Evolution Of A Crossdresser

[Penny]

How did I get to be the person you see in my avitar? Well, has been both and agonizing and beauthif experience.
First, at about age 11 to about 14, crossdressing was play, fun and made me feel good.
From 15 to 35 it was conflicting. You see, I was in my sexual prime, and my main focus was what nature had for me as a male. While crossdressing has been a need (the need to feel pretty or feminine) in my sexual prime it caused me to question what kind of a man I was or if I was less than a man so I purged and tried to deny the need. But a need is a need and must be filled. Eventually, I would refill the need all the while feeling great while I was doing it and shameful and guily afterward.
Long about the end of my sexual prime I awakened to the fact that no matter what I did, crossdressing was part of me and I would have to deal with it. I realized that no one had the right to dictate how I should look or behave just as long as what I wore and how I looked was not ileagal or hurt anyone. This is when I began to grow as a person. I utilized crossdressing as an asset and honestly I now know who I am is whom I am. I'm not sorry for who I am, I care little what people think and today, I am a better person.
I have evolved and will continue. I wonder how many older CDs evolvement is similar to mine?

:hugs:

Penny

PS.

[Eugenie]

Hi Penny,

The more I read evolution stories, the more I have the feeling that a great majority of us had a very similar evolution to the one you describe. Transition may have taken place at slightly different ages, bu by and large, the progression seems to follow a comon pattern.

My own evolution followed pretty much the same path as yours...

I'm now 60 and enjoying my "femme side" more and more... When I was an adolescent, I thought that I would "grow out of it", meaning X-dressing... I must still be an adolescent then... :D

It is such a great thing that we have now the possibility to share experiences and no longer feel that we are alone...
:hugs:
Eugenie

[gennee]

I only discovered my love of crossdressing only nineteen months ago at age 56. I never had the desire to dress up as a youngster. I never had any gender issues either. I always felt that I was different and didn't know why.

Nineteen months ago I got the urge to try on my spouse's skirt. I acted on that urge and have been dressing ever since. Today I feel complete and liberated. I don't feel guilty or ashamed about going out dress as a woman. It's a part of me.

Gennee

:gorgeous:

[marie354]

You, look like a natural woman.... As the song goes.
It's been a long road for a lot of us to blossom, I'm sure.
Some, better than others, it seems.
Maybe I need to let her natural persona relax more so I can begin to look as natural as you.
:hugs: :love: :hugs:

[Suzie Green]

Hi Penny! I think I'm in a similar situation. I can remember as far back as 6 years of age wanting to dress in my sister's clothes. Once when I was around 8, my mother caught me dressing and I was severely punished. It may have temporarily halted the dressing, but it didn't stop the feelings I had. By the time I was a teen, I was doing it more frequently...alone at home when everyone else was out. I never once though questioned my sexuality or preference for women. I've now been married for 33 years and after sneaking around on my wife for that long, crossdressing when she wasn't home, I finally opened up to her last night and admitted everything. Being the perfect wife that she is, she admitted that she was very intrigued by the idea, and considers it to be pretty erotic. She has promised to help me shop for my own things and to let me now enjoy it whenever I want instead of being so clandestine. A huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders...I wish I had done this sooner. I feel so lucky to have married the perfect woman.

So I guess I do have a lot in common with you, and I'm sure there are many more in our shoes. Feel free to talk about it any time!!

Huggs...Christine

[Kate Simmons]

I'm pretty much the same as you Penny for the same reasons. I think there may be a "built in" safety factor so we can do our bit to continue the race. I don't have one regret for having been a Dad and I was(still am) a good one. There comes a point in time , for us especially, when we have to get on with the rest of our life. I don't see myself wallowing at home now that I'm retired. I seem to be full of life and free to express my real self. Yeah, it would have been nice to have done this earlier but without the experience otherwise, I don't think we would appreciate who we are now as much. I have no problem being an "older broad". If I had gone this way earlier, I would have never known my children and would have missed a lot. All in all, I think things worked out well. The adventure for me now, however is ongoing and I wouldn't miss this "ride" for my life.:happy: Ericka Kay

[TxKimberly]

How did I get to be the person you see in my avitar? Well, has been both and agonizing and beauthif experience.
First, at about age 11 to about 14, crossdressing was play, fun and made me feel good.
From 15 to 35 it was conflicting. You see, I was in my sexual prime, and my main focus was what nature had for me as a male. While crossdressing has been a need (the need to feel pretty or feminine) in my sexual prime it caused me to question what kind of a man I was or if I was less than a man so I purged and tried to deny the need. But a need is a need and must be filled. Eventually, I would refill the need all the while feeling great while I was doing it and shameful and guily afterward.
Long about the end of my sexual prime I awakened to the fact that no matter what I did, crossdressing was part of me and I would have to deal with it. I realized that no one had the right to dictate how I should look or behave just as long as what I wore and how I looked was not ileagal or hurt anyone. This is when I began to grow as a person. I utilized crossdressing as an asset and honestly I now know who I am is whom I am. I'm not sorry for who I am, I care little what people think and today, I am a better person.
I have evolved and will continue. I wonder how many older CDs evolvement is similar to mine?

:hugs:

Penny

PS.
What an awesome post! This very closely resembles my own experience.
Thanks for sharing!
Kim

[Angie G]

Penny I about the same but I know some I can't tell only my wife knows i dress but I shop I don't care if the s a knows or not :hugs:
Angie

[cathie]

First TxKimberly you have beautiful eyes.

Second, it started for me with wearing pantyhose at an early age. I think somewhere around 8 or so. It continued as mostly sexual for many years. Borrowed my ex-wife's things at first and ended up buying several pairs of heels and skirts to drive home in after work. I can't tel you how many times I was ashamed of myself at first and would throw everything away over and over. Only to go back out and buy more.

Once I met my second wife was when I stopped throwing things away and enjoying my time. Right now I'm a stay at home dad. Kids go to school all day and I get to dress as I want. I know this won't last as we are trying to go back to Denver as soon as possible and I want to go back to work. Too bored but this was a great period that I could dress as I wanted, paint my nails as I wanted for hours instead of a few minutes. So it took me 34 years to get here. 42 and loving life.

[Calliope]

It takes a few years to really get to know ourseleves, don't it.

Diminishing testosterone don't hurt, either.

[Diana West]

[QUOTE=DayTripper;673451]It takes a few years to really get to know ourseleves, don't it.[QUOTE]

It takes a lifetime to get to know ourselves. But it is time well spent.

I have evolved. I went from just wearing clothes and make-up to wanting to look good in them. I enjoy feeling feminine as well as looking feminine.

[Penny]

Thanks ladies for sharing. I started this thread in hopes that it could be a guide to younger CDs, particularly those in their prime. Oh so frequently these gals face the internal conflict and one current on " Do you think I'm in denial" prompted me. Threads like these, make my heart blead and while I know it is something I had to experience because it was part of my evolution, I can only pray that somehow that we can lessen the confusion, pain and anguish to those in this troubling period.
So I pray you, if you are reading this for the first time and can contribute your experiences, please do so and perhaps one of our responses will closely resemble one or the majorty of our sisters and give her peace and hope.
Too often the treads go by so quickly that we don't get a chance to read them all. Our response to a particular problem or question may have been the one needed and we missed it. So if we can all contribute and shrare life, when we see these threads as we ofen do. we can revive this thread for others to view.

:love: y'all

Penny

[Marcie Sexton]

I think we all share one thing in common, we walk to ur own drum beat...and for the best too...

Perhaps if all of society would take time to listen to theirselves, our world would be a much better place...

You go girl !!! we all back you...Merry Christmas

[Mary Morgan]

My evolution has been similar to many of you. I suppose the part that I still have difficulty with is trying to change some of my male behaviors into what are traditionally female behaviors. I love to dress and appear as a woman and I know that that does not make me a woman. What I aspire to is state of mind and behavior that allows me to exhibit greater tolerance of those around me that may not agree with me; to be more compassionate, loving, thoughful and caring. To be as strong as the women in my life. The I will be a complete person.

[Kimberley]

I wish I could say my experiences were as "comforting" but they werent.

I started at my earliest memories. I was caught and punished severely.
I got caught a second time still without any frame of reference, was punished again. All this taught me was to hide. So started the guilt, shame and fear. I guess I was around 5 at this time.

As a teen I was terrified of being caught so I didnt date. I was "different" from the other boys so I was ostracized. I was different from the girls so I was ostracized.

I married in my early twenties thinking that the marriage and "macho" career would "cure" me. Of course it didnt.

For the next 15 years I focused on family and career, hid myself away from prying eyes and queries.

At age 38 I had the awakening and nearly went crazy. With some good counselling I was able to survive that but I now no longer cared if I was caught or not. Shortly after, my wife delivered an ultimatum. I purged.

Another 12 years went by with me underground again then I again said I didnt care. Again the ultimatum, another purge. This one lasted 5 years until January of this year.

In the interim there was a breakdown and suicide attempt.

Since then, I have come to terms with myself, as to who and what I am. I think I have been able to help others who struggle while I still remain closeted with my own demons. My choices were to keep my family first so I pay a price for that.

Will it change? Who knows what the weather will be.

Sorry if this one wasnt through rose coloured glasses.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[JoAnnDallas]

I think I have evolved more in the past 16 months than I have in the previous 49 years. I started crossdressing when I was around 10. It was a off/on type matter until March of 2005. That is when I came to Texas from West Virginia. I had brought my fem clothing with me. As little as it was. I had been out of work for almost a year at that point and crossdressing was a way to handle the stress I was under. Once I was in Texas, I stayed at my sisters. While she was at work and I did not have an interview, I started getting dressed more and more, until I was going all the way with makeup, wig, and heels. Then I found this website and started talking to all of you. It was like a weight had been lifted off my back. Reading posting from all of you and making some close friendships (EM and Natalie), I took the plunge and started going out in the daylight, fully dressed. I then started going out more and more as my comfinence increased. For about four months, I was almost going 24/7 as JoAnn. In the daytime, I would get completely dressed and then at night and on weekends, I would wear ladies T-shirt, pants, and shoes. I even wore flesh colored lipstick. No one noticed that the clothing was fem. LOL I also was wearing panties, pantyhose, bra, and cami almost 24/7 too. I hardly ever washed my male under clothes. Then the house sold in West Virginia and the wife came to Texas. This put a halt to my almost 24/7 fem time and I was forced to go back to 99% drab. Then in a period of three months, I got a great job, we found our house, and moved out of sister's house. Once things settled down, I discovered that I nnow knew who and what I was. I was a CD and proud of it. I found time to crossdress, when my wife started going to the gym and water arobics. Along this time, I started emailing with a officer of the local Tri-Ess chapter. She told me about HEF2006 and I sent in my fee. When HEF2006 came around last Nov, I discovered the joy of meeting others like myself, being out in public, and interacting with people. It was one of the best weekends and again I felt like something had lifted off my shoulders. Again I made some great friends and was invited to join the local Tri-Ess chapter. I plan to attend my first meeting in Jan 2007.
Along the line, I have gotten my wife to let me have acrylic nails, get pampered at the nail salon (maicure/pedicure/toe polish/eyebrow waxed), get my toes polished, wear fem type sandles, and wear fem t-shirts. My 2007 new year resolution is to get her to let me wear panites. In the summer time, I have a problem with heat rash between my legs and I know that wearing panites helps prevent it. So I plan to see if the wife will let me wear a pair of hers. If she does, then I will be once step closer. LOL

All in all, I feel I have greatly envolved in the last 16 months.

[Kristen_1]

I envy you and your relationship with your wife. I've been married to a great woman for 30+ years, but I could never come out to her. The closest to outing is writing in these forums.

[Sierra Evon]

Ever since I've tottaly embraced my transsexuality, witch in fact has been with be all of my life , Ive been living much happier as a person , and as the girl I should have been ( born as, but was'nt ) , I too myself am no longer sexually active , and have'nt been for years, I happy being a T-girl, and I thank god that I am. , I only wish I had embraced it sooner in my life, but its all good now, I'm happy for you too..........:happy:

[hotbobbie]

I would say close to 100%

[danam]

I seem to be re-awaking a desire, having hit my mid-30s. I remember having the desire as early as a 3-5 years old. I was confused by it as a teenager, repressed it quite well in my 20s, and now I've had a significant re-awakening in my 30s. And, this re-awakening is AWESOME!

This re-awaking happened for no particular reason, really, other than the fact that I'm getting older and a lot of the things that bothered me as a young person aren't as critical now. I know now that during the 23 hours a day that I am not Dana, I am a "normal" family guy and Dana's desires won't substantially get in the way of that life. Having both worlds is quite nice.

[Juanita O]

I have had the same experiences as most everyone here. I am still wrestling with the hole idea of cross dressing, I too don't care if my wife likes it or not.I am just scared of getting caught out of the house dressed em Femme.:o

[Kandi]

I've been liking womens cloths since pre teen. Now 42 and I really like womens cloths and all thing femme. It is theraputic at times and have recently had one of the most exciting weekends in atlanta with the triess gurls there. My evalution scares me but with my supportive wife I know I will be able to experience the fun and excitement on special occasions for years to come. Not interested in full timing. That would really scare me. Just having an event to look forward to seems to keep me on pins and needles until it arrives then look out, here comes Kandi! Speaking of events, New years sounds like a good one. Well here comes Kandi!!

[melissaK]

Penny,

My story is a little like Kimberlys above in that it started young and is not alawys happy and rosey. These CD/TG/TS feelings are nothing to mess with.

At a young age (5 or 6) I was reprimanded for cross dressing - it still hurts. In third grade I was prohibited from playing with the girls anymore and was banished from their part of the playground and told to go play with the boys. I lost ALL my friends that day - - It gets hazy then.

Somewhere in there my conscious mind learned "dissociation" as a defense mechanism to deal with emotional pain. Some of my emotional pain came from the internal conflict of wanting to be a girl, and parents and teachers who clearly did not approve but whom I wanted to please. Other significant sources of emotional pain in my life were circumstantial - I spent much of my life a very lonely, solitary child.

The main dissociative trick my mind employed to deal with emotional pain was to repress the memory of the event. I have a good number of blank spots in my life, or remnants of memories devoid of associated feelings or thoughts. Like if someone photo shopped you into a picture, you'd see yourself but not know anything about the events in the picture. Some remnant memories are of cross dressing, most from teen and young adult years - most are hazy, or incomplete.

In 20's I married, had a son and was soon divorced. I was wearing womens jeans, womens T's, and had 2' of long hair. I wore my wifes dresses when I could. How good was my emotional dissociation? I NEVER consciously made the behavior out to be cross dressing - because my mind blanked out ALL the emotions associated with it. Then, wearing the womens jeans and t's just stopped.

In my thirties I remarried had a daughter, completed graduate school, began a professional career and then got divorced. During the divorce I sought counselling.

I began to piece together the partial memories, blank spots and correlate them with the emotional events that occurred in my life. It was an amazing time for me. At 38, for the first time in my life I consciously knew that I was a cross-dresser and probable TS, and that I had deep conflicts about it. I knew about other blank spots in my memories. I thought I was dealing effectively with it, but my counsellor was a marriage and family therapist and had no dissociative disorder training, no TS/TG training and just told me I was sensitive.

Still, for a year or two I cross dressed, built a wardrobe, had a transitioning TS as a pen pal, and I considered SRS.

But, like Kimberly, I chose a path that I rationalized was putting family first. To keep my two kids, and my professional career, A career that would one day pay for their college, I chose to stay in my male role. I would admit I was a crossdresser with a strong interest in living as a woman full time, but I would just not act on those feelings.

The last 15 years have been filled with trying to do that. And my efforts, like Kimberley's, failed very dramatically.

What happened to me was my dissociative behavior became problematic. I fell into a mild depression that worsened over 2 years. I didn't seek counselling - and in hind sight I should have.

Eventually voices in my head debating my gender issues became separate and distinct and they assumed names. I began splitting into different personalities - beyond me, melissa. They harbor different collections of emotions, memories and views. For example, the third grade play ground experience was remembered only by me until about 6 months ago - I finally told the others. Serenity, is suicidal - and she's responsible for blank spots that go back 35 years.

The edge of my sanity is visible - and frankly every day involves effort to stay connected. And, well, . . . its hard. I'm fighting splitting just writing this, . . . If you ever catch my posts not matching other posts of mine - well . . .

Worry not for me Argentina, I am actively in counselling, I have a SO (wife #3) who has been with me since I was 38 and she still loves me. I succeeded in raising those kids and they are great, and I somehow function in a demanding professional job and earned enough to pay for college for them. :-)

I thought my internal battle over accepting that I wanted to be a woman was overwith 15 years ago, but its not done at some hidden emotional levels. It's all easier said than done for me. The girls on this site who have made it through this issue, whether they know it or not, are a daily inspiration. (Thanks again girls).

If you are young, or old, and any of my post echos with you, heed that these feelings are nothing to mess with - Any extended bout of depression should prompt you to get competent advisors to help you find your way.

Hugs,

melissaK

[Kenix]

I have been "casually" dressing for a long time. It's only after finding this forum recently that I am take more serious interest. Now I want to see if I can go out en femme. It will take a lot of effort but I think it's worth it. I only wish I took this path years earlier.

[Penny]

Thank you ladies for sharing. I hope more will share their stories. It seems a great many stories are similar. Ages and needs may vary. Circumstances may differ, but in the end, I think we are who we are. I would not clasify us as odd, nor strange or even different. But I would say we are unique or even perhaps special. I believe we have a gift, if properly used is in fact, an asset
to the world we live in. We posses extraordinary qualities beyond the average male.
I know others may not see it that way, but most go through life on a straight and narrow path never willing to venture out of their comfort zone.
We are all compelled, in some way or other, to stretch ourselves into new
and challanging arenas in an effort, in our own way, to deal with life.
And here we are, often chastized when in fact, we should be commended.
Well, I for one, wish to commend you. For I know generally what we all have had to endure and somehow, we survive.

I :love: you all

Penny