CD/TS - Crossing the line mentally.

[Jenn2716]

Ok, this is going to be a long read, so please bear with me.

For as long as I can remember I've had a severe indifference to all aspects of my life. For almost every question I've ever been asked my answer is usually "I don't care, whatever you want is fine with me". I've always just assumed that I was just trying to be easy to get along with, but now I think there is way more to this attitude. Like alot of crossdressers I tend to view most women with a envious eye; their wardrobe, jewelry, accessories, hair, make-up, bodies. However, after years and years of turning green at the sight of any moderately attractive woman I've discovered that I am not jealous over their appearance, instead I am jealous of their existance. To look feminine is one thing and alot of us strive to reach a femme appearance. I now realize that I am really striving for a feminine life. I've tried for so long to fit the guy image that my family, friends and society want me to be, that I bottled up and buried these feelings until now. So the more I've been thinking about this and the more I start to analyze my life I see that I'm really more TS instead of CD. I've tried to deny this fact for my whole life but looking back I now see that I've only been trying to be happy as a guy, but inside I am miserable because the world cannot see me for the female that I am.

I've mentioned a couple of times on this board that I've recently been wanting to explore my transgendered self more and more. Specifically, I've been wanting to mix in some femme items into my regular guy clothing. I thought that this was my attempt at pushing the envelope of my crossdressing, but I realize I was slowly letting my femme side become more and more public. In my mind I believed that one day I would begin wearing wearing obviously femme items and start presenting myself as female more often (and eventually everyday). Coming to this realization actually came as a relief to me. Now I understood alot of how/why I acted the way I did growing up. Knowing that it is possible to work towards a transition that will finally let me be who I am supposed to be seemed to lift a weight off of my shoulders. I met with a professional therapist/counsellor two weeks ago and she felt that I had my head on straight, that if I felt that I truly was meant to be a woman then it would be in my best interest to begin transition sooner rather than later.

So I'm on my way right? Not really. Even though I had finally set all of this straight in my own head, I now had to find a way to break the news to my lovely wife of 7 years. She has always been supportive of my crossdressing and even though we've been through some ups and downs of setting and adjusting boundries, I just knew that this was going to be the mother of all conversations. She asked me how my couselling sessions went (she was hoping that I could find a way to cool off my wanting to dress in public and learn to be happy with the level of crossdressing that have acheived). I basically, said that even though this was our first meeting, the therapist's professional opinion was that for my own mental and emotional health, I should explore the possibility of transitioning (ie. further therapy sessions, coming out to family and friends, hormones, etc.) Obviously, this was not the answer she had been hoping for. She was very upset and asked me if I really wanted to be a woman, yes or no? I said its not that simple, I don't want to lose you, I don't know how far I would want to transition, I need to find out more about the process,etc. She cut me off, and said do you want to be a woman yes or no? If I wasn't here would you be starting this process? I couldn't lie, so I said probably yes. Well, with that she said she was leaving, and went to start packing her things. I rushed to her and said that I don't want to hurt her, that I need her in my life just as much as I need to be my true self. That in fact, she is the only person I ever want to share my life with either as a man or a woman. That without her I'd be miserable as a woman. We ended up talking for hours, crying, yelling, and talking some more. But in the end she decided that she could not stay married to me if I decided to followup on any of this tranistion talk. She could handle me dressing up and going out to "friendly" places and events, but she did not want to wake up everyday to a woman even though she is bisexual. She married a man and she wants it to stay that way. I guess I can see where she is coming from, and she has every right to feel that way.

So the decision all came down to me. Do I leave my wife and begin a journey of transition and see what happens? Or do I keep my marriage alive, keep the person I love the most in my life and continue to use my crossdressing as an outlet to express my true female self? Well, I just couldn't do it. I love my wife too much, to just throw my life with her away. I still feel that I am truly a TS, but its just not meant to be, transition can't be an option. So as a couple we are going to re-commit to each other. I'm going to do my best to accept the great support and freedom that I have already acheived and she is going to be more active in finding ways for me to express my femme side to others more frequently. We are investigating the possiblitity of going to a tG gathering like Fantasia Fair or First Event in the near future.

The next few weeks and months might be a little awkard but I'm hoping we can work through it. I just have this huge feeling of cautious relief and really felt the need to share.

Thanks for reading.

[christine55]

Sounds like you have a wonderful wife who loves you the way you are. Possibly you might take things to a point where there would be no going back and regret it.
Hugs, Christine

[fionasboots]

I guess the same thoughts have come to most of us; do I just enjoy the dressing or is it something more? I think the problem is that you can think it is something more when in reality it isn't but I'm not sure there is really an easy way to tell.

I guess this situation is made worse by a large number of us going through years of self-denial followed or concurrent with decieving the ones closest to us; wives, partners, familes, and friends.

So I believe that it can become pretty easy to think that going all the way (hormones/SRS) is really what you want/need. And it's certainly an attractive idea (I admit I've thought of it myself) and there are some very good-looking TS people out there; wouldn't it be wonderful to look like them to be able to dress like that all the time to feel feminine and maybe even sexy and ... and ... so on.

Then I wonder if it's just my imagination getting carried away, is it just a bit of a turn-on to think about that? Is it a turn-on to think of yourself as female? Are you just getting confused in your mind about what you want to be or is it what you want to have, i.e. are you just fantasising about being the type of woman you actually want to be with.

Of course it could just be that you really just want to be an exhibishonist and show off and dress up and maybe shock people. Again I can sympathise with that feeling as well - it would be great to have the confidence to get dressed up to the nines and go out clubbing or even just shopping!

I think it's all very confusing and I wish there was an easy answer to this and it would be nice if there were quick answers as well - I often think that time is ticking away and if I really knew that I should go a different route then I should do it sooner rather than later for everyones benefit.

But then again, I'm not all that convinced that what I want is what's best for me - it certainly wouldn't be best for those around me.

I hope the rambling above at least shows that there are others in such a confused state, I guess what you or anyone else does in this situation depends on you and those around you.

I would suggest that certain factors can influence your decision irrespective of what may be right for you personally, i.e. you want to stay with your wife, in my situation I have a young son as well as my wife to consider.

Oh well, if life was simple everyone would be doing it!

[Sierra Evon]

You have to get in touch with you inner female " CHI", while in a Zen like state. got to the middle of your room floor place all your favorite wardrobe , items around you in a circle sit crosslegged on the floor back of your hands open on your knees, head-up , eyes closed , and visulize all the after Christmas sales..........:happy:

[Jenn2716]

I think it's all very confusing and I wish there was an easy answer to this and it would be nice if there were quick answers as well - I often think that time is ticking away and if I really knew that I should go a different route then I should do it sooner rather than later for everyones benefit.

But then again, I'm not all that convinced that what I want is what's best for me - it certainly wouldn't be best for those around me.

I hope the rambling above at least shows that there are others in such a confused state, I guess what you or anyone else does in this situation depends on you and those around you.



Thanks for the very thoughtful and interesting post Fiona. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has these thoughts. And I agree that I have to make the best choice that will benefit everyone involved.

The only thing I would like to add that any thoughts I have about living as a woman have absolutely nothing to do with exhibishionism or wanting to looking sexy or extremely femme. I know that all of my efforts during tranistion will do little to hide my wide shoulders and male jaw. I know my voice will not turn femme and I certainly don't expect that my mannerisms would magically become femme. I am the last person to ever look for attention or try to flaunt myself no matter what I am wearing. My only desire is for peace of mind, to know that I am the real femme me, whether I'm on the couch in jeans and sweatshirt, or at work in slacks and blouse, or standing naked in the shower. If I never wore another skirt or dress again, I wouldn't care as long as my body finally felt "right" to me.

But as I mentioned above, my task now is to try and put that aside and lead the life that I have and stop wishing for one that will never be.

[Delila]

I have had similar thoughts particularly about the evying womens entire exsistance. I often think that I would be a better woman than a man. The main thing that keeps me from taking that next step is the love of my accepting wife. You have to ask is this thing that you want or maybe even feel you need so bad worth giving up someone who cares about you and you clearly care deeply about too. I would strongly recommend seeking a good sexual counseler and seeing what a trained person has to say. You might also consider counseling with your wife as she will likely need it if you decided to go all of the way. I don't want to sound like I am trying to talk you out of anything particularly something that may be right for you, but please keep in mind that this decision clearly affects more than just yourself but your wife as well.

[emmicd]

Based on reading your story I can see you speak from years of experiencing these feelings and that you are very sincere. It sounds like your degree of crossdressing is much more than just enjoying dressing up in girly clothes. You seem to exhibit transsexual tendencies. It is a very complicated situation you are experiencing because you have a wife involved and she seems to be very supportive of your crossdressing. You are very fortunate to have such an understanding wife. I personally feel you really need to communicate with your wife and you need to really listen to her as well. You can't be solely fixated on the femme lifestyle. You need to integrate your both sides and be the man your wife married. You also need to continue counselling. Personally I feel it is a very difficult road for a transsexual to travel and they risk losing too much. Life is too short to put yourself and your wife and family through all that. Also there is no guarantee that altering your apparence to live as a full time woman is the answer. I feel you should try to stay strong as a guy and work on strengthening your relationship with your wife. She seems to be ok with the crossdressing.

As a woman she is also interested in having children. Children are truly a gift and they make life so much more enjoyable. Obviously you have much more responsibility but it is well worth it.

I wish you and your wife all the best and I hope you live many years together and are blessed with a child or 2.

Good luck to you both!

Another crossdresser and family man!

emmi

[Jenn2716]

Hi Emmi,
Thanks for your thoughts. I am doing the best that I can to stay strong for my wife and be the person she wants/needs me to be. As long as we keep talking to each other, I'm hopeful that things will work out.

Just as a side note, my wife and I agreed very early in our relationship that having kids was not a priority for us. We both know that having children can be a wonderful experience, but that it just wasn't for us. For those of you that have children, we wish nothing but the best for you and your family, but for us, we are comfortable with our decision not to have kids of our own.

[Kimberley]

Jenni,
I think like a lot of people they see that being TG/TS is a one way ticket to transition. It is not. However it is preferable. Choosing not to transition will cause problems, no doubt of that, BUT you have a loving wife to support you, something many of us do not.

Transition is not the goal. Living is, and that means living with yourself and those you love.

Keep us informed?

:hugs:
Kimberley

[janedoe311]

Think about what you will do in your retirement years.
Will you be alone, or do you want your wife with you?

I am sure your wife loves you so you will be breaking her heart by leaving her.
It is not easy to find some else, especially if you have been with someone for a while.

Would you want her to be alone for the rest of her life?

Your needs now are important but do not make a snap decision on this.

[fionasboots]

Thanks for the very thoughtful and interesting post Fiona. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has these thoughts. And I agree that I have to make the best choice that will benefit everyone involved.


Well, the choice you make obviously affects alot of people so others reactions need to be considered, it's probably not easy to objectively say what decisions should be made though.



The only thing I would like to add that any thoughts I have about living as a woman have absolutely nothing to do with exhibishionism or wanting to looking sexy or extremely femme. I know that all of my efforts during tranistion will do little to hide my wide shoulders and male jaw. I know my


True, there is little you can do about such physical characteristics. And while it could be argued that some degree of surgery can help with facial features (though I imagine it hurts like hell) I guess there's not much that can be done about physique etc.



voice will not turn femme and I certainly don't expect that my mannerisms would magically become femme. I am the last person to ever look for attention or try to flaunt myself no matter what I am wearing. My only desire is for peace of mind, to know that I am the real femme me, whether I'm on the couch in jeans and sweatshirt, or at work in slacks and blouse, or standing naked in the shower. If I never wore another skirt or dress again, I wouldn't care as long as my body finally felt "right" to me.


Well, I guess you were right to talk to a therapist then. If what you say is true then it doesn't sound like some fantasy or fetish but more like a need to really be more femme than to just act that role.

Of course I'm no expert and I don't suppose I could even identify which such a feeling as really needing to transition, like I said before, I'm inclined to believe that any desire I have to be more femme is unlikely to be because of some deep-seated gender identity issue - I know I want to be an outrageous flirt and exhibitionist :heehee:



But as I mentioned above, my task now is to try and put that aside and lead the life that I have and stop wishing for one that will never be.

While that may be a very courageous way to approach this situation the question is whether it is a choice you will regret? Are you feelings of gender identity that strong that you will maybe re-consider this decision later and wished you had taken a different path?

I think putting things aside sounds like hiding what you really want/feel in order to avoid hurting your wife, yourself, and maybe others around you. Then again, I suppose it depends on how strongly you feel about the alternative.

For example, I like the odd drink, I quite enjoy getting drunk but I am by no means a heavy drinker or alcoholic (honest :D ) So if for some reason I could never have a drink for the rest of my life it would be no big deal - and there's plenty of non-alcoholic things that would be close enough to the real thing.

I thought I could stop crossdressing but I think experience has shown that this isn't the case for me and sooner or later I snap and it's just something I have to do, I can't change it, I just have to deal with it. If someone told me I couldn't do it ever again I would be pretty upset about that. I suppose I even went to the brink of divorce because I wouldn't back down on crossdressing, I even thought I was going to end up divorced and I think I might have even ended up going that route because I felt (or maybe objectively reasoned) that it was part of me and I couldn't change that.

So maybe sometimes the choices you have to make will hurt the ones you care about but sadly they may still be the right choices overall. Even more frustrating is that I guess it's impossible to tell what was right until it's too late.

As has already been said, getting professional help on this is probably the right way to go so that any decision you do make is well informed and covers as many angles as possible.

Extra hugs :hugs:

[Casey Morgan]

Jenni, I don't have any answers for you but there is one more thing to consider. If you're TS then you're a woman whether you transition or not. What happens when she realizes that? Or do you spend the rest of your life together pretty much lying to her, only letting her see what she wants to see or can deal with? You can stay in the Coke bottle but sooner or later she's going to figure out that you're really Pepsi.

Edit: Umm, that sounds like a vote for transitioning, doesn't it? That's not quite how I meant it. What I mean is it doesn't really matter what you look like if she knows who and what you are on the inside. Again, what hapens when she realizes you're really a woman, assuming you are TS?

[Christina Nicole]

Tough situation. I too, am more TS than CD. I've known that for quite some time. Many years ago, another CD friend and I realized nearly at the same time that we were both more TS than CD. Both of us were married. She decided to transition and invited me to transition with her. Transitioning with another TS is actually the best way to do it because both support the other over the rough patches. But unlike her, I could not leave me wife. She's living successfully as a woman now and I'm not. I couldn't leave my wife. The cost of become a woman is far too high for me. I settle with "being a woman" for a day or two every couple of weeks.

Everyone has to decide how much transitioning is worth in terms of what will be gained and lost. I couldn't lose my marriage, while my friend couldn't live as a man. It pretty much comes down to who is the most important person. The woman within or your wife.

Good luck. It is a terrible thing to go though.

Warm regards,
Christina Nicole