asking girlfriend to marry me - need help

[Cori]

Hey girls,
This is actually my first post to the website. I have been monitoring the posts for about a month now and now realize that I am not crazy:). I do need some help though. I have been living with my girlfriend for 3 years now and she knows about my crossdressing, well at least as much as I know about it. I have always had wanted to dress up but only in the last 5 years I have actually done it - at least on Halloween. 2 months ago I bought a nice wig and went out en femme - the first time and enjoyed it somewhat - scared sh@#$*less. My question is rather personal though, I love my girlfriend and she loves me. We wish to get married - I already bought a ring, but I am worried. I have only recently been exploring my feminine side and enjoying - not knowing how far I want to tkae it. My girlfriend, doesn't like the crossdressing, but accepts me liking the makeup and such. This is an issue in our relationship - but our only issue. How do I go forward? I have not experienced what I have always wanted with myself and yet I do not want to lose my girlfriend/future fiance. She will do things like my makeup every month or so - but doe snot like it - she explains she is not a lesbian and does not want to be one. I am rambling - what do I do?

[DonnaT]

Does she know that the CDing won't go away?

Note that some GGs can accept it for a little while, but at some point they don't want to be involved with it any more. Meaning they could possibly tolerate you doing it, but then adopt a sort of a don't ask don't tell don't let me see it policy. Now sometimes they come around again to being more tolerant and a few start accepting again.

And then there's the introduction of kids into the picture, which causes some to ask their husband to stop all together.

So, since there are so many possibilities, the only real advice I can give is to seek a marriage counselor to help y'all to look into the future and talk about the what ifs before getting married. It's a lot cheaper than getting divorced.

[Melissa Ryan]

THAT! Is a very good question! I am pleased to hear it and also pleased to hear that you have been open and told her the truth. The truth is what will get you through. If she doesnt like you as a girl, that is fully understandable, but she loves you. So there fore in a pefect world she would understand that this side of you (the girly one) Makes up the whole you in ways. If you were not influenced by this side of you, you would be different. How different? Who knows.

I really dont know how you should go about sorting it all out, but do bear this in mind.......You can run, but you cant hide. You are who you are, wanting to change for someone is not a good enough reason to be false. You have already shown that you are honest. Best to not start lying and tell her you wont be a CD anymore. Is not going to work that way. As you be true to others, remember to be true to you. Good luck! :happy:

[Cori]

Thanks,

I would like to go to counseling, but I am afraid. I am afraid that the counselor will not even understand my situation. My girlfriend would support us going to someone to discuss our issues. I am currently located in Portland, OR and am wondering on places to go or people to see that understands maybe more than I since I am new to the whole scene. The one thing I do know and have explained to my girlfriend is that this is not going away and I am ready to embrace, experience and pursue this side of me.

[DonnaT]

Simply ask the counselor on the phone if she/he can handle issues about crossdressing.

On the phone you are still anonymous so there should be nothing to fear.

[Sheila]

Cori,

welcome to the forum.

It appears that your girlfriend while not jumping up and down with delight at the thought of your crossdressing, she is not actually running in the opposite direction, so there is hope there.

Perhaps if you could get her to come on the forum and make the required posts --- an introduction plus 10 posts in the main forum ------- she can then apply for access to the GG section, where we can try and help you both -- sometimes it helps a whole lot just to talk to others who know what you are going through without having to explain every little thing in detail


Jess

[JulieCDorlando]

Hello,
From your reply that you want to experience, embrace, and pursue your CDing further. Just to lend you some heart felt advice, not matter how much you want to pursue, embrace, and experience your CDing, please PLEASE, keep your furture wife's needs above your own. Cherish your future wife for who she is. Do not go any further with your CDing than she is willing to accept you for. All to often I read about CD's that have a certain amount of freedom from a significant other to dress, a CD will go the distance to pursue, embrace and experience CDing leaving the wishes/desires behind of an understanding wife, girlfriend. Keep your priorities in line. CDing can be fun and liberating, but CDing can only be so with an understanding spouse. Be true to yourslef and with her. you are very fortunate to have someone that loves the complete you. I wish you all the best.

[kathy gg]

Donna made some good points. While many woman {and I a relaly hate to generalize} can tolderate or even moderatly particpate in cding while dating...for some the BIG life changes...marriage and family change thier outlook. And many do have HUGE change of hearts when it comes to cding and the time it might take away from cople life or family life.

If she has a roadblock in her mind that once you transform .... she feels like a *lesbians* then either you look really passable and she has a hard time separating the fact from fiction.

As for how far you want to take it and not know where it ends....hunny....um...I would make this a very very very very long engaement till you get yoru head straight.

I actually am a particpating and accepting and really into this wife. Okay, for me I probably enjoy it as much if not more than my hubbby! BUT.....I know what his future holds. It doesnot hold hormones, it does not hold, living full time, and it does not hold srs. He knows that I wanted to marry a cder..not a transexual. And thankfully he does not feel he is one.

BUT if you cannot say where your road ends yet....DO NOT get married till you can say with certinity how much you want from this side of your life.

Othwerwise...you are being very cruel to yoru girlfriend {who you claim to love}.

There is a HUGE difference between being a casual crossdresser and being a questioning ts.

If you are unsure of what your future holds she will have a right to know fully and completely what she is getting herself into.

Anything other than complete truth at this point is not fair to either of you.

[Robin Leigh]

Hi Cori, and welcome! I guess Julie & Kathy have really said it all in the last two posts.

As Julie says, when a CD has a relationship with a semi-accepting GG, the recipe for success is to let the GG set the rules for CDing that she is comfortable with. We are the ones doing something radical, it's up to them to decide how far they want to go along. And we do need a reality check against the Pink Fog, from time to time. :)

As Kathy asks, are you just into CDing, or do you have TS feelings? We TG people have to be able to answer these questions honestly before getting into a major relationship. Our partner is entitled to know what kind of person she'll be spending the rest of her life with. And nobody likes "bait & switch" tactics. :)

Will it be a major issue for you if she never wants to be intimate with you while you're en femme? If so, this could lead to problems further down the track.

You mentioned that you'd like to see a councilor. If you do go to see some kind of councilor it would be wise to make sure they are competent with gender issues, or you'll be wasting your time.

Best of luck with all this.

:hugs:

Robin

[Calliope]

I wouldn't get marrried if I were you!! (You might try reading Alice In Genderland for some insights on unhappy CD marriages.) Portland OR is a very progressive place - there should be lots of support, professional and otherwise. But, hey, you need time to get your head together; don't enter into a 'contract' that will smash your world down the line.

[Dixie Darling]

Cori,

You're already ahead of the game since she's aware that you are a crossdresser. Donna make a VERY important point in respect to the fact that your fiancé probably isn't aware of the longivity that crossdressing entails. Your fiancé may have the mistaken idea that it's not much more than a passing "fad" with you and it's real important that she knows that it's NOT something that's going to go away. Better that she learns this NOW than several years into the marriage.

Counseling is an excellent suggestion and one that you both need to look into. I would also suggest that you begin have your girlfriend get a jump-start in educating herself on the facts about crossdressing and the web is a great place to start. However, be very careful about what sites and material you direct her to since there are some sites that serve only to sensationalize the site's owner. What you want is for her to access some easy to understand information about what crossdressing is (and what it ISN'T). The more she understands NOW, the less MISunderstandings the two of you will encounter down the road. As a suggestion I invite BOTH of you to have a look at my web site. Sit down together, look at the material you will find there, and DISCUSS it as you read it. Sincere, open, and honest communication is a MUST and will go a long way toward you BOTH understanding each other a lot better.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Amy Hepker]

Hi Cori,
You can give her the ring, but I wouldn't plan on a wedding until after you explore yourself. You need to know what you want and what she will put up with. She needs to accept all of you not just your Male side. I wouldn't say that she won't LOVE you because it sounds like she may very well LOVE you. CDing is something that maybe alright for awhile or until she finds out you want to do it more and more. The real problem will arise when you have more Female clothes than she does and your Male side does. And that is is to do. I think you both need to explore it together. If she isn't interested all you can do is try. If you try to make yourself believe that you can leave it and never go back, Good Luck, because that is where most of us have been and guess what?? We're back to dressing. I am not saying that you can't do it, but, I'm betting that down the road you will go back to it. GOOD LUCK!!! Talk to her!

[Alice Torn]

Cori, Conflict, is what our short human lives, are sadly, full of, or gladly full of. I would guess, that all cd's are in conflict, at some, or most of the time. There was a time, when, I went decades without cd'ing. I would draw pictures of ladies, dressed nicely. I really got some clothes, wig, and ladies' shoes, a year ago. Frustration, with decades of lost hopes, for a mate, rejections, poverty, realizing I may never, be with a mate, I believe, I decided to dressup, and look like the woman I desired, but, copuld never have. I am six foot six, and always have been sexually attracted to very tall women, but, could never be with one, often rejected by them. I dress up, and am basically playing both roles, looking at the tall beauty in the mirror. I believe, that in my case, I may not have gone into my cd'ing, if, I had been granted the lovely tall lady, i had wanted to marry. I don't know for sure. Each man's life is a different story. We fantasize being lovely ladies, but, in my case, partly, it is because of rejections, for decades, dashed hopes. You may simply, have to make the gut wrenching decision, to commit to her, and work a program to stop cd'ing, or , see that you won't be able to quit, and just be friends with her. Humans can adapt , and change, more than most of us realize. Asdk a prisoner of war, or holocaust survivor. Keep seeking counsel, advice. Thanks for letting me share. Lucille

[Joyciecd]

I suppose I am a 'field player' with no desire to marry. I have boyfriends, girlfriends, and CD girlfriends. I will not become involved with anyone that doesent fully know that I CD and accept me without any reservations. As a word of 'advice' to the above, in my experience CDing urges increase from modest beginnings, i.e., wearing panties and underwear, to the point where I and I presume others desire to be almost if not always full-time. I refuse to permit my lifestyle to be controlled in any way by those I interact with. I don't or wouldn't tolerate anyone being in a position to give 'permission' to limit my desires, which I would see as a serious threat to my well being.

[Kerry Owens]

No, being married/engaged/committed to each other does not mean you have to stop CD'ing. It isn't the end of the world for both of you, it can be a wonderful beginning. Yes, I would say her being here would help a lot. One of the biggest hangups for a woman is thinking she is all alone in the situation. Once she finds out others are there, or have been there the scariness is gone and she can learn and relax.
I'd say definitely get her here in the forums so she can read and learn both from GG's and from other crossdressers.

[Holly]

Cori, first of all, :welcom: to the forum and congratulations to you and your GF. I am a married CDer and my wife and I will celebrate our 38th anniversary before the end of this month, so I am not without some experience. The others have made excellent points:


Counseling is an excellent idea and the fact that your GF is in favor of it also, is a positive sign that she wants reconcile the issue herself as well. As suggested earlier, make sure the counselor is experienced in gender, cross dressing issues and couples. They are out there.
Bring your GF here. There are few other sites on the Internet were you can brig loved ones to experience our community in a positive light, and where they can educate themselves free from the sensationalism the so often accompanies those of us who lead lifestyles that are different from the norm.
Come to terms about yourself, who you are, and where you want to go. CDing comes in many flavors and is not a one-size-fits-all activity. Both of you have a right to know where this is leading before you commit to a relationship where two become one.Now, as far as I'm concerned, here's the secret to a long and happy marriage, but in order for it to work, BOTH of you must commit to make it happen. Here it is... always put the needs of your partner before your own. If BOTH of you can do this, then it will be so much easier to find the balance that will work for the two of you. Will it always be easy? No. Will one or the other of you sometimes feel cheated? Probably. Is it all worth it when you look into your mate's eyes and see the joy there, knowing that you are responsible for putting it there? Always!

Of course communication is critical in all this. It is the means through which we receive feedback on how we're doing, so it must always be honest and loving.

My best wished to you and your GF, I hope we can meet her soon, as well.