My Pandora’s box

[Beckii_aCDInOz]

Hi girls,

(this is a biggy you may like to grab a drink & have the tissues on hold just in case)

Hope your all feeling happy and enjoying a nice day or night where ever you are in a skirt or drab :dance:

Some of you may be aware that I've just recently (4-5 weeks ago) told my SO that I dress. Fortunately its not been a long relationship (18 months), though, the :confused2: shock factor has still been pretty intense.

Well Robyn's taken the step and signed up here (Robyn_oz) which is a good start.

As a couple we're tight, communication has never been an issue. We're also very much in :love: and to the point that we don't even have to speak to know what the other is thinking most of the time. (my CD'ing obviously wasn't picked up though :D )

In all sincerity though, things are still a bit rough.

I can understand that she hold fears and I guess if I was in her shoes I'd be feeling confused and questioning myself in all of this too. What really confuses me she painted my toes (a very pretty red last night), that obviously brought up some issues and we sat and had a heart to heart.

I told her I'm not interested in going out dressed (never had the inclination), I explained that just because I feel the urge to wear ladies clothes does not mean I have the urge (while dressed) to have sex with guys; or anyone else for that matter apart from her (dressed or not).

However as soon as we starting getting into things Robyn's eyes well up with tears and she starts to cry. That really makes me feel like an A hole! I start to feel guilt and start to beat myself up, which in turn makes me want to hurry off and dress as Beckii.

A major hurdle for me to understand some of Robyn's issues is that we've included stockings & pantyhose in our sex life on a number of occasions. Granted the first time she felt a little strange, but, she said she enjoys the feel and the experience.

That is damn hard to get your head around!

On one hand it’s OK for me to wear stockings/phose in the bedroom, yet on the other hand as soon as I change to Beckii or I put some heels on it becomes an emotional roller coaster. I shudder to think of the type of reaction I’m going to receive when I throw a wig on and get dolled up to the 9’s!

I really don’t know what to say. I’m honest and if Robyn asked me anything I’ll tell her honestly; though I’m not brutally honest.

On a plus I was sitting in the lounge room today & looked down at my toes forgetting about the nail polish…lol

I pipped up and asked where the nail vanish remover was, telling her it was a bit of fun to do, but I remove it now. I think that statement alone had a BIG impact, maybe a HUGE clarification that I hold no inclination to dress 24/7 or even wear panties, bras or have my nails painted 24/7.

It’s a hard road and sometimes I think maybe I shouldn’t have opened Pandora’s box.

Yet I’m in a equal relationship with a beautiful woman who I totally adore, love and cherish. (so what's a CD/ GM left to do but be truthful).



hugs

x

beckii

[Mary Morgan]

Beckii,
Just give her time. All the time SHE needs. If you do, and if you continue to offer information, not confront her, she may come to fully accept this part of you, or maybe just come part way. No one knows. You are newlyweds. Everything you do is fresh, exciting, frightening, etc. Finally, you have known about your dressing for years. She just found out. Go slow, but keep on going. Hugs and luck, Louise

[sonalnarula]

Oh Beckii, my heart goes out to you. Though you are braver than me. I daren't tell my wife of 2 years - yet ! And I am to be a father soon too. Dont worry, Robyn sounds like a wonderful girl - I'm sure she'll get through it as will you.

Sonal

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Beckii, The way I see it, she loves you very much and is afraid to lose YOU. Of course we know that would never happen the way you describe your feelings for her. This is a very normal reaction. Being CD's we know it has very little to do with those we love or our feelings for them. It's hard to convince them of that. God knows, I tried for years to get my wife to understand.

It's always a tough situation. I had to put my own urges on the back burner for years, especially during the years my children were growing up. We were a close family and they needed their Dad. I did try to dress secretly off and on, however and they never knew but my wife had the uncanny ability to detect when I was in that phase and I could never fool her.

My two Sons finally found out on their own when they were in their late teens. They thought no less of me but didn't talk about it. I told my Daughter when she turned 19 and she became very upset at the thought of losing her Dad. I felt things would be fine now since they all knew. Things went down hill from there. My wife put even more pressure on me to terminate my femme self.

To make a long story short, the pressure got so intense, I kind of snapped and came out openly, going out in public and joining a TG Org.My wife and I grew further apart until she could no longer live with me. She did not want to share her husband with another "woman". I have since made adjustments but still love her dearly. I cannot return to being who I was though, I would lose too much understanding of myself.

When people love us intensely, they have certain expectations.If we disappoint them in those , they may become fearful of losing us. I can identify with your feelings in all of this. You, however, have to be tho one to decide how to play it. You don't get something for nothing and sometimes even if you win, you "lose". It's your choice all the way though. It's always about choices. Just be prepared to live with the results of your choice. Good luck in your relationship.

:happy: Ericka Kay

[Penny]

One of the innitial feelings women have when they find out their man is a crossdresser is inadiquacy. It is important to understand that sex with the hose might be playful but still disassociative with crossdressing. Crossdressing is an easy way to damage feminine ego. This, cuppled with the fear of you becomming a woman, has to be overwelming. Naturally, a heterosexual woman does not want to be married to another woman.
You must assure her this will not happen. Make every effort to reinflate her
femine ego in the way you know will do that including maintaining a strong heterosexual relationship. And above all, give her time.
It's impossible to walk a tightrope without good balance but once you have balance, it's easier on a solid surface. Don't try the tightrope in high heels; wait till you get on solid ground! I pray you both find solid ground.

:hugs:

Penny

[lady lycra]

You have a lot of the same issues as my wife and I.
Years back, my wife used to dress me up in PVC basques etc.
Ten she discovered that I liked to dress when she wasn't around and went apeshit. All dressing up stopped. It stayed in the closet.
As time went on I occasionally dressed up with her consent, Just undies and perhaps tights etc.
We've recently been through couselling and to be honest I'm not sure if it was the right thing for us.
At the sessions my wife would say that she can accept certain things, but at home she couldn't..... What she is happy with one day, she's totally against another... We have come a long way though.

My wife will let me wear underwear. The other night we actually made love for the first time with me in undies... This was very special!
She don't like me in dresses, but she's OK with skirts, but only certain skirts.

It's hard to tell what she's OK with.
This is common amongst women who love their partners, but are unsure of their desires.
Unsure SOs will swing between hot and cold. It's a learning curve.
One thing I do nkow is that they kind of get used to certain things.
I have one skirt which I can wear at anytime after my son is in bed. I can just go and put it on, she's OK with this. She's OK if I paint my toenails, but I do get tutted at.. but it's with a smile :)

My wife doesn't enjoy my crossdressing. She tolerates it. She's now fully aware that it's not going to go away. It's part of me. Always has been, always will be.

You have opened the box and the lid can't go back on.
You'll have to work at finding the boundaries. These will move tough. What might be OK one day, may not be the next and vice versa.
I tell you one thing... It's an interesting, if not scary journey. :)

Keep with it. If you love one another as much as you say you do then all will be fine, providing you don't push too far. Find the boundaries, but do so slowly.
Talk.... Talk, and don't hold back any secrets.. If you want to dress as a schoolgirl, tell her.... If you want to dress as a ballerina... Tell her.
Tell her everything. Not in one go, but don't keep the secrets.
The box is open now, so it's time to tip the contents over the floor for the pair of you to pick through.
It's this process that has help my wife and I to get where we are now. It's not all I want, but it's a lot better than it has ever been before.

Good luck

LL

[Raychel]

Fiirst let me say that you did absolutely the right thing by telling her. This is something that she needs to know right up front if the relationship is to last at all. Keep in mind that thsi is alot for any woman to absorb. It may talke a while before she is willing to talk about it in total comfort. But like everyone will tell you take it slow and lets her feel in control. It sounds like if she is painting your toenails then she must not be totally against it. And who knows someday she may just enjoy it. As long as she feels that it is her idea.

:2c:

[Miamerica]

I told my wife about my dressing nearly 10 years into our marriage. The fact is that it took me 20+ years to get comfortable with the whole ordeal - my wife has only had 2 years. My point is that you've got to give it time.

+1 on the kudos for telling. :)

[Bethanygirl]

Yes time and patience. She has issues with this of her own, deep conflicts that she must resolve if she is ever to become really OK with this. Don't stop, but don't crowd her, and never say or do anything, even inadvertantly, that would indicate you resent her inability to cope at the moment. It is a tough tightrope for an XY chromasome to walk, we wish to attack a problem and worry at it until it goes away, but those of the XX Chromasome persuasion are comfortable with letting it all sink in, slowly dissolving until one day the issue or problem is gone. Give her time to let it dissolve away, you will both be happier in the long run.
Good luck to you both!
:love:

[Melissa Ryan]

The truth is a winner for sure! Lies bite! You are who you are, there is only forwards, for both of you. You and your girl side are one person. She fell in love with that person, if you didnt do what you do, you would be a different person. Both of you be happy! Life is hard enough without worrying about clothes or looks. Just stay honest! :happy:

[Beckii_aCDInOz]

Thanks girls for all the straight up responses & also for sharing your trials & tribulations also.

Some very thought provocing issues, that I know I'll ponder for a while to come.

Though I've held empathy towards my SO's feelings, least now, with your input, I can start to see things from her perspective.


hugs

x

beckii

[kathy gg]

Beckie...a question to you.....were you completely comfortable and happy about beign a cd from day one? If you were congrats, you are a very tiny small majority and you were not raised with any sense of guilt or shame when it comes to gender expression.....

but my guess is it took you a while to come to grips with WHO you are and how you feel and you may even have felt inner anguish or downright confusion. Some cd's even would probably admit to self hate or being very disgusted. Obviously not everyone had the pleasure of growing up in a gender-variant household where self expression was encouraged.

So....given all that woudl it not seem that the feelings she is working through mirror that of the *new cd*. Self doubting, confused, finding it fun, but then finding it upsetting?

These are actually the mirror image to how most cd's feel till they reach their moment of self acceptance.

This may take weeks, months, years before she finally is at peace with it.

I mean if you hang around this forum long enough, the one's who have cd'ed their entire life...some still are working through these mixed emotions for 50 years....

75% {including SO's| come to their own acceptance at their own pace.

And then some never do. I mean if they did we would not be seeing post from older cd's still beating themselves up. This does not even count those even so deeply ahsamed they would never even think of joining a forum...because to see the words "I am a crossdresser" is too much for them to bare.

I think the key in working through times like this is patience, compromise {from both parties}, continued communication {although not over kill...talk about other stuff too}, and lots of cuddeling!

God luck

[Charity's GG]

Things are not always black and white....are you angry at yourself for withholding the information in your fantastic relationship? Honesty, time and patience are a must. And it may take YEARS for her to accept this side of you, Ive known about my SO for 13 years and still struggle at times. Anyway, have a good one...

[Jenniferritchie]

First of all well done for having the courage to tell your SO, as you have already read in the replies, you are not alone in the way you feel and the response you got .

My experience reflects a lot of yours, it took me about 10-15 years into my marriage to fully tell my wife who i was in intirety, although she did participate in my wearing femme items when having sex with her, i think she seen this as acceptable in the realms of spicing our sex life.

It was not for some time that i told her that Jennifer was me and i was Jennifer and the two could not be seperated.

My wife did not accept this in the beginning but giving her space and time with the odd conversation she gradually came to realise that i had no intentions to become a fulltime woman or develope any homosexual relationships and that it was only her that i wanted to spend my life with.

Over the space of time my wife now actually helps me buy femme for Jennifer andallows me to dress when she knows that my two sons will not be in to catch their dad dressed. She also knows that i attend a support club at least once a month were i can take Jennifer and really be 100%, with wig and makeup, as my wife does not want to see her man in wig and makeup as she says that she may not be able to cope with the thought of losing her man.

she now accepts that i am no diffirent a man on the inside as i have always been, she admits that when Jennifer is in her company she looks through the clothes and sees her huisband.

I do not at any time leave the house as Jennifer and have never taken Jennifer out in to the streets. However this is my next hurdle to overcome and like all hurdles i will deal with it in the best way that will not hurt my wife.

I hope that this will help you in some way and wish you all the best in you future life, the important thing is to accept yousself for who you are in both forms and to move at a slow pace, not to over whelm your SO and most of all communicste at all times your needs as well as taken the needs of your SO

[marie354]

Let's give the real women a break... If you were the woman and you husband told you... How would you really feel about being with another dressed like you... Am I turning gay?

[Robin Leigh]

Beckie...a question to you.....were you completely comfortable and happy about beign a cd from day one? If you were congrats, you are a very tiny small majority and you were not raised with any sense of guilt or shame when it comes to gender expression.....


So....given all that woudl it not seem that the feelings she is working through mirror that of the *new cd*. Self doubting, confused, finding it fun, but then finding it upsetting?


Once again we are privileged to have your presence here Kathy! I always love the way you explain these things. :happy:

An SO coming to terms with CDing is definitely not just a matter of getting used to something novel, deep social conditioning is involved.

Even an accepting GG such as yourself, who actually wanted a CD, had to go through that process. How much more of a roller-coaster ride must it be for women who'd never consider a CD in a million years? We CDs gradually get used to the idea that we CD, you GGs just get it thrust upon you, so to speak. :heehee:

:hugs:

Robin

[Ellie C]

it is a hard road we travel , i told my gg g'f about my dressing and to my total suprise she supports me , we even go shopping lol. I wish my partner would paint my nails as i like them done to be part of my other self , hope this does'nt confuse lol , best to you both :D

[janet p]

It's best to thing you could have done. Now just take it slow and work with her,if had tried to hide it from her it could have caused you to have problems with your relationship and yourself emotionly and mentally.:love: :love:

[Holly]

Beckii, you and Robyn seem like two people who really, really love one another. That is going to help the two of you immensely. I've posted to the thread that Robyn has been engaged in.. you may want to read it (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=658728&postcount=65). She seems to be trying really hard to come to terms with this. It's up to you to give her everything she is going to need to get through this. And by everything, I mean facts, information, emotional support, all of it. I know you can do it!

[Kimberley]

Hi Beckii and welcome to Robyn_oz.

If I may. Sit and look at one another and see the person you love, not the person presented. It is what is inside that counts first and foremost. You are both very blessed to have one another. Keep talking.

Robyn, there is a great group of GG's here so get involved with them. They can be a great help to you. Just as important, try to understand the rest of us because you will definitely see Beckii among us. That is a given. Read the stories and try to feel what we go through. I am not talking about panty threads or other such silliness, but the real hearfelt ones where souls are bared. Get to know some of us and above all, ASK questions. Do not try to bottle it up. All we ask is that you are respectful and you will be treated the same or even better. This will give you a lot to talk about with Beckii and you will discover things about your partner you never knew existed.

Beckii's coming out was a HUGE leap of faith in YOU. I hope you will get to know us and through that both Beckii and yourself even more.

:hugs:
Kimberley