Told the wife

[Jenney Love]

Hi
This is my first time posting, after reading through many of the other posts, I thought I would give it a go.
About a week and a half ago I told my wife (married 2 1/2 years, dated 2 before that) that I was a crossdresser. She seemed calm about it at first. I told her I had been surpressing it for a few months, and could not hide it from her anymore.(I purged many times) She said we would work it out, and everything would be ok. I of course was greatly releaved that she was ok with this. The next day I woke up all excited that I had an understanding spouse and proceeded to shave myself, something I had not done in years. Let us just say that doing this freeked her out -big time! She would not even talk to me that day. She did ackknowdlege that she understood that this was part of me and I could not change, but she did not have to like it. I have worked hard all week showering her with extra attention and proving to her I love her. She went to a counsiling session and is reading the posts in a spouses forumn. She seems to be coming to grips with the fact, and I think she understands that I am what I am. We are mostly back to are friendly selfs, and have even briefly talked about the subject, but have far to go.
I have not worn any female cloth's in front of here, as I had purged them all, and am just now getting around to replacing them. I have been keeping my legs shaved, which she has not said anything about, but more than likely bothers her.
Today on are way to lunch she expressed that she was a little stressed from work and I suggested that we have sex tonight, her response was anything but inspiring, she said "Don't hold your breath, I am still a little freaked out".
She is the first person I have ever told and this is the first time I have communicated with other CD's. :eek:
Jenney

[ChristineRenee]

Hi Jenney and welcome to the forum.

Sounds like once you got an approval from her, even if not an overwhelming endorsement, you kinda jumped in there with both feet. This no doubt cause her to recoil on you the way she did.

My advice to you at this point would be to take things slow with respect to doing CD activities right now. She needed time to formulate in her mind how she was going to be dealing with this issue and by you pushing it on her you rushed the process for her which caused her to react so negatively.

You need to have a dialog with her and come to terms with how this is going to affect your marriage now and in the future. Be sensitive not only to her needs from you, but how she really feels about having a husband who is a CD. It is all in the approach. The right approach can bring tolerance and even eventual acceptance. The wrong approach can lead to resentment, bitterness, a lack of trust, and eventual rejection.

Like I said, ease off on the CD activity for a bit until you and your wife can come to some kind of mutual understanding of how this is going to affect your marriage from now on.

I hope this helps you some and best of luck to both of you on working this out.:)


Love,
Christine Renee

[Melissa A.]

Hi Jenney, Take it from me cause I have been there-No matter how much a woman who has not been exposed to this before says she is "cool" with it (and she may be, in her mind), she is probably eight or nine notches behind where you think she is or would like her to be.

You got a fairlly positive response and you overeacted- you ain't the first, honey. Now comes the hard part. You probably need to back off a bit and let her digest all this, then move slowly. I can almost guarantee she won't be giving you any makeovers anytime soon. Hate to be a killjoy.

On the other hand, this is a part of you, and you have a right to bring it up eventually, and expect to be treated seriously and not be treated like you are doing something wrong.

Who knows? This may work out for you. You got the first step out of the way. Bet you thought it would be the hardest!

I wish you both all the strength and luck in the world.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Tamara Croft]

Hiya Jenney... firstly let me welcome you to the forum :)

I can relate to how your wife must be feeling right now. I went through the same thing when my partner first told me. We had only been together a month or so but Tam decided it best to get it all out in the open. Well she pulls this little black skirt out from under her bed.... I thought it was for me.... then she goes on to say.. 'I like wearing it'. Well I nearly walked out the door... I was shocked, horrified and felt betrayed. But I always knew there was something she wasn't telling me. After she did the little odd things all fell into place. She would say things like.... you don't wear skirts or you should grow your hair long.... I even put makeup on her once for a laugh... not knowing at the time she was completely loving every minute of it.

That was 6 years ago. It's only recently I have been able to fully understand her desire to crossdress, mostly due to being a member of this wonderful forum and reading about the other members and why they do this. It is a hard thing to understand and your wife will go through phases of loving it, hating it, getting angry, wanting her man back etc.... but that is a natural phase and you have to work at it. If she really needs another woman to talk to about it, please don't hesitate to send me a private message or email.

In time she will start to understand that just because you are a crossdresser, it hasn't changed you on the inside.

Tamara x

[racheal]

Welcome Jenny,

I took a while before I told my girlfriend, the one who is getting caught up going back to college, changing her career and not being around as often. I do remember that she was definatly not happy with it. Although, for the last six minths, when we do have sex, I have been able to waer lingerie while we have our 'fun'. It's been invigorating, but at the same time, she has pulled a little further away.

The best thing to do is to continue giving her the best attention that you can give her. Make her a part of your 'world' and get her slowly used to it. Maybe some day she'll surprise you on your birthday with something that you might not expect - an article of women's clothing that you may have been admiring or something like that. That also reminds me about four months ago as well, my girlfriend gave me lingerie for my birthday - what a happy day that was. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Now that we are lind of growing apart, I wander back through the past in my mind thinking that maybe I could have given her more attention. She still drops by every Friday evening to spend the night. I gues I am luck for that.

So take heart and move slowly in the positive direction. If she loves you like on your honeymoon, then you will have nothing to worry about. If you are on 'friendly terms', then see if the both of you can work together to make both of your lives happier. Be empathetic to her and she will come around - love always pervails - even in a world such as this in today's day and age.

[Tristen Cox]

First Welcome to our home Jenney. What is going on now seems to be that period of adjustment on her part. It'll take a little time, but just be patient. Don't try to rush anything just yet. You will know when she becomes more comfortable with you. Go slow for now. Talk to her, hold her. Put all doubts out of her head first. Then take the next step, but keep each one small. It's not worth the risk to go for all or nothing all at once. Above all make sure she knows that this is simply you as you always have been and that you haven't changed as a person.
I wish you you well.


Love
Tristen

[Holly]

Glad you're here. I commend you for 1) your bravery and 2) your honesty with your wife. Don't despair. The other girls are right... your wife needs some time to process this new information. Back off and let her come to you. She needs time, she needs reassurance, and she needs YOUR understanding. (You know that this is true because you yourself are coming more in touch with your femme self). While you know that you are exactly the same person now that you were before you told her, she sees it as her world being turned upside down.

When she does come to you (and she will) be ready with answers and be honest. There may be questions that you can't answer (like why do you do this). If you don't know, tell her so. (If you do know, would you let the rest of us girls in on it- tee hee).

Best wishes to you, Jenny. I look forward to hearing more from you.

[DonnaT]

Welcome Jenny.

Your wife is welcome here to. There is a special section for SO's in the http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/index.php also.

To give you a feel of how things "might" go. I told my wife 29 years ago, after she shaved my legs though. She liked the feel of smooth legs. But after finding out I was a CD, she changed her mind.

Anyway, she doesn't like my CDing, but is supportive and wants me to be happy. Like the others have said, go slow.

Is she aware that men other than CDs also shave their bodies? Many do it just because it looks better than a hairy body. Others for athletic reasons.

[Sarah38b]

If I were faced with this situation with chosing to crossdress or destroy a marriage/relationship, I would give up the CDing. A good partner is hard to come by.

As far as the shaving deal, I don't see why women make a big fuss over their man shaving in areas other than the face. I feel each individual has the right to groom themselves as they see fit. This shouldn't be your spouses choice as it's your body. I'm not really hairy but nonetheless, I don't all that body hair. It feels so unclean. JMO

Sarah

[Nikki A.]

Like the others said take it slow and let her digest it all. Remember this has been a part of you for a long time, for her it has been days. Maybe you went too fast, let her feel that she has some control over how fast and far you go and maybe she'll be more comfortable with it. Anyway good luck

[Rikki]

Hi Jenny and welcome aboard. I hope that you enjoy your stay. I can't tell you anything more than what has already been said. Just take things slow and good luck.


Rikki

[Sweet Susan]

Welcome to the forum, Jenny. I sure hope things work out for you. I think your idea about having sex was a great idea, and I think it would have helped; maybe another time.

My wife knew I was a crossdresser for a year before we married, but I never dressed in front of her for about 16 years after we married. She knew I was doing it, and I had even shown her pictures of me fully dressed, but I just couldn't get the nerve up. I was afraid I'd disappoint her or make her disgusted or sick or something like that. Also, she never truly encouraged it, so I just held back. But one day I just decided that I wanted it to happen. I took her on a romantic retreat and later that first evening I stepped out of the bathroom fully dressed as Susan. She seemed to have enjoyed it, and we made some pretty heavy love and I loved doing that while en femme. My guess is that your wife will come around. At least she didn't go bonkers that first night. Hang in there.

[Lily_gg]

Jenney,

Firstly, welcome to the forum, and *HUG* :)

Well done for telling your wife - a lot of people go a long time, and through a lot before they manage that - in our case, it took my boyfriend and I (he's cd, I'm a gg, genetic girl) breaking up to finally make him come and tell me. We're now back together, and it's getting there...

As far as your current situation goes, I agree with everyone here - take it slow and easy, let your wife feel like she's in control of how far it goes (my bf was really shy about all his stuff, which just made me really curious about what he had, in the end I practically bullied him into showing me his make up etc!), and, most importantly (and assuming you're happy being a man AND a woman, rather than wanting to become a woman fulltime), make sure she knows that her man isn't going anywhere, she's just lucky enough to have a man AND a woman now ;)

Good luck!

Lily

[talitha]

Lily said

make sure she knows that her man isn't going anywhere, she's just lucky enough to have a man AND a woman now


have to agree with this

my husband (5 years end of feb!!) told me before we got married, he also met me at the door dressed as a woman.

after the shock, I rang a counselling service and they basically told me to 'go with it and see what happens'

three children (2 girls, born on the SAME DATE!! 4 years apart and a son) and we are still together

I think it is very brave to want to share, it also shows a great deal of respect for your partner, that you will no longer keep a secret.

.......just maybe a little at a time, not a kid in a candy store LOL

talitha

[Lily_gg]

Well, it's still relatively early days for me and bf yet, but our running joke is it's lucky for him that I'm bi-curious :p :D

[Helana]

To paraphrase a famous quote;

"One small step for man, one giant leap for womankind"

An easy way for you to understand this is to imagine your wife telling you one day that she likes dressing up as a man, and the next morning you wake up and find she has glued a large hairy moustache to her upper lip and she leans over to kiss you. Are you going to be overjoyed at this new development or would you flip?

The truth is-

1. she is in shock so it just appeared that she was ok with it
2. she is totally confused and thinks you are gay and will have a sex change operation soon
3. she is incredibily pissed off with you that you kept this secret from her all this time and married her without giving her the option to choose if this is really what she wants in her marriage. She wants her dream back of the wonderful husband and children. She wants a "real" man for a husband, not a crossdresser. Will she still want to start a family with you? etc.etc.

Your options-

1. Totally back-off and dont press any issues. I would stop shaving your legs and tell her that you are doing so until she fully understands. Respect her discomfort with your shaved legs.
2. Talk, talk, talk and talk some more. Dont let the situation develop where your crossdressing becomes a no-go area. Never shout at her or blame her for not accepting your crossdressing.
3. Reassure her that you will not do anything or take any risks that others could find out about your crossdressing. For the time being this is a secret between the two of you.
4. Ask for her forgiveness for not telling her at the start of your relationship.
5. When you believe it is OK to start crossdressing again (this is likely many months away), tell her in advance exactly what you are planning. Don't do anything again that will take her by surprise.

Understand that even if she acquiences, doubts and insecurities will remain in her head for a long time and can only be combated by you displaying your love for her constantly. After all, now that you have exposed your feminine side you have no excuses for not showering her with the little things which say "I love you".

[Tamara Croft]

Helana that is so well put....
...apart from the stop shaving legs bit for me.... I can't stand hairs.... I wanted Tam to shave her legs even before she told me about her crossdressing :p they just feel much nicer :D

Tamara x

[Helana]

Tamara,

My girlfriend is the same - she hates hair on me, it irritates her skin and it just looks plain ugly. She wont let me near her unless I am smooth. :cool:

Guess I am just a.......... smooth operator.....(saxophone)......smooooooooth operator.

Move those hips girl. :D

Tamara, you know one of the best things that happened when I accepted my TG feelings....all of a sudden I loved to dance whereas I used to hate it before. Its so much fun! I no longer have to think about looking cool or macho or attracting a girl's eye, I just move with the beat and swing my hips. Just one of the many improvements in me :)

[Jenney Love]

Thanks everyone
I am taking it slow, trying not to dress, even when she is not home during the day when I am, though that is tough. I can not seem to stop myself from shaving my legs, it just feels to good, though I have let my chest hair grow back ( a little over a week and it is already 1/2 inch in places. :( ) I still have a beard, never got that shaved off when I did the rest (somehow in my mind I figured it would make it easier for her to take my shaving if I left the face for a time.)
We do not plan on having kids (we feel we are to old) so that is not an issue. As far as someone finding out, not likely at this point, as I have a long way to go myself before I am comfortable with my otherself. I would not get very far outside without being noted, as I am a few inches over 6 foot and 300lbs.
She is going to be going out of town for a few days here soon, and I know I am going to have to dress. Should I bring it up with her, that I will be dressing well she is gone, or just let it slide?
I do not have plans of being crossdressed all the time, I do like my male side, even like having a beard, just not all the time!
Jenney

[Sarah38b]

I don't understand why you "have" to let your hair grow back...If you like being shaved then by all means shave. I would shave regardless of what anybody tells me. Again, I don't know why females have such a problem with male shaving...

Sarah


Thanks everyone
I am taking it slow, trying not to dress, even when she is not home during the day when I am, though that is tough. I can not seem to stop myself from shaving my legs, it just feels to good, though I have let my chest hair grow back ( a little over a week and it is already 1/2 inch in places. :( ) I still have a beard, never got that shaved off when I did the rest (somehow in my mind I figured it would make it easier for her to take my shaving if I left the face for a time.)
We do not plan on having kids (we feel we are to old) so that is not an issue. As far as someone finding out, not likely at this point, as I have a long way to go myself before I am comfortable with my otherself. I would not get very far outside without being noted, as I am a few inches over 6 foot and 300lbs.
She is going to be going out of town for a few days here soon, and I know I am going to have to dress. Should I bring it up with her, that I will be dressing well she is gone, or just let it slide?
I do not have plans of being crossdressed all the time, I do like my male side, even like having a beard, just not all the time!
Jenney

[donna anne]

my situation is exactly the same. told the wife 2 saturdays ago, she didnt understand but would work with me. she said it was okay that i shaved so the next morning woke up and shaved. she saw me and i know she was upset but didnt say anything. i figure its best to slow it down alittle until she accepts it more. she did go out last weekend, took the kids for the sole purpose of letting me get dressed which was incredible. i havn't tried sex yet, i dont know if she's ready for that yet. we'll see. its so nice to finally come out and not sneak around.

[Tamara Croft]

I don't see a problem with shaving hairs off.... I mean they are like urghhhhhhh.... itchy, annoying... and lets face it there are many men that shave them off because they are athletes, weight lifters etc.... it is your body, you should have the right to choose if you want it full of hairs or not.

Tamara x

[Cheree]

Take it slow jenny, very slow, reinforce your love for her every day and above all KEEP IT IN THE BEDROOM!!!! Let her know your going nowhere. Don't even think about going out, this worked for me and took about 8-10 yrs very slow.......but WOW , oh the dividends have payed off in the millions!
Just my 2 cents hon.

[Lily_gg]

I don't understand why you "have" to let your hair grow back...If you like being shaved then by all means shave. I would shave regardless of what anybody tells me. Again, I don't know why females have such a problem with male shaving...

SarahI'm guessing the reason wives/gfs have a problem with the shaving isn't because they have any particular objection to the husband/bf being smooth, but because they're still not sure about the whole cd aspect. If hubby/bf had always been shaved, there may not be any issue. However, when it's a case of "honey, I like to dress up as a woman", and then, moments later all the hair's off, the wife will link the two, so any discomfort with the former is also taken out on the latter.

I think it's a good idea to let the hair grow back for now, to give her 100% of the person she married (as far as she knew). You can then gradually work towards going smooth, with her help, and hopefully she'll feel ok with it, provided you don't clog up her razor or finish her can of shaving foam :p

[Helana]

Thanks everyone
I am taking it slow, trying not to dress, even when she is not home during the day when I am, though that is tough. I can not seem to stop myself from shaving my legs, it just feels to good, though I have let my chest hair grow back

Jenny

Those of us who do shave know exactly what you are feeling and in time your wife will probably love it too. However, because your relationship is on rocky ground, now is not the time to do things for yourself but to do things for your relationship. Wait for her acceptance first before proceeding.

Can I also suggest, if possible, a long weekend break somewhere nice to get out of the house and into new surroundings. It is usually easier to talk things over in a relaxed environment rather than in your own house. It may be that she dreads coming home from work everyday because she does not know what she will find when she opens the door and this automatically puts her in a defensive mood.

Hope everything works out fine.