I need feedback on possible l letter to S.O.

[cdeeko]

As I have said my S.O. and I as well as our family our dealing with the grief of losing to loved ones to cancer so I do not want to drop my confession of Crossdressing on her during an all ready stressful time. However thinking of giving her some form of this letter in January and being there to gauge her reaction/ talk to her about it etc. I just feel more comfortable writing it out and letting her read before we talk.

There is plenty
of time for revision. SO let me know what could be said better/what you think....


Dear *****:

There is something I need to tell you and I can no longer keep it a secret. The reason I mentioned going as Eddie Izzard next halloween was to see how you would react. Because I recentely been able to accept I am a crossdresser and I have started doing so.

Never fear I buy and wear my own clothing. I have however been in panties every day for a while. Sometimes pantyhose. even unknown to you on several occasions.

I even went to the December Punknite in jeans ripped to the knees , a womens flowing top, and fishnets. Next Punknite I hope to wear a plaid skirt, fishnets, and a punk t.

For the record I am still sexually attracted to women. I just also like their clothes. I am not Gay and still want you (actually more so then in months.)

But I like wearing women's clothing and plan to continue to do so. I all ready have some outfits I wear around the house, and may wear to CD nites at some clubs. I plan to shave my face smooth and learn to wear make-up to these events. May even shave my legs.

I would love for you to be part of this part of my life. But if not I hope you can allow it to be a part of my life that you just let me do...like Roller Derby volunteering....or when I was a church going person.
Just putting up when I wear girlie stuff at home some also.

I am a member of two crossdresser forums on the net that offer support and advice for signifiacant others of crossdress. If you wish to stay with me you probably should consider joining them also.


I cannot however keep sneaking around and hiding this part of myself.

So I am telling you and letting you decide if you still want me.


I will always love you.

But if you do not want me anymore I understand.

I wil let you decide.

Love, Chris/Chrissy.

[Beckii_aCDInOz]

Hi Chrissy,

my :2c:

I'd be waiting for a time that is suitable and sitting down with your SO. Writing a letter, imo is not the best move.

What your about to share with your SO is deeply personal and I feel that she may take the letter as being in-personal. It's a pretty big thing to share this with a SO and we all know that it can swing left or right, or both ways.

I'd try to avoid telling her the what, where & when you dress, instead in its place share the how it makes you feel, when you first started CDing and so on.

I'm not saying you should have to justify why you CD, I just feel that your SO (like most women), the confession usual hits them on a personal levels, such as trust issues & so forth.

As far as sharing what you wear, when you wear it and so on. leave this till later, I think the shock of simply telling her, she'll need time for this to sink in.

Write yourself a letter and plan what your going to say, maybe a good investment.



hugs

x

beckii

[marie354]

I agree with Beckii. Go slowly at first. Don't hit her with all of it at once, could be a KO. It really is best for you to tell her before she finds out for herself though. Been there, done that, never works. Be optimistic though, she may be very understanding like my GF is and supprise you. All in all, it is your choice, and you have to make the final decision.
I wish you well, my friend, whatever you decide, and... should I say...
Have a joyous and happy holiday season.
:hugs:

[Calliope]

Letters say, 'Here what I have to say; your comments aren't all that interesting to me.'

Ya gotta say your stuff in words, in person - listen - respond ... that relationship stuff.

But, hey, writing is good for collecting your thoughts.

Good luck, babe!

[Kate Simmons]

She will want to know just where she fits in to all of this. She will also want to know what is more important to you, her or the CDing. She may ask you if you had a choice to make, which would it be? You must also be clear in your own mind which choice you would make. You cannot be wishy washy. I know from personal experience. Just be ready Chrissy.:happy: Ericka

[cdeeko]

I see what you are saying and considering all of it. As I said this will not be til January when I say anything so I can get lots of advice and perhaps cold feet before then.

But never fear evne IF I write a Letter I will be ther when she reads it so she can immediatley respond.

It just sometimes easier for me to start out with writing.

But maybe you are all right you have been there...

As I said I have some time to consider all of this before January...not gonna just pop it out on January 1st.

However may tell her while she is still staying with her mum in case she wants space or wants to leave or just some time apart to consider--so it all it is not hello goodbye all over again.

[Joy Carter]

Letters are good to the aspect that you won't leave out details you might when and if the tears start. But I also feel it's a little cold to. So keep re-writing my little punkett. I'm sure you will better polish your words.

[Dixie Darling]

This may not be the best way to put this, but I feel it's important to be "brutally honest" here since this will be a MAJOR event in your lives.

I'm in agreement with what most of the others are telling you. A letter is not the best way to do this and if it's at all possible you need to be in a position to look her straight in the eyes when you start breaking the news to her. If, however, you DO decide to use a letter, then you have the right idea of being there WITH her as she reads it. Past posts tell us that this will probably be a traumatic event for her so you need to be prepared for such. She may very well become angry with you and begin to call you all sorts of derogatory names and out of her anger may even make threats or give you ultimatums to either stop it immediately or leave. It is of utmost importance that you don't retaliate with anger of your own - just let her go ahead and say what's on her mind at the time. ONLY when the initial shock wears off and her anger subsides will she possibly be in a state of mind to listen to what YOU have to say, ask you questions, and retain what you tell her.

The example letter that you posted has connotations that seem to tell her "This is the way it is, here's what I've done/want to do, and that's the way it's going to be." If you are trying to get her to accept or maybe just tolerate your need to dress enfemme, there shouldn't be so many statements that appear to be demands (as opposed to requests). Remember that this is something that you've probably done for the largest part of your life and you've accepted yourself and educated yourself about crossdressing. Over on the other side of the fence (assuming she has been totally unaware that you are a crossdresser) she is probably totally in the dark about what crossdressing is (as well as what it ISN'T). It will take a lot of time for her to come to terms with even the idea of you being a crossdresser and it will be up to you to educate her GENTLY. What you definitely don't want to do is to try to give her too much information too quickly. I sometimes refer to this as "information overload" and it's almost as bad as not giving her enough information. Let things progress at HER pace and encourage her to ask questions. When you answer her be open and honest, and answer to the best of your own knowledge and experience. If you don't know the answer to a question don't try to bluff you way through an answer, - TELL her that you don't know, but that you'll find out.

The worst thing that could happen is that the lines of communication between the two of you shut down. If you can't/won't talk to each other about it, there's no way either of you will ever have any hope of understanding each other so the most important thing is to talk, then talk some more, then talk some more.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[trannie T]

Forget the letter, pull up your panties and talk to her.

[Scotty]

I'd give it some time, don't rush it right after a death in the family.

I had a death in the family in September, a vehicle accident and a bombshell from my insurance company a month later (To which I droipped them like a hot potato).

anyway the timing was bad, I'd say a few months more.....death is not something that is gotten over like turning a lightswitch off.....

While it may make you feel better it may be a really bad thing for her.

:) Just my opinion ..

[crusadergirl]

I would tell her and not write a letter but thats just me.
Your letter is great i liked how you said everything, your taking a big risk by doing that but it will all turn out good for you in the end. The only reason i wouldn't write a letter is b/c i can't put in words what i'm going to say all that good. You write good. I read what others said and i desagree with what most of them have said. One reason do whats right for you not what others tell you. So good luck i believe whatever you do is going to be the right one.

[cdeeko]

Between advice from so many here and friends who know.


Waiting even til January is too soon, too close to grief.


And as a friend pointed out I live my live too fast trying to cram 90 minutes in 6 seconds. Probably I am rushing everything.

I really need to reflect on how all of this effects my life.

So I guess there will still be some sneaking around.

I will goto my next Punk Nite--hopefully either in January or Febuary--pretty in punk. I will just have to sneak around.

Thought you all would want to know.

[Sharon]

If you find it easier to hand the letter to your SO and have her read it while you are at her side, then I say that's fine. I think it might be best to rewrite it, however, as too much information as a precursor to talking with her might not be the best way to go. I think it's important that you be there to discuss it and try to answer her questions, and calm her down if necessary.

There is rarely a "good" time to tell a loved one about this. Your SO is dealing with her grieving at this time, so it might be best to hold off a bit, but just be aware that there will always be excuses not to talk to her about it -- bad day at work, issues with finances, health, the rotten neighbor next door, etc. It will come to the point where you just have to be determined to have a heart-to-heart conversation. Just be sure not to get too defensive or overly audible if her immediate reaction is less than you hope for. Keep calm, no matter what!

Good luck! :hugs:

[cdeeko]

There is rarely a "good" time to tell a loved one about this. Your SO is dealing with her grieving at this time, so it might be best to hold off a bit, but just be aware that there will always be excuses not to talk to her about it -- bad day at work, issues with finances, health, the rotten neighbor next door, etc. It will come to the point where you just have to be determined to have a heart-to-heart conversation.

Good luck! :hugs:


Yeah I want to put it off for now. Due to her grieving. But I would also like to set a time in my mind that is like tonight is the night I tell her.

That is why for now I am saying spring.

Once I see how the resolution to talk at least an hour together every sunday is going and how she is dealing with grief. Then I will say for example Sunday April ?? I will tell her hat is going on--even put it in my clander as such...starting with a letter if I need to that she reads as I am there with her...If I see I have to wait til June. SO be it.

But at some point I want to have a day in mind so I do not put it off.

I think this makes the most sense.

:2c:
:hugs:

[crossing-the-rain]

Is a simple but clear letter,is prefect !
Rain.

[kittypw GG]

I also agree that if you write a letter it is best to be there when she reads it. As to the contents of your letter I was putting myself in your wifes shoes. If I were to read that, the first thing I would think about was what you have been doing behind my back. All of the negative things that we all know cd's have been portrayed as will come up in her mind as images of you doing it. Please don't go there. You will never get past the hurt she will feel that you have kept this from her.

I would rewrite the letter explaining what crossdresing is to you. How it makes you feel. What you expect of her. And as Ericka said it is important to know that she and your relationship is more important than your need to cd. My hubby and I were heading for divorce until he finally relised that he needed to put "us" first. Preserving the core of your relationship is the key to sucess.

Getting in contact with other gg's who have dealt with this is important. I know it was for me. I wanted to know if regular people like me could work this into a realtionship and be sucessful. She will find several here in the gg forum.

Lets us know how your revisions are going. :hugs: Kitty

[tvbeckytv]

im really no expert on these matters, but it struck me you had too much emphasis on what you like to wear...if i were you, i wouldnt metion any particular garments at all.

[Bernadina]

Even though its a nice letter, I would not write a letter or send an email. As already suggested this is best done in person.

I even find an email from some one saying they are peeved with me about something a copout and offensive.

And yes timing is important especially if your SO is feeling fragile due to a recent passing.

I'd look at telling her from her perspective not yours. This could be a big shock for her. She needs to know how important she is to you, your commitment to her etc. Hopefully you already treat her like a princess.

I'd also consider taking baby steps. Its been discussed in other threads. Test the water with some small requests and go from there.

Best of luck.

[Marla GG]

Hi Chrissy,

I think that getting your thoughts organized in the form of a letter is a good idea, whether you end up giving her the letter or just talking to her. What you have here is a good start.

However, to improve your chances of a good outcome, you should definitely consider re-writing parts of your letter, and here's why. As it is phrased now, your letter seems to be anticipating a negative reaction from her. It also sounds almost like you are giving her an ultimatum -- either she can "put up with" all the things you plan to do, or she can leave. Now, I do understand that there is probably some truth to this, insofar as you have realized that you can't permanently suppress this part of yourself (nor would you wish to), so she will indeed have to decide to accept it if your relationship is to continue. But I don't think that it is a good idea to force that choice on her before she has even had a chance to process the information you are giving her. Instead, in the early days of talking about it, I would simply focus on helping her understand what you do and what it means to you. Let her make the next move, and don't shut down the communication process at this point by saying "I am going to do this, this and this whether you like it or not."

I would also give a little more attention to the part of the letter where you mention "sneaking around and hiding." Consider telling her that you realize you shouldn't have done that, that you were afraid of losing her if she found out, and that you now want to share all of yourself with her and be completely open and honest. Believe me, she will be more upset that you didn't trust her enough to tell her before than she is about the CDing itself, so give some thought to how you will deal with those feelings.

You are doing the right thing by preparing for this important talk, rather than letting it happen unexpectedly. I wish you all the best.

Love, Marla xx

[Amy Hepker]

I do think you have a good letter, but timing is going to be the big thing. If she is under alot of stress, I would wait. You don't want to add to the problems she is already having unless you are the problem and she wants awnsers. Please be careful, it can make or break a relationship. GOOD LUCK in your decision.

[Wendy me]

your giving your wife a elephant to eat here .... no doubt she can eat the whole thing .... just not in one setting .... small bites = small steps ...go slow...........

[bredalee25]

I agree if you are going to write a letter be there to answer any questions she might have. But one thing more as someone else stated don't refer to certain types of clothing or styles just let her know that you crossdress and that you're still in love with her and attracted to her. Ya don't want to freak her out more with your style of dress at this time work that in later. I'm the last person to be giving advice on telling your SO cause i haven't told mine that i'm dressing again. I think this would be the way i'd handle it though. I'm better putting words to paper than just telling someone something.

Good luck and god bless i hope all goes well in your telling her.

ttfn

[Penny]

If you feel you must wite her letter and if it were me, I would not write it in this way. Here is why:
you are exposing her to way too much
you are forcing her to make choices
you are not allowing her to diigest your secret
you are only telling her what you want without considering what she whats and she won't know right off the bat

If you are going to write her, I would do it on a card that says how much you love and what she means to you. I would keep commen s short and would provide and analogy to sometime her life when she felt pretty and let her know that sometimes you have the need to feel the pretty too. The only way
you can get that feeling is to wear womans clothes. I would let her know about this forum and tell her how many of us are here. That you felt alone and then discovered us. Appologize for not telling her sooner and open a dialogue.
That's what I would do if I were to write

:hugs:

Penny

PS However you decide to do it, I wish you luck

[CarmenG]

I agree with most here, however; if you insist on writing this letter, then go for it but have the intestinal fortitude to read the letter to her instead of just letting her read it.
You seem to want to lay this guilt trip on her which she is not deserving of. It sounds to me that you are trying to find a way out of this relationship so you want to dump on this poor girl. THIS IS A CHEESY THING TO DO !!!!
I do not know where on this emense scale of crossdressing you fall out at, but some heart and compassion for the person next to you. After all she did get involved with a MAN.
Good luck in whatever youy deceide....:2c:

[Shelly Preston]

Write the letter but it only need to be short

Telling her you crossdress are not gay and you use your own clothes

Tell you will answer all her questions as honestly as you can

Tell her you love her and it would be unfair to keep it a secret any longer
It just need to be long enough to start communication

Most Important
You have to be with her when she reads it

[veronicaM]

Hi there,
Dropping a letter is too sudden and abrupt.

Some thoughts .... it was noted in a response about eating an Elephant..
I agree.. One bite or piece at a time, let it digest.

Letters, writings, emails, "forums" <grin> can totally miss the
vocal inflection/ body language part of a conversing.

A thought is use the writing to possibly assemble your thoughts
Like an OUTLINE. for you

More pointedly one piece at a time
TRY Maybe introducing "IT" to her playfully.
as in trying something - nylons panties etc.on during a passionate interlude or other playtime or challenge.

then you might comment how nice and enjoyable it feels (the fabric,
the sensation what ever) then see if she views it as playful
or threatning. ease deeper slowly from there...


Best of luck, veronica

[Gary]

Seems most say the same thing and that youve seen a really important side of you that will not serve you well with your crossdressing and your SO. Thats the 90 mins worth in 6 seconds. I know this because this is how I initially handled crossdressing with my wife. What happened was that i simply overwhelmed her with it all. As for the letter. Start over is the best i can say and as with most things in life, is better to let the other person ask you the questions they seek answers to rather than for you to voluteer tons of information that may overwhelm or worse. For me this was a face to face thing but everyones relationship is different and hopefully you will decide the best way in which to present this to your SO. take care and good luck

gary

[Cheryl GG]

My husband told me face to face, and he let me ask the questions.....he answered then honest....at times too honest....granted he did not do the research that should be done PRIOR to telling an SO about such a part of ones life....and that created great pain and hurt in my life that could have been avoided possibly by his being better prepared for telling me about his dressing....there is a process that is called "grieving for the loss of ones life dream" its where a person thinks that things are as they should be in life - the wife, husband, kids, house, dog, mini-van etc...but then they learn of this twist coming into their picture and its not what they saw in their mind as their "life dream".....there is true grief for the loss of this.....not all go thru it....I am one of those who is trying to mutter thru it as best I can....I say this to you from personal knowledge as I am educated in mental illness and issues (while not a licensed professional mind you)....she is already struggling emotionally from the recent loss....adding this into her life could honestly be too over-whelming....let her have time to bounce back from this recent loss.....you have held it in this length of time....can you hold on to it for just a little longer?? for her sake?? just a suggestion.....but is your call......-Cheryl

[Michelia]

If you are planning to cd while in a relationship, you are going to have to learn how to talk with each other big time! You might as well start now and drop the letter idea.

The gist of your delivery is almost "take me the way I am or hit the road". You give away too much information you do not need to at this time and does not leave room and/or time for her to absorb it all.

I am sorry to sound so negative. But I feel pretty strongly about this.

If you love this woman and when you are ready, sit her down and tell her you have found out you like to wear female clothing and then see where it takes you. You acn not plan or construct your way through this. One way or another you will end up having to talk. Somehow I feel you expect her to take this hit with such level of detail yet you do not have the guts to take the impact of it all on yourself. So you hide behind this letter. I realize how difficult this will be for you. But do try to TALK with her.

If I am way off base on this one please ignore my comment and do not feel offended. I had to tell you how I feel and almost did not post. But if I was in your shoes I would want to hear it, so here it is.

Michelia

[ubokvt]

I tried the letter thing with my first wife didn't go well at all still an issue after 15 yrs. I went slow with my second wife we did it togather face to face and our relationship is stronger for it.

A letter is a good way of organizing what you want to say. And your letter as it stands is a little harsh. It is a take it or leave it ultimatium. I don't see any of you in it. If any thing I see you hidding all those aspects she will want to Know. How do you feel, How has this effected you inside, there is no talk of your internal struggle and pain. what it is doing to you inside, You encapsulate all your feelings for her in one short line, same for your fear of acceptance, your loss of her. Wow she seems important to you based on what you wrote. Your letter needs work
My Advice, read cherly GG post to you, read it again and then A new post Ask the GG how they would like to be told, what is the best way to tell my spouse, what issues should I consider, what should I prepare for. Then listen very very carefully to them.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Like other responses given I believe writing a letter is not a good idea. However in the end if it is what you feel most comfortable doing. I would suggest starting letter by saying how much you love her and expressing your feelings for her. Keep the letter as short as possible and focus on your love and feelings for her. Jocelyn