So why am I embarrassed?

[battybattybats]

I'm a goth, I have no qualms about going against the grain of society... and from time to time I'll wear stuff far from goth so I don't mind going against that stereotype too. I've never been concerned about being intellectual when living in redneck towns.. I never worry about conforming to the way others think I should be at all.

Yet, talking to my psychologist it's clear I still feel embarrassed when talking about my crossdressing. Every time I've got new clothes (on the few occassions I worked up enough courage to do so) I've tended to blush severely.

Now I'm trying to figure myself out in this regard and while I know only I can determine the answer I'd sure appreciate any ideas.

[Joy Carter]

I'm a goth, I have no qualms about going against the grain of society... and from time to time I'll wear stuff far from goth so I don't mind going against that stereotype too. I've never been concerned about being intellectual when living in redneck towns.. I never worry about conforming to the way others think I should be at all.

Yet, talking to my psychologist it's clear I still feel embarrassed when talking about my crossdressing. Every time I've got new clothes (on the few occassions I worked up enough courage to do so) I've tended to blush severely.

Now I'm trying to figure myself out in this regard and while I know only I can determine the answer I'd sure appreciate any ideas.

God Batty It took me fifty seven years to accept myself as transgendered. I hate myself for waiting so long, I guess my big hang up has been what my wife and others would say. So to pleased them I stayed unhapy and in the closet. I know I would have been embarassed too in my early years. But now it's "full steam ahead, dam the torpedos." Try starting out slowly. Just little hints of who you are. Like waring panties while in drab. Then maybe a nice plain top in a nutral color. I'd also get a gur-pal. They can be such a boost to your self confidence. Hope this works out for you.

[Joy Carter]

I'm a goth, I have no qualms about going against the grain of society... and from time to time I'll wear stuff far from goth so I don't mind going against that stereotype too. I've never been concerned about being intellectual when living in redneck towns.. I never worry about conforming to the way others think I should be at all.

Yet, talking to my psychologist it's clear I still feel embarrassed when talking about my crossdressing. Every time I've got new clothes (on the few occassions I worked up enough courage to do so) I've tended to blush severely.

Now I'm trying to figure myself out in this regard and while I know only I can determine the answer I'd sure appreciate any ideas.

God Batty It took me fifty seven years to accept myself as transgendered. I hate myself for waiting so long, I guess my big hang up has been what my wife and others would say. So to pleased them I stayed unhapy and in the closet. I know I would have been embarassed too in my early years. But now it's "full steam ahead, dam the torpedos." Try starting out slowly. Just little hints of who you are. Like waring panties while in drab. Then maybe a nice plain top in a nutral color. I'd also get a gur-pal. They can be such a boost to your self confidence. Hope this works out for you. BTW I wish I had been around in the Goth times. I love some of the looks you gurl/girls come up with.

[Eugenie]

Like Joy, it took me about fifty years to accept my transgender nature... This is not to say that you have to go through the same ordeal and for so long...

Fortunately, with forums like this one, it has become slightly easier to accept who we are. It did really help me, anyhow.

Getting a few trusted friends whith whom to talk about our lives also helps a lot. I have that tremendous luck to be able to spend some time "en femme" with two GGs. They have helped me accept my "femme side" even more than participating to forums.

That's all I wish you.
:hugs:
Eugenie

[Marla S]

It's the involvement of sexuality and the 'urge'.
To be a goth, or a punk, or whatever can be controled in a way, is a free choice, and is a deliberate rebellion against some norms of the society (M&M's, Coke, or whatever).
Being a TG isn't a question of choice. You are or you are not. You are a rebel too, but not by choice.
You hardly can't 'controll' it wilingly. It's compulsion like, which makes it scary.
Due to the involvment of sexuality for most of us, starting from the puberty, it touches a matter that is most intimate and taboo in general, though some sexual liberation took place meanwhile.
This combination of a compulsion like, unrulable behavior and sexuality produces shame and guilt IMO.

IMO a road to acceptance therefore is to separate being a TG and sexuality.
This gives some control back.
Either you dress because it is a fetish for you, than it's a question of controling your sexuality, or you figure out that being sexual is not the core of being TG, than you might realize that it is just a part of you personality.
Both is more easy to accept and to control than the combination.

[Kate Simmons]

Like Eugenie, I was accepted as Ericka long before I joined this Forum this year. I didn't know what I would find here but I see it's various and sundry things. The reason I hang in here is maybe, just maybe I can find some answers I don't have and also possibly by sharing my feelings, someone else may be helped to understand themself a little better. I'll be the first to admit I don't have the answers to everything and am constantly learning about myself and others. It's a great feeling knowing we have people we can turn to when we get "down". I, for, one couldn't think of anyone better to share my heartfelt feelings with.:happy: Ericka Kay

[Satrana]

Because Gothism is already out in public, nobody is questioning your sexuality, you may be thought of as wierd by laymen but within the Gothic circle you are completely accepted - including importantly by the Gothic girls. When you crossdress however, you are doing something which society has taught you from childhood to be wrong and humilating, you are throwing away your manhood. You feel you cannot wear your feminine outfit with pride and confidence the way you can with a gothic look with your manhood intact.

[battybattybats]

Thanks all for your responses.

The thing is, my gothness doesn't come from rebellion but just that many things that I like and the way I often like to look falls into the catagory. I never rebelled (my folks have always been supportive of me just being me) and thats why my reaction seems so strange to me.

The idea that its because its sexual and intimate I think is part of it but still I don't think It fully explains it entirely... hmmm. This discussion is at least helping me clarify my thoughts on the matter.

[goofus]

I'm a goth, I have no qualms about going against the grain of society... and from time to time I'll wear stuff far from goth so I don't mind going against that stereotype too. I've never been concerned about being intellectual when living in redneck towns.. I never worry about conforming to the way others think I should be at all.

Yet, talking to my psychologist it's clear I still feel embarrassed when talking about my crossdressing. Every time I've got new clothes (on the few occassions I worked up enough courage to do so) I've tended to blush severely.

Now I'm trying to figure myself out in this regard and while I know only I can determine the answer I'd sure appreciate any ideas.

I guess it's because defying gender is a huge taboo in our society, it's much more taboo than being goth but otherwise conforming to gender stereotypes.

:2c: