Do we really want to know 'why'?

[zoltaire]

Biddy suggested that I repost a reply I wrote last night to a 'why are we the way we are' thread.

So here goes....

-from last night-

So, do we really want to know the answer to 'why'? I'm not sure I do anymore.

Let me start by giving everyone a brief background history on me. I've been interested in dressing since I was a kid, and actually dressing for a few years now. I'm 30 and married, but my wife hates the 'cd' part of me. I haven't dressed for a few months because of a huge 'lay it on the line' fight. You know...the 'me' or the 'cd' fight. Needless to say, I'm more than frustrated.

And my family...
My parents were divorced when I was a young teen. Much unhappiness, even more alcohol. Needless to say, my childhood sucked monkey butt. My dad acted super tough, and liked to beat women (i.e. my mom), and my mom just left him do it. Well, I lived with my dad once they split up. I do on rare occasions speak to my mother. It just causes a war in the family when I do. Anywho.....a few years ago, my mom called me drunk and started to badmouth my father. You'd think that I would be used to that kind of behavior since both of my parents we're alcoholics. But then the conversation went too far.

So here my mom is, telling me that she used to dress my dad up. That he liked having her take him to the store and such dressed up. It was like she was telling me all of the things that she couldn't say for so long. But why tell me? My mom hates my dad, and my dad hates my mom. Many cd's and their significant others have problems with dealing with issues.

So is my father a CD? You try talking to a Vietnam vet about that. He'll shoot you, and not think twice. My father, the biggest badass around. I would have never guessed it. So now, I have more questions than I ever had before.

Did I see things when I was a child and not remember? Is that why I have the desire to dress? If my father did dress, did it make my mother crazy, and did they both drink to deal with it? I'm married now, and my wife hates my crossdressing. Am I doomed to repeat history? Did crossdressing tear my parents/family apart? Will my wife turn to alcohol to deal with me? What am I supposed to think? Maybe my mother was lying. So why did she tell me that stuff? To hurt my dad? So that I would maybe think less of him? I'm not sure why she told me all that stuff. I wish she didn't.

So was I born like this? How will I ever know? I'm not sure if these thoughts were accidentally planted in me. Every fight I have with my wife about my 'issue' makes me think that this is exactly what my parents fought about. I don't have any children yet, but when I do, I don't want them to have to suffer like I did as a child. Am I becoming my father? Damn this sucks.

Why can't I just enjoy wearing a damn dress? Why the hell does all this extra stuff have to be added to an already touchy 'issue'?

I don't want my father/mother to be the reason that I like crossdressing. And that's what I'm afraid of.

Just when I was starting to be 'ok' with who I was.......

sorry for the long post....

and thanks for the support Biddy :)

[Wendy me]

sound a lot like a large group of cders have a lot of extra baggage wonder just how mutch it plays on who or what we are??????????????repeate your past god i hope that never happens to me once was enough

[Julie York]

[QUOTE=zoltaire?

I don't want my father/mother to be the reason that I like crossdressing. And that's what I'm afraid of.

:)[/QUOTE]

They aren't. Simple as that. Some people use that notion to explain the 'why' but it doesn't hold water on closer inspection. I bet there is no more than 1 or 2 people on any CD forum who will blame their parents once they get to know themselves better.

Sounds like you are having a pretty horrible time of it.
But the 'Why' is a question we've all asked and finally given up on and eventually just shrugged and accept that it happens and that's that.

And yes I do think we want to know why. If I do something that causes me inconvenience, is publicly frowned upon, is expensive and causes stress because it is a secret....then yes I Do want to know. But I am pretty sure there isn't an answer.

My answer is that every now and then I am possessed by the spirit of a beautiful female 20 year sex maniac who likes frilly things. (Works for me!)

[IAMDONNA]

Zoltaire:
This is a tough one. Details not the same exactly but the theme brings up a lot of "stuff". I am twice your age and can relate your story in part to the first half of my life. I wish I had a great answer but I don"t. I can tell you however, don't sit on this. It can get worse. I spent my entire marriage deep in the closet. For 22 years I fought the issue, dressing infrequently to keep it hidden. There are so many more resources today to help you deal with the situation.
I doubt you will ever stop completely if you have been at it this long. I have regrets about how I handled it, but it was, aw you're nuts or Men don't do those things, well yes we do damn it.
I have been divorced for 18 years now and I am having a good time with dressing and going out and even have a GF who is into it to a degree. I feel lucky, but it was tough getting to this point. I would say seek out a good physcoligist or pyschcatrist and, do it for you. If they tell you to just stop then find another untill someone actually can help you deal with it not just oh stop it, men don't do that.
I wish you only the best and if you ever want to talk further PM me and we'll chat.

Hugs
Donna

[racquel]

Because that's the way we are.
learn to love it,it's not going away.
Be honest with others,especally s/o's
Be happy,it is possible
But not easy.

[Georgette]

Because that's the way we are.
learn to love it,it's not going away.
Be honest with others,especally s/o's
Be happy,it is possible
But not easy.
We are who we are and nobody or nothing is going to change that, I don't blame anyone. I started when I was in Jr High school about 13 years old and haven't been able to stop since. It just feels right.
Yes by all means be honest with yourself and your loved ones especaly your S/O it will help you live through this and to accept who we really are. Thats my.02c worth. :)

[derminator]

Wow Zoltaire.... your posting is exactly why I am here trawling through this webpage.... I have never posted anything on the web about my CD'ing ever.... until now.

My background is that I am 34, living in Melbourne, Australia. I am married and have two children. And yes, i love to cross-dress, but i'm mainly into wearing women's undergarments. but more of that later.

My own story started when i was such a wee boy. My mum and dad both worked hard to keep a roof over our heads so as children, me and my bro's had to spend all of our time (when we weren't at school) at our grandparent's place. It was there that I had my first ever cross-dress experience. I would have been no older than 6 or 7. I was exploring in the garage and came across an old bag of clothes.... and in it i found (amongst other things) a white dress, lots of frills and lacey stuff..... i don't even quite know why, but i felt driven towards putting this damn dress on. I can remember feeling very sneaky about the whole thing. I knew (or at least i felt like) that it wasn't the right thing to do. But, when i put that dress on, ****wow*** what a feeling. Even a strange squirming in my loins. I kept that dress on for as long as i dared, but eventually (and feeling very guilty) i quickly got out of the dress, got back into my clothes and put the dress back. I quickly forgot about that bizarre incident. In fact, I even completely blanked it out of my memory for several years.

It was not until my mid-teens that I suddenly remembered that bizarre childhood incident. I had wagged school for the day and was daydreaming on my way home.... when it suddenly dawned on me... I quickly raced home (no-one home during the day) and raided my mum's panty draw..... my god... what a terrible thing to do to my own mother... but at the time... i didn't even think twice about it. In her bedroom she had a massive mirror, i spent quite some time in front of that mirror in various undergarments. And that feeling in my loins was back again.

Throughout the years since i have gone through various trials and tribulations. I had never openly admitted myself until about 5 years ago.... to this day only 5 people know. My wife, my ex-partner, my counsellor, and two platonic girl friends. I have never told a man before and don't think i ever will.

Being caught is both a fantasy for me and also a nightmare..... to explain, If an opportuntiy to CD occurs when i've also had a few drinks then I fond myself attempting to expose my CD ways in public.... yet I only do this when (a) i'm drunk (b) it's night time (c) that there is no-one in the street... it's bizarre... it's such a thrill to be out in public, yet i only go out in public when i think no-one i around.

Over the years i have had some very close calls.....
* my brother found a pair of panties in my drawers one day
* my mum found a pair of panties in my pants pockets when she was doing the washing
* next-door neighbour nearly sprung me stealing panties off her washing line

Over the years I have lost, or gotten rid of, my wardrobe....
* my first stash was 'suspected' stolen by either a close friend or a relative... to this day I'll never know coz I' never had the guts to approach either of them and ask them 'hey, did you steal my bag of lingerie?'
* my ex-partner (who didn't know at the time) found my closet bag when I was out one day.... she threw the lot away and I had to admit to her about my ways... she was disgusted gut-wrenched, we stayed together for a few years but I don't think our relationship was ever quite the same afterwards.
* I've had two times in my life where i personally decided to end it and simply threw my prized stashes away. The last tiem i did this was about a year ago..... I have since re-started a collection.... although at times i have had a quick dip in my wife's drawer.

But of all the people i've told, my wife is the weirdest... I told her during our first heavy petting session... Idecided that if i was to become romantically involved with someone, then that person had the right to know about me b4hand..... I told her and she just said 'oh, ok' i an really casual, heard it all before tone. At the time, I felt relieved, and excited that i could be with someone who understood and who may even actively help me out..... but no..... she doesn't really understand and doesn't want to know about it. I think she kind of just pretends like it doesn't happen. I certainly don't dress up in fornt of her, I don't talk about it to her.... as i said, it's like it doesn't happen.

So why have i written all of this..... it's like i just need ot get it off my chest....I have never ever really come to terms with this whole thing... sometimes I am very frightened about it, I'm often ashaned... but underneath it all... I am also so very excited.

Thanks to anyone who cared ot read through this..... and i apologise for taking far too much of your time.

Regards
Derminator

[Julie York]

Derminator.
That's one of the best explanations/ life story versions I have read.
You have nothing to apologise for. It had me gripped and nodding my head going uhuh yes me too hmm yes oh that, yes, remember that.
So zoltaite et al (that's Latin not a typo) there's lots of us all equally confused. Join the gang.

[wilma]

Why do I ride a motorcycle when its warm? Why does a great shot on the 18th hole make me feel good? Why do I hate the Dallas Cowboys so much? Sorry Dallas Fans. The answeres to these and many more questions are burried in another life to be answered much to soo for me as I'm enjoying this life just fine. LOL Wilma

[racquel]

Derminator,why not?
You will find most, if not all of us are top line people in our respective fields,we are caring,sensitive,compassionate,loving.
Yes we almost all went through all of the above mentioned stages to get where we are today.
Caring,sensitive,compassionate,loving,confident,cr ossdressing people who often do not care what some insensitive,uncaring,homophobic,straightlaced narrowminded bigot thinks about a subject they are unwilling to learn about.
And determined to have a good day.Hope you do also. :D

[Vickie-CD]

Derminator,why not?
You will find most, if not all of us are top line people in our respective fields,we are caring,sensitive,compassionate,loving.
Yes we almost all went through all of the above mentioned stages to get where we are today.
Caring,sensitive,compassionate,loving,confident,cr ossdressing people who often do not care what some insensitive,uncaring,homophobic,straightlaced narrowminded bigot thinks about a subject they are unwilling to learn about.
And determined to have a good day.Hope you do also. :D
Racquel, you said a mouth-ful there. I agree with 100 per-cent. You can diesect anything to death, but some questions just don't have a simple answere that applies to everyone. You are what you are.
Love,
Vickie :)

[Lauren Richards]

Zoltaire,
Reading your post, it occured to me that although you focused your past and questions of how much of it may have been a determinate to your being a CD, there was a brief mention of another issue of which I am much more concerned: the opinion of your wife.

If she "hates" that part of you, how good is the relationship ever going to be? Are there other issues which the two of you have, and are not talking about? Is it possible the CD part of your character is an easy target, allowing you to focus on that rather than other aspects of your relationship which are really HARD to talk about? All of us sometimes talk about the weather, when we really need to talk about the roof.

You didn't have much choice in your childhood. You didn't have much choice when your mom started to tell you secrets about your dad (which I suspect she did thinking it would hurt him - angry folks do that sort of thing). You do have a choice in how you move ahead from here. Maybe step back from the CD issue, take a broader view, and see what it was that both glues you and your wife together, and what tends to tear you apart. If you can work on some other, maybe smaller stuff to begin with (like leaving the seat on the toilet down, and both of you promising to only talk in a positive tone in the first few minutes when you first see each other after being apart), the big stuff will be easier to handle. Most of us crawl before we walk. Based on your childhood, you may need some outside help to replace some negative learned behaviour. Even the most experienced of us stubbs a toe, or breaks a leg - and occasionally needs help. Nothing to be worried about. You are normal.

Hang in there. One day at a time. And don't worry about the CD thing. It will be there, waiting like an old friend..

Lauren

[Rikki]

Zoltaire, I have to agree with Lauren, check deeper into your relationship with your wife and work on it slowly.

Crossdressing will always be a part a you and I hope that you and your wife can come to terms with it. Before you take it any further with your wife, seek some counsiling and don't let them tell you that men don't do that, if that happens, look for one that has some knowledge in to drossdressing. I wish you luck and good fortune.

Rikki

[zoltaire]

Thanks for all of the great advice. I definitely have some more things to think about.