Lex
12-13-2006, 09:49 PM
Well, I'm finally 18, so I'm back, good to see you all again guys. :)
First off, I'd just like to apologise to everyone. I'm sorry for lying to you all about my age. To me it's not a big deal, but it might be to others, so I am sorry. I just really wanted to be a part of this community, because it's a great group of people. You all rock.
Secondly, I'm confused. I've been working through some stuff recently, and it's been kinda hard without you guys, but I've been doing okay. Anyway, the thing is, I don't feel like a guy trapped in a girl's body. What I do feel is that I do not want to be female in any way. I'd rather be male, I'd kill to look male, but I don't feel 100% like I guy. I want to be a guy, but I know I'm not one. And I don't mean just physically, I mean the way I talk, walk and express myself. But I'm not sure if that has more to do with me, or with my lack of male role models growing up. All I had was my dad, and I rejected him as a role model early on. So there's been no one to 'teach' me.
I hate everything there is about being a girl, but I know I'm not a guy. So I'm left wondering what the hell I am. I still want to remove my chest completely, I'd still like to go on T, I want to be hairy and square shaped and have a deep voice, I'd kill for a real penis but...I know I wouldn't be a guy. It's so confusing, I don't know who I am anymore. Andrew's being incredibley helpful, but he keeps blaming himself for my confusion, and I don't want to burden him with my problems, so I feel bad about that. Plus, I'm making him confused and angsty as well and that just SUCKS.
Basically, I want to be a guy, but I don't feel like one.
And it's really confusing.
And kinda angsty.
But other than that I'm pretty good, and glad to be back. :)
Oh, almost forgot to mention, I'm going down to a B cup in January. :D I can't wait!!!
First off, I'd just like to apologise to everyone. I'm sorry for lying to you all about my age. To me it's not a big deal, but it might be to others, so I am sorry. I just really wanted to be a part of this community, because it's a great group of people. You all rock.
Secondly, I'm confused. I've been working through some stuff recently, and it's been kinda hard without you guys, but I've been doing okay. Anyway, the thing is, I don't feel like a guy trapped in a girl's body. What I do feel is that I do not want to be female in any way. I'd rather be male, I'd kill to look male, but I don't feel 100% like I guy. I want to be a guy, but I know I'm not one. And I don't mean just physically, I mean the way I talk, walk and express myself. But I'm not sure if that has more to do with me, or with my lack of male role models growing up. All I had was my dad, and I rejected him as a role model early on. So there's been no one to 'teach' me.
I hate everything there is about being a girl, but I know I'm not a guy. So I'm left wondering what the hell I am. I still want to remove my chest completely, I'd still like to go on T, I want to be hairy and square shaped and have a deep voice, I'd kill for a real penis but...I know I wouldn't be a guy. It's so confusing, I don't know who I am anymore. Andrew's being incredibley helpful, but he keeps blaming himself for my confusion, and I don't want to burden him with my problems, so I feel bad about that. Plus, I'm making him confused and angsty as well and that just SUCKS.
Basically, I want to be a guy, but I don't feel like one.
And it's really confusing.
And kinda angsty.
But other than that I'm pretty good, and glad to be back. :)
Oh, almost forgot to mention, I'm going down to a B cup in January. :D I can't wait!!!