gender distracting

[princessmichelle]

Does anyone have advice for not having their gender issues distract them from the rest of life? I've been feeling overwhelmed at the impossibility of it all.

I've almost always wished I was the opposite gender, but in the past few months the feeling has been dangerously intense. "Dangerous" as in distracting me from the rest of life. I'm a genetic male (unfortunately), and lately I can't look at a gw without saying to myself "I wish I was her". Yes, it would be great to be my preferred gender, but the relentlessness and impossibility of it is getting annoying. Even if I could pass, it would be difficult. Good grief, even if I have SURGERY I wouldn't have a childhood in my preferred gender or the internal organs, never mind the legal issues. So reality demands that I can barely even cd. And even if I could, would it just make me want more?

Yes, I am in therapy, but that's only once a week and besides that, their persepctive is clinical. I seriously don't think that they wake up every day and say "damn, I wish I was the opposite gender".

Wishing I was the opposite gender can be nice, but it can be difficult too. Thanks so much.

Princess Michelle

[Diana West]

You can't change the past. It's fine to look back, but you can't dwell there. Besides you should create new memories.

Also, it sounds like you need something to occupy yourself. This is the perfect time of year to volunteer for some charity/needy organization. There are so many things available this time of year more so than any other. You'd be surprised how much a little time volunteering for something can help. Go to your local church/park district/school/village hall and ask them if there is something near by that can use some help for one night/day.

By helping others, sometmes you help yourself.

[Kate Simmons]

Four years ago, I was so high in the clouds as my femme self, I couldn't come down, didn't want to come down, wanted to stay there forever. That's when reality hit and I came down--hard! Went into depression, missed two months of work and accepted early retirement when the packages came out. I didn't want to transition but wanted to be feminine. After a series of events, I realized I needed to balance my male and female feelings because if I was too much one or the other, I was miserable. Today I'm a balanced person. I've integrated the feelings and am totally myself, regardless of if I present as Richard or Ericka. I've learned to enjoy my manhood, something I never did before but have fun with my "womanhood" as well. The other thing is I don't take myself that seriously either way and just enjoy being who I am and enjoy other people in general, regardless of who they are. This didn't happen overnight and took a lot of hard work and counseling but it was worth it. As a result, I know who I am and am happier than ever before. This is what worked for me and everyone is different. Once you truely find yourself though you will know for sure.:happy: Ericka Kay

[Teresa Amina]

reality demands that I can barely even cd. And even if I could, would it just make me want more?

I think that I now look upon my "gender thing" as a constant companion. It can get pretty intense, even with my unusual circumstance of being able to 'dress as much as I want. The "wannabe" voice is usually pretty calm, but occaisionally will scream in my ear "GAWD! You really could be like her, you know!" "Wannabe" is an impatient little girl sometimes (she really likes to turn the dagger a twist when I'm un-dressing, whispering "Ooooh! If it were only real" in my ear) but usually we get along fine. But she knows I'm not running away from her anymore, not hiding from that inner desire. Learning to cope is an interesting adventure. Who knows where it will lead?

[Casey Morgan]

Michelle, I'm not TS but I understand perfectly what you're going through. Part of the reason that I wasn't here for a while was I simply got too caught up in being transgendered.

I realize this may be easier for me since I'm "only" an androgyne and therefore need my male side just as much as I need my female side. So I sort of have a built-in escape valve as long as I'm mindful to be true to the whole me.But I found that realizing that being transgendered is only a part of who I am really helped. Finding that perspective is invaluable.

When you feel like your gender issues are getting overwhelming, do something where gender doesn't matter. Do something where you can shut out even yourself for a little while. Go out to eat with friends, watch your favorite music, pop in your favorite CD and listen to it, really listen to it, from start to finish.

Yes, being transgendered sucks sometimes. But it only defines you as much as you choose to let it define you. Remember, in "transgendered person" "transgendered" is an adjective that modifies the noun "person"; "person" does not modify "transgendered".

It's true, you'll never be a genetic female. You can never experience having been born a baby girl and growing up to be a woman. But then, if you were a genetic female and you had that life experience you wouldn't be YOU, would you? You would be someone else.

Accepting yourself for who you are doesn't mean that you can't want to be a genetic woman. It doesn't mean you can't dress like a woman and act like a woman. It doesn't mean you have to stay 100% male.

It means you're OK with yourself without the "if onlys". John Candy's character had a line in Cool Runnings that I think fits here. He was talking about having a gold medal but it applies well to having a "true" female body. "If you're not enough without it then you'll never be enough with it."

Now, somebody's going to take this to mean you shouldn't need to transition. I know as well as anybody this isn't true; I deal with it too. But if you're not OK with the person inside then it doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, you'll still be unhappy.

[melissaK]

Happens to me all too often. What to do?

Maybe a change of counsellors will help? I have a lot of emotional pain and some days it just plain hurts to be me. I have had a few counsellors over the years, and some clicked with me beter than others in dealing with it.

Schedule a double counselling session this week? Most counsellors know we are pretty distressed at times (too often with suicidal overtones) and most counsellors will jam in a second session to help - just call and ask - especialy if you feel at all desperate.

Hanging out on these boards helps me a lot. Right now in my life I live a repressed life and do not get to go out full-time or part-time as many of the other girls do. I live vicariously through their posts and exploits.

Try hormones. Dangerous advice - get approval. Don't just email the off shore pharmacy and start gulping pills when the package arrives in 14 days. But a few docs will Rx them w/o SRS being the goal as they help a lot of us by reducing anxiety. Some claim its Placebo effect - for me its not. They help. You can ask for Xanax too - - - that helps many of us. (For footnote references on this try Arlene Lev's, "Transgender Emergence," (2004) later chapters on clinical objectives)

Keep laughing about it. It really is the best medicine. Go find the thread where everyone posts about forgetting to take something off and getting outted - funny stories.

Remember, you aren't alone. We are all here. :-)

[Penny]

Forgive me but I'm going to be blunt and I hope this is not iradicated . Yes, I'll say it "I'm a gender bender" but I'm not a ball breaker, especially my own. I can look like a woman if I want and for most transvestites, it's all about the clothes. Because it is so alien to the way we were taught to think, crossdressing can become very confusing. Still, I enjoy intercourse with my wife and there is no reason to believe I would find sex as a woman more satisfying. Since I consider my wife as my equal, I see no difference in her role in our marriage and my role.The only thing is she had the babies. So I am comfortable with that and me. I could have been a woman but I'm not.
No reason to change the body your in unless you dispise it. If that's the case, then you are a transexual and then must weigh everything out. My heart goes out to all who are not just trapped in the closet but trapped in the wrong body.
Remember this! CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN LOOK LIKE A WOMAN BUT THEY DON'T MAKE THE WOMAN A WOMAN.

:hugs:

Penny

[Jennaie]

I might suggest taking a break from all this for a while and gather your thoughts.
I find that the more intense I get with it, the more I confuse myself about my own gender identity. I have not fully dressed with makeup and wig in several months. I find that I can deal with my fem side much easier if I can just be happy knowing that I do have a very strong fem side and incorporate that into my personality as a male.

This does not mean that I have to walk fem, talk fem, or anything like that. It just means that I am much more relaxed thinking to myself, your not just a guy, your Jennaie too, and you need to acknowlege her side of you all the time.

I found that thinking like this has helped me find balance in my life. I was very much like you described and my life was an emotional wreak. I had to do something that would help me find some sort of balance so that I could work, go to school, and get a good nights sleep to boot.

An example of some of the changes I have made: I love wearing women's panties, so if I feel like wearing them, I do. Recently I found a thong made and designed for men that is wonderful. It is soft and sexy, which makes me feel very fem, yet it is comfortable for me as a male to wear and I feel fem when I wear it. A balance between the two.

I think that sometimes we have to go to the extremes and "feel all the emotions" before we can come full circle and get to a resolve that we can deal with. I know it was not too long ago I thought I was going crazy. I had developed strong feelings towards one of my male friends and did not understand fully what was going on inside me. I cried a lot, got drunk a lot and put on the male side strongly in front of him. I don't hide my fem side from him any longer. I am just myself and he has not pushed me away for being who I am.

It's all a matter of balance, you can't be someone your not and you can't be the other sex. You can be who you are and be true to yourself.

[melissaK]

- some more ideas to battle the "anxiety" or the "wannabee" voice (I liked that one Teresa) . . .

Join a local MTF CD/TS group? Ask your counsellor for a reference to one. Misery hates company!

Go do something physically demanding. It'll give you a mental "break" and the endorphines your body produces from a good work out tend to lift ones spirits.

Go "volunteer" anywhere. Seriously. Its a great cure for feeling bad about yourself. And there are plenty of places. I work a senior center sometimes making breakfasts . . . the old ladies are delights, but darn picky about how their scrambled eggs are done . . . . ;-)

Play Carol King or Sarah McLachland CD's. Get a box of tissues and just be sad and have a good cry. (The time I've spent crying to Angel, . . . much cheaper than the counsellor).

And this is my personal favorite, though not for everyone - I set my alarm for 5 minutes before sunrise and go watch . . . the dawning of a new day always inspires me . . . It's my special time. Sure its winter and can be cold - but hey bundle up, get a cup of hot chocolate or coffee and sit and watch . . . it only takes a few minutes, but it is awesome . . .

[princessmichelle]

There is no way this girl is trying hormones any time soon. But I am grateful to _all_ who responded.

The diversity of ideas is striking.

And my heart is grateful.

Princess Michelle