I think she's found out...help

[Christine Andrews]

Well I think my mum knows that I crossdress again. You say yesterday I came home from work (part-time job to pay for uni) and she mentioned that she was going to put my minidisc player, which I left on the chair arm in the living room away in my bag (backpack) and that I should keep my bag upstairs. The player was on top of my bag... which struck me as strange as it wasn't in the main pocket of the bag. Then it ocurred to me - the front section.

In the front section I left the packaging (inc the recipt) of some leggings I bought in the fromt pocket and the display holder detailing what the leggings were was sticking out of the paper bag - which I know for certain isn't how I left it. Throw into this that she has thrown in a number of clued in comments - relating to getting what you pay for with cloths, everyone having different fetishes - etc I know that she knows but I don't know how to react.

When I made my biggest effort to stop I revealed I was a crossdresser and that I felt guilty and wanted to stop and clear my conscience and vehemently promised it wouldn't happen again. I got caught out once again and said it was a hiccup and said it wouldn't happen again.

However, now I don't feel guilty about crossdressing - I accept that it is a part of me - one part I actually like about myself and don't want to stop - but at the same time I have to carry on as best I can in secret if I can - or should I?

One thing she said the time I was caught was that if Iwanted to do it that I should be more careful and that I didn't have to tell her. Now I feel physically sick thinking about this and I am completely out of my depth as to how to handle this - nothing in my 20 years of life prepared me for this event so if anyone has any advice they can offer - I'm greatfully accept anything you girls can offer.

So far all I have done is try to ignore the clues and change the subject but it is so obvious that she knows - the only thing missing is a big neon sign saying yes son I know!

Thanks
Kirsty Marie Hall

[Kieron Andrew]

come clean and talk to her, she seems ok with the idea for her to say 'if you want to do it but you dont have to tell her'

[Holly]

:iagree: with what he said.

[Shannon CD]

I agree with Kieron, your mom is probably a lot more accepting than you think. She may be having just as hard a time trying to tell you that it's ok as you are trying to tell her that you CD. Sounds like she's attempting to make the first step. Don't make it harder on her by playing dumb, she knows you're not. She's made the first move, now it's time for you to make the second.

[Rachel Morley]

One thing she said the time I was caught was that if I wanted to do it that I should be more careful and that I didn't have to tell her.
Going on the above quote, it sounds like your Mum has already given you the go ahead to do what ever you want but to just be discrete about it. It seems to me, she is saying what you do is your business but it's ok not to tell her if it makes you feel guilty (which at the time she said this you apparently did used to feel guilty).

I'd say you can either spell it out to her about it means and why it's important to your well being that you do it, or you can just carry on but don't be too "in your face" about it and just "play it by ear".

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

i think ( by what you have said ), she is giving you all the signals and ammuntion to say to her "yes mum i c/d, and it makes me happy" !! :rolleyes: maybe sitting down with her ( even though you are scarred) and having the "adult convo", will be good for you both to give your opinions on your c/d. i understand it must be hellish to even attempt the convo, ( and thats only if YOU want to ), but, if you feel that if its out-in-the-open, then theres no more secrets, and hiding stuff.
best of luck with ur descison hun :love:

[dann]

I say face it. Bring it up, not just the leggings incident. Let her know your feelings about your crossdressing. Then next time she sees a clue of it, you won't feel this stress. I wish I had the chance to do that with my mother when I was younger. I know the exact feelings you're talking about (as almost all of us here do) and they can drive you nuts and put a serious strain on your life and well being.
Hope evrything goes well.

[Amy Hepker]

Talk to her, and spill your guts to her. Let her know how you feel, let her know your concerns. Talk to her.

[Christine Andrews]

Thanks for the rapid replies ladies and gents.

You are all completely right, I do need to discuss it and that is what I will do when the opportunity presents itself. As for being scared, the way I feel thinking about the talk alone is almost paralysing and sickening but I know deep down I have to seriously consider it.

Even if I did tell her, it would still be a secret in that my father (whom I cannot stand 99% of the time - for many, many reasons) must never find out about it otherwise the repurcussions would be severe. Now that my one excuse is exhausted I have to ask another question.

Rather than simply blurting it out would I be better writing a letter to initiate the process and leaving it for her to find, read and digest or would simply be a cop-out? If I do this, I must do it right and I don't want to leave anything to chance. I was too scared to reveal the whole story first time around and left out my true feelings towards c/ding. Writing is one way in which I know that I can reveal the truth without nerves making a mess of it - I have always been expressing myself by writing rather than speech but I know the discussion will come.

I'm going to play it by ear and think on this long and hard before approaching this issue with my mum. If I don't fully understand my own feelings and needs from it - how can I explain them to her effectively. If this issue is eluded to again by her I will come clean and be honest with her.

This is the hardest position I have ever been in and the gap between knowing what I must do and having the strength to do it seems daunting to say the least.

Thankyou again for the quick replies and good advice so far.

Kirsty

[Dixie Darling]

Kirsty,

If she is 'internet literate' sit down with her and show her some quality information about crossdressing. But be sure that what you show her is factual and presented in a way she can understand what she's reading. I would avoid any web pages that are of the 'sensationalist' variety - what you want her to learn is basically the facts about who crossdressers are, why (as well as can be explained) we crossdress, and don't forget the fact that there are literally thousands of other totally heterosexual men who crossdress on a daily basis.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Dapple]

You have the most wonerful opptununity you will every have in your life to sit and talk with your Mum about something that will affect your life forever.
A heart to heart with Mum may reveal things about you that you never knew.
It will open doors between you that will bring you peace in CDing and give you the finest friend and advisor you could ever hope for.
If this sounds like a personal experience, you are right.( Mums really do know best)

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Kirsty

The letter is a good idea it means you dont have to face her until she reads what you have to say and you wont get interupted.
The timing of when to give it to her could be crucial it should be at a time when you both have a few hours to spare.
Have as much information available as you can but lat her ask the questions and be as honest as you can. She may want to see this forum to give her a better understanding.

Considering what you have said I would suggest you put comment on it to keep it from your father.

The last comment should be is to come and discuss the letter with you when she has finished reading
If you leave it it might never get discussed properly

[janet p]

If you haven't already gotten the drift she's saying go ahead and you should let her know.:love:

[Kieron Andrew]

maybe she's wondering how far you want to take the cding......i think talking is definitely in order

[kerrianna]

I think it is a good opportunity to tell her and it seems you have recognized that. She definitely seems supportive: ie she LOVES you enough that she will try to understand and be there for you.

Now how you actually say "ok we both know" really depends on your relationship with her and how you talk. If you occassionally have had some nice one-one chats where you discuss things (like what you're feeling, or what she's feeling), then I think that's the best way. You will know when the moment is right.

I don't think there's any hurry. It's not like you will be parading around the house, because of dad, and your intuition about your mom knowing is probably right so the only thing that would change right away is you wouldn't have to think you need to hide anything from HER. And you would be able to talk a bit about it to her, depending on what she can deal with too. She might not want to get that involved, just be non-judgemental. So try to stay relaxed about it and you'll know when the time is right.

Good luck...keep us posted :hugs:

[Nicole Summers]

it sounds like she's slowly coming around to accepting it. Give her some time, she'll probably end up buying you things and giving tips.

[suzy]

Kristy...

Yes, hon... you need to prepare yourself for a little heart to heart talk with your Mum.....she knows and is accepting...and she wants to help you.. There will never be a better time! Hugs!:hugs:

[Mary Morgan]

Moms are pretty wonderful creatures and they have an infinite capacity to love their children. They also have a great ability to understand and be compassionate. They want the best for their children and will do almost anything to help them to be confortable in their own skin. I suggest that you gather yourself up, prepare your mind, be honest, and tell her what you really feel. If you aren't sure, think about it first. It sounds to me as though she has opened the door for you, and will love you for your honesty and regard for her. You need to act not only for yourself but for your relationship with Mom. I'll be thinking about you and wishing you success. Hugs, Louise

[Fallen Angel]

Moms are the most loving of soles in the universe.And in this day and age where most things are so out in the open you may find that she may be more understanding than you think.I treuly have a wounderfull relation with mine.

When i told her she didnt even blink an eye and that was a very long time ago just be honest and sincer with her better to be upfront than hideing it from her

[janelle]

I e-mailed my mom & she wrote back or called can't remember & asked if we could meet somewhere for a pop or coffee. We did & it went very well. Be aware that she may change her mind somewhere down the road,my did & now she doesn't want to hear anything about it. Good luck hun.
:hugs: :hugs: Janelle

[Angela E.]

:iagree: :yt: :hugs: Angela.:doll:

[MJ]

yes your mother know's so it is time to tell her. the letter is a good idea put it were she will find it. when you get home you now have a chance to talk about your cding. i wish you well ... hugs

[Christine Andrews]

Hi

I've been working on a draft letter which I am going to include but I know if I don't have the discussion with her I'll burst.

I have been deathly afraid to reply to one the increasingly obvious hints even though it is clear we both know that she knows. My stress has obviously been showin because I've had three people at uni comment on me looking ill/unhappy and I feel like I could cry with the guilt and fear but - I'm not going to be stupid and keep putting it off - for my own sake I cannot - I have never felt this low.

Here is a copy of the draft so far. Please tell me what you think - I know it isn't very good but I would appreciate any feed back before I leave her the letter to find:

Dear Mum,

If you are reading this letter then it is true that you found the packaging for the leggings I bought in my bag and know that I am still cross dressing. Likewise I’m not intentionally playing dumb to the clues you have been leaving but this is something which scares me more than almost anything else in the world. When I try to open up the words freeze in my throat and I feel paralysed - with fear more than guilt.

When I told you before that I would stop and never do it again I was being as honest as I could be and for a long time I managed to stop. However, what I wasn’t honest about was the fact that I wanted to carry on cross dressing. I felt guilty and afraid of not being what you would consider normal and what society considers as normal or acceptable and I really don’t want to disappoint you or risk you rejecting me, something which scares me as I write this.

Cross dressing is a part of who I am, it always has and always will be a part of me. I know that it is not something which is easy to understand, it has taken me 13/14 years to even begin to understand it and accept it. The thought that something about me was different has been with me for as long as I can remember, but only recently have I had the confidence in myself and my feelings to accept it.

Though I cross dress I must stress that I am neither gay or bi, I am 110% straight. 99% of all cross dressers are straight men, many of whom are happily married with children. I also stress that I don’t want a sex change, I am happy in myself in that respect but I do wish to dress and present myself as both masculine and feminine to a varying extent.

I must also point out that I don’t do this out of fetish. This was partially the case at first and I am truly ashamed of that fact but that is no longer the case. That side of it declined very rapidly and is not the reason I do it. To be honest I don’t know why I do it, but it has been a feeling which has been there for as long as I can remember. I know life would be much easier if none of this was a part of me but it is and I have to live with it and I don’t want to force it upon anyone else. However I do have to be true to myself and I cannot lie and say that I could just stop, just like I could no sooner say I could stop breathing air. I know that it feels natural to me to do this and that when I tried to cut it out of my life completely I gradually began to feel miserable and unhappy within myself - though I gained happiness in clearing my conscience and telling you and trying to make you as happy as possible, I was betraying part of who and what I am and in the process not being honest with you or myself.

I don’t always cross dress, whilst I do sometimes when I have the house to myself I don’t do every time just for the sake of it.

I am still the same person you have always known. I am still your son and I love you very much, which is why this is so difficult for me. I don’t want you to look at me and see a freak, I want you to look at me and see your son.

How far this will go I do not know. Would I go out and pretend to be a woman? No, I wouldn’t because I’m not a woman and wouldn’t consider this as appropriate for now. I wouldn’t say that it would never happen because I cannot see into the future. I know that I would like to mix in feminine clothes into my everyday attire - such as underwear, tights etc and possibly feminine cut jeans (though not skirts obviously) and shoes but whether or not I could actually go out in them I do not know. As much as I would like to mix and match like this I know I have to be realistic and appreciate that this may not happen until the future sometime depending on how you would feel about the issue and where I went. It would not bother me so much what people thought of me but it would worry me how you would feel about it and if anyone made comments on you if you were with me. [would never introduce it into the work place EVER] [secret from everyone in family/friends except mum](Notes to add in)

I don’t know how you will feel about this but the last thing I ever wanted was to disappoint or hurt you in any way, you are my mum and also my best friend. I know that this is not what you would consider normal and that it is no easy thing to understand - I don’t 100% understand it myself! I want to be open and honest with you but this is not something either of us expected to occur. I know that this is not easy by any stretch of the imagination but I hope you can find it within your heart to accept me as I am. If you want to ask any questions, please I beg you to just ask and I will answer to the best of my ability without question or provide you with sources of information to read.

If you read this letter and decide that what I do is fine and you are just happy for me to be honest about this with you, but you do not wish to know any more I understand and completely appreciate being able to open to you and express how I truly feel inside.

If you want to talk more on this issue then please do although I know that I will be as uncomfortable with as you I will do my best to open up and discuss it with you and involve you with it if that is what you personally wish.

Whatever you decide and however this ends, I will respect your decision and always love you and regard you as being my best friend and my mum.

One thing I would ask is that you please don’t tell anyone about the content of this letter. I know that you haven’t said anything to anybody so far but please keep this between us and please don’t let anyone find or read this letter.

Is there too much detail? Not enough? Do I tell her what I have bought? I'm not sure how to do this well. She may likely accept it but I don't want to take that risk - I am really close with her - always have and I don't want risk losing that by doing this any more worse than I have so far.

As I sit here partially dressed I feel that it would be easier to greet her like this but I know it would make things worse.

I will post before I do this and I will keep you updated on what happens.

I cannot describe my appreciation for your help and advice and much needed kick up the rear to make me see sense rather than just panicing and getting lower and lower. You have pulled me from making a string of naiive mistakes and completely messing up to being on the right track.

Thankyou.

Kirsty

[Julogden]

Hi Kirsty,

My :2c:: Cut out all the stuff about what you "aren't".

You're still very young, and are repressing yourself to a high degree, from what I can see. When you finally start accepting yourself, you may find that yourself going in directions that you haven't anticipated going in. Don't go making sweeping statements about not being a TS, gay or bi to reassure your mother, as you may (or may not) end up having to contradict them some time in the future.

When I was your age, I could have made the same statements that you have made, but as I got older and accepted myself, I realized that my self-image as a youngster was largely formed from guilt and lack of self-acceptance.

You said it yourself: "How far this will go I do not know.", as well as "I don’t 100% understand it myself!" I think that this is something that YOU have to take to heart, and be honest about it with yourself, as well as with others. At this point in your life, you have no idea where you're going to end up at. You're going to find that the road of life can take some very surprising twists and turns.

Also, drop the bit about CD's being 99% straight. I've experienced being around LOTS of other CD's and believe me, the incidence of bisexuality among CD's is quite high, and I expect that I'll catch flack for saying that, but that has been my experience, and I'll stick with that opinion.

If I were you, I'd drop anything regarding sexuality anyway, as I doubt that your mother wants to discuss that at this point. If she needs to know about that, let her ask you, but again, don't go assuming that what you feel now is what you'll feel a few years from now, as you're currently rather guilt-filled and self-repressed.

I suggest that you not overwhelm her with details at this point, i.e. no, she doesn't need to know exactly what you've bought. And no, don't present yourself to her while you're crossdressed, either completely or partially, as that would most likely be too much, too soon for her.

Anyway, that's my advice. I sincerely hope that you can deal with this successfully and gain some peace of mind as a result of talking to your mother, and that she is able to accept this part of you.

Good luck,
Carol:hugs: