confused again

[pocoyo]

I don't know why I'm posting this here, 'cos I can pretty much guess what some of the answers will be anyway.
I predict (lovely, sensible, caring and helpful) answers such as:
"You know how you feel inside", "Don't let how other's see you affect how you feel about yourself", and "Only you know the truth".

Well that's the problem you see.. I don't.
I don't have some little light flashing inside me that says "Yes, I am definitely a boy."

I just know that I'm not a proper girl.
I also know that I don't want to be an "in-between" androgynous person with a girl's body. However I wouldn't mind being androgynous or even girly as a boy (if I had a male body I mean).

I would totally love to be a boy.. but would it just be a novelty thing and wear off and then I'd miss being a girl? Gah.

Mum worries that it might be a phase... not in that patronising "oh it's just a phase" way. But in a "you often get very into and interested by things" way.

However I have had feelings of being a boy my whole life on and off/liking pretending to be a boy/longing to be a boy/often desperately wanting people to think I'm a boy.

I shouldn't really post this self-absorbed stuff on this forum.
It's just I long to get some feedback that might shed new light on it for me... something I haven't already heard or thought of...


I guess really I'm searching for an answer...(like so many) but then that leads me back down the road of "Only you know"... like I said... I don't :(

When I think about it, some of my problem is not wanting to let others down. I don't want mum to have to "lose her daughter" (even though she might gain a very happy son), I don't want to put my dad and family through the discomfort of seeing me differently.
I even don't want to put myself through feeling awkward and selfish around them and really embarrased to be the fully male me (if I transitioned I mean) incase they think I'm weird/horrible and they feel uncomfortable.

Mum saw those 2 girly pics of me earlier (that I had posted on here for a while) and she was going "awww I so love those pictures of you...". It made me feel really bad on a couple of levels.

Perhaps the male me is just a selfish thing that should have remained a secret. I'd never think that of anyone else though, so I guess I shouldn't think it of myself. Meh.

Anyway I'm gonna shut up now or I won't get any feedback 'cos no-one will have bothered reading such a long and boring post :p

Later dudes (and any dudettes who might be reading) x

[ubokvt]

Once in my life I was faced with the decision of living my life for me or living it for other family members, I chose to live the next 6 yrs of my life for them. It was hell, in the end I couldn't take it anymore and changed. The others came to me told me they were happy I was finialy happy and they couldn't understand why I'd done it for so long. They knew I was in pain and it didn't make their lives better. If you suffer they will suffer, if you're happy they have a chance to be happy not bear the burden of your sacrifice.

[CaptLex]

I don't know why I'm posting this here, 'cos I can pretty much guess what some of the answers will be anyway. . . . "Only you know the truth".
That may be true, but sometimes it takes us a while to find that truth inside us and let it out - sometimes a very long while. Frustrating, I know.


I wouldn't mind being androgynous or even girly as a boy (if I had a male body I mean).
I know what you mean.


However I have had feelings of being a boy my whole life on and off/liking pretending to be a boy/longing to be a boy/often desperately wanting people to think I'm a boy.
In that case, it certainly doesn't sound like a phase . . .


I shouldn't really post this self-absorbed stuff on this forum.
Why not? That's what the forum is for.


When I think about it, some of my problem is not wanting to let others down.
I think that's a big clue right there - pay attention to that one.


Perhaps the male me is just a selfish thing that should have remained a secret. I'd never think that of anyone else though, so I guess I shouldn't think it of myself. Meh.
Very doubtful . . . "a selfish thing" probably wouldn't be so concerned about how it's going to affect everyone else.


Anyway I'm gonna shut up now or I won't get any feedback 'cos no-one will have bothered reading such a long and boring post :p
Huh? What? Is it over? I think I fell asleep there (you wally - like my new word?). :heehee:

I wish I had the answers for you, hun, I really do. I wish I could just look into a crystal ball and say, "here you go!" All I can say is I know that feeling and it made me hit my head against the wall for a while too :wall:, so I can really relate. I hope you will find the answers too 'cause I hate to see anybody suffering like this. :hugs:

[Charleen]

I feel for you. I think all of us, MtF, FtM, have these thoughts, so as the saying goes, You are not alone any more. If you look at the MtF site, this is brought up there as well. Only thing I can suggest is to stop thinking about it. Try to think of other things for a while. Works for me. Everry time I try to meet a big problem head on I get deeper and deeper with no solution in sight. As soon as I get involved in something else for a while, an answer to the original problem comes through. I wish you well, and this IS the place to lay this kind of thing out. Love and xxxx, Lily

[mistunderstood]

Sometimes you have to not think about the details. You get lost in them if you don't. Live your life to the fullest. Any way that feels right to you. If you want to be a guy go for it,if a girl go for it. Just do not turn 50 and realized half your life is gone. Live it with gusto. Some days I pass as a guy sometimes I do not but I keep comeing back and trying even though I feel as a failure. There is now right or wrong answer just get out and live. Just do it. Grab life by the short hairs and do not let go. I know when I secound guess my-self I get my-self all worked up and bummed out. So I just keep it simple. Hang in there and have fun.

[Holly]

Pocoyo, I can feel your anguish in your words. Please accept this :hugs:.

Do you think it is possible to look at this as something other than a black and white issue with only one solution? You say that the is no light flashing inside saying that you are definitely a boy. I would ask, "So what?" In all my years (we talked about that yesterday :p ) I've never encountered anyone who was 100% female or male. How much easier this would be for all of us if that were the case. And yet, how many of the wonderful things of life would we miss out on if we allowed ourselves to be neatly sorted into little F and M boxes. Those of us who are transgendered are, in my opinion, are blessed. It's not easy, but it really is a blessing. We have been given the gift of being able to experience bits and pieces of gender other than our birth sex. So I would ask, "What's wrong with being both?" You see, I don/t think we have to necessarily settle for one gender or the other. As I shared with you yesterday, I find incredible joy when I can be loosed on the world as Holly. There is a sense of fulfillment that I just cannot attain when I live my birth gender. I feel intense feelings, many of which I have been able to incorporate into my day to day living. At other times, I am happy fulfilling my role as a husband and a father. In any case, my being TG has contributed to the total me as a person.

So perhaps, Poyoco, the key is in being able to find the balance of female and male in your life. For some, it could be presenting and participating in activities in our trans lifestyle full time and severely limiting our birth gender presentation. Others will balance activities between the two genders. That's where I am... balancing. It could be right for you, too. Be happy where you are. If you sense it's time to move on sometime in the future, then make plans and do it.

One last thought, you seem to be concerned how your actions would impact others (specifically your family). I get the impression that you and your mother are fairly close. Is this something that you could discuss with her? For what it's worth, most parents are primarily concerned with their children's happiness.

If you ever want to talk, the "Unofficial CD Mom" will always be here for you.

[Kate Simmons]

Like I said before Poc.I love you for who you are. Brother , sister, whatever.The Pocoyo I know is full of life and the dickens. You have us to talk to. We all share our feelings here.Nothing is cast in stone one way or the other. The one who is important to all of us is you, yourself regardless of what that person looks like. I don't like you being this way. WE need you and we all need each other. So, snap out of it and don't make me cry again.That's an order sailor. I care about you, Hon and so does everybody else.:hugs: Ericka

[bi_weird]

Hey Poc, only you know who you are. *laughs* sorry, I shouldn't joke, but I haven't got a magic wand so I offer a smile instead.
I really only have two small things to reply. First, don't deny yourself for your family. It's all well and good to want to not cause them distress, but repression is a bad bad thing. Respect what they feel, but not at the expense of who you are.
The other thing is that I'm in a similar place, and all I can come up with is slow and steady bub, slow and steady. Give yourself time to consider all that comes with this idea (which seems to be a heck of a lot more than just what pants to buy) and in the meantime let yourself be whoever you feel at the moment. Let yourself wear a tie one day and androgynous clothes the next and girly clothes on those random days when that appeals too. Go with what you feel, and hopefully you'll come to some sort of consesus eventually.
But never hesitate to rant and ramble - it's a good thing, and we're all hear to listen to each other.

[Lisa Golightly]

My mum or 'mom' ;) has a couple of graduation photos of me on her wall. Whenever I look at them I see the answers. When I look into his eyes it's almost like looking at someone else, an actor playing a part. When I look at her eyes I see honesty.

So... I'm not going to say look into yourself and see the answers, but even I could see two very different people in your photos. One was honest, and one was acting... The eyes tell you everything... 'That's all I got to say about that.' :)

[Abraxas]

Wow, Pocs. Are you reading my mind again?



Well that's the problem you see.. I don't.
I don't have some little light flashing inside me that says "Yes, I am definitely a boy."

I just know that I'm not a proper girl.
I also know that I don't want to be an "in-between" androgynous person with a girl's body. However I wouldn't mind being androgynous or even girly as a boy (if I had a male body I mean).

I would totally love to be a boy.. but would it just be a novelty thing and wear off and then I'd miss being a girl? Gah.


I don't mean to sound patronising, but I know what you mean. I know I've never felt comfortable calling myself a girl, or having other people call me that. But on the other hand, I do get this little pang when people use male pronouns, too. It's like, neither shoe fits. I know pronouns are just words, but neither one fits. And neither do any of those zhim/herm/ whatever. I'm not in a box-- I'm standing on top of a box, or to one side. Part of me feels like I want to climb in, and part of me feels like I want to run screaming from the vicinity. It's really confusing. Shouldn't we, really, know who we are? I mean, I know WHAT I am. I know I'm a musician, a writer, I know I'm generous and a good friend and all that. None of that causes me any grief, pain, or confusion, but this 'who' business. That's what really throws me. I don't want to be a boy or a girl, but I don't NOT want to be, either. I want to be David Bowie. Haha! I know I like confusing people, keeping them on their toes. But I don't like being confused.




Mum worries that it might be a phase... not in that patronising "oh it's just a phase" way. But in a "you often get very into and interested by things" way.

However I have had feelings of being a boy my whole life on and off/liking pretending to be a boy/longing to be a boy/often desperately wanting people to think I'm a boy.


Same here, bud. When I first got into Eddie Izzard, she did say I was trying to emulate him. And in a way I was, because I do tend to adopt other peoples' personas. But it's always more in mimicking the way they walk, talk, gesture, etc. I've always done it, and I think that those behaviours are well- related to my transgenderism. I don't feel like a complete person, or I don't know who I am, so I slot myself into someone else's persona to feel like I have some sort of connection, or to feel like I'm a real human. I'm not sure why, exactly, but I like to think about it. But then again, nobody can exist in a vacuum-- we're all really bits and pieces of someone else. We can't all be completely original. I know that sounds really pessimistic, but it's true. Everything from our accents to our taste in films is based on us emulating, even unconsciously, someone else. I've thought that perhaps since I've only ever had male role models, only really been into guys in the 'fandom' arena, etc., maybe deep inside I feel like I can only relate to guys. And maybe deep inside I think other people think that way (yes, it is sexist), so I want to make myself male to earn the respect of others.
But then, maybe, if I did become male, I would want to throw myself back to being female-- but I can only see that happening on the sexual/relationship front. Simple explanation-- I don't like the idea of only being able to have gay sex (and I don't want to shag women). Maybe it's hedonistic, or maybe it's a biological imperative. I don't know.



When I think about it, some of my problem is not wanting to let others down. I don't want mum to have to "lose her daughter" (even though she might gain a very happy son), I don't want to put my dad and family through the discomfort of seeing me differently.
I even don't want to put myself through feeling awkward and selfish around them and really embarrased to be the fully male me (if I transitioned I mean) incase they think I'm weird/horrible and they feel uncomfortable.

Mum saw those 2 girly pics of me earlier (that I had posted on here for a while) and she was going "awww I so love those pictures of you...". It made me feel really bad on a couple of levels.


Oh, boy, you're reading my mind again. I never wear shorts or sleeveless shirts if I'm unshaven-- but only because I don't want people to go 'that's gross' or feel uncomfortable. And I don't want to have to explain myself to people. While I know my family wants me to be happy, I know that no matter what they will still see me as what they've always seen me as. And, for most of them, that's a girl. I mean, hell, my mum changed my nappies, you know? There is that whole special relationship we've got, and the only reason we have it is because she sees me as a girl. If she saw me as a boy we'd never be able to drool together over Hugh Laurie and Eddie Izzard. We wouldn't be friends. And I don't ever want to lose that. Because the number one rule in my life is that I will never hurt my mother. I couldn't handle that. I don't like to hurt other people, but if necessary, I would. I would rather die than hurt my mother, ever.

Anyway. I hope you've got a few answers, or buds of answers. The more you think about things, though, the more confusing they tend to become. Such is life, I guess. :hugs:

[Kieron Andrew]

My mum or 'mom' ;) has a couple of graduation photos of me on her wall. Whenever I look at them I see the answers. When I look into his eyes it's almost like looking at someone else, an actor playing a part. When I look at her eyes I see honesty.

So... I'm not going to say look into yourself and see the answers, but even I could see two very different people in your photos. One was honest, and one was acting... The eyes tell you everything... 'That's all I got to say about that.' :)
im with Lisa on this....the eyes are the window to our soul!.....when you are being yourself (the boy), your eyes alive, which means so is your soul

[Kate Simmons]

My mum or 'mom' ;) has a couple of graduation photos of me on her wall. Whenever I look at them I see the answers. When I look into his eyes it's almost like looking at someone else, an actor playing a part. When I look at her eyes I see honesty.

So... I'm not going to say look into yourself and see the answers, but even I could see two very different people in your photos. One was honest, and one was acting... The eyes tell you everything... 'That's all I got to say about that.' :)I saw the same thing in Poc's pictures Lisa. In fact, I saw it in most of the pictures. My friends are my friends and I accept them as themselves. End of story.:happy: Ericka

[Kimberley]

Hi Pocoyo. Sorry I didnt get to this earlier. Anyway, have a peak at my post in the Journal thread on the TS forum. It may help.

I think being a mix like this is probably tougher than most imagine because we are often torn between how we feel and how we think we should feel.

First, there is nothing wrong with being both male and female. Go ahead, get dolled up tease a few boys at the pub and go home and smile. Cool beans. Isnt that a part of your life experience? Nothing wrong with that. Next morning get up and look in the mirror and say it was fun but where's my jeans and boxers? Be who you feel.

We seem to battle this life experience vs our gender needs every day. Not everyone in our communities can state with absolute certainty they are one gender or the other. In fact only a few can. Dont try to talk yourself into something because it will make you crazy.

Remember we are gendered one way and have a life experience that is the other. Sure there is confusion. You just have to go with the flow as best you can, talk to your friends here, the ones who know what it's like and get their support as best you can.

You helped me out a whole bunch hon. I hope this is of some help to you. You can always PM me if you want to chat a bit more.

:hugs: :love: :hugs:
Kimberley.

[Tree GG]

Pocoyo,

I will not pretend to know what you're feeling or know a fix for your uncertainty.

I would like to suggest, with regards to your family, that you maybe adjust your attitude and faith in them. They are obviously aware of your gender concerns and love you anyway. How about putting some faith in that love and them? Patience is the key. When you know the best path for you, they will accept. Don't put so much pressure to decide on yourself.

Boy, girl, neither - whatever. Present whichever theme you feel like on any given day - or a combination of both. All I know is that when I feel calm & relaxed about a decision, it is usually the right one. Keep trying until it feels right, and there is no time limit.

Take care & happy holidays :hugs:

[michelleliz]

I think we all run through the same fealings one time or another. Male or female

Michelle liz

[pocoyo]

Hello everybody,

Thank you so much for your fantastic replies. You're all so lovely and so smart.

Just to let you know, you have helped and I am taking what you're saying on board.

I will write some more specifically tailored answers soon, I'm just a bit tired and sad at the moment though so finding it a bit hard to concentrate.

Thanks lads and ladies, luv ya ;)

Pocs xxx

[crossing-the-rain]

You are not the only one confused,and this a serious but interesting thread .Thank you.
Rain

[JulieCDorlando]

Hello ,
My heart breaks to hear of your fears and your troubles Poc. I can only say to live in each moment for who you are at that particular moment. If you have to live your life by what other people (family) expect, you will not be happy with yourself. If you lived your life the way you want, you'll still have that feeling you have let down your family and not be happy either. Being TG is a slippery slope, but believing in one self will get you through. As a parent I can honestly say to you that your parents WILL LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY no matter where your life takes you.