From Kimberley's Journal

[Kimberley]

I am placing excerpts from my personal journals here. Nothing is edited except perhaps names where it is appropriate. The only purpose is for others to maybe relate to some of my own situations.

*****************

I have been battling renewed gender issues now for several weeks; in fact since just before my last appointment with Jo Anne. We don’t talk about this very much, maybe I need to resolve other issues before this one, but for the life of me, sometimes I don’t know what good that is accomplishing. This seems to be the undercurrent of everything. It was a source of abuse as a child, both mentally and physically. As an adult it has been no less only I wonder if I am not my own jailer?

This current round started at my sister’s birthday. I went to the bathroom and she has a mirror facing the toilet. Anyway, when I finished and stood up I could see myself in the mirror. I was truly repulsed by what I saw. I hated it. My thought was that my male genitalia were wrong, they didn’t fit. I wished they had never been there in the first place. I’ve had this feeling before, but never to this depth of revulsion. It hasn’t gone away since. Some days are worse than others but it is always there.

I look in the mirror and hate what I see; this middle aged man who doesn’t fit. Nothing fits anymore. He is becoming more of a stranger each day. I make light of this sometimes but underneath I am feeling pain and an abyss of sadness.

I have gone through this before, when “the awakening” happened in the spring of 1990 and it took months for me to come to terms with any of it. Then in 2002 I had the breakdown and suicide attempt, and while gender issues were there under the surface, other influences were more prominent. Thus began the psych treatment.

In 2001 I purged, promising myself and my wife that I could do without this. I knew it was impossible, at least after six months I did, but still I persevered until January of this year.

Since then the battle has raged. I have been able to help others cope through my own experiences but my own situation has become more desperate. I have had periods of calm and periods of turmoil of course but lately it has been getting more intense. I think being able to help others has kept my sanity.

This day, I am a wreck. I will survive of course, but it is as always, a battle I feel I cant win because I cant give into it without losing everything I hold dear.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[pocoyo]

Oh Kimberley!

I am so sorry you're feeling so horrible :( :( *hug hug*

Ok I know I'm young and foolish etc etc but if it's ok I'd like to make some points.

I can understand the feeling repulsed at yourself but you have no need to... YOU are a wonderful person WHATEVER you look like.

If you really feel like you are a lady and that's what you are and don't want to be a man at all then you should probably talk to your wife about it. She may shock you and understand. But even if she doesn't you would cope.

You may feel selfish but you're not at all. If you were a happier you then you would be a nicer you to other people too so they'd all get to benefit also.

If you don't want to be female full time then maybe you could work something out where you get to be a lady part time.

It seems really big and scary but actually you've carried it this long even though it really upsets you... that just shows that you are a strong person.

If you have spent a long time considering others' feelings and your career etc... well maybe it's time you thought about you.
You are an important person too.

You know... however bad you feel.. doing that (harming yourself) is never the answer, never a good thing. You wouldn't even be able to enjoy the little things you do as a man then... and there'd never be any chance of you feeling lovely and feminine either. Plus imagine how sad your family would be.. they love you and would feel hurt and betrayed and miss you terribly. If there's anything selfish.. it's that.
If you are so low that nothing else matters and you consider ending your life then you may as well go ahead and try and become a female rather than do that!

I feel sad that you can't accept yourself as you are cos I think you're cool... but obviously being tg myself I know that people can actually be born in the wrong body and how important it is to be true to yourself. It's not like you'd be a different person if you transitioned, just perhaps happier?

Alternatively, perhaps you want to just carry on managing the feelings. Whatever you decide I know that people on this board will all be there for you supporting you and caring about you.

I wish you the very best of luck and hope you are feeling much much better soon. I know you can and will feel better...

I know when you are in a bad place that it is SO hard to remember that you can feel good... but please try and remember that you can. You really can.

Have you ever read "feel the fear and do it anyway"... many people scoff at such books but I have found that they really do help with difficult things.

And please do not forget to tell your therapist how rough you've been feeling.

Feel wonderful soon *hug*
xxxxx

[Sarahgurl371]

Kimberley

Hey. I hear you.

While its still current, The book "Feel the fear and do it anyway" is a good book. I read it a month or so ago. It offers some good advice and suggestions. But ultimately, its up to you. As I was reading it I thought, yeah, I can do it. But then found myself saying, "most of the fears the author is talking about seem so small compared to the issues I am facing." But I think the key is that it doesn't matter what the fear "is" it is huge to the individual. Always trying to put myself in someone else's life. Anyway.

I don't even know what to tell you. You seem to me to have a pretty good handle on this. In our messages back and forth, you have given me great help, and I only hope you get some of that back, at least in the form of support. Seems like the one common denominator in all this, no matter where the person goes, what path, repression, CD, HRT, SRS, there always seems to be some backlash.

I know about the revulsion. I have it too, at times. Seems there is a mental image and a real physical image that definitley don't align. I watched a video the other day about a CD who changes from drab to femme, and I thought to myself, gee I hope I don't look like that (no offense intended here). See in my mind, I am a girl I guess, even when en drab. But to be honest, I look exactly the same as the person in the video. I wish I could be as happy about that as the person I saw, comfortable with that I mean. I am not.

So I am still trying to find balance as well. I don't know if we ever will. Seems the older we get the more the TG stuff swells up and the harder it is to do anything about it because we are so invested in the life the male self has created. And as you said, embracing her means letting him go. But he has gotten us thru life, relatively unscathed.

So what have I said to you? Basically repeated your concerns. See I know the question!

Maybe you can chalk it up to a bad day? I try to do that to get to tomorrow sometimes. Life ain't perfect for anybody. But that doesn't help much does it?

Okay, Rome wasn't built in a day. This is a process that evidentally we must go thru. We don't know how its going to turn out. But I know this, YOU are not alone in Rome. There are many of us here. So you did what I do, turned to this place. Somedays it works. I hope today is one of those days for you.

Take care

[pocoyo]

As I was reading it I thought, yeah, I can do it. But then found myself saying, "most of the fears the author is talking about seem so small compared to the issues I am facing." But I think the key is that it doesn't matter what the fear "is" it is huge to the individual.

Absolutely... you just apply it to whatever "fear" / problem it is that you're facing.

[Sejd]

Dear Kimberley
your first paragraph tells about your therapist I believe. Is she a Sexologist or just a therapist. The reason I ask is that most therapist don't understand our issues at all. It was first when I went to a Sexologist that I was able to understand and embrace my trans gender issues.
In your second paragrap you talk about how you are in conflict with your own immage. First you mention your shock seeing your own genitals in the mirror, then you go on to mention the old man who you cant recognize. Well, maybe you are not on the right track after all, if what you see is upsetting you. The reason I mention this is that when I look into the mirror and see an attractive middleaged woman I find great happiness in the immage. Makes me think I'm doing the right thing.
It sounds to me like you need much more support from a speciallist who really knows about gender issues. If you are not on the right track with your sexuality, you will off course have all of these thoughts and conflicts. I don't know if this helps you at all, but I do hope you find more support and help, because you seem to really need it right now,
hugs
Sejd

[Kimberley]

Thanks guys and girls. I always know there are people for support and I also realize we all go through these times of doubt.

Let me set out a couple of facts if I may.

1) I am not going to harm myself. I keep a card with a number for the local emerg. psych intake and one for the suicide hotline in my wallet. I have not had to use them and hope I never do. Regardless, I do know how dark that place of enlightenment is and recognizing the dangers in advance is a tool worth knowing.

2) My therapist is a specialist in sex and gender issues. She has been at it for over 30 years and to be honest, without her I dont know where I would be today. My biggest fear is that she will retire and leave me high and dry as I have been in the past. Jo Ann believes in dealing with the whole person, not just issues so sometimes I find that frustrating. If I put my foot down we will address my specific concerns though.

3) Self acceptance is a place where one recognizes who and what we are. There is much comfort in that, but no solutions. However, making decisions about where to proceed cannot occur without first knowing self acceptance.

4) Self acceptance is not an insulator for feelings and emotions. When I fail to feel for myself or others, life will be over.

I am going to continue to post here from my journal as I see the need. This is for a couple of reasons, the first being therapeutic and the second being so that others can see and learn, and this is just as important for us as it is for our SO's. Often they dont understand so maybe by laying my soul bare they can begin. I dont know if it will help or not. I hope so.

What I wont do is divulge any private communications with another member where they can be identified in any way. Even at that, I wont say anything unless it is important to me and can help others along their path. Any kind of reference will have to be in very general terms. I will ask for that member's permission first of course. To me this is critical.

Tammy, thank you for your kind comments. It is always good to know I have been of some help to you along your way. Yes, I do have a pretty good handle on all this but still, there are times of doubt and insecurity. I have had more than my share of doubt over the last few weeks, that is for sure. It is only human.

Pocoyo. You are a lot wiser than you realize. Dont for a second doubt that. Age is not a guarantee of anything. I know 50 years olds going on 16 just as I know 20 year olds going on 50. You have questions. Keep asking. And always keep that wicked sense of humour. You do make me laugh.

:hugs: to all of you and more.
Kimberley.

Oh, and please continue to post your comments. Every bit helps someone. :love:

[Ms. Donna]

Kimmie girl, I don't know what to say. We have discussed this before many times and the resulting advise is always the same: something has got to give. Granted, you have endured this long and based on our discussions you probably could indefinitely - but at what cost. What kind of person will you be five years from now? Ten years from now? Will you even be recognizable to yourself at that point.

While I understand the "I can't win because I cant give into it without losing everything I hold dear" feeling, are you really winning anything by maintaining the status quo? When you find yourself institutionalized - or possibly worse - what have you won? Haven't you, at that point, lost everything you hold dear?

You know me and know that I do not pretend that any of this crap is easy. I have my own little purgatory set up and only time will tell if I can live there long term - but I'm doing what I have to to balance it all. I realize that at the moment you have fewer perceived options, but consider (as I'm sure you have) that while your current plan is sort-of working, it is at great personal expense - and your well-being is not an unlimited resource.

I understand Jo Anne's position vis-a-vis couples counseling, but she needs to consider the well-being of her patient; if that means making some exceptions, then IMNSHO she needs to consider that as your 'issues' are not internal one's, but very external and need to be properly addressed.

All of which, of course, you already know...

Love and :hugs:
Donna

[CaptLex]

Kimberley,

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I know you know you're not alone. Donna said everything I was thinking about how preserving things as they are is still paying a price. I know you feel that if you start down that road you'll be messing up others' lives, but couldn't that be happening anyway and you're also losing yourself in the process? Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how it looks from this angle.

Good for you for keeping the journal going. I imagine it'll be painful at times, but also will feel good to get that out and, as you say, others can benefit from it also. I look forward to future posts, whether they be your bad days or (hopefully) your not-so-bad days. I'm glad you're getting help, and I'm glad you won't be hurting yourself.

Take care of you, hun. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Kimberley]

Hi Donna and Capt.Lex. I just knew that was coming and yes, we have discussed this before. The questions you ask of course are no different than those I ask myself. Unfortunately the answers are no different either.

Believe me, Jo Ann has posed the same ones and I cant provide answers to her either. Regardless, she does return to them on a regular basis. I think one of the biggest issues is the employment one at the moment because the one thing I cant do is survive on what I am getting and I am at only half of the "official" poverty line for income. I am still trying to resolve that one for sure. I really cant move forward until that situation is corrected. :sad:

Anyway, the balance of my reply here will have to be PM.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Calliope]

Kimberley,

What a sad missive!

There are two big, sunny rays tempering your moments of despair.. You are very intelligent and possess a high level of self honesty.

Like the protagonist in I Had Trouble in Getting to Solla Sollew declared: 'Now my troubles are going to have trouble with me.'

[Kimberley]

The past couple of days have been much better than the past couple of weeks. I hope this sticks for a while.

I received a letter of concern from Ms. Donna over my last post. She was obviously upset for a number of reasons and in my reply I think I addressed those concerns. Regardless, It was great to hear from her.

This brought up some other concerns I have been putting aside, one of which has been to get out and finally meet Melissa. It just keeps getting put off. It was tentative for last Thursday but then we got the snow and nothing moved except the snow blower. I will have to try again. I really feel lousy about this. Nothing seems to work in my favour.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my GP. This was quite interesting. First she started with the usual questions, how have you been, any suicidal thoughts or thoughts of hurting yourself etc., etc. Anyway, I told her how I have been struggling over the past couple of weeks and that started a good conversation about this TG thing. It appears as though she has done some reading because she had a few of the answers but more importantly, she asked a lot of questions. She wanted me to fill her in with more detail about how I felt. Of course I reiterated that I am a mix of both genders. This seems to have a bit of confusion for her.

So, I explained the concept of sex at birth and life experience being raised in the gender of biological sex. No problem. Then to illustrate the point I said that she was raised differently from her brothers. Again, no problem. Then came the crunch. “Imagine that your life was raised as a male. You were forced to be male, went into a male profession. You know you are female but you are not allowed to be that person; ever. Imagine the confusion that creates.”

THAT struck a chord with her. The look on her face said it all. Then I went on.

“But you can’t deny that part of yourself so you do what you can to be female in private. Getting caught means being punished if not by family then certainly by society. So you live in fear of getting caught, guilt for doing what you have to, and the shame of being different. So in the long run, you know you are female but your life experience is as a male. What are you?”

The lights went on. Yayyyy!

She had a couple of more questions more direct that were really of no importance then rewrote my prescriptions and we parted ways. She was smiling which is good. She’s such a cutie.

Last night was a family affair at the veteran’s hospital. They had a tree decorating party for all the vets and families. My father in law loves these things…. There are always goodies. It doesn’t take him long to try and sneak away in his wheelchair to get to the tables. We have to keep an eye on him. Anyway they had a DJ and he was walking around with a mic getting people to sing. He finally got to Al and was totally blown away. The old guy was trained as a youngster and his voice is still good. The DJ just stood back and let him finish the song. It’s funny how dementia works. Something that simple can bring him back to the here and now, at least for a little while. God, I miss the man I knew so many years ago; but then so does everyone.

Today is another good day. So far.

[CaptLex]

Kimberley,

I'm glad you're having some good days for a change. And I'm glad you were able to make the doc get it. It seems to simple to me, yet when I explain it to some people (even some professionals), I realize it's not that easy to grasp - even for some of us that have been struggling with it forever. The story of your father-in-law made me a bit sad . . . my mom's got some dementia too, and I don't even know who she is anymore.

Wishing you many, many more good days. :hugs:

[Calliope]

THAT struck a chord with her. The look on her face said it all. Then I went on.


Having brains and a clear vocabulary is obviously working in your favor.

Keep it up.

[pocoyo]

Hi Kimb,

Im so glad to hear you're feeling a bit better, I'm also really glad that your therapist finally understands. Your explanation that you used on her is really good.

Hope you feel even better soon

:love:

[Kimberley]

Thanks all.

Yes, dementia is tough. My father in law is the same. Most of the time he doesnt recognize people with the exception of my wife or her sister. Sometimes he is totally with it but most of the time he is in his own world. I find it very distressing to visit so I know how you feel Lex.

As to the family doc, she is trying so I will give her that. She doesnt judge that is for sure, at least so far but I havent pushed any boundaries either. I guess I'll see where this leads with time. She did mention she was in touch with my Jo Ann (my pdoc) but didnt elaborate beyond that.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Kimberley]

The past couple of days have been pretty decent, in that I haven’t been doing any real struggling. Well there was one minor time. We were at the mall shopping. My wife looked at Wal Mart, I looked at the food court and Tim’s and said she can meet me there when she was done. She had only a few things to pick up so I knew that would be an hour to an hour and a half. I was close on the hour and a half. Anyway, I was sitting there sipping my coffee, just people watching. I was paying particular attention to the ladies of course, how could I not? Anyway, the more I watched the more I wondered, the more the old needs resurfaced and the more down I got. My wife asked me what was wrong when we finally were on our way. I just told her I was tired. I have to wonder sometimes why I made the choices I did. Well, if I hadn’t I would never have had the great family I do and I would have lost the rest of them. Either way it was one hell of a trade off.

I went out for breakfast on Friday with my father and uncle. We have missed the past few Fridays so it was good to get back together. Anyway, they hung a pile of my photos in the restaurant and banquet hall which was very cool. I hope someone will buy.

I received a note from my photography mentor wishing me a good Christmas. I love the man to bits. I just wish I had an ounce of his talent both creatively and for self promotion. I guess they go hand in hand. Anyway, I guess I won’t see him for a while until he comes back here again. I just cant afford to accompany him on his journeys. He travels the world doing exhibitions and speaking engagements.

I have been trying to help a couple of the forum members lately, one of whom appears to be in crisis. I hope she is going to be okay. I truly am worried. I gave her a contact of someone who might be able to help her get through this. I do hope she uses it.

Well, that is it for now. It is a beautiful sunny day and the temps are supposed to go double digit but I wonder. No matter, I will take advantage of the sun when I can get it. I hate the dreariness of cloudy days even though they are better for shooting film.

[CaptLex]

The struggle continues, Kimberley . . . it always does, I think, regardless of where we are on this road. It's always on our mind, bringing us up, bringing us down, and making us wonder, "what if . . . ?" Congrats on your pics being displayed. And the sun is a good companion on bad days (or to help keep them away), I've found. :hugs:

[Kimberley]

Thanks Capn.
I would like to get some sales of my artwork. When I went to my mentor's gallery opening, his were being snapped up at US$4500 and up. I could only wish.

As to the needs of transition. Yes you are right, they never go away and I think that dwelling on the "what ifs" just makes it worse. I know it does for me but it really is a viscious circle when it starts. The trick is breaking the cycle. I wish I had a key for that.

Thanks for reading and caring. :hugs:
Kimberley

[Kimberley]

Today was difficult for some reason. I really cant identify any triggers specifically, well maybe waking up to Il Divo might have done it…. Boy bands, okay; tenors, okay; tenor boy band is just wrong. Hell, they don’t even dance. Hmm Ava Maria done hip hop. Now there’s a visualization.

Perhaps having to bow out of the forums for the next couple of weeks had something to do with it? Hard to say although I know there are some people I will miss.

Anyway, I had to get to making the meatballs and sauce for Boxing Day. I started the meatballs at around 10, got them finished at 3 then got the sauce going until 9”30 tonight. I will put it on again tomorrow for another eight hours and that should do it until boxing day. I have about 5 gallons this time and 12 lbs of meatballs. That should feed the famille.

Yesterday I drove DJ all over town to get his shopping done. I also got the desktop comp repaired… I hope. I still have to hook it up again.. It is good to have him home again and although I enjoy the company I also miss having my own time. Oh well, he goes back to Asia the first week of January.

This not having any alone time is probably wearing on me as well. I am not used to it.

Well, tomorrow is Christmas eve and I will have a little shopping to do for stocking stuffers then to get back to the sauce. I think it should be a lot less stressful. At least I hope so.

I am totally worn out both physically and emotionally. I need to get some Z’s

Later.

[CaptLex]

This not having any alone time is probably wearing on me as well. I am not used to it.
I know that feeling - I always need my "me" time, all by myself. I can also relate to not getting enough sleep, especially during this hectic time. Keeping busy helps me keep my mind off things too. The holidays always cause me some anxiety, and this year it's no different, but it's been nice that I've been spending these past weeks with my own people - not family, but other trans people, and it's been such an upper. I'll be happy to see you back here when all this is over. :happy:

[Kimberley]

Well, the Christmas and New Year holidays are over and have been a mixed bag emotionally. The holidays themselves went well except for Al’s death. It is good that it happened while my bro-in-law was here because he can help my wife with doing all the legal stuff. He has extended his stay for an extra 10 days for this. In spite of knowing it was going to happen, just a matter of when, my father-in-law’s passing was still a bit of a shock. Surprisingly it didn’t put much of a damper on New Years here. The party went on as usual and I lost my shirt in both Ma Jong and cards. Oh well, it was only pennies we play for anyway. Surprisingly, my brother in law lost too and he plays it all the time in China.

I got sick the night before the funeral (Norwalk Virus I think) and am still fighting it. It is definitely nasty. Still, I went to the funeral and internment but then came home and went to bed. The others finally came home about 10 at night. I don’t usually miss a gathering of the clan but this time I certainly needed to. There was lots of Italian food and baking and sadly, I did miss that. Salvatore went back to Florida the day after the funeral so we wont see him till the summer now. We’ll see Carmello and Bart in June for the big BBQ here though. That is always a big deal.

I have been in drab 24/7 since the third week of December and it is really starting to weigh on me. There is absolutely no relief whatever. The only saving grace to that is that I have been ill and really not felt like doing anything except sleep; when I can get it. Maybe it is time to lock myself in the darkroom for a day. At least that way everyone knows to not come near me or risk the wrath. They only made that mistake once and ruined a photo I had been putting a lot of effort into completing. Now they yell from upstairs if they want to come to the basement for anything. I guess if the pressure gets really unbearable I can do that.

I have missed my friends from CD.com over the holidays although I did get a letter from Donna. A few others have dropped a quick note that let me know I was missed. That was very cool. I guess when that happens it really does make a difference because sometimes I wonder about my contributions as to whether they really are helpful. Regardless, I have been able to pop in for a few minutes at a time every few days just to sort of keep in touch. I am looking forward to being able to return fully after my bro in law goes home.

Well, I guess I should move on once again. I really am exhausted and should go lay down for a couple of hours. See everyone soon.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[CaptLex]

Welcome back, Kimberley, you were missed. Sorry about your father-in-law. Even when these things are expected, it's still a blow. Glad your holidays were good (even if you lost your shirt playing cards), sounds like a good group and Italian food (LOVE Italian food) - can't beat that.

Hope you're feeling better soon, and also hope you get to dressing again soon. Again, welcome back and please don't leave us for so long again - or you'll get one of these :spank:

[Felix]

Hi Kimberley hope ya don't mind me replyin, just wanted to say sorry about ya Father-in-Law :hugs: Hope ya feelin better soon too. The captains mate Felix xx :hugs:

[Kimberley]

Thanks guys for the warm fuzzy about being missed. Love ya's.

Thanks for the condolences on my father-in-law's death. He will be missed for sure. Life was never boring when he was around that is for sure.

Mob Boss huh? I would have thought consigliore since you work in a legal office. (Oh do I have stories about this scenario.) Oh well, I can get the ear of the new patriarch/godfather and see if he wants a new capo....:D

Cooking. I love to cook; all I need is a guest list. I also love to eat...:eek: Last night I did a French meal that was superb. (Roast beast marinated in wine then dry seasoned with Rosemary and cooked in the reserved Merlot with a clove of garlic and bay leaf; baby carrots served with a sugared beauchamel sauce made to the consistancy of cream, cheddar scallop potatoes. I made a sauce out of the jus to pour over the beef at serving. For an appetizer/soup I did a clear tomato soup with basil, sauvignon blanc, a bit of pepper and just a pinch of sugar to take off the edge of the acid from the tomatoes.

Ze peegs, zay ate all off eet....:heehee: Too stuffed for dessert.

Anyway, thanks guys. I will still be in and out as I can manage it for another week or so but will be here a little more often I am sure. See everyone soon.

:hugs: :love:
Kimberley

[Kimberley]

Well, things are going to finally come back to normal. HOORAY!!!

A strange thing happened last night at bedtime, then carried on into my dreams. Well, not really strange but more that it is infrequent.

I know I have talked before about “the child within” and I am sure that some pooh-pooh the concept but for me it is very real. That child is Kimberley, wide-eyed at the world yet wise with her exposure to it. I know she has grown over the years, but I am also guilty of keeping a lid on her for reasons of survival or I suppose it could be argued; convenience. It isn’t a denial of her but it is a compromise needed for my survival.

Anyway, she seemed to come up from within as I lay there waiting for sleep to overtake me and I really felt warm, loved if you want to call it that. It was a sense of peace I have not felt for a long time and it really did make me smile even into my sleep. Even there I recall feeling at ease which is in total contrast to my usual nightmares. She seemed to be there in force keeping me safe. It was such a touching experience, I have felt it all day. I hope it continues; I love the feeling of well being, of coexistence.

I wish I could have shared this with someone but alas, it is not to be.

:love:
Kimberley

[Calliope]

She seemed to be there in force keeping me safe.


A woman's touch - maternal, benevolent, sagacious.

I, too, have felt that presence.

[Kimberley]

Wow, so soon after the last entry. Go figure.

I have had a huge amount of “dysphoria” today, to the point that I was and still am obsessed with all this gender stuff. There is nothing in particular and everything in general only today it is worse than normal; a lot worse.

All the old “what ifs” kept coming up and then the regrets for not pursuing my needs of the day (the awakening; as horrible as it was) and now. Now there was a time I wish I could forget. Gender obsession of the highest order that only reinforced everything I already knew from my earliest memories.

As I sit here I am again feeling like that prepubescent kid who wanted to castrate himself. I am totally pissed off with my anatomy, my life choices, everything. It would be so much better for everyone if I just fell asleep and never woke up. All the things I want for myself are denied either by my own doing or societal. I could just scream!

If I had been stronger and felt comfortable as a child with my gender issues, I would have been screaming that I was a girl, not a boy. Unfortunately any kind of move in that direction resulted in swift corporal punishment. Today to do so will put me out on the street with no means of support either physically or mentally. Not a lot of difference really. What a mess!

I can feel the depression is kicking in with all of this going on and I shudder at where it is going. I hope it doesn’t go too deep or for too long. Maybe I am deluding myself with this conviction of family etc. Questions, questions and no answers.

Maybe a good night’s sleep will help turn off my brain. And the cycle continues. (I would scream a four letter word here if it wouldnt be deleted.)

[Calliope]

I, for one, certainly appreciate you being around, Kimberley.

And, just maybe, maybe maybe, had you been born a (genetic) girl, it's possible you might not be quite the wonderful person you are (although the suffering to get there is nothing to laud). I mean, we all wish to be female ('really female' cries that petulant little inner voice) but couldn't it be possible that, had such a fate be decreed, we'd be sitting around - I don't know - oblivious like some bitchy fashion model type, or Margaret Thatcher, or something?

Yeh, I'm grasping.

But I wanted to try to cheer you up.

[Kimberley]

Thanks hon. I appreciate it. The actual depression didnt last too long and I am feeling a lot better but the dysphoria is still rampant. Oh well, just put up with it I guess, get busy and try to put all this in the background.

I think you have opened another whole question here. What if we were born cisgendered female? Hmmmmm. I would hope to be basically the same person without all the baggage. Who knows?

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Maggie Kay]

I would say that GD is one of my major battles. It killed my sex life as I cannot bear to get it up.... Fortunately, hormone treatments have just about taken that away. I have been through the nightmares which are too graphic to mention to the point of yelling out in my sleep. These episodes of upset ebb and flow for reasons I cannot fathom. I just passed though one recently and only for the past few days have I been able to concentrate on something else than TG issues. I have no panaceas or magic cures. I just try to look forward to some nice femme thing or activity and treat myself as respectfully as possible. Best of luck in handling your GD and finding a place to be in this insane world.

[Kimberley]

<chomp> ... While reading the forums I began to wonder just how much control over my life this gender issue really has. It is not all consuming but it certainly is significant. Is it debilitating? Good question. I have to think that in many areas it is. I just feel so lost so often. I guess it is the internal battles so many of us have to face one way or another. To make the choice to go forward as Kimberley is so frightening because of the consequences, yet to retain the status quo of this duality is causing a lot of anxiety because of that decision. It is a no win situation for me.

God doesn’t make mistakes? Well, I wonder what the purpose of this hell is? Probably another reason I am not religious.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Maggie Kay]

There is an old story.
A Native American's horse runs away, his friends tell him, "That is bad luck", he says, " Maybe..."
Then the horse comes back with a whole herd of wild horses. His friends say "What a wonderful thing, it is good luck after all ". He says "Maybe"
His son falls off one of the wild horses while trying to tame them and breaks his leg. The father's friends say " I guess it was bad luck like we said in the first place", he says "Maybe"
Then the chief of the tribe declares war on a neighboring tribe and all young men are set to fight and most are killed. Since his son was laid up with the broken leg, he was spared. The friends say ....

The idea is that we have no idea what is good or bad "luck" in most situations. Our TG could be good as easily as it could be bad. There are many positive sides to TG. My overall health is vastly better because of my increased interest in taking care of myself to look more femme. I spend much more time with my wife and have joined in her hobbies. We have shared interests and with that are closer than most couples. Yes, I have embarrassing moments, times when I am obsessed with TG issues, times when I crave more femininity than I have, times when I look at my body and cringe. I think that the worst part is how much time it takes up every day trying to cope. How much of what is left of my life will it throw away wringing my hands over this? I hope I can put TG in perspective, someday soon. This is my goal. Live with it, go on and stop being so upset about something I cannot change. I have so much more to live for.

[pocoyo]

Ahhh yeah, I think there are definitely good things about being TG.
I mean here are just a few (sorry I'm WELL tired and thumpy-headed but I'll try hard to make sense):

Like Kay says, thinking about appearance and health has a good impact on our general health and wellbeing, because we learn a lot about ourselves and how to look after ourselves.
Whether it be you keeping yourself slender to have a good figure for a slinky dress, or one of us FtM's working out to be toned & more boyish of figure... it's darn good for us!

Also... I mean I know mine is in reverse to yours but I feel privaleged in a way to have been able to live as a GG at certain points in my life... ok so I wasn't a totally normal one but you know... I know that if I transition I will have such a good understanding of certain things females go through and have to deal with... that I will be a really nice person. I mean... yeah, I like just men at the moment but if I transition there is a pretty large chance that I will be bisexual. And because I have lived as a female I know that I would be a really nice boyfriend for a girl. (I probably would even if I hadn't been female before :p but I would be extra nice and understanding because of it).

Sorry I'm really not making much sense. What I mean is. In a way I wonder if I had to spend time as a female to make me a better, more understanding, balanced person.

Also... most TG people (esp transexual it seems) are very kind, tolerant, open-minded people (which imo is what people should be like). Perhaps if they hadn't had this "issue" they wouldn't have realised how sensitive certain things can be to people, and how important it is to be respectful to people etc.

Also a lot of people don't really "get to know" themselves, and just plod along in the same dull routine. TG people seem to really question/learn about themselves, and take time to understand & enjoy themselves. So they have a more colourful and fun and fulfilling time.

Plus... imagine if you hadn't met all the wonderful people here :eek:
Surely it's worth being TG just for that :p

[Kimberley]

I have to agree, there definitely are some positives to all of this.

Kay and Pocs, you both hit on a very valid point, health. I can agree with you on that count even if for me it is still in the background. You see, when I purged in 2001 I intentionally put on weight; a lot of it. The purpose to this was to make myself unattractive enough that I wouldnt want to dress. It worked at least for a couple of years. Then came the psych crises and the meds which put more on me. Overall I have put 40 lbs on. Too much for someone 5'8" and has always been in the range of 135 to 140 lbs. Unhealthy? Of course. Getting rid of it is another battle of course and it is complicated by some arthritis that occasionally flares up making exercise difficult sometimes.

I think that for most of us though the greater concern is mental health. I think all of us have to suffer some anxiety over being transgendered no matter what degree we identify. I do believe though that it is much easier for someone who is single. As soon as a marriage and children figure in the whole jigsaw puzzle gets jumbled up pretty quickly.

I dont believe that even with acceptance by an SO that the unconditional understanding we crave is there. I think that even the GG's will express some reservations every once in a while. It is something we all understand and have to expect. Perhaps the only exception I can think of is KittyGG who has been with Dee through this whole process even to the point of running interference to protect her. (She is amazing in my books even if we dont always see eye to eye.)

Pocs, I find your preferences in sexuality intriguing. Are we seeing a definite shift towards bi? Just curious, you dont have to answer of course.

I agree with the thought that we do have a tendancy to get to know ourselves better than most people. I also wonder if that isnt a double edged sword in that the more we know, the more we question.

Kay, I think you will get it into perspective someday, but dont try to rush it. Some of us have been doing this for years. We get to self acceptance then some stupid thing happens and we take a step back. I have come to accept it as part of being trans.

Thanks for your thoughtful replies. Your words are always welcome and good for discussion. That is the reason I put this thread up; to initiate thought and discussion.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[pocoyo]

Pocs, I find your preferences in sexuality intriguing. Are we seeing a definite shift towards bi? Just curious, you dont have to answer of course.

Well... (I was trying to explain this to my mum last night actually).
I'll try to make sense!
Ok so... at the moment, I do not find women attractive at all (as a girl). But if they see me as a boy I do.

The thought of being with a female-bodied person with a female body myself repulses me. If I had a male body however I think I would enjoy it.

I would at least try dating females once I transitioned.

Whenever I get flirted at by girls the male in me loves it, but I soon think "oh ewwww" when I think of my female body.

I also don't even like doing stuff with boys that goes past kissing really, because it feels like I am somehow inferior plus I start to feel all disgusted. That is why I have resisted having a boyfriend for so long (even though I did date one for a bit recently to make people happy but obviously that didn't work out as I couldn't take it!)

So back to last night...

Mum kept saying "well I think you should try dating a girl.."
I replied "EWWW but I'm not a lesbian!! If I was I'd be proud.. but I'm not! I don't want to date a girl right now"
She said "Exactly....you'd find out that you didn't fancy girls!"
I was like "Well of course I wouldn't... at the moment... but if I'd transitioned it would be a different matter..."

It is complex but it makes sense to me! It seems hard for other people to understand though!

As a girl I am "straight"... as a boy I am "gay"... but I also think.. no I KNOW... that I would try being "bi" if I was (physically) a boy.

[Kimberley]

Last night I was tired and ready for bed early but for some reason I watched TV for a bit, call it karma if you want. I ended up watching a documentary on The Life Network about a couple somewhere in the SF area. Jennifer is TG and her partner allowed the cameras to follow them and they also provided some personal insight in private interviews. I cried after it was over and even now I am emotional.

Jennifer began her transition a couple of years before this filming and Chris seemed to be accepting of it, even supportive as she progressed through to the orchiectomy. Jennifer was very happy and while her wife was apparently happy with all of it she also had reservations about GRS if it were to come to that. In a way I felt sorry for her, just for the reasons so many of the partners of our gurls express. They don’t know where it will end. The one thing that came through was their love for one another, not just cerebral, but emotional and physical. I think that is what hurt me most, seeing that and questioning.

While it was an informative and well done program, It has left me with a lot of mixed feelings. I could see how happy Jennifer is/was but she kept the things that mattered most to her; her family. I know that wouldn’t happen with me if I were to even attempt to go forward.

I need to shake this loose, it is just bringing me down.

:sad:
Kimberley

[Siobhan Marie]

Hi Kimberley, I just wanted to tell you that I have been reading this thread from the start. Although I haven't posted before, this is because I don't feel that there is anything I can say or do that'll make better as this is something that affects us all in varying degrees. All I can say is that I'm here for you and I do care. I just wanted you to know that and I'm sending you these, :bighug: and :koc:

huge :hugs: and cuddles Anna Marie x

[kerrianna]

Hi Kimberley,
I saw that program too, and all I could think about was how AMAZING Jennifer's wife was. You could see on her face, every single step Jennifer was taking that it was a like a shock to Chris's system and every single time a test of their love. Even though it was a heartwarming story of love triumping, etc...I just kept getting a sense of underlying dread for them as Jennifer still had a long way to go to be happy (if she ever really will be). I wish them all the luck, but that story really did point out to me that it is an exceptional couple, even more exceptional family, that can stay together through that.

Having said that, there are thousands of exceptional families that stay together through troubled times. Health issues especially can take their toll and test love, so I guess the lesson is to never underestimate the power of love. But love needs loyalty to survive. And loyalty tested over and over again will eventually cause suffering and resentment. I don't think there's any easy way out of that.

So back in the real world where it rains on our heads I guess we just do the best we can and roll with the punches. I know you deserve better than that. You are a wonderful person, insightful, clever, fun, creative and inspiring. You are and always will be more than your gender. In the end all you have done for others, everything you have touched with your beauty, all the sacrifices you have made for others, will be left as your imprint on the world and the world will be a better place for it. Know this, Kimberley, for it is TRUE.

My wish is for you to always have a space in your heart and soul for your true manifestation, to be able to touch that everyday and receive deep happiness, and to be given opportunity by the tangible world to BE Kimberley in every which way imaginable.
:hugs: :hugs: :love: Ker

[pocoyo]

AWww Kimbers... I can totally understand why that left you confused and feeling blue. :hugs: I would have liked to have seen that programme.
I'm afraid I'm not very good at giving advice/being helpful/making sense tonight.
But I think Kerrianna said it all really (smart chick!)
You are a wonderful person and just don't ever forget that.
:bighug::love:
I hope you are feeling much more cheery soon lovely Kims!

pocoyo
XxXxX

[CaptLex]

So back in the real world where it rains on our heads I guess we just do the best we can and roll with the punches. I know you deserve better than that. You are a wonderful person, insightful, clever, fun, creative and inspiring. You are and always will be more than your gender. In the end all you have done for others, everything you have touched with your beauty, all the sacrifices you have made for others, will be left as your imprint on the world and the world will be a better place for it. Know this, Kimberley, for it is TRUE.
Well said, Kerrianna . . . I couldn't have said it any better. No easy answers here, unfortunately. It's hard to see something wonderful for someone else without saying, "why doesn't that happen to me?" A kiss and a hug for you, sweetie. :kiss: :bighug:

[Kimberley]

Anna: Thank you for your kind words. Please dont be shy to comment; ever.

Kerri: As always you are so very perceptive. I know what you are saying is true, it is just that sometimes we cant see the forest for the trees. I get like that sometimes when something like this really gets to me.

Pocs: You always have something to say. Quit running yourself down damnit! You are often helpful whether you know it or not.

Capn: Thanks for your input as well. This whole thing can get all consuming way too easily and sometimes we need good people to point us in the right direction again. I know I need that every once in a while; sometimes gently but more often than not to be shot out of a cannon.... :D

:hugs: to all of you.
Kimberley

Just a side note here. I have an appt with Jo Ann (my pdoc) today. I am going to take a copy of my journal to her. :eek: Wish me luck.

[joanlynn28]

I watched the show Unique Families too on TLC Monday night. To me Jennifer's words and thoughts exactly match mine, everything she said were my words too. But I do feel that her marraige is eventually going to end, the need to transition and have GRS is too great. Despite all of this they still have a very loving relationship and two very beautiful children to take care of.

[Kimberley]

Yes Joan, I agree with you. There were many clues to that need to transition. I had a sense that Chris' was putting on a brave face for the cameras; that all was not as well as we were seeing. We dont know what goes on behind closed doors of course.

Still, their committment to one another and their family was phenomenal.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Siobhan Marie]

I have an appt with Jo Ann (my pdoc) today. I am going to take a copy of my journal to her. :eek: Wish me luck.

Kimberley, I really hope that your appointment with Jo Ann goes well.

huge :hugs: Anna Marie x

[Kimberley]

Thank you Anna.

The appointment was a rough one in that I had to tackle some domestic issues that seem to be ongoing. There was a lot of self loathing going on so that didnt make it any easier.

I imagine that next appointment she will want to talk about the journal after she has had time to read and digest it. As most have read, it pretty much is a picture of gender dysphoria so where this will go I have no idea. I do see things coming to a head down the road and that scares the hell out of me.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Siobhan Marie]

Kimberley, I'm sorry that your appointment was a rough one honey. I hope that you do sort out (if that's indeed possible) your domestic issues and I hope that you are feeling a little easier in yourself. I know that I can't do this in person but believe me, if I could, I would. So I'm sending them to you, :bighug: and :koc:

huge :hugs: and cuddles Anna Marie x

[pocoyo]

Kimberley, sorry that you are feeling uncertain at the moment. :(
I hope it can sort of be a good uncertainty... in that you could feel some kind of excitement at what the future could hold.
I hope too that you can sort out your domestic problems.
Or at least that you are feeling some kind of happiness and okness soon.
I will send you a hug too :)
:bighug:

love from pocs :love:

[Ms. Donna]

The appointment was a rough one in that I had to tackle some domestic issues that seem to be ongoing. There was a lot of self loathing going on so that didnt make it any easier.
Hey Girl,

We both know that this has been a long time in the making. An equalibrium needs to be reached: an impossibility when neither you nor your home situation are willing to yield. You seem to have hit that point where it's no longer an option - whether to 'do something' or not: it is now a matter of survival. It's never feels good to have your options limited by forces external to oneself.

I get the self loathing thing - there are more than enough post floating around where I beat on myself over all I have put my wife (and myself) through with all of this. I suspect, however, that yours is more about what is likely to come to pass rather than what you have done, and that can be even worse because we look at where it is we see ourselves going and think "I don't have to do this. It doesn't have to be like this." The problem is that deep down, we know better. We are at this point because we have said over and over "I don't have to do this." - until we finally realize that this is our final option. We need to do what we need to do - not out of selfishness, but for survival - to give ourselves a chance at something resembling peace in our lives.


I imagine that next appointment she will want to talk about the journal after she has had time to read and digest it. As most have read, it pretty much is a picture of gender dysphoria so where this will go I have no idea. I do see things coming to a head down the road and that scares the hell out of me.
As I posted to Lisa:

"One recognizes one's course by discovering the paths that stray from it."
You've been down the side streets and blind allys. You know the paths that take you away from where you need to be. It doesn't make it any the less scary, but you know that you have tried to find a different path - a path other than the one on which you now find yourself. You are not here on a whim - you're here for a reason.

Remember that there are people who care about you. Don't be afraid to lean on them.

Let me know if you want to talk.

Love and :hugs:,
Donna

[Kimberley]

Thanks for the comments and support.

The fact that a session with the pdoc is rough is usually a sign of progress, at least in my experience. It may not happen right away, but it will happen and something will come out of it that will provide a positive result for moi.

The domestic issues here are largely outside my control so my focus it to first of all avoid any triggers that could initiate them and secondly do my best to deflect things when they escalate. The issues are not going to go away as some of you know. Yes, it is a matter of survival; no question about it.

As to TG issues, these are a part of it but not the catalyst, at least directly. Once in a while they are but not often. They are a sort of undertow in the river if that makes sense.

As Donna said I have seen all the alleys and dead ends. She has been there with me to bring me back on more than one occasion. She has also been a huge influence on my seeing who I am and accepting that. For me, that really is not a question. My question is as she pointed out, one of survival.

The complexity of the situation is where most of the problems are created, some by myself, some by others (that I take ownership of and shouldnt) Donna has kicked my behind on more than one occasion for that one. So she is absolutely right in her reminder that things will come to a head, both she and I know and have discussed this many times.

The big question mark is when. As I said I can see that things are heading toward a confrontation but what form that will take, when and under what circumstances are still in the air. That Jo Ann now has my journal (a lot more than was posted here) I think is going to point us in a different direction. Perhaps not. One thing is for sure, the branches are being cleared from the path.

What will remain at the end is my survival and I need to define under what circumstances that will happen. This is much more than just "coming out" as it were. This is about personal survival and all that entails with a lot of variables that are guaranteed not to be positives.

The support system will be critical.

Thanks to all for your comments and concerns. They are deeply appreciated.
:hugs: and :love:
Kimberley

[michelleupnorth]

Hi, I can relate a lot to what you are saying and I've had enough. Going to see my Dr. on the 27th of Feb and will start my transformation slowly

It sucks looking like someone I'm not. i think society has made me feel this way. I'm no freak and that took a long time to accept.

[Kimberley]

Hi Michelle.
I am so glad you are doing this for yourself. It is a long process, one that is worthwhile if one is TG or TS and has a support system in place. We have many options available, so make sure you explore them in detail before committing to anything. After all, it is your body and you are the one who will have to live with the changes.

Our system in Canada is generally a lot more friendly towards us, but not always. It just requires a bit of creative thinking by the docs.

Please keep us informed of your progress? People do want to know, probably your feelings more than the process and believe it, we do want to know and help. There have been others before you so they will have some sage advice from their own experiences.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[michelleupnorth]

Thanks for your words, Kimberley made my tears flow to no that people understand.

Michelle

[Siobhan Marie]

Michelle, I agree with with what Kimberley said, we are here for you and remember this, we're all so brave, only we don't know it and please keep us updated with your progress.

huge :hugs: Anna Marie x

[Kimberley]

As a couple of you know, I have had a bit of a rough go over the past bit and thank you for your support and kindness. Each of you are so special to me.

Today, I finally heard the word Transsexual from someone outside our community as an affirmation. It was so overwhelming to know that someone (my pdoc) knows, understands and accepts it for what it is, that being what I make it. I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted. There are many other things to deal with of course but this one made a huge difference. It was like seeing self acceptance all over again.

:hugs: and :love:
Kimberley

[Siobhan Marie]

Kimberley, you're special to me too. I count you as a big sister, hopefully one I can turn to if I ever need to. I also count Sharon as one of my big sisters too and not forgetting all my other wonderful brothers and sisters on here. I care, I really do and I understand as well. I just hope you're feeling that bit better inside. I've heard the Transsexual word from outside our circle as well and it made my heart leap and made me want to cry tears of joy that some people do understand and realise what it's all about. As for your weight being lifted from you, I bet it feels great. As for the other stuff, I'm pretty sure that you'll deal with it as best you can. If you can't bring it here to us and we'll help you in any way that we can. We're here for you hun and never forget that we're all in this together. If it's any comfort at all I'm going to send you these as I can't give them to you in person because believe me if I could then I surely would, :bighug: and :koc:

huge :hugs: and cuddles to one of my big sisters

your little sister Anna Marie x

[Maggie Kay]

Kimberley,
Congrats on the affirmation. I wish that I could also have that for me as well. I won't use the T word in conversations with my wife because it brings up stuff that we both can't seem to talk about. Instead we dance around it with me basically being full time RLE. Just don't say the word and we are OK. Weird isn't it? I know that someday it will come up again and more acceptance will happen but for now we play our game.

[CaptLex]

Isn't it great when someone doesn't have to walk in our shoes to really get it? I wish it were that easy for everyone. Congrats! :hugs:

[Kimberley]

Thank you all for your comments.

Anna, I am always available with a good ear to listen. Dont ever be shy to knock on the door. I will always answer. :hugs:

Kay, oh how I can relate to that. It is a dance for sure only in my case there is no transition. She totally refuses to acknowledge any of this. I can manage (although some days I even question that) to deal with things. I hope it will work out for you. One of my friends who is transitioning went through hell with her marriage but after a year, her SO has come to terms with it and it so far extremely supportive, way beyond anything anyone could predict. :hugs:

Lex, what can I say? Always on the mark. :hugs: :hugs:

Kimberley

[Siobhan Marie]

Anna, I am always available with a good ear to listen. Dont ever be shy to knock on the door. I will always answer.

Kimberley, Thank you so much. That's so good to know.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Kimberley]

Time flies so rapidly these days yet it drags on miserably at the same time.

I have been tending to the needs of my father after his surgery and next week he goes again. It does keep me hopping that is for sure. This time off from teaching has been far too short and I dont feel at all rested; but that could just as easily be the persistant depression I have been putting up with. It doesnt seem to be getting any easier that is for sure.

I questioned my pdoc about this and she believes it is a symptom rather than a cause. She said she would only go as far as to label my situation as complicated grief. When I asked about that she said that my greatest loss has been of self. Makes sense I guess but really hasnt put things into any perspective I can relate to. She is right though in that I often wonder who I am amidst all this junk rattling around in my head. Sometimes I think I have it nailed down then everything gets shaken up again. Some roller coaster.

Oh well, there will be better days to come. There always are. It is just the down days that make life so difficult. On the plus side of things.... spring is here! We have had a couple of great warm and sunny days. I love it.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[kerrianna]

:hugs: :love: Yeah, Kimberley it's tough being a work in progress all the time eh? At least you know that there are going to be ups and downs, and can appreciate the good moments.

It's a beautiful spring day here too. Sure makes me a happier girl. :happy:

[Kimberley]

It has been too long since I posted anything. Anyway, today has been a total write off in that it has been a roller coaster of a ride. My mood seems to be dropping by the minute.

What kicked it off was a program on ABC's 20/20 last night where Babba Wawa did an hour on transgender children. It just ripped me apart opening old wound after old wound. I was a basket case by the end of the show. Still and all, it was good and for the most part her researchers got it right. There were a couple of points where their info was old but mostly it was on the mark.

Anyway, sleep was elusive and the emotions were all over the map. Today has been no better especially with a couple of comments made early in the morning.

So, even now I am still stinging from the horrid memories that were brought up. I just hope I can sleep tonight.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[CaptLex]

Kimberley . . . :sad: :hugs:

I wish you a better night's sleep tonight, tomorrow and in the future, and a sunnier tomorrow. :itsok: :bighug:

[Siobhan Marie]

Kimberley . . . :sad: :hugs:

I wish you a better night's sleep tonight, tomorrow and in the future, and a sunnier tomorrow. :itsok: :bighug:

Kimberley, I'm with Lex on this one hun (goes over to Kimberley and gives her the biggest cuddle that she can). It's ok sis, you will get some sleep. Sending you loads and loads of :hugs:

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Kimberley]

Thanks Lex and Anna. It is comforting to know others care and I know there is no shortage of that here and among some other friends.

I am still having sleep problems but eventually it will all catch up and I will crash big time. It always happens that way.

I think what was most disturbing were the nasty memories that resurfaced. I had forgotten about them I guess (or buried them too deep.) What really did me in was when Riley broke down in Babba Wawa's arms. Memories of very early (3yrs old) abuse came out of nowhere.

I dont know if others find this sort of thing happening or not but it is rough when it does that is for sure. I think what I find most disturbing is that today the psych community have at least a fingerhold on all of this where when I was a child it was ... well, let's just call it abnormal and thought to be correctable one way or another. :eek:

I guess our parents did what they thought was right with what little they had. I'm not so sure most parents today are educated any better, but at least there are resources that didnt exist back in the 50's

Maybe this is why I am such an advocate for TG children and youth.

Anyway, Thanks so much again. It really does mean a lot. (Oh, and I would like to hear your thoughts and experiences if you are so inclined.)

:hugs:
Kimberley

[CaptLex]

Oh, and I would like to hear your thoughts and experiences if you are so inclined.
Regarding what, specifically? The 20/20 show on TG children or something else?

[Kimberley]

I was thinking on the line of parents dealing with TG children. As I said, mine were in total opposition. I just wonder how far we have come or have we?

:hugs:

Kimberley