lot of time wishing I were at home doing the above activities. Even when I'm on the bus to work I find myself imagining myself as one of the cute girls on the bus. It's all pointless. I'm engaged. There's no hope that I'll ever become a female so why do I do it? I just can't help it. I keep telling myself to just buckle down because there will be plenty of time for fantasies later, but I can't even fool myself into thinking this is just a fantasy. I am horrible at being a man. I'm feminine inside and I don't know why no-one see it. It's not like I'm pretending or trying to be overly manly or anything.

Anyway that aside, has anyone else noticed themselves being more inefficient than they should be? I just want to give up some days because I'm falling behind my colleagues. The reason is because I don't really want to be me I guess. But I don't want to lose it all by becoming someone else. [Shaking fist to sky] WHHHHYYYYYYYY?

Chloe

[MarieTS]

Dear Chloe: You are no more inefficient than anyone else grappeleing with a deep conflict. Many people have something that really tugs at them and diverts their attention. But if you feel you are unusually "possesed" talk to a gender counsellor to learn how to understand and accept your true sexual identification.
You just might learn to accept and embrace the gal inside of you who is busting to be let out. :hugs:

Where that leads you is your choice. The most important question is... what do you really want and feel?

[Joy Carter]

Dear Chloe: You are no more inefficient than anyone else grappling with a deep conflict. Many people have something that really tugs at them and diverts their attention. But if you feel you are unusually "possessed" talk to a gender counselor to learn how to understand and accept your true sexual identification.
You just might learn to accept and embrace the gal inside of you who is busting to be let out. :hugs:

Where that leads you is your choice. The most important question is... what do you really want and feel?

Chloe is so right. But Hun have you accepted your self? I mean really accepted who you are. I have no one to come out but my wife. She acknowledges who I am just does not accept. I feel better now and the thoughts are not so frequent. Look it's taken me fifty seven years of waisted time to get to where I'm happy with who I am. Hun just accept who you are and get on with life.

[Teresa Amina]

There's no hope that I'll ever become a female so why do I do it? ........I can't even fool myself into thinking this is just a fantasy

There's the key- it's not just a fantasy. This whole TG thing is very real and gets at the core of your existance. It's easy to let it distract you from what you think you ought to be doing. The basic problem is you can't run away from it or hide from it. Amusements, work, or self-destructive behaviors like drinking or drugs just cover it over for a while. But you are still in there, and the "wannabe" urge works it's way through at some awkward moments. There's no easy advice for you here, just know that your struggle is a lot more common than you might think.

[Helen MC]

Let's be honest, unless one is in a vocation of some sort, perhaps as a Doctor, or Teacher or a Crusading Lawyer, or is working for oneself, to most of us our employment is no more than a means to earn money to pay for our real life outside of work. Most people I feel would pack in their work if they won money on a Lottery etc, made akilling on the Stock Exchange or were left a large enough legacy. I certainly would as I have fare better things to do with 40 hours of my week than work as a wage slave!

So as long as you can do the work to the satisfaction of your bosses don't be worried about being more interested in being a CD. That is your Life, the other is just a job.

[suzy]

The short answer is...."Join the club!"

It is a struggle and goes on.....and of course, my work suffers because of my feminine interests... I am at work as we speak...should I be on this site? Well, my boss may not like it, but I say sure, why not. I do enough to get by and the rest I do what I enjoy...Won't help me with promotions tho!:D

Day dreaming....yeah... imagining her dress, or top, or shoes on me? ALWAYS.

Could I perform better at work if not for my desires.....am I going to change... not on your life...:D

[Marla S]

Anyway that aside, has anyone else noticed themselves being more inefficient than they should be? I just want to give up some days because I'm falling behind my. The reason is because I don't really want to be me I guess. But I don't want to lose it all by becoming someone else. [Shaking fist to sky] WHHHHYYYYYYYY?

Chloe

That's not an easy question.
My story:
Before I accepted being a CD, I had times or occasions when I thought that my job-performance isn't the best. Measured by the boss's feedback and compared to colleagues.
Accepting myself gave me a big boost for the overall mood and it had some positive impact on my performance for a while (I thought so. Performance didn't change, but I did care less).
BUT I had to realize that some things in the life of a TG are independent of being a TG. Meaning solving the acceptance problem didn't solve problems with the job or doing the job (due to bad time managment, bad organisation, excessive demands, not liking the job, having problems with colleagues or the boss, or whatever).
This produced an additional problem similar to that you described.
Having problems with the job (for whatever reason) as a negative emotion on the one side, and having the acceptance and all the fantasies, new interests, new activities, thirst for knowledge etc. as a new and strong positive emotions on the other side, may lead to an increased avoidance of the bad emotions (aka the job), leading to a felt or actual worse job-perfomance.
This has the potential of a vicious circle.

So, here the problem might not be being TG or the acceptance, but the job or your personal managment. If the latter is the case you might have to work on that and you would need rather a personal managment counselor but not really a gender counselor for the efficency problem.

[pocoyo]

I am horrible at being a man. I'm feminine inside and I don't know why no-one see it.

Ohh poppet. Bless you *hug*

Yes I do know what you mean about being distracted. I'm ftm and when I'm at work I'm imagining "what if I was a boy" all the time. Well not just at work, everywhere. I also know what you mean about seeing people you'd like to look like and stuff. It seems to come with the territory of being transgendered. It can be hard to think of much else sometimes!
I'm hardly a good person to give advice but I wanted to say hello because you sounded so sweet and desperate, poor thing.
I think you've been given good advice above... yes it's a very good idea to see a counsellor.

Basically, don't worry you're not weird at all! Seeing a counsellor will help you start to sort things out.

Good luck, you'll be fine!

[Maggie Kay]

I am self employed and find that my TG thoughts are always there keeping me partially distracted. There are times when TG thoughts are all I can think about and I'm back here reading the forums or surfing the women's clothing web sites for clothes I wish I could afford or have the courage to wear. Often I get so distressed that my creative time is "hijacked" by my femme side. I can't work as effectively when I get like this. However, when I am able to take a step to further my TG desires i.e. buy some women's clothes, I get a period of relief and I can work again. It is as though I live a life of two people. The first is what my mother and society carved out and the second is the real me every day, pushing harder and harder to be heard. The two sides are in mortal combat, each fighting for survival. The conflict is staggering. I often wonder if I was able to fulfill all the dreams that my femme self wants, would I be free to live happily? Could I work without obsessing?

Kay

[JenniferMint]

I find I end up goofing off reading TG forums (here, tgguide.com, beginninglife.com) a lot!

Although before I realized I was M2F, I'd goof off too on other things such as playing computer games... so maybe I'm just spending the same amount of time goofing off anyway. I don't know.

[Calliope]

It's all pointless. I'm engaged.

That won't change anything but it sure might complicate your life. Struggling through a relationship while coming to terms with your gender isn't gonna make working more of a delight. On the bright side, more fem in your life might break through the obsessive phase and bring you some new, improved work skills. It's not pointless - it's just a hell of an uphill. Better days ahead.

[Sharon]

This is something I discussed with my therapist this week. She implied that she was worried that I may be concentrating too much on my transitioning and not on the other aspects of my life(well, what else am I going to discuss during my therapy sessions?).

Basically, she said that concentrating on one thing, no matter how important it is, can lead to us ignoring other things, such as family and friendships, our employment, and what-have-you. When we allow this to happen, it will end up negatively affecting us in all areas of our lives.

She was glad to hear that I can manage to actually lose myself in my work and hobbies, and when I'm enjoying time with others. I'm not just a transsexual, but I am a person first. My transitioning is my major concern, and has been for some time now, but it is not my only concern.

[JOANNE]

Avoiding computers might help, but thats impossible in this age.

[Siobhan Marie]

I am horrible at being a man. I'm feminine inside and I don't know why no-one see it.
Chloe

Hi Chloe, I'm not brilliant at being a man and I do know how you feel, we're both ladies and does anyone see it? No they flamin well don't!! The only thing I do to cope with it, is to struggle on as best as I can. What I am going do is to send you these, a huge :hugs: and big :koc: hope these help in the meantime.

:bighug: Anna Marie x

[MJ]

Hi all:
It occurred to me recently that maybe the main reason why I'm not getting on with work as well as I should is that half of my attention and thought energy is devoted to imagining myself as a female. When I'm at home I play with my hair or play around with clothes etc, or maybe just waste huge quantities of time surfing the net here, at myspace or at youtube looking at people whom I admire. When I'm at work I spend a lot of time wishing I were at home doing the above activities. Even when I'm on the bus to work I find myself imagining myself as one of the cute girls on the bus. It's all pointless. I'm engaged. There's no hope that I'll ever become a female so why do I do it? I just can't help it. I keep telling myself to just buckle down because there will be plenty of time for fantasies later, but I can't even fool myself into thinking this is just a fantasy.
I am horrible at being a man. I'm feminine inside and I don't know why no-one see it. It's not like I'm pretending or trying to be overly manly or anything.
Anyway that aside, has anyone else noticed themselves being more inefficient than they should be? I just want to give up some days because I'm falling behind my colleagues. The reason is because I don't really want to be me I guess. But I don't want to lose it all by becoming someone else. [Shaking fist to sky] WHHHHYYYYYYYY?

Chloe

dear Chloe
i too felt the same way you do. and you want to know something you are female inside ... the problem is you have not dealt with it ... and please forgive what i am going to say here .. until you deal with your issues it might be best not to get married too soon .. i tried everything i could to prove to the world i am a ( MAN ) .. i got married thinking it would just go away but it only got worse and worse were every woman i see i wanted to be just like them and my work performance went down hill i was thinking about becoming the woman i should have been.. every waken moment it got soo bad i could not tell you how i got to work what route i took etc .. my god i had to do something before i went mad .. i knew i had to deal with my issues .. i went to my doctor who is a good friend .. that was very hard for me to do. my god how do i tell my best friend and doctor that i wanted to become a woman ... well all i could do was cry my heart out and told him everything.. and yes he help me and now just look at my strip of images
it was a hard road to go down but now i am so glad i did ..
it took me until my birthday i was 42 ... it is never too late to change
i wish you well all the best ... hugs Marissa

[michelle19845]

you wouldn't be becoming someone else,you would be bringing out your true self and feel better about yourself.that is one of the big things they look for to diagnose gender dysphoria trouble with work,people,etc.

[cutechloe]

Thanks everyone for posting. It really helps to hear from those of you that have felt the same way as I do. I've been thinking a lot since I last posted and I decided that I'm not going to hide so much. After all I think that's one of the reasons that I feel so bad about CDing (having to hide). My fiancee is away for a while so this week I bought myself some girly jeans (which I might add feel and fit sooooo much better than guy jeans), some panties and camies (so I can be comfy all day), some great new pantyhose (always fun) and some girly socks. I actually wore the jeans to work today because I got all annoyed that I'd have to change before work. Noone said a word to me but I guess it must have been obvious (flared bottoms, with feint stripes). I'm really pleased with that. I also plucked my eyebrows a bit and they look much tidier now. I decided that I would wear my hair in a ponytail for a change (which I like by the way). I had expected lots of long-hair jokes but again noone said a word... good.
I know my parents (well mother at least) will flip when they see how long my hair is... but I don't care (well I seem to be fooling myself for now if I do anyway). I still really want to be with my fiancee so I guess I'll just have to tone things down when she gets back.
Anyhoo that's my thoughts right now. Take care all. xxx Chloe.