somewhat new to all this, and would love some feedback! :-)

[Justin's Grrl]

HI!... My name is T and I live in Nashville, Tn. Contrary to popular belief there's a little more to this place than cowboy butts and pick up trucks..lol

I am a 25 y/o lesbian very comfortable in both my sexuality and my lifestyle.

I have been dating a "butch" female for about 6 months, and it has recently become more serious. After some in depth conversation I found that her fondness for boy clothes and fragrances go a liiiittle deeper.

She informed me that for several years she posed as a male, and even dated several women as a guy. She slept with these women, and even lived with a few never letting the truth on.

I have to admit it was a bit of a turn on, but I am still a little confused....

I saught this website as a means of talking to others that share her interest, so that I can find out more... without making her feel uncomfortable answering questions that she may not be ready to address.

What I wonder is.... Is she more comfortable as a boy??? and if so, should i suggest the fact that I would date her as a boy?.... should I suggest that I would be open to her living as a boy...?

I have for the last few weeks been very open about this experience and introduced the role playing situations, to try and show her that I am open to it, that she shouldn't be ashamed of it,.. etc.. we have evn gone as far as a date with her in full "drag"....

my point of view on the situation is that I care about her and I don't care about the gender,... but it has also left me questioning my own sexuality as to if I am attracted to her a a boy does that mean I may be more inclined to date men??...

I guess what I am trying to get out of my visits to this site is a little insight from other CD's that are interested in pursuing relationships, what the general rules are and how should I approach this situation??... ANY advice would be sincerely appreciated.

ThANKS! - t

[Kimberley]

Welcome T! You have come to the right place. Some of the guys here have similar situations to yours and will no doubt contact you.

We are all in this together; F2M, M2F, bi, straight, gay, whatever. The genetics may change but a lot of commonalities exist. The first thing you will need to realize is that sexuality, sexual preference etc have zip to do with gender. There is a lot for you to read and learn here. Dont be afraid to ask questions either on the forums or privately.

Again, Welcome from one of the gurls.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[bi_weird]

Hello and welcome!
I'm no expert, but I can ramble a bit for you.
You're going to have to figure out on your own how okay you are with her being a guy. It sounds like you're pretty fine so far, which is great, and you prolly want to say that clearly. Work with your partner to figure out what sort of gender bending works for both of you, and how much compromise each of you can take.
As for your orientation, well, who the heck knows. I tend to believe that no one is completly hetero or homo, though many are so far to one edge that for all intents and purposes they are. Could be that she's enough in the middle for you to still love her as a woman. Could be you have some mild bit of heterosexuality in you (I don't mean to question your orientation at all - I also accuse my straight boyfriend of having bits of gay in him. I just mean that many people have random moments of attraction to the sex they aren't attracted to). What I'd point out is this: does it really matter to you? Are you any less you if you realize that you like one man, or ten men, or what not? Is "Lesbian" integral to your sense of self, or is it more "well so far I've liked woman but I also love this person who's not so much a girl, and that works also"? That answer is the biggest thing yoru partner needs to know. But heterosexuality isn't catching, and if you happen to like this one guy it doesn't mean you have to hand in your keys to the lesbian club.
Assuming you're cool with it, seems to me that you just have to talk out with your partner as to what is cool. The only rule I can think of at the moment is accept that she (he? which pronoun would be more appropriate?) knows herself and there are certain things about these issues no one can change, no matter how much it'd make it easier for all concerned.
I wish you luck, and hope to see you around more.

[pocoyo]

Hiya :)

Sorry if this doesn't make sense as I am quite tired & rushed (keep getting called!) but I'll try!

It sounds like you're being really wonderful in supporting your partner :happy: That's so great.

A lot of us FTM's (female to males) don't actually feel like "Crossdressers" as such (yeah I know.. the site name... lol) but most identify as either transgendered, or transexual. Meaning that we either feel very confused about our gender sometimes or that we often feel like we were born with the wrong body. Obviously dressing in the clothes of the opposite physical gender can help us to feel more comfortable and "right".
However there are females that like to just cross dress without any sort of gender dysphoria, some drag kings for example.


If your partner has lived as a man before though, it obviously feels quite right to them. So it could be more than just cross dressing. They could even be gender-queer! (Like being a boy sometimes and a girl sometimes). There are a whole range of different types of feeling about gender and types of people.
You may want to investigate this further if your partner feels comfortable talking about it. To see where you and they stand... you never know, perhaps they are confused themselves and would appreciate talking about it further!

As far as being worried what gender you're attracted to... well it sounds to me like you very much just like your partner for the person they are anyway... regardless of their gender or physical sex. And that is a fantastic thing. I would hold on to that! It may be very confusing for you if you see yourself as a lesbian but... I have a little theory (I expect some people would bite my head off but each to their own :p )... anyway, I have this little theory that NOBODY is actually gay or straight, but that we are all bisexual to some degree. Hey we're all just sexual animals :straightface:
Haha anyway I know how confusing it must feel to suddenly have your sexuality questioned but if you want to deal with it, you will... if you know what I mean! (Aargh not making sense here!)

Anyway, it's the person inside you seem to care about, and that person that counts. So no worries!

I think it's really great that you've been so supportive so far and come on this site to find out more to be even more supportive. Good on you.
Many people wish for such understanding partners :happy:

Don't worry, there are lots of lovely and wise people here who I'm sure will help and give you MUCH better advice... and some may say similar things to me but in a less tired way that actually makes sense hehe!

Good luck & sorry for being tired and distracted ;)

[Felix]

Hi T and a warm welcome to the board ya in the right place :hugs: I might be wrong here but I don't think it means ya not a lesbian because ya like ya woman in boy mode. There are alot of lesbians who are butch and dress like men but are still very much lesbian. You sound extremely supportive which is great and if you feel comfortable with ya partner looking boy like then go with it doesn't mean you are not lesbian hun! My partner is lesbian and I don't think for one minute that my boyish appearance makes her anythin else cos she does not fancy men at all she will always be lesbian. Hope this has helped hun xx Felix :hugs:

[Abraxas]

I'll second what everyone else has said. Basically, as long as you're willing to accept your partner for who she is, and it seems that you are, then things should be fine. There may be some rough patches, but there always are in relationships. But it sounds like both of you are supportive of each other, and that's the most important thing. :thumbsup:

[CaptLex]

Hi, T, welcome to the forum. A lot of good advice here already, I think, so I won't repeat it. I'll just add that I too think it's a good idea to sit down with your partner and ask these questions. Your partner may not even have the all the answers yet, but maybe together you can figure it out. I think the most important thing you said is that you care about the person inside regardless of gender. That's what we all strive for, and that will help you two through the confusion (and there's always some confusion). Good luck to you both, and feel free to ask more questions - we'll be happy to help you talk these things out. :happy:

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Hi T,

As others have said, the best thing is to talk to your partner about this -- although, as has also been said previously, she may not know the answers herself either.

Individuals are all over the trans spectrum, both on the MTF and FTM sides. There are some butches prefer to be seen as butch women (who often don't see themselves as trans); some who prefer to be treated socially as men, but prefer to remain female-bodied (who may or may see themselves as trans and/or gender queer); and there are who go through a "butch phase" before deciding they're FTM transsexuals (similar to how some MTF TSs in denial think they're "just crossdressers."

(And from what I've heard (but don't have personal experience with) there's some in lesbian/butch circles who enjoy taking part in what's more just fetishic crossdressing -- although if your partner has done cross-living there's almost certainly more going on than that.)

I'm assuming your partner is roughly the same age, so it's also possible she's been experimenting to find out what's comfortable to her. Since she crosslived with other women, but isn't doing so with you now, it could mean that it's possible she decided crossliving wasn't for her, or that she wants to try living as a butch and see if that feels right -- or that she feels it's something she "should" do. (Sadly, from what I've seen, there's definite prejudices against FTMs by some lesbians and some feminists.) But that's something you'll need to ask her about.

For better or worse, there aren't really any rules, we all just sort of muddle though it. One things to be aware of is what your own reactions might be if she wants to live as a man. For the SOs of transitioning MTFs going from being seen as straight women to lesbian is often a hard adjustment -- and it's common reason transitioning ends the relationship -- and I've heard similar stories of among lesbian couples when one of the partners is a transitioning FTM.

While it's not an immediate help, you should keep an eye out for Helen Boyd's excellent "She's Not the Man I Married" which is due out in March. While it's written by the wife of a MTF trans person, many of the issues Helen talks about regarding her struggle with how that affected her identity are probably comparable. (Disclaimer: I was one of readers of Helen's drafts, which is why I know what's in the book.) For what it's worth, Helen started the book thinking that gender shouldn't matter -- but by the end of the book she decided that in the context of her relatioship with Betty it does, even if she can't put her finger on why it does. You might also check out S. Bear Bergman's "Butch is Noun." Haven't had a chance to read it yet myself, but Helen highly recommended it.

As far as sexuality, just remember that both gender and sexuality are spectrums that society pretends are either/or. (And in my experience, gays and lesbians are often just as dedicated as hetros to denying bisexuality.) So it's possible your sexual attractions might be broader than you realized. Or not. It might be that you're attracted to masculinity, but not to male-bodied individuals. Or it might be that you're a lesbian who's not normally into butches, but who's attracted to this particular butch. Or that you might be trans-amorous, which arguably is its own sexual orientation, just as being hetro, homo or bi is. (You'll find some SOs of MTFs here who were specifically looking for a CD partner because they like that blending/blurring of genders.) Or something completely different. Desire is a mysterious thing...

Anyway, I wish you two luck in figuring out a relations that makes you both comfortable.