Coming out to parents

[dods460]

Hi,
Well I plan on coming out to my parents over the christmas break, I am a little nervous to say the least. For thoughs of you who are out can you give me any pointers as to how to brouch the subject. With my friends it was easy I said I had an appointment to get new make up and they laughed (it was a good laugh don't worry:p ) Has anyone had experience with parents I'm interested to hear some of your stories. I really want to get dressed up for christmas I'm gonna go buy a cute outfit on friday to go with the killer boots I got the other day

[Amy Hepker]

Hi, I would diffently tell your mother first and see if she thinks it OK to tell your Father. He is the one who will be the most upset. Just sit down with her first she maybe able to lighten the blow to your father or let you know it is a Bad idea.

[Kate Simmons]

Damn nice boots, Hon. Sorry I can't give you any advice on talking to your parents. When I lived at home( way back in "pre-hysterical" times), I was deeply in the "closet" and never even dared mention it as they(people) considered any guy who dressed in women's clothes "queer". Even so, I think my Mom did suspect and I think "caught" me once sleeping in bed with a nightgown and lipstick but we never talked about it. I wish you well and hope things work out. Let us know, okay?:happy: Ericka Kay

[Leslie Foxx]

What prompts folks to drop the big bombs at the holidays?

Is it the convenience of having the clan gathered in one place?

Would it be a kinder act and more sensitive approach to pick another less hectic and stressful time (for the recipients of the news) to come out?

Don't get me wrong. If you are ready to come out, then act on it, but do consider the effect on others. If you expect the news to be received positively, then maybe this holiday season will be joyous for all. If not, it may turn into an emotional donnybrook for all players.

[dods460]

Good thought Leslie,
I don't really see there being any bad reactions, maybe just a bit of shock at first. I happend to choose christmas just due to the fact that's really the only time I see them, and they deserve more then just a phone call I respect them to much for that.

[stlmichelle]

I also would not break it to them by dressing up for them. I cannot give much advice cause I never told my parents. Although I know that they know, but I never told them formally. It pretty much is just not talked about.

[Eugenie]

Before asking the question: "How do I break the news to my parents that I'm a X-dresser?", I'd ask myself: "Why do I want to break the news to my parents that I'm a X-dresser ?"

If you still feel that it is crutial that your parents should know about your X-dressing, then speak to them. But I think that Leslie's question is a key one: Why do a "coming out" during a holiday? Especially at Xmass which is so much charged with deep rooted family feelings.

I have seen you answer, that's about the only time you see them. Don't you think that a coming out on such a family oriented holiday would sort of ruin the spirit of xmass?

In addition given the yule tide spirit, which puts every one in a special holiday mood, breacking the news of your X-dressing would be even more unespected by your folks and as a result even less easily accepted.

The only thing that was difficult for me when my daughter told me that she was homosexual was that she did it on the eve of Bastille day, a very festive time of the year and that caught me totally unprepared. I was in a completely different mood, ready to go dancingn have fun, meet friends and WANG... "Dad I want to tell you something. I already told Mom. I live with a girl." On the moment I tempted to react by "I have also something to tell you. Your Mom knows. I'm a X-dresser". Fortunately I didn't speak to her like that. I did what a good dad should do. I accepted her as she was and told her that I was happy she had found love in her life. But neverthless, I felt hurt, not because she was homosexual but by the way she did tell me.

If I really had to tell my mom (my dad passed away a few years ago), I'd make a special effort to go meet her, telling her that I came especially to speak about a very important subject and that she might feel surprised but that it wouldn't change how much I love her. So at least she would know that this is a very important thing: I made a special trip to talk to her about it. And she would be a bit prepared for something unexpected so, perhaps, be in a state of mind more apt to receive my revelation.

None of the above is meant to be judgemental, you know the real situation, I don't so I may be wrong all the way... Take this as another point of view, not as an advice.

:hugs:
Eugenie

[JenniferMint]

I came out to my mom (who lived in a different state) in stages:

First, I sent her pictures of me at an anime convention. Many people dress up as anime characters at conventions. But me, I dressed up as a girl. At this point, I was just presenting the crossdressing as something that I did once for fun. She thought that I made an attractive woman.

She was totally cool with it and didn't seem put off at all. (If, on the other hand, she had said negative things about it, then I would have stopped at this stage.)

Then sometime later, she was flying to my city to visit me. I did something bold---I met here there en femme! I went into more detail here:
http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=42469
She thought it was funny, but freaky. She made me change before we went out for lunch because she said my wig looked bad.

I found showing her a picture/dressing in person to be a much easier method of showing her than writing up a long letter.

[Bethanygirl]

Maybe you should make your coming out a New Years resolution instead of a Christmas gift honey...

[finacarina]

Take my advice don't come out to your parents, especially if you dont live with them and if you do live with them, its time to move out on your own! Nothing good will ever come of it so don't do it!!!

[SatinSarah]

my mother found photos of me dressed when I lived at home in my 20s. She then found my stash of clothes. Of course the first question was are you gay? she insisted I got rid of the stuff and destroyed everyhting so my father wouldn't find out. I was so confused and scared I agreed (although I found a better hiding place and saved quite a bit of my wardrobe!) I insisted it was phase I had tried with a girlfriend and we haven't mentioned it for 20 years. I can't cope with the world knowing about Sarah and its enough knowing my wife knows and understands. I would love a CD friend somewhere but having my parents know is not necessary.

You shoudld be really clear why you want them to know before going any further.

Sarah

[Calliope]

Don't forget to say MERRY CHRISTMAS after you drop the bomb !

[Debra Lynn]

I think there are some very good points made here. You really need to ask yourself WHY do I want to come out to my parents and dressing the part is probably not the best way to do this. Sitting down with Mom and talking with her about the fact that you are a cross dresser and not gay is a good opening. But I have to side with many here who say Christmas is not a good time to open up, even though the stigma of being a social deviant is not what it once was. Definately talk to mom first and sound out the potential response from Dad, after all she had been married to the guy for some time now, right? Having pictures (nice one's not the playful ones) would be a much better way of easing her into your world and reassuring her that you don't mean to have a sex change operation in the new year. Dad's can be funny, unless they are really open minded about things, they have a built in wall against thier SON wanting to be a daughter at times. If you are going to spring this on them, you want to be able to reassure them that you haven't grown a third head and sprouted tentacles, but are indeed still the loving son they always have had. (even if you look like a daughter sometimes). I never fully came out to my parents, even though Dad had ideas, his comments were not supportive about how I might be dressing when he wasn't around. Remember they are from another generation that had a different view of cross dressers and what that meant.