Unable to keep a promise I made

[Siobhan Marie]

You may or may not remember a thread I started about 6 weeks ago which was about me testing the water with my mother about me being trans and coming out to my father. I made a promise to my father about not doing anything about my transition for 2 years. Well I can't keep that promise as I have lived a lie for long enough and can do so no-more, Mum is going to have to be told and she isn't going to like it. The only way I can keep Dad out of trouble is have him in the room when I tell Mum so that it looks like to Mum that he is being told at the same time and this way he won't lose Mum's trust, which I don't want. I am working on a letter that I'm going to leave with Dad for them both at their own speed. I'm also working on a letter that I'm going to mail to the rest of the family, except my grandad. The reason is that he is 87 years old and he won't understand, I know he won't and to be totally honest I don't expect him to. As for the letter to the rest of the family, I'm not hiding behind it, my transition is something that I have to do and the letter is because we are spread out over the Home Counties and Devon and this is the easiest way to do. I welcome any comments or input.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[CaptLex]

All I can say is God-speed and and God bless. I admire your courage, and I do understand how you feel about not being able to put it off anymore and not wanting to continue living a lie. Hope things go as well as they can, but either way, please come back and share with us. :hugs:

[Kimberley]

I KNOW you will come through this. It is a fight all of us face.

You know where we are.

:love:
Kimberley.

[Calliope]

Don't sweat it - you are stuck between two promises and the more important one, the one you made to your sanity, obviously takes precedence.

Good luck with 'the talk.'

[Sharon]

Sometimes we make promises with the best of intentions that are just impossible to keep for one reason or another. You shouldn't feel guilty about breaking one as significant as this.

Besides, by the time hormones, hair removal, and other non-SRS procedures are very far along, it could well be two years anyway before anything is very noticeable.

[Alaceann]

I wish you luck and hope all works out good for you. Be strong and don't let any guilt get the better of you. Things have a way of working out for the better somehow.

[Siobhan Marie]

Thank you all so much for your kind words, they mean such a lot and I certainly will tell you all how it went, good or bad (most probably bad). But as I've said, I can't live a lie anymore and it has got to stop. What I am going to do is to get through Christmas and New Year and go from there. That is all I can do. I just feel like I've let Dad down thats all and I can't help that, but as Daytripper said the promise I made to myself takes precedence but it doesn't stop me feeling like I've let Dad down by not being able to keep a promise.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[michelle19845]

i have come out to mom and grand mom.no one else.am gonna get hair permed abefore christmas and think it will lead to lots of questions which will be easier to tell if they start the conversation.i give it so much thought,but don't know.i have so much anxiety.iam supposed to start hormones soon and have grown hair long,took herbals for 7 months,use breast pump for fun and have mostly all female clothing,make up kits,hair styling things.hair grew to jaw bone and still growing.i can't wait till i start hormones and t blockers.i felt so weird when i was asked waht i want for christmas?mostly i get tool cards for sears or menards,i told people this year walmart or kohls,i get a lot of clothes there.hope you have fun and good luck with your family.i wish for the best for both of us.iam prepared for this to be horrible and not see lots of people anymore,but if they decide that i will know they weren't that great of family or friends in the 1st place.i hope yours goes well.


have a happy holiday,
michelle19845

[Siobhan Marie]

i have come out to mom and grand mom.no one else.am gonna get hair permed abefore christmas and think it will lead to lots of questions which will be easier to tell if they start the conversation.i give it so much thought,but don't know.i have so much anxiety.iam supposed to start hormones soon and have grown hair long,took herbals for 7 months,use breast pump for fun and have mostly all female clothing,make up kits,hair styling things.hair grew to jaw bone and still growing.i can't wait till i start hormones and t blockers.i felt so weird when i was asked waht i want for christmas?mostly i get tool cards for sears or menards,i told people this year walmart or kohls,i get a lot of clothes there.hope you have fun and good luck with your family.i wish for the best for both of us.iam prepared for this to be horrible and not see lots of people anymore,but if they decide that i will know they weren't that great of family or friends in the 1st place.i hope yours goes well.


have a happy holiday,
michelle19845

Thank you so much for your kind words Michelle, its not going to be easy, that much I know. What I have done is written a letter for both Mum and Dad explaining everything which I will leave with Dad for them to read in their own time (Dad knows whats going on with me) and I'm also going to send a version of the same letter to the rest of the family, in the letter for Mum's side of the family I've asked for my grandad not to be told as I feel thats for me or Mum to tell him although he won't understand as he's 87 years old (the letter is the same but with an added paragraph) and that'll be posted on the day I tell Mum. The only things I do at the moment is to shave where I should, have grown my fingernails and keep my eyebrows in check. I have some female clothes but am not going to get any more just yet until I have lost some weight.
Have a lovely Christmas holiday.

huge :hugs: Anna Marie x

[pattyme]

My mum is a manic depressive and is 79. I thought she would not be understanding or supportive of me and that she would go off the deep end if she ever found out. She found out a year ago. So far she is the only one who I have told. It has taken her a year to realize that this is not something that will go away and that being a girl and believing, living it realy does make me a whole person. The point is, it took her a whole year of seeing me almost every day as a girl before she understood it but she did. Speek to your dad let him see how happy you are dressed. Ask him if he has come to terms with it. He may say he does not like it but you may be surprissed to discover that he is more concerned with your well being than you give him credit for. If it is time to speek to your mum and break your promiss at least let him know it is comming even if he does not like it at least give him a bit of time. Don't just send him a letter tell him in advance that you are going to send it - show him some respect if you wan't respect and understanding in return. The promiss is far less important that the respect it implied this is what you need to protect.

Patty.

[Siobhan Marie]

Patty, I'm not sending a letter to my parents, I am going to leave it with Dad when I tell Mum, he knows but is going to be there when I tell Mum so it looks her that he doesn't know so that he doesn't lose Mum's trust which I don't want (confusing I know, Mum is registered disabled and Dad is essentially her carer). The letter I'm sending is to the rest of the family is essentially the same letter as the one to Mum and Dad. This being done because its easier to than to get us all together. Mum's side of the family are local, apart from her sister who lives in Spain. Dad's side are spread out over the counties of Buckinghamshire, Bedfordshire and Devon. So hopefully you can understand why I'm doing this. I'm not hiding behind this letter and have put my phone number on it if they want to talk or have any questions. I am going to talk to Dad before I do it (I wouldn't do that to him as he's been brilliant about it and it wouldn't be fair to him).
Hope this clears up any confusion that you may have had.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Siobhan Marie]

Just thought that I'd tell you all that I've had that chat with Dad about me not being able to keep the promise I'd made and that Mum will have to be told, we had it this afternoon, probably not the best time to do it as its Christmas Eve.

What started it was that I took his and Mum's presents over to put them under the tree, I went in (Mum had gone to see my grandad) and put them under the tree, Dad was using their computer, when he switched it off and came into the lounge, I asked him if I could talk to him about something in the New Year he asked me what it was about, I said that it was to do with what we'd talked about (my transition, we don't mention it directly) and that it could wait until after Christmas and New Year. Dad said no lets talk while we can. We had a long chat in which Dad asked me why I couldn't wait. My answer was that I have lived a lie for long enough and it has got to stop as its making me really unhappy. Dad asked me what I meant by that and I said that I have lived with this for over 20 years, and that at the moment, one minute I'm perfectly alright and the next I can't stop crying and that it has got to the stage where I have got to do something as I'm really worried about my sanity. We talked some more and he said that he'd spoken to my cousin Sean recently and Sean told him that he knew about me and that he would be there for me, which surprised Dad. Dad also said that he will tell Mum, this I'm not really not happy about and will talk to him about it, the reason for this (as I've said previously) is that Mum is registered disabled and Dad is essentially her carer and I don't want that trust broken. If he insists on telling Mum, I will ask him to at least tell me when's he going to do it. I just hope Dad knows what he's doing.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Amy Hepker]

Well, Your dad knows your mother better than anyone. He sure is not going to make it harder on her. I find it hard to believe that you told your dad first. I would never have told my dad, I could not have. I did tell my mother, but my dad died right after I turned 18 and my mother died some 20 years later. At least your dad does not disown you and he is going to help you. I am sure the rest of your relatives will find out in time. I would probably keep it away from your grandfather though.

[Siobhan Marie]

Amy, Thank you for kind words. Coming out to Dad was easier than I thought. I was frightened that he'd shut down and not want to talk about it, but that really wasn't the case. Dad has been brilliant, and I can't ask for more, I know that is a difficult thing to for him to deal with, but he doesn't let it show. What I'm going to do is to the post some of my blog entry from the 11th November. The bit that I am posting what I posted on here on the 7th November as I can't find the original post and that'll tell you how I came about coming out to Dad. "Before you all tear me to pieces and ask me what the hell I'm going about, please just bear with me as I'm going to tell it pretty much as it unfolded yesterday afternoon as its the only way I can tell it. I'd like to point out that I don't live with my parents. I own my own flat about 4 miles away from them.

I was talking to my mum yesterday as it was the first time that I'd seen her for a few days (Dad had gone out to do something) and she asked me how work had been (I work in security) and I was telling her about the location I'd been working at (I used to work there full time and don't now) and said that they had 3 members of staff and were going to lose 2 more. She asked me who they are and I told her, one of them being my TS colleague, Lisa (whom I refered to by her old name, Percy) and nothing more was said, we carried on watching television. Then Mum looked up and said to me "Percy, isn't that the one who is going through a sex change?" I replied "yes Mum, it is", she then said to me "you don't want to do that do you?" I tried to bluff it (which I'm bad at) and replied "I'm not sure" and she said "what do you mean, you're not sure? You're not dropping a bombshell on me are you?" I said "no Mum Like I said I'm not sure". She replied "if you ever tell me that, I won't want to know you", I said "do you mean that?", she said "yes, it would kill me". All I said after that was "at least I know where you stand" and nothing more was said.
Dad came back in from doing what he had to do (he'd been to the chippy to get some tea, as he and I were going to an auction that evening). Poor Dad, you could've cut the tension between Mum and I with a knife, it was horrible. Before Dad and I went out, I had to go to the toilet, which gave Mum and Dad the chance to talk behind my back. When Dad and I left for the auction, he asked me what had happened between Mum and I and I told him. He asked if I needed to do what Lisa is doing and I said yes and I told him everything, he then asked if I wanted to have the final operation and I said yes. I also said that I couldn't live a lie anymore. Dad said while he couldn't give his blessing to what I want to do, he would never disown me while Mum is another story, she is very old fashioned in her outlook, and she would disown me. He also asked me if I'm on on hormones, I said no I'm not. He also asked me if I was out at work. I said yes I was, I was out at the location I used to work at. I also told him that I would not be staying in security as everyone knows me as Bruce and this would just confuse them. I want to be settled in another job for 6-12 months before I go full time. To give credit to Dad, he seemed to take it quite well. He also me to hold off telling Mum and starting my transition for 2 years as she is really ill and may not be here in two years time. This I agreed to but said if she's still here, she'll have to be told and I'll have to face the consequences of that. Needless to say I didn't sleep very well, although I do feel better that at least Dad knows."
I know Dad is trying to help me and believe me I do appreciate it but what worries me is that he's going to get himself into so much trouble with Mum over all of this. If he does do this,which knowing Dad as I do, he will. I'll have to ask him to let me know when he's going to do it. As for informing the family I have written them a letter, it is essentially the same letter that I've written to Mum and Dad. I'm not hiding behind either letter. In the letter to Mum's side of the family, I have asked that my grandad not to be told, if anyone is going to do that, it should be me or Mum. The one for Mum and Dad is for them to read in their own time. The reason for sending a letter out to the family is because its much easier to do that than to get us all together as Dad's side of the family are spread out over the counties of Buckinghamshire, Bedfordshire and Devon.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[ToyGirl]

i Feel for you Anna, it is such a difficult time. Out of all the things of done so far in transition coming out to my family was/is the hardest. I had got suicidal by 26 and had a breakdown , doc demanded i see a psychologist for 6 months (and said the police would escort me to the psych ward if i declined). Around that time i came out to my Mum (i was allways closer to her) She cried for a few days but then came around. She specifically told me Not to tell my father saying he would not understand. I went on T blockers for awhile , then full HRT. It's got to the point were my mum has realised this isnt going away , and she's scared dads gonna be pissed off with her for keeping this from him.

The whole situtation tears me up inside and im left riddled with acute anxiety and depression (though im generally in high spirits and no longer suicidal since transition). People have called me Nicole infront of him , been reffered to as she and her infront of him. I dont make any effort to hide my skirts and make up , though i dont wear skirts infront of him. Im getting my named changed by depol in jan/feb. I wish i had dealt with this better from the beginning :( as its now a mess i dont know how to solve. I feel like between this and some other things i found out about my father that there marriage is on the line and i dont want to be responsible for it wrecking that.

Anyway if i was you and clearly im not so great at this , but i would get on spiro ASAP , it will atleast stop you gaining anymore maleness , and does feminize alittle abit (not enough to get you in trouble) and go from there.

feel free to PM me if you so desire.

[Siobhan Marie]

Nicole, thank you for you kind words. they're a comfort. What I'm doing is to take it nice and slowly, that way I know where I'm headed and where I want to be. I had a chat with Dad yesterday and he has said that he will tell Mum, but he won't do it until after New Year. His reason is that she might take it better if it comes from him and not me, I think that he's worried that Mum and I will start arguing. We won't, if she'd wanted to scream and shout at me, I''d have sat there and let her do that and not said anything. All I have asked is that I have my spare set of keys back, which I have and that he tells me when he's going to tell her as I want to post my letter out to the family that day. I will also post theirs to Dad. When this happens, I'm staying right of Mum's way. If she wants to talk, she can phone me. Incidentally thank you for offer of being able to PM you. I might take you up on that.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[princessmichelle]

Anna Marie,

I don't know if this will help any, but here's my experience:

I told my Dad in like 1989 that I was a cd, and my Mom just this year, and his reaction was worse. Dad said it's like a "disease", and things were tense between us. But I've got to say, despite the tension, I'm glad I told him before he passed away a couple of years ago.

Later, just a month or two ago, I told my Mom "I have gender issues", cd or maybe even ts. She had a better reaction, saying she didn't like it, though a lot of her concern was about all the difficulties I'd face if I came out in public. But adding that she still loves me and saying that she wants whatever is best for me. And we still get along well.

Anna Marie, our situations are different, but I wish you luck.

:)

Oh, and one more thing: I'm struck by the fact that your concern is primarily not about yourself, but is as much for the relationship of your parents to each other (about your dad not telling your mom the secret). That's compassionate of you.

Princess Michelle

[Siobhan Marie]

Princess Michelle, its lovely to hear from you again and thank you for your kind words, they're a comfort. I'm sorry that Dad didn't take it very well, all I can say is that I must be lucky in that I've got the best Dad in the world. As for your Mum, they worry, its what Mum's do, I mine does and when Dad tells her, she'll worry, of course she will and I know why. As for me worrying about the relationship between Mum and Dad, I do and I will and thats because Mum can't do what she could do and Dad does it all including the cooking and I don't want Dad losing her trust because Dad is essentially her carer. I am very compasionate by nature.

:hugs: Anna Marie x